One size fits all

Fact of the matter is that everyone wants to be like everyone else and so it is only human to want to know how an infant/todler compares to others at a similar age. But, honestly, we all admire those who stand out anyway. Only, not too much. We tell our kids, a talent is something you are good at that you enjoy, but the only way we will pay for it or glorify it in anyway is if it can be displayed, usually in a "talent show" and we wonder why people claim to have no talents....um, I apologize again.

I also need to alter some clothing for said children who do not fit any standard sizes. Though, I would not trade anything for a momentary peace of mind, where they just fit everything from learning curves to blue jeans.

Regarding Beethoven

This morning my thoughts turned again to Beethoven, odd, huh? I was thinking how I admired him for his self worth. Sure he was"in the spotlight" but had he received no fame he would have demanded it simply by being. He was familiar with Kings and queens enough to respect them and their supposed divine right below the admiration and respect for his own person. I wonder if I can find the quote...

Here is a good one: What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven.

That is my new sentiment regarding seeing myself as lowly. No more. I once wrote a song about how it was not popularity that wins my affection, I was sorry that it often wins my attention. Actually it is alot like kids say ing " Me. Me. Me" when they want to be chosen instead of just raising their hand.

There are individuals who demand awe and respectout of popular homage but greater still are those whom I naturally regard as significant.

It is almost a sort of callousness

I must reaffirm to myself that justice is for all. Those who choose a different happiness or peace will be rewarded as well as any other. Most specifically I refer to those who deny there is a God. That must hurt so much to give those you love the option to deny you and it is just to allow them to feel justified afterall with their reward or gratified in learning they were right. Still, it must be allowed. It pains me to think of loved ones who decide that God does not exist. I would like to think that they never realize there could have been more or that considering such only reminds them of how correct they are.

In college I described a belief in Jesus Christ like this: it is like a golf hole, it might be easier to just start with the ball teetering on the hole then tap it in and feel fulfilled at the accomplishment, but instead members of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are on the edge of the roughage just hoping for a land on the green let alone a hole in one. I used that metaphor to explain the various degrees of Glory and each being equal to what was earned in mortality. In my philosophy class my view was supported by a professor who asked my Baptist peers in they would be able to remember me at all in Heaven, as they claimed that I would be in Hell. The teacher suggested one could not be at peace in Heaven knowing others were suffering so they must not be able to remember or something.

Further a book I read by C.S.Lewis documented the travels of those deserving hell filling a bus and traveling to heaven only to consider it he'll as who was allowed and how uncomfortable it was to be there. They wanted to go home to Hell where they belonged.

I suggest that each reward will be just and those loved ones who do not believe as we do I hope they never learn of any error of their way and that they feel justified in always thinking they were correct.

The most interesting thought is that I do pray that if I ever become blinded and start to value things other than they truly are eternally that someone care enough to help me course correct. For example: Even if I see no worth in a certain type that is most desirable under actual circumstances that I not be granted the immediate desires of my heart.

Ok. Bedtime. Thinking time is over.

WINTER BREAK BEGINS!!!!!!!!

How Jonah helped me

It was the wee hours of the morning and I forgot to pray. I specifically noted mentally that I would have a heartfelt discussion before I fell asleep tonight.

I no sooner got my barrings and decided to pray. I knew what others alive with me on earth would think was best, butI needed to know what I in lopsidedly thought. I nearly determined a course of action which really made sense and explained why I felt like I did and how to fix it. Then the thought came to me directly, "What is the point of praying if you already have the answer? Do you want a greater perspective? One not tainted by the instant?" So, I stopped mentally plotting and "listened". And with many realizations came one about Jonah(cause that is What my lesson was on last week). I asked why the kids thought Jonah was in the fish 3 days. I was suprised by the answers. The one I was expecting was that they realize it was a shadow of Jesus Christ.

That is what I thought. a type or shadow
Cause that was how I think, butthatis not how others think.

A wise man commented once how teachers always know the answer before a question is asked and they usually take answers until the conclusion they wanted is reached. One Christmas I gave a great lesson on the actual Christmas story. Then, to leave my class the students needed to tell me one thing they learned from having had my lesson.

It amazed me the sorts of things the kids honestly shared. The one that stands out in my mind was a child telling me that in Israel kids were allowed to sleep on the roof. I did not even know that.. Huh? I had to reread the manual to find it. I suppose we all have different insights making the gathering of opinions before deciding is.    so important.

So, a type is what I thought and it was a good thought. It is true that we all have different strengths and when coupled with different strengths we feel better. My job being a prime example. It was not the work that made me so blah, but the pairing.

It is truly no definite that a player is good or bad because the orchestra is so terrible. I have been the worst trombonist in extremely great orchestras and the best magnificent trombonist in mediocre orchestras. Of course I enjoyed being a part of something amazing, but others might prefer to be the big fish in a little pond.

So, my admonishment was to not choose the action but the consequence which might seem counter intuitive to those around me and even myself. My father said, " Don't give up what you need most for what you want right now".

I have no clear idea of what I will want eternally. But, I believe God does and that he is powerful enough to help me if I ask and truly desire it.

Is it even worth it?

For a moment, I cracked the door to allow a moment of speculation because I thought that all the things that bother me wouldn't need to bother me if I wanted a thing to the point that it consumed me I would make life so wonderful for those around me and I would be full of purpose.
The alternative is realizing there is another way, but what would my existance be then? Almost everyone I know has commented on how hard and painful rejecting that purpose is, and they are still not certain of who they are they only know that what is and what is hoped for do not match. Well, it does not seem at all worth it to abandon an achievable purpose. A line from a favorite Stargate Atlantis episode when a replicator (human) was going to sacrifice themselves for the destruction of the entire replicator planet. She is asked if she is ok with dying. She says: "one does want to fufill their purpose. It is the ultimate goal, right?" So, imagining what I naturally avoid letting it get it's foot in the door only makes me want to believe even more than I did previously.

Suspended reality

I do not have the time to write now, but I want to say something about how I can to trust fiction increments at a time and I do not think it was ever intended but it enhanced my appreciation of books, plays, movies, ect.

Blind spot

"I felt like the crazy lady all day. You know, the only one who doesn't realize that she is bizarre."

That was what a teacher at an institute class (a church related class) said and I often think about it. What if what I see is really and truly very far from what appears to everyone else? Well, I always sort of knew it was. What I did not consider is that everyone else shares a sort of learned collective consciousness. One I have never learned.

So, yesterday, I nearly died in an accident because of a blind spot. I felt so horrible. Did the other car know that I absolutely did not see them at all?
I often am paranoid that every other car driver knows something I do not or that when they see me drive by they get nervous and avoid me at all costs. So, my incident with my blind spot and a car just appearing out of no where magnified my belief...it is similar to how random occurrences or miracles enhance faith in something that was only a belief. Think about that movie "Inception". Faith works the same way. Plant the seed of an idea and if it is nourished it will grow. Well, recently my paranoia has been growing.

Commentary

UIt's funny to me how obvious it is Earth's flat yet people refuse to look,feel,see for themselves.  I know it's flat,100% proveable I... And globe ball theory is easily unproveable but people won't look!!!  Wow!   Why would I let you know if I wasn't 100% positive.  Planes are held in by invisible non existent gravity but can break it at 600 mph while being held at 1036 mph by gravity lol lol yet birds on rising heat glide away,drop of water in a leaf,your finger won't be pulled down...
Wind bends trees at 60 mph but no motion from ball Earth's 1036 mph spin.
Light..OMG,if sun was 93 million miles away"per ball earth theory, lie" 2,778,000.00 almost 3million miles wide compared to tiny earth 25000 25 thousand miles wide projecting light and heat 93 million miles thru space...it would surround earth,pass earth,light up the sky after earth and ambient light, like dusk would envelope the back of earth as it sounds...butttt you'd never be able to see a dark sky.  Impossible!!! Think,look,feel,see with real eyes and realize the Earth's flat!   Ask me what the governments are hiding !?   Wake up n just look!  Ask! Think?   Do you really think you are spinning 1036 mph around a gigantic ball of ? Emitting light n heat 93 million miles away to make a day" when I proved that can't work", circling said heat ball at 57000 mph to make a year and 600,000 600,000 mph thru space,stars never change tho.  OMG really!?  Not if you looked !!!!  Same stars every year since Egypt for sure,and gravity is a falicy. They can't even prove it but tell you it's holding sea"level" to a super spinning rotating flying thru space ball that's easily disproven and "still" you hold on to the lie your taught without looking or thinking.   Try it!!!!! 

I just read that and kept on reading cause I was waiting for the punchline or paradigm shift sort of thing assuming it was a method of trying to show people how reasonable a lie can be. But, this dude is for real. My first thought was ,"...and we all allow all men the same privilege..." (11th Article of Faith).

I like to read and reread this anytime I start to fall for logic in my own thoughts. It is obvious (painfully so at times or improper word choices) that there is a higher science, or understandable reason, than this "WYSIWYG" proof. And, his whole-hearted belief suggests to me that if God's ways are incomprehensibly higher trusting how something seems from data (regardless how it was obtained) if it was not given from God it is not as "obvious" as its lobbyists find it to be.

Nada

It comes as a relief to me that I have absolutely nothing screaming to be heard tonight. Wish I had more vacations.

I visited nearly every source of inspiration/outrage but strangely. I got nothing.

Maybe I'll dream! That'd be cool to remember.

Thanksgiving 2018

This year I am learning so much that I really ought to have already known about the Pilgrims. I started considering much of it when I pondered a long while the choice of the name of Pilgrim for the horse on "Horse whisperer". Today, I have been thinking alot about all things puritan a.k.a pilgrim. And I marvel at how much courage it took, nay, faith. The obeyed a God who would easily been forgotten or ignored given all the hardships. But, they wanted to worship the way they wanted to the point that they left all they had and pretty much gave up everything in order to get that freedom. It sorta reminds me of Jonah. He is an example of trying to disobey, but he still knew God was aware of him and expected him to go to Nineveh.

I like to think I would go and not try to escape or avoid something cause it was hard. Cause, like Jonah, I know that God is aware of me and I need to believe that if he asks something, then he makes it possible. Things looked pretty bleak for the pilgrims. But, Thanksgiving remembers that a way was prepared!

This is such an odd thought

It is strange and feels almost foreign and so I record that is crossed my thoughts this morning... I was considering how to know a thing by it's fruits and then a warning came to not only limit myself to the behaviors or actions but the reaction...I will explain this, mind you the thought came in a sudden burst I merely am trying to explain it to another mind.

I believe that those who ascribe to a way of life are good, and this represents only that the religion itself is of God. The person might not behave that way according to anything but mere coincidence. Whereas another who appears to act "badly" might actually choose to act better if the ascribed to a familiar dogma.

It first reminded me of how a reason that we came to earth was to be away from a parent who made sure that we always acted in accordance to his will. And although all must choose what religion to follow not everyone who acts and follows accordingly chose so.
A perfect example of this is found in the Book of Mormon when it is said that tge Lamanites are much better than all those who are enjoying life in accordance to the Gospel of Jesus Christ but, they had not been taught how to behave and are living exactly in accordance with the traditions they have been taught.
The second great example comes from a book by CS Lewis where people who have passed on or died visit heaven and are very surprised at who is there. According to the way they think this is wring and not justice at all.

Anyhow, it is a very strange thing to think but I was thinking, maybe justifying, a bit, about how my choices would seem contrary to what appears immediately, but if we live for eternity time is not so much a factor as is the raw fabric of a person and what it has the potential to become.

Ofcourse, one must weigh in saying that it is just where a person ends up. In my church we even claim that it is just that some be without the gospel, and some must be allowed to make their own choices wether or not God already knows what that choice will be...

Atomic time

I just had an idea and no one to tell so here it goes. We may not be able to record reliably where an electron is in an atom but we know that it is there. I do not know enough about quantum physics to say, but without certainty I formed a hypothesis: if we choose a location and measure it's return to the same location we might find it is periodic, like celestial reckoning. Passage of time seems to vary but things like gravity and other forces keep speed pretty constant and reliable. In geometery I learned that we do not need to be told every angle to be able to extropolate and determine other dimensions. My thoughts conjured or deduced such a way to measure what seemed otherwise unmeasurable. All thanks to a video I saw years ago in Dahlonega, Georgia at an engineering camp in which Carl Sagan likened atoms and what was infinity smaller to that which was infinitively larger and that through understanding the one we could understand the other. My dad sort of said the same thing when he described how a particular major emphasis was not as important in college as much as understanding a particular thing in greater detail. In turn we would be able to understand other things in such a greater degree of complexity. Wow. My dad is such a genius! And all along due to grades and standard quantification of intelligence I assumed only my mother was the brainy one. But, if I extrapolate such a thought. Ofcourse, why would she have "yoked" herself to such a goof? I had been fooled by his humility to think he really is just as ordinary as they come.

So incredibly thankful

It is appropriate that I ought to feel this way as Thanksgiving feast is nearly here. I feel lukewarm most days, because a sincere mental conversion has not happened but, whenever I pause to consider my nature I see differences and contemplation of such actions that set me apart from others always make me feel awe, wonder, gratitude then always a sincere hope or belief which is labled as one word in English: faith.

I have so much more to say, but must attend to other things immediately.

Alright, now I am at home again with a bit of free time so I wanted to say that the more I believe as my inclinations lean, the happier and more appreciative I am.

I don't know how I became what I am but I love me. Except for the inner sense of not having found it yet, so I look.

I have been watching the Last Kingdom again on Netflix and it colors everything I think about. And I notice how much power holywood has. The main character falls in love entirely so many times, eachtime it seems ideal/perfect, but ends. And I start to think it is reality and why so many marriages fail. Rather than realizing what was missing. People more quickly focus on else they can have. Through this on screen portrayalit is easy to the opposing forces of human nature vs. a nature of diety. Base self is indulged and becomes a reality. But, the whole tale is fiction.

Then in Season 2 I adore the relationship between Erik and Aethelfled and wonder why, and why Holywood is presenting it andmaking her husband seem like such a bad guy. What is the adgenda because I have fallen entirely for it.

We see divorce is rampant. And the screenwritters are trying to explain how it is acceptable, now what are they trying to say? Is it another Romeo & Juliet type thing? So, we dislike those who treat us poorly but love our enemies if they are chivalrous. I have not said what is the crux of my need to type my thoughts, but I need to go pick up my kids.

Regarding talents

My thoughts began on a personal matter. I feel as strongly as if I had been spoken to and Yet I have not formally, nor would I particularly want to, been spoken to.

Recently, My children started a discussion regarding the parable taught by Jesus of the master who gave his servants "talents" (or in other words, money). As we talked about how everyone was given something to be responsible for my daughter cried out that it was not fair. Which lead to the priciple I learned this morning. It does not even matter how much we are given as much as it does what we do with what we are given.

I have been noticing throughout my lifetime how often the greatest abilities are "unearthed" reluctantly. So, I could not help but notice this similarity to the parable of the talents. For me, it is teaching. I enjoy this and have noticeda skill that is sort of inborn. Many things I learn or see others do falls exactly in line with my nature and things that I already do. So, foolishly, I thought, "Well, guess I already have that ability. Next." But, that is not what we are supposed to do.

As a temple attending member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have promised to give what skill I have to God and this is used to build the kingdom of God on earth. But, but, teaching? Yes, it is actually one of the most significant duties of all because a person recieves direction and personality through guided instruction recievedin early years. (I giggle a bit because early was a spelling word for Mary this week and we learned it in a silly way, but it will NEVER beforgotten).

The whole point of writting was to document my answer regarding wether or not I wanted to continue working on this talent by going to school to learn how to gain legitimacy/motivation and command respect, because I already know what ought to be taught and why and I stink at the how part. And I really do not want to keep doing something I am terrible at, but that is exactly how to bury a talent instead of developing it. I know for a fact that I should keep working on developing this ability, and do my part to make this world better, and if I help only one person be better it will have not been in vain!

Serviceable?

Now behold, Helaman and his brethren were no less serviceable unto the people than was Moroni;

I was sort of nudged to relisten and ponder the end of Alma because it is found in the middle of the Book ofMormon and so I tend to rush through it and never even think about Amalickiah or hear stories about him which are real page turners (the stories about how he became a king, etc would make a great movie or serial).

Most specifically we have been asked to record things that strike us as noteworthy as we read. This passage and this word in particular stood out. Serviceable? Donot think I have evereven heard or said that word before, so maybe I ought to increase my vocabulary or atleast considerwhy it was chosen as it isnot commonly used...

Just this past week in our weekly church meetings missionaries spoke and expressed how significant love is in teaching the gospel. Service is an expression of Charity which is the true love of Christ. So, as the awesomeness of Moroni was expounded, the writer thought that one ought not forget the other great and wise men who "labored" (labor being synonomous with serve) among the Lamanite (contentious) people. So, it was mentioned that not only should we remember the great love Moroni had for his people, but Helaman and his brothers were also serviceable. A shorter way to put that the worked hard doing their part to serve and love their neighbors.

Whoah just whoah!

It does exist and I ought to say so much more, but can only mention it and how I stumbled on the death bed words as shared by a friend so that it will not be forgotten because it truly is the most important thing.

Really quick it makes me feel like Korihor as I often joked and even. Spitefully argued how there was no such thing as love, I had quite possibly mislead others because I fully believed falling in love was a waste of time used to keep us from accomplishing what we must, but I actually always hoped it did and still see how it is mocked and falsely impersonated to distract to the point that I had been fooled into believing it did not exist.

Just as satan can appear as an angel of light, love can be used to decieve. Often things that are powerful and life changing by design are imidated and there are so many imitations of love that one cane asily see them and logically prove it away, but True Love (now I am laughing as I consider a scene from "Princess Bride") does actually exist and not as a stumbling block to keep us from what matters but what does truly matter!

Will title later

Usually, having a working title before I start unloading my thoughts helpsto keep them from drifting too far off topic and sort of centers the things I allow myself to wander verbally to.

But, I have a strong need to unload and I honestly do not know what will pour out beforehand.

I am at the verge of allowing an action result from years of thinking. But, it has been a gradual reaching of a point. Like the straw that broke the camel's back. The world will only observe a consequence and find an explination that comes quickly and easily, but a lyric that plays/fits is " they say still waters run deep and you're no exception to the rule." And I think of the movie Inception. And do not foolishly think any one frustration was a sole motivator. Oh, I got it! The best way to explain it is a tid bit from a My Little Pony episode where terrible weeds sprout all over canterlot, and when asked if he was behind it, the bad guy (who is now good, sorta) feigns innocent acting surprised, but letting on to more in saying something to the effect of "yeah, strange. Those seeds should have sprouted years ago." That is the best way to explain my notion. My action will have resulted from cumulative cause over time. Which final straw may be removed but the sentiment has not.

Likewise, it has taken considerable time for me to accept something as true although no particular thing has changed, my perception of it has allowing and even describing how I feel about it. I can see the good cause behind my unhealthy obsession and now all that remains is the good cause.

The long run

So, when I get ready for the day, I look in the mirror. My thoughts are not immediate but for the entire day. Some times I think my hair looks nice, but it is like one of those glamor shots of the windblown look. It may be fine immediately, but it will not endure the day well. That is what I think about Satan. He reigns in the immediate and appeals to many, but as a past stake president said, we already know the story and who wins. I am reminded of well-known study done by giving children one treat and promising to give another if they keep their one treat. Like my dad taught: often people trade what they need for what they want right now! I see everywhere people claiming that one can only know the now and planning for the future is rediculous. Likewise, I do not know exactly what aday holds, but I prepare for it like aboy scout when doing my hair for instance. I sacrafice a immediately trendy look for a dull one that will surely endure a day and still look the same.

What I took from Job today

First of all, if you are reading for the title: I do not know anyone named Job and believe stealing is wrong. I meant to share what I understood anew from considering the story of Job in the Old Testament. Meaning that although I amfamiliar with the story and the various lessons reading it teaches. I read it again and got something entirely new as a message to instruct and encourage me this morning and I am going to share it.

The overarching sentiment or encompassing take away is that there comes a point when although things are important they are not necessary.

I do not have the luxury of time to explain right now...

I appreciate Enos more now

I suppose that I always appreciated Enos, but I am paying much closer attention to him as a fellow this time around. Although, a few things bewilder me still.
Most of all I paused on the wordsthat said the Lamanites were hard to understand. Then the thing I wish to speak about is this passage:

-- stirring them up continually to keep them in the fear of the Lord. I say there was nothing short of these things, and exceedingly great plainness of speech, would keep them from going down speedily to destruction

This is exactly what problems I am having with my husband and how he expects to both motivate and be motivated to act. Whereas, I feel like one ought to respect another's ability to make a choice not use fear. To me that is too much like Satan's plan to force everyone in to Heaven. Children need parental guidance, but all punishment or forcefulness ought to be done with the awareness of why so every choice is understood and a framework or heavenly law imerges as evidence to our choices. This is morality not cohersion. When help is needed it is there UNTIL the training wheels can be removed. It is why teens struggle so much for independence. They want to experience first hand consequences that result from their actions. It is like they are learning for the first time the very thing I am trying so hard to establish.

I think now about my baby, Mary Anne. She had an exceptional kindergarten teacher who alone could figure out how to motivate my stubborn, rude little angel.

We knew that deep inside she wanted to be kind and loving and yet She purposefully aggrivated others and disrepected any one who tried to force her to behave. This teacher learned how to motivate her to be good. She did this by rewarding good behavior and subsequently, that has always worked where punishing bad behavior only seems to make her worse.

In a class I recently took it was brought to my attention that forceful negative language sometimes will not work where praising good will. A study showed that children hear only the last words of the command to "do not throw cars." And even if or maybe more particularly when they want to obey they throw the cars. Where as thanking them for not throwing cars and mentioning why we do not throw them teaches them moral behavior.

From experience, with Mary I learned that speaking in positives and a pleasant tone has earned her love, respect, and one hundred percent obedience. I think it is similar to the way Enos must've been feeling about the Lamanties. I am soooooooooo thankful for my daughter's teacher and I have told her so.

I have prayed often for her and her name comes to mind whenever I wonder about what I am most thankful for. It truly is no little thing. Infact, when Enos prayed and was heard and answered it was the sincerest wish of his heart to want to help his bretheren despite what appeared. I can relate to that feeling of love. I remember right now a story told by Thomas S. Monson at a regional conference in Seattle about a nurse who prayed to love a patient who seemed unlovable. She was granted the momentary ability to feel as the Savior did for this cantankerous old man and so much love wore her out physically as it was a burden to love so purely and intently. It is eye opening to know that He actually loves us all that much and also wants each of us to be motivated by love and not fear. Fear, afterall, is the opposite of faith...

Words can do harm

Many notable people have noted things in their own way. This is how I realized that the pen is mighty. I was watching a TV show called Law & Order and I thpught I knew how to judge and no simple words,regarless how compelling, would persuade me otherwise. Yet after the well scripted argument was made for the guilty party. I did change my mind.

This made an impression on me. If I read or listened to the wrong things I could be persuaded to believe them. All along I believed that I had an innate ability to judge. It was independent of the words of anyone, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Right? Well, from that point on I learned the importance of not allowing subversive or contentious words into my head. If I wanted to believe a thing and it made me happy to do so, then I needed to gaurd and protect it and nurture it.

This little belief is what is referred to as a testimony. This past week I was telling a group of children a thing I knew although they doubted. I forcibly told them it WAS true and at that point I realized that reasoning the truth was not going to prove anytjing. I felt solidly that what I spoke of was true and I have never felt like that Ever Ever before. But, I knew that it was correct and I want to feel that way again. My son was in the class and so I asked him what he believed and he said that he knew that I knew it and so it must be true because I do not just quickly believe anything haphazardly.

But, I was researching things that are evidence of what I said, and found questionable things that I would not even look at and thought "what could a few words, that are someone else's opinion do?" So, I thought all of this and remembered, "sticks and stone may break my bones, but words could spiritually kill me."

I got it

I figured out by shutting down and rebooting, if you will. It became clear to me the thing I had questioned with no solution for years: "Why did I cling to things when everyone I esteemed intellectually thought otherwise?"

It has to do with what you surround yourself with once you have a choice.

Children are likewise taught that taking drugs is bad. They avoid taking drugs because that is something the make a choice to do. Subsequently, they never experience the gradually diminishing ability to make choices.

I do not remember the song or interview specifically, but somewhere it was said by Chad Kroeger/Nickelback that a person was hardly recognizable due to their dependance on a substance. To me that is like to the sort of people/media we surround ourselves with. When people I admire are surrounded by the same things I am they behave in a way I admire and try to emulate. Further, if I were to be under the same environmental pressures I would change my views, but our worlds and thus influences are so different by choice. In reality, those are not individuals I actually admire because when they made their choice, their choice was not one that lead to independence. In my view they have given up freedom for captivity of thought. I only saw this becauase I stepped back and started over. Good in good out...

Now, what the heck did I just say? I said that through shutting down the outside world and then carefully allowing good things alone into my mind,  I can see why I think differently than others. It is because I fill my mind with different things. If I filled my mind with similar things, I would likely share their points of view, but what they think is not a strength in thinking just a difference. And it is a thing to be mindful of that I think differently than others I once greatly admired. But, I chose differently when I had a similar choice.

It is only an impression that remains, but there was a cross-road in my life where I had to decide to not heed a major force and instead cling to what I knew that I loved. I think others may find happiness different places and would not feel a sense of fufillment without seeking for their "place in this world". I do not belittle that but admire it as much as I find great peace in knowing I am where I belong.

I often think "I wonder if others are happy where they are or if they wish they were where I am." (a subconscious result of years of listening to. Darker Side of Blue).

I hope hope hope that someone would rescue me if ever I followed the wrong lead, but I have come to achieve a peace of mind regarding what I believe to be true is true as, far as I am concerned. I am not looking anymore. I was only looking because if others believed something else was true why didn't I? And I know why now. And so the best that I can do it toss a rope ladder down into the well and trust that if Timmy wants to be rescued he will climb up otherwise I know I tried to help but my help was not even wanted.

CS Lewis and proverbs

This was just one of many fleeting thoughts. In the movie Shadowlands which I was watching again the charachter of CS Lewis is called a lapsed atheist, and it made me think deeply about the proverb that I had always accepted as fact which is that if you train up a child a certain way he will return to it. But, C.S.Lewis was not merely Christian as a lapse, but would never return to his earlier belief. I instantly thought, "well, of course Christianity is true and he found it, that proverb only applies to those who were taught lies and only momentarily in their life get side-tracked in a search for more." But I have all thoughts tempered by my inner Plato who asks uh, this scripture is generally used to soothe the worried minds of parents who strived to teach their children of God but, despite this, they "lapse" in their path and seek truth elsewhere. These parents find consolation knowing that their "way ward child" will return.

My back hurts.... Must rest.

Created for love?

I am dping some serious soul searching right now. It is a period of asking more questions than I immediately have answers for. Hence, for the sake of seriousness, I am sharing very little because it is of a private nature and not fit to be used as informational fodder towards any agenda.

I have previously congratulated myself for not getting tripped up on a thing that befalls many only to see that the tripping up was an intended thing. That thing is love
I am not in love 💘. But, although not falling afforded me many advantages those advantages are mostly short term. It was impressed upon me, (for what it means to me, I don't yet know), that we were created for a purpose and that purpose includes achiwving eternal life. I very quickly set aside the living for happiness in lieu of achieving a goal unthwarted. But, I genuinely suspect that what seems to be a failure was accounted for and sort of by design. So, maybe I shot myself in the foot the day before a big race.

It is true many pleasures distract and are not going to bring any lasting happiness. I refer to being slothful and lazy or gluttonous. They seem happy, but actually distract from true potential. Like a youth conference I attended in Mississippi where in a period representing our lives...leaders tried to convince us that we should use the free time to enjoy ourselves and not take boring classes. I instantly saw the wisdom and truth being taught but I interpretted it incorrectly to mean one ought not enjoy themselves if they wanted to truly succeed. And I did succeed. It was sort of my accident or coincidence that I just randomly happened to choose the right first steps thus being the first and practically only one to figure out what was going on. And so I sized up the limited potentially available spouses and chose none of them. I deemed it a better choice and then went back and sort of fast tracked another random dude so I could proceed and be married because it was essential. I did not care one whit that my spouse was in love with another girl (his girlfriend), I was not going to be tricked into failing to meet a requirement because of love.

So, in this little scenario I succeeded and was actually alone for a long time in what was supposed to represent the Celestial Kingdom. Then, finally "my husband" showed up and we were given a mock family, mostly of others who were not actually married but met all of the other requirements. Um, if I had an original point I lost it. Now, I am just telling a story. After some time we had a meeting to share what we learned. I was asked to go first as I was first and alone for a long time in the "Celestial Kingdom". Wouldn't you know it, as we met all together in a larger room my "husband" left to go sit by his real girlfriend and so my family all left to go be with friends and loved ones.

What I get now from all of this is that it is no advantage to accomplish without someone to share it with.

A philosophy professor once asked our class if they had dear or loved ones and if they would be associated in the afterlife...further because many believed they would be alone praising God,he asked if they thought they would ever even recall their loved ones and if so how could they be eternally happy?

Last thought comes from the movie Shadowlands where the hero realizes that the Joy then comes from the sadness now. So, I used to think that if I were miserable now I would be so much happier after I endure it. But, perhaps love 💘 is much more than that, and I can make much more sense out of things if I were loved.

Suppose...

I do not have the time to think this now, but I hope to return to this thought at a later date.

If I was willing to entertain the thought that there was no Christ then I would have no answer to mamy questions and why would mankind have created such a fictious complete with supporting testimonial books beyond scripture that speak plainly of him. Also, There is the overwhelming feeling that is practically undeniable.I would need a verrrry good explination of that. The inspiration of beautiful art through put all time as well as science and love... But, I am pressed for time and cannot spare a moment to consider that. I keep thinking, well look at the Greeks and Romans or all the Norse gods and folktales they seem obviously "out there" Till They Have Faces, huh? Not real to me, so what?

Parable of the sower

I was wondering if all of the parables (of Jesus Christ) have less obvious implications and that is how I realized how dreadful my situation is.

Ok, song time! "Faith is like a little seed. If planted it will grow..." Often, I use this to determine if a gospel principle is as we say true. You live the principle and by the fruits that are reaped one can see the good of it, and the apostle Paul taught that every good thing comes from God. My concern is how to judge a thing good or bad. It has been taught that if a thing inviteth to do good it is good. Well, that is rather cyclical. If a thing inviteth and enticeth then it motivates so what it motivates to a thing it is a thing. So, if I called the thing good by recognizing what it motivated me to do. I choose the gospel as the starting point. Whatever it motivates is my definition of Good then. Ok. Now keep that in mind and now apply it to my life choices which result or reaping I do not see as good and it is what would be most desirable to meand that has lead or motivated me at all times not paying attention to what has been extremely obvious to nearly anyone else. It is not as if I have been clueless or anything. I had always been taught that we struggle and it is rewarded, so the more difficult a thing is and the more preserverence is needed it follows that the pay off will be greater, so I focused on ignoring a hardship after another that would have seemed ridiculous to almost any other human. And just when I feel like I could not take anymore and decide that no reward could be worth it I would tecite mantras about how the only difference between failure and success is that one more moment was endured than before. I had surely endured more than anyone had before or anyone even imagined anyone would, and I realized that my son would one day have the priesthood power needed to restore my life to one I felt was competent.

Really, my life has not accomplished any of the things that seemed definite in my early years. Last night I told my children how important it is to have a good center of balance before you exercise because you do no want to build your muscles compensating for that. I have purposefully avoided doing things until I could do them right because I planned to live a long life and did not want to get accustomed to being disabled.

I got side-tracked. Urrrgh!

So, if the results indicate truth or goodness, I married a utah Mormon boy who has never even mentioned being sealed. He has not progressed in the preisthood, not desired to go to the temple or get a pat. blessing. I would have to say that that seed is not a good one, or I would have entirely diffirent consequences right now. I need to thinka bit more about this all.

Isabel Linton

I was listening to a song by Reo Speedwagon "Keep on Loving You" where it was saying that you should have known by the .... But you didn't listen and I suspect it is a popular archetype who hasn't heard the phrase that "Love is blind" and who epitomizes that more than Isabel Linton. If you are scratching your head thinking who the heck is Isabel Linton, never fear I will remind you.

In the story of "WutheringHeights" the center stage of your thoughts are consumed by the extreme love of Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff and then perhaps the love triangle created by the introduction of one Edgar Linton. Well, he has a sister who Heathcliff also decides to try that whole marriage thing out on someone and it is Isabel Linton who keeps on loving Heathcliff despite warnings. It is curious that Isabel and Heathcliff's daughter ends up looking almost exactly like Catherine Earnshaw who is in no way a blood relative of this girl. Although Heathcliff is an adopted brother and Isabel a sister-in-law.

Another point of interest that I will toss in here with love and it's blindness. I wrote a poem that asked "what is beauty to the blind?" Rhyming,ofcourse, I ask further "when they seek what do they find?" Yesterday I read about a study that was groundbreakingly, though questionable ethically. Somehow I had never even heard of it. A man had every sensation shut off via his CNS and brain and it was wondered if this person could still kniw or sense things from God.... Ooooh time to jet.

Big picture

It is a fun game to debate with oneself on issues like the raft scenario where one needs to argue their worth, or tge ethocal debates about a speeding train full of people needinhg to be diveeted but someone is on the track. But, this is not that. Instead, I played a game with myself imagining the values of things or pepple when they were not the main character or person of interest. It all ended by me imagining the truth of being the only truly central character and no one else made any choices of relative interest.

Suppose nothing else mattered by what you thought or did, like the "Truman Show" and everyone else was aware of their value and the role they each played in solving issues. And every person seen was placed before you and intend4d for a reaction.

Love

Quickly, love is not a physical thing, I don't think. That was a gift for love that existed all along.

The thought was much longer if you want to think more along these lines think about the movie Manaquin for a while.

It crossed my mind

I wish I had writter's block sometimes.

Coincidences missed

I realized and wanted to nite thethought that removing all the unexplained evidence from my life makes me unhappy and that perhaps not being able to explain the million and one little coincidences makes my life feel better. Sure, I realize that it may have been extremely deluded but, I prefer it that way. My little life descision comes from the results of only acknowledging the things I can explain. The best way to examine it it through a stargate atlantis episode where the SGA team asks a boy who is preparing for a suicide because of his age if it is worth it for him to never live longer than 25.The team explains just a few of the grandest moments of life that occurr after the age of 25. The boy thinks then explains that it is better to live a shorter life if it means one without the fear of being attacked by life-sucking alliens. The premise is that if they do not livebeyond the age of 25 they will never be of interest to the attackers.

In the end the belief was found to be false, but the truth remains that a certain type seems better than a longer life. Likewise, I found that a life of hope is likely ignorant but ignorance is bliss and I choose happiness and magicalness over rejecting what I do not comprehend. As analgebra teacher explained, "the more we learn the more ignorant we become."

Particles again

I have been thinking again layely about why I have so mamy opinions about things that I could not possibly understand anyway...well not the way experts in such fields explain them.

It always comes back to my notions of creation and forces and building blocks. I love ideas when they match my preconcieved ones, but where the heck do they come from?

I argue with brilliant philosophers and mathmaticians about theories I could not even begin to understand as they do and tonight it occurred to me why that is.

I am in a sense untethered to, as my husband put it as he explained core math solutions to my son. My husband spoke of thinking outside the box, which I chose to refer to as untethered. The great thinkers weave grand, fine, complicated weaves that like a spider's web are sticky and intended to trap. Most great thinkers waste time arguing about the impracticalities that can only be understood through accepting other impracticalities.

As an aside, in college I was very upset that I did not understand well enough to use the jargon to communicate false theories in my evolutionary biology and astronomy classes (ahich were all electives for a music major). So, I went to the library to check out Newton's Principea and ended up not understanding a bit of it. The book was lovely and old, but entirely in Latin and mathmatics. Although, I adored mathmatics it must be a universal language (like one used on SG-1). If I understood it I could draw complex equations on chalkboards and. Solve complex problem by quantifying them (which I felt was what John Nash could do in the movie A Beautiful Mind).

Ok, come back here to my point. I do not speak mathmatics, and I think that gives me an actual advantage. As I was laid off from a technical field position at Boeing my boss explained that I was not being let go because I seemed to lack technical expertise because that was actually why I had been hired. He explained that my job was one where comminication was more important that being an outward brainiac aka nerd. He said that opposed to the many recently graduated tech gurus knew it all and acted accordingly. It was my humility and approachability that solved problems. Cause frankly, more issues ran deeper than a misfunctioning device. And from surveys of past customers I was doing a far better job. I obviously knew my business but often what was needed was someone to explain what was wrong in a way that was understood by the end users not wow them or make them feel too stuipid to use the equipment.

So, I feel like I am able to delve into deeper issues because I am not a know it all. I am not tripped up by squabbles that grand theories and infrastructures have made. My theories are not based on complex math or such, to me they are simple truths.

Hah! My dad once said something profound about his algebra teacher (and I noticed my music theory teachers doing it, too). He said that they like to make it seem like what they understand is so profound and mysterious that you will need to come to them for help when actually it is ashamedly simple. A good teacher is like C.S.Lewis in the movie Shadowlands giving easy answers for life's difficult problems.

So back to the Atom. I do not even know the proper jargon to explain what holds it together, nor am I in any way qualified to explain spacetime or how heavenly bodies move in orbits but I do undeniably know that whatever principle can be measured and understood through studying one will tell about the other.

Superman

I was thinking about how much superman loved Lois Lane and it occurred to me that it was a real eye opener for him to not be able to save her... By means of hus superpowerness as defined by those who called him super. Things that were valued and considered mighty or x-ray vision or what not. But, my band director told me once when I gave him what I considered a very valid excuse (it was also genuine). He told me, "I guess we see your priorities. There is always a way if there is a will." So, I struggled a bit to think of a way, though uncomfortable, I found a way to make it possible to take my trombone home and practice every night. This is like super man in that he was desperate and sort of forced to realize his abilities because he wanted to save Lois. So, he used his powers in a way not even previously concieved and not likely used again (but can we be so sure?). Superman flew super fast around the earth causing time to rewind and this time be there to save her. If you love someone, you will find a way.

After life

When I was in high school, I would not have believed anything could be more desirable than having the perfect skin or perfect figure. Although many told me that life existed after high school and those things did not matter. It was better to think of it as a blessing that I was skinny and flat-chested. I did not see how. It seemed to me that what mattered WAS the now and I wanted to be attractive so that I would marry well and have a happy and fufilling life. But, getting older showed me that there was life after high school and being so skinny and scrawnny then made me feel fat when comparatively I was still way below average just bigger. And, I may have endured very difficult trials, but they are ones that I was suited for. I did not have to struggle with a man who valued the perfect body over other attributes that I never had to develop to compensate for an unflattering shape. And I did things without concer for what effect it might have on my perfect body, like having children or being unable to eat so that my kids could. These thoughts came because I was considering what good being successful right now would be anyway.

I have heard others say that we ought to life for the now because we cannot even be sure of an afterlife anyhow. Instead focus on what we KNOW. That just seems wrong to me. In high school it seemed like it was all that mattered but, it was knowable that there was more, or a life after high school. Even though I refused to trust my hopes and dreams in it. High school passed and here is the next phase. I seriously doubt this is the end either or that having the best anything will matter or cause a future unseen happiness. It has been often pointed out through art and literature that after we die in this life our mortal ideas of justice are not used to determine a placement in a life after death.

In a book by CSLewis. A busload of individuals from "Hell" visited "Heaven" and were very uncomfortable and wanted to go home. They were also concerned at the people they saw in heaven that did not "deserve" to be there.

I cannot even begin to count the times people told me I was going to hell because I was a Latter-day Saint. One professor intelligently questioned my accusers: are you going to heaven and live forever happy and singing praises to God? They ansewered yes. He then hoped they hated me or never remembered having friends who might be in hell. Cause it would be hard to live forever and remember friends or loved ones sucfering in hell, let alone the other people who do not like to sing praises. They would not be happy either but at least you will!

It is quite possible the reason things matter or even what things matter might suprise us. Then, who is to say that is THE END?

Quick but important

If we truly exist outside physical, then thoughts and memories could never be erased. I thought this was true with ourbrains having unknown capacity, but that will ultimately be destroyed, right?

Lessons from Jezabel

I remember memorizing a scripture in seminary that was a warning to not follow after women who worship another god because they will influence you to do so. At thetime I took it not to date outside of my faith if I valued it. This warning came from God, and was a thing to hold on to if my goal was the love of God. That, and well when I was 16 my stake president spontaneously asked me to bear my testimony at stake youth conference about why I would only date members of the church. At that point I had not firmly decided to date within my faith. This is because deciding to do so meant not being a hypocrit and thus only dating my brothers. But, as I had to quickly decide to do this, and explain why. I recited the common reasons and thus they were solidified in my being and perfect timing, we moved to an entirely new location where there were what I considered many datable individuals. Then, through colloge there were absolutely no boys my age I held firm to my commitment and explained it to any I felt I was becoming closer to, some baptisms followed, butI finally found many on the internet once I became marrying age.

But, then today, as we watched a cartoon about the story of King Ahab, Elijah, and Jezabel I more fully understood that scripture. Israel had been a chosen nation and they split apart and were almost completely lost as a people because the kings valued women who were following other religions. As a woman,  I could not see how any husband or lover could make me believe in an other God, but women were not kings!

What became most obvious to me was how the First commandment is to have no other gods before me. So, It really matters to man in successfully navigating this life. And surely there were other women around like Ruth or Ester who were worshiping the God of Israel. So, why did the kings chase after and end up worshiping other Gods? It occurred to me that the natural man is an enemy to God and by nature men value attributes in women that are found other places. And that was the lesson I learned from Jezabel today.

Storage of thoughts

I am storing up feel good thoughts. I guess it is a hobby. If you ever hear good advice in word form send it my way.

I am storing them up in times of need. The first one is probably the biggest one to me and strangely it does only me good and will have practically no value to anyone else. I still cannot believe it. It was a compliment that I instead of just accepting and reveling in I assume it was only said to feel better about all the work I am doing.

This is what was said, " I really like your handwriting." And that is why I am asking you to write all of the lables for me.

Now, the reason that means so much to me, if true, is that it is a real shortcoming of mine. It is alot like I have always thought I was sooo ugly. It is refreshing to think that others might actually appreciate things I see as terrible. I had decided that maybe my perception of things was slightly off from what others percieved. A teacher once put it this way: "It is not like the extremely wierd or handicapped person realizes they are. Maybe I am one."

My handwiting is terrible. It has Always been that way, but maybe what I think is horrible because it is not like everyone else's, someone else admires. I like that thought.

The second thought is about a girl who had a huge crises where she began to doubt everything she thought was true simply because she had been so positive about something that was wrong. And amid extending to post trauma, she looked outward and wanted to help others in a similar situation. She mentioned all the residual pain and guilt. I actually ought to have suffered the same fate, but unknowingly maybe I struggled through and am not aware of any pain or heartache.

Likewise, when my older children moved away, almost everyone mourned for me like it was pretty much too much for a person to endure. But, maybe I am unfeeling or something (maybe I just understand things better) because I was not a basket case.

I do have alot of unassigned depression😥 but I just do not think it is the same thing.

Lastly, I often think of a comment some guy off handedly made about how oddly shaped the Egyptians must've been. The images recorded of them show women with very high waistlines and a curving bulge for their tummy, combined with the previous girl's rant about the harm that having ones mind bombarded with unrealistic images of what a woman's body looks like. I giggle to think that those hieroglyphics might me an Egyptian equalivant of magazines and they were trying to portray a woman's body the way that pleased them and women who were too thin or shaped the modernly preferred way were sad and tried everything to try and look right.

The main point for me is that perhaps someone appreciates my body for what it is. It truly is a bit on the strange side. But, someone loves it, preferred beauty changes.

Crazy assumption

I am not saying the people to think they know what to be are crazy, but the more knowledge one aquires the more of it is questionable, and to think it something is not right is crazy because that assumes there is a right way that enough is known to even assume something.

Part 3

Ok, now it is time to address my most current manifestation of the same lesson. So, I ran away to Utah and got married because all I absolutely, undeniably knew was that I was Christian and it seemed like the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints was literally that. My doubt was that I merely happened to be born into a gospel centered family. But, really, it did not just happen. I had several pieces of evidence that things worked out providencially.

One time, at a Youth Conference a mock life was arranged and I was the very first to figure everything outdespite influencial leaders attempts to steer us in another more attractive direction. Classes were taken and checked off in a particular order. A stamp needed to be on your card to prove that you were ready for that particular lesson ( like temple reccommends ). I just happened to choose the first lesson first! If I had been turned away on my first few attempts, then I would likely have been disillusioned and given up. The real eye opener was how I stole another girl's boyfriend because I needed to be "sealed" to progress. I ended up by myself in the end because it was not real and at a meeting he went back to be with his girlfriend in outter darkness. In the mock life, after death, I was shocked at how few people were in the Celestial Kingdom when so many youth were at the conference. I did not consider myself particularly smart either. But, I was the first person there and I was alone for quite a long time.

So, my purpose in comming to Utah was to finish (or perfect) my vision of a happy family. A little illness would not deter that! Now I am remarried with two more children and working teaching many many young children helping prepare them for the return of Jesus Christ! Things are good! Very very good, and that is what bothers me.

I keep on thinking, even praying, about the matter. My husband is a very good man and if I only tried I would appreciate him so much. He is trying so hard. Isn't that enough? It isn't for me. Even if he was everything he promised to be, I have a warning in my heart not to be decieved. Comfort was never the goal or the opposite, so what am I doing? I am living someone else's dream, and I might even appreciate aspects of it, but I might be missing the mark.

Truth gets confused the more mixed in with false. Think wheat and tares...

If I wanted to mess up myself, I would try to immitate a sense of peace and accomplishment. That is precisely why I am unhappy with finding a happily ever after. As a Sunday School teacher asked us once, "what end are we enduring for?" I thought there was no end so something is amiss.

Part 2

I do not actually recall what I was previously saying I merely know what I failed to say and it nags at me.

Things went terribly in my life by nearly any human standards, yet I managed to be fine with it all and see the silver lining.

I was divorced and so much more was left in shambles. If likened to something, it would be a person choosing to spend their life building a huge domino display then before placing the final pieces someone knocked one down which set off a chain reaction.

I will say it all in this sentence: it was a very low point in my life. This is when I decided to start a gratitude journal. I saw how much I still had. Often, the game I played sounded alot like parents telling their children that children were starving in Africa to get them to value their unwanted food. It helps, but never really works. I knew that I was very lucky to be living rent free at my parents house. Others were homeless due to this recession.

So, I walked alot. It was more pensive type walk. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted.

Next, I want to tell story about a time that I was in the hospital.  I don't remember why I was there or where I was. I only remember that I was eating cranberry Jell-O. Brandall, was my husband at the time and was visiting me, which was rare I barely knew who he was anyhow. He started freaking out telling me to stop eating that although I loved cranberry and could not actually eat much else.

He informed me that I hated Jello. I was sealed forever to rhis man and he had an invested interest in my future, I thought. So, I obeyed. This is funny because it is the exact epitomy as to why my misfortune could be a blessing. Sure, I had lost everything I had worked hard to build up, but now, I got to rebuild it all, including my marriage.

So, I did a whole lot of walking and self-talking. I tried to study journals, but if I had discovered something I was not smart enough to dicifer it everything was in code and I lacked know how and motivation. I'd just rediscover again through living.

journal type thought that recurs - part 1

It all began, noticing my traits, in college when I was being interviewed to be a counselor. I was ask if I saw myself as a conformist. Oh dear! I knew that my gut answer was going to dismiss myself as a possible candidate, but I was already in the recruiting video, and on the pamphlet for the school, so I had done my part and so I would not regret my honest answer. I said that in fact I thought of myself as a conformist. Eeeeek! later, as I thought about what I said it frightened me. thought of my self as belonging to a group that identified themselves as not belonging. How dishonest, and entirely untrue!!
As I returned to my dorm room that evening and replayed the interview I realized what I had said, and though those words did not adequately describe me they taught me a valuable lesson about myself. I was an actual nonconformist not one who merely conformed to others who were rejected.

Ok, so that was the planting of a seed. Later, after I left school and got a great job in Computers, I was dissatisfied because I was female 25 and not married. All my life I had been taught the role of females was to leave her father's home and adopt another patriarch and teach others to accept him as an absolute ruler. So, in my eyes, although I had accomplished great, nearly the greatest things, they seemed as dross because they did not include a patriarch. further I had been musing over the idea that professional woman surely COULD perform better, but shouldn't. In fact, at one point, a newly hired man was laid off, but I was not. Sure, it was likely because I performed better, but he was trying to support a family and I was taking a source of income from him, sort of. I decided that if all women stayed home and took care of things of the home more jobs would be available to men so that they COULD provide them "the dream" life.

So, I got married. Honestly, my expectations were never that high. I just wanted a provider who was LDS. I should have been extremely happy when I found it and was sealed in the temple and told him that he was stuck with me, and he said that was what he wanted. I had three beautiful children, no job, and was living exactly as I had been taught, but I wonder if I taint my own memory, because I recall feeling empty like something was wrong, before my life exploded.

I was hospitalized with a freak Brain/nervous system infection that nearly killed me, but I was not so lucky. huh? Why did I see it as lucky to end life? because if it was happy, ever after could stay, I thought. So, I was divorced and my ex-husband took my three children because I was deemed incompetent. Medical experts testified that I would likely never function well. I was in a wheelchair and struggled to eat and talk, and caring for young children is hard work!!

I keep getting side-tracked. perhaps this will be a multi-parter...

Too much

When I was a young girl I was at a friend's house and we were looking for something to eat, since we played all day in the pool we were famished.

What I saw was amazing!!! There was every imagineable snack and goodie (store bought) available, but she was making a pb & j sandwich. I was shocked. I thought I needed these items and here she was with them available and she was not choosing them. So, I acted nonchalant and made a sandwich to go with an apple like I always had.

This episode made a huge impression on me and surfaced in my thoughts as I was thinking about what things are for and what it would actually be like to have anything I wanted. I wondered what I would need then.

I think of how everything I desire to be happy was taught.  I can find perfection in following what I was taught, but is that who I really am or who I was conditioned to be?

I think I am so lucky and smart, but maybe I am great a following what I am used to, and could achieve something better if my goal was higher. I used a metaphor with a boyfriend in college. I explained to him why I was so freakishly different. It boiled down to my standards. Suppose you were playing put put golf and the goal is to get a hole in one. Most people share a standard that is simple, and pretty certain at sucess. But, my aim is much, much more difficult but if I achieve it I will truly feel a sense of accomplishment.

Oh, I need to insert here a tid bit I heard in a talk yesterday, a woman was taking about how she felt so guilty because her friends must think she was such a BAD Mormon cause they believed  that Mormons did not eat any sugar (which is entirely untrue, btw).

So, if in this little metaphor thingy happiness comes from a hole in one, maybe I do not need to try for the nearly impossible one and my happiness might be scoring from a different goal. Oooh, I am getting waay off track...

I was thinking particularly about beauty. It is likely because of all of the bimbos that I truly have a chance at being considered beautiful. I used to worry so much that I was,not beautful enough to attract someone who would love me soo completely.  I thought it was rediculous to fall in love with beautiful people anyway, cause I only even knew about them because everyone already loved them.

But, I figured they really popular people are actually the only ones who might desire me, because I am thinking about that friend who had access to all of that junk food but instead chose what was important. What would someone who could afford to appear any way they wanted or make Anyone love them want? It wouldn't even be about being pretty enough...

That's what always happens

I think I made it through, and am begning to see glimpses of light and imagining the rest, all the while I am imagining conspiracy theories of how screwtapian it would be to use love and kindness to lure one into security and divulging secrets they normally keep gaurded, an fooey, sometimes one has to fully believe in a trick to the point of actually being trapped as was the master plan all along (like Adam and Eve). But, that is not what I was thinking about anyhow...

I was feasting on the various interviews of Adam Duritz online. Cause he sings that someone is not what they seem, this proves my future point, too. So, I wondered who he seems cause who he was to me is totally different, too.

As I watched various videos I freaked out that one was with Rob Thomas who was musically one of my larger than other heroes, too. In the interview Rob Thomas talked about when he knew that he was a song writer and it totally caught me off gaurd when I started thinking about Tal Bachman's debut album how he claimed that he started writting songs because it was what he was good at. Similarly, Rob Thomas said that he really had no other options. Well, so it is the same era, ofcourse thdy think similarly. We often see like themes in an era and they come to define the era. But, it was funny to me how everything reminded me of Tal Bachman, even when I was busy being obsessed with Adam Duritz. I bet he was, too. I mean, who wouldn't be if they wrote songs, they would surely see the "hand of providence" in everything he writes.

Long December

So, as usual I was singing to myself after putting the kids to bed. While I washed the dishes, I know how mundane, I was singing a counting crows song and it reminded me of how silly I had been. I was working as a field tech for IBM fixing hardware at Boeing Aerospace in Kent/Renton and for a lunch break I visitefy dive shop where somehow we were discussing my intentions for the future, they wondered if my dream was to become a dive bum, or a computer technichian. So, I explained that actually I was just waiting to hear back from Adam Duritz. I had just sent him a demo of my latest songs, and if anyone would get them and see how much potential I had it was him. I always felt a kinship to his music, and he was probably looking for great unsigned artists cause he just had started his new record company, "E Plurbis Unim". Golly, I was convinced, and totally unrealistic. I was SURE that I would be an incredible super star. As I washed dishes and watered plants I sang more and remembered how obsessed I was with Adam Duritz. It was not founded on any reality or was it healthy at all. No one else would like him anyway, until I heard that Jennifer Anniston dated him, and complained that he smelled, nay reaked of cigarette smoke. Then and there, I wrote him off, the whole thing was silly anyway. Next, I reminisced about my drive, my LONG drive from WA to MS with everything I owned in my volvo wagon. STOP. Wait a minute... I just remembered only partially that Robert Woodruff, a fiance, was with me in Mississippi, college age before WA, and he was very disturbed by my insistance on always wanting to listen to counting crows, he bought me "The Forgotten Carols" thinking I would love them so much!!  I eventually did like Jim introducing Morrissey or Brandall thinking I would go crazy about Depeche Mode. I actually reacted a bit adversely to them both at firsy, but now adore them. Anyhow, long story short I was and still am obsessed with Adam Duritz denying it is as pointless as acknowledging it.

Short Adam Apple thought

I always think that maybe somehow that fruit Adam ate had testosterone. Just a thought.

Anti hero

Out of fear of a hero complex, I forced myself into an anti hero complex. What I mean by that is that a hero does not choose to be one. I must relate a great movie I just saw where a man tried his hardest to avoid the inevitable, he was sort of destined to greatness and as he tried harder and harder to avoid it, that was what made him more popular. Others told the dude how modest he was because he denied any talent or such, but he honestly, cause movies give you an extra "observer" insight, he sincerely believed himself untalented and worthless, which made him so loveable. Real quick, That is similar to how I used to always feel about Tal Bachman: I honestly believed that he somehow, maybe supernaturally, always knew exactly what to say, think, or do to be popularly loved. I thought it an extremely uncanny thing. I compared it to a thing I had learned from John Locke years ago about how a man rises to power because he exhibits a certain "needed" skill set. So, he was likely oblivious to it, but regardless it was what the population craved and so he without even trying filled a niche.
Ok. Now, to the anti hero assesment... i recently have come to realized that my "invisibility" is only in my mind. It is untrue, but a thing I believed fully. I danced in the spotlight like no one was watching because I thought that no one was. I was wrong. I was thinking about God, and thought surely I meant absolutely nothing to him.
It was funny and that is why I remember it at all, but one day in a class a woman told how her husband claimed that she had been so blessed from her association with him, when she knew that actually He had received many of his so called blessings through her. Her delivery was what made it so funny, sorry I cannot relive it for you.

Oh, oh, an unrelated note. For years, I watched and loved a video where a dude mightily proclaims, "I cannot recall what I said...", and it makes me laugh, not because he is forgetful, but that surely would be funny for an actor to forget his lines in such and important soliloquy, but it is translated to mean that he cannot take back what he said. Ok, just had to share that...

I was thinking how much that was like me, saying and doing "the right thing, and he,means nothing to you and you don't know why.." sorry, um where was I? So, I am so unbelieving my significance that I say and do significant things. It is like God knew my reluctant nature and used it as a heroic tool.

Oh, my headache is gone, better fall asleep while I can!

Shiney toy, idol, whatever you want to call it

I was thinking about how we fail to recognize obvious things because they are not new. There is a lyric that makes me think a whole lot about it. "..for it is the drum of drum, It is the sound of sounds." It automatically conjures up ideas of gravity. It existed long before Newton documented it. Such things are, scientifically noted not by their doings as much as by their abscence. For instance we do not even notice how gravity effects everything around us, but if it was gone we would instantly want that force that held us together, etc.

I was thinking alot as well how very spiritual people claim that they never had a testimony if it is defined the way new converts recognize truth, because truth was a thing they always had, recognizing it is a bit harder. I relate this to being beautiful. I have been onlivious to it because I was blessed to be so extremely beautiful. Now, I do not say this out of vanity or pride, but out of a need to share a truth, I realized largely because it was taken. I knew that something was missing, and I "...tried so hard to put back the light in my eyes..."

This morning, I was continuing my search for beauty and I realized the main reason beauty was alluding me no matter how I searched... I was so upset when others made comments to me about beauty, and I still did not even know what it was. Ah, hah! Beauty is what I am and was and that is why I did not recognize it, until I was blessed with a central nervous infection that stripped away everything I thought identified me.

The truly most profound thing happened as I was driving to the temple in my car by myself, a song played: "I Love You like a Love Song", and it was not the temple, but I was sure this was a Heavenly communication, whereas typically, I discredit anything I learn from music. I typically always am inspired by music, but that is why I always go to the temple. It is because no unclean thing can enter and so, it is sure that any insight I gain there will be from a good source. But, years ago a girl told me that she particularly loved my comment about to standing in Holy Places and thought I was on to something. I was sure that somehow my van had become a holy place, and I figure it is because I was there alone, and scientifically, if it was a holy place, and it was just me. I had to be acceptable the way I was.

My kids are asking to go somewhere I cannot focus anymore...maybe later, I'm not done.

Who, where, what... does it actually matter

I hateto be a cynic, but I am sometimes. Just today I was thinking about the big questions that are usually answered by religion, philosophy or science. Just as I was thinking about how much new DNA disvoveries shook me, I thought well, duh, if I believed the book of Mormon in the first place then I believed that the Lamanites and Nephites were brothers. They must have had their DNA altered at some point in order to believe that the Lamanites had been "marked", so what sort of peace of mind would I ever find in scoence anyway. I knew God lived and where I came from and why I was here even. It is almost too wonderful sometimes, and I feel so bad.

Fastforward to another thought.

I am very sad to know that I am not sealed to my children and although I have been sealed I might not be with any of my children after death, but I simply cannot think about that. It is pointless, they will be sealed to spouses and have children, and will not have extra thoughts for me anyhow. My time ishere and now to be everything for them.

I was saddened to think of my little sister's heartbreak, but really, I wondered what she believes anyway. And I thought, well, if that is the sort of guy he is, it is better to find out now anyhow. I have been unhappily married to a guy who speaks intimately evety chance he can to other girls and has never once told me that he appreciates anything about me, and when I was pregnant, I found tons of pornpgraphic crap on his pc, and since then he has admitted that it is an ever present issue, man, I sure wish I had known that and maybe been heart broken for a while instead of committed to a failed relationship because I love the children and want to be with them. Seriously, I would much rathar have a vandaid ripped off than causing a dull ache over a long period of time.... but really, so what? I mean what keeps me here? If I have no claim on the children after death anyway then what? I could live happily on my own and raise them, there would be no need to follow a dogma that did not explain things in a way I wanted.

Fact is, it all is true, and Things will al work out Nothing is impossible.

7th chapter.

Left over thoughts

Tomorrow is Gavin's birthday!!! He will be a teenager.

I was looking up the strange name on the credits of a show. The location something or other was Donovan Terranova. I thought, "hmmmm what a cool name, wonder if it is a pen name or some other self-imposed moniker, so I was looking him up, and sure enough, the name is somewhat legit, but my research was interrupted by the introduction of Jason O'Marra (sp?) which casused a mini freak out, I was JUST  looking up Terra Nova and lamenting that it no longer continued, so I would probably watch reruns, and I was looking up episodes on line, when I remembered that it was thursday and I had not yet seen the new episode of the 100. I watched it and kept marveling how maybe I wasn't that decrepit, Paige Turco and Henry Ian Cusak were still acting, and they had to be older than me!

I fell asleep and then did not use my phone for a long time (probably not as long as it seemed...relatively) because my former search was still on the phone, and how odd! Jason O'Marra had been married to Paige Turco. They got married about the time Gavin was created. So, it oddly led me back to consider my miracle child, who at that very moment was messaging me!! I like to record strange happenings like this, but had never gotten around to doing so.

Not me

First, Imagine the saddest a man can be, now extract that feeling and keep it so you may empathize with the manner in which I write this.

Not me.

Personally, I resolved such. I was aware of warnings against being tried  and more than likely failing, but I swept such warning aside because I am an exception. there really are such things, you know. Anyhow, I decided of all things I might ever do, I would never do this thing, that I do not even recall a struggle when the temptation beset me, it did not even feel like a temptation. I did not even feel remorse like I had been expecting if I disappointed myself. but, this is not even the thing that causes me so much sadness. I have no doubt whatsoever that I may be forgiven, if Adam could be forgiven for partaking a fruit which he said he would never eat, I can be forgiven for what seems to be a tiny refraction. My sorrow comes because of others who must be given a choice and who claimed those words.

Never. Not me.

I am sad because I do not even know what can be done to rescue one who does not need saving. I can understand how it can happen, even partially empathize. It is because I do understand that I am so sad. It is like Esau trading a mess of pottage for a birthright which hardly seems defendable at such a time. But, if Enos prayed day and night for his brethren and they all end up destroyed, what could I ever do? The fact that I am asking is an active step towards seeking what I can do.

Not me, maybe you.

I loved a video about a Robert Mason a family friend of Wilford Woodruff who never was able to taste the "fruit of the gospel" although he helped prepare the way. The story of Moses comes to mind to, how he led the children of Israel to the promised land, but was never, himself to enter it. I suppose Enos prayer may be similarly answered, though latter-day happenings. but,I still feel sad for the generations that passed away completely lost though the people may be one day restored.

I have been given a mantle and it saddens me. when Christ came the first time, triumphantly to Jerusalem, his friends asked if it was good that he be lauded that way, it might lead to death if he upset the "powers" that had control. Jesus explained that if the people were not allowed to shout and praise him then the rocks would, because it had been foretold as such. certain things must happen, I suppose the apostasy upsets me, too as does the Savior's departure from his beloved people, but these things NEEDED to happen, and we are not left comfortless, right? We were given the gift of the Holy Ghost as a companion, and are able to do temple work for any who lived during times of apostasy. Still, I merely acknowledge that I wish such things never needed restitution, and such mantle never needed to be filled.

Time to go make lunch...

Nothing is impossible, but that's what I do all of the time.

How rediculous

Ever have a moment of self-realization that causes you to see yourself in a less-favorable light? It is 3:24 and I was reading things on facebook because I wanted to fibd sonething stimulating to read. I started reading before midnight. I usually am waking up for the day about now, and frankly, I do not feel sleepy in the least.

I like to think I am awake solving the world's troubles, but My persuits were far less noble. I was looking to fall asleep, but I knew full-well that what I would read would prod me on to more in a sort of addictive cycle. I even say, to whom, I know not, that I am looking foe interesting things to read, but when I do they cause,me insomnia, which is the very thing I originally sought to end, right?

Oh! Bother.

Dummies

Interesting word, Dummies, it is one that cannot be literally translated, but applies to someone who is yet ignorant of many things, it is used as the term "lay man" or "greenie" or "noob" would be.

My thought this morning was about a combination my brain did that one might not necessarily group together as it is less obvious seeming, to me. I was thinking about those "for dummies" series of books and in particular how Tal Bachman expressed his genius, which he tends to hide, but it never goes away. Genius is as genius does or something like that... Anyhow I was hearing Moroni speak to the Lamanites much the way one would speak to a dummy. And that was when it dawned on me that the whole Book of Mormon was written as a how to book for dummies. Assuming you do not know anything about how to use the gospel, it does not assume you do, but presents everything undeniably and plainly, like how to be forgiven and be baptized and then take the sacrament. The particular part I was listening to was explaining things simply to the peoples who were out to kill him because he figured one day they might want to know.

Now, I am done, but wanted to touch on one subject that pricked my attention. Moroni teaches the way to judge, and I love it! it is soooo Plain: If it does good, then it is good, if it does bad then it is bad. Simple, huh? But, so often I hear "Judge not", so why would we need to know how to judge?

I can answer that plainly, too.

This life is about Keeping a freedom we have recieved. And that is why we call our ability to make choices "free agency". We are free to choose/judge (more instructions from the ultimate "..for dummies" book).

Where love is

"Where love is, there God is also..."

Because God can be everywhere at once, we as humans, assume for God to be present, He must be in our heart, but I still wonder as I always have. I even wrote a song a long time ago, "Does God never walk upon this earth that he created? Does he not, once in a while, walk upon the sea shore..." but, I also recall that to be in the prescence of God we must be transfigured, but we can have God a.k.a love in our hearts?

I wondered before if God ever peeks at twitter or has a facebook page. Well, "God is in his holy temples..." I always brlieved that literally. After all it was approved by the first presidency, so it is,true... hey, wait, Brigham Young's biggest fear was that we would start to rely on our leaders for truth too much, and believe a thing simply because they said it. I had a bishop give me cousel once, that I prayed about and did not get the same answer...it happens. As this situation unfolded, ends up he was released about a week or so later, and I think he Knew it all already, and subsequently has left the church. But, I still think a lot about how I believed whole-heartedly that if I went to the temple I would see God. There were not so many of them, and they were nearly the only place on earth He actually could dwell, well or mountains which seem synonymous with temples. I recall a testimony of Peggy Roach who also expressed a sinilar disappointment. But, this morning, I do not recall what lead me to think it, but I thought,"hmm, wonder if we would even recognize Jesus if he was with us." President Nelson gave a talk about how much love the apostles had for one another, it was nearly tangible...uh, what if it was tangible. Is a resurrected body so visibly different?

Terrible Twos

Supposedly, children exhibit irrational, unsettling behavior when they are two, this was not the case with my children, if I could remame it, that eould be selfish, expecting everything to bend to my experience. I merely want to note that for my children their streak of independence did not surface until they were three. We had terrible, terribly expensive, threes

I heard several comments about how something happens to a woman at 40 where she comprehends things more clearly ie, "if you want an honest opinion ask a 40 yr old woman." I was still quite selfish only noting that I should not be. My nature had not changed one whit.

But, just now, because it was so quiet, I decided to pour my heart out in prayer. My mind filled with billions of issues and concerns I need to deal with\resolve, but I pushed them out and instead focused of my wishes for someone else and to my surprise, I even hoped for their sake that they realize their great potential, which might have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me. I ended and an sutting here astonished at how not self-centered that was.I supposed that it was a late "blooming" of that whole 40 yr old honesty because, honestly, I will tell you, things are seriously not going how I expect them to around here, but I see that as good, which is a new development. And when I need to gain Heavenly aid, I do not even seek for myself, like a good wife who learns to accept that her needs will be cared for if she focuses on others, I trust whole-heartedly that my life is taking turns for the better, although I would not have thought so previously, and others will marvel at my peace amidst so much upheaval.

Where are they?

I used to love to extreme the musical "The Garden" I would accompany myself as I sang I Can't Grow and I Am Nothing over and over. It was like they were my theme songs. At this time I happened, in my studies, upon a curious thought. "Where are all the great LDS entertainers"? It stood to reason that such fantastic seeds of thought, etc would produce the finest fruit. My answer is that they are doing important things, like raising the future generation, and they, rightly, do not have time for such persuits, or stumbling blocks.

But, like the Berlin Wall, almost instantly things changed and man finds so much more time and what better way to influence, Huh?

Ok, now time to sythesize the two ideas. I watched what persuing a path that leaves one out there does to a man (or woman). I used to wonder why can't I grow? I thought, they are no better in any way then me when I watched sucessful entertainers. Because of things in my pb I always assumed it meant that I would end up in the limelight where I could be the best example. Ahhh! Hah! Not yet, little one, not yet! It is like drinking from the Holy grail and choosing incorrectly means death. I am upset that I do not to get to drink first, but I am getting the opportunity to learn from others mistakes so not as to repeat failures...

Quickly, I must interject a funny game we play in preschool where a mouse is hodden behind one of about 9 different colored houses. The game is "Mouse, What color is your house?" And it amazes me how very very often after maybe 13 attempts the correct color/house has not been chosen to reveal the mouse.

A friend of mine once described a thing called family or generational repentance. Don't bother looking it up, it is not really a thing. He suggested that a truth temains eternal but each generation seeks to apply it a way that is dependent on seeing how it has worked thus far.

I realize that I have not been ready to succeed and would have shared a similar fate to those who tried to follow a life that I felt like I deserved.

Trust

I put a titke of TRUST because that us what it boils down to every time my thoughts are followed to extremes before jumping ship at the last minute.

That wasn't a riddle.

Imagine you are playing something akin to hunger games. I always in any situation, try to figure a way one can perhaps ally themselves while appearing to win or loose properly, as expected, by the viewer.

Like trying to solve the riddle allowing everyone to win something. This includes the outside observer. But, the only way to allow everyone to win is by trusting eachother.

I get upset because I love movies and plays, but it is because I believe the fake things, and want to believe the things I thought were true really were. I realize they are all performed stories, the only represent a person acting sad, or happt whatever. So when they create cause and effect, I am sucked in and I take from it, a truth that never was, and it hurts a bit because I feel betrayed or tricked.

I suppose I always carry with me a notion that will not believe, but maybe unconciously, I am creating nueral pathways. For instance, yesterday night, I was watching a documentary that said a thing about discoveries at Abydos, Egypt. And I cried out that is exactly what Michael Shanks said. Although true. I meant that was a thing a fictional scientist named Daniel Jackson believed.

More about atoms...

I spend way too much time thinking about atoms, it is not healthy. Anyhow, I have never satisfactorily answered my question regarding what in an atom determines things like color, scent,  texture, etc. You know, the things that distinguish one atom from another, it is taught that they are all made of the same thing (all elements that is) but if one electron is used to make a hydrogen atom an another a helium atom, how do they end up so different assuming the electrons do not exhibit unique properties themselves.

Last night, I heard an interview where someone claimed that all creations are light, well I like to understand one thing, thereby understanding the other, but I do not even know how electrons create such different things, so the idea that a same light could creat entirely different things escapes me, too.

If you read this and understand how, please, explain it!

This is what I tell myself, anyway

So, faith can move mountains and all, but where do you want them? I think most moutains are already perfectly situated.

Faith, cannot make someone fall in love with you, right? Sorta common knowledge. We often hope for the change of a person's will, citing machievellian claims that it is for their own good.

Today, on my walk home I saw a snail and almost stopped to pick it up and move it off of the sidewalk. To help it, right? But, we claim that hardship is for our good. That did not appease me because a few feet later there was a dead worm being swarmed by feasting ants. The realist in me said, "eat or be eaten, circle of life. Those ants probably have a family depending on them." I was pleased with my choice, not because the ants,needed food, the snail was moving slowly toward the grass, I could see the glistening trail. It would simply take it a while, but due to considerations about the ant families. I thought, yeah, you know people often try to help without thinking of the consequences. I almost picked up the snail and totally frightened and disoriented him and back home somewhere his wife and kids would be patiently waiting for daddy to drag his sorry butt back home. And that is what I reminded myself as I walked on. "At least he will eventually get home. Home is a better goal than merely staying alive or finding an easier way.
But now, back to why I originally wrote this post. A man was bragging about his wife. I loved it so much! He honestly feels like he tricked her into marrying him. Soooo cute. I instantly thought "hey! Maybe you cannot force someone to love you, but you can surely somehow force them into marrying you. Where there is a will there is a way. Then, once married, the other party might somehow reach the conclusion that they wanted to marry you all along." Just a thing I was thinking to myself when I started considering lyrics of a song, although what song escapes me now, funny that.