next to something in Japanese from college

I had a roomate from Japan.

My best memory from her is how she explained the use of "Matchmakers" I guess we do too only we call it Internet Dating.

I also recall putting up litttle signs in phone booths and bathroom stalls that said "By small and simple means are great things brought to pass." I thought it was a clever way to teach people valuable lessons without them knowing it. a tad ironic, don'tcha think?


Here is the uote from my past:

No man has held me so.
For without a touch I have been tainted his.
His arms might as well have held me,
His lips might as well have
Stole my breath,

For without a spoken word he has stolen
My attention and it Cannot be replaced.

The plot thickens, to a oneday great novel

I have reason to believe that I am a pawn, but I'll still choose blindly. Plus, you know what they say about pawns and kings.

I have proof below that such stories are good for the soul, and I am becoming such a story that will one day be told, though not nearly as spectacular as when it was lived and endured.

I'm being helped currently by someone who has my best interest in mind.

I'm being helped currently by someone who has my best interest in mind.

Music

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=632292

Wuthering Heights, I'm confused!

REM? no.... ah hah!

Hope scholarship & More

Today on the way to Nashville there was a guy making a brilliant point about stupid people remaining stupid andwasting tax payers dollars and If he had the power he would change th way thing are done in favor of older good prospects. Then, there were talkin about the billions of dollars in unredeemed gift cards every Christmas.





Brandall introduced me to The wonderful voice of Haley Westenra.

my daily thought

Today is Christmas I should have an equally wonderful thought to paralell this day. I did remember a day very plainly Last year I think. I know it was new years eve at least, when I was completely overcome by a feeling it was almost like the old days when I wasn't afraid to open myself to the outpour of inspiration. the thought entered my mind with determine force that all I could do was try to understand it enough to recall that I was not alone and if things looked bad to cheerup because sometimes other people want contrary thing like littlr children who ask for no rain so they can play and a farmer asks for rain becaue his crops need it. Well, an accompanied voice said, barely laudible, "You;re not alone" I knew that even though I was crying huge drops of tears, they would end, and I would end upan answer to someone's prayer, but mine was getting in the way. I knew then that I was to get divorced and that though I loved Brandall so deeply, He did not love me as much, only he found me attractive and wealthy, good for him! but now, I'm ugly and disabled and poor, too. so now I know that if anyone loves me they are going to appreciate the constant part. I expect that I will be attractive again, but my intellecthas ben sorely neglected. I had been so busy that I nearly forgot about it.

My spirit neeeds to be nourished and loved, too. It forms the visual, physical me anyway. Nicholas helped me understand that by bannish words that will harm or maime mefrom my dictionary. I will survive and recover. I believe that it was inspirtion that made me who I am and I'll trust it in the future to make me content. Plus, it is a bit like the lyrics of my song "angel" "did you see an angel did he tell you what you must do" to me, I get so upset that the lamanites and lemuelites were given revelation but still doubted. I don't want to be accused of that. I will heed promptings so that I can deerve more, and find delight in nuturing that talent as I used to in my earlier days, not that I consider myself old, but I am someones mother.

1990's poetry unearthed

-pre- 1990 -
1)What is beauty to the blind?
When they seek what do they find?
Perhaps it is an inward quest
To seek the good and find the best.

2) She lies within her mind.
He echoes in his heart
The words they couldn't find
And so they drift apart.

Amidst Depression Oct. 4, 1995
I'm sorry. I don't want to throw any of my troubles on you. I try hard
not to. I despise the self I have become and such dribbling would be
repulsive to me.I understand the fault of my condition and there is no
excuse for my behavior.I don't want to sit and watch my life and
potential float by. I'm chained down. I reach up and grab but, I
can't reach. I can't catch it. The farther it moves away the quicker
it leaves...

The only constant of hope is that I love Jesus Christ, and I do it
well. But, even he would be sickened by my despondency. But, time is
moving forward and I'm not. I've dreamt 20 years of my life away with
foolish delusions. I am ambitious BUT (squiggle, squiggle)
Tears fill my eyes And cover my face
My heart runs like a madman looking for
one last Thread of sanity.
But, doing so only unravels my hopes,
My life of Vanity
Shattered.
No beautiful reflection
Only crude truth.
Even my pen wants to drop and signal, "Give it up!"




Sept 25, 1995

I love him perpetually,
But what makes me love him
Scares me to silence.
So intently, he muses himself
with the present
So fully he believes
in the moment
That I wonder when I might slip
into the past.

Anyway I could not loose
for he looks upon me Favorably
And my heart might deceive my intentions
But It will never deny what ought to be.



Each love has a symbol
that casts a looming memory for good or ill.
If ever our love will fade,
So will the earth:Every bird and tree;
Every star and cloud remind me
of the death of that perfecting love.


Hegel's eternal spirals
speak truth to the hungered soul.
There is no purpose in reason
beyond the truth, unrefracted
light uniting all colors
leaving darkness to itself.
Leave me not
in the shadow.
Eclipse not this heart,
lift me ever gently
turn upon turn.
Might I ever find myself
forever higher, and
Never stripped, the screw
with which I ascend.

Sept. 27, 1995
Weary of Blasphemy
The hand of justice turns its palm.
No longer suspended it falls
upon those deserving
execution of irrevocable laws.
Ignorance never saved a soul
A thirsty man won't forget to drink.
Even so, some grow faint
and die for lack of drink.
All the way, waited upon
By willing, serving hands
It would make no sense
To drown him in doctrine.
It will grow too late.


Will Einstein suggest the lack of limits?


December 1994
Is it possible to fall in love with a memory?
I say it is.
But, not so common is this sort of love.
My memory his
I am driven
Wholly smitten...
How could I have been so blind?
And yet I fear again
To protect my conscious mind
I for nothing endure the present pain.

He and I are one
Even after lives apart
And faces none too common.
We have substance in heart
and mind extending to
our souls and all capacity of being.

A seed grew in harmonious duplicity.
tis natures play
How fruit of one branch
can fall so far away.
man, from the ground doth
Snatch.
And forceth them together
"in a poisonous cider", unless
They submit Themselves
Forever,
For their Creator's success.




Ah! to steal his heat!
And then to steal away.
The later is the trick
For, if his heart is so easily removed
Danger is never too far away.




To be a heroine
I could love who I please
And after all They will return it
Unconditionally.


Looking at you,
I see forever
So I look away...
I'm not accustomed
to a one-way mirror.
With you my reflection
is Absorbed.
My appearance fades
Leaving a naked soul.
To share a thought
Brings a coy Smile
Don't, I beg strip me
Of my thoughts, for my emotions
Find shelter there
Your frown I could not bear.


I do love him.
His hands
I love his hands!
His neck
I remember all too well!
His mind
Made to search.
His Music
I love his music
His laugh
A wonderful ride
His style
To adore from afar.
And his arms want to embrace me.
And hold me close to His chest
With one of those hands on my back,
And one on my neck
His eyes
to gase into
God, I do love him.

okay done!

My presents are wrapped and clothes cleaned amd folded. and haven't really thought but one keep jumping front and center asking to be shared. I'm going to take care of it before I go back to my chores. I was thinking how before I didn't give a fip what m family thought about anything. I still don't really, by that I mean that I will choose what I choose even if my family doesn't agree, but I want them to agree. Situation has taught me that they know what is best for me even if I don't. I want them to know who I like. I just don't tell them much of anything because to me it is personal, they will know if anything involves them.

ok, now my little jumping thought was that I really shouldn't censor myself because someone might read it. That is the beauty of Blogs, to be rediculously honest and no respecter of audience. Plus, many of the things I wrote in my journals are now profound to me, which was never intended, and many things were said to me that at the time I thought beautiful, but now I am mature enough to understand. Audience doesn't really matter. The meaning will be taken as is it read regardless of how it was meant originally. Sort of like songs that I wrote for Jim or Brandall, but clearly they aren't for either of them. My spirit whispers things that I don't even write, those things must be protected. Those are the main reason I love music so much. Such will be the case with my journal, there I said it.

Now I can think, and rest.

take some time?

I really don't like to tke time. I guess cause I always get these images of robbing someone thanks to studying "Rubato" In theory or having a memorable, yet eccentric musicology professor. I'll try to steer clear of remembering Luly or the Golliard, ot for that matter beethoven's immortal beloved or the writtings of Dahlhaus.

I remember for Ken's French horn recital on Haloween I dressed in a powdered wig and hoop dress, calling myself "Lelio" Beethoven's immortal beloved, I am definately immortal, though not an elf. I am of royal descent but not of Isildoor, or what not.

anyway, wanted to take some time before I write more here. a friend pointed out that you never know who will read it. I think it has been my ally (ignorance that is), but now that I have to be careful. I will probably go back to filling up my journlals instead of using the internet. I know that at least I cannot loose my journals. I love clean paper in a book. there is just a feeling about it. *sigh* ok, give me a pen, I'm ready.

I found another book yesterday that wasn't a book that I wrote for my children or for anyone but me, still I sent a bunch of the poetry to Peter Pan, because he knows everything about me, no need to have secrets from him. I keep secrets really well, though. He stll doesn't know one of my biggest secrets, even though I talk about it all the time. I figure if he is wise enough I won't have to say a word. I also have never told anyone about why I think Jim is trying so hard to be friendly to me. Secrets are powerful... mwaaaa haaa! :P as LeAnne would say "Smith's don't spit" Well, I'm no Smith, so I can spit, But Peter Pan tells me not to stick out my tongue unles I plan to use it. hmmmm don't have a comeback for that yet, guess I would just lick him. but from here I can safely say that. oh, who am I kidding. I'm not shy. or reserved or polite, really. ok, that stinks I am aware of the amount of Selfishness that will require my attention and conquering. I want to be respected and revered, not a laughing stock.

I don't think I've ever mentioned on here that I had planned to attend the Univerity of Texas at Dallas majoring in Neuroscience, the next day David called and said that he moved to Plano, so quickly I Txt messsaged my Friend in Nashville, who I was going to meet up with, mostly for a change of thought, then he told me that he was in the process of movng to Dallas. hmmmm. so then I found Utah Boy and thought heck I don't even have to go there, I'll just toss out thoe plans and go somewhere else, and study what? I thought maybe music, I want to go to Vanderbilt for Med School though that hasn't changed. I really liked it there, and I had supercool Neurologist who performed most of my spinal taps, He was really good! Dr. Harold Moses, Jr. I regularly visited the right doctor Dr. Wright in infectious disease untill I was recovered well enough. Enough! now I'm killing Time! I have presents to wrap! and thoughts to ponder!

Very cool stuff!

more that I wanted to keep

Daniel Bedingfield

I have had this song stuck in my head forever. Not literally forever, but it was a song someone sent to me. all I really want is to be loved like that. it plays over and over in my thoughts, and left a powerful impresion on me. I would do sooo much to be with someone if they really loved m like that, but I don't know how you can tell without asking. and like I can expect any answer but what I want to hear, duh!

I am legend

"I'm not infected!" how profound it makes me overload and weep to hear it again and see that desperate mother. Consantly it is demonstrated how people love others more than themselves.

This was a great movie yet anothe Richard Matheson book translated into film. Will Smith is brilliant. I had to keep remindingmyself that it wasn't real, and even if nothing else was seen or heard just his eyes and self portrayed what was happening.

Keep your eye out for the butterfly it becomes important. It was significant to me that they showed this great hero exhibiting crasy behavior. then it was the child who was finally trusted as the voice of god by one who Thought he had it all figured out. I really liked thios film, I felt a full gamut of emotions! It was Superb!

Music video - for Brandall

my Sunday thoughts

I had to record these thoughts before they escape: in Sunday School today someone said that members of the church are figuratively walking around with bulls eyes on their back! That made me feel good. I also had an incident this morning where I was bit by an ant, and I had an allergic reaction and my tongue swelled so much that I couldn't talk. It passed, it reminded me how everything people value in this life passes. There are so many thoughts that I had before but I am really being instructed this time around.

A bit ago I was reflecting on Eve or even Martin Harris and how Satan thought that he did really good, but all his doing was taken in consideration and it is part of the plan. I get so upset because I didn't do antything wrong and my marriage fell apart, it did look like a victory for Satan, but it was known and meant to be. I should be honored that I was valiant enough to endure such a thing unshaken. I got to start over and do better, and now I realise how short and insignificant everything is.

True, I would like to be more attractive, but it will not become a stumbling block for me, and I don't want to be loved for my beauty, but foor my strength. I was most flattered today when a sister in her talk said that I reminded her of Brigham Young Who said, "If you don't want to pray, then Pray untill you do." Cool. I love Brigham Young. I bet he never hought of himself, or what a difference he would make just by saying and being himself. Wow!

What I gained most today from the study of Revelation is how insignificant so much is and how extremely vital eternal perspective is. On person commented that the Iron Rod or "Word of God" as spoken of in 1Nephi didn't save anyone. the spacious building still got them. We live in such a building where sincerity is mocked on every side and even those who tste of God's love will fall away. I cannot say that I will not, but I will say that right now I am committed to staying true to what I find to be true, I'll trust God to handle the rest and in the end the "Good" guy will win the war, even if he looses a battle or two.

I just talked on the phone. I didn't talk very well, but I expect that with time it will improve as does everthing. I just need to focus on what I can do, right now. And develop all kinds of new traits that I have the oppertunity to right now.

I think that I am just me and can be appreciated as such, I just need to find someone who will appreciate that.

Today we were encouraged to keep a gratitude journal, and magically, we will notice an improvement in our lives. hmm, I bet the improvement is our perspective.

Hmmmm....

What I wanted to do was share something that I read today, but I can't find it. Basically Today we focus on Learning, or relearning about the eternal significance of Families, not unusual in an LDS church, but we used the bible alone to support it, whichpointed out a few things that everyone finds significant about families, and it made clear that I had not done anything wrong, I just lost a little battle in the eernal war against families, it will only make me wiser.

On Saturday, in the Temple, it really miss Brandall asit always does, but a thought, totally unexpectedcame to me as I watch my parents be the witness couple. True it was usually Brandall and I and wwe acted the part better. There appeared to be a greater love for me, and I for hom than I usually see portrayed, but it dawned on me that Brandall was right in thinking that he wasjust asteeping stone, cause hewas, and it doesn't matter or seem but an instant, everyone knowsthat I would go back to Brandall in an instant, so it is a blessing that he doesn't want me, though I have no clue why not. I wasthinking of Nicholas and how I really wanted to be with him, and woldn't have to act at all. Though several people did comment and make notice of how in love we were, etc. They were probably mistaking outward appearances for reality, as was I.

The Scripture was one in Ephesians where it said that Husbands were commanded to lovetheir wives. no one madeBrandall marry me, it was no easy matter either, manylabors had to beperformed, then three children later he just dumps me. I was reassured that all it was proper for me to do is forgive, He will be held accountable for his stewardship. I really wish I could help him to see, and just erase it all, but at the same time i know things will be better for me in the future, and he will be a tiny speck of memory oneday, only now it hurts and takes forever, rightly so.

Adam Smith was Wrong!

Adam Smith wasWrong!

Peter Pan

HE lives in Utah and is my favorite person. his real name is Nicholas Jay Holden. I am still learning about him, but I like what I know. I just cannot undestand how he could remain single in Utah, land of Mormons. Maybe it is because he doesn't let others know him.

I have to pull teeth, not literally, to get information from him, but I figure that is just a lesson on men, They keep evetrhing inside their heads only to be shared with those who prove worthy, a sort of defensive silence.

But they don't mind my openess.

oh well, back to him. I obsess over him. I think about him night and day. If I ever get to be close enough to him I would never let him go. not literally again, that wouldn't be good of me. But I just would make my heart clear to him in no uncertain terms.

he is slightly older than me and sligtly taller than me oh, and heavier, but other than that we are so alike, it's crasy. I could almost have a conversation with myself I say "jinx" so much. Even today when we talked about growling at children, I thought that is too weird and unique to be common, but he gowls and laughs with children, too. strange. He has helped me conquer the idea of Brandall because I never felt this way bout Brandall. and I obviousyt would be happier with Peter Pan.
as would my children. They need to see how a wife ought to be loved and respected, not used and abused (emotionally) like Brandall did. And I want them to understand, eithout having to experience, howwonderful it is for Mommy to really be in love. That would be newto them, and not easy to acheieve. I'm picky.

Brandall convinced me that I was fat and Ugly, but Peter Pan has helped me get over it (no easy task). Now, I feel better about myself and ready to take on the world. I even explained to him that noone else matters to me now. I knew I was capable of such. I just needed direction.

How & Why...

cooties

I loved everything that I watched yesterday about cooties! I loved the "Heart" videos as well as Richard Marx, Rick springfield and a long stop on "The Smiths" wow! I love johnny marr and morrissey. I saw Morrissey in concert in eattle but was disappointed.

My husband's good friend talked to and met Johnny Marr in Nashville, Lucky!

Dreams?

I think it might seem useless but Lehi's dreams have been heeded and shared in written format for ages, and have significant meaning. I have been taught that my dreams are meaningless, but If I am going to disregard other teachings why not disregard that and try to figure out, in my own way why to my last two dreams.

I made my daughters a dream pillow and believed that if I told them the dreams would come true then for them, as children with uneducated great faith, it just might. My oldest child got mad. She said she dreamed of flying but has tried and cannot. I was perplexed, maybe everyone is right because they tried it before, hmmm. Well, I told her just to enjoy it in her dreams. Maybe she inhrited her skepticism from her father. He always denied full resposibility for his dreams. So we decided that they were just an opportunity for our spirits to act out our thoughts unhindered by mortal laws. hmmm...

Ok, so I had used my dreams to access my brain, in history (westen Civ.) I would not have suficient time to study, so I would glance at each page of my notes putting it in my memory somewhere, then call it up later during sleep to study. I knew nothing was lost, it was all in there somewhere.

But my two latest dreams have been extrapolated events how I must've imagined them, and I had to make sure they were not true because they were so vivid. This morning I woke up so mad I was even giving thought to a response, until I concluded that it was a dream.

In my second drean I recieved an email in response to something I had said while masking my identity. I figure it was just a fear of being discovered, no biggie. but it was so nasty and snide. It said, " I never met you in Dallas. " and " I don't know why you think that you have anything to even think that I would be slightly curious to read. Go away!" My resoponse would have been that it is all so rediculous, I have never even claimed to be important nor thought it. I have also never even implied to have met is Dallas. I have only been there on lay-overs for flights, but I had dreamt that I was in a strange sort of public place with an old friend of mine from college who now lives in Dallas. It was very surreal, I was glad it wasn't real. I was not acting like myself. I thought of my daughter, surely there must be something that I, like Cinderella or Barbie, could enjoy about dreaming.

I bet what I felt was similar to those dreams people share of being Naked in public. I bet they are glad that they only dreamed it and didn't do it, but I think it is something they, though not aware, had thought of and placed the idea, comeon, let's be completely honest here, Everyone knows that you have thoughts that you think are safe in your head that sneak out in your dreams and shock you.

It was only a dream, I got very nice emails, this morning as is usual, nothing to worry about ever again, unless dwelling on it in this blog brings it back again, crud!

Love letter

Jerusalem

Lightening vs. Angels

I an spending time on this thought for deep seeded personal reasons that make completely no sense.

Both are very white. I have been reading aboud Moroni and how he was described as being as whirw as lightening.

A bolt is strong electricty

The Golden Compass

What can I say. the movie says it all, and leaves you needing a sequel.


Great movie, lots of great ideas!!! if you think free will is interesting, you'll love it.

The James Bond guy is in it, too not very often, but he has amasing eyes! (yeah, I know that's spelled wrong).

Mistolar Continued

The your Preisthood leader paused, and siad, "I don't think so let me ask the other bretheren." A few minute later he returned, "My bretheren told me 'Ofcourse we have no sick.'" His explination was Simple. " There are 39 of us who hold the Melcheidik Preisthood. We watch over and bless our people."

Elder Brewerton then asked, "Do you have ant members who are less active as the rest?" The branch President replied,"Elder Brewerton, ofcourse not. We have accepted the Lord through Baptism. Weare all true SaintsTotallt active in our worship of the Lord."

That evening at the Branch meeting a sister offered a preayer that Elder Brewerton will long remember, "Father, we have lost our beautiful chapel, we have lost our clothing, we no longer have homes, we have no food to eat, We don't have materials to build anything, we have to walk 10 Kilometers to get a drink of dirty river water and don't have a bucket, but we desire to express to thee our gratitude for our good health, our happiness, andfor our church membership. Father, we want thee to know that under any conditions we will be true, strong and faithful to the covenants we made to thee when we were baptised."

THe faith and hope of the Saints touched the visitors. Elder Brewerton reported, " During the meeting we dedicated their land to the Lord. We visited each family's site and saw where they would plant their gardens when the rain would come."

Back home, he learned thatthe rains had not come as anticipated by the people. But the people of Mistolarplanted their gardens anyway, and the deep moisture from hhe floods was enough to start a crop.

Fnally the rains did come, producing a rich harvest nmore than sufficient for their need. Fishing, too exceeded the hopes of the people.

The next year the Andes were packed with snow almost twice the previous year's measure that had caused the grave flooding. Concerned, Elder Brewerton inquired about the Pilcomayo river and the Saints in Mistolar. "Don't worry." they reported, "We will not be flooded this year because our land was dedicated." twice the flood waters surged down the river and flowed over the land but receded before reaching Mistolar.

I want to say so much, but I figure that nothing I say would be as good as what you think for yourself. Just wanted to include it because it really shaped how I think about things, and it makes me a tad jealous of the simplicity of things, maybe though that is a similar reason for my trials, which truely are fit for me. Not having food or shelter wouldn't be an big deal to me, but not being able to walk or talk? That was torture, unless I think to be grateful. Divorce is the most horrible. I was in love and it was supposed to be forever!

tootsie rolls!

What can I saY? I love tootsie rolls as much as Root beer!

tootsie rolls!

What can I saY? I love tootsie rolls as much as Root beer!

Comming soon astory that will change the way you think if you let it.

On the deserts of Paraguay is the small village of Mistolar. This community is distinct: all villagers are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints.

In the early days of the church, whole congregations were sometimes converted.Willford Woodruff's prompting to preach in the south of England is one of the best known examples.of the Lord's leading a missionary to a group of people ready to receive the gospel, Similarly, Paraguayan mission president Merle Bair felt prompted to seek out Walter Flores, a native of the deserts in Chacao in Paraguay whom he saw in a TV Interview It took 3 years for the missionaries to find Flores, but once he was taught, he readily accepted the gospel. His testimony of Jesus Christ and his Church was so compelling that several hundred of his fellow Indians were converted as well.

Wanting to Gather away from the worldly influences to establish a sion community, as had the Utah pioneers, this group secured a large stretch of land in the desolate uninhabited part of Paraguay near the Pilcomayo river. For food the people planted gardens and fished. Their efforts toward becoming Self-sufficient were proving successful.

They were isolated and happy, but were at the mercy of the elements. As the snow melted in the Andes, The river overflowed its banks and flooded the small community. The residents were forced to relocate about 6 miles from the river. but the flmods cane again, this time with higher water and greater force Their tiny chapel, homes, gardens, fences - all were washed away or destroyed. They were left with only the clothes they were wearing when the floods came. For more than amonth they waded through knee deep water.

Yet, their faith remained strong.

Elder Brewerton, an Area authority was sent from Argentina to help.
Argentine leaders helped prepare supplies fo him to take to the saints in Mistolar.

The relief supplies filled two small trucks. There was a tredle sewing machine, bolts of fabric, and quatities of rice, beans, and salt. They also tucked in a copy of Gospel Principles, recently translated into Nivacle, the dialect of these indian people.

From Argentina to Mistolar in Paraguay was a hard two-day trip. The first day the company made good time, traveling nearly three hudred miles.on a good road, and arrived in filadelfia, Paraguay after seven hours. The next daym they traveled a heavily rutted, sun-baked route. They spent more than nine hours goig little more than half the distance traveled the day before. Had there been the slightest rain, the uneven road would have quickly become muddy and impassable.

Elder Brewerton described what they found when they arrived at the village of Mistolar.

"We were watmly welcomed by mostly women and children. I asked where some of the men were and was told they were hunting, the sisters said 'Anything.' "Some of the men had walked the twelve-mile round trip to the river to fish.

The settlement's surviving livestock were three sheep, a few chickens and goats,and a scrawny dog. That they had little nourishing food or clothing made the 20-degree winter weather of June that much colder. At nightm their stick-and-reed homes offered little protection from freeing temperatures.

Their situation was bleak, but smiling villagers greeted the relief team. they had faced severe hardshops for months, but continued in faith and with no complaints.

That aftenoon they slaughtered oneof their sheep tpo providetheir guests with a suitable meal. Said Elder Brewerton, " We ate sparingly of the meat, knowing hey would use anything we left."

Sympathetic to the Circumstances of the people And concious to the fact that the Nivacle Indians are particlarly susceptible to disease and early death, Elder Brewerton asked the young president of the Mistolar branch, "Do you have any sick among your members?"

this is the frst half of the reason I have less faith in Doctors and their medicine. The true power over body is in intellegence. maaaawaaaa! by the power invested in greyskull, I have the power!

food, again...

Does all the satisfaction of eating come in the tasting? hmmmm... I do drink alot of flavored water. and I only thought of it because I was swallowing my food instead of tasting it. It's sort of like getting a consequence without enjoying the choice.

I need to take a break.

Freedom - new lyrics

I sit here in my room wondering what to say
Not knowing all the things, or places or the day.
But, somehow we will be together it is plain to see.
That I was meant for you and you were meant for me.

Something so imposibile, It cannot be true.
Still I try to thinkof it. I always think of you.
I've wondered at coincidence never giving much thought
to the power behind it all pointing the best it can
to you and how we had to fall to be free.

The unspoken language speaks to you for me.
Nothing at face value is meant for you to see.
Your music has a power, your spirit has a voice.
We are given chances here and there every one a choice.

It still seems so wrong to me even so I hope.
crueler thing have come to pass, untill then I can cope.
I've wondered at coincidence never giving much thought
to the power behind it all pointing the best it can
to you and how we had to fall to be free.

two thoughts: Hiro found out he didn't need the sword any more, maybe I don't need a muse?

Rhyming isn't rediculous it is applyinf form to your thoughts, just like talking in words only harder. repect rhymes,dont just poo poo them.

Cosmic Fate

My best friend in college used to talk about that alot. I adored Matt Smith, Why did I stupidly toss him aside to chase "gay boy" Brian, that was foolish.

Cosmic Fate

My best friend in college used to talk about that alot. I adored Matt Smith, Why did I stupidly toss him aside to chase "gay boy" Brian, that was foolish. but admittedly Brian could ply piano better and was Drum Major. how was I to know that we both shared a love of neckties on men? for the same reasons.

anyway, I was upset that popular view has become istorted, but it s a good thing. because It was th way I naturally was, not as fat or shhh! "ugly" as real women, like in the dove commercials.

I was lucky to always be n the Desire as far as popular opinion, or rather slightly ahead of it, until I got married, but then it became popular,too also to have babies and now divorce. I cannot applaude it, just note that as reiculousas it has been it always fit me perfectly, so now ir has to be an ill mid-thirties woman with many unrequited passions and slightly bigger. I have noticed that sises are getting larger and it s easier to find shoes now, no more sie 4 or 0's for me, I'm a woman now! I will be able to shop in the woman's section now. unfortunately I am a Medium so my small cuteclothesdon't fit right, urgh!

But I'm glad to be a tall, slender girl, even if I am divorced, at least it is known that it wasn't my fault and I am notgoing to be responsible for starting or encouraging the war against families. on the contrary. I will just have to start a new one. I won't claim no big loss, but sacrifice is needed for any blessing. I know its true.

I'vealways said that wewill be required to give up what we desire most.Thinking of numerous examples in scripture and history. nothing is really lost nyway. i'll be fine in time.

How we think...

Nick told me to remove a word from my vocabulary. I think h has my best interest in mind, so I will oblige. further I believe that whatever we put into our heads forms physically who we become. Note: I must remember to call him Peter Pan, not Nicholas. it suits him better.

I got to thinking about how much I love to watch Youtube and write blogs, and obviosly I'm not alone in that. I must be part of something greater. Are all of my choices formed from what I subject myself to? or is that just Nature vs. Nurture revisited? hmmmm...

I know that people like to know how I think about things, that's why I love books too. I love to read about how others think. I found a really good video where someone details their experience while writting an e-mail. How cool is that? Why do I love it so much? I don't know but I'm going to scientifically prove that by removing the word "ugly" from my vocabulary how I truly become lovlier. I hope it works. then I'll have to patiently give thinking about being a millionare a shot.

Remember that guy on "Lady in the Water", that M. Night Shamalan movie, who scientifically showed what weightlifting could do by using one-half of his body as the control. Iused to wonder if that was done for or by the movie or if that was really the way the guy was.

The Gordon dillema

I have a serious unexpected problem with my 6yr old daughter. I thought I would read the kids (misplaced object alert! I didn't read the kids. I read a book TO the kids) a cool pop-up jungle book for a bed time story, using silly voices for all the animals, Everything was cool, utill I got to Gordon the Giraffe. My daughter asked me to use my regular voice because she couldn't understand him.

So, I did, then she said, working on reading/phonetics, that I said Gordon wrong, "It's jordan" it starts with a G like Giraffe. It was totally unexpected, so I turned the page and went on, later I wrote out the words "Go, Good, Gorgon" etc, and asked her to say them, as soon as ahe said "go" I said "ah, hah!" see? the G sound is Gah not Juh. she asked then why do we say "jordon". I told her that "jordan" is another name that starts with "J" she asked "like jackie or Jump" I said exactly! she is so smart! then She said and Jiraffe? oh crap! I wanted to explain that for every rule there are exceptions. But I was tired and unsure if she was ready for that. I certainly didn't want her thinking she could use that as an excuse to break rules. So I just had them say a prayer and let it slide till I could figure out what to do.

How on earth did I learn that the word Giraffe is said like that? Another word like that that used to drive me crasy was the word "onvelope" it os said "En velope" like it is spelled I would stammer. I tried to tell my best friend that it was just french or something, cause americans say "End" "Exit" "Enterprise" "Endeavor" and "Envelope". ooooh!

The worst is my children are turning one sylable words into lots of sylables. But obviously when you see that word it sounds a certain way. For instance "Do you have a Heeeaaahdache, mommy?" And they pronounce i's llike ah's I noticed that when they count 5's or 9's. Lena can comprehend it. I don't mind them trying to fit in, but they must learn how to properly talk or count, like I talk and count. I don't care if they use "tennesee" talk at school, but not at home, I can't remember the word for it, but it comes in handy to be able to change your dialects to fit the people you're around. WE also first learned rules then tibre in madrigals. and in Composition first you have to learn a whole lot ofrules in theory before you can break them.

A while ago I talked to a guy from Quebec, eh? I loved to try to get him to say "sorry" pronounced "Suhrry" It is so cute!

ah well any ideas on how to teach Gordon? I thought about reteaching sounds by phonetics, but I don't want to undermine what the teacher is doing.

Movies I want to see:

City of Angels
I can't think of any others right now.

I really liked Contact, Meet Joe Black, and Phantom of the OPera Though, so I have been tlold to watch The City of Angels, but I don't even know what is about, but I loved "you've got mail" and Sleepless in Seattle so I think I would like it jus because Meg Ryan is in it. But Tom Hanks isn't. Oh I really loved Cast Away, too. and I liked Terminal.

Mom is going to the doctor, poor dear, perhaps I can use this time to figure out my life, with out giving it away.

I really want to see August rush, too.

Some of my Songs

I intende to write more, but here are few for now:





cick, hear

.

what men want...verry good!

Turducken Tribute

Be prepared to cry!

Online love

I thouht it was a good thing ssuming the body is only a vessel for the You that lasts and is constant, but I met a few guy that I didn't like, but kept on trying. eventually I met my husband, who got sealed to me then divorced me. so my theory now is that those other guys probably would've been ideal, but you get what you are looking for. I was originally just looking for attraction, and I found it, but it took way too long. If I just wanted a cute guy to divorce me I didn't have to go to such lengths. but I had this idea that I wpuld meet my husband online so I stuck to it.

Now it is becomming a scary place, I'll probably leave if I can. anyway here some other opinions:

Battles

Sometimes we loose a battle, but win the war.

Arguments are that way. we cannot knoweverything or always be right. It is enough to know we are repreenting a view point.

Homecoming queen

I wasupset because I was nominated but didn't win, Then my little sister was Walnut's homecomming, and I thought,"thank heaven for unrealised dreams" I know now that it is no advantage. shealso Became a star in a Rock band and won 500 Dollars in a bikini contest, but I'm happy that I didn't choose that path, I have learned alot by watching her.

She told me that I could do all of that, too if I just stopped being such a hypocrite and quit going to church and bein so foolish to trust in thngs that I cannot even understand. But I know that those things have and will help me. Idon't believe them because I need to, or as a saftey blanket so I can be happy and feel like I belong.

I just need them because I need something true that won't change to trust and build on. Popular opinion won't be so nice when she gets older so I hope that she really enjoys the here and now. that is what I think about Brandall, too. I think of Blaise Plascal, and his little matrix sieve. I think forever is too long to waste this life because you don't want to trust, unless you really get something out of it,all Lacy gets is High, drunk, and recognition. nothing that I want. I want to be really Loved.

Now I know that those things don't bring love, so I don't really care if I'm never as beautiful as I can be. I want to be so good that people know it undeniably. I want to radiate and be so confident that people love me for who I am, I thinkthat might be a little of the Adam durit showing through.

Well, I grew up and figured out that the idea that "When you're famous everyone loves you" is wrong. It just messes you up, and I don't think that I am strong enough to take that kind of chance. Even with my simple and sheltered life I run into trials. I shuddder to think of what would happen if I got everything that I thought that I wanted. iT sounds silly, but I think being eadly ill is better than suceeding at what i wanted, now I couldn't be famous even if I wanted to. I used to be in love with Adam Durit, but even Jennifer Anniston said that he wsn't that good of a catch. I think that I love Kevin Montgomery, because hewrites such good songs and looks like the guy in "The Illusionist" I really like his success, but it is good that I don't get everything I think that I want, because the past has taught me that my wishes were not going to make me happy in the long run. That is what I really want.

I am glad that my sister got to follow her dreams. they were mine, too. It is so funny when she was little shealways said, "I'm going to be just like you." now, she hasbeen my example. I never thought much of how important being a good example was. Now I want it back, I will be stronger, better, more improved, so I can show my little sisters and daughters how to behave.

Though I never was a homecoming queen.

eating

It is really worth thinking about.

If you ever get really sick you really think about it. and I recall that I vowed that If I ever could eat again, I would. I do.

We get all frantic about gas prices, We all know our cars need gas, but our bodies need food just as badly. I have been confused about the biology of the brain, I know it needs blood or oxygen, but how does it make energy? I guess I'll save that thought for another day, the one about if we transplanted our brain would the body be ours, or like my friend Robert asked Where are we? No really he wondered where "He" was. I got a good message from Hannah in which she clearly summed it up as our bodies are but vessels for our spirit. simple, right? hmmmmmmm... it makes me feel better about loosing physical health if I keep my spirit strong.

Anyway I think the fact that we need food teaches us alot. We like it so we stay alive. Babies are born wit the suck instinct and no one needs to teach them how to nurse. It makes mre wonder how that got started. kind of like how did Adam know to Build an alter? Those are the things that I think about, forget about belly buttons and several other pointless paradoxes. I want to focus on food.

One cool thing about living is the ability to taste. How do we taste? I wish that I knew. I haven't studied that beyond the fact that our olfactory nerve plays an important role in how things taste. but my mom can't smell, plus I've never been able to determine what part of an element/atom gives it the property of smell. Next.

I have been taught that Men have a need of sex so they are also given an extra meaure of desire to even out the consequence and make it worth it to them. So, having a body requires work, isn't that supposed to teach us something? It is a privigilidge not a right, breathing and eating are gifts, trust me on this, you don't want to learn for yourself. If we have a Spirit, too it propably needs nourishment too. It is enjoyable as eatting, and necessary.

it is important to care for our health physically, spiritually, and mentally to achieve ballance. I like the sound of that. I admire ballance alot because of my vestiblar isues. I hate falling down, though I like gravity and am glad that it dosen't depend on me.

Judgement

crud Surely I don't have to think this all again.

ok I'll try... First I want judegement but not the consequence, or at least I want to know the consequences to choose from before i make the choice.

I feel like Eve in that I have two commandments to keep that seem impossible, but she proved that they really aren't.

I quoted "Someone Elses's Story"
"I Could be making no choices whatsoever"

then rambled on about Determinism which ledme tosharing my belief in soft deterinism. I believe that someone knows the consequences but that doesn't change the fact that someone else will make the choice.

I shared the story about Peter betraing Christ and it was known, but he denied it.

I think stories unfold in our cannon of scripture to teach us great truths. shown by this story. we can see why prayer is essential. And putting our will in line we are able to make the correct choices.

Someone pointed out that I shouldn't let mother make my choices, but the fact that I do makes me think about how all of us have impared judgement. So we were given prophets who can know consequences before hand. Not make our choices because those responsibilities form us, but atleast we don't have to do things blindly.

For Example: Mormons don't drink, smoke or have premarital sex and haven't long before the world made any sense of it. Plus, that choice has already been made for me so I don't have to fret about what to do, my choice was to be baptised a good Mormon Girl. I don't have to study out or know if those things will hurt me, the prophet could see that they were bad nd so I avoid them because I believe the prophets.

Judgement

With judgement naturally follows responsibility.

I want to make choices,true. but I cannot see the consequences so I try to get advice from someone who does.

I have a greater respect for eve's choice to eat the fuit in order tomake all of the consequrnces be desireable. I endure a like problem. I found someone that I thinkthat I would be happier with, and I was commanded to be happy. but I am also leaning towards keeping promises that I already made, even though my husband doesn't love me.

I saw an outer limits episode yesterday with a similar dilemma, a woman was not loved by her husband and she had another choice, I wish I'd stayed to see the conseqeunce, but I figured that I got enough by watching the actors eyes. they telegraphed the whole thing.

Anyway, i don't have a choice in that my husband is divorcing me for no reason, but I think it is because he doesn't want to providefor me or the children, he was fine when I was ok, but when I got ill, it became too much for him. My choice is do i want to remain seled to him forever? it is a long time. enough time for him to come to his senses, or do I want to obey the commandment to be happy. I need to figure out a way to do them all.

"I could be making no choices whatsoever."

That song is in my head. but I don't believe in determinism. I believe in soft determinism. I think it isevident that certain things will happen, but the one making a choice soesn't knowthat, so they are still making a choice.

It makes me think on the story of how Peter betrayed Christ. Now it was known before hand what he would do. I bet the consequence was needed to form who he would become, but even when told what he would do he denied it. Very interestng that it would be included in our cannon of scripture it must be an example to teach us a truth.

Surprised by Joy!

No, I don't have a friend named Joy, well I do, but she didn't surprise me. I used to have a roomate named Hope. I loved to make answering machine messages that sounded bleak when Hope was gone, lol! but anyway, It is a great book I'm reading. I never read it because I figured it was just more of that "born-again" propoganda from my sister-in-law. who told my husband that she prayed that I would die so that he would come to his senses and be Saved. I came pretty close, but I guess she didn't do it right. I used to have to endure sobbing prayers at thankgiving in my behalf, too. Glad that's over, and I'm still alive.

I really liked the part where C.S.Lewis said that the thing about autobigraphies is that no matter how weird you think it is, someone says, "I know exactly where you're comming from." which is one thing I like about the internet/blogging/email. It makes me understand how not alone I am, by saying things that I think are unique to me. Today I got to share the lyrics to "Masqurade" by Tal Bachman with someone because they summed up what I was trying in a whole lot of words to say.

I loved Phoatom of the Opera and the Man with the iron mask, too. Plus I found a cool explination by Kevin montgomery on why he uses people, err the internet to achieve his success. And why he had finally resorted to "House Concerts" and "facebook".

I have to go see Amanda Tapping on Outer Limits! cool.

I am a huge T.V.mainly SCI FI & CW buff now. It really influences me, though I hate to admit it. I woke up dreaming that I was in a Stargate Atlantis Episode, better than dreaming of Eureka or Bionic Woman Though!

Theperception of children

My kids see things differently. I do't know what they see, but it somehow appears differently. For example. I made an ugly cake last year for Lena's birthday and was going tp throw it away, but she told me it was beautiful,and kept it. I also sewed some very ugly dresses for the girls to wear to curch and they always ask to wear them. I thouht they were hideous, and they became a huge source of embarrassment to me. Someone said, "I love your daughters dresses. I couldn't ever do that and I'm not handicapped." It made me fel good, but question if it is just kids or me.

I must see things differently. I remeber in Grade school everyone thought their mother was beautiful. Well, I loved my mom, but I thouht she was ugly, i still do, I dateda boy in college that everyone thouht was cute, but I thought he was fat and ugly, it didn't matter to me though so I didn't give it much thought. Then when I had children, I thought I was fat, Everyone else lookedfat too so I figured it was just a perception thing. I remember thinking one lady was vry thin, but afterI lost mt pregnancy pounds I though she looked huge

Bounderies

We live in an age where bounderies are disappearing, and the body is becomming as free as the spirit that can imagine it. We can brethe under water, live in outer space, Women can wear pants and work, Black people can vote, there are fewer limits every day, most are self-implied, anyway, the internet is tearing down limits of knowledge, we can know whatever we want in a few clicks, and we know that we aren't ever alone, someone is thinking the same way some where out there and made a website so that we could learn from their learning. It is beautiful really. But, I'm not stupid. I know that every blessing has a consequence or sacrifice.

The internet helps so many people connect, especially geneologywise. Plus, everything is made so much more instant and easy (Where is that Easy button? don't let the kids play with it). But, that means that preditors have freedom too. Pornography on the internet is much more common because of that ease. And people are less courteous, or considerate because of the reliance on the internet, it becomes easier to see how people like Frank Herbert and Issac Asimov could forsee a day when man became apethetic and reliant on technology. I can't do calculus without a computer, nor do I have a desire to learn to spell correctly. It is sad but true. Even the Media has used its great powers which offered alot of Good, too. but Global Warming? and being "Green" Comeon, how is that different than WWII propaganda? The difference in good is that it is true.

I was thinking about how I am my own worst enemy, as is comonly true, I'm not great or unusual person. A good freind of mine inadvertantly pointed that out. Lauren was talking about herself, but I paid attention when she said that she thought that she was a gift and unique. She was discouraged to see that there were so many others like her. At first I was upset to learn that I wasn't so unique, but now that idea comforts me and makes everything easier, to know that others have done it all before and succeeded. Just yesterday, infact, I got a letter that really piqued my interest it said that the writter had suffered as I have. That really grabbed my attention and it makes me desire to know more.

That reminds me of the first time I read Jane Eyre. I remember very keenly. I was in Ripley, Mississippi. I was 17 yrs old, just finished reading The Shining by Stephen King. I was in my closet reading late at night and dad finally came in and told me to go to bed, but I didn't want to. It as riveting. I just had to know what she did next. No other book stirred me like that one. I alligned myself with the heroine and felt compelled to know her story. Sure it was fiction, but I still looked for my Mr. Rochester for years. I got so mad at Anne of Avonlea for not marrying Mr. Harris! but not as angry that Jane left Mr. Rochester, now it makes sense, but at the time it upset me. i only knew that it must be the right thing or she wouldn't do it, but i so wanted her to choose love over what was right. Like I said, now I get it. I really didn't like the book, "Wide sargasso Sea" but it did give me a better perspectice as did the poem Auroua Leigh.

Now I understand the Metaphor of a bird in a cage, but those women could be free in a day like today. I know that I was lucky to have been born now when I can be free to do as I believe. It is truly an honor worth stating and fighting for.

Speaking of which. I have alot to thank in honoring all those who lived and suffered or even died that I might taste this life, I hav no point or time to feel pitty.

Thankyou for Freedom of every kind!

MY favorite Book!!!!

Another Jane Austen Favorite

You have to watch the second one alll theway to the end!

Another Jane Austen Favorite

This one is best! I keep finding Josh Groban music, hmmmm.

I'm not perfect? / Disillusionment

I decided that I need to think seriously about my list that I made for such a reason.Then I figured out that I don't need a list to tell me what I like or don't like. I can recognise it. The thing I want isn't necessarily patience, though that is part of it. it is the ability to go aftr what you want not letting any thouht or person stand in your way. I would like to see evidence in that, but mostly I would want that to be placed in me. all of my favorite stories are about men who go after a woman even though reason an various things tell them no. My favorite scene in some Jane Austin book is when a guy decides that he lovesa girl andshe is his purpose. I loved the movie Legacy because David Walker falls in love and still persues his interest even thoug she is engaged toa vey good man. I could add more stories till I grow wearry of typing, but the point is, I have thought that I found someone becuse they fit my list of qualificationsonly to realise that wasn't what I needed.

Though he's not reading this. I wanted Steve to make up his mind, and choose me, that was silly, and I turned him away because he just gave up. But finding someone is easy, I still like him, because he is so wise and perfect. but mostly I'm in love with Peter Patrelli, and vicariously I like steve, He deserves better. Brandall used to get mad at me because I talked too much about Jim, and had posters of Tal Bachman on my wall. That was rediculous, obviously not what I want, but I am willing to wait forever if he tried to please me a little. Crap, that makes me sound like a dictator. I would like for my husband to worship me, that's not crasy. He should tell me what he wants not just divorce me because after five years he figured out that I wasn't perfect. oh well, soon chuck comes on!!!!! I love it.

I honestly changed gears I don't even recall what I was saying. I was jst thinking about what would happen on chuck.

I feel Bad

I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on

Yeah
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad


Actually, I don't feel bad, I just like this song.
I hope to feel like this, but I'm not strong enough.
I still love Brandall. I think its cause I promised
to, not cause he's done anything to deserve it,
hence this song is nice.

I probably should just be strong and move on. But it
gets so tricky. I have those kids, but I know they wold be happier just to have things over, too. I wish Brandall would've not proceeded without my approval, I get upset because you can't marry somene without their consent, so you shouldn't be able to divorce without it, maybe if he explain why to me I would agree or understand, but this is just stupid!

I feel Bad

I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on

Yeah
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad


Actually, I don't feel bad, I just like this song.
I hope to feel likethis, but I'm not strong enough.
I still love Brandall. I think its cause I promised
to, not cause hhe's done anything to deserve it,
hence this song is nice.

Saterday revelation

Ok, so I'm going through a greiving process, what's next? I am tired of crying and lamenting What could've been.

I got to thinking about one of the many people getting a divorced when I was married who asked me for advice, one lady, who I decied to befriend, though I know not why, told me that shewas getting a divorce because they were nnot sexually compatible. Oh come on I thought! all men are sexually compatible with all women. but I knew that it was very serious or it woudn't cause a divorce. It stuck with me. When Brandall divorced me, I remembered it. I thought that was probably his reason, so I tried to find someone who really loved sex, but that wasn't the trouble. Every guy loves sex, not hard to find. but I am playing for something moreserious, higher odds, so to speak. I love sex, but that is just a given not determining factor in a potential husband. I look for attraction or chemistry, and realie that everting physical can be manipulated. I could look anyway I want, but I could not change who I am. I need to find someone I love, not just desire physically.

I can blame darned movies for planting that idea. It isn't true. Good men and women aren't always going to be gorgeous.

I need to eat and sleep, it is very cold out! but the sun did rise. I hoped it would!
Not much longer and I'll have my kids with me.

Tales of mere exsistance

August Rush

I haven't actually seen this yet, but I'm very excited about it. I'm very glad to now that others are thinking the same things that I do. I can't wait to see this film entirely. And see how it turns out, though, just because someone imagined it a certain way doesn't prove that things in real life work that way, but it shows that i'm not a weird freak, and lots of others think like this and want to know what happens, and alot of people are dedicated to making it happen how someone imagined.

The Role of the Brain's Chemical production during stressful situations

The brain noradrenergic system is activated by acute stress. The post-synaptic effects of norepinephrine (NE), exerted at a cellular or
neural circuit level, have been described as modulatory in nature, as NE facilitates responses evoked in target cells by both excitatory and
inhibitory afferent input. Over the past few years, we have undertaken a series of studies to understand how these cellular modulatory effects
of NE, elicited by acute stress, might translate into modulation of the behavioral–affective components of the whole-animal response to
stress. Using microdialysis, we have demonstrated that acute immobilization stress activates NE release in a number of stress-related limbic
forebrain target regions, such as the central and medial amygdala, lateral bed nucleus of the stria terminalis, medial prefrontal cortex, and
lateral septum. Using microinjections of adrenergic antagonist drugs directly into these regions, we have shown that this stress-induced release
of NE facilitates a number of anxiety-like behavioral responses that are mediated in these regions, including stress-induced reduction of openarm
exploration on the elevated plus-maze, stress-induced reduction of social interaction behavior, and activation of defensive burying
behavior by contact with an electrified probe. Dysregulation of the brain noradrenergic system may be a factor in determining vulnerability to
stress-related pathology, or in the interaction of genetic vulnerability and environmental sensitization. Compared to outbred Sprague–Dawley
rats, we have shown that the modulatory effect of NE is deficient in Wistar–Kyoto rats, which also exhibit attenuated behavioral reactivity to
acute stress, as well as increased vulnerability to stress-induced gastric ulcers and exaggerated activation of the hypothalamic–pituitary–
adrenal (HPA) stress axis. Further, repeated exposure to mild intermittent cold stress resulted in a much greater sensitization of both the brain
noradrenergic system and the HPA axis in Wistar–Kyoto rats compared to Sprague–Dawley rats. The recruitment of a robust noradrenergic
facilitatory influence following repeated cold exposure in this previously deficient strain resulted in an aberrant HPA response, which may be
illustrative of the kinds of neurobiological changes that may contribute to the development of stress-related neuropsychiatric disorders such as
depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, or other anxiety disorders in predisposed or susceptible individuals. On the other side of the same
issue, regulatory alterations in noradrenergic neurotransmission, or in the stress-modulatory functions of NE, may be important in the
behavioral effects of chronic antidepressant drug treatment. We present recent preliminary results addressing the effects of chronic treatment
with the selective NE reuptake inhibitor, desipramine, on acute behavioral reactivity to stress. A better understanding of the role of NE in
adaptive responses to acute stress, the pathological consequences of prolonged, repeated or severe stress, and the mechanisms of action of
drugs used to treat stress-related diseases, may contribute to the future development of more effective strategies for the treatment or even
prevention of such disorders.

My Children

Sarah Lena


Brooksie Lane

Gharles Gavin

Endurance?

Sound Therapy - Metatones explained

Physicists tell us that the physical body is an organized field of molecular vibrations existing within an atmosphere and universe of smaller, subatomic or quantum vibrations. Our universe of invisible quantum vibrations is referred to as the zero point field. In addition, our physical body's molecular vibratory structure has as its' substructure and foundation a smaller, quantum matrix of vibrations connected to and part of the zero point field. The common name for our human matrix of quantum vibrations is the aura. Traditional approaches to human health generally attempt to effect healing change at the molecular vibratory level. One of the numerous medical examples of attempts to effect healthy change at the molecular vibratory level is the bio-chemical effect of every prescription. Although traditional molecular approaches towards health have many effective applications, it fails to encompass the quantum vibratory matrix that is the foundation of the human being. Because of these facts, traditional medical approaches have many inherent limitations and many questions about human health and illness remain unanswered.

What you Won't Reveal

I just got this video from Brandall. He gave me a bunch of my things that were destroyed or sold when they thought I was going to die... Anyway, that's another story, I think this video would go well with the movie Beowolf.

Personally, I get tired of being accused of things because I said something in my sleep, as if I am consiously holding something back. I'm not I deny that I officially even talk in my sleep, I don't know what I say. but have recorded how in a history class after lucnh on a Tuesday, that I talked to my teacher about Rhode Island, bbut awake I never even think of Rhode Island. Likewise, in the hospital, I named all the presidents in order. I am clueless how I did such a thing. I can't now, That is another reason why I want to study the brain.

I better go finish looking up degrees in Neuroscience, I just am not sure that I want to go to Texas. I would miss my children too much, knowledge isn't worth that much. Plus, I cannot abbandon my callings. I just got set apart and told that te Lord needed me there, and that the children would love me and I then like a mother. I can't leave Mississippi, right now.

-Melissa

Desktop

I was so proud of this picture I placed it on my desktop and here for everyone to see, it took the place of my children. When I was in college I had a picture like it on my dorm room door. When girls asked me, I told them that it was a magic castle where I would be married, happy forever after. In reply I was told that I certainly wouldn't find my prince at Ole Miss. Well, I didn't. He was in Utah, but I found him later in Nashville. Not too far away.




The photo was taken by Douglas Lang a very awesome friend of mine, oh and handsome not that it matters, He's cool and taller than me! and has a definate eye for beauty.

my desktop

I was so proud of this picture I replaced my children with it on my desktop. in college it was on my dorm room door and other girl would ask hat it is. I told them it was a magical castle where I would get married and live happily ever after. They told me I would be hard pressed finding my prince at Ole Miss, I didn't.

learn guitar

Idecided that during my free time this week, I'm going to go get one of dads old guitars and learn to play it. The violin was easy when my hands worked, I should learn the theory pretty quickly, plus is would be handier than playing piano, plus Brandall got tons of attention for hiw string talent, i doubt I'll ever rival him, but I'm still young enough to learn something new, and useful.

obviously just having thoughts isn't going to impress anyone, and I am a little monkey performing tricks.

I forgot what I was going to say, but it was cute.

Beowolf

My parent's didn't like this film, my dad was having a discusion with someone about it, and I interrupted to point out that they were missing the point of the movie. I won't give it away, but they were talking about how different the real story is from what the movie is. After you see it you will know why that upset me.

I have always liked Historical fiction, but rued the fact that so many people never bother with learning the truth. Kinda like Mormonism. It is good to publicie stuff and pique interest, but then it is important to find the facts. I wrote a paper about the movie "Immortal beloved". I was really gladthat the writters weren't prone to asmany type errors as me. The film would've had whole new meaning as Beethoven's Immoral Beloved. For my Musicology class I wrote mostly about what a horrible job the movie Amadaues did to teach people about the composer. it made me want to know more and eventally study composition, but I recognied it was a good story, nothing more.

Late, I gave a speech in Oral Communications about him and shocked people with the facts, even my professor asked me if it was true. I gave her a few books as bibliography.

So, anyway, Beowolf was fiction, but it made me think alot so I gave it a thumbs up. It reminded me of my ancestors, poor souls. Mom and dad didn't like the nonsubtle references to Christ, not that they weren't subtle, but that they were obviously negative. I have always been impressed that people actually believed in the Norse gods like Thor and Odin. I read a book "Till they have faces" which was very good! it is about roman gods I think, Plus the crud, I can't remember the name of the place in Nashville that is a srine to Athena, a temple replica. It's really cool. they always havecool info in that place. I learned that they, whoever they are, had live aligators imported at the park for the worlds fai. BAD IDEA! They killed few people and were removed. What were they thinking? Maybe I should ask Dierks Bentley, huh?

oh, That was another thing. Beowolf was always making gutteral sounds like ' huh". "uh" or something. It made me wonder if it was scripted or just something the character did and they liked it. a guy at the theater said that the voice of Beowolf was a 70 Yr old guy, I'll tell you right now, it wasn't the body of a 70 Yr. old.

I am also a huge fan of anything to do with heroes or superpowers, which naturally bring God into the picture, like last night on Heroes, when Hiro had an epiphematic moment when his father was lecturing him about God's role in Fate. It was good cause I really was confused what the writters were going to do about adressing the multiple realities or timelines. After watching Stargate I wanted to become an astro physicist cause the figure out unbelievable things like in the movie "Contact". I enjoyed Beowolf, It was highly CGI'd at times it made you eel like you werewatching Shrek or something, but it's worth seeing. If you liked "Braveheart" You'll love it.

Self-Mastery

Rudyard kipling has written what i consider one of the greatest poems ever. I think it fully encompasses what it takes to master one's self and in terms I think most people can relate to. this poem is entitled "IF".

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Talk about Political correctness?