Love is the power to overcome

I just keep thinking about how humble Christs beginning was and yet how much he accomplished. I think it is a good lesson for us they even if we think ourselves too less for a thing. If we continue on in, we can literally accomplish anything.

Worthy

I have a recent episode of "the 100" in my head where the president at Mt. Weather says that if he used people unwillingly to be able to go outside he would not be worthy to do so. This idea finds application all over, like cheating to get ahead. Would you really be ahead knowing you did not honestly deserve to be there. It is how I can understand justice and a loving creator. In a book by CS Lewis he depicted the people in hell visiting others and feeling so uncomfortable in any other place than the one they belonged.

Get caught in this web

You are a product of the choices you made, so try to pinpoint the effects of turning your head one way or the other. Now, done? Who you are is a product of reading this.

The real vilans

If it has been said before, I missed it, so I feel obliged to say something, so that it can be on te record.

For the record, good has an opposite called evil, and every young child knows what is good and what is evil. Through our teen years it seems less clear, like a line drawn on a map, as we get closer it is harder to differentiate. So we need to step back, or accept guidance from someone with a better perspective.

I wanted it said that too often the bad guy or evil is easy to avoid if idenified, but what happens is we start to gain over confidence saying, "I would never do that." And we can keep the ills cemented in our minds as children, but we never even see the true vilans coming because it is usually disguised as a good thing, like diet and exercise, or beauty, or intelligence they are things we learn are good so we accept them when they are offered , but we have not been warned of the evil of overdoing it. And so many good things have the potential that once they get their foot in the door, to become addictive. We relinquish our will to a good thing which is actually the evil that will destroy us.

My son, Gavin, excitedly told me about a lesson he learned about a piece of yarn, to him it was so wonderful and made sense to the .point that he had to excitedly share it with me by wrapping it around my fingers. Sure, it was just yarn, nothing to be worried about, huh? But, as he wrapped it, combined I could not use my hand or break free and my hand was turning blue! That was his lesson, we are not trapped by obvious evil, but little by little we are eventually trapped by harmless things, I am saying Good things done outside of moderation.

Psychedelic drugs

I watched a docummentary on psychedelic drugs because I was fascinated by the premise which included Seretonin and Neurons which always fascinates me.

At first, I was thninking how this sounded like the fictional drug in the movie "Limitless" and we see how that ends, still I liked the immediate nature of drugs to control perception, and it need not be habitual. Infact, LSD is used to cure other addictions but does not cause them, and many great thinkers had been so enlightened, and then warned their neighbors.

Just when I decided a one time change of ability to percieve would be entirely safe, I also realized the same thing can be gradually achieved line upon line thus changing the person gradually and lastingly.

None of the scare tactics seemed to steer me clear of my desire to see differently, until this morning, I realized that anything that assumes control is not good. Drugs, over the counter, or illegal have dramatic effect and do for the body things it could do slowly for itself, but we do not have the time. Take labor and delivery for instance... Why did I choose to suffer "natural childbirth" when drugs were right there and offered to eliviate any pain. Perhaps, such drugs create a different sort of dependance, one that keeps is from evolving a way to cope without it. Even the weakest can endure and survive with drugs.

We always see suffering as something that does not belong and needs to be removed, while everything around us suggests that conflict and struggle, um let's call it opposition, exists for our good. Interesting word good. For example, we could not have anything good unless we had bad, so let's not drug away anything we do not like.

We do not like to be fat, so we like the idea of a "skinny pill" that will allow us the benefit without the effort. Such dependence will not last and either we will not prize being skinny as a reward for hard work, sort of like liposuction. If you look skinny, and so attract a mate, and have fat childen, now you have handed down a problem that might never existed. Likely, they will do what their parents did, securing a future for a drug to always be needed to maintain what was started.

Ok, J'ai du travallie...hay, Nicholas trabajo, etc.

Otherwise imperceptible

The kids were jumping off chairs together and kept redoing it and saying "Wow! that was high. Let's try higher!" Each time I assume they noticed a change that was higher. I did not.

It was that act that fueled the thoughts of different things that I may not perceive that others do.  I thought of that litmus paper test in high school chemistry class where we taste it and record our findings, and I tasted the most terrible thing ever, but other people tasted nothing. I figured that someone was playing a terrible trick on me  and purposely soaked my paper in some vile tasting liquid as a joke. so,  I did not write what I observed thinking it was tainted, and giving in to peer pressure, at the time I felt like I was living on the streets watching a king parade around naked refusing to say that I saw no clothing. Then, my teacher explained that because of genetic differences, though it seemed that none in our class could perceive it thus, a small group actually tasted litmus paper as a terrible taste. So, perhaps it was like the princess and the pea. I left feeling proud of my extra sensory skill.

I was thinking about how children perceive a lifetime different and distances and heights differently. For example, have you ever revisited a childhood home, school or playground and  noted how much smaller it seems? To my kids, they were getting higher, even a few centimeters would be noticed by them as significant.

Ultimately, this made me think about how we are often reminded how our own perceptions are quite different from God's. And just lately, I watched "Cosmos" where time was put into a frame that made us familiar, a calendar year. The beginning of our universe was day one of January and we were at the last day of December. It helped us see how even as adults compared to children, we think that we are the ultimate, but the minute changes might not even be perceive worthy to a greater being. And, yet we learn that God is mindful of every blade of grass even, woah! It is like how kids think our ability to know things is magical. Our supreme being seems magical in doing impossible things.

Total tangent: magicians lead us to false conclusions, by messing with flaws in our perception. I notice when I build my home in Active worlds if I move, changing my perspective, things no longer line up. When they seemed to originally. It is very frustrating to realize our perceptions are not always the best match for truth.

Taco Tuesday

Sorta like our Burrito Thursday or Pizza Friday, do not know how it came to be but it was a matter of ease and convenience for me in scheduling and it sure smells good.

Quick comparison, not too deep yet

When I went to church and chose to take the sacrament and thus profess my belief outwardly, I did not know or "feel" that it was true. But, now I know it completely, and to have based my faith off a feeling seems daft and easy to manipulate.


When I got married it was because it fit my other plans, and I never felt some tingle in my toes or anything and felt cheated cause I never have That is close to being an urban legend (like the story my dad tells of hearing angels sing and seeing lights shine down on my mom when he saw her).

Worth

I was thinking about value and some great ideas were generated.

I figure ultimatly demand plays the ultimate role cause a thing may be scarce, but if no one wants it, it is not valuable.

That is true thinking about me and how entirely rare and impossible to duplicate I am...

Focus

I know that my focus should not be explaining ideas!

Focus has many useful examples. In our education we are to chose a focus and are assigned an advisor to help us do so, because Naturally, I did not want to focus. But, my father explained that by choosing a particular area to master and come to understand at a deeper level we will be able to understand the deeper levels in other things around us.

My father will make an incredible master of a world. He is the most,amirable of men in wisdom and in music. I bet there is no coincidence in that.

This morning it was a thought about news papers and how the best way to stay aware would be to focus on learning your new information through one source.

I think men are purposely wired to not be able to consider everything at once so that they would come to understand the greater complexities by choosing a singular focus.

I am not a good example of focus, because I am what is known as a jack of all trades, master of none. Because, like happens in relationships, I am fascinated too easily and bored too easily.

In college, I worked around the system put in place to guide me and took all sorts of classes that interested me instead of focusing on one. Then, on Twitter, I try for diversity of sources to follow instead of looking for the diversity in one. Maybe, I will do over.but, why does it feel like I am talking about killing others just to stop following them all to allow me to focus on those I do. Infact, if I follow wisely, I can still stay current on all information.

Same conclusions

Let me start by saying that no matter how I start off thinking I always end up at the same conclusion.

Ok, I was thinking an entirely random thought. I was exploring my memory taking a fun filled adventure through my past and I got caught up on a thought, well, it triggered another memory and soon, I was sensing a solution, or trying to find one, which I always do, although I never start with any problem in mind.

I did not have a list of usual suspects this time, but only one, and I thought, "No, now my subconscious is learning how to infiltrate my thoughts to come up with the desired conclusions." but, you know it is a way to achieve peace so I ought to be happy to have a solution, but instead I think it was tampered and I only combined two scenarios because I wanted to think that I only had one solution, because I had decided to only choose the right from now on, but what if there is no choice? When I keep coming to the same conclusion it would be like always winning every time when playing a game of chance, suspicious.

My mind just wants an answer, so it tries to convince me that I have made many choices and they all failed and so I have this problem. Well, if there honestly was no choice then no action would be required, right? but, there is required action which is a choice.

My son just offered his validation to a very corny pun. He is laughing quite hard now, I feel like my humor is wasted. I ought to have stayed with simplicity. Well, he will grow up, and maybe he will remember my jokes and laugh, but I really need to accept a conclusion, even if it is the one I always wanted all along anyway.

Neglect

I am so sorry I have neglected you, my dear blog, life was pushing my geeky buttons and my computer is slower than it should be to perform the tasks as they exist today.

On another note, I figured out how to streamline my life even more. First, think of your biggest regret. Got it? Ok, now that is your only priority. Eliminate it. It is sort of the way the early saint stopped focusing on other matters to deal with the building of the train tracks and then everything else fell into place. That is very much how it was with my hair that was holding me back, he he, what was holding my hair back? No, sidetrack. My hair was so hated that it was making me miserable, so when I cut it, I stopped hating and realized I loved me and that if I love me others will love that. So, in a sense everything else fell into place from addressing one thing. I think that would be true if we could eliminate the drawback which we call our biggest regret.

I really do not regret much, but one thing I do regret others have noted how miserable it makes me and I wonder, for real, what I could do with all of the energy I spend on coping.

Often enough to note a trend

I have to bite my lip cause I want to say, "How on earth can you be so constantly wrong?" Because if you can't say something nice then don't speak. So, I won't I cannot let it fester and bring me  down, so, I'll write it. He may not be always (mom and dad say it is bad to use the words always and never cause, for sure you will be lying) wrong, but he is more often than anything else, wrong. To the point I can call it a trend.

He tells others what I prefer or gives my opinion on a thing, but he is way off. But to maintain harmony, I say nothing. But, how can he be so completely wrong when he is supposed to be the one who knows me best. He seriously knows about nothing, if he really believes that I hate the cold or like the house to be above 72,degrees. I wonder if he mistakes me for his first wife sometimes. I swear if it were not for the children, it would be a no brainer to just leave.

Ok, I am writing all of this out of anger. I will feel better after sometime passes supplying distance between me and this nonsensical rage. Really, such a petty matter to consider drastic measures. But, that is how most people do act. The visible reaction doesn't have anything to do with the problem that seems to have caused it. I am not typical people. I am me. I will deal with my issues and will be happy because I did.

The worse thing for any relationship

The worse thing for any relationship is idle time even if you are vehmently disagreeing right now, so what, hear me out. That person you like to "do nothing" with might not like doing nothing with you, and might prefer something or consider your nothing something.

If the prophet is really the mouthpiece of God then even God has said that we ought to fill our time with recreational activities.

And your marriage must endure a long time, and in my experience, the best way to endearing a person to you to make them invaluable is a matter of creating memories. Do you really want to be remembered doing nothing?

Even the deepest infatuation will wane over time if not nurtured. My son has an inkling of this and so he tries to mend any bad feeling the instant it arises.

I have also noticed that too much time to consider anything changes it. So, it would be best to stay active and not allow such time as is required to reconsider a choice once it was made.

My final assertion is that those who I spend the most time with I grow to love the most. And even when I am not with everything reminds me of them. It is a cycle that we wish to spend our time with those we love, and we love those we spend our time with.

It seems like time is the universal currency.

Once upon a time

We learn from our mistakes and pass what we learn on to those who can steer clear of our past mistakes. Well, why do we still pass on the belief of a happily ever after. Failure is sort of inevitable. We all still think.someone has found true love and that getting a divorce is going to make it possible to find for ourselves. Um, when we will just see that there is no magical happily ever after generated by finding a perfect match but matches are only perfect if they endure.

Lesson de Aurthur

I turned on the TV to occupy my daughter as I went for my morning jog attempt. And at about 4:30am an episode of Aurthur taught me something about music that was so awesome, I must have realized it before.

I was thinking about absolute music vs. Songs with lyrics. The episode was called, "Do you speak George". In the episode, the kids were doing a thing I always did, too, it seems natural for kids to explore the properties of communication. They were creating secret languages that were shared only with a selective few. The pinacle was a moment an outsider said that it sort of frustrated the point of communicating, and we ought to just use our vernacular (universal language) which was natural and proven through it's survival to be the best.

I had always thought "classical" music superior in that it was universally understood and it was classical because it endured. But, then it was a natural evolution of music to use poetry like Morrissey and other lyrics we studied in English class.

As I saw Authur I thought there is a need to be understood and not everyone will take the time to learn the Things music has to say, so at least language arts continues to be part of a standard ciriculum, so the best music does use words so that all can understand. On the show a kid said idealistically, everyone will speak sign language so as to not exclude those who cannot hear. To me, this is like music. Sure I prefer absolute music because it makes sense to me, but it is as idealistic as that boy who said, everyone should learn sign language. Not everyone drools over a powerful symphony or a complex poem, but put them together and they not only understand but crave it.

Doing good

Another off hand comment got stuck in my mental playlist yesterday. It made me realize how true it is that the most meaningful things we ever think/say are done so unaware and it is less likely the things we intend to effect will effect quite as much as the other filler stuff will.

Anyhow, that being said, the thought was that these little posts are never intended to have any effect or be noticed, really, but these words might be written precisely for you though I was truly oblivious. So many others have told me things like, "you have no idea..." To "You must understand what you are doing..." Truth is, I am just doing what nature dictates, I do not write with any intention of effecting others for good or ill, sorry. But, just think of your favorite novel, does the hero have any concept of you or effects his/her choices will have on you? No. That is proposterous. Likewise, I have no notion of you, or even me and how things will play out, but I will continue to record it.

Some other thought branches:
1) Journals make wonderful movies.
2) A man mentioned recording things without knowing why. Later someone told him it was work of the spirit of Elijah like Malachi spoke of.
3) the scripture in the book of Mormon that says something like, "I write to you as if you were here, but you are not."

I do not know how to include this thought, but. I need to record an event. It is very important to me to seek out how to and do whatever is necessary to take family names to the temple as was challenged by our stake to do so as soon as the Ogden Temple reopens!

Gasp!

I find that timing is always an issue for me and so I am about to go under again, I had a long enough time to gasp, lungs filled with air. I am going to loose access to it again for a while.

When I can breathe I do not value it so much as when I am in need of air and I resent the oxygen around me doing me no good as it is bein put to use as it water. I clearly see that I need Oxygen, and it is everywhere around me, but already in use. It is these times when I know clearly what I must do, or is it just desperation? Because, as soon as I am able to breathe again, the tming is off and I start to think that maybe sinking underwater is not so bad. I surely will escape someday, so I gasp and sink again.

My question is why are my moments of clarity only when I cannot do anything about it? And then I become confused and unsure of my choices when I could, only briefly, help myself.

I have been told that confusion is equated to a no. Is this true? I honestly want to do what is right, no matter how hard it maybe, um on second thought, I am sorry I even thought that. There are many situations that I would avoid if I could and I can. So, does that mean my own comfort causes my confusion? Hmmmm

Steps

One at a time, I accomplish new plateaus of thought. Obstacles that seemed insurmountable have melted away into smaller obstacles today in one of my classes a comment shook my world so much that when they settled I woke to a world that although I could not master yet, I knew the day would come when I could.

It is a matter of taking a step at a time. Which direction are we headed is far more significant than how fast we get there. Another thing that influenced me was that the thing that we dream of will be ours. Sounds pretty simple, but it boils down to the thought that fills our empty moments forms who we will become. I bet it was said to encourage a reevaluation at what matters most to us. But, it is full of hope to me. I am getting closer although I am not there yet, I will be.

About time - Living longer

All this chain reaction of thought started when I thought about how I inherited incredible traits from my parents. And how people never used to live this long, but I have genetic traits that will not wear out before my time on earth ends.

Because we live longer we do not need to live faster! I am ideally paced in my maturity, I suppose I just like me. But, I realized that all along I had been comparing myself to the standards that were far younger than me and then supposing my peers were much older than me. I missed my ideal age which used to be when people started dying, so I never would have had to live through this state of slow decay while still alive. Anyway, I missed my prime in my 30's assuming I was too old to matter or even attempt to make a mark. I guess that is one reason I got so sick to be fair to others. If I had been allowed to.continue normally uninterrupted by illness, I would have been took competent and too charming with an unfair advantage as my body would have seemed super human. I am not so bad considering what I endured. I just missed a good support where it should have been and would have been if I didn't get all over anxious to live.

Now, I am realizing that I do not need to be in any hury I will have plenty of time. I just read the coolest comment about time: Time is wasted if you don't use it. I add that it is useless. I loved Kung Fu Panda, too when It was said, The past already happened, the future is yet to be, but the time we actually have is a gift that's why they call it a present.

But, my thought this morning was that all of this scheduling and deadlines is a product of finite thinking, so instead I will have eternal perspective and slow down and try to enjoy the briefest of moments that I have living this life. In acting class one of the tips taught was given by teaching us how to have a perfect performance. It was likened to playing tennis and thinking of only what our duty was in the particular moment. Things are easier if we simplify by narrowing our perspective to fit the moment, yet knowing it is part of a larger time frame. Knowing that gives us the security we need to just trust that if we do well now consequentually eternal life will be good. Knowing life is not going to end gives us a special appreciation for the moments. Each "now" is like a bead stringedon a never ending necklace of life.

Premature birth

I was thinking about how lucky I am and that I always say it is because I was born on the 7th. Uh, but I didn't have much to do with it. Well, then I thought Mary was born on the 7th, too. That is when the connection was made and it was like fireworks went off in my mind with regard to preemies.

Both Mary and I were born early. I joked about it being a result of my independent and anxious nature. Now, I realize a thing that I noticed before regarding women who are barren but, then miraculously concieve. That child was dileberate and purposeful, more so than any other. Both Mary and I did not just come as we were expected to as planned by science/nature. We came according to our own plan. Unexpected arrivals atleast can be speculated as diliberate or intended, as if there was a plan all along.

Because I am a Mormon, I formed a strange way of thinking about it. We believe that we lived as spirits hapily in a spirit world before coming to this one. I believe that I had already fallen in love. And when my significant other (as we put it) left for earth I was overly zealous to get there, too. I had not acknowledged this before, though.

When I met Brandall Brawner, he was older and had been born in October, so it made a bit of sense to me, as I was too although I was scheduled to be born around decemberish. But, what really got me (and I was very cautious and skeptical of odd motives as the time). He said that he felt as if he recognized me, and wondered if I ever felt that I knew someone before and felt the need to hug them or sort of celebrate. Then he asked if he could please, hug me. How Romantic, huh? Whoever is lucky enough to end up with him forever is so fortunate. I still love him so much, though, it is not good to be just in love with someone who is not in love back. So, I am glad that he was so wise to let me go.

Anyhow, so I think both Mary and I have more reason to claim we are lucky as a result of the day we were born than others because of our premature, unplanned by science, births.

What you've been waiting for...

Your sieving through silly thoughts is over, I am about to disclose how to create the ideal being, when the desire arises.

First thing is to observe our longest surviving creatures simple organisims like viruses. They teach us that the key to survival is adapting, so then the key to strength is adversity.

My mother was so incredibly wise. She did not medicate away anything that attacked our bodies, so creating strong immune systems.

It seems that we aide others in "easing their pain". But, in actuality we are strengthening our adversary. Because of vaccinations we have unwittingly (out of a desire to help) created a hybrid. Take for instance the flu. Once a simple illness, nothing to cause alarm, is killing people who are unable to fight the evolved strain.

I am guilty as a parent, although I know that women who know do less, still I try to make things easy by taking extra upon myself, and creating children who will not cope with reality but instead be addicted and dependant on me.

Images

I do not know what I want to say, but it has only gotten stronger and firmer when I dismissed the notion, so here is the basic idea: what does it mean that we were created in God's image? Do we then have the potential to be like him, or just resemble him in form?

I have long since thought that I was not like everyone else, which would be proposterous, as we are all children of one being, ofcourse we share much more than a likeness. But , I find myself wondering if beyond looking like others the things shared stop. Perhaps, I have morein common with something else. I write my feelings off as immature and it is likely everyone goes through a stage of feeling smears and blames it on aliens or something, like Clark Kent. He looked like us, but was alien. I need to watch Roswell again.

Unrelated, I felt so much better about myself when I was almost entirely disconnected from the goings on of others. I arrive almost at the same points regardless. Like a child who is raised by wolves but come to similar conclusions or in ovies speaks English somehow. On Torchwood:Miracle Day. Such a happening was referred to as a "morphic field". Latter-day saints accept such a thing as well. We are spirit children of a Heavenly Father, who is our God. He shares the Godhead with two other beings, one of which is a personage (interesting word) of spirit and dogs can dwell in our hearts, in many hearts intact, at once. He is known by many names but the commonly used layterm is the Holy Ghost.

My kids got a huge kick out of a girl explaining that we needed bodies so we would not just wobble to the ground. To me, it seems like we assign an image to our spirits that is similar to our body, in need to do things, too. I wrote a poem once that expressed my concern for being a bodiless form, put simply, it is not easy being a ghost. Many movies and other similar arts have touched on the perils of needing a tactile likeness but, I wondered if that importance stems from our inability to imagine a life unlike the one we know. Afterall, we are MRs in the image of God, right? Does our likness end there? I have been taught otherwise.
One of my key values is divine nature... More later. Must sleep while I can.

Courtesy of Athena

Briefly, as I watched Ariel's Begining this morning I had these three thoughts that are important so I will write the origins down, and maybe the evolution will be spoken through my life...

A real lesson doesn't
require words, but this one comes in English.

1) rules are usually laws that do not worry about exceptions because anyone who actually tries can keep them and achieve success.

2) There are lesser and higher laws or else we would not need the warning of not trying to accomplish more than you ought, like milk until you have teeth, etc. It is not that meat is bad for you or anything, it is just not going to work for everyone.

3) In the case of Divorcees and Widow(er)s, it is not always applicable that there is only One person for you. For their potential happiness, any one must work.

Demograghic

This thought occurs often, and because it is uncomfortable I push it away. In short, my husband is very much the same as the demographic I dislike and call it Black, but I am not racist. And so it is not a skin type that I dislike, it is an attitude generally. Shown by a type of living. We are all poor down south. One result that I identify with is the honest, misunderstood, but ever inventive redneck. Then there is the culture of poor people who desire to appear like they are not poor. They drive nice looking cars and wear designer clothes and blare popular music and buy up all of the latest tech gadgets. They hope to give an air of happy and successful. But, they sacrifice by living in squallor. Sadly, it works on the mentally deficient and the government though.

Generation after generation they continue to live this social lie, so they intermarry and become a very big poor lie. Most of these folk are black people who live off of government subsidies and complain about entitlements while others work hard, figure out what must be done and actually become wealthy. It reminds me of the whole "give the man a fish or teach him to fish" thing. It is not a race that I dislike so much it is a demographic of leeches who neglect self improvement because they are so concerned with how they will look.

Another day, another dream

Back story: My dreams are always more intense when I fall back asleep after Mary wakes me up, like she did last night. I almost think those dreams are the ones that have a bit of my awareness in them. Mary Anne woke me up several times just as I fell asleep. Whining about wanting to see another "Toy Mom" episode on Youtube. I think Youtube is addictive. They pedal ideas that are so sugary even Joseph wakes up wanting to watch it. So far I do not think it has done any harm, neither is currently watching.

I had such a weird dream.

I was in a class and as always an incredible thought came much after the question that cause it had passed, but then the teacher asked, is there anything else to add, and I thought "who cares how I appear? This is my opportunity to share this nagging thought!" I raised my hand and the teacher ignored it. I was upset, but then I was so busy feeling upset that I forgot my original thought anyway. I thought, hmmm. If I remember it I will be sure to blurt it out instantly but I never thought of it, even now, I cannot remember it. I realized once again that any brilliance I ever have is not of myself and the second I do anything to drive it away, I am left with just myself which is very little, the thought that lingers this morning is, "That thought was a gift for you. Stop sharing everything. Everyone is on different levels and will be taught the thing that are right for them."

 So, my internal teacher reflex was rebuked. The End.

Peers and neighbors

Not much need be said to get you in the frame of mind that considers all of the things that, though intended for good might have nefarious purposes. The first thing to come to my mind is technology. It is amazing that so many advances that have been made just in my lifetime. Ok, so now the break down of good and evil. Things are constantly available that make genealogical impossibilities not only possible but easy. But, those same technological advances have prolifierated pornography.

I was thinking today quite hard about one of my greatest blessings and pet peeves, Utah. It is so marvelous to live where there are so many others who have been taught and think like me. It is a huge, noticeable difference from where I was raised.

In the same breath I hate it here. It is like I get to see that I am just odd. Even though I could be so at peace, instead I find that although I share ideas, I do the same things, but for different reasons. Should that even matter?

It is like people are using the large number of like minds to justifybad behavior instead of sort or reinforce the good. My husband's family calls me an "orthodox" Mormon. Huh? Is there such a thing? Apparently there is.

Think about the parable of the Good Samaritan. We should love our neighbors, right? Well, I see this being a reason to overlook bad because of the good. In a show a "Bad guy" saved people, and it confused. In many things I thought it was black and white, but here if you do good in all other things then you are allowed a few bad things. I have not even mentioned the reason I fit in in some degree is because culturally, they were taught to do things, and did, freeing their will to choose things I do not agree with. The things I did agree with, I fought to make part of myself against peer pressure, but here the pressure is to do the right.

So, I guess anything can be viewed as a positive or a negative. That explains how wars are fought and it applies to each of our internal war.

I loved this episode so far...

It was directed by Amanda Tapping, she must be a mental genius, whatever she touches is brilliant!

The show is continuum season 3 episode 5 or 6, and a character is discussing how our need to be merciful requires that someone be killed. I love that sort of depth of thought, but things thought impossible become possible with enough brain power. Sorta like a computer guru said that there is no reason to need more than 200 MBs to store information.

The thing that really stole my fascination was the comment an advisor of time traveling made about how we like to rely on science and all but ultimately it is always how we feel that determines if a thing is right or wrong.

I really suspected it. This quote suggests I'm not just assuming

The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It's the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows and the beauty of a woman only grows with passing years.”

― Audrey Hepburn

Realization in bloom

The biographical nature of art is my first thought today. Others, because they want to believe in the words or give them a power they chose to believe that they mean something equally provoking to the artist who gave them life. The lead singer for Nickelback once commented on that belief and said that it is only partially biographical for him and definately not in the production, but in repeated performance the song seem to mold his life. I have noticed this truth throughout my life in is the I/O principle. What goes in eventually comes out. I think that is why we are asked to seek out good things if we want a good life.

The art and literature we consume becomes the tint for the glasses through which we see all things.

I suggest this find evidence in how married people or adopted children all take on similarities
And why they say, "You are what you eat."

I just cannot simplify it much, what I learned from a hour long fireside that told the influence media has on us, conciously and subconciously. Everyone can understand it well when we talk about the choice people make to play shooter video games and then express similar violence.

I can do with out many things but I cannot do without Love. This is my second thought.  I considered. My life and what it needed vs. What it wanted to grow. I concluded in perfect agreement of my heart and mind that I could actually do without so many things I have, but I could not thrive without Love.

I have decided after last night, that I need to start a dream journal, a big reason is to try to clarify to myself the things I was thinking through in my sleep, because, frankly interpretting the meaning of waking up with a song, though it influences my thoughts all day and causes me to discover some fascinating things, it is simply not enough to truly understand and appreciate myself.

My dreams are so life like I have a hard time sometimes telling them from reality. But, unlike reality, many significant details are missing. Clearly, I am no dream architech, like on Inception.

Last night, for instance, I was traveling with children and marooned, and sort of picked up by someone. I felt so grateful, but this person wanted to help, but wanted,me to know that they could not do the things they assumed I needed. My burden waa that they know that they were already help enough and did actually give all I needed and I did not actually even want financial assistance and I wanted them to know that, we stopped at a McDonald's and felt responsible for me and my kids, but I woke up. I have no idea where we were or where we were going or who was with me or why.

My last thought was the comment that my ancestors are dependant on me to do their work, and I marvel at this because it has already been done, or maybe something is wrong and I need to find it. Or else it is a chinck in my armor of faith...

So many temples?

I was listening to a general conference session of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints where the building of several smaller temples was announced, and I remember that and at the time I was so happy and excited about all of the possibilities and the accessiblity that I never considered any possible downside, but it explains a lot.
The early saints were leary of building a temple because the persection seemed a result of the first. They said that the second a temple was announced or the cornerstone was laid all hell breaks loose. Just imagine how furious the adversary would be that those pesky Mormons announce several temples, that will dot the globe! Well, just look around. You're welcome.

Interestly, I just watched an episode of warehouse 13 where an artifact made you invincible but killed anyone else present in place, sort of like the guy on Pushing Daisies, if he saved one person then another died, and anyway in this show a guy asks, "Do you think you can play God?" Meaning, sure if you use this artifact to save one life, everyone else will die. Are you sure you want to be responsible for all of that? Isn't that what parents do? They take responsibility for things, and that is why they get to make the choices. And, God is more than just a creator. He is our literal Father in Heaven.

A while ago...

For some reason, this thought has gotten the red flag tonight, so I will oblige and share it.

A woman bore her testimony as a comfort offered to those who start to doubt or waver in their faith. She had prayed whole heartedly for her sister, but it was not until 40 years later that she saw any result of that prayer. After class, I told her that I had been touched by such a personal.story and how it reminds me to remember that God has his own timing, and he is not in the immediate obsession of the world we live in.

Then, as I was leaving she called to me and told me another story where she never doubted, but then the person she prayed for died and she felt like maybe it had been in vain, still she did the temple work for them and felt more strongly and surely than she ever had that this person was grateful. So she told ne not to loose faith even after years or impossibility because God certainly keeps his promises.

What is religion?

The cut and dry answer used to be good enough: a set of beliefs that dictate actions. But, this was no longer good enough to satisfy my ponderful living, as I would poke holes at all the ideas I had accepted as a child. Cue that scripture from "The Mission" when I was a child I thought as a child... But, I put away childish things.

Someone gave the most awesome information if you are ready or looking for it:

When a woman gives birth the child is connected to it's mother by a cord that must be severed. It is tied off in two places then a the cut is made between the two. The fastened sections are called ligatures.

This binding off of the cord shares the same root as the main part of the word religion.

So a religion sort of conveniently becomes the means to define the way we are "tied off" to our diety or sense of being.

For me and others of my faith, our sense of being and diety are closely related, too. Being as our God is our spiritual father. So the way we are tied to him is the religion we profess. Mentioning thus always sort of puts me on a pedestal. I start to feel high and mighty as a daughter of God, and as one I ought never apologize for myself, but be on purpose. It makes me feel less like I need to or even ought to,accept things I know are not correct because I shrink from confrontation and seek to not ever stand out or offend positively or negatively, especially regarding same gender couples. It is just not acceptable and I see it as a fault of mine to try to ride the fence and say hate the sin, but love the sinner. Be accepting of others who believe differently, etc. I just honestly do not think God would be so lenient regarding any issue really, nor could he be.

Alone , but with my thoughts.

I turn to a blog for refuge, nay, I am not cowering to a notion, I am merely alone and need so badly to get these waring words out of my head, This will be the new place where they may battle, and I hardly know which side to back, or which thought will win, so I will present them both here and try to see them as independent. Maybe, if it is "Someone else's Story", my ability to discern between them will be more trustworthy.

The first idea begins with the acknowledgement of the fact that almost too many families have, for various reasons in addition to divorce, child custody cases, suffered loss. But, two natures usually fix everything. 1) even if a woman, for various reasons, feels unable to care for a child, after her body works so hard to create and carry a child a very strong bond is formed. and 2) whomever is designated to nurture the child develops such a bond that the child's best interest somehow superceeds their own concerning the rearing of the child. So, regardless of who gets the joy of raising the child, it will be done with love.

It was that thought which seperated me from my older children. I knew that they would be cared for and properly. This thought just in, don't know if it was supposed to comfort or what, but if I ever had a reason to believe they would not be taught right, I would not have left them and would still be fighting for them, and I know that God would not allow his children to be harmed unless it was for their good.

Recently, I was made aware of a great many people who suffered a similar fate. It is not that I was completely unaware, I knew that divorce was wrong, but so was marriage in so many cases. I knew there were a lot of child custody cases, but figured their misfortunes were simply different and without natural affection, and so it was better that another care for the children, so it would be proper for a child of God.

My opposing thought comes from a popular TV Show Downton Abbey. It is that nothing can possibly compensate for a mother's love, couple this idea with the fact that I believe that the children given to me and it is one of those stewardships that though I feel unworthy at times, I will be exactly what they need.

Now, between the two which one is correct to apply to my situation, for neither seems wrong, yet they contradict.

This is when my heart steps in with a solution, but again, it would only serve it's own purpose. It says take the children and flee. But, I will do no more than consider it. The children ought to be with me true. They ought to be with their father as well. There is no law but earthly ones that bind me to anything or anyone here, it is just because I will it. So, what if I didn't? And that is how this battle ends, a cat's game. Looks like I will be praying a lot on this one.

Interesting choice

I made a curious choice this morning to read the discourses of Brigham Young and not my scriptures, and it occurred to me foremost that this was as much scripture as anything in my posession was. As I was reading those words the most peculiar thought occurred to me, and it was not regarding any word that was spoken at all anyway, but about my choice.

I always preferred his recorded words to any other. I just had a feeling that there was some sort of connection there, though I could not put my finger on it. Years earlier, I read a book where a thing said had bothered me to the point that I needed to pray about it in the temple because I just had accepted everything he said as divine truth or something, but this thing which just felt incorrect, so I needed to rely on that thing we call personal revelation, which last year, in institute, our teacher explained that we ought never simply accept the words of a prophet as the gospel truth, unless they have been authorized to speak as a prophet of God. A lady in my class last week said that the beauty of our religion was that we each are entitled to personal connection to the truth which effects us (personal revelation).

I have recently been trying to hone and better comprehend those ideas that are blessing from a loving father in heaven, and as such, I understood many hard to grasp (for me) things. Though nothing was said on the subject, I peculiarly understood why so many women would want to marry one man.

My final thought I will not share in specifics, but generally, I will say that it is not a thing understood with our minds when we so completely fall in love anyway. And we need to trust that others have a right to personal revelation too.

Errors of man

I am a bit ashamed to admit that a new thing occurred to me. I had actually wondered a great deal about why the BoM prophets were always apologizing for their work. But, this morning The nuerons or whatever fired in a way that a new connection was made.

I was thinking about how like us Lehi was in that he lived a normal life (not overly anything or a trouble maker in fact he respected his religious leaders a great deal, and so he apologized for his record's roughness and plainess - the Jews were not particularly plain, they worked hard to obscure thus uncover truth) all his days were spent in Jerusalem, where he obviously intended to stay and aquired wealth.

But, then as he prayed, God spoke to him directly and his life changed drastically and suddenly. He went and told his friends and neighbors that they needed to repent, to the point where they were offended enough to take his life. Still, he, for some reason, did what he was told.

Now, imagine if you or your husband, out of the blue, decided to leave everything and risk death telling everyone the error of their ways because he had a dream.

Ok, as I was thinking about how lives are unexpectedly changed all of the time, it seems to be quite prevelant in scripture stories to the point where I might even say it is a "type" where men are asked to give up their amassed comforts to follow God (the first commandment). Anyway, as I was thinking on that I realized why he spoke in so much apology for his words. Ah hah! Think of his audience.

Growing up, the understanding and intimidation factor was much lower in those who I met with or addressed, but out here, I see it often, how carefully and with greater preparation a group is addressed. I suspect that he was apologizing for the quality of his unedited and unpolished words in contrast to those of the Jews in Jerusalem. His religious world was very different than the one we live in, plus, the fact the it was all translated by inspiration anyway, which was likely not supposed when the words were chiseled rough hewn.

I am reminded also of another artist who noted that we tend to record that which appeals to us, and the regular diet is shown through the words of Isaiah, and Nephi said as much when he said that he wrote the things that seemed to be of most value to him and often he quoted Isaiah saying it was likened unto them and used for THEIR profit and learning.

What purpose is truly yours?

I give myself too many purposes, I need to focus them down into something more accomplishable.

I know that I existed before, but never like this. I know that I had time to prepare and that preparation was intended to help, and I know that I will exist forever the quality of manner ought to be included in my purpose. Mormonism teaches happiness is found in family life, so I believe any advantage starts there. I was born very strategically.

It was encouraged to record our early morning ramblings, as they may have great worth. It is strange how my place of sleep has become a mini temple to me. And I am drawn to this spot, even when sleep is far away and not at all likely.

This morning as I was laying here contemplating, not at all sleepy, and decide many things, and the best thing to actually do was pray. And, my mind/lips started pouring out the things trapped in my heart left unsaid or unwritten for too long. I am not going to say them here, but instead I will share the peace I took away, that will make me look crazy, like Anna in Frozen when the store keeper says ,"The only one crazy enough to be out in this weather is you."

My focus right now ought to be my children. Heavenly Father has already shown me that he can work incredible miracles when I try to do what I should.

Joseph is an incredible child expected to do incredible things, and I was chosen to give his little body and teach him the things he needs. There is a marvelous thing going forth right now and my link must be strong, and it was never itended that I be so unhappy, but if I do my part, the world will be so blessed, and in turn I can expect the sort of peace I desire. Just look to David and see what can happen if I miss my focus and become selfish instead of trying to remember my part in the bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!

My purpose is to find happiness in the blessings I have, namely, my children.

I suspect my name will be known as "the mother". I want to be the wife, but must be patient. I do think they ought to be one and the same, and everyone plays a different part. I need to focus on mine. I can feel as much love as is possible, and that is my real purpose. It should not be abandoned or substituted, that path was demonstrated by trading a birthright for a mess of pottage. Or as my dad taught me, trading what we need for what we want right now.

2 Things stood out

As I was watching a video this morning two things struck me as significant (maybe the same way the scriptures in James did for Joseph Smith? I know not). They felt important.

1)I am glad my parents joined the church and that my dad can hold the preisthood.

Summed up, it occurred to me that it is a marvelous opportunity, and if someone could have it, and they did not do all they could to have it, they are not a firm foundation. (It was said by a little black boy who honestly saw the blessing available when it was given).

2) who taught you this? (Basically nothing) My Dad.

A mother teaches and lessons stick, opposed to fathers, I do not need someone who tells me I am not good enough at my job. I have never complained about how he does/does not do his job.

And it impressed me how much the kids learn from their father, especially my little boy, and it scares me the lessons being taught there.

One girl summed things in my heart up as a child by saying that one day she wanted a family so that she can teach them the gospel. And THAT is why I needed to date church members and,be equally yoked, or as a friend said, "be on the same page."

David

I was curiously seeking out any information on the king David, then I realized that my scriptures always opened to the exact same place and I had thought a lot about David, and then just figured that I needed new scriptures with a better binding. My mother also told me that had I been a boy I would have been named David. Ok, my first boyfriend in college, who my parents thought I would Marry, another LONG story, was named David. Ok, so I decided, especially in light of our last lesson in Relief Society at church, to read the actual source or Bible stories about the incredibly interesting life of David.

Strange realization

I always thought that if you made up your mind before necessary, it was easier to stick to it. And I have always been strong enough to stick with a thing once I decided on it. This ability has been honed and strengthen each month of my life since I can remember by purposely denying myself food or drink though my body needed it. I was able to ignore my body regardless, if my mind was set on a thing.

So, today, when a silly thing happened and I lost a wager with myself. I was very confused and disturbed because although untrue, or was it. I am thinking of making the same deal with myself, because I didn't really believe it., and that is where it gets it's power.

I just cannot stop thinking, well, what if.

It is like that game you play as a kid where you do not step on any cracks or you break your mother's back, or even blowing candles on your cake to get a wish.

This is getting off track. My intent was to explore the power of mentally deciding a thing, sort of like a placebo drug or belief in a thing.

My  Physical Therapist had a saying that was on the wall it said, "If you think you can or you think you can't you're, right." Power of positive thinking, or Faith (for me, and those who are spiritually minded) actually is an active force, percieved clearly and undesputably in retrospect. Or as it is written in the book of Ether, "witness comes after the trial of our faith."

That goes along with my other notion today that strength is important. I had stumbled upon strength unwittingly. But, today it was questioned. "Did my strength fail because my mental choice was not solidly founded? Or, I simply did not believe the consequence was honest. If it were, surely, I would not have faltered."

Summed up it is like saying, if I eat any sugar I will not live happily ever after. When I am starving and offered a doughnut, I realize how silly such a premise is, rather than think  my resolve is weak.

Isn't it funny?

Now, Love needs to be clarified with the adjective true. I found it funny, like "natural" baking soda, is it distinguished from the others because they are all unatural? That is rediculous to even consider. It is equally foolish to think True love is distinguished from other loves. Those descriptions are used as a sort of verbal punctuation. Buyers buy "fat-free" things that are naturally fat free but are marked as such. Do not buy into a love because it is called "true". Love alone is true unless it is not love at all anyway.

How much will even be here to remind that I ever was?

I just kept telling myself, this too shall pass, I was thinking things certainly could not get much worse than they already are. Then, on cue, my microwave stopped working. No biggie, I'll just use my toaster oven to heat up lunch, while I figure this one out. Toaster Oven will not work either, and I cannot move the microwave because it is built in to the wall to test other outlets maybe. So, I just used the big ole oven, but I look at how random things are to rule out the usual suspects, and conclude that it must be a godly coincidence(providence), but what does it mean? I ask that too much, I really ought to have a standard answer by now, but I don't. So, I'll spend the rest of the day thinking about it and asking "What does it mean? and What can I even do?"

My weirdest game

This was strangely so easy for me.

I played a game of trying to think of, not prayerfully consider the Lord's will, as should be done, whom I would prefer as counselors in a pretend presidency. I bet such a game is important to play when choosing a spouse as well. it is important to realize that your task is perfect, but you are not. So, who would you chose to round you out and improve your potential?

My first desire is to chose like-minded friends whom I like to be around, secondly to sort of appoint those whom I admire most (like an ancient king appointing earls) whom I would like to be my close friends. But, ultimately the exercise taught me instead to think of those I might not have instantly considered  but, would provide the grandest perspective when coupled with mine. But, I was reminded that just different is not good. Team work is uniting different talents for a common goal.

It is simple

I was looking for a simple evidence of a doctrine I already believed, that Prophets of God could not lead astray. I found many arguments, mostly founded on a quote from Wilford Woodruff saying

“The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as President of this Church to lead you astray.”   

And whenever a single person is used to defend a point it is not successful in it's attempt to persuade. I even read many points of others seeing the alluring attractiveness of what they asserted, but I already knew what I believed, I was only looking to know where this belief started, I doubted that it started with Wilford Woodruff. Then, the matter was greatly clarified for me in this scripture: 

24 For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.

It is found in the gospel of Matthew chapter 24. It is simple. If it was possible to lead the saints astray the prophets would have done so, even the very elect, whatever that constitutes. But, It is not possible regardless what we are inclined to think is reasonable, if we follow the prophet we will be right in the eyes of the Lord, this also provides a second witness to Wilford's claim, though it doesn't need one.

 

Beauty Again?

     Alright, it seems I pass the time thinking about beauty. Odd when it otherwise escapes notice. My initial thought to pass time today was this thought over and over, "I love Jesus Christ." and I do; but because there ought to be more to such a thought, I turned to music and videos to let my idea launch into something grander, or at least more than obsession. I went on a wild jouney that lead me to this video:

 

       And while watching it the thought occurred to me that Mary was chosen to be the mother of Jesus Christ, so she must have been the representation of what was beautiful to God. I very much doubted that it was how she wore her hair or made her face appear, further, I doubted that it had much to do with how she choose to appear to others at all. There is a hymn that says "There was no beauty that man should him desire." so, man's desire and beauty are not found naturally in his own salvation. That was a big eye opener.

The fact that I keep returning to the topic of beauty suggests to me that it is something that I have failed to gasp yet...

I ought to include this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_jrGmWJ0xM

Quote to remember

You lack the vision to see how happy a marriage can be, and should be. You are satisfied to eat the crumbs that fall from the table, for you have never tasted the banquet.

compare that to the saying that "It is better to have loved and lost."  a quote from the book "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. I wonder if she is related to Derek, who I knew from doing Windows technical support. It is an odd surname...

Baking soda

I was too tired, last night, so I placed this sort of book mark here for myself

This is another thought inspired by baking. I still laugh every time I see the label that boast of "All Natural" baking soda, what on earth is unnatural baking soda? Sound interesting to me.

What I noticed as I tried several recipes was that the baking soda made the biggest difference.

But, the reason I was trying new recipes had nothing to do with taste.  Every one tasted great! but they did not look perfect. So the one I tried last night appeared best, but tasted terrible. It is not the first time I had a run in with Soda. I had previously decided never to use it again, after it clumped up and I got a brownie with a lump of baking Soda.

But, my conclusion was two part last night. 1) I had been warned countless times that you cannot have you cake and eat it. (story about my piano lesson in college where I asked my teacher to not be so picky since music was aural anyway) 2) I will not give up just because I have failed so far. Someone once told me that was what made me so above mediocre my never give up or settle attitude. I know thee exists a combination of ingredients that will produce both the most tasty and beautiful recipe.

Country and Western

I was wondering about the commonalities between country and western. In particular there are things I considered "country" but then realize it is probably just a western thing, namely a cast iron skillet. It led me to realize the similarities like, resourcefulness, almost frozen in timeness, and grass rootsness. Granted, the last two aren't real words but that is what I was thinking about expressed most plainly in words (that communicates the right thing to you, I hope).

I have loved the resourcefulness of rednecks that find a way to do a thing that others do some way unavailable to them. But, isn't that the same thing I admire so much about pioneers? It is summed up by the saying "necessity is the mother of invention."

So, today thinking about my skillet and where it came from, or rather what it represents, sitting next to my non-stick electric griddle. I think, just,because a way is accepted or the big thing does not discredit other ways that might be better. So, let those ideas flow even the original ones.

Division of labor

While watching Disney channel I thought the advertisement, though not false, seemed inaccurate. As I considered it, I thought it was probably because of specialization.

A division of labor has allowed us to make great advances by focusing on one area, but it has caused so much specialization in some cases, that sight of the big picture is lost.

Many visitors

I was thinking how almost too often I am waiting for something, but I am clueless as to what. It must be godot. He gets so,many visitors there is probably a line longer than the one to space mountain to get to even see him. It is worth it though, right? Or why wait? Uh oh, potential song forming, push it away, I am busy waiting for something. :)

I like the Jewish notion best, light a candle then go to sleep. I guess it's almost like Santa Claus.