The trap of the gap

I started for a moment to let thoughts take the lead cause I pretty much have given entirely to spirituality, cause I am spiritually wiser than I am mentally, it makes sense, like when I lost the ability to use muscles, no big deal, just use the ones that have worked all along, they will just have double duty. Well, that is a problem because one side that is already strong gets stronger. It is like letting kids do things when you really can do much better. That is not the point. So, even if my mind merely takes much longer to figure out what I already know by filling in the gaps with beliefs.

My thought is that so what if I do not know things, I do know that a life lived as Mormonism teaches is a good life and that is enough, sort of like a good fruit is evidence of  good seed and proper niroushment. But, thinking to find truth has also given me this little nugget: if you live the doctrine without the faith you did not really live it, or get the real benefit.

Beauty, again

It has a place, but it has been over exaggerated. for years, I honestly thought that what I lacked was being told by the one I loved that I was beautiful, but as I was trying to convince my children of something it dawned on me how pointless it is to establish or reassure our sense of beauty based on what someone says. Being beautiful is important,mind you. There is someone who simply must find you to be the most beautiful person alive, and it need not be your spouse or intended spouse, as I had always thought. 

I could easily understand that I would not appear universally beautiful, and that did not matter. All along I figured my doubts and such of my own worth and beauty were a problem with my husband not communicating well the awe one ought to feel for me (one he was to build an eternal family with). but, it was ok, because I certainly did not feel it for him either.

Tonight, I looked in the mirror and honestly thought, "great scott! you are beautiful!" it was then I realized that was all I really needed. I needed to think I was beautiful, it needs to be an internal thing. Beauty does not look a certain way or behave acertain way. It is appealing entirely to someone, and I was thinking about who I wanted to think ghat I was beautiful and I realized it was Myself! famous individuals are no different from me and yet, they are comfortable with themselves and that makes them attractive.

Could vs. Would revisited

I never concluded in words which was better could or would, but my life chouces spoke my choice regardless of what I typed. My actions declared that could was better than would, and should was better than both.

Now, I revisit them on a more pertinent matter. Because, it seems like could is better in terms of potential to do a thing, and all that was needed was sufficient time. But, no matter how much a plant would grow with enough rain, without the rain, no ammount of waiting is going to ever going to pay off. So, I have decided, especially in terms of a husband: could is absolutely not better than would, especially when it comes to setting and example and teaching children. I say/think this as I prepare for FHE. How fortunate I am to live in an area where FHE is both encouraged and understood. I am thankful for the willingness of a husband, but not at all thankful for what he could do that he should. It feels like everything I teach is diffused by him because dad doesn't do it, so it obviously doesn't really matter.

I had been so excited with my "Utah Mormon" husband who actually could be everything I wanted in life that I didn't even consider if he would be. He always could and has made his choice and I should have really accepted him for what he was not what he could be.

Now, I see that it would have been so much wiser to consider one who would be everything over someone who currently could but was not.

Ok. I am not even really thinking of me I am thinking of how to justify an English princess  falling in love with a viking warlord. It is really really hard to look as people as their will be opposed to who they are which is a huge part of could and would. The advantage I see now of would is that it will become all it could whereas could remains a potential, forever the seed, never the fruit.

As promised...

So, it started with a twist in the conversation. Soon Tracey and I were talking crochet which lead to her sending me the awesomist (is that a word) wiggly crochet pattern for some hot pads. She almost always has a hand in answering my prayers. It is the same pattern which I had been searching for since about 2005 when I saw it made and studied it at my grandmother's house in Florida. It was so beautiful, I wanted to create it, too. That could start a whole new conversation about how we want to create beautiful things. So, as I finally found this pattern, it made me think of my Grandmother, who has passed away, and how much I miss her, but I realize it is no different, in a way, than her being in Florida where I never see her, only I bet she is happy. She was such a good, kind woman. Not wealthy, by earthly standards, though she joked about having a burried treasure that grandpa never found, but he married her in hopes of finding. Ha, ha. I felt certain that she was well. Often, I pray for such, and it struck me as odd how I pray for her more now that she is dead than I did when she was living. I guess to me, alive she was my elder, but in spiritual matters I was her elder and felt protective, like she was a mere babe and needed protection and understanding, this lead me to consider family history and intelligence.

I have no doubt others who have passed from this life are concerned with us and our fates, as are we with theirs. I often have thought about those who come to know spiritual things and how much it will benefit them in their eternal life. And so, I thought of these scriptures from D & C:

130: 18 & 19

18 Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.
19 And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come.

and 131:7 & 8

There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes;
8 We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter.

Mostly, I was struck by the fact that a thing I had long supposed was not so, it is that we shall suddenly have "the viel" lifted from our eyes upon death and will know the truth of all things. But, clearly, those who know things, will continue to know and those who do not yet understand may be taught (Jesus visited and taught those in a sporit prison).  So, if you read that last bit, if spirits were in prison, why so? It seems to find resolution in being taught, so I suppose ignorance is a prison of sorts. I am getting off track again!

Ok, new paragraph. If you come to understand how things were done and why, regardless of how, you will still understand it and be grateful after death.

I had been doing a great deal of work on a particular family name which appears spelled two different ways, from two different countries, but the same area, so I sorta figured they were actually the same somewhere, somehow.

It was this same name that seemed to have a hand in my life when it was most needed, and I could not understand it, but I felt like I owed something to this family, and so I worked alot of doing their geneaology, and guess what? Turns out, I found a relation in my very ward with that same surname who shared a story of a loved one who had passed on and had deep love of family history. I do not pretend to understand much more than I have said here, but it was enough for me to conclude that it was not all merely a coincidence.

There are things that can be known and not unknown that require faith, but once known they will be known forever. I think that is why the angels record the things we know so that they might keep a database of who is fit for which designation.
I have heard, at church, how people claim that they are sure such and such is on a mission in the spirit world.

I can accept that because, though being a person who owns a body of flesh is my goal, I am a person of spirit and intelligence, who always was and always will be. I used the word father to refer to one who made such possible, but even words loose meaning outside of this realm.

I wrote a musical once about the languagd of the gods being music and the thing that seperated the "under world" from earth was music and when a king banished music, oh! It was frightening It was based on the opera of "Orpheus and Euridice".

Ok, time to get everyone up and ready.

Start out lightly

Today, my thoughts are dwelling on intelligence. Actually, for a few days I have been considering things like deduction, reasoning, intuition, and truth.
When I say truth it brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. I figure either they are strong cause you have considered it alot or "eh, don't care". If the later comes to mind probably reading is not your strong suit, there will be no videos or coloring activities in this blog post so you might as well mosey on... but, if you actually do care what I think truth is read on, I will start easy and obvious.

My kids accept things that adults say as truth. This has been explained as a trait that was vital to the resilience of mankind, alright. I too believed and hoped fully in things that I had been taught. Infact, almost daily I am thinking about something I unequivocally accept in my structure of truth only to thing perhaps it maybe a weak link, like I discover many times when working on family history. I used to just trust wiser individuals than I had researched and prodded until they unearthed this truth so it simply was correct, and a few things I doubted ended up with an explination. It was true, therefore if it seems unlikely, it is explained somehow,  I just do not know how.

So, my kids believe 100% in a story we all know called "Noah's Ark." ok, but the story seems unlikely for many, many reasons, and it does not even phase,me because I have played the game telephone. And I know that stories often evolve, like the bed time story last night about what a child tells his father that he saw on Mulberry street. I have been taught that the Bible is a very good book and contains words from God, and allows us to learn of him, but it often fails to convey the exact true principles because of translation errors.

In a series of novels by Robert Jordan, we learn that stories over time evolve into legend and eventually myth, this is referred to, in his world, as the Wheel of Time. And so it makes sense to me that there is truth to the myth making it valuable. Infact, I recall a video I watched years ago saying this regarding the Bible: "It does not need evidence because it is true not factual."

I was telling them about the daughters of Ham who were killed because they would not deny Jesus Christ. I paused. I was referencing this story because I had told my kids that being constant was valuable, cause, they said I could not change my mind cause I had made a deal, and I was so happy they provided a teaching opportunity to teach about covenants. In concluded with me saying that if we make a promise we must keep it, and never ever ever changing our minds regarding a thing is rewarded. Then I needed to recant  that because my mind was flooded with " but, but, but..." so, I taught how even if terrible things must,be suffered we needed to stay honest and true to what we said.

Now, what troubled me is things I believe that contradicted eachother. There is likely an explination, but if the story of a man building an ark and the whole earth being flooded was actual, there was a real dilemma. The three women were referred to as daughters of Ham, who was a son of Noah. Everyone alive had to be a descendant of Noah, huh? Um, but what about the story of Cain... I digress, sorry. So the distinction of being called a "daughter of Ham" merely meant that the individual appeared dark of skin, or what we call African American today,  although most dark skinned folk I know are not from Africa...but, it was dealt with in their day with some story, but cause I was telling my kids, I started to think,  wait a sec, how did Noah's family produce a dark skinned people?

Maybe, this is a way evolution can fit in with religion, it must to be true.

Also consider where the giants or philistines came from.

Ok, I must get bavk to work, I still have not yold my story of my Mulan mixtape and how it makes me think of a scripture about intelligence. Later...I promise.

Espoused

It is hard to even comprehend, but what devotion! I love the idea of being espoused, because it requires a commitment and devotion to demonstrate devotion. It is a much more believable thing than any sort of dowery or expensive ring, which are intended to demonstrate devotion.

I remember a new beginings in WA when a seminary instructor told us how he had given several promise rings to girls in hopes that at least ONE would be there for him when he returned. The funny turn in events was that two of the girls bragged to eachother about their missionary, who was the same person. Ofcourse, only one of them ended up being his wife, but as funny as it would be to tell more of his story, I wanted only to say how much respect I have for those who behave as if they were married although the marriage has been neither legalized or solemnized. And still it is legitimized in their minds. But, I think if it had worked it would still be working instead of privately promising. I guess what I am saying is that I have no real faith in the promises of others especially without evidence, a sacrifice of buying an expensive ring is a great idea, if The person did not easily buy such a ring. Plus, when I was looking at marriage, waiting to prove any committment sounded rediculous. Hence, I recieved only one real engagement ring, and it worked in making me think twice before I changed my mind, but if we had been espoused publically which required public accpuntability to change my mind that would have been so much better (so says the girl who has never been edpoused).

Sorta unrelated, I feel like... what the heck must be done, sweetheart?

I started thinking this because I was pondering Mary's agreeing to be the mother of God though she had to know that no one would believe her, but Joseph did.

Dowery is a pretty good idea because it calls for social accountability, and pressure from families, but thinking of those involved, I see several problems that arise from such an institution.

Being espoused publically is good to me because, someone is expected to maintain respectable life as if they were married, although, everyone knows theyj aren't. That is what makes Mary's story seem so devious because she did have any and all opportunity to be unfaithful to her promises, and break with Joseph and instead Marry the true father of her child, except for divine intervention, so Joseph was aware independently of her innocence.

I guess what I am saying, in a long drawn out way, is that I believe her story because of what Joseph did.

Great Compensation

This is a great title to a book, I will likely never write. I thought about Dickens as I wrote it. And how similary, I would like to present an idea of how we are tripped up or maybe lured would be a better word, either way, it is an old school way of beguiling someone by making them think it is a fair trade when it isn't.

Ok I was going to write briefly here about how so many people are sellouts or maybe I should say beguiled and do not know it. Because they know nothing of what they could have they only seek temporary rewards that seem permanent.

Many go so far as to say, there is no God or afterlife or reward, and trust only in what they can know now and so they seek what they can get now.

I have heard stories  of a study that was done with children offering them a huge reward now, or a bigger one later, and when left alone they almost always cannot resist  and seccumb to eating their "sure thing" treat because it is irresistable and the future is unknown.

Have you ever wondered why God wants us to call him our father if we had no begining? I think it has to do with the similarities of situation whereby we can learn lessons we will need. Sort of what I told a dental assistant once, how I felt like what I was going to say should be televised on a program called "thing we say in a dental chair" or more ominous "confessions from the dental chair". I only told her that she would learn so much from her children when she had them. I was not aware that she was currently expecting. I just think there are monumental lesson to learn from understanding how our role as parents is similar to Heavenly Father's concerning us as his children. I felt so indebted for everything that was done to help me. I thought reminding her of the sacred blessing that not just babies are, but children. I think that is why we call him father because he is our greatest role model, and what father isn't?

A Type or shadow...

I was just giggling about this thought, so I wanted to spread such realizations. My kids are always saying the darndest things. I smile alot because such conclusion besides being absurd, they never even occurred to me. It is like beta testing software and never even imagining such a way to destroy or crash the program.

Anyhow, so as I was thinking how I didn't want to change myself, I just wanted to be beautiful and appreciated as such by someone, and I thought, "well, God loves me and thinks I a beautiful" so continuing that thought I wondered if God gets such a kick out of our "brilliant" scientific, even ideas. I started thinking about all of the brilliant things I thought and imagined them to potentially be as humorous to an Eternal Parent.

Sex and love are not the same thing

Ofcourse when it asks sex on paperwork it is not referring at all to love.  I think somewhere along the line things got confused. Sure, sex in that context refers to the sort of being we are in regards to making a family.

A church I have been instructed clearly that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But, because so many peopke translate that to saying that love should only be between a man and a woman.  It does not and it sort of frustrates me a bit that people get so up in arms about  defining love by gender. That makes NO sense. Sexual love only makes sense when gender is an issue, but every child who gets to live understands that. Families, referring to a way to propigate, have a man and woman for less obvious reasons, too. Sure a child could possibly be raised by one sex, that is not anything anyone ever questioned. But, for the best possible arrangement children ought to be raised with two distinct viewpoints and abilities designed to generate a world of balance and love.

I grew up being taught that certain desires and appetites were inborn and by design to create a strong enough bond to create a strong family. But, that is not a thing I call love it is like a reflex, how we love food or music, a preference. The trouble arrises when the question of " what if I prefer to build a family on a foundation of same sex?" Is it love? I do not rightly know, as frustrating as that sounds,  I do not know, I do know that for a strong family it is a good, true thing that it needs to be built on a relationship between aan and a woman.

As a teenager, I was in a discussion with a woman who claimed that she and her husband were simply not compatible. I was confused, because I saw things much more simply then, clearly every man was compatible with every woman. I got upset eith her and thought, "well, I know enough that I will never ever get divorced." Um, I thought sex and love were synonyms.

But, sometime into my divorce I was watching an episode of "Bones" where Seely Booth was explaining sex as a facet of love. It was a feeling so powerful that you wanted to occupy the same space as another. Actually, there was no way to actually satisfy the need to be one. Brilliant. It brought back my childhood images from "Dark Crystal" where the Skeckzies and Mystics finally become one literally as the crystal was whole. I wanted that, but how then did I end up thinking that because I tried love and it failed, so I woild marry for a solid foundation.

I ought to have known what I do now. It is like when they tried to build the Salt Lake Temple and discovered cracks in the limestone they were using for a foundation. A family needs to be built on love, real love,and it is hard even then, but without it a healthy family life is impossible. Yes. I believe that. A solid foundation needs two parts, a man and a woman. And who are deeply in love and committed to keeping a promise which will be a strong enough foundation to handle anything throen at it. A person in my SS class said that the closer we get to good the harder our trials become and we cannot even comprehend the struggles our leaders endure for our sake. Sou b ds like a good marriage.  It is the case for my brothers and sisters.

On the flip side. I heard a girl say how it was better that a couple not try to build a family for the sake of the children, actually, they are getting the wrong lessons, by your actions. I do see how children are getting a wrong idea about how their life should be. I based mine off of how my grandparents were. They had seperate rooms and that became my gial and ideal because surely that must be right because they suceeded in everyway I  hoped to... better get something done today...