tower blocks

As I was studying this morning I thought of something. I am old enough to disclose secrets to help others discover truth, despite being able to logically understand great truths yet, even knowing they are necessary.

It is always the best practice to start a huge project by choosing an overcomable part, like cleaning a room or a likewise daunting task. You start by doing a thing you can.

In 7th grade. I asked a student how they could do such difficult problems so quickly. I wanted to be able to do it, too. She showed me how it is always a matter of breaking the problem into smaller issues. For instance 2354 plus 2435 is actually smaller problems of 2 plus 2, 3 plus 4, etc. This was so eye opening. It is the same principle as cleaning a very messy room by folding clothes and putting them where they belong, and throwing trash away, etc.

As I was working as a preschool assistant for years. I made almost too many block towers. Children do not instantly start building them, but think to get higher they put them one on top of the other. But, I would challenge them with a tower. I would build them in a more precise way knowing full well that though slower and more blocks were needed I would be able to build higher. Eventually, through that example, the kids would begin stacking in the same way to reach heights previously unobtainable.

This morning, it is the exact same principle I want to suggest in gospel study. There will be truths that seem improbable, but if we build safely and securely on what we know to be true we will be able to safely extrapolate thing we previously could not comprehend.

being nice

I can't stop wondering why every nation or society, or grouping of people's appreciate being nice.

Just on my mind was a episode of a show "Mossad 101" where a person used reasoning to figure out that they would succeed by being altruistic and making a personal sacrifice for others. I think the show succeeded in causing an emotional reaction when it was announced that this would not do anything to help the person and they were removed from the society (course). But, later the same character who appeared not to value altruism later demonstrated a great deal of it as did others making it clear that among many faults, mankind has a trait of kindness and such compassion is it's greatest trait. Growing up in film and television and such the saving trait of our kind was referred to as humanity. It seemed to me that the writer's were trying to use their "voice" to calm any worries that machine would ever ursurp man.

It is true, that if a person is nice or sweet it is universally appreciated the whole philosophical argument of morality being determined  by natural sense and reflection of such. Being considerate and kind is cross-cultural. There is more to it. It is easiest to explain.... Ha ha without finishing that thought I recall occam's razor... Though the notion that were are all connected or children of God, aka brothers and sisters. 

Cue "Ode to Joy"

ambition and espionage

Lately, I have been creating a new paradigm to explain my choices and what they will be. While I was watching "Downtown Abbey" the movie and thinking about, among other things, how we are all pawns being manipulated by others and how so much of life can only begin after we no longer take part. One thought, to explain my unlikely obsession, was to recall ancestors who though descended from Kings and queens were commoners and seek out their due, add to that the ambitions on my mind of the Imudeans and their desire to create a different kingdom, and how even that is all made possible by the Gospel I have learned through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So, either it is completely true and thus applies to anything even things I make up, if they are true.

     Recently, I was caught up thinking of conspiracy, possible conspiracy and espionage, and I wondered if we take our desires and addictions with us after we die.... Pause to consider my use of the word us, as if we are the spirit, not the body.... So, it makes sense that ancestors would have ample time to plot and scheme to get their desired results like Heathcliff did in "Wuthering Heights".

testimonies

It is natural that such a topic weighs heavily on my mind as the begining of the month approaches.

Thinking a whole lot about what I believe using as an arsenal all of the things I have learned. I want to be sure. 100%sure of things, and I am sure it will occurr to me in some miraculous, shareable way. But, as I thought about how badly I wanted to be confident somehow The following thought came to me:

Perhaps, you doubt because your only merchants of a truth are mistaking emotion for God. Too many bear witness of thing in such an untrue way that I start to doubt, which is actually good. The fact that I recognize their suggested truth as false does not mean the truth itself is not true, only that the way it is presented to be is recognized by as shakey. Let me give an example to clarify my words.

A Catholic priest bears a testimony that Jesus is the Son of God. And He is, but further he explains how such a position has been reached and I know that much is not correct, but it does not follow that Christ is not the only begotten.    .... I keep falling asleep typing this...I'll write later

think, believe

I said I knew something. But I really only think it. Which lead me to deciding on this relationship:

Believing is to Faith as thinking is to knowing.

just taking a pause break to record a thought

It was an unexpected occurrances, it happened, (it being a thought), when a lecturer was explaining the two types of memory. My first thought was that perhaps the unconscious memory is what is what I consider eternal. Ok. Then an example was shared of a man who had brain damage to the point that he had absolutely no concious memory. I recalled seeing this dude and thinking it surely was an act, but it was proven he was legit like Dory (on Finding Nemo, the Disney cartoon). But, a task was given him each day, which he had no recollection of doing and yet he would improve by the repitition. It was like lightening struck me. That is what is missing in my lack of improvement. I practice and practice and practice but each time my performance is as if it was utterly new. I decided a while ago this was muscle memory failure. I simply lacked the ability to communicate with my muscles properly. BUT, then the lecturing guy explained this situation proved undeniably that there are more memory sources and though one did not work (the concious my memory in this case) the other obviously did. I thought, "well, yeah, his unconscious memory was being used to record eternally significant tasks." Pause the video.

You seeing what I am? Maybe I am being subtly encouraged to go work on other traits because those talents were already perfected and I am entirely misdirected in seeking success....blah, blah, blah...

using power

I had a great deal to think on yesterday as we discussed how to use a power granted us.

First off, I must apologize for the word that I came up with, as it conjures images of Gandolf (from Lord of the Rings). The word is wield. It was not my place to question publically, but I felt like the great things that could come from such a discussion was thwarted because it had been turned into a discussion on how, once access had been gained, to wield a power instead of simply using it. Because I said nothing regarding this mistake and I listened to miraculous tales, I felt perhaps, in my own way, I could share my insights here.

The power I am going to refer to is the same power that created the Earth (as well as life itself), and also was the same power that, when used to heal and forgive was cause to call someone blasphemous to death. So, though I do not seek death for my words, I will share them here.

I am constantly reminded how much I use the power of the preisthood. I do not wield it, but without it's restoration, the authority from God would not be on the Earth and without the authority to baptize the very atonent would have been for naught! But, because of baptism and the sacrament, I can use the gift of forgiveness if I choose to perfect myself. That gift alone is almost constantly on my mind (after all that is a covenant, I make weekly).

Sure, there is so much more. In the early church of Jesus Christ as well as with and Church ordained of God, he has sought temples. There are many reasons for this, but I have always thought how important it is for God to have a place among us. That was why in my early twenties I formed a theory with a scripture study group that and reference to mountains was a temple reference...um, that wasn't clear. Let me explain. When Moses sought to commune with God he climbed a mountain, and when people thought they had it figured out and we're going to bypass a temple on Earth, they built a mountain-like tower (called the tower of Babel). It was common knowledge that to get closer to God one needed to be higher... (Not going to follow, merely note the LSD thought train)

So, as the saints of Christ's church sought to build a temple on earth, tremendous sacrifices were made! They knew that without the power of God, they would not succeed in building the kingdom of Zion on the Earth.

Likewise, our own loved ones must have opportunities, which can only be performed though preisthood power/authority in a temple. And we want to make such a opportunity available to all mankind.

But, in General Conference (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) the prophet said that Everytime we attend the temple we not only use that power(which is awesome to consider we really can) but, that we are endowed with that same power and the very angels watch over us. Wow! I do not know about you, but to me that is a claim/blessing I want to understand more fully. I never even consider wielding the priesthood, and frankly I would not want to. It is a bit like getting employment. Sure, I could do it, and probably better supply earthly good for my family, but I am not asked to do it... I could, but do not really want to anyhow. I was fascinated by the stories of how loved ones were healed and such by women, and maybe that is a point for me to discovery later on in my journey, but for now it is enough for me to understand what is available and be blessed with the opportunity to seek out and bless my loved ones.

There is so much I do not understand at all, but I was upset by the confusion of how using mean wielding, and felt the need to share my two cents, and now I can return to my daily routine...tah tah.

It seriously never occurred to me

I was thinking about what I loved most about others or why exactly I loved them further what it means to love them, and while I was thinking about how mankind seems to need connection and how the whole purpose of life boils down to connecting to whom we love most. But, nothing new to consider there, the new thought was that, and see if you see the "connection", our creator whom we refer to as our Father has asked us to communicate with him. It requires faith, but he promises to hear and answer. I cannot even comprehend how such a thing even could be done, but I believe it, and have testified of many manifestations of such promise. So anyhow, there is a scripture that says that what father if you ask crud, I have to look up the exact wording...

Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?

Then it goes on to say that if a mortal (limited abilities) father knows how to give good gifts, think how much better an eternal heavenly father (omniscient and omnipotent) would be at giving gifts. And I recall a meme of a girl standing with a tiny stuffed bear you and refusing to give it up stating that she loved it, but God had a better one behind his back ready to give to her.

I also (my age is showing) loved Feivel's song from American Tail:

https://youtu.be/l_iRdgGZ6Xc

Having just researched it, man, how did this never occur to me he even mentions prayer! But, in my mind it was all about the moon being a shared object, and likewise  I always find comfort looking at the same moon whenever I feel alone (at night). But, what dawned on me is that if I believe it possible then I can pray to heavenly father and he will know my heart and mind and bless me accordingly, though chances are I will not think so at first. It is actually crazy to think I could even comprehend what I truly need, my own daughter often asks for things that she wants confusing them with what she needs because she would never ask for what she needs and often she thinks I am ignoring her or  not getting it. I try so hard to explain, but though not giving her everything she wants breaks my heart. I love her too much to do so. Although, similarly I do not expect to understand, I will ask and be heard.

It is so hard to have eternal perspective when I do not even know what to prepare for...

Us, them...

Was it always and us vs them mentality. I can think of it no other way. It is as if my being was hardwired that way and without a them there could be no us. Well, this morning, I am not sure the cost was worth it. I do not need psychedelic drugs to imagine... Do I?

Seriously, this all originated with contemplation of why opposition, always. I mean could one be them without opposing us? This is likely left over dross from choosing good guy bad guy sides where the lines are blurred...in fact, it is becoming less clear and less clear, until it fades into a hunch.

Today is a find the hidden truth day!

Usually on Wednesdays I go to the temple and ponder the pictograms from the book of Abraham, but today my pondering will take a different direction.

I will be trying to uncover enough that two contrary facts become reconciled. If they do not, at least I will be wiser and have the opportunity to practice more patience and trust in things I cannot yet understand.

Actually, I already do regarding other things namely black holes. I have never seen them, heck for all I know Australian doesn't really exist. But, enough evidence is out there and line upon line, discovery upon discovery, on the backs of predecessors I can conjecture, but this is due to my ability to simply trust things I have been taught in public school. Oh, I have a cute story!

Anecdote time!

I was at the University of Mississippi and I had grown tired of my fun with the computer lab, so I went to the library to just sort of breathe in the books for a while. Plus, there is something awe-inspiring about the library there. I would spend hours using the computer card catalog. The way one search lead to another reminds me of how I assume my ideas jump or "fire" in my brain (nueron activity). So, I decided to stop that and look around in the stacks for the most beautiful book and check it out!

I found a glorious looking book, it smelled old, too. I wondered if it could actually be checked out. (Wait, don't judge a book by the cover) I thought, someone must have really really valued this information to put such a cover on it and it's pages were begining to yellow. I checked it out entirely unaware of what it was.

In my dorm room I pulled it out and was unable to read a bit of it. It was written mostly in Latin with occasional diagrams and a lot of mathematics. I decided that this was a declaration to my soul that math, which I neglected, WAS important.

Eventually, I flipped to the cover page to discover it was Newton's Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica. I did not understand a word literally, but spiritually, I learned a lot.... Socks and shoes time....publish....more later, maybe

It's a good thing...

As I was thinking some stuff my exact thoughts were: You hear yourself? I was thinking after an LGBT Fireside, sure it worked out, but they could collaborate and make such a perfect story. I remember my terrible situation and feeling such things and Everytime I concluded the same impossible solution. I wish my situation was so cookie cutter and easy to see how to act.... Um ok, you are thinking Crazy thoughts, Melissa. They just vehemently expressed how unique their situation was, because it turned out so wonderfully does not change the terrible heartache they endured. The spirit was teaching here, did you miss it? It was obviously orchestrated that you be there and hear exactly that. Well, still, if my mouth spoke my thoughts they would sound impossible, but that is exactly what I concluded time and time again.

I need to love more. Even then I will still never earn the sort of life I desire. So what, instinct may be to hate and seek vengeance. I have even momentarily, mind you, considered how to escape by killing. Love, love, love.

Although at dinner Nick told Mary to strike back if someone harms her. This is ABSOLUTELY not how things should ever be done. My instinct is to find peace in solitude because I am miserable and misunderstood, in the fireside it was suggested that we speak up and become more involved, again, against what I might naturally do. But, oh well. I will love...and largely because I see the great good it did with Bennett and his husband at the time. Their divorce was necessary but amlicable! Enough....bedtime.

Captured my imagination

My thoughts are consumed to the point that if I do not find the solution I will not be able to rest.

My realization comes with accepting that there are constants, and operating within them is possible. At a very young age I faced a serious question regarding the age of the Earth with the existence of Dinosaur fossils. I quickly decided that such creatures formed oil which we needed to advance, ok, so that is not a real answer. But, if we keep asking, and allowing our minds arenas where truths may be shared and accepted, impossibilities become real. My mother told me that we needed not to understand everything, but just accept that God created things, but even he needed to obey to create and surely I can appreciate that. Which opened the door for a discussion where someone shared what they believed. That the fossils truly exist on our Earth, but that does not necessarily mean that Dinosaurs ever even lived on what we refer to was Earth.

Even if I struggled to follow that notion, the portion of truth I did incorporate into my reality, which is sort of McGuyverish is that for a thing to be true I need not understand how. Even if MyGuyver was trapped in a box that meant certain death, there was likely a way out that I was oblivious to. This surfaced again when the whole DNA reality challenged what I believed regarding the Book of Mormon peoples. Mom thought the whole doubt rediculous. We do not only believe because it makes sense, but to help us in times when we cannot yet make sense of a thing. So, I believed and eventually more was uncovered scientifically to prove my original ideas were completely founded on scientific reality.

Ok. So, though hard to understand somethings right now, I can trust that there are rules that I may be yet unaware of as yet to explain why a thing, or in my present confusion, how a thing is accomplished. It makes sense in terms of a TV show I just watched where the Hero is impossibly placed in situations to appear to have muddled things up, irreparably. But, a woman continues to believe in him and explains that regardless how things appear, she trusts this guy, and in the end her trust ends up justified.

So, is reality a creation, much like a poem or musical composition? When the genre changes, with it the Rhythm, Timbre and such change and become new tools, could this be true with reality, too? With the technology of an era what is real is documented differently, but it is taken into account by those who create it? My ultimate question is how can so much "transparency" be used to create the sort of reality I want vs. the reality that someone else wants and how to I converge them?

Hah! I quickly recalled an piece by Charles Ives where he fuses two genres in one saying that this one piece is of two separate bands being heard during a parade. Brilliant notion! I have much more to think of...

Howie Day songs

Whenever I listen to the songs of Howie Day I get very pensive. There is a line is Collide that says, "you make a first impression..." And the more I thought about regretting the first impression I had made in a situation or two, I felt bad. Goes back to repentance, I guess. What if Saul only got one chance at being and could not ever change, and by Saul I refer to the man the Bible refers to as Paul.

Beethoven?

Excuse me.

So, we do get to change and my thought was that perhaps in some cases we do not need a second chance just a very very long first one. Now, I am thinking of quantum physics which always makes my mind turn to God and I thought how for him all is present, so no need for first impressions if we truly focus on becoming eternal beings.

Understanding repentance

So, to repent, according to my daughter, we need a sactioned ordinance to sort of die and be reborn. That seems to go against what things I had been taught or feel, but it is working in me. I can feel it, although I do not yet understand it.

Repentance is not just improving what is. Repentance is changing what is.

Walking away

I just saw a quote that disturbed me, because it felt like laquer. Sure, it filled in cracks and looked nice, or made for a nice facade, like homes for sale in Tennessee, that have new vinal paneling placed over a faded paint job. It looked great and new while underneath a real wood exterior rotted away. This quote felt good it touted health would be achieved through simply walking away from things one did not like, and I have had to learn from experience that is not the right approach. It is true that at times a situation or person is toxic or harmful to our health, even physical exertion can feel painful, but avoiding the person or situation is like side stepping a mess on a pathway so that someone else can deal with it.

Although, I cannot suggest running  headlong into an undesirable situation; I do not condone walking away from it. I suggest making whatever alterations must be made to turn the situation around. True health can result, and though it is harder to repaint an entire home, and would appear better perhaps to simply cover it. In the long run, the effort will both be more honest and improve a situation for the future. I feel like that is what is needed in many situations rather than just walking away. This applies to many situations and people. I felt the need to say such because I naturally want to accept such a solution, but realize that it may not be the best long-term (eternal) solution.

I feel supported in this notion through these talks:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2002/09/choosing-and-being-the-right-spouse

https://youtu.be/sQ1yLFIEVNo

Everyone?

Yesterday, someone sat right beside me on a train. Honestly, I had to pretend to be having the conversation because I could not hear much of what was said, but a few discernable things piqued my interest. He said, "you don't Look like you are feeling fine." I started to think about the book 1984 and how the hero (Winston) says that looking a certain way is easy enough.

How did I appear to others?

I quickly answered any trace of unplacicity (readable on my face) was due to concern about learning to let go and trust my children. He said a whole lot, and I couldn't discern much beyond that it was very wise rhetoric and this guy was mentally challenged in someway and I ought to keep conversation very simple and surface level. Then, he said a thing I am still repeating in my head, " oh come on. Everyone rebels at some point." Truth is, on every level. I always and always had been a good drone (an obedient individual). I sort of defined myself as one who obeys or has learned to align my desires with those expected of me by others. I assumed this was survival. Oh great, now Darwin is added to the mix of thoughts generated by one thing some semi-sane stranger said on a train in downtown Salt Lake City.

If...

I have always been fascinated with the notion of if.... it's a part of life, no?

Well, I was listening to the Nickelback song "If Everyone Cared". I had a thought when the song was pontificating what life would be like if people truly cared, the part "like you and I" that made my thought raise an eyebrow.

Oh, if everyone truly cared there would be no divorce... I mean if a family mattered enough we would care enough to endure for the sake, right? We would just need to "swallow our pride". Ok. That part clicks, or resonates with other things I have accepted as true, but the whole " like you and I" thing still makes me think...

Who benefits?

Qui Bono?

It hit me like a ton of bricks to realize that I have only had marginal successes in my various pursuits because my aim has always been selfish.

I am not naturally self-centered nor is it my goal to serve myself, yet that is exactly what I do.

When becoming a mother, which is very strange to even consider that I ever wasn't, I focused on others out of necessity. I always thought it odd and notable though how often we are reminded that in order to help others we must see to our own needs first. Oh well, this is not that.

Most specifically, in making videos I actually intend to share insights, like now, but my motivating goal is to show others that I am of value, too...just look at my thoughts! If my purpose had been to improve my audience, I would have improved content, and that will help me reach a new height.

Look at videos that are truly valuable... The self is almost always off camera or unrecognized and it does not matter, the information does.

Tower battle lessons

My son is going to be an incredible man. This is a thing I have always hoped and am yet astounded at how much better he will be than I even imagined.

As this post title suggests it was inspired by the revelations that poured in after playing with him for a bit today on Roblox.

Before playing, I only heard music from the games an ocassionally ansewered affirmatively when asked if I saw or liked what the kids did. It has replaced Minecraft as the number onecontender for attention around here. It allows me to get so much done, but I had to play along with them now to see exactly what they spent so much of their existence on.

I was pleasantly surprised to see my little boy was choosing to learn how through strategy cordinate different specialists to achieve a win over the many minions and bad guys who came wave after wave. I also noticed hiw easy it was to think I was good when I played with him because he always protected me and used his great power to make things easier for me.

When we had multiple players one player seemed to act counter intuitively by using earned income to place a DJ. The whole game is stratagedy and this seemed wrong to me. When he could have afforded another soldier. So, I asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT ON EART DOES A DJ EVEN DO?  Ends up, he was sacrificing his strength to help me cause Joe asked him to. A DJ made my attacks mire powerful and efficient aswell as allowing me to upgrade more. How thoughtful! We won! And I am sure I would not have done so alone. The game brocasts a message before each game that reminds the objective and that no one method always works. I thought, except teamwork!

A lesson a few weeks ago for FHE was about strengthening a family, based on a talk by Boyd K. Packer. An in it he told a parable which was a much deeper explanation of the roles of men and women and how they depend on eachother.

This is my answer and why I did not get the apartment or job when I certainly "could" have achieved such objectives ifI wanted to. It is better for me to allow Nick to provide for our family.

I have no doubt that I COULD provide and acheive as I see logical or best as I see things, but that is not the best thing for me to do in this family right now. I learned that from playing tower battles with my kids today. And I am glad they choose to play such games that teach them such brilliant and needed life lessons.

Being careful

Like a train I cannot derail because it looks unpleasant ahead. I literally cannot. I found a lot of inspiration in Sister Craven's conference talk this morning.

I have been promised the opportunity of being sealed to one who would love and cherish me. God keeps his promises. I am sure of that. I need to be constant in my promises, and repent of any failure to do so.

If sacrifices are equal to the blessings and all exactly like were previous. They would be exploited and anyone could gain great blessings through like sacrifices. I guess that is what motivates suicide bombers...

I absolutely know that the reason we are to come here blindly and build our families is so that we can learn the things that only family life can teach. Gaining a body is a given, keeping it is more important and most important is to find someone to create with and start something necessarily for eternal life. So families might not be necessary for temporal success but they are what I wondered wouldbe important eternally.

Joy

I wonder where I got the idea that attraction right now will not equal the joy of finding peace in an other existance. But, my actions have almost always been out of whack with what is going on around me. It made me question things like the guy sings about in that song " World" by 5 for fighting. https://youtu.be/1JDY1KvoQYk

I wonder if I am just chosing to play by their rules afterall in deciding why I am not following their rules.

So, if I choose to build the sort of family I think I need. I chose that it is more important to sacrifice the want to fall in love and figure that is only "mortal" anyhow... There's more to this than love. But, it feels like agame show where you can take a prize which is awesome or trade it for the possibility of a greater thing hidden behind a curtain. I almost always take the sure thing, yet in this case I say " forget reality, I want the opportunity to be really happy instead of sort of happy right now."

Ugggh! Heavy considerations always do this to me.

Brain type

Late at night I tend to figuring out my thoughts only difference between me and most is that I don't dream it I do it while awake. It often feels unfortunate. Dreams seem a much more fun and even sensible way to let our ideas run wild.

It is an already established thing that our brains work differently, right? Well, I do not have a neat little lable for my method of thought (thus feeling). I merely KNOW that my thoughts are not what one considers "common" sense. One of the biggest indications is in a classroom setting, a teacher points out a topic found in a passage and then requests comments and I can sense the truth in what is said, but generally my thoughts were entirely different unless trained to conform with the masses. I think that is a reason I do not like large groups of people unless I am in someway the leader.

Also, my mother does not process any sensation of smell.No big deal, right? Wrong. Things do not smell...our brain assigns that attribute, so if it is not included in a memory, it takes up considerably less ammount of whatever our brains use to save memories. Over a few years such a thing would leave large swaths of unallocated space which would add up to more useable brain power. Or the fact such a difference would be undetectable by others makes me wonder how much of what I sense is not actually shared by others. Recently, I learned about proprioception and it has always been a part of how I sense the world. Maybe, like gravity there are more forces of the universe that are sensed in varying degrees by others just not acknowledged like Isaac Newton did for gravity. Being aware of it didn't effect that it just WAS. And recently, quantum physicists acknowledge that in some cases the "truths" that we study and use to interpret and communicate the world around us may not be as "universal" as we thought.

This one is "out there" but it is like a claim found in the phantom of the opera. As I consider my growth and development opposed to my children. They lack a sort of inner compass that I had, and I often think, "hmm. How can I explain such a complex principle in a way that they will understand?" All the while, I thpught I was self-taught becausein many things my way of thinking of it differs from my parents. Um, the thought is that perhaps why I love ideas so much is that I had a sort of personal tutor (I use that terminology because I lack the words to express how ideas come). I am not believing that any person is teaching me in a way that I understand but my brain works very well and that is because of how new ideas were introduced. Below is a clip of how I can best describe my experience:

https://youtu.be/7lG2zPKo9e4

Legends of Tomorrow

I have been watching this DC comic TV show and almost always a thought wells up regarding what a significantly important era we live in particularly for women. Without delving into specifics, this time is a time like no other for women and instead of being thankful and using the freedoms we have to bless others(which seems a good reason for wanting this power in the first place) women want more and they become as power hungry as the male dominated society they first sought to be equal to.

As each era is visited the distinctions given to this one become very clear especially in the roles that may be filled by  a woman. Setting this show aside, it was also clear by the novel "Jane Eyre" which could not even be seen as being written and published except through an assumed pen name which was male because of the strict social norms of the patriarchal society. Let alone the fact that Jane was herself an orphaned woman who still was self sufficient. Could it be possible that a woman actually had worth beyond being a male sex toy? And yet, women still obsess about appealing to men or usurping their dominance.

I applaud the equality and wish I held a great remote control to hit the pause button. So we could simply come to appreciate how much we have gained before we loose any femininity in seeking more power and domination.

What hurt's the most...

The oddest things have transpired I still need some cushion in the form of time to weigh and consider it all. My first most sure revelations which I am no longer afraid of disclosing:of all things, my family matters most. No question about that ever. And I am not sure of how much time I have wasted and how much I have left, but I simply cannot leave any stone unturned when it comes to being sealed.

I was going to leave for home as soon as school was out. But then, today a thing happened that made me rerealize where I was actually needed, but why I need time is because I know enough to know that at times me have to seem to do the opposite of what seems to be an obvious choice to reach our long term goals.

So, like I said, I have a whole lot to weigh out. But like most of my mental training suggests to me in games like Go or chess, though my end game is clear my strategy is weak. On lumosity i play a pirate navigation game where I know that I could accomplish my goal but mental fatigue after a few moves/consequences are weighed I give up knowing the right move will be revealed but I will loose...so what, huh?

The most amazing thing happened at the grocery store. As I was preparing to shop I asked myself a purely rhetorical question. And my instinct answer to myself made me giggle. I had an actual chemical/brain reward sensation. But, then I sensored my response to be more sensible and as I entered the store the song was playing " what hurt the most was being so close and having so much to say..." and I laughed at myself again cause I actually did have so much to say (cue Somewhere in Time monologue https://youtu.be/c87niQNda-o ) but, admitedly I would neither say or do anything. This explained the dichotomy of my person. I need to figure out who the heck I am.and what I want without always having time to consider while considering my life results that I am forced to regret came from obeying instant desires.

https://youtu.be/7qH4qyi1-Ys

Truman Madsen

Ok, I finally found it. THE THING that solidifies my testimony that. Everything I wanted to believe is worth believing once and for all.

I was sort of casually listening to an audio cassette in my car and on it Truman Madsen was talking about the humor of Joseph Smith. Honestly, that was one of the most appealing things about the gospel Of Jesus Christ as taught in Mormonism. Just watching conference one sees and feels a great appreciation for any who can see humor in reality. I always watch thinking....now, That is my sort of thinking!

I used to think that I lived in what was quite possibly the most humorous ward and stake ever! And it meant something to me. I loved attending institute because I was sure I would appreciate the way I felt. But, that is not my life-changing testimony. Just a side track of many! -

So, on to what happened. A man came to Joseph Smith and told him that he had been visited by an angel... The man in his disclosure mentioned the wardrobe of the messenger to which Joseph told him it was all a hoax. The man was furious and called on God to rain fire down on Joseph and his family. It did not happen and Joseph Smith said the perfect thing...I am sure we are all thinking it. He told the man that his God probably didn't hear him... Maybe he worshiped Baal, etc. etc.

(that is one of my favorite old testament stories)

My testimony is that Joseph Smith was absolutely a prophet and thereby spoke for God and served Him (accordingly knew and loved Jesus Christ).

I thought wait a minute let me be skeptical. Suppose Joseph was a fraud and charleton. This man could expose him. But, Joseph firmly declared that this man was false which he could only do if he was certain for himself that he had spoken to God. This also removed any doubt that the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal was an actual thing that happened (cause if it was it is undeniable evidence that the tribes of Israel are a chosen people!)

I need to take care of Martha (sister of Lazareth) things like dinner and kids... Brb

Then I considered, perhaps Joseph knew for a surety there was no God and that was how he knew it was a hoax

Oh forget it! That was a pretty arogant assumption anyhow. We are supposed to believe without knowing. Walk by faith sort of thing...yeah, but why? I'm not done yet.

Just wanted to add this new thought. I realize others may think this is more likely evidence, undeniable, that Joseph Smith knew there was no God, but taking that assumption it snaps back to being a testimony for me because there would be no retaliation or need to fulfill any prophecies and he would be entirely free to do as he please allowing for any sort of behavior by means of a dogma. But, he didn't, infact he suffered all his life and was martyred. Let alone the proverb that unequivocally states that if you train a child in a certain way, he will return to it and from his childhood we learn of a great amount of religious/pious teaching was done by his mother and father who stand behind him 100% as well.

I was willing to consider the thing I learned from watching "The Prestige". I learned from the extremely unexpected Long-con of the Chinese man who faked others by creating an illusion of his everyday deformity merely so he could perform a trick where he hid a fishbowl in his gown. That it is possible for a hoax to be pulled off through a number of perfectly calculated moves as in a game of stratagem. But, he simply could not have even known what to prepare for throughout a whole life.

The conclusion I am both prone and forced (through consideration) to accept is that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. And so this church he established must be the Church of Jesus Christ of Lattet-day Saints.

What hasn't been revealed

Since my early years the song "what you won't reveal" by Tal Bachman has disturbed me. Usually, it becomes the origin of some great science fiction where some means is created to violate (that word seems harsh) one's very personal thoughts.. But, as I was thinking deeply this morning I thought about a thing I certainly believed and that (don't know where I heard it initially) "Truth will out." I really like this line: "truth is what truth does. And there never was anything that was true and false."

Summed up. I think there is a way to extrapolate from what is sure to know what is not yet certain. Scripture says plainly as much as well when it says that faith is the evidence of things not seen, that are true. And at a pivotal age I was taught that the purpose of mortality is to learn to "Walk by Faith."

Lately, I have been studying out the evidence that Jesus Christ of Nazareth was the Son of God. Previously deciding that it was an emperor's new clothes sort of thing. Because, my best known indication comes from Peter acknowledging it as true and being told that the only way that can be known is through spiritual revelation.

Then, this morning as I was preparing a lesson about forgiveness and brotherly kindness. It occurred to me that it was the greatest homage to a man to allow him to near constantly be in my words and influence my actions. In the words of Edward DeVere from the movie Anonymous "...people. Hearing the words of one man's mind, now, that's power." he was referring to the influential power of a play, but I thought hey that is like gravity that I fail so often to even notice because it is always present. Jesus is always part of my mind and teachings but why should he be? Yep. Get it?

Then I understood by nearly millions of things, let's just call it evidence, like a randomly played song to a little glimpse here and there that had not been as random as I supposed. They clearly reveal what has never been revealed formally.

Astrophysics

I think I have visited variations on the theme for years. I wrote a sincere letter about why I wanted to attend an engineering camp in high school and really struggled at last between chemical engineering and music. The determining factor was life. Music just fit and required less effort on my part.  I still remember my mother making spagetti and me sharing an epiphany that everything was science. Even music is scientific to me... Just less understanding and more um...feeling. Perhaps humanity or philosophy.

But, I then stumbled on my true talent which is teaching. I absolutely love it and feel destined to do so, but so often my attempts are thwarted. But, I thought it was merely hoops to jump through to prove my saying I could do a thing.  I finally recognized something in a moment of brutal honesty that there was an issue that looms around legitimacy and it is The reason why I feel like I don't belong. It has constantly happened in totally diverse settings. I do not think it can be learned, either. Two teachers suggest that I am too nice and fear being a teacher. Instead I try to become a friend. Even with my own children. I am not at all forceful. They are expected to make their own choices. This works well with Joseph, but Mary Anne needs to be told what to do.

I fell asleep, but publish now, edit later...maybe.

My most heartfelt prayer

The jist of my most sincere prayer in sometime was in behalf of my 3 oldest children who need more than anything to understand the whole Easter thing and that people actually do live again. And when they understand that they understand further that repentance is possible so that that Eternal life can be as full of potential as ever.

I want so desperately to hold them each in my arms and tell them such things with my physical tongue, but instead I will pray that someone somewhere will fill in and speak the words in person that they both need and will comprehend at this time when their dear grandfather passed away.

What I think to do is pray and pray I will. I hope to share any peace of mind that I have with them. I pray for their step mother and father as well. What more can I do?

Are those Mormon people Christians?

My psychology professor would have a hayday with that question. He likes to argue that God never changes so a church to be Godly must also never change and the name appears to have been changed to better fit what trends. However, the religion has not changed. It's mode of worship or label may have, but it has been said by a man much wiser than I that a rose by any other name would smell so sweet.

I had been referred to as a Mormon and a Latter-day Saint, but what I believe has remained. Further, I do not only "believe" in Christ. I like any other of my faith loves Jesus. We preach almost solely of Him. And I call myself by his name as I have promised and I attend church regularly expecting to be spiritually fed and reminded of our Savior's purpose.

So, Yes. Mormons are a denomination that is Christian.

Echoed advice

Be there. Show up, it is amazing how much responsibility others give to those they can count on regardless of any other supposed talent. Just do it.

Almost every great advice giver EVER has suggested that doing a thing is far more important than perfecting it.

At church people get "callings" usually stating that they are the least qualified. The skill comes after the doing.

My mom gave me the best advice when I was afraid to run at the gym because of my inadequacies. She said others would not even notice my lack of form they would actually derive strength from my putting myself out there. I would actually become a role model admired for what I accomplished because of my obvious inability. It would make my "handicap" be for something.

A guy said a thing that stuck like glue to me. "It is amazing how much I gain just by being there." I got to thinking and this guy was right. No one even suspects he is some great vocal genius. I do not even think that I Have heard him sing, but he is always in the choir and has come to embody the choir and is often given special assignments pertaining to the choir.

I was actually on fire spiritually and still look back to a situation for inspiration and through it I learned many great lessons. I was depressed and could barely speak without great effort, but I agreed to sing a solo because I was asked. I honestly figured something supernatural would happen. No really. I believed that somehow if I did this thing I would somehow be heard differently or suddenly be able to sing. I never was able to, but I did it anyway.

I used to be quite the pianist, but shortly after I was out of the hospital I was asked to accompany a group and it was sooooo painful let alone the emotional pain of failure. The only way I survived was thinking that I was needed. Then, one day a mother told me that I was setting the best example for her children. They had a family home evening about accepting callings, and the kids spoke up and instantly started talking about me that it was obvious that I could not play piano but I still tried. I was soo happy at that point to be a failure cause it truly helped others whereas if I had played perfectly as before I would probably go unnoticed.

In my life, my greatest regrets are times I did not do a thing because I reasoned why I should not. Likewise, I Fully regret doing a thing because it made perfect reasonable sense, so I just figure my spiritual compass was broken and I Just ought to use my sense until a future point.

The point I have not made yet is that at one point in my life I decided to act upon any supposed prompting regardless of the amount of sense it made. One time, keep in mind that I am not a hugger. But the impression was undeniable to go give a woman a hug. So, I wanted to be someone trusted and given more duties to do to serve God, so I approached this stranger and said, "I am supposed to give you a hug, I apologize. It probably seems really weird. So, anyhow..." and I hugged her and it left an impression and was a thing that she actually spoke of later. I was VERY glad that I ignored my thoughts and acted. I believe this is the thing I am missing thus far in my life. There is a Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day" and my thought is that everyday action ought to unchange if it is my first or last day.

Stress reduction

So, Instead of working tirelessly on what could be a perfect lesson. Instead, I Use the time to prepare for the next lesson familiarizing myself to the point that I could answer any question regarding the information and I ask myself a lot of "tangent" questions and notice applications in everything around me. Then I become the teacher and the lesson. I do not need to feel bad that a point wasn't ever gotten to or that the classroom environment never went as predicted. I am there and the scriptures are there, so the lesson is part of me and regardless of what points are discussed they will be ideal and I become a facilitator of real education instead of feeling like a failure.

Of the many thoughts...

I have thought out many thoughts worth sharing in hopes that my time and efforts might be of use to anyone. But, instead of writing them I have instead been reflective and such thoughts have been wiped to make room for new occurrences.

One such occurrence is that I Had been so wishy washy because I had too much worth or mortal value. But, things are clearer to see and delineate when my options have been winnowed.

Among things I need to consider getting fat and unattractive helps actually, because I was overly concerned with being attractive enough, and although I will be again. I have no doubt, right now I am extremely unattractive physically and I remembered a video where the underlying message of a pile of food being transported somewhere and being attacked by a large flock of birds was that it is not always good to attract attention. In my case, Finally I can see how not seeming of worth could be an advantage... As George Washington held to: " It is better to be alone than in the wrong company."

continued...

After contemplation and appropriate time to do so I find that the closer I draw to God the farther I am from Nick. By default, I gravitate to what I think is Godly. What I mean by that is that whenever I experience a terrible trial, whether by my own doing or not, I turn to pray or my scriptures to cope. Previously, I was married to a wonderful man by any standards, but I kept feeling like I was needed to do something. I spoke of it,and then pushed such an inclination away.  Because, any logical reasoning suggested that it was improper for me to not be happy in my current situation. Then my choices were taken from me and I realized what I had done and I vowed never to have my agency taken from me again. Seriously, my illness was of such that I was rendered nearly incapable of doing anything.

I got one choice and despite feeling like it was not a very good choice, I took it. well, there are many positives that result from any choice and it is in seeing the positive that I find solace, but the expense is that I become numb and blind to the bad, and only this morning have I realized that I have lost my agency. It terrifies me. I will rectify that at any cost.

I had decided that my family was first and foremost. Of course it would be difficult, but worth it. But, despite my choice to strip back what had fallen apart and do over or salvage what was good, nothing happened. I cannot communicate with my husband and beyond that I have absolutely NO trust or confidence in  him to make good choices or support me in good choices. despite what good I have found, there is no love. absolutely none. I am in no way ready to make another choice, but I do trust what the Lord promises that I will be loved. I believed that I was loved and just needed to overcome whatever obstacle was keeping me from communicating with my husband.

I remember hearing someone talk about being so lonely and needing someone to speak to about simple things like their day, but I think it is far worse to be married and still completely lonely. I have marveled at how many times and things my husband has done to show me how less than anything I matter to him. I am 100% sure that my welfare is of no concern to him. He has  constantly removed all doubt on that account. Again, I was of the mindset that I must surely be the one at fault, but as I prayed this morning was assured that this was not the case.

John 21:16-19 ¹⁶He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, LORD; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁷He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, LORD, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁸Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. ¹⁹This spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when he had spoken this, he saith unto him, Follow me.

Divorce

I stayed when I was miserable because I made a vow to never divorce again. Ihad children as an incentive, but after yesterday I had to pray a whole lot! I even reconsulted my patriarchal blessing. The talks yesterday focused on receiving personal revelation specifically two people shared personal experiences where they came to situations where logic would not work and a choice needed to be made. For a moment I felt glad to have such a situation in my life whereas others might not be able to grasp the extreme importance of believing and calling on a greater power. It was interesting to me(and a confirmation) that people create situations and opportunities for themselves and "God" really is not waiting for us to ask which choice is right, but He will help us understand how to navigate such situations. As I read my blessing I was told that my prayers would be heard and answered and that I am loved although I might not understand God does and my biggest trial of all is to learn (KNOW) how to proceed, because I am promised that my end goal will be accomplished. From that I can infer if I wasn't also warned that accordingly I need to have an eternal perspective. I used to think it meant being patient if things do not seem like they would work cause they will. But, instead I see how damming making a vow like, "I will never divorce again." is. It is as if I vowed to never repent again because I was baptized.

Eternal perspective brings me back to my little Salt Lake Temple metaphor. It is better to tear down and start over while I can before it is too late, if a thing is going to last it needs to be perfect.

This morning I was going to leave the house without my glasses. I was still by home, but Mary was in the car. Eventually, it was because Mary was in the car that I decided to go back inside despite telling Joseph not to let anyone inside and I locked the door but left the keys with Mary. Joe let me in and I got my glasses. I can see fine to drive and I have another pair in the car anyhow, but I care enough to see well especially when driving with a child in the car. Do I need to explain what that has to do with divorce? Jesus spoke in parables so that only those who understand will.
    I have more to think about before I express such thoughts. They are potent and need to be diluted...

Artificial

I am not sure how many years ago but it was a long time ago I was obsessed with the whole Vocaloid thing. That obsession ended when A neighbor friend introduced me to her real-life obsession Jared Leto. Several contemplation led to the same conclusion that how we were perceived did not matter nearly as much as who we were. Wait a minute what does Jared Leto have to do with it? Ok.I will delve into that thought, since it was the igniting spark.

First of all I did not know at all who he was. And every time I made a conclusion I realized it was but a facet of him. I mean what would I really be allowed to see or know anyhow. He is a popular rockstar, yes, but he is also a professional liar a.k.a actor. Given what I know of vocaloids combined with his technical prowess he could actually be crafted by my neighbor afterall everything I learned of him was through her, perhaps she was a proud parent. Thoughts like that lead me to the Matrix, God as a Heavenly FATHER, etc.

Suffice it to say, as I overheard the music my daughter was listening to this morning I thought "I could do that, why don't I?" It is all rediculous and artificial. I have a real existance and purpose to live for already.

More than I know

Most of what I appear to be is all the perception of the beholder. Honestly, I am more like a spider in that I am terrifying to others but in reality am far too scared and scurry out of any sort of light (limelight being the one that makes me look humble but I'm just afraid). I use ideas like my youngest eats her dinner. I act all voracious because I start so many interrelated thoughts that when interlinked and fully consumed result in great truths. But, I would never have the audacity to even say most things if I actually knew what I was saying.

IG: one time I got into a debate with a scientist about Atomic Absorbtion at a research lab when I was only in high school, but I actually do not, nor did I ever even know what it is. I merely picked up on key words that were shared with a recent study I had done on paper chromatography soaking a drawing in water. It was an innocent mistake that I decided to pretend was an intended expirament, btw. And the funny thing is that I won the argument and the engineers at Aerotek told my teacher how brilliant I was because when they were my age they didn't even know what Atomic Absorbtion was (really neither did I. I was merely trying to impress some guys in my class who probably thought I was an idiot cause I did not know anything about the rpms of various disk drives opposed to CD roms used for memory storage.)

So, bottom line is that if I come across as cocky or way too wise like I must know something that seems impossible, it probably is. It is just the way my neurons are wired. I find similarities in things I understand to things I do not understand. If I understood I would not flaunt my knowledge of such things anyway.

Ignorance is bliss, right? Well, let's just say I am extremely happy.

If nobody knows you

If nobody really knows you how could they ever claim to know God?

More trust less thought

I asked my son to explain the differences he perceived between the words mind and brain, and I knew that it would not be regurgitation of things I had already taught him because I had not ever spoken on this topic. His ideas of course fit right in line with mine, they always do because he is my son. This makes me think of how things become or exist in microcosm and microcosm everywhere so it feels natural to believe that things greater were created by something greater and more capable, sounds like a parent.

I am convinced that there is a God but not because I reasoned him into existence, but because I undeniably know it. I have always been scientific in that I start in belief and theorize and then aim to prove. Accordingly, I have been waiting to know the way to prove things I know to be true about a Heavenly Father, but finally figured out such a thing makes sense, but does not originate with reasoning. It is the absence of knowing (by definition) to believe. And if a man wants to know it seems pointless to live.

Unless...

Things are known by other means. If a man prays God surely will grant them that information.

I see a huge downfall through the very tool to raise up, namely religion. Rhetoric works to teach a man the things he seeks to know of God, and aims to teach a man to pray, but ultimately It has trusted too much in itself.

I have even heard people question if everything believed was a lie when they found that somethings were a lie, as ultimately man will realize (just look at history). I love a talk spoken by a prophet Gordon B. Hinckley where he speaks of Christ being the center piece and the cause of all reckoning (hence B.C. to A.D.). It is pointed out how long Christianity has survived despite the attempts to thwart it. Although, a psychology professor tried to point out flaws in the religion, it only was "taken in" by those who live by reasoning. Surely, it is easy to reason out how religions are incorrect. They seek to lead a soul to Christ, and what a nobel thing that is to do. Still, it is not the religion that will "save" a man, but Christ himself.

Blah, blah, blah... I am still trying to use language and understanding to lead one to knowledge, perhaps it is because I care too much, for some odd reason, about wether or not friends and loved ones will make it...imagine life as being like a dark tunnel or cave to be passed through. Once through or having seen light I want to place mirrors strategically to guide others through, assuming we all originally intended to pass through. It only now occurred to me that perhaps others intended to stay in dark corners or something. Well, if someone knew a way through and did not share It with me I would feel hurt.

It all started with Big bird

Years ago I happened upon a video where parents shared insights about growing up with Sesame Street. I bet a whole lot of research went into The development of it's episodes as well as characters. There was a time when I had so reverence for the program I figured the only people who were allowed to be any part of it must be super human. In college when considering career options I paused for a moment to consider one day being good enough to audition for a part on that show, but it was only a moment. I would never be able to achieve that sort of prowess. Putting my great respect and admiration aside another comment drew my attention and it seemed commonly expressed by then parents. The comment was that most awe wasfor Big bird because he was so big, and it was something they all aspired to.

I remembered those comments my first days working as a headstart assistant. Though, height never once crossed my mind as a child I thought I bet it is on their minds. So, I decided to play the part of an equal who was already grown up. And I stood up to show them all how tall I was and opened up a conversation about what we all had in common (having been born).

My mother often expressed a love of a children's show called "Wonder Pets" inthe show the tiny individuals worked together getting great things accomplished through team work. If it was significant to my motherthan even if I did not understand how it WAS significant. I wanted each and every child to feel empowered by community, or as wonder pets sang "team work".

Then, today, I stumbled on a TED talk where a woman spoke about how essential it is for every child to feel like they have a champion on their side or as I would like to say "team".

A long story...

It starts with a dude named Zacharias going into a temple to burn incense. I was explaining to my daughter how incense represented prayer. And how God was going to answer Zacharias' prayer regardless what what seemed impossible. The discussion took us many places one that I thought had been burried long ago when she lost a little skirt to a super tiny Elsa Doll years ago. She had been praying because She had been taught to do that and believed enough to act accordingly and when she did not find It still, she did not decide that God did not hear or answer prayers but came and asked me to help. So, I prayed almost the most earnestly I had in my entire life. But, we never found the skirt. It did not shake our testimonies in the least. I just rationalized that it was such a petty thing that God was not giving us a solution because he has to draw the line somewhere and that really did not require Heavenly aide. But, I was nagged to go revisit my prayer. Upon doing so I realized that it had been answered!! My prayer was that her testimony would be increased and that through that experience she might be blessed to know that her father in Heaven loves her. Check, check. It was pretty much that she wasn't answered as is typical that caused the situation to stand out in my mind and call for a better explination.

Another example that I used was of the Island Princess Moana. On shore she set out sailing to find Maui. Because she did not know anything about sailing her situation was in danger...serious, danger. She asked for supernatural aid and was shipwrecked as a result. Her first comment is alot like Zacharias not appreciative because it was terribly misunderstood. She said, "Um, not helping." She was capsized in the ocean, then a huge storm came to her "aid".She was sailing with the intent of finding Maui and ended up on his disserted island! Maybe, that is alot how things work for all of us.

Figures

Lost mine. But it led to brilliance. I was thinking about how stupid sizes are. Today, I examined all my clothes because a woman asked me what size I was looking for, I told her that I was unsure. Should I look for clothes that fit me now or in two weeks.

I perceived that she thought I meant that I was expecting a weight change due to a diet or something. Not so. I merely was noticing how rediculous. "Sizing" myself was because no two companies use the same standards and even if they did I cannot even fit into my own clothes from last year! I laughed at an old roomate who tried on a wetsuit of mine and claimed that it would fit if the torso was longer. She was a large girl and I was on the extreme side of thin. Plus, I was a great deal taller than her. But, today many of the larger clothes were still a small size when I have no doubt that I am no longer a small anything. It is frequently said that one can hide a lot of weight with height. And I think that is the case. I have steadily been gaining weight only it was too subtle to notice the gradual change in size/weight.

Enough time?

I bath in with time, like I actually own it or something. I doubt I will have the time to complete this thought, for instance, but Here I go, anyway.

Is it just a phase of life that we are preoccupied with obtaining love? Cause, I seriously wonder if that ship has sailed for me. It makes me wonder what will ultimately matter to me. "Oh, don't worry over that. Worry is thought or of the mind and truly does not matter."

For years, I loved and now when I think on love it is his idea that comes to mind. But, I have consigned myself to a state of wishful improbability or in other words I accept that impossibility and you know, it really doesn't matter much. What does matter is the tender hearts of my children who are still capable of experiencing true and powerful love.

I often heard the term "past feeling" and it was negatively associated but from a place whereI honestly do not feel anything it is actually liberating.

So why is So much focus placed on caring...most specifically caring for others?

Shoveling ice? I truly do not understand that metaphor, but that is the comfort I am given.

When I am the Hero

If I were to watch my life as an epic tale though in comparison to the accepted "norm" my actions would seem rediculous and they often do, to the omniscient viewer I would appear praiseworthy. Love would be a strength actually, my grand integrity and unfailing devotion with no return or even any suggestion of what may happen. I simply loved once and true regardless of how circumstance changed.

What do *I* intend anyhow

I will say plainly so as to remove all mystery. It is not the usual motivators that move me to act. Usually, it is sex, money, fame, etc. I want realness.

I think everyone does as a common denominator.

If I pray for you, you may not want it or like it. Apreciation does not motivate me. I pray for what you need.

Dad used to say, " too often, people give up what the need for what they want right now." I actually do care what you want right now, but my ultimate desire is for what is needed: Cue "5 Needful Things" (song)

In preparations for testimony meetings

I periodically question why people meet together monthly to testify what they know to be true. Ultimately, I always determine that the act itself, regardless the lens through which I currently view it, is a thing God has condoned because of his love and understanding of mankind and their tendencies.

I was considering how difficult things create strength and as a teacher of young children, I often must let them struggle to achieve a true understanding of a thing that I could simply do or tell them. But, it is through allowing them to form their own internal conclusions that character is actually built.

God could simply say a thing and we might believe it or not. Or, He could allow us to figure it out for ourselves and then share what with peers what we learned. In classes, I see how much more effective and convincing a truth is if shared by a fellow opposed to the same thing taught by a teacher or book.

Still, as a child I used to wonder a whole lot about why people ask us to regularly tell "the choir" things they already know.

This morning I read this (among other things):

it has been demonstrated that groups of participants who walk, sing, or move their arms in synchrony with each other show increased liking, trust, cooperation, and self-sacrifice than groups performing the similar behaviors but not in synchrony

Now, I need to copy and paste a thing I read years ago from the hymnal (book of religious songs which are sung together):

Inspirational music is an essential part of our church meetings. The hymns invite the Spirit of the Lord, create a feeling of reverence, unify us as members, and provide a way for us to offer praises to the Lord.
Some of the greatest sermons are preached by the singing of hymns.

Ok, those might be the actual words, but my "take away"  was that when people sing the exact thing together with others it creates unity and solidarity...God knows this and that is why we sing together weekly.

This helped to answer my question of why share what we believe with our peers.  It is a glimpse of what truths we can see reflected in our community and it also helps to unify us, much as singing in synchronicity does.

God's timing

Even the angels and prophets see a thing as happening much quicker than it actually does.

That's just how things work out. It is something to be glad for alot of the time.

My choice is... No choice

Stupor has finally left me.

Previously, I had supposed not knowing what to do meant the thing was not worth thinking about and whatever I had supposed was surely a waste of thought and it should be abandoned.

But, I keep coming back to a certain choice I had been pretty certain was wrong and felt relief at realizing it had merely been a stumbling block intended to waste my time. But, here I am again. Like Jonah or maybe more like Abraham who was told that his elderly barren wife would have a child.

The solutions I prayed about did not feel acceptable to me so, I decided to pull a Brigham Young, as portrayed in the movie "Mountain of the Lord". When faced with the hard task of facing the saints with heart breaking information refused to budge until he knew what to do. Or, like Nephi and his brothers when asked to get the Brass plates from Laban. Laban refused to give them the plates. I feel like I have reached a point where I acknowledge that none of my good choice worked. Obviously, there must be one that does work and God knows what it is. My choice is to stop trying to solve things on my own but instead decide not to do anything. If God wants things done he will surely make a way. I often thought about poor teenaged Mary who had a very difficult choice and no one seemed to be on her side. But, God was totally able to fix everything for her, like give Joseph a vision of his own so that even if he disbelieved her initially he knew on his own the will of God.

That is a trouble of giving people a choice. My husband does not need to choose correctly, no matter how much I pray and hope for him. "Oh no she didn't." I just thought that maybe I hadn't forgiven 70 times 7 times yet. And the spirit says, "don't try to turn scriptures on me. Remember when I told Nephi to slay Laban but to not kill is a commandment."

Ok. There are times and ways I cannot begin to understand. I merely want to obey the ones I do understand.

Another thing that weighs on my mind is how often I sin by omission. Sometimes hearing myself lie and it was never intended but it is done simply to avoid confrontation which would harm the thoughts of the children or the "spirit" of the home. And the children are considered at all times and costs
For example, one time I was trying to put Mary back in her bed in the dark to avoid turning it on, although I needed to see for my balance. Subsequently, I fell and manuveured in such a way to protect her. She did not even wake up; however, I did severe damage to my back which caused months of pain... Looking back, ahhh heck I would do the same thing!