Obviously saying "I Love" doesn't convey the meaning I mean. It really mkes you think about all of your perceptions. I wrote a poem about the word love once, anyhow, I use it too much and have inflated it so that now it is become unuseful in its deflated state. I want to simply say " I love reese's. " but aside from the ET jokes i must use another more neglected word, to be fair. I esteem them, and find great pleasure in their consumption.
Here's the story: I bought a picture from ebay and put it on my wall. my daughter saw it and said who is that? I said, "oh, it's Tal Bachman. I love him." I meant that I esteem him and his thoughts and use the poster to remind me of who I can become, buut my daughter went home to her dad and told him that I had a picture ofmy boyfriend on my wall, innocently when he asked about my posters i told him that I had a poster og Tal on my wall, that's when things got escalated. It lead to accusations of adultry even, with something so harmless, but to Brandall, he always felt threatened by my obsession with musicians, Namely Tal and Kevin Montgomery. he even told my parents that I only married him because he looked like Tal. ok, being fair, Tal Bachman is very attractive, but if he were dog ugly I wouldn't care. IT is his mind and such that interests me, and his keen use of talent. I see him as a kindred spirit. I know to alot of you, it seems like a delusion, but I only think he got lucky. I do not esteem his talent over my own. I do not belittle myself to hero worship him, only I see his sucess as what mine could've been. oh, I digress.
I am going to try to not take the easy route and say love, I'll show deeper appreciation by generating my own words no, not new words, to describe how I feel about things.
here are two songs for appreciation if you are still trying to understand what I mean:
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Twilight
I was side-tracked by Nickelback, but as I listened to the Audio book Twilight, ok crud, let me write down this old song before I get started:
Its the sunrise of my life.
It's the dawn of yet to be for me.
It's a time for reaching high.
ok, that's it, I just had to type that so it didn't bother me anymore.
I have been contemplating alot of things, te one I wish to verbalize, on the internet, has to do with Matt Smith. Probably, I ought to keep it to myself, but the novel had a way of letting you in on "omnicient secerets" then coyly saying that they spoke otherwise, it was mostly because Edward Cullen could read her thoughts anyway, so acting did no good.
ok, I act like I do not care much for him, and have only loved him as a friend, when I actually could have done otherwise. Now, I will tell the magical story of how I found him the second time. Though each time was magical!
ok, I worked at Pizza hut in Corinth and my boss wanted to do a "food swap" with China Palace. ok, let me explain, this is as it sounds. two corporations who sell food make a deal and exchange food with eachother. This is a thing greatly appreciated by employees. ok, Matt, had worked there during college, and my heart raced to think of him actually being there. I went into the cooler to say a little prayer, and it dawned on me to mention his name to my employer. he asked about Matt and was told that he had left. this bewildered me because he was supposedly going to marry a girl who lived in Corith and got him the job, I think. oh well.
I was fillipantly told that he moved to Memphis, so I called my best friend, LeAnne Smith and told her the news. I was not sure how she would take the news, but she agreed to call directory assistance for me. she asked his name, and strangely, i remembered his full name, which is not typical. anyway, she found his number and arranged to meet up with him at some strange parkinglot, err gas station. so off we went and the rest is history. lots of kickers I really ought to have included, like that he moved to Oxford after I left and is now in Nashville. oh, he is a hoot.
I lost him again shortly after his birthday when he went to go live with his best friend's girlfriend, Jackie, in Austin, TX.
thought are flooding in faster than I could possibly record them, sorry. My fingers cannot keep up with my thoughts since the stint in the hospital, as I will call it. I can type with mt right hand. on TV a guy asked, are you right handed. answer was yes, then the interrogator beat his hand with a baseball bat and said, "It's a shame. Guess you're going to have to learn to use your left hand."
anyway, I have gained insight here that will allow me to be happy now, when I wouldn'y have before. my question was: What's good enough for now might not be good enough forever. a thought inspired by the book/movie Twilight.
I admit to understand Bella all to well. I too have felt that in love and loved washington, and been uprooted, and to seattle and port Orchard, another story for another time. I'm seeing potential chapters here.
ok, I better go get my stuff done.
Its the sunrise of my life.
It's the dawn of yet to be for me.
It's a time for reaching high.
ok, that's it, I just had to type that so it didn't bother me anymore.
I have been contemplating alot of things, te one I wish to verbalize, on the internet, has to do with Matt Smith. Probably, I ought to keep it to myself, but the novel had a way of letting you in on "omnicient secerets" then coyly saying that they spoke otherwise, it was mostly because Edward Cullen could read her thoughts anyway, so acting did no good.
ok, I act like I do not care much for him, and have only loved him as a friend, when I actually could have done otherwise. Now, I will tell the magical story of how I found him the second time. Though each time was magical!
ok, I worked at Pizza hut in Corinth and my boss wanted to do a "food swap" with China Palace. ok, let me explain, this is as it sounds. two corporations who sell food make a deal and exchange food with eachother. This is a thing greatly appreciated by employees. ok, Matt, had worked there during college, and my heart raced to think of him actually being there. I went into the cooler to say a little prayer, and it dawned on me to mention his name to my employer. he asked about Matt and was told that he had left. this bewildered me because he was supposedly going to marry a girl who lived in Corith and got him the job, I think. oh well.
I was fillipantly told that he moved to Memphis, so I called my best friend, LeAnne Smith and told her the news. I was not sure how she would take the news, but she agreed to call directory assistance for me. she asked his name, and strangely, i remembered his full name, which is not typical. anyway, she found his number and arranged to meet up with him at some strange parkinglot, err gas station. so off we went and the rest is history. lots of kickers I really ought to have included, like that he moved to Oxford after I left and is now in Nashville. oh, he is a hoot.
I lost him again shortly after his birthday when he went to go live with his best friend's girlfriend, Jackie, in Austin, TX.
thought are flooding in faster than I could possibly record them, sorry. My fingers cannot keep up with my thoughts since the stint in the hospital, as I will call it. I can type with mt right hand. on TV a guy asked, are you right handed. answer was yes, then the interrogator beat his hand with a baseball bat and said, "It's a shame. Guess you're going to have to learn to use your left hand."
anyway, I have gained insight here that will allow me to be happy now, when I wouldn'y have before. my question was: What's good enough for now might not be good enough forever. a thought inspired by the book/movie Twilight.
I admit to understand Bella all to well. I too have felt that in love and loved washington, and been uprooted, and to seattle and port Orchard, another story for another time. I'm seeing potential chapters here.
ok, I better go get my stuff done.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
2009
Actually, today is Nick's Birthday, and I will remember it as the day that I had the worst headache imagineable, lots of things like resolutions are floating around in my thoughts, just brushing against my perceptions casing smirks then disappearing into what is my whole concept of being, so they do effect me but will not be spoken of directly in this post.
As I was praying very seriously almost in lamentful way because the guy I was obsessed with is married and that ought to be happy, huh? then, bam! I thought, haven't I gotten everything I wanted? well, yeah, guess I have, rather I have gotten everything I needed, just haven't been too lofty about my wants. except for cash. I would really like to have enought money only to do the things that I desire. I have this crazy idea that a job will do this for me, but now I understand something great! let me try to explain. Joy isn't purchased. oh, wow! who doesn't know that? no it goes farther just ask Annie Lennox: "Money can't buy it. Sex csan't buy it." I get what I need by doing what is right.
I think if I took a job then I wouldn't be learning as much because I would be a bit more self-sufficient whereas I am learning a great deal more in relying on others for help. If my goal was to be self-sufficient, then I would do so, but that isnot my goal, it is the goal others place before me cause they think that I am too stupid to know what I want. the best explination was that it was important that I become a contributing member of society. someone organized and runs this society, so I would be doing what they think is best.
My place is right here. Nick was bewidered and asked me the otherday, "why don't you smile more?" he has a point. but I said it was because I wasn't happy. he further prodded, "What else do you need to be happy?" I think, um, maybe my voice and a piano, but all I said was a car. ha said that can be taken catre of as soon as I get a job. ok, I am good at means to and end stuff. so I figured, life is good, like nathaniel Hawethorne, I'll improve on goodness (birthmark). I'll get a joob so that I can get a car, but is it just me or if I get a job, I can get my own car, etc anyway.
then this week I had three interviews and also read lots of news flashes about how terrible our economy is doing and Utah declared a freeze on hiring. oh well, god is most powerful. It doesn't scare me. if I was imntended to get a job, it would happen, like sarah having a child in her old age, nothing is impossible.
But then a flash!
I have a warm home, food, internet, everything really, it is only because I am selfishly discontent that I do not laugh a little. I am making so much progress. I can walk and run! and play wii. I ought to go ice skating! I giggled a little, i need to be focusing on things that I can do for others not what I would do if oniy...
I am still obessed with Chad Kroeger, not the real person, but the idea. I'll recreate him in Nick's person, perfection! i also have a grand new idea of something I am going to accomplish, so just contemplating it makes me smile. guess I ought to get back to crocheting an Afghan for nick, he'll be here too soon.
As I was praying very seriously almost in lamentful way because the guy I was obsessed with is married and that ought to be happy, huh? then, bam! I thought, haven't I gotten everything I wanted? well, yeah, guess I have, rather I have gotten everything I needed, just haven't been too lofty about my wants. except for cash. I would really like to have enought money only to do the things that I desire. I have this crazy idea that a job will do this for me, but now I understand something great! let me try to explain. Joy isn't purchased. oh, wow! who doesn't know that? no it goes farther just ask Annie Lennox: "Money can't buy it. Sex csan't buy it." I get what I need by doing what is right.
I think if I took a job then I wouldn't be learning as much because I would be a bit more self-sufficient whereas I am learning a great deal more in relying on others for help. If my goal was to be self-sufficient, then I would do so, but that isnot my goal, it is the goal others place before me cause they think that I am too stupid to know what I want. the best explination was that it was important that I become a contributing member of society. someone organized and runs this society, so I would be doing what they think is best.
My place is right here. Nick was bewidered and asked me the otherday, "why don't you smile more?" he has a point. but I said it was because I wasn't happy. he further prodded, "What else do you need to be happy?" I think, um, maybe my voice and a piano, but all I said was a car. ha said that can be taken catre of as soon as I get a job. ok, I am good at means to and end stuff. so I figured, life is good, like nathaniel Hawethorne, I'll improve on goodness (birthmark). I'll get a joob so that I can get a car, but is it just me or if I get a job, I can get my own car, etc anyway.
then this week I had three interviews and also read lots of news flashes about how terrible our economy is doing and Utah declared a freeze on hiring. oh well, god is most powerful. It doesn't scare me. if I was imntended to get a job, it would happen, like sarah having a child in her old age, nothing is impossible.
But then a flash!
I have a warm home, food, internet, everything really, it is only because I am selfishly discontent that I do not laugh a little. I am making so much progress. I can walk and run! and play wii. I ought to go ice skating! I giggled a little, i need to be focusing on things that I can do for others not what I would do if oniy...
I am still obessed with Chad Kroeger, not the real person, but the idea. I'll recreate him in Nick's person, perfection! i also have a grand new idea of something I am going to accomplish, so just contemplating it makes me smile. guess I ought to get back to crocheting an Afghan for nick, he'll be here too soon.
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