2009

Actually, today is Nick's Birthday, and I will remember it as the day that I had the worst headache imagineable, lots of things like resolutions are floating around in my thoughts, just brushing against my perceptions casing smirks then disappearing into what is my whole concept of being, so they do effect me but will not be spoken of directly in this post.

As I was praying very seriously almost in lamentful way because the guy I was obsessed with is married and that ought to be happy, huh? then, bam! I thought, haven't I gotten everything I wanted? well, yeah, guess I have, rather I have gotten everything I needed, just haven't been too lofty about my wants. except for cash. I would really like to have enought money only to do the things that I desire. I have this crazy idea that a job will do this for me, but now I understand something great! let me try to explain. Joy isn't purchased. oh, wow! who doesn't know that? no it goes farther just ask Annie Lennox: "Money can't buy it. Sex csan't buy it." I get what I need by doing what is right.

I think if I took a job then I wouldn't be learning as much because I would be a bit more self-sufficient whereas I am learning a great deal more in relying on others for help. If my goal was to be self-sufficient, then I would do so, but that isnot my goal, it is the goal others place before me cause they think that I am too stupid to know what I want. the best explination was that it was important that I become a contributing member of society. someone organized and runs this society, so I would be doing what they think is best.

My place is right here. Nick was bewidered and asked me the otherday, "why don't you smile more?" he has a point. but I said it was because I wasn't happy. he further prodded, "What else do you need to be happy?" I think, um, maybe my voice and a piano, but all I said was a car. ha said that can be taken catre of as soon as I get a job. ok, I am good at means to and end stuff. so I figured, life is good, like nathaniel Hawethorne, I'll improve on goodness (birthmark). I'll get a joob so that I can get a car, but is it just me or if I get a job, I can get my own car, etc anyway.

then this week I had three interviews and also read lots of news flashes about how terrible our economy is doing and Utah declared a freeze on hiring. oh well, god is most powerful. It doesn't scare me. if I was imntended to get a job, it would happen, like sarah having a child in her old age, nothing is impossible.

But then a flash!

I have a warm home, food, internet, everything really, it is only because I am selfishly discontent that I do not laugh a little. I am making so much progress. I can walk and run! and play wii. I ought to go ice skating! I giggled a little, i need to be focusing on things that I can do for others not what I would do if oniy...

I am still obessed with Chad Kroeger, not the real person, but the idea. I'll recreate him in Nick's person, perfection! i also have a grand new idea of something I am going to accomplish, so just contemplating it makes me smile. guess I ought to get back to crocheting an Afghan for nick, he'll be here too soon.