What hasn't been revealed

Since my early years the song "what you won't reveal" by Tal Bachman has disturbed me. Usually, it becomes the origin of some great science fiction where some means is created to violate (that word seems harsh) one's very personal thoughts.. But, as I was thinking deeply this morning I thought about a thing I certainly believed and that (don't know where I heard it initially) "Truth will out." I really like this line: "truth is what truth does. And there never was anything that was true and false."

Summed up. I think there is a way to extrapolate from what is sure to know what is not yet certain. Scripture says plainly as much as well when it says that faith is the evidence of things not seen, that are true. And at a pivotal age I was taught that the purpose of mortality is to learn to "Walk by Faith."

Lately, I have been studying out the evidence that Jesus Christ of Nazareth was the Son of God. Previously deciding that it was an emperor's new clothes sort of thing. Because, my best known indication comes from Peter acknowledging it as true and being told that the only way that can be known is through spiritual revelation.

Then, this morning as I was preparing a lesson about forgiveness and brotherly kindness. It occurred to me that it was the greatest homage to a man to allow him to near constantly be in my words and influence my actions. In the words of Edward DeVere from the movie Anonymous "...people. Hearing the words of one man's mind, now, that's power." he was referring to the influential power of a play, but I thought hey that is like gravity that I fail so often to even notice because it is always present. Jesus is always part of my mind and teachings but why should he be? Yep. Get it?

Then I understood by nearly millions of things, let's just call it evidence, like a randomly played song to a little glimpse here and there that had not been as random as I supposed. They clearly reveal what has never been revealed formally.

Astrophysics

I think I have visited variations on the theme for years. I wrote a sincere letter about why I wanted to attend an engineering camp in high school and really struggled at last between chemical engineering and music. The determining factor was life. Music just fit and required less effort on my part.  I still remember my mother making spagetti and me sharing an epiphany that everything was science. Even music is scientific to me... Just less understanding and more um...feeling. Perhaps humanity or philosophy.

But, I then stumbled on my true talent which is teaching. I absolutely love it and feel destined to do so, but so often my attempts are thwarted. But, I thought it was merely hoops to jump through to prove my saying I could do a thing.  I finally recognized something in a moment of brutal honesty that there was an issue that looms around legitimacy and it is The reason why I feel like I don't belong. It has constantly happened in totally diverse settings. I do not think it can be learned, either. Two teachers suggest that I am too nice and fear being a teacher. Instead I try to become a friend. Even with my own children. I am not at all forceful. They are expected to make their own choices. This works well with Joseph, but Mary Anne needs to be told what to do.

I fell asleep, but publish now, edit later...maybe.

My most heartfelt prayer

The jist of my most sincere prayer in sometime was in behalf of my 3 oldest children who need more than anything to understand the whole Easter thing and that people actually do live again. And when they understand that they understand further that repentance is possible so that that Eternal life can be as full of potential as ever.

I want so desperately to hold them each in my arms and tell them such things with my physical tongue, but instead I will pray that someone somewhere will fill in and speak the words in person that they both need and will comprehend at this time when their dear grandfather passed away.

What I think to do is pray and pray I will. I hope to share any peace of mind that I have with them. I pray for their step mother and father as well. What more can I do?

Are those Mormon people Christians?

My psychology professor would have a hayday with that question. He likes to argue that God never changes so a church to be Godly must also never change and the name appears to have been changed to better fit what trends. However, the religion has not changed. It's mode of worship or label may have, but it has been said by a man much wiser than I that a rose by any other name would smell so sweet.

I had been referred to as a Mormon and a Latter-day Saint, but what I believe has remained. Further, I do not only "believe" in Christ. I like any other of my faith loves Jesus. We preach almost solely of Him. And I call myself by his name as I have promised and I attend church regularly expecting to be spiritually fed and reminded of our Savior's purpose.

So, Yes. Mormons are a denomination that is Christian.

Echoed advice

Be there. Show up, it is amazing how much responsibility others give to those they can count on regardless of any other supposed talent. Just do it.

Almost every great advice giver EVER has suggested that doing a thing is far more important than perfecting it.

At church people get "callings" usually stating that they are the least qualified. The skill comes after the doing.

My mom gave me the best advice when I was afraid to run at the gym because of my inadequacies. She said others would not even notice my lack of form they would actually derive strength from my putting myself out there. I would actually become a role model admired for what I accomplished because of my obvious inability. It would make my "handicap" be for something.

A guy said a thing that stuck like glue to me. "It is amazing how much I gain just by being there." I got to thinking and this guy was right. No one even suspects he is some great vocal genius. I do not even think that I Have heard him sing, but he is always in the choir and has come to embody the choir and is often given special assignments pertaining to the choir.

I was actually on fire spiritually and still look back to a situation for inspiration and through it I learned many great lessons. I was depressed and could barely speak without great effort, but I agreed to sing a solo because I was asked. I honestly figured something supernatural would happen. No really. I believed that somehow if I did this thing I would somehow be heard differently or suddenly be able to sing. I never was able to, but I did it anyway.

I used to be quite the pianist, but shortly after I was out of the hospital I was asked to accompany a group and it was sooooo painful let alone the emotional pain of failure. The only way I survived was thinking that I was needed. Then, one day a mother told me that I was setting the best example for her children. They had a family home evening about accepting callings, and the kids spoke up and instantly started talking about me that it was obvious that I could not play piano but I still tried. I was soo happy at that point to be a failure cause it truly helped others whereas if I had played perfectly as before I would probably go unnoticed.

In my life, my greatest regrets are times I did not do a thing because I reasoned why I should not. Likewise, I Fully regret doing a thing because it made perfect reasonable sense, so I just figure my spiritual compass was broken and I Just ought to use my sense until a future point.

The point I have not made yet is that at one point in my life I decided to act upon any supposed prompting regardless of the amount of sense it made. One time, keep in mind that I am not a hugger. But the impression was undeniable to go give a woman a hug. So, I wanted to be someone trusted and given more duties to do to serve God, so I approached this stranger and said, "I am supposed to give you a hug, I apologize. It probably seems really weird. So, anyhow..." and I hugged her and it left an impression and was a thing that she actually spoke of later. I was VERY glad that I ignored my thoughts and acted. I believe this is the thing I am missing thus far in my life. There is a Nickelback song "If Today Was Your Last Day" and my thought is that everyday action ought to unchange if it is my first or last day.

Stress reduction

So, Instead of working tirelessly on what could be a perfect lesson. Instead, I Use the time to prepare for the next lesson familiarizing myself to the point that I could answer any question regarding the information and I ask myself a lot of "tangent" questions and notice applications in everything around me. Then I become the teacher and the lesson. I do not need to feel bad that a point wasn't ever gotten to or that the classroom environment never went as predicted. I am there and the scriptures are there, so the lesson is part of me and regardless of what points are discussed they will be ideal and I become a facilitator of real education instead of feeling like a failure.

Of the many thoughts...

I have thought out many thoughts worth sharing in hopes that my time and efforts might be of use to anyone. But, instead of writing them I have instead been reflective and such thoughts have been wiped to make room for new occurrences.

One such occurrence is that I Had been so wishy washy because I had too much worth or mortal value. But, things are clearer to see and delineate when my options have been winnowed.

Among things I need to consider getting fat and unattractive helps actually, because I was overly concerned with being attractive enough, and although I will be again. I have no doubt, right now I am extremely unattractive physically and I remembered a video where the underlying message of a pile of food being transported somewhere and being attacked by a large flock of birds was that it is not always good to attract attention. In my case, Finally I can see how not seeming of worth could be an advantage... As George Washington held to: " It is better to be alone than in the wrong company."

continued...

After contemplation and appropriate time to do so I find that the closer I draw to God the farther I am from Nick. By default, I gravitate to what I think is Godly. What I mean by that is that whenever I experience a terrible trial, whether by my own doing or not, I turn to pray or my scriptures to cope. Previously, I was married to a wonderful man by any standards, but I kept feeling like I was needed to do something. I spoke of it,and then pushed such an inclination away.  Because, any logical reasoning suggested that it was improper for me to not be happy in my current situation. Then my choices were taken from me and I realized what I had done and I vowed never to have my agency taken from me again. Seriously, my illness was of such that I was rendered nearly incapable of doing anything.

I got one choice and despite feeling like it was not a very good choice, I took it. well, there are many positives that result from any choice and it is in seeing the positive that I find solace, but the expense is that I become numb and blind to the bad, and only this morning have I realized that I have lost my agency. It terrifies me. I will rectify that at any cost.

I had decided that my family was first and foremost. Of course it would be difficult, but worth it. But, despite my choice to strip back what had fallen apart and do over or salvage what was good, nothing happened. I cannot communicate with my husband and beyond that I have absolutely NO trust or confidence in  him to make good choices or support me in good choices. despite what good I have found, there is no love. absolutely none. I am in no way ready to make another choice, but I do trust what the Lord promises that I will be loved. I believed that I was loved and just needed to overcome whatever obstacle was keeping me from communicating with my husband.

I remember hearing someone talk about being so lonely and needing someone to speak to about simple things like their day, but I think it is far worse to be married and still completely lonely. I have marveled at how many times and things my husband has done to show me how less than anything I matter to him. I am 100% sure that my welfare is of no concern to him. He has  constantly removed all doubt on that account. Again, I was of the mindset that I must surely be the one at fault, but as I prayed this morning was assured that this was not the case.

John 21:16-19 ¹⁶He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, LORD; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁷He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, LORD, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep. ¹⁸Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. ¹⁹This spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when he had spoken this, he saith unto him, Follow me.

Divorce

I stayed when I was miserable because I made a vow to never divorce again. Ihad children as an incentive, but after yesterday I had to pray a whole lot! I even reconsulted my patriarchal blessing. The talks yesterday focused on receiving personal revelation specifically two people shared personal experiences where they came to situations where logic would not work and a choice needed to be made. For a moment I felt glad to have such a situation in my life whereas others might not be able to grasp the extreme importance of believing and calling on a greater power. It was interesting to me(and a confirmation) that people create situations and opportunities for themselves and "God" really is not waiting for us to ask which choice is right, but He will help us understand how to navigate such situations. As I read my blessing I was told that my prayers would be heard and answered and that I am loved although I might not understand God does and my biggest trial of all is to learn (KNOW) how to proceed, because I am promised that my end goal will be accomplished. From that I can infer if I wasn't also warned that accordingly I need to have an eternal perspective. I used to think it meant being patient if things do not seem like they would work cause they will. But, instead I see how damming making a vow like, "I will never divorce again." is. It is as if I vowed to never repent again because I was baptized.

Eternal perspective brings me back to my little Salt Lake Temple metaphor. It is better to tear down and start over while I can before it is too late, if a thing is going to last it needs to be perfect.

This morning I was going to leave the house without my glasses. I was still by home, but Mary was in the car. Eventually, it was because Mary was in the car that I decided to go back inside despite telling Joseph not to let anyone inside and I locked the door but left the keys with Mary. Joe let me in and I got my glasses. I can see fine to drive and I have another pair in the car anyhow, but I care enough to see well especially when driving with a child in the car. Do I need to explain what that has to do with divorce? Jesus spoke in parables so that only those who understand will.
    I have more to think about before I express such thoughts. They are potent and need to be diluted...