Maybe you should be concerned

I bet you would think that after that long treacherous battle with myself I would tell you if I could do it over, I would realize I was good enough before it's too late, but that is not the case. I love me, and it is largely because I held such unbelievably difficult standards for myself when I could. I see women who look better than I do now, but instead of thinking, they are too hard on themselves, I think I'm pretty and they are prettier than me. I think, " she looks ok for now, but I hope she is not satisfied, because this is my shape when it has been neglected for a decade, if they do not do anything about it now, it will be too late later and they will be hideous in another 10 years.

I realize body types and situations are all different, but potential for looking great is always present. With a few snapchat filters I can be gorgeous, so I can be made to look better than I do, and I really should be trying to look my best my future self may depend on it. For example:one cannot go through multiple child birth and inactivity for a decade without some serious consequences, I accept that and realize the havoc wrecked on my body was unavoidable, and I still appear fine just a bit heavier and I loath how it feels but as the saying goes, "God grant me to patience to endure what I cannot change and the power to change what I should." Or something like that. Then, it is added, "Lord, grant me the wisdom to know the difference."

I love me now because I didn't love me then.

The red hair mystery

I have said so before, but explination still eludes me that none of my children have red hair. My mother's ancestors were even recognized by their hair and my father has some fairer complexioned folk, and although Brandall was definately blonde, his beard always had a strawberry tint and upon closer examinatiom it contained red hairs, so, one would think I would end up with at least one red head.

At a camp once someone did not know my name and called me red, but I think it was my perm and alot of sunlight, because my hair is not red.

Whay got me thinking about this all was me telling my kids who listened intently as I told them stories of Joseph, who was sold into Egypt, and one point that they really dug into was that there was a huge statue of him in Egypt that had his hair painted red, and that really stood apart from other Egyptians, but I also was telling them about Jacob and Essau and mentioned that Essau (sp?) had red hair, so my son asked "what's the big deal about red hair?"

I really do not know. Do you?

Subtlety

Man, I can see how knowledge could be a huge stumbling block, and how it is being used, like a lie, a gradual understanding leads to security in the present and a failure to see where it leads.

This calls for an example in order to explain. As a child, I was not manipulated, but only saw as little as was comfortable at the time, in other words "ignorance is bliss" so, I blissfully did not even consider more and thought Cohihor was a bad guy so any of the garbage he said was equally terrible. He was afterall as bad as one could get. He was called an antichrist therefore that meant anything he believed and spoke was evil and not worth pondering. Then, unaware, I adopted a thought here and there until I built quite the infrastructure of ideas that made me feel smart, I never thought it was evil at all until I was considering the things actually taught by Corihor and realized those were the very things I had thought before, and although, I never ever would have considered myself to be at all like him, gradually, those same thoughts had entered my head. The difference was that I was able to recognize not that any idea was false, but that his conclusions lead one away from God, and I instead conclude that the same truths like steping stones, instead of stumbling blocks can be used to draw closer to God.

Often, I imagine Joseph Smith dictating the words and, if he had created them to support his agendas, it is almost unthinkable to conclude that he could have invented such a perfect story anyhow.
I can and have wrapped my head around the notion that it is all an extra terrestrial doing, but even supposing that God is different that what I had supposed does not change the reality of "heavenly" intervention.

In conclusion, the most responsible and healthy thing to do is choose to use knowledge  to lead to a stronger testimony of the things my other senses feel, instead of letting one gain control over others and conclude things like, "if I do not see it, then it doesn't exist" such an assertion is easily proved and thus mortal. I love this applicable quote:

“There is but one good; that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to Him & bad when it turns from Him.”

The blessing of being ugly

Odd thing to think about, but it is just the thing I chose to mention. I was not blesses with being ugly or fat, and so both trouble me far more than they ought to. Let me explain. Recently, I heard on a cartoon my kids were watching that they were glad that things did not come easily to them because it forced them to learn to accomplish things which were not natural to them.

I was thinking about how I have never even considered make up or work out or diet growing up because I was already beautiful. But, when I got sick and now as I get older I see how much I struggle at things foreign to me. I never learned how to beautify myself, or how to handle weight gain.

All along I was aware of this bring a common malady and so, I tried to find fault with my self and how substandard I was compared to models lets say. But, I never actually thought I was. It was just the way life was, I thought. You need to find someone you think is beautiful that you will never look like and complain about it.

Looking back, though. I want to look like me, and I ought to be able to, right? Like tunning or playing piano or singing, etc. All are things that we learn to do so I should be able to just relearn them. Uh, tried, and have been trying for over a decade. Then it occurred to me, but, I can walk! And breathe!! And think and talk!

My daughter, Mary Anne, is such a sweet and lovely girl whom I want to shower with the things she wants, and I think I do, but she never appreciates them and that frustrates me... oh, ah hah! Children learn by example, if I do not appreciate what I am/have then it is not right to expect her to. So, I am trying to show my appreciation a bit more and age gracefully. I am different for a while, sure, but I am still me no matter what shape, and I will always be loved by God and maybe it was a blessing to not have had to worry about my body so I could focus on spiritual things and solutions.

I found a great deal of comfort in the story of Job and how Satan honestly believed that it was hos successes that made him love God and without them he would curse God and just die. But, He had an inner strength or as we call it "Zen" that caused he not to flinch despite hardship. IHe had just lost things...

But, I wanted to say how much I envy fat and ugly people who are accustomed to such trials and work through them because it will be that much easier for you when you age.

I used to despise make up. I saw it as a sort of mask. I did not want to hide behind a mask, subsequently I never learned to, as a friend said, "paint the barn."

If you ever doodle. Sometimes you alter what is given, sometimes improve...that is the whole point of clothes and make up and house cleaning. We strive to make what naturally happens more acceptable or presentable. The harder you need to work the better you are at beautifying. And so, I think it is a blessing to not wake up beautiful. In college I knew a girl wjo I thoughtwas the most beautiful girl in the world. But she and roomates told me that is not what she naturally looks like. It takes hours each morning. I have plenty of time, but no matter how I try I usually make things worse. And that is because I never had any reason to fix myself up, until now.

Maybe, I can get an hour of rest. Have a great day!!!

The trouble with using stories as an example

Initially, it was what attracted me to Utah. I noticed how profound and memorable every visitor was to me. What I loved most was the way they used stories and humor to teach a point that way they did not even need to understand deeper levels to teach them because they did understand the things they talked about and that was a metaphor for things thry did not know.  A very good example was my real weakness. I did not understand obedience, justice and mercy until I watched a video entitled "The Mediator" it made perfect sense, and I also stored in my mind equalibrium figure or scale and towers and often in my mind when I needed a refresher of those difficult concepts I would recall those images.

But, the reason I felt the need to speak right now was because of multiple pings banging around in my head that need to be addressed. On Sunday a woman spoke up about a fear she had of praying for patience because of the many stories of how this was answered. But, eventually, she overcame that worry because she really really needed patience. She noted how her answer came in a manner that was suited for her. I may have just paraphrased a thing Heavenly Father told me in a private blessing, but that is exactly what differentiates life from stories, the solution is geared for us personally and not likely to be the same across the board. We notice and say so much when taising children of our own,  especially in discipline, one size does not fit all.

Previously, in a class our teacher was telling the marvelous story of the boy Joseph Smith and how he needed to kniw a thing and read how to get an answer, so he Prayed and  before his glorious vision he experienced something terrifyingly horrible. Another woman jokingly commented how it was good that did not always hapoen when we pray or far frwer people would dare to pray.

Now, the error of taking the story verbatim as a sort of carhartic alegory is that it would be sort of telling us that as long as it is nothing extremely important, or if are  an amazingly resilient person, then go ahead and ask God.  I am dealing with a fear of finding an appropriate time and place to pray.

Need to go shovel....brb

How to love your enemy

Sure, even tiny children learn by parents who make them hug that you ought to love those whom you abhore. But, this morning a commonplace thing struck me as significant. I was listening to the book of Enos, and not because I was commanded to, but because there is a law of consequences, that says that if ypu do a thing a percribed consequence MUST follow, and I heard of such consequence of protection for your family if you read from the Book of Mormon daily. And it is for that effect that I was listening, not trying to understand or ponder deeper meaning of the words of Enos. The story (short version) is of a guy who goes out hunting and remembers things he was taught, he was taught to turn to God for all good things. So, this guy prayed all day because he desired a remission of his sins (or as Rob Thomas sings "get back to good") and eventually, I am not sure if it is a consequence of his lengthy prayer I was not studying that, but The Lord spoke to him and told him that his sins would be forgiven. SCORE! Great, no he is done and can get to his hunting, right? No. And that is where the lesson was learned.

In the Book of Mormon, the story is told of one family and how they became numerous enough to populate a continent. Alright, so in this family, there were two disgruntled brothers, so we have a blood fued. Seriously, over generations, seperated they become another nation who not are just angry with the rest of their family, but several times these "bad guys" wage war with their "brothers". Enos is descended from the Good guys. So, these other people not only dislike him, but seek to kill eachother (which doesn't work out well usually. See Cain and Abel or Jacob and Esau in the Bible, which they had).

Enos, then actually prays for these enemies to the point that he expresses love and a desire for them to be reconciled to God as well. To me, this becomes the perfect metaphor, or in mormonspeak "type and shadow" of how we love our enemies....no, no, no O am not saying I think we out to pray all day or even go out hunting, but the impression I got is that we should  humble ourselves and serve them.

See if you can find it for yourself and then, please share your thoughts...I cannot spend anymore time right now doing this, but I do want to say that I feel it is important.

Inspiration mystery

My mind is like an etch-a-sketch and so every time this thought pops up. I shake it up until I have a nice blank slate, easy to describe.

Ok, I usually do not even say what I am thinking cause I have no thoughts, just awe.

People always talk about knowing things that there was no discernable way that they could have.

And I have been made an object of inspiration which ought to have made me a believer and I do believe there is another sense that seems to be well known and used around here.

To me, it is a mystery how inspiration works. My notion is that it is so familiar that it has avoided my detection, so, maybe I have been "inspired" but did notveven recognize it because I am expecting something fantastic.

It is like a comment made to me recently about God perhaps being someone we are actually quite familiar with. Then recently, I have been susceptive to the notion that the Earth itself might be our God. I only know for certain a thing was said about how suprised we will be after death when we meet our Savior. We will be suprised at how familiar he is to us.

I do not have anymore time to write roght now.

Good point

I do not think it was intended but a man made a great point unaware (love it when that happens).

Here is the point simplified in cliff notes version:
1)Women love men
2)Men are larger than women usually.
3)Women hate their bodies anyhow, but despise them when they get bigger for whatever reason.

I am on a verbal tirade

I too often get sort of sucked in by thoughts of Time or Creation.

I particularly liked the explination of time given by "Fitz" on Marvel's Agents of Shield, but I always conclude that it really doesn't matter and is not worth the costed effort to think about it because it is a quantifiable part of life right now. Ha ha ha you gotta laugh at that...right NOW.

Evolution will make sense as surely as we know that wine comes from grapes not water, life evolves, but what is evolution was used to create?

In a recent movie "God's Not Dead" a simple college student touched on a sublime truth that argued with the great scientific minds when he was asked to explain how life as we know it came to be. He used all of the scientific theories and explained that those ideas are probably true because the scriptures, which he believed to be truth, said the same thing in the phrase, "Let there be light." Then A Big Bang and tah dah, there it is.

What does it matter?

This morning, I keep thinking, so what? about everything. I have answers, too. But, one essential thing, or so I have been taught. Really, if science is true and will uncover things that are, then what does it matter if I choose to believe in a divine Diety?If someone has, let's say, diabetes, and there is a cure, but you already found that managing your blood sugar is making you a better person, so what if you do not need to with the cure?

So it is, with my belief system, sure there are and will always be loopholes to be exploited to the point that many would say (like on FF 7 CC outtakes)you cannot live on that side anymore. I heard the best coment once regarding the Exodus story,  wether or not it happened, it is true (or sonething like that). Also, most monumental to me was a story a woman shared of her Grandfather saying that believing a thing makes him a better man, and that feels good, so whether or not it is true would not change his mind, but it is true. That is how I feel when I watch heavily science-based agendas being presented as a replacement. Any fact can be spun to fit inside a belief system, it is just a matter of time or a need to do so. For instance, Christmas means a large Evergreen tree, right? Ok, I do not even feel the need to explain further... I have always believed that things like evolution are no doubt factual and it does not bother the idea of creationism. It is a tool of creation. Take an elevator shaft that is built before elevators have even been invented... or how so many things have been proven "bad" for you, to the point of changing you life around the idea just to have it repealed later.

Oh, I just thought of one, Cigarettes. Bad bad bad! Because they can kill you! But, so can living. And not many chose to quit on that premise. It simply does not motivate or suggest any need for change. Like guns, they kill, right? So what?  So does macaroni if used to the purpose of killing.

We have hearf so many times, "Let's agree to disagree." There comes a point where neither side is threatened with the idealogy of another. And Faith is sometjing that might not just happen for a reason. It must be chosen.

Ah hah! Now, to believe it.

You should believe what you want. I think it forms you, and it is clear that we ought to be like Christ, so it is important to believe that you can be like him!

As a teenager. I was sickened by parents who tried to be cool, cause they weren't. They were adults trying to be teenagers, I thought.  Then as I grew older I could honestly not see the difference between me and teens, nor did I see any reason why people would want to be 29. That's almost 30 which is OLD. I actually was 29 for a year, but I do not remember it. I went straight from 18 to 40 something, not actually sure what I am, honestly. I would have to do the math from my kniwn birth year though that's tricky, too cause I was born near the end of the year.

Today, I realized something when older women tslked about how it is hard to get old because Mentally you think you never got older. That is the secret! Women are able to accomplish whatever they think they can, and I used to get confused by ages, and I am not alone. In the "Wheel of Time" series of books the author often talks about a certain class of women and their ageless appearance. I do not think those women were trying to be as cool as their teenagers, they really believed they were  who they wanted to be. I think this is the secret to successfully aging.

Touché

I got it now. Misinformation, is the same thing I always think about when I watch TV. I wonder why the characters even trust the intelligence they get from unlikely sources and it ends up leading them to a marvelous situation predicted responses by the vilan. Sure it works fine when you have the whole script before you, but it is sort of creepy to think of how quick we are to accept evidence because it suits us.

I was so fortunate to have stumbled on an article today that actually explains the blatent use of misinformation, whoch I figured must,be a sort of unspoken joke sort of like the one where a guy says that he has a date with a supermodel cause she said so on the internet and gave other sources 9n the internet so it has to be true. Or I laugh at how photos are considered evidence of tv. Even an entire novice like me knows now how images can be manipulated, well, how many other things have been manipulated that we are not aware of?

Parenting theory

https://youtu.be/9IHwpoWfwGQ

Direct from Fury's playbook.

As parents we "parent" a body for a being that existed before birth. My experience has taught me that despite tge power I have as a mother, my job is to offer a helping hand and instruction to this new life and body, not form personalities and such. The spirits should be allowed to become whomever they will. I know this is the case because things my children have said or done which come from no source, but who they are and what they just brought with them. The duty of a parent is to love them enough to allow them to become, wether or not we agree with it.

There is nothing worse that someone who does all of the right things, but quietly wishes to be doing something else.

Time

Man, if you try to catch your breath you loose it. It is time.

Just noticing how I thought I was in those moments the past few years, but 2 to 3 years ago, even 6 years ago feel like yesterday.

Maybe, it is time for a new era.

Determinism

You don't actually know what I am thinking, unless there is no real agency anyway, but I will say this much. Eve didn't go looking for the snake, nor did it intend to beguile her. She was merely an action in the cause and effect of what he aimed to do.

Likewise, I see tv dramas where the vilan realizes that hurting someone is not as effective. It is assumed there is a reflex to avoid pain. That has evolved, like any good virus does, to the point that original tactics have no effect. However, threatening other loved ones is something no one is immune to.

In the game of chess, one move is made then one waits until the other moves. Sometimes, in chess or the like, one can be pretty certain how the other will act, but they still have a choice. No spoilers. I want to say something, but I wait...I heard a line, " you are not going to arrest me for a crime I only thought of." The reply was, "oh yeah, you're right. That isn't considered a crime yet."

QUANTUM Exercise by proxy

I just had one of those crazy, mad scientist, ideas. But, I am not even a scientist! It was the idea that in the future with the help of Nueroscience in the form of mind control, or through mastery and sale of quantum physics, we will be able to have the benefits of exercise without needing the time to do it ourselves.

My mom got me tbinking about such possibilities by suggesting to me that vocal cords mimic the sounds they hear and your voice may even feel scratchy or sore from the fatigue of listening to a poor singer. She said she had heard of the idea regarding a skill tennis players gained through watching experts play. This explains my terrible reaction to the mere mention of pain experienced by another.

Later, I took the notion to heart with my daughter, Brooksie. I was careful to only play the finest vocal feats as she was developing in uetero. Particularly, I placed head phones on my stomach and played alot of Haley Westenra.

The notion also started as an idea for a tv series about a super hero who assumed traits of those who surrounded. Then, it dawned on me that it was not fiction at all, but often referred to as empathy.

Thinking about Super powers made me think more about a show I had recently seen where the power was mind control. And there was a fascinating displayvwhere a nuero scientist demonstrated how his brain sends messages to his muscles and those messages were sent to someone else's muscles,  it has some very practical uses, like lost limbs, etc. It reminded me of my friend David who gave himself super human strength once and crushed a test tube with his hand, by squeezing it after sending an electrical charge to it.