King Nicholas

I thought I ought to say something pertinent to the masses, so first I will comment on a song that is popular. Photograph by Nickelback. He made a comment that it suprised him that others found parallel and could relate to his remenissing.I think I already praised C.S. Lewisfor noting that same thing. Ironic?

I Talked to LeAnne yesterday, and she said that I cannot marry everyone and to quit trying.She said it is better to obsses over famous guys who don't acknowledge me until I get back on my feet anyway. I watched the Last King of Scotland, and It only solidified my ideas to move to Utah and marry "King Nicholas". But LeAnne said it was a bad idea and just because I can do things doesn't mean I ought to. I told her how I thought so highly of Chad Kroeger, and she asked "You aren't actually talking to him are you?" as if it would be terrible if I were. then she explained that he looks uncannily like one of her best friends husbands, so there are other guys out there that I can fall in love with when I'm ready. But I love Vancouver! I just love the story of Prince Harry and Prince John. Course probably cause I'm a sucker for fairy tales. But Utah is closer :)

ok, now on to what made me want to write. I just had to express my desire to be wise about musical things. I look at doctors and lawyers with respect but my true admiration goes to those who take the time to follow the dream of making auditoriums ull of people scream. I still have a burning idea that I want to do that. maybe my present sufering will only help assist me. I thought that I needed to study math and accoustics, but now I'm leaning towards learning more about equipment and recording. I want to be an expert not just a powertools junkie. I need to understand everything about a guitar for example. Before I let that to Brandall cause he wanted to be a luthier. and being as we were married I didn't need to have the same skills. And I didn't want friction or competition, that was simply his arena and my interest. but I feel it is time to make it my arena.

I think that people who truly "hear" records and can play by ear are ama ing and far more credible than any doctor. It is either talent or determination that made one sit down and learn all that information. most doctors lack the passion and get respect to makr up for it, but alot od Musician have both. I ought to go look up something to study along the line of preparing myself to be a roadie. My friend Jim dropped out of highschool and became a millionaire by 25. so I tried to emulate him. now I see that computers are not my passion but my expertise. my dad was a brilliant musician who treated his talent like a plague, and so taught me. now, i bet he wishes he hadn't.

blah, blah, blah.

too old?

my kids just told me to get out because I was too old to play. urgh! and last week a bunch of kids yelled at me cause I was showing them how to cheat and take a short cu through the fence, they screamed, "Oh no! Sister Brawner just climbed throuh the fence another child yelled No. She can't she's too old."It makes me wonder if I am old. I don't feel old, I though the reason why I'm uglier is because of my Brain infection/C-section. one lady asked me what year of college I was. She sad I looked likwe a college girl, then one girl said,"you are beautiful. I want to look like you!." That made my day. but then Brooksie told me that I could do the hot dog dance like Goofy cause I'm tall and look most like goofy. If I was in the Mickymouse Clubhouse. I just got a cool idea, a rescue idea. but just as I figured out how it would work I figured out that the Tour dates were off by a year, and I was out of luck after all.

I'll keep on thinking, After I make my Gingerbread cookies.

gladiator

as I watched the clip, I thought of why Nckelback wrote the perfect song for it, because Rockstars are like gladiators. but being the last one standing is the desired goal. I just put Gavin to bed ad let the kids watch "Surfs Up".h heck, I'm such a nice Mommy, they love me, but it isn't because Daddy is the custodial parent. It is because I am lucky to be alive, I cannot beat them up if I wanted to I chase Lena around cause she thinks that it is fun. But even Brooksie Said,"Cool mom,you can run." I think of "Princess Bride" a little head giggle is supposed to make me happy? I have to benice and reward them ro get then to do what is right. I use the same technique with my Children at church. I give them Jelly beans for doing something good or answering right, then they can eat the bean or put it in the jar. the jar is marked and each marking represents a cool award for the whole class, so hey get to learn a whole lot. I just had to make sure none were diabetic or anything. But they can learn a lot of lessons if they think metaphorically. the idea of giving up what you really want now for something for the whole class is a cool idea. I have to go my daughter is begging me. But I just howed her the T-Rex i Center of the Earth Trailer and she screamed and ran out, now I get to listen to Follow you home. ahh yes, I do love at song. it i good to know I am not the only oe who likes to hotwire cars or tamper with breaks. and I was really shocked to hear that

No More

have decided to stop accentuating parts of myself to be the kind of person that I want to be. I think Regina Specktor had the right idea in the song "On the radio" she said we look inside and take what we love then love what we took, so I am tired of trying to prove that I am ideal for others, enough is enough, some people do think I am perfect for them, why must I win EVERY heart? If I be so desirable, than that it is just going to delight in the plainess and fault filled me that I am. Come what may. If another wants to win my attention is not hard to find me or win my attention. I think of a Morrisey song about bitting the right one and saying "What took you so long?" I would even like it if the desire for my affection created a little compettition. Survival of the fittest. I used to think it was immature to fight over a love, but now I see the value of strength of person not just charachter, after survivng death and beating up my husband, I don't want to be able to overpower another so they must be strong.

My kids are screaming, later.

I had more to say here but do not remember what it was, hmmm. My memory goes in and out, generally out before I get logged back in here. Sorry.

Crud!

I lost the brilliant post aout Boblo Island and the fery ride as a kid, but I also talked about how I noticed that Nickelback is nd my best friend from the Tall BBS ws Hannah, the same frontwards and backwards. I prefer to name things with AH anyway like Sarah and Melissah. Anyway I also like the song by Meatloaf about rear view mirrors and thoug I prefer to look forward, I think looking back brings great wisdom.

When I went to Nashville to ge the kids I saw a Kroeger Sign in Gallatin, a forward thinking property delevopment company no doubt. blah blah. this has been a recap, sorry you missed out on my brilliance, I'm too tired for it now.

Hmmm

I honestly do not remember whar I was dying say something momumental about Boblo Island or the ferryride there, but then I started thinkng about New years eve and then BBKing, then Diabetes, and now I cannot recall what was so *bleep* important. Oh Well.I relied that Nickelback is like Nick and Bachmahh is preferable to end in an put together nd my best friend from the Tal BBS was named Hannah (Only difference is it is spelled the same forward and backwards). It is always perferable to end in Ah if the choice is given. oh, also when I was going to Nashville to pick up the kids I saw a huge Kroeger Sign, for the development of property or something forward tinking. I like to think forwards though I love the Meatloaf song about Rear view Mirrors, and know alot is gainged by thinking back. The End

crud

here i was all worried that he was too young, but he s already getting married in sept 2008. but at least it is to a Marrianne. That has always been my fvorite name in spanish class my name was Marianela. I asked to be Mary Anne but my teacher said I would be Marianela, So be it.

Originally, I started high school in Mchigan and took French, but when we moved down south I had to take Spanish, Then at Ole Miss I studied German. I still like German best, but speak Spanish the best, oh well. I wanted to go to Tia Juana when I was in San Diego, but didn't cause they sid it would be too dangerous for me, as if I didn't live the ghetto in Washington for years. Jim said he wouldn't even visit me there, the neighbor kids keyed "Volvo" in my car. Oh well, they were learning to spell, glad I could help.

I guess it was never meant to be again perhaps I should stop giving up so easily, but Nick really loves me and so does Brandall. I do not have room for another obsession unless he will come rescue me. hence is not married, but heck I'm even Married, in word only. Nick was shocked and said that s Brandall respected me he wouldn't write such mean and untrue things to me, but I figure there has to be a valid reason for after three years of divorce threats & legal Seperation, we aren't divorced. My guess is that he is a loser, can't do anything right, but I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Chad Kroeger!

Ok, heres ow my obsession started. I was looking for music for Nicholas, when I kept finding stuff by nickleback, I thought, man I really like them and they are pretty insightful, too. mind you I generally steer clear of pop icons like Rob Thomas or Daniel Bedingfield, though I did like them alot, I was not a fanatic like I was about Adam Durit* , Tal Bachman, or Kevin Montgomery. but the more I loked at pictures of Chad the more obsessed I became, till I just had to learn all I could. That is quite alot.

then I told Nick what I was doing and why I wasnt paying him as much attention. he refuted that He was not perfect, cause I said he was. I replied that it was only physical perfection. I am sure he has alot of flaws, like all Rock Stars, that is why I must know more. I think, gosh I know now that there are two types of love, one that is immediate and one that is lasting. I have been upset because people in movies fall in love but I dont. I find something and then turn it into love, ometimes it doesnt work.

oh crud. I have so much to say, but mostly I just have to say that he is beautiful, I dont care if he would never likeme it doesn't matter, Im not being realtic anyway. The song from enchanted says that most good comes from imagining what isnt until it is. I really liked what Regina Spektor said too but Ill save that for another post, right now I need to just goto sleep thinking about all of the impossibilities and how life would be any differnt if things were possible, maybe a good idea for a song!

He must be retarded

I wrote a nice letter to Brandall and he wrote back Aqusing me of tons of things like being insane and a bad mother,witha whole lot of swear words. which I am not sure he even got the meaning right. He doesn't get much right though, so I must give him a break.

I feel soory for him though because he is so petty, and especially with real, true, eternal things. one day he will be sorry, I will be sorry for him even if God treats him fairly. I think he might be retarded, and can't understand alot of things, even when hey are explained. it must be frustrating to have everything in your ife blow up and be a failure. I really hoped to change tha, but instead I just became a scapegoat. I was sick and was wrong to take offense or try t o prove him false, though nothing he says makes a whit of sense, my mom set the proper example, just indulge him, agree, sure everything is my fault. He couldn't keep a steady job because I am insane.his first marriage failed cause I am insane, His lawyer doesn't return his calls because I am insane, Everything in his life has fallen apart and he was evicted because I am just sorry and insane. I only hope to rescue tose children from him downward spiral.

I certainly hope he isn't judged the way he judges other though. He simply cannot help it. Further I hope he islucky and he neverhas a sickness like I did. I am not sure he would survive, infact much tells me that he wouldn't.

Now youmay think that I am being faceietious in writting tis, but I am not. I only have to vent my frustration to a non person, if I am going to maintain to him that Iam insane. If I talk to too many people they will know that I am sane and fine, and he will loose all of his effort in trying to prove me mentally insane. I even went to Several psychiatrists/psyhologists who gave me tests upon test all proved I was fine and improving. so they sent me to a pysical doctor, something that I have needed for a long time, but was neglected for Brandal's job hopping, I had no insurance. the Doctor said that I had made significant improvement, though I might not think so. He said that it was unlikely that I would iprove, and to cut my losses, but mom did not agree, and I am still making improvements. I will not be physically handicapped, I will run and sing again, it is just going to take alot of effort and determination.

I got an idea for a movie yesterday, I think I will write it as a book first. It is about a famous person who based all of their fame on a non-permanent part like a tongue. and then they try to find every method they can to communicate, and everyone tries to guess what he means, and they are all wrong. Everyone assumes he is suffering depression because of his loss. But then he figures out a plan, to speak through words and music, in having another sing for him. It has a somewhat happy ending, it isn't a love story or is it? hmmm