Superman

I was thinking about how much superman loved Lois Lane and it occurred to me that it was a real eye opener for him to not be able to save her... By means of hus superpowerness as defined by those who called him super. Things that were valued and considered mighty or x-ray vision or what not. But, my band director told me once when I gave him what I considered a very valid excuse (it was also genuine). He told me, "I guess we see your priorities. There is always a way if there is a will." So, I struggled a bit to think of a way, though uncomfortable, I found a way to make it possible to take my trombone home and practice every night. This is like super man in that he was desperate and sort of forced to realize his abilities because he wanted to save Lois. So, he used his powers in a way not even previously concieved and not likely used again (but can we be so sure?). Superman flew super fast around the earth causing time to rewind and this time be there to save her. If you love someone, you will find a way.

After life

When I was in high school, I would not have believed anything could be more desirable than having the perfect skin or perfect figure. Although many told me that life existed after high school and those things did not matter. It was better to think of it as a blessing that I was skinny and flat-chested. I did not see how. It seemed to me that what mattered WAS the now and I wanted to be attractive so that I would marry well and have a happy and fufilling life. But, getting older showed me that there was life after high school and being so skinny and scrawnny then made me feel fat when comparatively I was still way below average just bigger. And, I may have endured very difficult trials, but they are ones that I was suited for. I did not have to struggle with a man who valued the perfect body over other attributes that I never had to develop to compensate for an unflattering shape. And I did things without concer for what effect it might have on my perfect body, like having children or being unable to eat so that my kids could. These thoughts came because I was considering what good being successful right now would be anyway.

I have heard others say that we ought to life for the now because we cannot even be sure of an afterlife anyhow. Instead focus on what we KNOW. That just seems wrong to me. In high school it seemed like it was all that mattered but, it was knowable that there was more, or a life after high school. Even though I refused to trust my hopes and dreams in it. High school passed and here is the next phase. I seriously doubt this is the end either or that having the best anything will matter or cause a future unseen happiness. It has been often pointed out through art and literature that after we die in this life our mortal ideas of justice are not used to determine a placement in a life after death.

In a book by CSLewis. A busload of individuals from "Hell" visited "Heaven" and were very uncomfortable and wanted to go home. They were also concerned at the people they saw in heaven that did not "deserve" to be there.

I cannot even begin to count the times people told me I was going to hell because I was a Latter-day Saint. One professor intelligently questioned my accusers: are you going to heaven and live forever happy and singing praises to God? They ansewered yes. He then hoped they hated me or never remembered having friends who might be in hell. Cause it would be hard to live forever and remember friends or loved ones sucfering in hell, let alone the other people who do not like to sing praises. They would not be happy either but at least you will!

It is quite possible the reason things matter or even what things matter might suprise us. Then, who is to say that is THE END?

Quick but important

If we truly exist outside physical, then thoughts and memories could never be erased. I thought this was true with ourbrains having unknown capacity, but that will ultimately be destroyed, right?

Lessons from Jezabel

I remember memorizing a scripture in seminary that was a warning to not follow after women who worship another god because they will influence you to do so. At thetime I took it not to date outside of my faith if I valued it. This warning came from God, and was a thing to hold on to if my goal was the love of God. That, and well when I was 16 my stake president spontaneously asked me to bear my testimony at stake youth conference about why I would only date members of the church. At that point I had not firmly decided to date within my faith. This is because deciding to do so meant not being a hypocrit and thus only dating my brothers. But, as I had to quickly decide to do this, and explain why. I recited the common reasons and thus they were solidified in my being and perfect timing, we moved to an entirely new location where there were what I considered many datable individuals. Then, through colloge there were absolutely no boys my age I held firm to my commitment and explained it to any I felt I was becoming closer to, some baptisms followed, butI finally found many on the internet once I became marrying age.

But, then today, as we watched a cartoon about the story of King Ahab, Elijah, and Jezabel I more fully understood that scripture. Israel had been a chosen nation and they split apart and were almost completely lost as a people because the kings valued women who were following other religions. As a woman,  I could not see how any husband or lover could make me believe in an other God, but women were not kings!

What became most obvious to me was how the First commandment is to have no other gods before me. So, It really matters to man in successfully navigating this life. And surely there were other women around like Ruth or Ester who were worshiping the God of Israel. So, why did the kings chase after and end up worshiping other Gods? It occurred to me that the natural man is an enemy to God and by nature men value attributes in women that are found other places. And that was the lesson I learned from Jezabel today.

Storage of thoughts

I am storing up feel good thoughts. I guess it is a hobby. If you ever hear good advice in word form send it my way.

I am storing them up in times of need. The first one is probably the biggest one to me and strangely it does only me good and will have practically no value to anyone else. I still cannot believe it. It was a compliment that I instead of just accepting and reveling in I assume it was only said to feel better about all the work I am doing.

This is what was said, " I really like your handwriting." And that is why I am asking you to write all of the lables for me.

Now, the reason that means so much to me, if true, is that it is a real shortcoming of mine. It is alot like I have always thought I was sooo ugly. It is refreshing to think that others might actually appreciate things I see as terrible. I had decided that maybe my perception of things was slightly off from what others percieved. A teacher once put it this way: "It is not like the extremely wierd or handicapped person realizes they are. Maybe I am one."

My handwiting is terrible. It has Always been that way, but maybe what I think is horrible because it is not like everyone else's, someone else admires. I like that thought.

The second thought is about a girl who had a huge crises where she began to doubt everything she thought was true simply because she had been so positive about something that was wrong. And amid extending to post trauma, she looked outward and wanted to help others in a similar situation. She mentioned all the residual pain and guilt. I actually ought to have suffered the same fate, but unknowingly maybe I struggled through and am not aware of any pain or heartache.

Likewise, when my older children moved away, almost everyone mourned for me like it was pretty much too much for a person to endure. But, maybe I am unfeeling or something (maybe I just understand things better) because I was not a basket case.

I do have alot of unassigned depression😥 but I just do not think it is the same thing.

Lastly, I often think of a comment some guy off handedly made about how oddly shaped the Egyptians must've been. The images recorded of them show women with very high waistlines and a curving bulge for their tummy, combined with the previous girl's rant about the harm that having ones mind bombarded with unrealistic images of what a woman's body looks like. I giggle to think that those hieroglyphics might me an Egyptian equalivant of magazines and they were trying to portray a woman's body the way that pleased them and women who were too thin or shaped the modernly preferred way were sad and tried everything to try and look right.

The main point for me is that perhaps someone appreciates my body for what it is. It truly is a bit on the strange side. But, someone loves it, preferred beauty changes.

Crazy assumption

I am not saying the people to think they know what to be are crazy, but the more knowledge one aquires the more of it is questionable, and to think it something is not right is crazy because that assumes there is a right way that enough is known to even assume something.

Part 3

Ok, now it is time to address my most current manifestation of the same lesson. So, I ran away to Utah and got married because all I absolutely, undeniably knew was that I was Christian and it seemed like the teachings of the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints was literally that. My doubt was that I merely happened to be born into a gospel centered family. But, really, it did not just happen. I had several pieces of evidence that things worked out providencially.

One time, at a Youth Conference a mock life was arranged and I was the very first to figure everything outdespite influencial leaders attempts to steer us in another more attractive direction. Classes were taken and checked off in a particular order. A stamp needed to be on your card to prove that you were ready for that particular lesson ( like temple reccommends ). I just happened to choose the first lesson first! If I had been turned away on my first few attempts, then I would likely have been disillusioned and given up. The real eye opener was how I stole another girl's boyfriend because I needed to be "sealed" to progress. I ended up by myself in the end because it was not real and at a meeting he went back to be with his girlfriend in outter darkness. In the mock life, after death, I was shocked at how few people were in the Celestial Kingdom when so many youth were at the conference. I did not consider myself particularly smart either. But, I was the first person there and I was alone for quite a long time.

So, my purpose in comming to Utah was to finish (or perfect) my vision of a happy family. A little illness would not deter that! Now I am remarried with two more children and working teaching many many young children helping prepare them for the return of Jesus Christ! Things are good! Very very good, and that is what bothers me.

I keep on thinking, even praying, about the matter. My husband is a very good man and if I only tried I would appreciate him so much. He is trying so hard. Isn't that enough? It isn't for me. Even if he was everything he promised to be, I have a warning in my heart not to be decieved. Comfort was never the goal or the opposite, so what am I doing? I am living someone else's dream, and I might even appreciate aspects of it, but I might be missing the mark.

Truth gets confused the more mixed in with false. Think wheat and tares...

If I wanted to mess up myself, I would try to immitate a sense of peace and accomplishment. That is precisely why I am unhappy with finding a happily ever after. As a Sunday School teacher asked us once, "what end are we enduring for?" I thought there was no end so something is amiss.

Part 2

I do not actually recall what I was previously saying I merely know what I failed to say and it nags at me.

Things went terribly in my life by nearly any human standards, yet I managed to be fine with it all and see the silver lining.

I was divorced and so much more was left in shambles. If likened to something, it would be a person choosing to spend their life building a huge domino display then before placing the final pieces someone knocked one down which set off a chain reaction.

I will say it all in this sentence: it was a very low point in my life. This is when I decided to start a gratitude journal. I saw how much I still had. Often, the game I played sounded alot like parents telling their children that children were starving in Africa to get them to value their unwanted food. It helps, but never really works. I knew that I was very lucky to be living rent free at my parents house. Others were homeless due to this recession.

So, I walked alot. It was more pensive type walk. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted.

Next, I want to tell story about a time that I was in the hospital.  I don't remember why I was there or where I was. I only remember that I was eating cranberry Jell-O. Brandall, was my husband at the time and was visiting me, which was rare I barely knew who he was anyhow. He started freaking out telling me to stop eating that although I loved cranberry and could not actually eat much else.

He informed me that I hated Jello. I was sealed forever to rhis man and he had an invested interest in my future, I thought. So, I obeyed. This is funny because it is the exact epitomy as to why my misfortune could be a blessing. Sure, I had lost everything I had worked hard to build up, but now, I got to rebuild it all, including my marriage.

So, I did a whole lot of walking and self-talking. I tried to study journals, but if I had discovered something I was not smart enough to dicifer it everything was in code and I lacked know how and motivation. I'd just rediscover again through living.

journal type thought that recurs - part 1

It all began, noticing my traits, in college when I was being interviewed to be a counselor. I was ask if I saw myself as a conformist. Oh dear! I knew that my gut answer was going to dismiss myself as a possible candidate, but I was already in the recruiting video, and on the pamphlet for the school, so I had done my part and so I would not regret my honest answer. I said that in fact I thought of myself as a conformist. Eeeeek! later, as I thought about what I said it frightened me. thought of my self as belonging to a group that identified themselves as not belonging. How dishonest, and entirely untrue!!
As I returned to my dorm room that evening and replayed the interview I realized what I had said, and though those words did not adequately describe me they taught me a valuable lesson about myself. I was an actual nonconformist not one who merely conformed to others who were rejected.

Ok, so that was the planting of a seed. Later, after I left school and got a great job in Computers, I was dissatisfied because I was female 25 and not married. All my life I had been taught the role of females was to leave her father's home and adopt another patriarch and teach others to accept him as an absolute ruler. So, in my eyes, although I had accomplished great, nearly the greatest things, they seemed as dross because they did not include a patriarch. further I had been musing over the idea that professional woman surely COULD perform better, but shouldn't. In fact, at one point, a newly hired man was laid off, but I was not. Sure, it was likely because I performed better, but he was trying to support a family and I was taking a source of income from him, sort of. I decided that if all women stayed home and took care of things of the home more jobs would be available to men so that they COULD provide them "the dream" life.

So, I got married. Honestly, my expectations were never that high. I just wanted a provider who was LDS. I should have been extremely happy when I found it and was sealed in the temple and told him that he was stuck with me, and he said that was what he wanted. I had three beautiful children, no job, and was living exactly as I had been taught, but I wonder if I taint my own memory, because I recall feeling empty like something was wrong, before my life exploded.

I was hospitalized with a freak Brain/nervous system infection that nearly killed me, but I was not so lucky. huh? Why did I see it as lucky to end life? because if it was happy, ever after could stay, I thought. So, I was divorced and my ex-husband took my three children because I was deemed incompetent. Medical experts testified that I would likely never function well. I was in a wheelchair and struggled to eat and talk, and caring for young children is hard work!!

I keep getting side-tracked. perhaps this will be a multi-parter...