Aristocracy

This doctrine of being self sufficient seems aristocratic to me.

It seems that a leader has to be able to do everything by themselves. Man, I wish I haf come back and written what I was thinking.

Personal style

It is funny to notice how fashion seemsvto seemlessly flow from one extreme to the other without unattural jumps. It is a bit like evolution, or a pregnant belly, it changes gradually almost unpercievable hour by hour.

I was in my mid thirties before I felt like styles were matching what I liked. I actually never changed much what I liked, but I noticed I became more acceptable.

But, just as culture became a closer match mow it is moving away again. I think that is why we have "looks" for people of an age.  It is not a matter of physique, but matter of being stuck forever in a style. I will now dress like my grandmother simply because I am old. I still like what I like.

I remember Brandall saying that he preferred classic looks, and so if he found an article of clothing he liked, then he got several of them and appeared to wear the same clothes everyday. I like that.

I sort of do that same thing on a scale. I like an image anf use the same rules to dress everyday. I noticed that for a while everything and everyone seemed to be using the same laws. But we changed it. :)

Nothing

RAt first, I thought I was just realizing I was an idiot, no big deal, sure it hurts but knowing I am not like everyone else is nothing new.

But, it has fallen on me and crushed me wholly. I an grasping for meaning, purpose, et cetera. I am still me and stuff, I am just sick of being what everyone else needs and alone. It is compond because I have been studying the life of Ludwig Van Beethoven and I did not want to believe it, but he was,miserable, and I think, at least I have the Gospel. Do I? It has kept me alive, when I might have been happier dying before my life degenerated so much. I am debating going to try to find a piano to play cause at least I enjoy that.

I am utterly broken. And I am trying to consider why. And am hopeful. Isn't that a pattern? We need to hit rock bottom before sonething amazing occurs...I am imaginging a catastrophy and what is valuable enough to salvage? So far, I can only think of things I have been told to find valuable, not much I actually do.

Better get back to work. Gotta get Mary from school, soon.

Just a bit more...I was reading about John Chilton for FHE, which what I learned there was depressing, but I think they sacrificed and suffered so life would be better for us. But, he had been made a freeman, as a quaker before becoming a separatist.

What really upsets me is a thing that requires my attention, now though cause it has gone too far. Mary was begging to do an activity for FHE. I used to be thankful that Nick let's me do it, but he makes it miserable, and Mary Anne was so excited to do her part, so I let her choose an activity but Nick refused to take any part, typical, I do nit mind, but she does. She said, "but playing board games with your family is fun."but he still refused and said, "It can be." Urrgh! I wanted to explode and say, "This family could have a lot of fun if we had a real father in it, too." but, I only smiled thought it and played the game.  There's a whole lot more here, but I do not intend to tattle.

Job's wife

It started with a song, I was thinking about an idea proprigated in popular culture that loves and learns through stories. The fact that the hero is the first person, the one telling the story.

Pen and teller talked a bit about how magic is possible because man actually believes he can think about more than one thing, when actually, he cannot.

So, if we are seeing things from our point of view then we are the hero.

It always bothers me in terms of news stories and deaths. For example, the movie "The Secret of Nihm". It is a tale told by a mouse, making one sick mouse and a rat or two soooo significant, meanwhile a woman is raped and killed somewhere in an alley and because she is not headlining a movie we do not really concern ourselves.

Another song that I love by Nickleback When We Stand Together suddenly draws attention to soldiers being killed as you complain about your subpar breakfast...and they sing, about how we just turn off the tv and let it happen "over there" and return to what actually matters to us.

I do not know why but the song, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" felt so self-centered. "..of your plan to make me blue." Hardly, I imagine that was not the motivation of his once was lover. I wonder what we would think if we heard her song. I imagine her singing, "You don't  own me." But, nevertheless it was not intended to cause a pain, just cause it did.

(Brief pause for Wuthering Heights, and a scene in the Ralph Finnes/Juliet Binoche version, where Heathcliff marks a calendar all of the days Cathy spends with him vs. with the Lintons. He says, "It is to show that I DO take notice." She is hurting him, but makes it clear that was never her intent. If he wanted to spend time with her he ought to make such a prospect desirable.)

Ok, on to Job. He is the dude in the Bible whom God granted Satan the power to tempt and ensnare because God  was certain allowing such would not change Job's alliegence. And I was thinking how we all "coin the phrase" that "when it rains it pours", meaning that when one thing goes wrong they all do. That always reminds me of Job. He lost his house, bad. He lost his sons, bad. He lost his health, worse. And his wife died and his closest friends said he just ought to curse God and die, worst. And to me, it has always troubled me that his wife and children are easily replaced to make the ending happy, as if her life was a mere accessory to his.

I wonder what sort of story would be told if Job's wife was the central character. I get this idea not entirely originally either. One of my all-time favorite books was Jane Eyre and so, I had to know the story from the view point of Bertha Mason. That is what makes up the comoanion novel of Wide Sargasso Sea. I only actually read the sunopsis and watched a movie, cause none of it is true, ha ha ha as if Jane Eyre is.

My kids are always asking me if this or that Bible stories are true, too. The answer I give is,very important. And the answer I always give is "We believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it is translated correctly." That actually bothers me, too, but I will save that for another time. I go on to say that regardless if it is factual, the ideas a pure and help us be better people and that matters, and then tell a story I feel confident telling them is 100% true.