Us, them...

Was it always and us vs them mentality. I can think of it no other way. It is as if my being was hardwired that way and without a them there could be no us. Well, this morning, I am not sure the cost was worth it. I do not need psychedelic drugs to imagine... Do I?

Seriously, this all originated with contemplation of why opposition, always. I mean could one be them without opposing us? This is likely left over dross from choosing good guy bad guy sides where the lines are blurred...in fact, it is becoming less clear and less clear, until it fades into a hunch.

Today is a find the hidden truth day!

Usually on Wednesdays I go to the temple and ponder the pictograms from the book of Abraham, but today my pondering will take a different direction.

I will be trying to uncover enough that two contrary facts become reconciled. If they do not, at least I will be wiser and have the opportunity to practice more patience and trust in things I cannot yet understand.

Actually, I already do regarding other things namely black holes. I have never seen them, heck for all I know Australian doesn't really exist. But, enough evidence is out there and line upon line, discovery upon discovery, on the backs of predecessors I can conjecture, but this is due to my ability to simply trust things I have been taught in public school. Oh, I have a cute story!

Anecdote time!

I was at the University of Mississippi and I had grown tired of my fun with the computer lab, so I went to the library to just sort of breathe in the books for a while. Plus, there is something awe-inspiring about the library there. I would spend hours using the computer card catalog. The way one search lead to another reminds me of how I assume my ideas jump or "fire" in my brain (nueron activity). So, I decided to stop that and look around in the stacks for the most beautiful book and check it out!

I found a glorious looking book, it smelled old, too. I wondered if it could actually be checked out. (Wait, don't judge a book by the cover) I thought, someone must have really really valued this information to put such a cover on it and it's pages were begining to yellow. I checked it out entirely unaware of what it was.

In my dorm room I pulled it out and was unable to read a bit of it. It was written mostly in Latin with occasional diagrams and a lot of mathematics. I decided that this was a declaration to my soul that math, which I neglected, WAS important.

Eventually, I flipped to the cover page to discover it was Newton's Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica. I did not understand a word literally, but spiritually, I learned a lot.... Socks and shoes time....publish....more later, maybe

It's a good thing...

As I was thinking some stuff my exact thoughts were: You hear yourself? I was thinking after an LGBT Fireside, sure it worked out, but they could collaborate and make such a perfect story. I remember my terrible situation and feeling such things and Everytime I concluded the same impossible solution. I wish my situation was so cookie cutter and easy to see how to act.... Um ok, you are thinking Crazy thoughts, Melissa. They just vehemently expressed how unique their situation was, because it turned out so wonderfully does not change the terrible heartache they endured. The spirit was teaching here, did you miss it? It was obviously orchestrated that you be there and hear exactly that. Well, still, if my mouth spoke my thoughts they would sound impossible, but that is exactly what I concluded time and time again.

I need to love more. Even then I will still never earn the sort of life I desire. So what, instinct may be to hate and seek vengeance. I have even momentarily, mind you, considered how to escape by killing. Love, love, love.

Although at dinner Nick told Mary to strike back if someone harms her. This is ABSOLUTELY not how things should ever be done. My instinct is to find peace in solitude because I am miserable and misunderstood, in the fireside it was suggested that we speak up and become more involved, again, against what I might naturally do. But, oh well. I will love...and largely because I see the great good it did with Bennett and his husband at the time. Their divorce was necessary but amlicable! Enough....bedtime.

Captured my imagination

My thoughts are consumed to the point that if I do not find the solution I will not be able to rest.

My realization comes with accepting that there are constants, and operating within them is possible. At a very young age I faced a serious question regarding the age of the Earth with the existence of Dinosaur fossils. I quickly decided that such creatures formed oil which we needed to advance, ok, so that is not a real answer. But, if we keep asking, and allowing our minds arenas where truths may be shared and accepted, impossibilities become real. My mother told me that we needed not to understand everything, but just accept that God created things, but even he needed to obey to create and surely I can appreciate that. Which opened the door for a discussion where someone shared what they believed. That the fossils truly exist on our Earth, but that does not necessarily mean that Dinosaurs ever even lived on what we refer to was Earth.

Even if I struggled to follow that notion, the portion of truth I did incorporate into my reality, which is sort of McGuyverish is that for a thing to be true I need not understand how. Even if MyGuyver was trapped in a box that meant certain death, there was likely a way out that I was oblivious to. This surfaced again when the whole DNA reality challenged what I believed regarding the Book of Mormon peoples. Mom thought the whole doubt rediculous. We do not only believe because it makes sense, but to help us in times when we cannot yet make sense of a thing. So, I believed and eventually more was uncovered scientifically to prove my original ideas were completely founded on scientific reality.

Ok. So, though hard to understand somethings right now, I can trust that there are rules that I may be yet unaware of as yet to explain why a thing, or in my present confusion, how a thing is accomplished. It makes sense in terms of a TV show I just watched where the Hero is impossibly placed in situations to appear to have muddled things up, irreparably. But, a woman continues to believe in him and explains that regardless how things appear, she trusts this guy, and in the end her trust ends up justified.

So, is reality a creation, much like a poem or musical composition? When the genre changes, with it the Rhythm, Timbre and such change and become new tools, could this be true with reality, too? With the technology of an era what is real is documented differently, but it is taken into account by those who create it? My ultimate question is how can so much "transparency" be used to create the sort of reality I want vs. the reality that someone else wants and how to I converge them?

Hah! I quickly recalled an piece by Charles Ives where he fuses two genres in one saying that this one piece is of two separate bands being heard during a parade. Brilliant notion! I have much more to think of...

Howie Day songs

Whenever I listen to the songs of Howie Day I get very pensive. There is a line is Collide that says, "you make a first impression..." And the more I thought about regretting the first impression I had made in a situation or two, I felt bad. Goes back to repentance, I guess. What if Saul only got one chance at being and could not ever change, and by Saul I refer to the man the Bible refers to as Paul.

Beethoven?

Excuse me.

So, we do get to change and my thought was that perhaps in some cases we do not need a second chance just a very very long first one. Now, I am thinking of quantum physics which always makes my mind turn to God and I thought how for him all is present, so no need for first impressions if we truly focus on becoming eternal beings.

Understanding repentance

So, to repent, according to my daughter, we need a sactioned ordinance to sort of die and be reborn. That seems to go against what things I had been taught or feel, but it is working in me. I can feel it, although I do not yet understand it.

Repentance is not just improving what is. Repentance is changing what is.