what do you want (cont.)

I tried and tried during my desire to be in and thus loved to rekindle why I was married in the first place, in hopes of resuming where intended to go with the purpose that I must have intended, but as I realized it, I kept hoping that wasn't the only thing, and then I would get swept up in family because that is ultimately why I am here. I need my children and love them, and all of my progenitors.

That is what makes me even more upset though. I feel it is the best thing to teach about mortal life is to love their father through countless little ways that they can emulate and feel good anout the world, instead, I fear I fail them. What good is it to have a home and food if you do not have and teach love?

I would hope that the children can see the difference between feigned affection and real love, So what would I want most for my children?  all I know is that to do anything for them, I must be alive. what I ultimately want is to habe that part back that I had with Brandall.I recall one time I was at my sister's house and I commented that I thought that Matthew McConaghey (sp?) looked like Brandall. She said, " You think everyone looks like Brandall." It was then that I realized that I compared every man in the world tohi and loved him so much that I honestly hadn't even thought that another man dared exsist. Finally! He was EVERYTHING! but. that alone is not enough. I learned through that chance that hapiness did not depend on being in love. I am back tomy Adam and Eve paradox. what am I supposed to choose? that is what I do want, may every test give thesane result, I WANT what I am supposed to want. I still do not know what that is, though.

What do you want?

Now, there is a question that I have been asked countless times in my life, but I still do not have an answer. I ought to have said and ultimate answer. I can always think of things I would like to have, but those must cause the thing I desire, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. All mankind desires to be happy. Uh, I know I'd rather be happier if given a choice, but just being happy doesn't do as much for me as I'd suspect.

Then, I morphed my desire into love which can be coaxed out and tried on with a cheap imitation. But, after realizing that goal was too easy and not profitable, I evolved being attractive into being Godlike. But, really, no ammount of goodness is going to meet me unknown desire.

I determined that it was neither physical or spiritual alone, but a combination of both.

I learned at a young age that there are things which I do not enjoy that will eventually make me happier. So, falsely, I assumed (theorized) that if I really didn't want to do something, then that was a good indication that I found something good.

I thought that meant that I should Marry Nick, and he was very good and a man of Integrity. I lost him...I'm falling asleep.I don't know what the heck I was talking about. I better come back after I wake up.

Waiting for the dryer

I was playing with my phone, which is quite the,handy little tool. It puts all of my friends and the interesting facts of the while world at my fingertips, but after I finished,marveling at how amaizing this was, I mean, come on! This [The Internet ] is better than a stack of encyclopaedias. Anyhow, then I started thinking about how my vision was on the decline, too.

It must be an age thing. How many other things are suffering the effects of neglect, too? I only notice my vision ocassionally, and my teeth all of the time... Then the idea struck,me!

When we go to the optomotrist (sp?) He gives a test. Not the one with the letters, but the one of which is better? I think "this is serious. If I mess this up, My eyes will suffer LONGterm." But,  most of the time it is not obvious. I cannot decide and I get all anxious. Is he wondering a preference or is one suppose to appear differently? meaning, more clearly. This suggests that we do not perceive things the same, yeah, big deal, huh?

Seriously, I have noticed before when,looking at photos that other people seem to focus and thus notice things differently. I have completely missed what was obvious to lots of comments.

I have noticed the same thing in how I regard myself and others, my "view" is entirely different. It is not a matter of anything being better or even more correct, unless you think along the lines of. "I believe... That you believe it." Ok, well, that is step one. Step Two, would be to figure out why I believe it. Or trying to "walk in my shoes". Though a neat idea, you could never have my perspective, it is unique, but you could love it, if you tried.

let's play a game

ok, I thought of a great way to spend my thoughts, but do not think it is really great unless entertainment is my goal. Enlightening? not so much.

Ok, here comes your assignment:

What will happen after death? and why do you suppose that?

I just think that they probably won't have computers or social media websites so I'd better practice actually communicating with people. I better remember how to add and subtract, too. Oh, If our bodies are burried does that mean we won't have them? I'll get hungry.

Will we even be able to tell much of a difference? Oh yeah, no screaming babies... but where do I get that?

Anyway, this ought to give you lots to think about that you may not otherwise, and it will likely have consequence.

I don't have to think about this right now

My biggest deception has been the lie I have constantly told myself, in hopes of prtecting myself. The very thing I placed as a wall has become something else And what it has effectively done hass  kept me from getting any help.

 It was illustrated best in a stargate Atlantis episode where Dr. McKay puts on a shield using his newly aquired "ancient" DNA. Everyone thinks it is so cool and they all covet this device thinking how wonderful it would be to be invincible, but, it also threatens to kill him because among the things whiich cannot cross the barrier is sustainance. Now, I could go an entirely different direction with this thought because it was funny to me that the only thing he actually tried to digest was coffee, which perhaps the ancients saw as harmful and were protecting him. It's a whole lot like iRobot where the machines do nothing but exactly what they were intended to do "protect humans" the touble is that so many have different ideas about what this entails.

See? my next thought, which I'll save for later was about how difficult parenting is because we get married to someone we are attracted to with no thought about who they are or how they will go abut raising the "ideal child".

Ok, this circles back to my original unconcluded thought. I did not marry because I was attracted to someone, it was more or less because I was programed to do such. Afterall, "It's not good to be alone."

My greatest deception which requires much analizing is that I have been telling myself that my situation is somehow unique and unlike any other so that makes me an exception, not the rule itself, placing myself in new territory.

No one has ecxperienced what I have (which technically is true for anyone)  and no one else has the solution that I desperately need (which is the lie). But, I aready explained that I do not have the time to ponder on that right now. Infact, I have used all of my time typing this...

blank

what was AnneFrank's diary's name?

I really need a name to write to, it would feel less insane to be telling someone these things with an occasional onlooker. Plus, it would feel more honest and sincere because my tone changes alot from what was intended by the simple thought of who is my audience.

my thoughts ought to focus on a fitting name. This reminds me of a little child who after being told that he is too old for imaginary friend wonders why we pray to someone we cannot see.

I cannot see you, though it makes little difference to me. Vision is a pretty undervalued sense for me.

Dear so and so,

Your way of life wasn't wrong, it was your approach. Untill you see things differently they will not be any different.

What if...

My brother, Jeremy used to say "wahf?" all of the time which in translated to mean "what if" I think Gavin might give him a run for his money on that one though. "Mom? what if it stated raining lava on us right now?" I suppose we would die. Dare I wonder why he asked?

Gavin says, "Hahn!" all of the time, it means "Hold on", but I was thinking a what if of my own, not strange contractions though that is what came out when I started typing.

My question is "What if people knew what I was really thinking?" I have to think about how to lead others to believe that I am even really about what I pretend to be about. To me, that is what relationships are about, seriously only one person knows the things I really think, and even they don"t really know the whole of it. But, there is a peace that comes from being able to have honest communication with another.

I was always a bit of a lone wolf through school because I figured that no one would really comprehend what I'm talking about anyway, so why waste my time. So, then I married a Mormon thinking that I would be able to speak in my own vernacular and be understood, but he was a recent convert and didn't have as firm grasp on things, so then I met Nicholas who was one of those "Utah m
Mormons all of his life" and I figured that he would "get me." Well, he's got me, but doesn't really come close to communicating with me.

But, you know what? I do not think I get myself most of the time, either. If someone else understood me they would have to translate back so that I could understand. For instance, I found a code I had written in another language. It was then ciphered into hex, etc. I vaguely recall thinking something and then thinking that it should not be written down, so it was recorded in some strange language that was then translated two additional times.

Well, with time I am much stupider. I just don't get it. I often read things or remember things that I said that I haven't even figured out yet, or am just now "getting it". So much for "things get better with age." I suppose that would work if I were cheese or wine or something.

So what if someone actually understood what I was thinking? Well, my smart witted answer is, "then I wouldn't have to tell them."

this is reasonable

when most people would agree with you. It is reasonable.
if you can prove it somehow... It is reasonable.
When people can make sense of it. It is reasonable.
If it has been said many times, it is reasonable.

It seems like to be reasonable you need to be supported by a peer group. here is a cliche' "there is security in numbers." so it has been deduced that it is safe to be reasonable.

I am still thinking on this one,but I have noticed a trend of praising the non-conformist, until hey become a group, too. We just try to give others security no matter what they do, but who gave it to the giver in the first place?

You're strange because you do not do what everyone else says, but that is acceptable because you are just a free-thinker or something...

Sephiroth as an old man

It is fun to pass the time thinking of "bad guys" llosing to age when they seem to inpermiable and heroic in their youth. But, I have lost many battle which I was supposed to win, but then won the ones I was thought to loose.

My favorite villian is Sephiroth, I am not even sure that age or death will be able to take it's toll on him. What? will his hair turn white? ha ha ha. Really, if we do not even know his origin. His cells come from Genova, what sort of half-life would those cells inherit?

But, to know about his story it has an end, right? But, how does he die for real (permanently) even that cannot be figured because he seems to be defeated over and over, but then pops up again. Well, with my sort of finite logic, he is dead now, and I think age killed him.

rain, rain, go away!

lol and please come back when you find a more convenient way to be moisture. Or someone just go shoot those crazy Mormons for praying so much for rain. Wait, I'm a Mormon, and I rather like to stay alive today, "I'd like to keep my jeans dry today-ay-ay".

I took the kids to the park and just as we returned home, it started raining. I always remember that day because the other kids were performing a rain dance at the park, and we rushed home. Brandall had come while we were rushing home, but he came back, :)

It was funy a little girl got mad at the kids for their rain dance (which seemed to be working) and screamed out "No! Rain, rain, go away." Joe yelled back "Yes" And an official argument had begun. But, it was interrupted by a loud crack of thunder. I pretended it was a gunshot and told Joseph to come quickly, they had guns!

the way thoughts connect

Every person and place or thing is stored in our brains. Each noun is usually stored with a particular distinguishing feature. For me it is usually a much less visual thing. In grade school our teacher was excused and we were asked to recreate him. It was supposed to be a test of our memory, but from other's artistry in contrast to mine, I realized that it wasn't so much about remembering as seeing thing. I have never been much of a visual artist,. My mind just doesn't work that way. I also recall a time my oldest daughter asked me to draw a dinosaur, and I couldn't, even though pateontology has always been a passion of mine. I drew something and she looked and said, "No. I meant a prehistoric creature. Try again." Her dad had to come draw one for her.

I played a game with the primary children at church. I gave them all crayons and paper and then played a recording of a composition of mine. I asked them to draw what they heard. It was uncanny how accurate their representations were. At first, no one wanted to share their drawing out of fear that the others would laugh or tease them, but as a few brave souls showed what they draw and told about it, they were praised and eventually everyone wanted to share their drawing, too.

I had thought before about talents, and did not start with any intention of even mentioning them, but I figured it was like how artists draw likenesses of people or something for money. Maybe I could compose songs for people, places, or things. which leads me to point out the inadequacy of converting our thoughts to words (without a lot of practice).

I used to like to listen to "absolute music" and I really felt what it was saying more than songs with words, which is why I actually wrote tonight in the first place, I thought about how I think of people and I assign a little value to mean them, likely, they have no thought (awareness) of this. for years I used hair because I felt like it adequately represented someone. They had some choice in that matter (Of how to wear or style it). I stil do that to some degree, and my strongest recollections of people come through not scent or physique, but hair.

I ought to say something about hair bands, but I won't.

Aside: It was so cool today when Elder Packer told how he always knew what to say, and felt that it wasn't too much to say even though it felt like he was blabering. The funny part came when he was saying how everyone has profound experiences regarding how temples effected their families, for him it was his parents always making temple attendance a priority. He asked Russel Nelson if this was the case for him, too. "No. Actually. My parents weren't sealed until they were in their 80's" :) replied Elder Nelson.


I was playing a game to keep my mind plugging away at things other than what it keeps settling on. The game was to think of people and just think of the little associations that I make with them. I was listening to a song last night and I didn't even hear any lyrics. That song will always mean something different to me. I was awestruck by the perfomance, specifically, the breathing. Every performer must breathe or they'd die, so it is not a good symbol to represent (differentiate) this song, but that's how my mind works and it associated the song with Johnny Depp who mentioned that those who truly "live" appreciate each breath. Once in a lesson on being Unprofitable servants one of the things mentioned that is a gift is air. Back to songs, I don't think that I have started trying to listen to catch each performer breathing. It just naturally struck me as a really cool performance technique.

Ok, I passed enough time. urr wasted it, is more like it. I have little to show for it. other than I did actually record my feelings which I know I ought to do. That is right, although deciding if my thoughts themselves are right or wrong is not of my concern.

thinking to pass the time

thinking to pass the time can become a habit, that leads to stronger convictions and understanding why. By Why I mean the great WHY?  If you are not ready to undersrtand, do not start thinking too much.

a good thought to save for a rainy day

expound on this one: "Besides, anyone who doesn't really - I mean *really* - want the truth, doesn't deserve it anyway." written by, or more importantly thought by Tal Bachman. It really makes me feel small and pitiful to see myself from his point of view, oh well. I can just brush it off. I don't have to remember it because I typed it here.

view his blog here: http://tbachman.blogspot.com

generalities

If I look for the lowest denominator, or in other words, get down to the real matter of things, the things I feel could be familiar and appreciated by amost anyone.

I noticed that today when someone told "their" story but instead I whittled their words down to a simple story of a girl who was happy but wanted more. She wanted to be like others, who she saw had a great deal of peace. So, confused and tired of being confused, she sought an answer and her answer was only a suggestion. But, the answer was that she ought to do something that wasn't even being considered. But, she did want to achieve in a similtude what her examples had, so she blindly did it, and currently can testify that though not anything planned, her life was so much better.

Ok, this is commendable and given to us all as an example of how having faith can do things for us that are all the better than we ever imagined. In her story she did not even think about having children, and she never wanted to be married. But, she is married well and has 4 children and is expecting twins! And she loves her life and must be strong to live it. Her strength is amost palapable.

Take a moment to play this game with me. Pretend that you have been asked to share your story, Have you even lived it yet? How can you reduce it to a skeleton? Now, you have a story that you can write to everyone, Maybe make substituions that are not "Your" personal story, but that is how we write really good and lasting stories.

For instance, the original story might be about you, but it isn't is is about a lady from Mexico who ended up in Utah by way of California and worked for years at a costco. I know, it hardly seems as powerful when you add the details back in. So instead tell about a man from Washington DC who is the son of an embassador to Africa and that he was on a pilgrimage to College to study Astronomy, but he just felt an emptiness and long t emulate the example of entire peace that he felt when he traveled with his dad to remote parts of Africa after a flood. He Saw a little family of tribal people who seemed to be at peace with everything around them nd did not feel like Astronomy was going to do that for him, though he loved the stars. Ya da ya da... You get the point.

Just a thought worth having

i ask, what good is it to have a thought if you don't share it. I already got the use out of it when I thought it, So I am going to jot it down here for later use, maybe my own. It is a valuable lesson. I was thinking of lyrics for a song I wanted to write about how everyone I love has been put into the spotlight, which means they are fully loved already by the time I am introduced to their likes. I think I would like very much to meet someone no one else has noticed, but this is the very thoughts that I had which led me or rather whiplashed me to Brandall.

Now, I realize that it was against several of my promises to myself but most importantly it was agaigst the advice that has strangely been given to me one day when I annonounced that I was to be sealed to Robert Woodruff in the Manti Temple! I was warned to be sure that I love the whole and not just parts. She told me a story about meeting her husband, but first getting advice because she was already in love with someone, though she knew it was the wrong person. Her bishop explained the happening. He said that the person that she loved possesed certain traits and if another posessed these traits she would not love them just because he wasn't the perfectly right fit for her. Anyway she advised me to becarefull because we play tricks on ourself when we fall in love and don't even seem to notice other things.

I didn't knowingly disregard her advice, though I honestly didn't think I'd ever find a reason to need it. I was going to Marry Robert who I was in love with because he was so wise and good, and he obviously loved me. He gave me a heart! It was such a beautiful sentiment, only it perplexed me that his parents kept saying that I did not love him. It was true that I was not attracted to him, but one day when he came home from work (midnight shift) I was playing the piano just waiting patiently to see him ( he would make me breakfast, too! Breakfast burritos I still remember the whole visit) he didn't even sa hello he just kissed me and I knew that I loved him. So, breaking things off after I had a ring and a temple date set was hard, How different my life would have been.

Now, I see that if I had heeded that advice I would have saved myself a whole lot of heartache, and I'd not be so tangled in this web. So, I hope it helps someone else. My advice added is merely a suggestion, make sure you love everything about your sweetheart, there is a whole lot that you won't just naturally know either. Decide to love the things you discover, the lives of your born or unborn children depend on this.

As for me? I'd most likely make the exact same mistake over again, believing I could change things somehow. Seriously, there were lots of things that I learned were important to me that I never knew. It's kind of funny, those things Brandall wasn't I made sure Nick was, but neither is entirely what I need, though admittedly, Brandall feels closer. But Nick is my mind's choice. they don't agree on that, yet. Though the can find a common ground of "none of the above." I'm really lost, maybe i ought to review every bit and morsel of good advice I've had looking for clues.

honestly

People say that I'm tall but, neither my husband or I are what is considered a tall person. What they mean by it is that we are taller than them, but really it doesn't matter much.

My Super Master plan!

"and when you recieve these things..."

1) Do whatever it takes to get my question to someone who can and will answer.

2) Accept the answer as truth(avoiding the responsibility for the veracity of my answer) and obey.

this is so plain and easy to understand. It is a whole lot like my previous master plan: 1) Know what is right. and 2) Do it.

But, there are alot of details to this plan. but, it feels good knowing that I do have a plan and know where I am and where I am headed.

Obvious foreshadowing

Yeah, you'd think the characters would notice things that the reader picks up on but like the characters in the story we are all a touch slow when it comes to our own stories.

Alot of things have been neatly prepared for me, but the final step is more of a leap, like that first step out your door Bilbo Baggins talks about or that cool "leap of faith" in the "Temple of Doom." Now that I know what to do, that does not make it any easier,\. The only thing that pushes me forward is, no, not encouragement from others, but a hope that it will be more than worth it, I've heard such a situation refered to as a "pipe dream". I assume that is reckoning back to a dream-like state brought on by smoking a pipe of peyote or something. Fiction seems realer than reality but trying to bridge that gap, or turn a dreamed notion into reality though it seems likely to be true is still not reasonable. such are my delusions.

Dr. Eleazar

When I was first given an MRI in Gallatin, the resident Nuerologist said that my scan was normal, but Dr. Eleazar disagreed and I was sent via ambulance to Vanderbilt, where at night little nurses came in and asked if they could sneak a peek at my baby through the U/S Machine, ok they didn't ask, but I was still aware but pretended to not be because they were students and I wanted to help. it was sucha small thing. I ended upsigning away to be included in several studies that used tissue and fluid from my brain biopsy and spinal fluid from Lumbar Punctures. The strangest request was from a Pyschologist, who asked my permission to publish a story about me in an article he was writting. I do not even know what it was about. But, I was reviewing several points of interest in my mind.

I decided to see a psychologist after I fiished my time with therapists who said I was fine, but clearly, I wasn't.

On my first visit to Dr. Eleazar he thanked me for chosing him and asked if I even knew who he was. I said "The good doctor" I recall he even visited me in Vanderbilt, but at the time I just assumed that he was part of the assigned Nuerologists, who, when one guy left, I started crying and told them that I was sorry for their loss, I thought he had died. lol.

He gave me a piece of paper and asked me to fold it. I was confused as to what this would ascertain, but he also took my weight and told me that I was not even close to being overweight when I asked if he could write me a perscription for weight loss.

Here is the kicker! He asked me to remember three things and I told him what they were before he said them. Pink, Piano and Kentucky. during my "talks" with people in the hospital I was asked things I still cannot think of (like the date or the President - but I listed them in succession from George Washington in order according to my mother, strange) Anyway he had asked me to remember three things then and never asked for them again. He still hasn't. So, I took liberties to blurt them out then.

I have strong memories of his office on Main street in Gallatin, and his receptionist, but Brandall told me that my medical bills were over 500 thousand dollars, so I decided if I was going to be accountable I needed to stop incurring debt.
that Memory Shifted as I was looking at pictures made by my children for a mothers day years ago. I remembered the time I visited hmmmmm, he worked on cars, she had a Volvo SW and theit name started with W. And she had a dughter in cookeville. Anyway, I told them that I was really fond of their interior decor. On the way home Brandall (who is quite spartan in his decor) warned me that he would not allow such over decoration. Oh! perish the thought. I just liked it for them. I believe Lena stayed there one time and fell down a step, I recall odd things even still.

realize this!

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible so that I wouldn't have time to realize this.

After allowing myself to think about it, it changes nothing, so fooey!

I realized that I loved Brandall but I could not love him because of what he did, I could no sooner love satan as I thought was possible. Now I know that forgiveness has limits. love does not overcome betrayal in every case. I was wrong about other things, too. I did not think that I could forgive the people that tortured and killed the savior. On my cell phone I gave my exhusband the name of Judas Iscariot, but my children kept asking about it, soI stopped doing that. It isn't really as fitting as I thought. I can forgive Judas, but I cannot forgive Brandall. He tried to ruin something that cannot be replaced, Judasonly ruined something that was supposed to be ruined.

I thought maybe I could forgive him and return to what was, because I have tried so hard to recreate it, but cannot, My love is not to be duplicated, it is totally different, so much that I eve thought that it might not be love yet, because I knew the strong feeling I get about Nick is only Hate, but I am still learning and there is much wisdom to not doing what comes naturally or first, but wait and see.

Worst of all, I realized that Brandall was somehow right, I did love someone else vicariously, not instead of him though. That was why I chose him I see it now. I honestly do not know what to call it, but I do not make all of my choices as I had thought I do. but, I will be responsible even if I do not yet understand a whole lot.

I try even now, not to admit it even just to myself, in secret, but there it is, I'll not dwell on it after admitting it though, but there has always been something else that I was looking for, and I had even been warned, or foreshadowingly told to not fall for most, but hold out for the whole. if I had been as happy as I thought I was I would not be in this situation. it has been a blessing, a glimpse into "but what if". I got everything I thought I needed, as I always do but was shown that my choice, when I could rightfully make it was what I have now. So, I'll stop blaming Nicholas for taking advantage of a win situation for him, he took a risk, that must always be done to achieve greater. Crud, am I referring to myself as a prize? bah!

regardless, realizing things were one way when I always though they were truly another changes nothing, but my resolve. I need to go find a crochet hook, now that I've taken the time to realize all of this.