What are you looking for?

I was thinking again.

This time I was thinking about how my mental state is very similar to my original self or old one before my illness. I was realizing how in a way I relived all of my life in a much quicker pace. I revisited each mental and emotional state and I concluded that I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I still want foremost to belong. How dare I continue forward and bring lives into a world when I have not figured out my place yet?

Erickson's theory is right. Until we get it right we cannot really move forward. There are many ways to make up for deficiencies, but the only way is to acknowledge a failure and repent, and do over.

As I was thinking about what I did and what I should have done I instantly thought about my employment rejections and how sad they made me, but I can see, through them, that any rejection is ultimately for our own good. Let me explain. See you in the next paragraph.

Ah, you made it! It occured to me that even though not getting a job meant no opportunity to try to fit, but job descriptions and trial periods attempt to show what kind of peg will fit. And just because you do not fit one job only means there is another one perfectly suited for you out there somewhere.

It is so much easier to talk about distant things, like our stories that are long ago or far away. Growing up, I felt very distant from popular culture. Magazines and ads had no effect on me cause they were of and for people in some other world. I wasn't one of them, and I didn't care what those "city slickers" did. I wasn't.fond, in the least, of their styles or such anyway.

But, then I toured Europe, went to a fine arts camp, and now we have the internet. We actually, must coexist with those unreal lifestyles, and fashions.

I knew of a "skater", and I actually held his hand in a game once, so he was real. I had the hugest crush on him. Kevin O'Bryant. Probably never knew that I exsisted. He was a Chatanoga boy. Or in other words from the Big City. We were both on the Stake Youth Committee but,  I never thought that type of person had a place in my world, until a missionary, Elder Johnson, came to Elkhart, IN and he had a DM tie tack. What the heck was DM? I was a Drum Major, maybe that's what it was! Ends up, it was a music group. They were labled New Age, something city people listned to. I bet Kevin O'Bryant did. I heard a lady at church sing with a vibrato once, but everyone laughed and thought it a strange thing to do. Maybe that was new age.

Like I said, I,have lived through all of that and now imerge, able to think well, I think, but I do not know what in the heck I am doing. The person I was before would have never done it, and I do not approve, but what can I do? It seems any solution lies outside myself.

I feel like the brother of Jared when asked, what do you want me to do? Fix it and make it all better. The other world says, " If you have enough money you can do it for yourself." But, my world says, "If you want to be obedient, you have to take responsibility, but do what you decide is best, if it fails you learn what not to do and if you don't fail you'll succeed. But, doing nothing is foolish and worst of all selfish."

an internet game

think of what most interests you. Boil that down to one word, Now search on a search engine with your name.

Something to think about, and entertain yourself

What is your purpose, meaning what on Earth are you doing here?

Silver

It is obvious to us in retrespect how Judas valued money more than things pertaining to eternity. But, as things, namely situations, unfold around us do we inappropriately judge the worth of things, as well? That is your question for the day.

Nature vs Nuture

Now, that I understand, I don't really recommend knowing it is sort of like trying to open a package with a two-sided pair if scissors that will harm you if you harm the packaging. But, unharmed the package is secretly potential nagging at you, and it is obvious to everyone that I blabber, or relate and equalize by sharing the advantages, but in this case, I wonder if I even should tell you what I gained, because I.do not know what you are willing to loose

It became obvious to me a few days ago, but my most important example was only recently shown to,me. My husband has had incredible and laudibly, a most desirable nurturing, and so he assumed that I am a product of my incredible nurturing. That got me curious and started my whole contemplation of this matter.

But, the other day an example was more perfect. We both took in the same words (hence we received the same nurturing) but it effected us completely differently. Now, I can see a valid argument forming that obviously the time of pur nurture in the past formed our current natures thus our perceptions which are obviously different.

To me, it is something else. It actually determines our sex, the thing we define as our nature or our heart as in "listen to your heart" it is actually our already matured spirits. And that, is the most difficult thing for me to accept. My spirit is not compatible with Nick's. It was his nature that rejected the gospel and makes him so resistant to it.

Given the same opportunities he will almost always choose a seperate path. Whereas, the truth that I learned and misunderstood was that those without great opportunities end up worse off and overlooked when their spirits would have chosen such great things had they been given the chance.

It is true that we will get needed opportunities, I had assumed that my husband and I just had differences that provided strength, so when we had completely different effects of the same nurturing, it was of greater consequence because it answered a deeper but same question. Is it better to could or would?

I married Nick who had not chosen very well in the past because at least he could whereas that would be better than choosing to chase another who in best case scenario only would if he could. But, when you start to understand nurture vs. nature it helps us understand why people do things, and it is my goal to find a diamond in the rough, but I wanted to find someone who would, or had a similar nature. And now, I am so upset and almost inconsolable because I see why Nick behaves so differently than would,be expected by me but it is so expected and he finds many "kindred spirits" in the world around himself. Fundamentally, there are many who have the same "heart"as he does. And what makes him so precious,is how,much he has accomplished in this life, despite what he started with.

I have heard before people say things like, "you just have an old spirit." Or even, "I was [ so and so ] in another life." Such ideas are attractive because they explain parts of our understanding that langue fails to define.

If you're good you're good

I was just thinking about concepts and how we believe they are loved independently, but then I realized that I like Christianity but I don't like Obama. When really the ideas concepts are the same. You do something that puts you in debt and then ask for a bailout.

Shocking words

I've got a song stuck in my head. It goes, "Kicks just keep gettin' harder to find, but all your kicks ain't brining you peace of mind..." Yeah, while the world was changing I was listening to and watching the Monkees. My idea of scandalous is different than almost everybody else who is looking for a word to shock or titilate everyone.

In class on Sunday, a teacher used lots of words to shock us, like shiz, freak and even said "What the Fuh!" It worked we were all shocked. It was done to bring out the differences,between the ages in what is acceptable now vs. then.

Ofcourse it was taught that the words only represent our thoughts so no matter what we call them out loud, the effect or meaning is the same, so we need to stop feeling ok about not actually saying or doing anything bad.

It got me thinking about how sex oriented TV and music are, and almost everything commercial is for shock value, things like depicting or referring to sex is supposed to shock, but kicks just keep getting harder to find.

What was really interesting to me was when I thought about what would similarly shock or allure me, it made me realize how unnormal I was. For instance talk of sex or a naked man have no effect on me, but talk of security or breathing is sort of scandalous in my mind.

I noticed in many old dramas how touching hands or dancing meant something touching sacred to them, it means nothing to me. It is like the word piss in the Bible. I cannot say it, yet it was written unashamedly by prophets and religious scholars, or the word we all giggled at as children as we read about the Ass in the manger.