I was a bright young scientist. ok, that is how I fancied myself, really I was just a distance running Music major. I attended collgeg at the University of Mississippi and realized that I wanted to see the world, so I drove out west. I ended up working for boeing in Washington doing hardwaresupport under the IBM/Microserve Contract. though I was actually a TSS Employee oh! it was confusing. I worked mostly on HP Plotters and Dell desktops.I was a feild engineer/ hero in my old 1983 silver 240 turbo Volvo sedan. I ate primarily Gardettos and listened to alot of Mlan and Morrissey (or the Smiths) as I drove around Kent & Auburn.
I got a job doing software support for MIcrosoft via Keanne/Staffmark, and moved to Renton and worked in bellevue. I met Brandall in Nashville. who was a sound recording major at some school in Texas. I drove to Nashville to work as a TEchnical trainer at Athena Computer Learning center, and Met and married Brandall. the I got sick after two healthy pregnancies. my third I was taken to three hospitals and no one could figure out what was wrong. it ends up, I had histoplasmosis that when I got pregnant it got into my nervous system. I still have Ballance/coordination issues. Brandall dumped me at my parents house in Mississippi, where I lived for a while until I decided that I was an adult and ought to take care of myself, something brandall obviously wasn't going to do.
my son was born early after two miscarriages, he also had open heart surgery. but is strong and well. It is my goal to find peace in life again. sure I accept that I'm not ugly or fat. but I am not a supernmodel and I do not even have a goos reason for wanting to be one, I'm still working on that.
I have learned, most importantly, that we develop other skills in place of what we loose, as a coping technique. I feel quite fortunate to be alive and able to walk, breathe eat, etc. there really ought not to be room in my thoughts for wanting to be beautiful, but I do. when I look around I see that I'm already cuter than most people, but For some reason I'm not satisfied.
one of my dear friends said that was what made me so good at things, my unacceptance of mediocrity. I admit feeling like I always have to be the best. oh well.
anyway that is a pretty good summaratation of me. If I was creating a fiction. I would've developed my chracter better, but this is just an honest to goodness history.
now, I live in Utah where I am very happy, and feel like I belong. all I need is to be divorced now so I can get custody of my children and raise a family the right way. I'm currenty taking notes.
I am very much in love with Nicholas Holden, though he probably doubts such, but that's of no conseqiuence because I know he really likes me and I technically am still married anyway. like I said, everything is going to work out for the best. I see myself being healthy and strong again and others will doubt such a horriffic tale, though at times, truth can be stranger than fiction.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Utah
This place is so cool. today I'm going to go to see the canon in the fall trees with leaves changing colors. And I get to go see the Logan Teple in person, that will be cool.
A really nice lady brought me more free clothes yesterday, It was so much fun, it is marvelous, not only does she belive the same things as me, but she is a paralegal and defended her self in divorce and got custody of her children when her husband accused her falsely. sound familiar? well, there is hope. She is very happy, course she said that it wasn't easy, and it was 15 years ago. but I think she is believable and can cathatically help herself in helping me, so I let her.
I got stuff for Brandall that I need to send to him today. His birthday is on the 22.
I hope it will make him happy even though he says that I'm crazy.
I talked to jim last night, too. he thinks It was very selfish and irresponsible to leave my kids in another state, but he just doesn't understand. oh well.
My life will be good, and my kids will be happiest and well-cared for. they will have very good memories, I am the one who is hurt by this not them. It is all in my journsals.
ok, I cannot cry right now. I am staying with a family of 6 children and they all want to use my computer, and cellphone. I don't actually blame them.
A really nice lady brought me more free clothes yesterday, It was so much fun, it is marvelous, not only does she belive the same things as me, but she is a paralegal and defended her self in divorce and got custody of her children when her husband accused her falsely. sound familiar? well, there is hope. She is very happy, course she said that it wasn't easy, and it was 15 years ago. but I think she is believable and can cathatically help herself in helping me, so I let her.
I got stuff for Brandall that I need to send to him today. His birthday is on the 22.
I hope it will make him happy even though he says that I'm crazy.
I talked to jim last night, too. he thinks It was very selfish and irresponsible to leave my kids in another state, but he just doesn't understand. oh well.
My life will be good, and my kids will be happiest and well-cared for. they will have very good memories, I am the one who is hurt by this not them. It is all in my journsals.
ok, I cannot cry right now. I am staying with a family of 6 children and they all want to use my computer, and cellphone. I don't actually blame them.
Friday, October 10, 2008
cool email alert!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!
Think about this one:
1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.
It is Time for America to Speak up !
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!
Think about this one:
1. Cows
2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.
It is Time for America to Speak up !
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
my conclusions - very blunt
I was worried about how I looked, not just being healthy and happy, which caused me alot of unnecessary grief. I mentally could understand the error of my ways but lacked the knowledge of how to apply it. after alot of serious consideration. I thought more deeply on who i was and what I needed. True i was falling in love with someone i thought was "perfect" for me in body, mind and spirit. but after a few talks of conference things clicked and I realized how vain and prideful I was being. It was like eating the fruit from nephi's vision and then feeling ashamed cause of the spacious building.
As I listened more things opened in my mind. i realized that it was both good and very bad to be enlightened. "Ignorance is Bliss." it is harder but better to be forced to choose something over the other when you can rationalize either being correct. or a while thinking about things existing on levels of correctness worked that both things could be right, but one more correct than the other. but Then I though how I just want someone to give a talk on revelation and just explain precisely how we know things are true. it will never happen. so I write to fill that void caused commonly in the hearts and minds of those who suffer like I do.
when the spirit speaks to your heart it is undeniable, it is a calm peace that causes your burdens to "seem" meaningless and light. I am LDS not because of the rhetoric of the church, or cause my dad is bigger than your dad, but because I have felt it. the holy ghost has undeniably spoken words to my heart, that my whole self agrees on. people talked about early saints having a sure conviction of the truth, yet being disgusting to the Lord because of other faults. Lehi's dream made more sense, not that it lacked understanding or clarity notably in the first place. there was another anecdote that explained the point that we can "Know enough" without understanding everything. that made another huge impression. A Missionary said that he Didn't "Know" that what he was doing was right. but his mentor got the whispering in his heart (other men are easier to believe than the spirit, huh?) that this young man did so "know" and as he told the man he was wrong, he did know he was right. The Spirit spoke through him to this man (a real 'teaching moment').
Since no one will read this much except for myself in the future, think to laugh on this all. i very nearly fell in love with a guy on twitter who i thought was all i wanted, and was ready to rationalize that I already lived and accomplished all I needed so the rest of this life was just bonus time for me, I could do all the things I would if i were completely free off "ought to do's". but I made that mistake before. I dumped Robert for Mike cause he said he rode his bike across Scotland, bout me antiquarian books, and worked at Microsoft. turns out Robert was perfect for me, though Mike seemed to be. I met Mike at the SF Bridge, and when to Yellow Stone & Manti with Robert, Duh! though Mike won me over in making sure our motel in Berkley was safe, and i really liked his computer. I vainly thought you could tell alot about someone from their computer. False. it is potential that you ought to judge by, not what they choose. and here I thought all along Actions speak louder than words, and so they are most important. wrong. actions arr more important than words, but a personal anecdote that I'll not relate taught me that potential is more important. Communication cannot be forged out of sheer will power, another vain thing I believed. I did not consider myself a vain and overly proud person, but my realities show me that I did need to be humbled. We are purposely given weaknesses.
As I listened more things opened in my mind. i realized that it was both good and very bad to be enlightened. "Ignorance is Bliss." it is harder but better to be forced to choose something over the other when you can rationalize either being correct. or a while thinking about things existing on levels of correctness worked that both things could be right, but one more correct than the other. but Then I though how I just want someone to give a talk on revelation and just explain precisely how we know things are true. it will never happen. so I write to fill that void caused commonly in the hearts and minds of those who suffer like I do.
when the spirit speaks to your heart it is undeniable, it is a calm peace that causes your burdens to "seem" meaningless and light. I am LDS not because of the rhetoric of the church, or cause my dad is bigger than your dad, but because I have felt it. the holy ghost has undeniably spoken words to my heart, that my whole self agrees on. people talked about early saints having a sure conviction of the truth, yet being disgusting to the Lord because of other faults. Lehi's dream made more sense, not that it lacked understanding or clarity notably in the first place. there was another anecdote that explained the point that we can "Know enough" without understanding everything. that made another huge impression. A Missionary said that he Didn't "Know" that what he was doing was right. but his mentor got the whispering in his heart (other men are easier to believe than the spirit, huh?) that this young man did so "know" and as he told the man he was wrong, he did know he was right. The Spirit spoke through him to this man (a real 'teaching moment').
Since no one will read this much except for myself in the future, think to laugh on this all. i very nearly fell in love with a guy on twitter who i thought was all i wanted, and was ready to rationalize that I already lived and accomplished all I needed so the rest of this life was just bonus time for me, I could do all the things I would if i were completely free off "ought to do's". but I made that mistake before. I dumped Robert for Mike cause he said he rode his bike across Scotland, bout me antiquarian books, and worked at Microsoft. turns out Robert was perfect for me, though Mike seemed to be. I met Mike at the SF Bridge, and when to Yellow Stone & Manti with Robert, Duh! though Mike won me over in making sure our motel in Berkley was safe, and i really liked his computer. I vainly thought you could tell alot about someone from their computer. False. it is potential that you ought to judge by, not what they choose. and here I thought all along Actions speak louder than words, and so they are most important. wrong. actions arr more important than words, but a personal anecdote that I'll not relate taught me that potential is more important. Communication cannot be forged out of sheer will power, another vain thing I believed. I did not consider myself a vain and overly proud person, but my realities show me that I did need to be humbled. We are purposely given weaknesses.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Nickelback does it again.
http://youtu.be/Q0VRj2uw9L0
I love them, it is like loving a man, they offer the whole package. good thoughts, Good lyrics, Good music, good songs.
I've got it!
It's about power. If I was beautiful, I could do alot more.
it is a catch 22 thing. I used to complain that I didn't want to be thought of as a cute bimbo but I lived most of my life that way and got good at it. I actually have the opportunity to change that, but only care that I am not so beautiful. I guess the old adage fits, "Be careful what you wish for." now I can go get hired an never be accused of only getting the job cause I was cute. now it will be because I am qualified. I worked with alot of other hideous people who I fought for so they would get fair treatment. My leverage was being pretty and intimidating. I can still beat up alot of geeks and am still tall, but I wouldn't get whistled at as I walk down the street anymore,
Nick says that he is already prepared to fight the guys off and wishes I was uglier, I think he is just being nice, and protective. oh well. I know what I want to be pretty, and the first step to avoiding a reap is knowing of its existence. I just love Dune.
it is a catch 22 thing. I used to complain that I didn't want to be thought of as a cute bimbo but I lived most of my life that way and got good at it. I actually have the opportunity to change that, but only care that I am not so beautiful. I guess the old adage fits, "Be careful what you wish for." now I can go get hired an never be accused of only getting the job cause I was cute. now it will be because I am qualified. I worked with alot of other hideous people who I fought for so they would get fair treatment. My leverage was being pretty and intimidating. I can still beat up alot of geeks and am still tall, but I wouldn't get whistled at as I walk down the street anymore,
Nick says that he is already prepared to fight the guys off and wishes I was uglier, I think he is just being nice, and protective. oh well. I know what I want to be pretty, and the first step to avoiding a reap is knowing of its existence. I just love Dune.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Enough is enough!
ok, I'm ticked off and I need to go to sleep to refresh my mind.
but I had a new idea. I thought as I read another blog that I actually could write about the same thoughts I think I have actually, it made me eel better because they struggle too but even amidst apparent success they failed, so i am doing ok, though at times i feel like I'm failing. life is way too long to Judge anyone based on anything but potential.
wanting to be beautiful is most important to me and I thought it was just to attract a husband but that's not it. I still do not know what it is. i think something along thew lines of ease of life. i do not want to have to constantly work on it or try to deceive, i just want to be what I think is beautiful. I am my own hardest critic, I know. I realize that others think I'm pretty enough. so what? pretty enough for what? Good question?
Nick just messaged me. I ought to go have a conversation with a real person who genuinely loves me. No, not like that, stupid. He greatly is concerned for me and wants what is best for me. The best sort of acquaintance!
Enough second guessing. time to live.
but I had a new idea. I thought as I read another blog that I actually could write about the same thoughts I think I have actually, it made me eel better because they struggle too but even amidst apparent success they failed, so i am doing ok, though at times i feel like I'm failing. life is way too long to Judge anyone based on anything but potential.
wanting to be beautiful is most important to me and I thought it was just to attract a husband but that's not it. I still do not know what it is. i think something along thew lines of ease of life. i do not want to have to constantly work on it or try to deceive, i just want to be what I think is beautiful. I am my own hardest critic, I know. I realize that others think I'm pretty enough. so what? pretty enough for what? Good question?
Nick just messaged me. I ought to go have a conversation with a real person who genuinely loves me. No, not like that, stupid. He greatly is concerned for me and wants what is best for me. The best sort of acquaintance!
Enough second guessing. time to live.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
me - unpretensed
I think I am likable enough just the way I am. I see there are ways of thought that, though I could accomplish, I do not desire them. I think that I could mke certain desirables desire me, but what is the point? It wouldn't be me they desired but who I made them see. this is such a cycle! again I'm saying the same thing. I am just going to be myself and not try to see through others eyes who I could be.
There are several facts about me: 1) I am often best taken in small doses added to water cause I'm intense. I tend to think way too much and it has come to embarrass me. I honestly wish I said less, nothing I think is that important anyway. 2)I am attractive when seen through others eyes. I just wish I could see things that way. I know confidence is important but in my life people have explained that it is my discontent nature that pushesme to eternally greater things. My doctors and lawyers try to use all otheir devices to tell me that I am lovely, but even my parents have tried typical tactics. I don't get why it is so important to be beautiful anyway? 3) i am radioactive and feel better when I'm in love. like a hydrogen atom, I need to fill my outer energy level and it is unnatural for mr to be alone. 3) I try to do what is right. i even teach a sunday school class called CTR's which stands not for any kind of ackronymn for monitors, but choose the right. I give out rings and teach the children to refer to the ring when a choice is made kinda like the WWJD wrist bands. I want to be an example of the things I teach. and those kids should confidently know that if they do the things I teach they will be happy. but I taught that the family and Marriage is most important and tried to always do what is right but things still didn't workout. Inside I won't give up on the things I hold true, but if they are true shouldn't my life reflect that? Isn't that beauty? everyone has agency.
What compells people anyway? If you know, please leave a comment below. or e-mail me.
blah, blah, blah.
There are several facts about me: 1) I am often best taken in small doses added to water cause I'm intense. I tend to think way too much and it has come to embarrass me. I honestly wish I said less, nothing I think is that important anyway. 2)I am attractive when seen through others eyes. I just wish I could see things that way. I know confidence is important but in my life people have explained that it is my discontent nature that pushesme to eternally greater things. My doctors and lawyers try to use all otheir devices to tell me that I am lovely, but even my parents have tried typical tactics. I don't get why it is so important to be beautiful anyway? 3) i am radioactive and feel better when I'm in love. like a hydrogen atom, I need to fill my outer energy level and it is unnatural for mr to be alone. 3) I try to do what is right. i even teach a sunday school class called CTR's which stands not for any kind of ackronymn for monitors, but choose the right. I give out rings and teach the children to refer to the ring when a choice is made kinda like the WWJD wrist bands. I want to be an example of the things I teach. and those kids should confidently know that if they do the things I teach they will be happy. but I taught that the family and Marriage is most important and tried to always do what is right but things still didn't workout. Inside I won't give up on the things I hold true, but if they are true shouldn't my life reflect that? Isn't that beauty? everyone has agency.
What compells people anyway? If you know, please leave a comment below. or e-mail me.
blah, blah, blah.
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