Well...

 I know that I sort of said that I would no longer onder DNA stuff, but my lingering obsession flared up again last night and I uploaded information to another site where I recognized quite a few "cousins" with dottir and son surnames, so out of curiousity I checked and they were, each one from Sweden, ok, so I thought I found that my closest foreign ancestor recorded as comiing from Sweden, was actually from Norway. This, in my mind supported the fact thart my closest Genetic ancestors were Welsh and Icelandic. Cause Icelandic settlers came from Norway, right? but, it is clear from each website database that I have genetic material from Sweden. Ok, so, I then started to form a hypothesis that Swedes and Danes and Nords, ok, Finns,too. they are all Nordic and share genetic similarities, which led me to re look at another website database which lists one of my closest populations as Danish, uh, yeah, all european folk are in some way or another Danish, too, but While I looked up other stuff. I thought, "Oh hey! that other new stuff I can see now   with my upgrades includes a haplo migration globe, and it showed that my Icelandic line comes from Hungary and the Black sea, mostly Slavs, hrough, and this is what fascinated me the most! through Ireland, and I looked at the sample thar migrated to Iceland and This is wild, it goes through the descendant of remains on Raithlin Island, on the GEDMatch website it graphically lists DNA segments from ancient bones and strangely mine are almost identical to Some ones found on Raithlin Island. I remembered that because it was peculiar to impossible that I would share so much DNA with someone from the Bronze age. ok, so the Icelandic connection, hence Greenland comes through Ireland and not Norway. That theory makes more sense and my dad's relative was born and raised In Sweden, and has the surnae of Anderson, yeah, that's a bit odd to have a woman in Sweden be called anything son, but there was another match with a surname of Andersdottir. but, as obvious as that seems this match is on my maternal line. Mom is Scottish, and Dad is Irish, too. but then again, mom is Ulster Irish, though genetically she s practically ALL Scottish, but her Grandparents are from Balleymoney, Ire. So, there's that... I love to prattle on about this stuff, but no one really cares to hear my theories and speculation. But, There is something so exciting about unraveling one mystery after another and never knowing what will be discovered next, it is like unwrapping a gift at Christmas. I really love combining facts in a way that a great infrastructure emerges, and I can actually trace and prove that a reality actually exists that seems unlikely. It fascinates me to no end.

Alot of time=blog post

 It was because I woke up too early that I realized this:

I had this helpful realization. If everyone is their own worst critic, and they hate the way they look, then the fact that I look nothing like them means that they are more likely to think I a pretty, instead of being so worried about looking like everyone else.

I was upset because I didn't  meet the standard that it seemed everyone else did in their costumes. They all looked so wonderful, but I was often singled out or recognized because I was different. I was an angel 😇 and recognized as such even though I felt that my costume was very lacking. I was thinking of all the times I flip flopped thinking the grass was greener on the otherwise, somehow missing the on ious truth that the grass is greenest because it us regarded as such.

I have been skinny and figured it was better to be fat, or at least like everyone else, but when I get it, I just want to be skinny again, no! No more! I need to love what I am, and appreciate what I have not focus on what I could have.

OK, enough time spent on that thought.

Chesed

 I watched many videos on development of certain quality of heart and have decided that thing we symbolize as a heart is Khesed Hesed or Chesed however you want to call that thing from a song about divine nature, maybe love? Here are some lyrics I used to sing alot, " Why is it when I hear a baby cry my arms reach out in love I can't deny?" those lyrics were from a song written by Janice Kapp-Perry (sp?) titled "divine nature" it continues,"...cold it be, oh could it be a sign that deep within this soul of mine, I sense by some miraculous design, my nature is divine".

I think this story represents to true Christmas spirit, and I realized as I listened to another story where someone exhibited this "divine nature" that this was an example of Chesed:

My story starts in a very quiet and reverant room full of people, and a infant's mother has to step away for a second but the child does not understand this and decides to through a loud hissy fit, in other words the baby started crying loudly, so instantly, another woman jumps up and cradles the child and lulls it back into a state of contentment. I watched the whole commonplace seemin event with awe and respect. Then, later I asked the woman (who, not essential to this story so it was not included, was a black woman from Haiti) why she did this. I ofcourse thanked her for this wonderful example she was to me of what people ought to do for one another. i truly wanted to know the motivation for this behavior. she explained that it was nothing. Her exact words included, "I was just doing what anyone would." She explained that where she was raised caring for infants was not jus the mother's responsibility, but the duty of everyone in the villiage. This is likely where the phrase,"It takes a village to raise a child" comes from. I ws impressed. It was an impulse, I believe perhaps not recognized as such, but it was a fraction of her divine inheritance being exhibited by a reflexive action to help one another. This represents Chesed.

I have one more story. I cannot fail to tell one about my children. The first one is one I told his kindergarden class, it was about Joseph. His sister was and still is curious and mischevious.She liked to crawl  under dad's desk and play with and  pull on the wires/cords/cables. I was at my witts end trting to keep her away, then joseph did not say a word to me but, took the cushions off the couch and built a cute little fort that also served as a boudery to keep her away from the wires!

The second story impressed me so much yesterday. Joseph had gotten extremely upset again, and no one knew why, but he was about to "blow" then hus sister quickly said, " hang on, Joe." and ran away to her room. I needed a break because I was very very sick and tired of trying to appear well, but just then she reappeared with a toy and gave it to him and sat down ( we were all at the table ). I didn't even know what was going on, but instead of fighting the two started playing a logic game with this figit popper thing. It worked so good! It remided me of the time I climbed u nder Joseph's bed with him to get him to leave his room and go to church.

Blame game

 It is Hollywood's fault that there are so many divorces. I suppose the blame is on capitalism. Hollywood's merely is trying to win the most money, but as a result, people believe in a happy ending and a false representation of what love is and many incomes have been made trying to resolve the rift caused by supposing love as portrayed in fiction was a right of all who ever lived.

A man or woman falls in love a marries and then when their love is tried in anyway it crumbles and the person deserves the sort of fictional love because it will magically make their life full and happy, so the dump it all and start over... I think love does exist and it is intended that we find it in this life, but I think the universally accepted idea of infatuation or lost is not love, but another stumbling block, oh, time to get the kids ready......guess this actually did a good job waiting my time!

Beautiful mind

It is the typically human thing to see patterns and meanings where there is none, and as a result we have many folktales and constellations, and my favorite example of turning patterns into intentional communication could be the movies contact, National Treasure, or A beautiful Mind where people create a journey for themselves by messages they interpret. Lately, it was the movie Frozen II where the heroine enters the unknown to find that it was herself all along. Lately, I wondered who the genius was behind the messages I was getting when I realized there was no one. I was evading myself and chasing myself, it was splendid. I felt like a dog chasing it's tail!

For so long I absolutely loved the things that music said. And I noted even exact words from a FF 7 movie, before I realized that the songs were the same, but what they mean change with my perception, the allusions are coincidential...coincidental.... ohh, I'm too tired to make sense...songs say what I want to hear, no one could mean what I sense, that's preposterous. I know you are but, what am I? 😜 

New Mysteries every day

 I had not solved my previous mysteries, but was achieving greater peace with my ignorance when my mother presented another one of those unsolve cases, that no one knew needed to be solved. It is significant to me because either travel to the American continent was much more common or my Ancestor was not my ancestor. Either way it falls, I am still the same I was prior to her discovery, but she generally does not share hairbrained speculations, so I assume that she respects the found record, this record was for a Great Grandfather who had been recorded as having lived and died in the Netherlands (I have a unny story of two to say about that name). This man also has a record of having been baptised Christian in Brazil. Interesting, no? but, the prodding that prodded me here was a simple line from a saga. I was looking again for a good story to share about ancestors I KNEW were mine opposed to the ones the internet geneologists keep suggesting, anyow, I had been contemplating what life would havebeen like for a traveler/raider and I decided that the language must've been pretty much the same which other EXPERTS explained believably and though different now, at the time I was amazed that when a messenger came before this Dutch/Swedish/Nowegian dude the first thing he explained was that he was an Englishman. This becomes another lead pointing my discoveries of the day in that direction. one could tell they were a messenger, but otherwise their nationality was not obvious, and it seems redundant to say, when asked who I was, that I was an Englishman (if my language was not already a dead give away). blah, blah, blah.... J'ai du travalie

Middle age?

 Let's go with the metaphor of a hill. If we plot age on the horizontal axis, 40 was the middle and past 40 was the peak and vertically one would be over the hill past it. We are charting vitality on the vertical axis.

The trouble with that thinking, overflows to many MANY areas. A life does not cease in vitality at 80 any longer. So, middle age is both later and longer.

It is likely insensitive of me to say that our entire system is still working on the 40 year peak model largely due to good Healthcare and many people no longer vital enough to contribute but still hanging on and taxing the system. Cue a virus that only targets fatally those who would have already ceased to exist anyway. (I feel bad saying that because I am not affected, but reasonably, if it were me I would prefer to pass on that cling to an existence no longer intended for me)

I just do not get it...people act like it's the plague when even my parents and most everyone I love has had and survived COVID. Sure it is bad, so is starving, or not having a shelter to live in, but the same people who do all the outward motions of preventing this virus, do nothing when it comes to say seat-belt or texting while driving is involved, and aren't more lives at stake there?

OK got that out of my system. Probably time to get off the computer and experience life a bit today, instead of just thinking 🤔. 

Scifi genre

 Alright, so there are almost too many things to write about when explaining why Science  Fiction is my favorite genre. One main reason is it breaks the boundaries or reality to explore conceptions and inventions that would be, and eventually many things become, but I am still waiting on teleportation. Although, scientists a free in this genre to create a new universe, one thing bothers me, how we still do not imagine, with the exception of "Wall-e", a protagonist who is anything but beautiful. I found in my summer vacation a refreshing saga or two where characters were more human. So, I thought, well, being free to create a fiction we are not limited to what humans naturally are...then I discovered how the main characters are always perfect specimens. This lends itself to my notion that if you are ideal, you do not fail in any way. We toy with imperfect robots, but still only tell stories of beautiful people and any flaw is not a parent. Is this the future of humanity or only another limitation? Ask yourself this question again, until you have an answer.

Don't dreams make great stories? But do we dream of anything but beautiful people? I really wonder. I think people might have better self-images if another image actually could accomplish anything, even in the future.

Ignorantly brilliant

 As I was listening to people I considered experts, and had different ideas than their conclusions, I remembered how brilliant my ideas always seemed at first. As I live longer I learn to say less. I use to feel compelled to speak my mind when I thought differently, but now am starting to realize, it has all been thought before. I used to think all my great ideas were original, and they are no less amazing, but NOT original.

I recall from the movie "A Beautiful Mind" that the character of John Nash was looking for original idea. That was noteworthy to me, but I didn't think more on it. Also, my first Algebra teacher used to say, "I sincerely wish that you become as ignorant as me one day." So, it was not a simple thing for me to discover that he meant that he hoped we would become wise. The more you know the more you know that you don't know. Likewise a very good friend shared a tip with me regarding motherhood, "Women who know do less." Futher, a notable scientist said that the trick is knowing enough to believe something, but never enough to actually conform that supposition and still you make a choice.

I still greatly admire my own thoughts as if they came from some external source that knows, where I don't. But, I am slowly realizing that though they are  groundbreaking and amazing to me they are not new. Still, reflecting upon ideas and forming new ones is what I do and who I am. It is simply more important to garner information or listen and learn than sharing. That has been a hard lesson, probably like realizing the sun and moon do not revolve around the Earth.

What does seeing do..

 ...and don't say believing, cause seeing is not believing. No matter how spectacular something is it cannot be captured alone through one sense. Infact, I dare to say that it is sort of a direct relationship when a thing is more spectacular it is that much harder to represent until it reaches the point of impossibility to communicate. But Richard Wagner wanted to do it, he wanted to redemonstrate feelings through using all senses. Such a lofty ambition is referred to as Gesamkuntwerk. My dad often complained that recordings never do justice to the feeling a piece of music "felt" in person.

we'll see...

 I have sort of been a sucker when it cmes to believing what I am told because every source agrees. this sort of indicates that it is either true or a really good lie. I admit that I do have an unique skin color, but it seems like every where I look I see the same information, genetically I match Clovis and Kennewick DNA as well as Greenlandish Eskimo. Those places are quite far apart and the locations seem impossible, but that only implies that I am unable to figure out how, not that it is not possible that anyone can figure it out.

I will be looking more closely at this all beause it actually does make sense in situations where I thought that I must be alien, simply because I assumed that I was european, and had evolved from people in Africa. I explained this by learning that I was more largely neaderthal, but ot at all Asian, so I could not be Native American because they came across a landbridge, hence I would need to share some common genetic traces or commonality with Asian, but did not. I do however, have now shared genetics with early Americans. I honestly didn't even know that there were any.

Backwards Colonization

Anew Idea I had today is more of a question than an answer. It is the result of putting my thoughts towards solving two, though likely more, major issues regarding DNA evidence and historical evidence and determining how to unify them. I keep reading articles about how human kind existed on the American continent long before what is commonly believed. Well, if mankind existed in America before it was brought here, perhaps some life was spread elsewhere FROM the Americas as well.

Though this evidence may end up supported, it cannot be used to argue for this theory. In the Book of Mormon (origin believed to be God) a group of people built ships and traveled and were never seen again. Where did they go? 

It is possible  that the peoples of Greenland actually mingled with Europeans unbeknownst to them, and that is one potential explination of where the Picts came from.

Greenland!

 OK, I had already decided that for Christmas I wanted another DNA kit and I have figured out which I would like, but as I was searching what I already knew...because to get more out of my progress I need to be looking for something in the first place. Phrases that fit include "Necessity is the mother of invention." and, "get out what you put in."

Well, I had been making little steps towards sleuthing out why the Greenland genetic matches. I even thought, this is not my DNA another test will establish that. It is probable those results are frequently given just to cause research to follow the course "they" want it to go. It made sense, people Pay them to solve their problems. But, gradually, through asking the right questions I have been able to narrow down potential truths. 

Recently, a new feature was added that used genetic signatures to note migration or relations between matches, so my I elastic matches share signatures with Norwegian, Swedish, Danish, and Scottish/Irish matches. BUT, none match the Greenland or colonial American matches, ah hah! That told me a whole lot! It also gives me confidence in my own suppositions. What is strange to me and can jump out in your mind as well, the North American matches do not match the Greenland matches, so if I find that the North American matches are Native American, that seems to disprove my theory of where the Greenland ancestor came from or came to me through. 

Nearly a year has passed since my study began, so the time to get to the bottom of my Greenland dilemma will require diligence and time.

UPDATE:

I was going with the assumption that the Greenland matches were likely not viking, because  they could not be traced back to Iceland although, genectically I match signatures from Norway to Iceland and many Early settlers of Iceland were Scottish/Irish and I am largely Celtic, but just before I could learn anything more through purchase, I thought I would try one last time to see what I could solidly deduce from what I already know. So, I viewed GEDMatch.com archaic (sp) matches and kept increasing the cm to narrow down closer matches just to be certain before I pay or anything that I wondered if it was based off of my already found family tree, but, I found among those that were suprisingly close genetic matches was an Eskimo from Greenland. That sort of proved what I was sort of supposing, but, it assumed that the other information was correct in showing migration paths and clseness of relations/ancestors. It just seemed so unlikely that I would have such close genetic matches in Greenland and Iceland, so I sorta thought that someone wanted research done so they decided to put me on that bread crumb trail. though this can, none of it be proven, I can pretty confidently say that I did have ancestors in Greenland who likely had children who were of the Mohican tribe who married ancestors in New York, Connecticut, or Canada. though I likely will never prove it at all, atleast That is how it has been recorded that one of my great grandfathers was a Chief and Another ancestor was recorded to have fell in love with a native when held captive (sounded a bit too disney-like to me though).

search for Truth

Oh my goodness, that little voice in my head was so much more wise than I ever gave it credit for... I used to think it simply was me, but I am silly and stupid and when it tells me a thing is true, I sort of laugh, cause I "Know" better. It was aninteresting thing for me to consider yesterday I listened to someone reading the book of ecclisiates and Solom in his grear wisdom often referred to things that his heart told him, we often, I called that sort of heart-felt thinking, my emtions, or what others call a conscience or a "gut" feeling. I recalled hearing that in fact the Egyptians thought the thoughts of a man happened in his heart, and so my struggle for truth was my head vs. my heart, but combine a touch of life experience and being aware of the expressions of others, and trying to understand why I felt drawn to a certian ideology, actually multiple "truths. And actually, I realized that it is all the same ideas and that little voice threw a bitty party and explained to me hoe it had been trying to show me that truth just simply is, and I am going to have to piece it all together regsardless where I find it. Also people are so extremely different and each one is precious and so myths and traditions are created to teach them their path to the truth in a way they will recognize, amnd with ,many other subjects I sort of find myself n the outside of all of them and yet embracing all of them, sort of the way we call someone the jack of all trades master of none..... ok, I need to go get stuff done... or I would say more, maybe later.

I am back, a day has passed but mty mind still dwells on this topic, and although, my big thought for today was that we need to act and not for the ideal timing, it all meets in my thoughts. What if one was trying to decide between accepting things as they seem forever or as they are? The most important thing that keeps occurring to me... side track, I am thinking of a scene from the movie Inception where a group of people come to "dream" their life away, and it poses the question if the dream or awake is the truth. ok, now to my big recurring idea, Well, it would be easy to convince people to stay and deal with things that they already know while a promise can only be hoped for that the prize behind door number 3 is better, but we are constantly told that it is. ok, so my thought was that part of convincing would be using the percieved reality to define what will be, and one could always be correct. Infact, a failure would be correctly predicted meaning, that door could metaphorically been explained open and empty, or as Pascal suggested in his wager, it really doesn't matter, one could believe even while being proved through a limited means, wrong. 

It is impossible through "Mortal" or "Physical" means to comprehend truth, and it is unlikely it was ever understood by any creation except only the time it was given to know, but I expect truth cannot be retained hence part of the Godhead is a spirit which can visit a man though never become him... sidetracking, cause matter cannot be created nor destroyed and matter is only desire that needs to meet point b before the conclusion which cannot be comprehended let alone thwarted.

ok, I have things to accomplish outside of my thoughts.

I have some things to record that I read tis morning which will be understood according to your perception:

many of whom are truly humble and are seeking diligently to learn wisdom and to find truth.

And inasmuch as my people ^abuild a ^bhouse unto me in the ^cname of the Lord, and do not suffer any ^dunclean thing to come into it, that it be not defiled, my ^eglory shall rest upon it;

Add that to the notion that in order for us to  be ever joined with truth, we need first to be united, It is a sort of "Long con" meaning the intent was to find truth, but to find it, we needed to sort of form a plan to reach it, and that plan is hard to see the larger picture of. here, let's say in order to have parts that choose, there must be a speration (I am moving backwards) ya da ya da. Each seperate part must choose to be united but we do not even have seperate parts yet, and so much must be accomplished to reach each simple step, during this time, the goal is lost because focus was placed on each individual goal. As I was reading this morning, I could see that so many steps have been taken, and last of all a home needed to be built so that truth could be found, if sought for, upon the earth. And that is a very important step that must needs happen, but even that will not allow anyone to find truth... Uniting together, and a thing I had scratched my head wondering about alot: Jerusalem needs to put on her beautiful garments...ahh, "low bridge everybody down"

9 mothers?

 I want to find a riddle I can actually figure out and have the satisfaction of having someone who knows if I am right or not tell me. Lately, I have gained so much respect for the makers of Cross-word puzzles. It is not just showing off your random, otherwise useless knowledge like I supposed. It takes soon much intelligence to create a puzzle that works with wrong words to suggest other wrong words while being an actual clue for the right word. Difference between those puzzles and life is that it tells you if you are wrong, even if it works fine.

OK, so I was thinking about my mother and about my children and then about, strangely enough Loki or anyone who is said to have multiple mothers. There are many ways that it makes sense to me, but ultimately I went with one way that fit with the other words that I solved supplying several hints and such. My conclusion was that our notion of what a mother is confuses us. Our idea assumes the communicators were saying that the person received biological instructions to become a likeness of them, wait, hey, someone said that I looked like my mom, but that does not make her my mother. Several someone's said that I looked alot like Bridget Fonda, but she is not at all my mother. I have read several comments regarding biology not being the sole determiner of parenthood, but why then have biological paternity tests or classifi actions. If it were not a thing. Oh, it is a thing, just not THE thing that defines a mother or father.

The reason why having many mothers is problematic is that we define a mother as being one who births a child...oh, but what about surrogates, is their title still mother, why yes, it is. See? We are making a thing confusing by assuming we know what it means, but how would we ever KNOW if we were correct?

My story about evolution.... and how it PLAYED out

 OK, my mind is dwelling on an old favorite game SIM Earth. So, I will present my new thoughts through telling a story about how much I loved to play it.

Alright, first I will explain why I started this game and was so anxious to try it out. My dad enjoyed playing Sim City on NES and would talk about how much he learned from it. I loved the idea  behind creating a world, but I was so anti evolution, because evolution was believing that  we we advanced apes, and I was created in the image of God, not an ape... but, as soon as I got my hands on the game I was hooked. I came to realize that in the big picture of things global warming wasn't  as terrible as politicians and scientists made it sound.

I started to accept new ideas to the point that I actually knew, undeniably that there was far more to evolution than what we expected and that it truly did happen. 

As I played SIM Earth, I colonized nearly every species I achieved creating (which creation REQUIRED evolution) and failed everything. Star fish simply do NOT have what it takes to reach my purposes. Needless to say, I made a whole lot of mistakes, but my son was talking to me today and he explained that sometimes we just have to throw ourselves under the bus or progress would be impossible, further he explained that when I make a mistake at least I learn what not to do.

So, I learned that I could not just use evolution to create any old organism, but that in order to create anything as complex as "Man" I would need to master evolution.

Ok... back up. It took million of years just to create a habitable planet for life, which included making the world a place that at times would not be suitable to originate life, and yet, here life was, so I learned that I needed to not fear time or "coloring out if the lines" in order to produce the lines... sorry, now for some inevitable preachy time, I remembered a scene I watched from a movie about Darwin where as a very religious man he was upset about what seemed to be, and that all of his researched proved evolution. It is not as difficult for me to accept that evolution  is a principle of being. Just this evening I accepted that it is possible our creator and Heavenly Father actually used evolution to create Mankind from other species...though it is a bit more difficult to accept than it was to accept that DNA proteins are created from the same dust that exists in the heavens and when exposed to things like gravity that results naturally from congregation of atoms..... OK done... so, I am at least able to stretch my perspective to accept more than I previously could, but in another lesson today it was pointed out that our minds find it nearly impossible to comprehend the sorts of things God can and does... a main and far less controversial in my circles to say is that there really is no such thing as time. Just yesterday I was feeling old, and I laughed at myself for even thinking that. Surely I was eternal, immortal!

That's not what I meant

 Over time communication evolves. Probably the best example for my age group is the word Gay. The word was used commonly in text and song to imply a happy or good natured feeling. But, now, it has aquired a negative connotation where if someone is Gay they are likely homosexual or in the form of an adjective things (without a sex) can be reffered to as gay, or despicable. A word that neith my parents or muy children quite understood how I said it was "Bad" as in, "That was bad!" meaning that it was incredibly good. 

Now, on to what I was most amused about today: My husband is a pig... ha ha ha, no, literally, or wait, huh?

It started when one of my vocabulary words today was Baal, and it was explained that it is used less and less because of a sort of sexual revolution. The word refers to a man as a husband, but because of the connotation of it meaning "Owner" much as we think of the word Lord in America. Women prefer to use a word combination that means "man of mine"

But, as I was watching an entirely unrelated video about pork consumption, an onld Cannanite diety named Ball was mentioned as being associated with wild boar or pigs (as hunting them was a sign of virility), and I laughed at the thought of how both the word Baal had changed in meaning as much as the hunting of boar as a symbol status. The reason I laughed was because "my husband" was like pig or, one might say: piglike. 

it only has humor because of the connotations, though. yesterday for some reason I talked with my kids about what a "dip" was because they didn't understad why putting up signs that warn of a dip in the road was so funny. Well, Joe often talks about he slow children who always play in the road! But, he is away camping, and Mary had never heard of a dip stick even!! I seriously wonder how I could even communicate with those kids sometimes. We use the same words, but a different language.

Diet wisdom

 Recently, I was researching proverbs from various cultures and I stubled upon the Havamal. And as I was studying the lesson to give my children tomorrow on the Word of Wisdom. I instantly thought "Ding, Ding WISDOM" So, I read with a greater interest because this was not a king or wise man but the words given to Joseph Smith, whom I fully believe spoke for God, though I struggle in accepting all things as I did as a child, I know, as it has been clearly undeniable mae known to me that our creator spoke to him as he always has to any child who desires knowledge...Anyhow, I noticed how this revelation (D & C 89) encourages all to use wisdom and avoid addiction (strong drink - like the earlier havamal), It spoke of other things that were reccommended to man to improve his health and abilities. I instantly thought "Hey! that sounds like a great diet." which ties in with a very good video that my son had forwarded to me last night regarding how to go about making lasting changes in our life, much like all wise diets intend.

I ought to include the well-made video here: https://youtu.be/NVGuFdX5guE It suggested that we try a shorter time frame and honestly try something like a theme so an all-or nothing mistake will not void all we have achieved. I think that would work marvelously to become the sort of being that we want to and love to be.

One of my fruitful attemps

 I am going to see if I can succinctly say the thought I just created in my attempts to take pieces that are true and combine them to see a bigger picture.

Ok.

There is a being that is referred to as our Heavenly Father.

Does the word chosen to represent him mean that we were actually concieved and born? The fact that we were created in his image, then born to gain experience suggests that we were... However, Kabbalist s teach that we are all shattered pieces of this being, alright, that does not require a mother or family scenario to say that we are "Gods children" then I do not quite understand why we have more children. I understand sex as a gift and gifts being a form of bestowal, or fufilling a desire and if there is one thing corporeal men desire it is sex.

But, I will not get side-tracked there. So, I can understand how that concept can be the same truth, same word creating a parent/child relationship. I had always commented on how everything is possible to God is another way of saying that together we can accomplish anything (like the wonderpets cartoon https://youtu.be/Lwtc2e7kvBk ). So, I can see the sense of being a part of the whole. Not to sound like a Borg (resistance is futile).

Now, is where my idea comes in. I believe that we existed in spirit before the creation of the world was finnished. There are a few points that I struggle with to understand, yet I do not find it hard to believe. Both true ideas require a sacrifice --->God loved us so He sent His son. And I further extrapolated that if all spirits were once part of a whole(parent) it makes hope so much more important and the fact that spirits would potentially be lost is a sacrifice of one's self, literally.

I've got some serious thinking to do yet, as this trial taught me that I cannot transfer these ideas yet. Perhaps I will try again. I have learned that each religion is itself shattered. It is by combining them that the absolute truth will present itself. But, I loved the line from a movie "God's Not Dead" where a man explains that maybe it is the only way for some people to even be exposed to such ideas...Ihave come to accept that with the many religions that exist to satisfy man's ultimate yearning for what is.

I do not understand where man's desire to pray to a higher being comes from. We always organize ourselves under a leader it seems by nature, but who do people pray to if they believe themselves to literally be a part of the being? Surely, they can see the need for a heirarchy... Oh, spent to much time on this... More later...

Importance of a handbook

if, you read the title first, it would mislead about the content (unless the one reading it was me). I was thinking about how very little Modern Icelandic has changed from it's roots in contrast with other Scandinavian languages.

Iceland was in many ways isolated, and a historic view alone can explain a cause in less deviation in speech, but there is more to that. Because of it's isolation another "talent" or trait became significant, that is a literary tradition. Having had such a cultural importance given to the words they are more rigid. it was well put my linguist Jackson Crawford when he mentioned our use of the archaic phrase "Death us do part" it has not changed though the actual communication of the sentiment might not be expressed that way had it not been preserved by the culturally significant words.... this thought reminded me of the importance stated and restated for Book of Mormon people taking scripture with them.

This whole paragraph is a side note.  As I watched a video of the wisdom of Kabbalah, among many impressions one was very strong, "These ideas are as pure as the ones I had admired for years from the mouth of Nephi himself." The fact that Nephi taught similar ideas as were had among Jewish sects since the beginning of time is not surprising, but such thoughts are like the one someone shared at a scripture study in Mississippi when the explained that they had a "testimony" of the truthfulness of the book of Mormon because of phrases like "a river of water." which is very strange way of referring to a river unless one grew up around wadis (or dry river beds). An Egyptian/middle eastern critic found many interesting points that spoke of things that a man such as Joseph Smith could not have accidentally included in his story.

My final comment is regarding the use and interpretation of handbooks. In Mississippi, one is as far away from the "Mormon" headquarters as possible within the united states, both physically and figuratively. The church, however, is to be the same regardless of where it is located. Yet, there was always a great division between Utah Mormons and the indigenous people, I noticed a similarity when various countries tried to decipher an earlier form of their own language. The people of Mississippi claimed their practices closely, nearly to a t, followed the church handbook.

I experienced this firsthand when I was called to a position in a Utah BYU ward. I was not familiar with the calling, so I looked up what it entailed in the handbook, and prayed about what was expected of me (assuming it was my heavenly father who wanted m to do this), then, when I met with my leader she explained to me what my job duties were, and I was entirely caught off guard. She had decided that I was perfect for this job, it all made no sense, but I did not question as I did not consider myself sufficiently wise, and had best just do as I was instructed. But, later as I was reviewing the circumstance at home, I realized  what I had heard for years growing up about how differently "those people" interpreted the handbook.

There is more recorded than words. Both leadership and handbooks help preserve what ought to be.

Music and interconnectedness

 I started thinking about globally feeling excessive heat, and it was truly fascinating to think of others feeling a similar sensation around the world, next my mind was guided to how this was a knowledge given to me by multiple sources, or senses, and how many times I felt something so powerfully, but I lacked the second sense to define it, some people eat away their emptiness, I do searches online to find some sort of answer or connection. This was addressed in a video I watched on YouTube... I FOUND IT! The ideas were well communicated ones that were originally formed by Kabbalistic teaching. This emptiness is likened to one who is becoming aware of a vast network, but not connected to it. In metaphor a domino was described in the way it effects the one immediately near it, but ultimately the entire network.

Then it was explained as a small child cognitively discovering his universe and how things work. Initially, the child cannot comprehend much and requires parents to do much of the effort in accomplishing things, but as the child grows they become more aware of how things are actually accomplished.

My next thought was about how Interconnected the whole universe is through transfer of sound. It is silly, but in college I asked a friend if he thought music could travel from other planets to us. he thought they should be able to. Then, I asked, but wasn't matter required for sound to travel (just realizing now for the first time that travel sort of assumes time, so maybe it doesn't exist) and I asked how sound could travel through a vacuum. He said, "Oh, it is always there if you listen. It might just be a loud vacuum." I laughed thinking it was all a joke, but recently, I concluded that there could be no such thing as time. But Rhythm is an attribute of music, and if time didn't exist neither could music. I was going to explain a thing we comprehend as music transferring through waves which are created by a systematic movement of matter. Hey, wait. So, in this domino metaphor it must travel in a direction, so what about cellular communication? how does that wave know where I need it to travel? is every sound wave simultaneously everywhere waiting to be converted back into comprehendible sounds?

Urrgh! again, I got too excited by a concept and wanted to share it only to end up with more problems than  the one I thought I had solved (how music cures loneliness).

This is my tale

 It is good that titles do not need any punctuation, because I do not know whether to title this particular musing as a statement... ended with a single period. Ha ha ha what kind of period?  One of peace, i would hope.

just quickly, I want to sneak this thought in about this particular translation, as is food for thought for any translation, as I listen to a translated audio version of the same tale I am trying to read, and I can tell, accent aside, by nuance, attitude, and word choice where the translation originated. It sort of reminds me of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady" telling a person's upbringing through their voice/accent. A word in particular is very apt in the way I think, I think it even situationally describes the word "Atonement" for me. In the story one guy goes to their "Lord" in hopes of makin peace between the two, or as it has been cleverly defined to me, this dude hopes to put the two at one once again, through explaining a different view point of the action that separated the two.

ok, and now, we are back to my tale. quickly reviewed in my mind several vignettes or anecdotal happenings that ought to be recorded. I suppose every person alive has such stories. My stories include my sister's affair with my foot, the time we pushed a car down he road so to use the restroom at a local gas station without waking anyone. I seriously have billions of such stories, and I suspect it is intentional. Often, at the time, I would say, "Ah! it is foolish, but think of the story we will have to tell!" And a few people have asked me if I would or they could write my stories.

This leads to my next thought (The real one that is an issue). I enjoy listening to these tales, and many many others do, too. but should they be used as biographical information? for instance, ought we deduce that all Greek men climbed into large fake horses to attack their enemies? stories last but do not necessarily represent the norm.

My sister is an extremely professional and very talented person, not at all the delusional sort nor a lover of footwear, particularly, there was a whole lot more to her than simply loving a face painted on a shoe. We all love stuffed animals or play with Barbie dolls. another sister, used perspective manipulation to make her barbie appear as her size and labeled her a BFF (Best Friend Forever). neither sister has delusional tendencies, though, at least I do not think so...Lindsay does talk to her car, but I am fairly certain she knows that it cannot respond or hear her...wait! My mom has talked at the TV before. but, see these things are not indicative of day to day life. 

I am impressed in the Icelandic sagas how intimate and familiar these farmers are with Nobility. I do not think everyone was best buddies with the king, or else where would all the men who are killed come from? or what would the king's kingdom be?

My mother is great with words. She truly ought to write a few stories down like the ones that my dad told us. to this day, I do not know if they are true or not. He claims to have heard music and saw lights fall on my mother the first time he saw her, so he jumped back behind the davenport to hide his manure covered pants (from doing his daily chores).

blah, blah, blah, I said my piece...Adieu

Volcanoes and dinosaurs don't mix

  I was listening to a very intelligent synopsis of creatures in Iceland, and one bit piqued my interest! A very wise man said that dragons were the logical conclusion of a Medieval farmer who stumbled on a beastly fossil. Ah Hah! I always loved paleontology and underwater archeology in the way they could tell a story about the past that had not entirely passed. So, I naturally looked up what sort of dinosaurs would have roamed Iceland ( thus earning a place in the sagas as well), but, to my surprise no dinosaur fossil has been found on Iceland. I was not satisfied with that answer so I sought another opinion (cause that is all the internet can give me). I found a video on YouTube of the recovery of a massive whale fossil. OFCOURSE! Iceland probably did not even exist when dinosaurs are believed to have been roaring the earth. That answer satisfied me because volcanoes and dinosaurs don't mix, and Iceland is the product of several active volcanoes.

Forgot to close this tab

 Pretty convenient that I left this tab open, cause I always have something to say. This morning, I was thinking about William McClelan from the early days of the church, and how much his stories effect my perspectives. How so? Well, I was referring to the time he had questions that he never wrote down, but asked for a revelation from Joseph Smith and every question was answered perfectly to his curious mind. It was said that most early saints were skeptically curious, and in his very own words William said that in every reasonable way, he knew that joseph truly was a prophet of God. And this morning, it reminded me of a similar time I asked a thing seriously doubting the security of popularly accepted "secure channels". I decided that if things were actually as I had been taught, no unclean thing or nefarious purpose could exist in the temple, which was a point of differentiation from the rest of the world. but, I had been warned by a well-meaning person once that I ought not trust someone just because they have a temple recommend, my own father had explained to me that it is not the stake presidency's job to determine a person's acceptability to the Lord, but be more of a mirror to the person to let them see if they find themselves worthy I used to believe they had some supernatural power to discern things, and maybe they do (I am not convinced that they do not), but a person may claim to be worthy but not be... let it be said that the reason temples are sacred (not secret) is because there are things that need to be ready for like taking a class spoken in a language that you know nothing of, a prerequisite is given of having a recommend to enter the temple. If someone entered unprepared, it would profit them nothing, and may even be a thing that condemns them, so, like dad said, the individual must determine if they are ready.

Ok, huge side-track. The point I intended to make was that I decided if I truly wanted a secure channel to Heavenly Father, then I ought to go to the temple, then I could know that my answer was true. It was answered in a way perfect for me to understand, and yet seem commonplace to everyone else. But, anyhow, this morning, I really started to think bout who I trusted and who I didn't and in particular how secure prayers are. I had not thought of that previously.

Further, William McClellan ended up leaving the church even though he KNEW with all his thinking, satisfactorily, that Joseph Smith was a prophet. It seems then he knew that the church he established was true, etc. etc.  I realized that simply knowing mentally is not enough. I have come at this conclusion many ways. It is extremely important. Knowing by intelligence is good, Knowing by emotions and feelings is good, too, but both are absolutely required.

An institute instructor shared a story about something a seminary teacher told him when my teacher walked in on his classroom preparation...The preparing seminary teacher was planning his lesson on the three types of testimony. And I understand the least what the third actually is, but I likely understand it without realizing it yet. It was referred to as a testimony of the hand. It is a way to know something is true by doing it (like the law of tithing).

Jörmungandr

 Ok, today was pretty dang fun! We went to the Lagoon amusement park in Farmington, UT. I had read on the website that they had a collection of "Little arms" and so, I joked about it with my children: I did not know where the heads or even the feet, but I tried to spread the excitement about possibly seeing a collection of arms, Mary being the smarty pants asked when I was excited about early firearms. I had to explain my joke a bit more as we entered "Pioneer Village" where we had so much fun on "Rattlesnake Rapids". It was one of those circular raft type rides that pretty much is certain to drench you...we were not let down, in fact, as we were exiting I overheard two passerby guys comment, "Did you see how drenched that lady was?" I didn't even get positioned under the waterfall! we rode several other rides to dry off. One, I told my son was the Jörmungandr , it is officially named "Colossus the Fire Dragon". 

The previous night, I had been telling my son fun little stories and he asked if I knew the one about the Jörmungandr, and I actually didn't so I looked it up, and it was fresh on my mind when I saw this crazy snaking loop to loop ride. I kept thinking about how much more sense a movie I had watched several times called "Ragnarok" made so I watched it, I tried to work on making a tablecloth, but because I do not understand much Norwegian I need to watch subtitles, or at least I did, now, I enjoy just listening. I figure I will learn more that way anyhow, which is a desire...While I was in that Norse thought loop, I thought again about my strange DNA results compared to my cousins, and sister. Mostly about the things I did not know, or knew only what paper trails told me. Anna Maria Anderson was born in Göteborg, Sweden. This was simply a fact, and I do not even recall how I determined that she was born while her parents lived in Sweden, but that they were both born in Norway, but I had figured that, end of story.... but, such a huge little thing actually has major ramifications. One website interpreted my DNA results to be largely Scandinavian, but my sister wasn't and then another one said my sister was actually Scandinavian, but I was not.. huh? ok, that's wierd, but I just got to thinking of explanations and figured it was due to a bias on the one site due to my family tree. The next hiccup was that my cousins  who were equally descended from this woman were 0% Scandinavian. This seemed very odd to me, because, as far as I knew neither had a large family tree so it could not be biased. I thought, hmm... well, I guess what we inherit is so miniscule maybe it does not actually show up. Then, another site which did not interpret what it meant, but nearly listed SNPS of matching DNA, and My cousins matched the right amount to make them first cousins, even with the strange results, so I wondered if the Scandinavian matches (a lot of them are Icelandic) are on my mother's side. So, putting the tree aside, I looked up shared ethnicities  and as I triangulated, I had far more Scandinavian matches on my father's side, but when I compared just the DNA, my closeness did not match the relationships suggested by my family tree. 

My father's mother had been adopted and so I figured the black horse was somewhere on that bloodline, and I did find a few oddities that I constantly reminded myself did not truly matter, but now, I am thinking that perhaps the real mystery is in the woman who's name and papers tell one story, but might not be true. I wouldn't know, no one could. We simply are left to believe what we read, or are we?

I have often heard people mention the significance of having multiple witnesses even a friend of mine with the last name of Anderson, told me that her husband's father's family simply adopted the name when seeking to hide. Well, could there be other cases of purposefully altered identities? Further with years passing such things are less likely to be knowable or have multiple matching witnesses, ultimately, I return to  "Colossus the Fire Dragon" or as I called it: Jörmungandr . Regardless, what a thing is called (communicated to be) it is still what it is.

it's gone

 This is one of the saddest things. The reason I write most of my blog posts is because of an amazing thought that I do not trust myself alone with so I jot it down here, and I just had probably the most brilliant of them all, but it was unrelated to anything I as doing and while I waited for this site to load, I forgot and cannot seem to "jar" the memory at all. It is like when you forget to save a perfectly written draft of a term paper and then accidentally it is erased or lost, all you have left is the memory of something great.

This is a sort of Eulogy for the missing thought. but, as much as I am saddened by the loss of the thought, I know that it happened, and is recorded in my mind somehow. as I was hoping or rather counting on working out the occurrences here as I usually do, another thought takes it's place:

That was for you.

It is true I generally publish my insights. It stems from a belief in the fact that we write to know that we are not alone, and since childhood (when I started generating thoughts worth having) I used to feel isolated, though I also sort of figured that it was for my good, I felt isolated from some great group of thinkers and creators, and these tiny little tidbits are written precisely to be recognized, and something tells me this idea is not to be shared, and so I am not being allowed to have it because I could not keep it to myself.

Iceland - contnued

 I had been trying to figure out what attracted me abut each country so that I could settle in on a purpose. And the main contenders, though all equal in allure, still lacked one thing, and that was being a frontier, and I just could not escape the idea that despite perfections and great people achieving great things, the important thing to me about ancestry is the stories of those who lived that we can learn, and thereby stand on their shoulders.

The early latter-day saints offer many stories of conviction and endurance and conviction, as does the story of Moses and his pioneer saints, in fact I have often heard Brigham Young likened unto Moses, the thing that is strikingly common is that to actually perfect their way of life escape was required. Is there something to that? I instantly thought of Enya's song about the place of no frontier, even my great grandfather tried to find one in Alaska, huh? why? and there is my answer.

It started for me in realizing commonalities in languages that I probably imagined there, but I knew one thing wanderlust is powerful and I was not wrong in thinking about why. Even the American Indians sought refuge in a frontier, well, maybe there are no more, hence the growing interest in colonizing other habital planets, this is the point I thought again on Iceland.

Maybe being so frigid and isolated by water has kept the population down. technically I would not be undoing anything ancestors fought that I might have. They never lived there, plus, what I can tell from the oral history or Sagas that the population is pretty much half Scottish and half Scandinavian. Love it! Any my perfect little Norway is usually the deceptive enemy, that fit's too.

There is no escaping that life in Iceland would be extremely difficult, but in comparison, it would be sooo much easier than colonizing, let's say, Titan. And maybe, that was a little privy conversation I never heard where my Greatgrandfather decided to try isolation by cold, volcanic location...

A combination of things

 I just had this realization that could only happen in the way it did, in the specific order of thoughts that would trigger a chain reaction of thoughts that I am not going to retrace because I would get lost in doing so. The point of explaining them is that Truly, I did not think to orchestrate the realization, but it would have only been possible to "engineer" if a person truly knew what I was thinking.

Ok, so this morning we were studying on those poor Saints who were trying their hardest to obey what they believed was best only to sacrifice everything to move to the middle of nowhere, but perfectly arranged, almost a miracle, they were saved and taken in and given a home/land by this dude, Lyman Copely. They must have been so relieved and knew the command came from God because they were cared for after their sort of blind, hopeful, sacrifice. Then, this Copely guy renigs and kicks them off of his land, after making promises to them. Imagine how upset they would be. My kids said, they probably wanted to kill him or something. Think about their faith though! Here, this huge blessing from God was being taken...uh, maybe it wasn't from God? Either way, they get another message from God and the first thing he says to instruct/comfort them is repent. Huh? Then, he instructs them on where and how and when to go somewhere else. But, Joe kept clinging to the fact that breaking a promise was very bad, but it was not their business, God would take care of that. 

Years ago, I got a book from a neighbor about how God will fight our battles. I see the concept, but doubt I really grasp that concept yet. There are things that are supposed to "fall through" cause men have their choices and that must be respected. It is not our job to make sure things are just, we cannot reward or punish sufficiently and need to repent of that sort of thinking. It is our duty to become and live the sort of life that would help things come to pass as they should, and so we can pray for guidance and it WILL be given. And though not everyone will decide the best things, if we trust that God not only knows us, but knows them and still let them go and be turned away like that, he probably had a purpose. That is as hard for me to digest as was the way Alma had to just not intervene when anyone who he had taught believed him was thrown into a fire. but, people need to make their choices...that's what it always boils down to.

Iceland

 Ok, I figured out how I was matching so many Icelandic folk genetically through my habitual watching of YouTube videos (ok. let's just be honest, I was being obsessive) but, during one video in particular, I was starting to feel a connection to the landscape. Now, I realize that no video recreation comes close to capturing the sensation of being there, but I felt a renewed attachment to this frigid landscape that I do not feel when viewing  Scotland or Norway, in all of their beauty. Although, I had no actual ties to Iceland I could not dismiss my attachment. So, as I listened to ancient sagas at one point it was described how the early settlers were mostly Irish Scottish Women and Norse men. Ah hah! I am Scottish on my mom's side and Scandinavian on my dad's side, no wonder I share detected genetic similarities.

I determined that I would renew my attempts to learn the Icelandic language, maybe just to write a good ballad for a saga or two. As I did, I noticed a strange thing. beyond any other language I had learned or excelled at, The very alphabet just felt good and natural, it seems like the way I ought to speak. I hope I still feel that way a year or so from now.....well, I really did like Scottish Gaelic as well, but the impression caused my speaking it did not cause the same sensation

In Spanish I just give up in trying to roll my r's. In Hebrew, though it sounds so beautiful, the most beautiful actually, just say the word Shalom, see? Peaceful, huh? Anyhow, I struggle with the ch sound you know, the phlegmy sound. Oh another story! when I was in Belgium, a girl was helping me learn Flemish by pointing at an object. I would say the word in English and she would say it in Flemish, and then French, and lastly in German. The funny thing was when we got to the word Sticker. She pointed, I said "Sticker". She nodded and said, "Sticcc(clearthroat)ccker", after which my laughter covered anything else she said, confused she asked what was wrong. I simply said that I understood now why it is called Flemish. Anyhow, so in Icelandic, I got to the letter "r" and without any worry or stress rolled my r perfectly as if it were completely natural to me! I cannot wait to be able to speak and sing in Elfish, uh, Icelandic!

Wow!

 Just Wow! This is a rabbit hole I could build a home in and enjoy living there. It is the Genetic code and it's role in determining humanity. I remember my biology teacher telling us how exciting the Genome project was because they were going to map out and sequence every single allele in human DNA.

I finally got one of those DNA analysis thingys done, and have been studying it, to kill time, initially because I had no other thing to do, but, now it is because I want to. It fascinates me how simple information summed up by GATorC call tell each cell what to do, I guess it makes perfect sense to people who realize that AI or computers only have two choices, and yet, they are at times considered lifelike.

, ok enough generalities...I noticed in my sequence of Genes a very odd tendency of Allele duplication, in many cases resulting in a recessive trait from two dominant parents. Now, this may be the norm, but I think it is a little wink. I will now have a purpose for knowing others DNA if  only to see if it is most common for Alleles to "twin". I will explain with an simple phenotype of eyecolor.

In a scenario where A+G =brown and T+G=green and G+G=Blue and A+ anything appears brown

It was considered a simple dominant/recessive thing, which propelled me into further research because my mother had the dominant color of brown  But, really, It is a matter of having a sequence to produce certain pigment amounts, and because her sequence included an allele to produce a lot of it, and one to not produce it, and my dad didn't contribute any then statistically, I had a fifty/fifty chance of getting a color other than blue, but because my genes tend to match, the only option to match would be to have two Alleles that are recessive. As with many traits,  I end up with a "recessive" which seems impossible in the old way of thinking about it, but perfect sense if Allele matching is the most common thing to do...It would be like a matter of finding a common denominator between parents which in many cases results in a less likely expression, in terms of dominant/recessive.

To sum up. I will be spending a whole lot of time studying this and loving it!

I am more cautious

 It is noticable that people slow down with age, but it is becoming more and more notable to me how much more time a simple thought takes. A video I watched about/by Norwegians made that comment about Americans. Americans seem to live fast, think fast, act fast.... they thought it might be a lack of recognizing the importance of considering. because my thoughts do not come as quickly, I notice particulars that mattered practically not at all to me, like using Euphemisms and pronouns when not speaking to people face to face, much of what I am communicating is lost and I like to consider each phrase at least three or four ways to avoid unintentionally saying something to offend. I think that trait comes with age... or maybe maturity

things I know

 I don't know much, but that I absolutely love music and playing the piano in particular.

I love to run.

Neither which I can do, and although many years and lies have tried to settle in the void, it remains true that I need to play the piano. And when I see a field I feel the strongest urge to get up and run, though to what purpose I have never known, and that fact that I lacked a purpose has kept me from accomplishing.

No more.

It was solidified by a few comments about what is undeniably our heritage, there are things that I could not figure out, and yet, I know them, un phased by discoveries that eventually prove what I already knew.

for a second I will not speak in generalities and say that I was watching a historical movie and it produced an emotional response, and I started crying. Uh, so what, that is the aim of Hollywood, right? Well, It wasn't anything particularly emotional it was more of a sensation of remembering. Then the idea in my mind was, "Remember this reaction." I was not crying because I was sad, it was like a baby cries because they do not know how else to communicate. "When you get close to knowing anything you will feel this way".. Instant reaction? uh uh, I am not one of those weepy people. Beauty or happiness doesn't bring me to tears.... then nothing. Ok, so what do I know? I know that I enjoy playing the piano and running for no reason.

It has something to do with need

 I recall around 2003 hearing many complaints regarding credit scams and in particular pay day loans, on review that managed to seem legitimate was about how payday loan companies seek out a thrive on peoples who are low income sorts living paycheck to paycheck. Though it seems wrong to target the needy, I see it all the time, most scams are not even trying to appeal to the rich but they instead target the hard working type who are honest and forthright, but merely having an unlucky time financially. The scammers will get your information when you need help the most thy will suck what few pennies they can here and there, or none at all. I used to be weary of internet security companies, and other would be able to vouch for them, well, duh, that is a true scam, base your scam on trust, on the show LOST the episode called "The Long Con" comes to mind. The point that I wanted to make was that it seems like t he more desperate you need help the more likely you are to be scammed, and the only explanation for it liked (I like the explanation not the scam) was that no one is going to steal your money when you do not have any. they will steal your information and keep it on hold to use when they have the opportunity.

It is the same thing that C.S.Lewis said about pain, and I have heard many spiritually based explanations for the concept of Pain or Need being a gift if we recognize our motivation and what we are moving toward.  My kids will be home soon, better go... didn't accomplish much today. :( but at least I had a nice chat with my son, though, technically he ought to have been focused on school, huh? dear me. It seems I only win for loosing.

Hit me like a ton of bricks

 Likely it is obvious to nearly everyone else who has thought of such things, but I just realized that the Tudor dynasty is the Plantagenet dynasty, well, duh, you say, but soooooo much becomes clear with that realization, i mean, use your big brain and think about it,What is a Plantagenet Hardly a name for a person. and flowers are so significant...  "A wizard never arrives late, but exactly when he means to".

Of course it's wrong, you're right

 As I was watching The Chosen last night I felt so bad for Nathaniel, and it reminded me how so many people get disillusioned at a realization that doesn't fit with what they believe. I felt particularly bad for Nathaniel because he was so sincere, and I only realized it today when I was watching the movie "The King" when the young prince Hal said that people who ought to have been his brothers were his enemies, and his brother misunderstood what he was doing to save his life and so he persisted in loosing it, pursuing his own agenda. ok, back to Nathaniel. It was because of his honest desire and ability to comprehend that he was allowed to fail. I will have rewatch to see exactly the words said by Phillip regarding the entirely different way that Jesus intended things. Today, I Instantly, like a flash, understood that divine kings, Jewish temples, are all way that our Father hopes to gather us back to him because he loves us. I was reading another book weeks ago called "The Biblical Clock" where is was presented that everything we perceive is a lie and an unknowable one, sort of how double blind surveys are used to find an unbiased truth. The point was that dishonesty (what is was called) was a vehicle for loving us. and I got it, sure things are sometimes figured out as untrue, but as a guy in a video years ago said about a thing people were proving to be entirely false, but years and years or tradition rested on it's supposed veracity, he said, " a Thing doesn't need to be factual to be true." That's it! The when things start to falter a new lie takes it's place, but the underlying truth still remains. Likewise, There have been things here and there that I simply could not reconcile, so what? There are other things I cannot deny. I had wondered before at the fact that my lens by the way I comprehend truth is not truth and when I saw how Nathaniel was preserved then I felt better and I had actually been purposefully given the understand of things as they are for a reason, and it was always known that I would do the best that I could and I will.

Not sure if I ever stated it clearly, so here goes: Sometimes, the best thing to help unite people is a king, sometimes it is a prophet, sometimes an oracle, but something never changes.

forcing myself to be productive

 well, it is an appropriate time to type out my thoughts, being as I could not connect to the internet which I fully intended to be doing right now, because I am missing my class while I wait for Joseph. That is fine, only I will not be able to be making dinner eithe. that will likely be a good thing for most of my family because it means frozen pizza.

 

I am thinking about caterpillars alot right now, because it is a perfcct metaphor for the change our whole society is going through right now, most notablyon an economical level, but socia, too, I had been watching many Kabbalarian videos where the discussion was pointed towards noticing the hardships in our existance, but giving them a purpose or a name. 

Today in Sacrament meeting our bishop also mentioned calling this transition or hardship Development. It reminded me of that same truth where blessings or whatever you want to call them, come after a trial or period of suffering. In videos I saw hardship is not necessary unless a person is very egocentric. It comes to mind what C.S.Lewis said regarding pain, how it is necessary in that it causes an action.

My thoughts are currently trying to package the idea that there is not any space. I already figured out tha ther could not be any time, in "reality" butit has been suggested that there is no space either. All things arein one and the only way to explain them is by distiguishing them or making them, which is like that little teaching example that is gven to present the concepts of quantum physics, where anobject is everywhere untilit is marked as having been somewhere...but, when marking a thing, it does not mean it is not simultaneously elsewhere as well.... so assert there is no time, then of course everything fills the same space. I am trying to understand tht there is actually no space either, that would solve the paradox,I hate that basically says that you could never touch anything because you would naturally need to reach a half way mark...infiniti.

Now, I am thinking about Fractals and what my kids call "Infinite loops" where children on a grassy hill are looking at a book of children on a grassy  hill looking at a book. My son pointed one out in his scriptures...Anywhere it says the first shall be last..., that would make them first thenlast, then first, then last, forever. It would be better to just be in  the middle, huh? But saying that makes me think of the epistles of Paul where he likens certain people to being lukewarm and good for nothing.  So, doesn't that create another fractal? we want to be best or worse only to become the first which is the last..... or remember the teaching about sitting lower that you would be raised up.... maybe take that back to the first thought about "development" pains. it seems like there is an order and the closer we get to it the less we need transitions. It's like how people want to be humble, but they do not want to be humbled. But, "the meek and humble inherit the earth", no? Butterflies.

Am I supposed to remember?

 I wake up deep in thoughts that are generally musical, I understand things that make no sense, and still I try and try because I feel this feeling that I get from time to time, and I want to remember but I only can recall a word here or there and I research all day hoping that it will lead me to a break through. What am i supposed to remember and why does it matter and who am I supposed to tell... oh! Even now i am thinking in some old lyrics (the fact that they are old supports my idea that not as much time has passed as I thought, if time is really change- I had an old notebook from college where I understood that each melodic interval was related to a heavenly body and they were meant to be harmonic meaning I could decrease the separation by playing the intervals at once...but that was a side-track I wrote DELTA (triangle) = time and a few pages earlier it said without change we sleep)

WHAT?

Now, I am thinking about the film "Somewhere in Time" and the watch. My mom asked me that question, and I never could answer it either: Where did the watch come from? Richard went back in time and gave it to Elise who gave it to him before dying and whispered, "Come back to me". ok, so, great story, but where did the stinking watch come from?

Another thought I had about Vienna and Joseph II was, I wonder if being artistically enlightened played a role in social evolution... or hold that thought to consider how change is related evolution... I was thinking about Voltaire then, if Beethoven was influenced by Shakespeare. OFCOURSE, You can feel the same, um, genius? emanating from them.

haha ha ha I was curious if William Shakespeare was a short as Beethoven, and the first hit snapped me bac to our "Modern" issues of finding answers everywhere but none of them trustworthy, as it stated that Shakespeare was 6'4". I wanted multiple opinions, and the second said they had tried to find a receipt from a tailor or maybe his casket dimensions, but, ultimately decided the lack od evidence tells all we need to know. He was neither notably short or tall, surely it would have been commented.

Spirituality thought

 It just hit me how odd it is that we are upset with false information like we deserve the truth or something, and yet, what we call the truth, is the very thing spirituality and science declare is false anyhow, so what exactly is it that so many feel entitled to? Lately, I have been listening to Kabbalistic perspectives on what is and among many teachings that fit so perfectly with Mormonism that I had to look up Joseph Smith's relationship with Kabbalah, but entwined in those teachings is one main one that closely resembles the Matrix. If we are unable to perceive things as they are, further we seek (thus change to move towards a goal) fulfillment and that fulfillment allows greater perspective (more simply said - we are motivated by selfish desires) and all of the pain we experience is just part of trying to reconcile things that evidentially do not fit our picture of how it is. It seems to me that it is like we are being blatantly lied to so that we even gain the perspective that is required. I short, It is similar to how the serpent thought he was thwarting everything by beguiling, it actually became the means (or motivation) to push things into place. I bet Adam and Eve felt so betrayed and upset and upset to be forced out of the happy little home they had in Eden. But, I suppose that is how all children feel when forced into a world to learn for themselves and end up understanding so much more appreciating what was done to them. yesterday, I heard a man use a sort of um, allegory of taking a child's cell phone away. To the child, it would seem wrong or unfair, but ultimately it was done for the peace and happiness of the family unit, which the child would eventually realize...My big question is, What are we going to gain from all of this obvious suppression on truth? I, for one, am going to use such cases to reinforce my method of determining the truth and put it into practice on every front.

I do not know the algorhythm, perse

 I am not sure HOW it is done, only wanted to raise my hand as I hear the tone. It has been done and it is not magic, it is merely mounting evidence of a thing I do not understand yet.

I was posing online that I am particularly fond of Phrygian and Aolean modes and then the next song played on my device is Verve's Bittersweet Symphony, which mentions modes and is written in the keys of E and A. I would think it coincidence,except for the frequency of such occurrences and comments of several others who have mentioned how they too have noticed that if you speak of Golfclubs in an email all of your web-searches are related to golf.

I have been a particularly transparent person and such will be expected in the future, but wonder what would happen if I falsify my inner thoughts?

More:

I was thinking about a fact that was shared yesterday that to make the conclusion simple (though it was well thought out,presented and complex) we only process 0.00000005 percent of the information that our brain receives. This was a wonderful thought. It was produced in this situation to become supporting evidence that we do not comprehend very much of our actual existence, and by comprehend I refer to only the part that we perceive with our 5 senses. Anyhow, this was used to support the idea that we perhaps live in a different realm, one of spirit..... ok, that was all back story, now that we are on the same page, let me extrapolate:

Lately, people are becoming outraged at their supposed "freedoms" being manipulated. In particular I am referring to internet security. because they are aware of being known to others it is not they who wish to change actions, but find way to remain secret. Well, I was thinking that actually we have been spied on constantly, mostly unaware, by a spiritual world that we cannot even be aware of in the sense that we mark awareness.

I had been taught about things such as angels who mark my every thought and deed and have guarded myself accordingly, but what can we do to mask feelings even if we can control thoughts and actions?I sorta feel ridiculous praying certain things because I know that I am only vocalizing them for my own benefit anyway...

notes

 -get familiar with Ezekiel by reading the book of that title at least 20 times, then look for as much biographical data I can, then reread the book pausing to make certain notes.

-do whatsoever I can in body as well as mind to prepare myself and temple: Sephirot, and crown.

Not sure what it means

 Though I am not sure what it means, I am sure it means something.... sorta like those mashed potatoes on "Close Encounters ..." I often WANT to do multiple things at once, but there are certain things that I CANNOT do at the same time. I decided that a person cannot multi-task, due to focus.

But as I was considering how many things have a duality about them, much as I was just listening to a teacher tell about how a particular writing had multiple meanings at once. I was talking about this very concept this morning as I read to my children though their eyes were closed. I told them that was good it gave fewer things for the mind to process. Secretly, I wondered if spiritual things actually prefer to not be processed and that led me to consider if they even could be...next I think of how many people confuse things not processed by a firm understanding, like emotions with spirituality. It is true that neither are seen, but can be sensed, but it does not mean they cannot exist without the other. If I am not careful I will let that idea run away with me, because I have so much to say about it....but for now, I want to address why I cannot listen to music and read at the same time. They sort of involve different senses, and ought to use different places in my brain to be compiled/understood, yet, I notice I cannot do them simultaneously as I once could... this could be due to age, but I have another hypothesis.

I often think of the young king David and how strong his faith was. I decided it is mostly due to his naivety. When less space is filled with thought the more a soul must rely on faith.

Also, when I was in the hospital recovering, they performed tests to see the level of recovery in my detectable sensations because they could not seem to understand why I could not do certain things. One test involved me closing my eyes while I was poked with a sharp pin and ask if I felt it. from my responses they mapped out my hand so I could see it. I still sustained nerve damage, but enough nerves were responding well to the point that practically any gross motor skill could be performed, but others?well, the projected that no amount of learning would lead to recovery or progress. Now. with that test as a given, I am wondering if there are other senses that just won't learn either, or are not functioning properly and I am not aware... my eyes are sort of permanently closed to them. It is frustrating!!

phenotypes

 I have been obsessed as of late with genetics, and I was telling my son the miraculous story of my rare blood type that required my husband have his blood typed, too. This lead to my doctor asking if we believed in heaven, because his best explanation of how extremely rare our situation was was " This was a match made in heaven." Mostly, it was intended as merely a cute little anecdote, but my son wanted to know the rarity of his blood type, too. and I explained that it would merely be an A- not AO- though that was what it technically was. He could not grasp that without an explanation of genotypes and phenotypes (an entirely unexpected discussion this morning - but it got me thinking).

So, What is a phenotype? I often hear it as referred to as the expressed trait. In blood typing usually we refer to our pheno type,  not what genes we actually have. because I only can give an O he must have an O,but his blood type is an A; hence, we know that he has a genotype of AO but because the O is actually non existent.  He also inherited an A his blood may be less full of A's but the only thing that shows up is the allele of A . Anyhow, that boy loves to turn any conversation into one about blood types, so I mention it, but my thoughts went somewhere else.

My son's name is Joseph. I love that name because I always loved, and felt slightly guilty about it actually, Joseph better than any other child of Jacob, and I was watching for like the millionth time a video about a group of Samaritans who claim lineage through Jacob, and I noticed a phenotype I hadn't thought much of... I have not completed a pamphlet about Prophecies  regarding the United Kingdom and Canada in the bible. The fascinating jist of it is that the Celts in the Scottish highlands and Ireland who colonized Canada and such are of the Northern tribes of Israel. I was most curious because of linguistic evidence combined with The mapped path of my Genetic ancestors, but the last kicker was that phenotype: Red hair.

I saw a video years ago about an archeological dig in Egypt where the discovered a statue of "Joseph" and they speculated that there was evidence of red paint in his hair, which was very odd and note worthy among Egyptians.. That was that. It was a bit of information I had not thought of and was surprised that I even knew that or paid any attention to it even. I thought about how DNA claims that I am pretty much entirely Scottish and North Irish, but I do not have red hair and no one in my family does either, but many of my documented/known ancestors is their hair color so, I must have that Genotype but not the expressed trait, so my DNA sort of does support that theory, except that in a video clip that theory showed that a group traveled across turkey, and for a while stayed in the Mediterranean (Iberian peninsula) . Until, I allowed another company to speculate less and simply give me the facts of my DNA and let me compare to find ethnicity and I got many "outlying" matches in Spain and Portugal, that do not show up in any family tree or heritage, but in Genetic matches with archaic remains I was able to chart the dates of the remains and locations to see the same path as was explained as one that traced the Celtic tribes from the middle east to the Isles of the U.K.

Even with all of my research, which seems to be my singular obsession as of late, the most obvious clue is the phenotype of red hair.. I mean, where did it come from if not Joseph? It seems pretty uncommon and not found in many other cultures. Anyhow, that was on my mind tonight, but I really ought to go do something else.

what works?

7th day

Hear me out, if you do not read to conclusion the wrong conclusion may be formed. I am not anti-religion, as I am not anti-school. but, if the pandemic's effects have taught me anything it is that spirituality is not defined by an organization.

The main reason I conclude this is because I see a strong relationship with the struggle of Joseph Smith to find the truth when everyone interprets it differently, to the new testament where Jesus was seen as heretical and was forced to redefine worship from the way it was being practiced, Even Moses or Abraham even organized people to escape a false teaching, and because people are social, it was used as a reinforcement to teachings to gather like-minds. This is a preparation for a Zion.

being at home with my family, I realized that I was being forced to be...eh, forced is much to strong of a word, maybe encouraged to be organized in a familial group to foster love, devotion, etc. being at home has forced us to pray more for truth, because frankly, I do not trust the internet.  

I did find myself looking to the internet sort of as social reinforcement, like I was accustomed to. for Scriptures and ideas in general one of the most significant being which day is the sabbath and where is it taught that we only meet once a week? well, curiosity got a hold of me and I wondered what "church" was like for Jesus. So, I looked up what happens and when in synagogues, thinking I would then understand how Catholics came to their ritualistic meeting. I was most riveted by the observance of Shabbat, and with it the readings. It is Saturday morning, and I feel like I would be doing something wrong if I worked too much (D & C 59:9-13) but, it is not Sunday, and we will be going to church anyhow, stupid brain. or is it a wise intuition? 

It is important that I am thinking about these things, I have bore witness before that I believe the church is true, but I ought to have clarified that the teachings of this religion is true, and it will never be removed from the earth again! although, like the Children of Israel, we are not prepared for many things. much as my little boy has been given the priesthood ( which is the power God used to create ) only his is merely a preparatory or Aaronic until he learns what he must to prove worthy of a greater thing, line upon line... milk before meat.

I have another important thing to mention.

The organization of families is something we are not really proving ourselves worthy of living up to yet. The conceptis perfect, sort of like Communism, but people mess it up. If a man loves a woman, then he cares for her and she cares for him, they learn to be selfless placing others before themselves. Then, it leads to children who are raised and loved and taught by example, etc. but, like Communism, people do not love one another,but because of institutions, they have children and itgoes on and onlike that in marraige, except those who get a divorce instead of realizing the love was a blessing, not a requirement and if people live forever they likewise have forever to accomplish things, one of which will be learning to love others. It just seems like people would have learned that. It is not a difficult concept, but man is naturally selfish...

Kings and Queens

 I have always loved the book of Isaiah, but realized that I did not KNOW it as well as I should. When Moroni visited Joseph Smith he quoted several scriptures and further said that it was very important to read and understand Isaiah. In particular he referred to Chapter 11 and said that it was shortly to come to pass  so, I was studying it and as prep for Easter, I was rehearsing other chapter s and I noticed in particular this time how it is commented that the remnant of Israel would be returning on the shoulders of kings and queens. In had never put the two ideas together, though I tend to think seriously about being anointed as kings and queens. It always calls to mind the scene from the recent Bible movie where David is annointed to be King. And he is not a king yet, but surely everyone knows it including Saul. So, no one is aware of anyone being annointed as king or queens, but it is sorta inevitable, so that much is literal. Is carrying people on their backs literal?

Another thing I want to add is something that I need to get out of my system... I want to make a video where I juxposition the director dude from "The Chosen" saying how he hated to make so many pleas for money, it makes him feel like a salesman with another speech where a dude from Israel says that too many people feel charitable and want to help the nation of Israel and so they send money and it feels like to them that they have done their charity, and yet Israel still needs. It sounds cliché for me to say it, but they need Living water not just a drink that will leave them thirsty again. I think if it is true that most of Israel is digitally present, then the best way to help them would be to support the method of getting a knowledge of Jesus to them. Each time I watch it I think, how much more this would help me truly understand and live better if I was a Jew living in Israel. Blah, blah, nope... Still nagging at me.