one generation to the next

I had a thought that was fun to follow, it originated in thinking about a particular man. Was he really all that he seemed to be? If so things would be so entirely different. It is true that if things were as I thought then I would be extremely fortunate. And it is good that a person needs improvement, but if they do not improve and one doesn't want to then they have plenty reason to lament. that lead me to the thought that originates with a talk by James E. Faust where he explains that though God has all power at his disposal to change a world he starts with an idea planted in a mother's mind.  That makes me think about the stripling warriors who had great faith because their mother's taught them so.

I was having great fun thinking of how faith starts out with a mom, who teaches kids to know a thing as true and then it becomes fact  And it is handed down generation to generation and the world is changed.  Each successive liter knowing things that their mothers believed. It was taught to me by my friend Byran as Familial repentance. Slightly different, but ultimately the same thing.

On Faith

My mind gets stuck on loops when a thing is said, until I come to a worthy conclusion. Such a thought was generated by an idle, not otherwise significant comment about Faith. A red flag was raised in my thoughts telling me it was significant to consider. Faith is an attribute like others we just have like integrity, etc. Such attributes can be cultivated, "Faith is like a little seed. If planted it will grow." But, it is one of those things that if we poses it is part of who we are, and something, so to speak, that we brought with us, memory is not one of them.

I just saw The Little Mermaid so I use that metaphor to understand. It is like Ariel's voice, in that is more significant than we know, but to convince Ariel otherwise Ursula  explains that it is just one attribute, but, she speaks truth about the fact that she has so many other attributes can be focused on and used to get a man's attention  anyway. It reminds me of my best friend's observations while taking a "non verbal communication" course.

My most important thought was how in the hospital, on what seemed my death bed, people commented about what a "spiritual" person I was. Maybe, that is what got me through, so very little remained of "me" anyway.

I think of my visits with my therapist/psychologist who also said in interviews several times that I was a spiritual person, at the time, I took it as the intellectual way to say that I was religious, but not Baptist. I am so curious to know what was of value of me, as he asked my permission to be used in an article that he was writing. It was common. I was asked for Brain fluid, spinal fluid, if I would be willing to participate in a study on encephilitis, etc. My only thought was that if my misfortune could make me valuable to others than it was worth it. Time and again, I was told that survival was very rare, and most in similar circumstances only had discovered their malady after a thorough autopsy. This made me feel good. I finally found my talent and a way to be truly original.

Overcoming odds is the talent as manifest in this existence, but the true attribute is one that I had and brought with me and used. When everything else is removed from me, the part that remains defines me. It is Faith. It reminds me of the play, "You Can't Take it With You".

Redundant Stupidity

Repition is usually annoying, but this is really irksome. I can see well ahead of me, and this cycle is full of more misunderstanding and stupidity.

I realize that everything I want is to improve my beauty or make me more attractive. That is stupid. I well know that being too anything isn't desirable, and in particular being very attractive is likely annoying and would attract the wrong sort.

It seems though that time and time again it is men prefering something and women preferring them and believing they are comparatively lesser because they are not preferred. I noticed something else, it is almost like magic how I reflexively think that I am in love with someone who outwardly prefers me. That is stupid because I do not want the wrong types to prefer me, only one in particular. When wrong ones do, I get upset and claim that They love me for the wrong thing. I want to be loved so much that I would be like air to breathe.

My fondest imagining is that I will be loved entirely and not only partially.

To wrap this up I need to be loved which is a process leading to true understanding. I want to be more attractive so I can be lazy regarding who I was  instead of work on my character to try to rebecome.

Confused yet?

How do you keep straight who you are?

Didn't think we would be wise enough to believe something that seems wrong, huh?

Love is powerful as is curiosity, and I do love you, you. I even esteem and admire you, but you loose, sorry.

Eternal perspective

The way I see things has shifted as it no doubt will as my understanding of things increases.

Something to giggle about while I put things in proper perspective, get it? Anyway, I had a pair of jeans with a button that had cursive writing that I thought said "his" and I thought many a time how brilliant it was to create a label of women's jeans called "his". Later, I clearly saw it said "chic".

Alright, what I wanted to relate was how, like in horoscope and song lyrics, we make sense of things in a way that is applicable to us. It so happens that often my values have been shaped to be quite different from the world. A lot of my different values stem from my idea of life being eternal and this world is only a snapshot.

Storytime. A nurse who attended me in vanderbilt told me while she pushed my wheelchair that I should not be so sad, things looked bleak right now, but it was just a snapshot and in several years things would likely be entirely different. She was my nurse now when I was unable to walk, etc. But I could get better while she had MS and expected her condition to worsen over time.

I am reminded of so many great stories, but in particular, a man explained something every missionary ponders when they are rejected. The people were good people, would it not have been better for them to have never received the gospel than to reject it? This discussion came from our study of the final judgement and the absolute assignment to various kingdoms in heaven. This man explained how it was just a two year snapshot and just because in your short time you were rejected does not mean the gospel was rejected, it is like one lady explained one step at a time. Many principles are active on the mind and good begets good.

Anyhow, my thoughts were on how both Brandall and Nick are what I consider the best sort of man available on this earth, but the rest of the world doesn't think so. To me that was what having eternal perspective meant. I valued them for who they truly were not how pleasantly they presented themselves to those living at the same time.

I made a few videos and it had noth,            soever to do with how I could be or s body for much longer than just mortality my aim would not have been to succeed in appearing the way that would make me satisfied while making videos.

More comes to mind about Rebeckah and how she was truly beautiful...anyway, I was watching a video this afternoon about paradigm shifts which I never actually understood (and that is sort of ironic that I was not consciously aware). And I realized that to me having eternal perspective is the instruction, but the direction changed.

Now. I see that it is better to just fall in love because I will not ever get a chance to again. It is firm in my mind that I will live forever, so what I ought to accomplish is different.

Something silly

I have an uncanny amount of faith in things that,my intellect likes to poke fun at, the marriage of intellect and fancy often gives rise to thoughts herein contained, aka wit.

One such thing is my unfailing belief in the priesthood as being the same power used to create the world. My mind mock,me and says that is silly or ridiculous, even. Like my faith that "Impossible" things can be commanded to be, like my health for instance. My mind says, "Course, every blessing has been answered for anyone alive, or even dead because any consequence is ok if it is the will of God."

Degrees of impossible

I discovered one of the reasons blending in just is not an option for me. I will forever be misunderstood and vice versa. It comes from a simple form of communication: spoken words.

For example, the word impossible. It is a single word that means only one thing, but when it is spoken my mind uses another word by dividing impossible into other degrees. There is "Oh that's impossible." Which I take to mean it is not desirable. Obviously it could be done, but no one wants to. Then there are the things that seem unlikely, they are processed to mean unlikely much like making a basketball Harcourt shot with out looking, or getting pregnant in old age, after menopause. Clearly, they can be done but are called "impossible" other feats which are called impossible are the category or degree that earn the title logically undoable. This includes things like a man walking on water, or living after his organs have ceased.

I had been thinking about why I do not like the word and it is more than being obstinate or not taking no for an answer. I think it goes along with being taught that nothing is impossible for God, so in a sense nothing is impossible anyway.

I feel so validated again today

Thank you for scriptures and in particular the laws that we have been given which each in their own way reach and teach us the way to be happy. Oh, momentary derailment, I thought of a quote I loved well, not a quote as much as an excerpt.

"I told him I remained a Mormon because when I followed my religion I became the kind of man I want to be."

and a favorite anecdote that impressed me a lot. A man had been at his friend's house and noticed differences in behavior between his father and his friend's father. When he went home he felt so thankful to be at home with his own father and a conversation ensued. His father explained that even if the LDS church was not true it made him a happier man. This was what had made the obvious difference between his friend's father and his, then his father concluded  that the church was true though. (probably one of those moments where words are not needed but appreciated nonetheless.)

Sorry to get so sidetracked. Sometimes my mind does that when key  words push some sort of trigger, It was the word happiness. It really is such an important thing, huh?

Anyway, I was thinking about how I have always disagreed with the thought of governing any thing ought to be based on popular opinion. Sooooo, what. If it is good, then good,  and so it's opposite is true. We do not need any one else to support or contradict our choice. And so I loved this passage of scripture from Exodus 23 :

"Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil" 

 

  

Two things I grasped yesterday

1) You do not even have to say things and it is as known.

In class yesterday, our teacher brilliantly explained how we can know that a person believes something although they never say it, maybe this goes along with "actions speak louder than words" and "you say it best when you say nothing at all".

Like my lawyer who warned me about moving to Utah, because they were all Mormon. I told him that I was. Because I had never discussed anything spiritual, he was very surprised and said, "Oh. I thought you were Christian." Rarely have I been so flattered. That was how I truly gained a testimony of this Church. I knew and loved Christ and sought to know him better and recognize him. It becomes obvious then that this is his church.

2) I am safe in saying the good guy does win.

Always do what is right, because it's right, duh, just sing the song "choose the right when a choice is placed before you..." Lena taught me that in primary one day. I was her teacher and primary pianist. She was asked a question and I cringed cause I didn't know the answer so I hoped she didn't look to me to save her. She matter of factly said, "Oh, I know that. Choose the right." How Brilliant and I was her CTR teacher I should have known. Ahh well. She was perfectly correct.

Then, in class, the teacher said again that at judgement, no one will get away with anything or think that any justice was avoided. Hence I feel safe to say the good guy wins what he deserves...good. It just feels like people get away with things because of the appearance of a shorter time frame.

Egocentric

My thought was about how after enough time passes my words are no longer taken in the context in which they were used and then I see the brilliance that was there, though at the time I never saw anything even slightly wonderful about my words or life, that is a beautiful thing about journals.

I think it may be eccentric to like yourself, so I choose pious instead and claim that it is just God that I love.

Maybe it is just a feeling of self appreciation, where you feel goodenough that Sister Clarke (Gram's mom) spoke about last week. Because I am not pleased with myself overall, but I do love some facets of myself and I freely share my opinions and figure they will be well received by others.

Ignorance

I will not pretend to know or be an expert on why it is so important that we be oblivious to how things really are, but it is important.

Notice how incredible children are and how Jesus taught we should be like them to be happy, or how you cannot put precious wine in old used containers and God has always used people as his servants who are less aware of the things of the world.

I notice great truths in lyrics and poetry I wrote when I honestly didn't think I meant anything at the time, and others told me that it was just a bunch of cryptic nonsense, but they fit perfectly to explain how I feel as often I am comforted by such nonsense like the one about how a library is like a bright room of candles.

Huh? "Mom, what is a library?" Yeah, I'm old. That reminds me of two awesome stories I had written, one about enlightened grains of sand on distant shores, and another one about an old lady who finally gave up and at that point only she succeeded.

Piqued curiosity

I anxiously receive the class notes before class and familiarize myself with them. I will be very curious to see how a particular passage was received, so I will carefully observe reactions. It was so powerful an idea that it nearly frightened me.

Look here: http://garypoll.blogspot.com.

Mad Scientist

Another name for a mad scientist would be a morally founded, or faith-based fact seeker.
Having said that, now say this out loud clasping your hands and laughing to the sky, "If nothing is impossible for God, then, through being his disciple or friend nothing is impossible for me. I am sure his mother taught him to share and be kind to others, And hey, He loves me, so most of the matter is a done deal. I am all powerful!!"
:)

Pick a love any love

My theme for today is to determine which love I love the most. That inspired this memory or thought, or some might have another name for those sorts of head thingys.

Whatever it is called, aptly or not, I recalled the time a lady who I really admired and she had among other people who decided that they needed me as a counselor at different times, heard me bear my testimony about the Young Women's program, then she called me almost immediately, by call I am not saying that she phoned me. She asked me to serve the other young girls in our unit, anyway, I tell that back story to establish the fact that she was highly respectable and was as we LDS say "intune" with things enough to receive regular revelation, and I trusted her completely.

It was a huge blow to me, when I was pregnant with my first daughter that she called me aside into a smaller room because she had something that she had to tell me. She seemed very distressed and not wanting to do it, but felt like she had to, She told me that she had a significant dream about Brandall and I and we were in the hospital and grieving, She did not know any details, but knew when her dreams would come true. I took it as I was only a side person in this significant dream and though she did not want to say anything to me, she felt like she had too.

I had not thought much about it subsequently because Lena was fine, her 12th birthday is coming up, infact. I only think of it because I realize any choice I have is not for myself, but for others, and my choice is not obvious to me because It is not a matter of an eternal family or not, that would be too simple and easy.

And as I thought about how my choices are to keep the  promise that I made to God to love and rear those children that he left in my care. I thought about how easy it was to sort of abandon those older kids because I knew they would always do what is right and had Brandall to guide them and I did believe that he would always teach them the right things, and he has. they are such good children. I think Heavenly Fther loved me and them enough to provide for them, I still believe they got to live here because I pestered Heavenly Father, but it was more for my sake than theirs. I love Lena so much and that triggers my memory of how scared I felt for her safety, all because a woman thought maybe She would die at birth (if I hadn't clearly said that).

I value life an the opportunities that come from living.

Shall we talk... No, about that.

This was a long blabber about beautiful and how it means something very different to me.

Revelation

The doctrine and covenants earns the same feeling as General Conference. I think that book is an early example of how dissemination of revelation was performed, and I am increasingly thankful for realtime media.

Just one of those

Today, I realized as I was doing typical things, which included listening to similar music, today I relistened and realized a whole lot more than I normally do because a,new thing happened I realized like the world that saw things as revolving around them, so,much can be seen and understood with the proper perspective.

For example a song that seemed perfectly suited to me, almost too perfect. But, this morning I realized that it also fit another situation perfectly, and the only reason I could justify being so egocentric was because I could only know things from my point of view, and so I remained comfortable, but as I thought more about others, more made sense. Though a paradigm shift is not usually comfortable. Comfort has not nor ever be a motivation towards goodly things.

I realized that my big trouble was not being misunderstood, it was misunderstanding because I was so selfcentered.

Why look back at all?

If The past was as wonderful as I imagine it to have been so what? By what I mean it is not profitable to dwell on what was, but what could be. What ever was great only increases the possibility of what can be. In short what was great in the past should only continue in greatness to the present and only offer and increase in potential future. So why bother longing for what was?

When the opposite of true is not false

Often I have heard of an inverse used to prove something, like if you say there is a God, then someone opposes you and you say, "well, prove there isn't a God."

Likewise, I have tried to prove something false because then it cannot be true. But, If I have failed to prove it false does that really mean it is true?

Just a few thinky things in my head this morning

Just as the Savior will have another time on this earth where hre will rule and reign and all of that stuff (which i am not sure he will enjoy necessarily) which will be better than being tortured and crucified. And his work of atoning is done! so similarly will thing be for us minus the reigning and atoning part. The point is that we can expect all of our due consequences though maybe not as soon as we might prefer. God does keep his promises. In fact he is bound when we do what he asks.

Always follow the voices beneath makes me think of Cain and the choices he made I sincerely asked if he would be forgiven and if the good in him might one day come out triumphant. but this lyric combined with a Fringe bit about someone removing as part of their brain to stop becoming who they must like the idea of Snow White in Once Upon a Time having Prince charming removed from her thoughts as a solution it has other consequences. the task is not to unknow things. but to know and still hope. that is the whole point of mortality to know things and willingly choose the good even if the bad seems better and we cannot unknow things once we know them. That seems very unappreciative to Atonement. The point is that this lyric from Mordred's Lulaby impressed me to conclude that although some are offered the chance to change they are simply not strong enough to endure with the knowledge they have let alone the things they might know which would definitely crush them so unbelief is a sort of protection. Cain is not punished  out of anger but love.

I keep thinking about how in every choice there is one that we should choose and our witness never comes until after the trial of our faith.

I want to make a journal of hymn uh that sounds misleading. It is a memoir of impressions that I get from each hymn. I am as determined as anything to do it.

Heaven, paradise, and rest

It must be examined when I wake up enough to regain my faculties so that I might visit this thought with full intent and intensity. I believe that the following are not necessarily a goal place as much a state of mind that we pass through: Heaven, Paradise, and rest.

Maybe, like almost all of my unoriginal thoughts, they were not made known to me until after I thought them up, then others tell me that someone else already thought that. Like my ground breaking cell theory, that I thought of in an Algebra class, or a theory of realitivity that I thought I had discovered in grade school, and excitedly told my teacher that I thought time changes somehow, though it looked like every second on the clock was the same, it did not feel that way. Maybe that is why we try to seperate religion and science.

Time is money

I never failed to see the obvious regarding money/time relationship in terms of gifts. You either gave your effort directly, or indirectly, by just buying the gift with the money your work had been converted into.

But, this thought startled me in it's abruptness. If you could accomplish so many incredible things with money, you could also use foresight the same, which gives prophecy a huge advantage. I bet that is why I love the show Continuum so much. It toys with the ideas of what you could do with the riches of time. Something tv always does anyway, someone has to plan out an idea, then cast actors, then do the actual work, so any ideas in our present were caused by the past.

How unity works

Marriage is so hard because it is,hard to unify people who are so different. I want to share a story that normally would go undocumented due to it's apparent insignificance.

It was this morning and our little family set off to get a video. I wanted Bambi, and actually got it, but that is beside the point. I suggested we find a movie and asked my husband to look for Bambi. He found two. I picked one and told Joseph to take the other  one because it was torn. Then Nick told him not to because that one was thrashed as he put it. It offended me and it hurt to have my orders repealed because his were better, so I pointed out that it was just the cover and the tape was just fine. I had to examine closer to even see what was supposed to be thrashed. It was then that I got the lesson.

I would have gotten the thrashed one because my standards for measure were different and I would have not noticed until I got home That the exterior damage was,far worse, than I had imagined it even could be, and that made me think about how fortunate I was once I got done being mad. That is how marriage is or any different people trying to achieve unity. It will,be difficult, but very fortunate.

Think about this, I did

I thought about how I could so easily trust something I could not really even know, my conclusion was that gifts come in pairs.

Enduring thoughts

Throughout all that transpires something's remain constant. These things are true.

Cling to what you know is true.

I can, out of sheer will power cling to things I hope are true, but real truth will be regardless of what you want. That actually is the inverse of the proof which says that if you hope for a thing if it is true something will.come of it.

The Beauty Game

Step right up, Don't be shy, just give er a try.

I thought it might make the world a better place if everyone could just suspend how they feel and imagine they are looking back at themselves.

I have heard so many times beautiful women saying that they were actually beautiful at one time.

I get upset because I do not think that it a worthwhile thing to bemoan anyway, there are far worse things to loose, but see that is the "Beauty" of being Mormon, we believe everything will be restored as it once was and not even a hair from your head will be lost.

But, I have done it, too. Like before Joseph I thought I was so fat and ugly, but now I would love to be that fat and ugly. So, that got me thinking I probably am pretty right now to an older self. Don't get me wrong, I do not lack self esteem. Many people tell me they think I am beautiful, though, honestly, it is being told that makes,me worry. Do I look so terrible that I appear to need compliments? Or, they are just being nice. In a class in middle school we had to write compliments on eachother's backs for every other person in the room. I was sincere, but figured that it was, irrelevant. The point was that we were placing drops in our classmates buckets instead of dumping them out or siphoning them out to feel better ourselves.

Anyhow, that might make a fun FHE. It reminds me of a game a friend from GA told me about communication where the first person says something and the second person interprets saying what they heard. Fun games await!

Teyla

The last time I rewatched SGA I was alligning myself and focusing on Rodney McKay, but in the past I had focused on Elizabeth Weir and when I was,faced with a difficult choice I liked to think of myself more as a Teyla.

As I was sitting around minding my own thoughts one came to me that Teyla was an incredible person and I ought to be more like her, it would really be more of an uncomfortable stretch for me.

No, On the surface she is a strong warrior woman, but that is not what I want to model. Rather it is her bahavior and general goodwill and respectability.

Originally, her plight, as explained to Woolsey as no easy one, was ended when she decided that making no change would be best; However, this time it seems more the balance. She, like I have discovered often, has her serious intent of protecting her child and feels like continuing to serve on the team was a huge risk to her child, one he never chose, and the baby seems innocent but, she sees that by joining the team and serving others, she will be saving more lives, including her self-centered interest, so it seems that the greater good is served in returning to the team. Though it was not the way she intended to protect her son, it is the best option (though so,many others would argue that her place is with her son) but she must just accept another plan though not as widely understood is best.

Why there is so much heart ache

There is so much heart ache in the world because they do not know how to use the gospel that they have been given.

Gospel literally means good news.

The world is a place where there are opposites everywhere, and we all have agency.

People like to feel intensely, and so they cling to or report the things called sensational, which ate for the most part the misfortunes of others. And that makes others seek out to be sensational, too by committing what we refer to as crimes.

There really just happen to be joyful and sad things all around us we favor the bad and consider the good unrealistic. Really what is bad or sad happens so that we have the opportunity to use our given information to realize the reality of it. How many times have we seen the most powerful examples of love demonstrated by those who experience heartache?

Religion is like over the counter pain medication

I was thinking about how it effected me to be without church for a while, it really made,me realize how much good it does and how much I need it, although I did not think I liked it or thought it necessary.

It is like my experience with over the counter pain medication. I took some ibuprofen and thought that it wasn't doing anything because I still felt pain, but when it ran out I definately knew that it was doing something, it was,making my pain bareable.

The reason recipes fail us

Once upon a time, I had the best ever food and was determined that I needed the recipe, I was suprised at how basic it was. Like the time my sister invited,me over for dinner and we had Mac and cheese and potatoes from a box. It was one of the best meals I had ever had. I thought maybe I was just hungry, because I have also been impressed by a pb&j sandwich before, but I knew it was not better than others. I was hungry.

One time, I was in Idaho, and we were trying to guess the ingredients to a new recipe, and we did very well, except for the most important, secret ingredient that makes all food great. That's right, love.

Most ingredients are pretty standard, but the thing that makes truly makes a meal great is the love put into it.

Above all food, the best sort is the kind given by those who are providing service like the times my Relief Society Sisters provided meals, after surgeries. Recently, I had one meal in particular that stood out in my mind, and it was commented that I would have the recipe, you know, I probably already have it, but no matter what I do I cannot replicate it was so good because it was prepared by another and that is why the recipes will always fail us.

Dirty faces

I was thinking about the dirty faces and I wondered if they were over the top or if their faces would have really been that dirty.

That though quickly evolved to the thought of acting and the importance of having a good head shot and the time Lindsay and I wore make up, I was amazed at how easy it,was to transform my face. I wondered if Sis. Naumenn would find that when she started doing my make up. I wonder how she will make me look.

I just remembered LeAnne and the time I put make up on her and fixed her hair because I was trying to find a husband for her. I created a profile and ended up setting her up with a boy she had actually known in childhood, odd. The point is, she looked beautiful, so I realized that looking pretty must not be most important, anyone could look gorgeous.

Then, lastly, I remember after a musical I was in in college, a guy told me that I ought to consider wearing make up all of the time because I was so extremely beautiful in the play. I was type casted as a seductress again, though, so I was suppose to appear that way, but that was not me. My role was a dancing instructor and honestly, I cannot barely walk now, deceptive, appearance can be, I could act much different than I am.

Hannah and the prayer

It doesn't work...duh

I am speaking specifically about my weight loss expectations, but what I found is applicable to many things because no matter why I say it, it is true.
It was so backwards mentally of me to keep doing the wrong thing and expect the right things to happen.

I knew that we were not defined by our physical beauty, and not to worry too,much or let it waste my time, or become a stumbling block. Beauty was a good thing to posses, like well groomed yards, but it is not the purpose of our being. A good point to ponder at this point would be why Godliness is closely related to cleanliness and what cleanliness refers to.

I believed that our charms were for young age to attract a spouse, and cause him to place you first and desire to care for a family. So, I never felt like I achieved that with my husband. It seemed no matter how I aimed to please, he was oblivious and actually said and did things that suggested that he was settling for me. But, wished that I looked like those other women he saw so, no matter how I tried to improve my appearance it did absolutely nothing. He did not desire me, even now, he is making huge strides towards being a better father and husband, but the point is he doesn't love me and has never done or said anything to show that.

It is very hard on you. When you believe that your eternal worth is assigned by one who probably would just assume that you die or something. But, I overcame a huge obstacle in learning that if you believe something true your faith becomes active, I believed and nothing happened, but had yet to consider that I was wrong.

I utilized various techniques told to help make you feel beautiful, but still believed that I was not beautiful unless my husband said so. Then, I figured it out. I was beautiful, and so were others, I knew that I was the daughter of a king and beautiful and that I had all of the latent attributes necessary to stop obsessing about how to be prettier.

I prayed for years to be radiant, and my prayer was being answered. My true beauty only needed to be cleaned and polished, it was never intended for display anyway.

This is for Latter-day Saints only:

Not because you are some elite member or something, but because likely only you will understand what I am getting at.

I used to lament and feel like it was fair that if we were a beautiful princess in the preexistance then we would be the same in our bodies, so that whole sweet spirit thing used to irk me. I didn't give a flip about how sweet my spirit was it should only be an ornament to a beauty that remained across lifetimes, I,mean  we had to have a lifetime that included others didn't we?

I never thought that romantic love would really just be left to chance, if our families were organized before birth, and if we were intended to give a body to certain spirits and those spirits actually look like the spirits they house then genetics, I am ignoring mutations, genetics would need to provide a certain acceptable smorgasboard for imitating spirits. So, that would be a reason that marriage or parents could not just be based off of a mortal attraction, though I think mortal attraction is part of it.

We believe our children are counting on us to make bodies for them, so the would be concerned with trying to manipulate couples. I personally, think my parents are very desirable parents. They are very diverse and attractive. And my siblings are all outstanding individuals, I can see that much plainly, and it is very ego boosting to think that I associated with them and they allowed me to be part of their family. I do not really know how finding eachother worked, but I like the feeling that I get from thinking about my eternal family and that they actually chose to be sealed to me, although Nick chose not to, we must respect other's agency. And children do not acidentaly end up in a family.

Just this morning, uh, this has practically nothing to do with my self image, still, just this morning I was thinking about how Mary Anne is so extremely helpful, and that I suppose she knew that would be something I needed. Also, it has been commented how similar Brooksie AMD Mary are. That is something I always thought. The two are almost too much alike, but I can feel such pride in knowing that they chose to come be,my daughter's even if I was a tad ugly, they are both extremely beautiful!!!!

Though it would be helpful to tell exactly how I did it, I do not know. There are tons of little.stories that picked me up and helped my thoughts along their path that would ultimately end in self acceptance, but it just happened.

This life altering self concept came gradually and after years of struggling. Most of my struggle was so believe that I would find peace if only my husband told me that he thought I was,beautiful. Like a scene from Downton Abbey where Mary asks Matthew why he should trust her at all or be on her side. He explains that he has seen her completely naked and sticks around, what could be more scary or revealing? It is actually a very cute scene, one I never had, but *spoiler* he ends up dying then.

Anyway, my point was that if we are seeking and seeking but nothing is found. Probably, it is not the right thing. Being beautiful does not depend on anyone's opinion or trying to sway it.

I want to end with this song by Savage Garden:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSxx-IP6C_w&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Eating Healthy is a lot like Algebra

Maintaining a good diet is a lot lot algebra in that it is something that may never save your life, but when it does, you will be so thankful for. Buuuut, neither health or mathematics is or ought to be motivated by that reward anyway.

My next sentance will seem to have nothing to do with either math or health, and that is exactly why it is included. I understand why Tess did such a gruesome thing. That sentance is like algebra, it seems entirely irrelevant, and yet, my health and sanity require that I vent such things occassionally, instead of allowing them to fester.

I used to be outraged that fellow students would even dare to.consider algebra insignificant. Learning to find what we do not know by using what we do know seemed extremely useful and even necessary because we cannot know all things, so learning that it is ok to just assign a variable is very significant.

There is an entire subculture of health nuts who become so obsessed with being physically healthy that they are infact unhealthy, but a wise person can see how they do not represent the whole. This is a lot like any group of people that are recognized by their extremists.

True story here, I was hospitalized with a rare illness. A displaced infection attacked my brain and nervous system. It seemed like nothing would "save" me. Most attempts failed and I was slipping, but an extreme measure was taken and though there was no pattern of success to follow and most assumed that I would just die, I fought off the infection with the help of the extreme drug, most doctors were shocked and several commented that it was due to my health code that my body was able to endure and survive, and that a typical human body would have perished. So, yes. I do believe that being aware of how you treat your body is important and that being healthy can save your life.

I never worked this in, but wanted to remind that health is more than what you eat, and that whatever you put in will come out. So, please, put the best things in, this includes music and video, too and reaches to our friends. A friend recently said that time had taught that there are people who make you happy and people who bring you down. We are intended to be happy, which is to say healthy.

Your turn

Please refelect a while before answering.

Would you do anything differently if you thought it was impossible, but see that it actually can be done?

Who actually believes that anyway?

Tonight, I was musing myself with various cliche's. The one I entirely do not believe is true is the one that says it is,better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

My first example is a young chick who is fat and ugly, but has one feature that is nice like the muscle tone that makes a cute dimple on her back. Then there is another girl who has,always been as if not prettier than almost anyone around, so as the both age the latter girl is so dissatisfied with her appearance, which is still a million times prettier than average or the other fatter girl, but the first girl was,never seen as pretty anyway and so it is no big deal to her but the latter girl goes though a severe depression.

The next example is an star pupil who managed to graduate with a 5.5 GPA and got a full scholarship in engineering to an ivy league school, and his best friend was salutatorion in his graduating class of 68 people, and gets a great, high paying Job right out of high school and ends up running for office and becoming a governor and he passes a law that states that students may only get scholarships in their own state of residence. So, the first boy cannot afford to go to the school he wants and instead works as a laborer in a local factory, falls in love and gets married, living check to check. Both loose their memory as they age but which has greater cause to mourn?

Ok, now that you have been away for a story or two, think about the coulple who was really in love but a spouse died opposed to an unmarried woman and who's story is really the saddest or worst?

http://youtu.be/pZufpM3Qjq0

Instead, I favor the notion that ignorance is bliss and it is better to just not know what you are missing.

Brain dump

Being unified again... Maybe that is the theme this month.

You can tell that successful teams are united in purpose, and you can tell.

We need faith just to get up in the morning.

It is more important to pray when it doesn't naturally occur to us to do so.

We miss out of things when we do not have the Holy Ghost to explain things to us.

Stand in Holy Places.

The gospel makes me happy.

Utah Mormons are so serious, but now I am one of them.

Was bhudist, but loved the plan of happiness, which is found 27 times and 26 of them in the Book of Mormon so he calls it the book of Happiness.

It is weird to celebrate our birthdays, because we are celebrating getiing closer to death.

Bruce Lee is a member... Of some Karate League.

Start days with prayer, and it will bless your lives.

Baptism is one of the things that need to be repeatedly taught, and we get new things from our different experiences at each point we hear.

Why was savior baptized? To show how it was done.

We are to remember the covenants we made at baptism each week in sacrament, about 50 times each year.

Keypoint about Baptism we need the authority to perform it.

Mt. Fuji is a volcano, why is your path better?

Symbolism of the baptismal font always below the ground level to represent being reborn, after death and burial.

Who should be baptized?

What promises did we make?

Wouldn't it be nice if everyone who was a member of this church did all of these:
Come into the fold of God.
Bear one another’s burdens.
Stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places.
Serve God and keep His commandments

7-9Stake conference on Saturday.

12th Enrichments trash to treasure.

Men and women complete eachother and are needed to be that way in Marital bonds.

Intended way to express and fulfill our divine attributes.

We all have dual beings within us.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

Lucifer does not have a body, so he tries to get us to use us to destroy the blessing.

Chastity is moral compass in our thoughts words and actions.

Chastity is complete fedelity in marriage.

(This includes speaking poorly of him to others, True or not, we just ought not ever speak poorly of our spouse because it might communicate something unintended.)

Just communicating great memories can be bad.

The Holy Ghost will let you understand, and keep in touch with what is.

It is noted that we can actually love more than one person.

Guilt is to our soul as sickness is to our body.

Some sins require more time. Where much is given, much is required. So it is in the temple, we make promises and so are under greater condemnation and in need of greater repentance.

opinions

If you liked what you hate, you will hate something else, so just like what you hate and call it done.

We go to great length to get what we want, but why won't we go to extremes to want what we got?

The secret to happiness is on the next page... too slow. It's gone. You missed it.

No, the real secret is to always take what you love and love what you take. c/o Regina Spektor from "On the Radio"

If money is seen as power globally, then if I ruled a country I would be very excited to hear about gun laws in America from what I just heard on TV, via the show called "Revolution" an actor said, "I may be good with a sword, but I cannot hope to stand up against a shot gun." The people were able to survive without electricty, but control comes from another power...

From another scene, I had just mentally surmised the very thing a person explained in form of a joke. Electricity made geeks powerful and without it, the power returned to the bullies, so that is what civilized, means...

I thought about Joseph and what a headache he is, and thinking about Mary and how they are so rediculous in the way the behave, but if I must do  ridiculous things to get them to behave at least I have a way, and once they become old enough to see how rediculous their behavior is, it was my same theory with the older kids and their bottles to go to bed, they will have a habit of doing what is right without the rediculous enticements.

This is probably the most rediculous opinion I have ever let cross my mind, but I will amplify it in words. Here goes: some of us were bound to fall in love as part of our natures, so by the time we got bodies we were like been there done that. Formed ideas about love and attraction, but nothing prepared us for having to do it all over again. When Brandall asked me, "Don't you ever meet someone you already sorta know and you just want to hug them?" That really got me thinking. Maybe that is why people call the stronger connection they feel that has nothing to do with appearance true love when it is only just older love.

The lesson of the Coupe

It was fateful as Joseph was outside screaming "Where's my Peace" which is what he calls his little buddy, Peter. I thought "Where can I turn for Peace" and wanted to sing it for him, instead I just laughed. He saw me approaching and started moving away faster. So, I yelled stop! I went to him very closely and whispered in his ear that I really wanted to give him presents, but he had to do what I asked. Then he said, "I love you. I get coupe!" I told him that he had to obey everything that daddy said. I do not think he understands that language so I simplified and said, "Good boys listen to their daddy. If you are a good boy you can get the toys you want." And I was thinking about how I could say it more plainly because I wanted him to be happy and get the toys he wanted.

This became my lesson of the coup. I could see how Heavenly Father and Mother want to give us things too, but we have to be good, and do what is right, and they really are trying their hardest to make sure that we understand what is required of us is understood.

I want Joseph to deseve good things and I really want him to get good things.

Just how interesting are colors?

I started this thought the way I always do listening to my kids as they watched a program. There was a really catchy song about mixing up color. It got me started, then Boom! I was off full-speed to land of let's pretend.

This time I was captivated by the thought that even the land of my imagination starts with some givens. this is what I started to think about colors where did they come from? ok, keep reading it will make sense eventually. Orange is made from red and yellow, but where do they come from? this answer lead me down a path which I had been down many times Where I distinguish pigmants from light.  Primary colors just are and may be filtered out of white light which sort of is the glory of God or Intelligence whereas the absence of light or darkness is devoid of God, so in a sense "Outer darkness" or what we mormons call Hell. but then, how do we dye things to have shades or hues of color when light is refracted? I know most colors come from nature, which nature in beauty and inspires the toughest critic to believe in divinity. I think they are sensing God in nature. tis brings to mind a line rom "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" where Morgan Freeman's carachter says, " Allah delights in wonderous colors." And so that was Hollywood's best shot at where colors come from, too. I mean maybe asking is as likely to uncover an answer as the chicken or egg debate or the one about Adam's belly button. Somethings, just are.

http://youtu.be/4sWLzEI-TRk

Mistaken praise

I have given praise unjustly to the things that led me to truth, which were various and sort of inconsequentual.

The truths were there and waiting to be discovered and they would come through whatever I happened upon at the time.

For example, in high school English I learned that lyrics were the natural development of poetry and music, like resees peanut butter cups. The two were destined to go together as a natural evolution. It was not the Dead Head teacher who made us study lyrics with our poetry.

Or my consumer economics course, I praised the teacher for teaching me that there are multiple approaches to the same end goal, when he taught us to choose our product to be cheap and plentiful or take more time and sell something more expensive and lasting. He did not teach me that but he put me on a computer that suggested that to me, while making a choice competitvely what I wanted to sell.

In church, one of the most influential things was said, a Sunday School president mentioned something he learned from his son. His son was struggling with the reason he was chosen to go serve a mission in Mississippi. But, as he listened to a story by Hugh B. Brown about having to cut a tree back to preserve the garden, the important phrase was, "I am the gardener here." So he was able to see that at times we are chastened or mistakingly assume we are wronged, but it was because we were being blessed and prepared for something so much better.

The thing our Sunday School president learned was that all of his fretting over who to teach or what lessons, etc. Because, though the representative teacher changes he or she is never the real teacher anyway.

I am not belittling the methods in which truths were presented, there are those designated to lead us to truth, like parents, but they are performing a service, not actually creating the ideas in your mind.

Quick thought

Women are anchors.

Wonder about what matters

There are things that should matter and then things that matter with no regard to anything else. I think this is your mind telling you rules to obey, then your heart obeying rules your mind cannot even comprehend.

get real

I got a crazy thought forming, want to hatch it with me? Alright, here we go. You ready?

It starts by noticing for the first time that some guys are so attractive. I honestly was oblivious to it when it mattered. but, I'll save that thought for later, it is along the same lines that I want to travel. I was noticing how boys want to attract girls, but no where in that atttraction are they seriously thinking that the girl they hope or aspire to own or say that they "want" will end up being their wife and mother of their children. Aww heck, maybe that is what they are thinking, what do I know?

The thought just was that people who are on the ledge of life usually do not even think of jumping off until they are half-way to hitting the bottom. Then it becomes as they say "real".
I wonder if marraiges would be more successful if the villiage stopped trying to raise the child.

It seems that part of getting real is growing up or should I have reversed that. It matters not.  They are inclusive, leave it at that. It is idolized to stay young or something, we all look forward to that mid 20 or because fame ages people, make it thirty looking. I seriously wonder if being famous lets people gain a bit of empathy for what it was like to be the savior. He just had to get frustrated at all of his followers because they just didn't "get him" they needed to "get real".

ok, I was thinking about the fact that pop culture loves the single lifestyle and makes it look so desirable. That's not how I remember it, and frankly, I get tired trying to keep up with all that is, instead of just aging gracefully.

My sister-in-law told me one of the most influential things when she gave me a shirt that I thought was going to be too large cause it was a size 12 or something. I was very upset because I went in to the hospital 20 something and a size 4 solidly and came out in my 30's and size 8. but, she told me that I was a mom and that if I wanted to feel and look skinnier and prettier that I needed to stop trying to wear clothes that were too small for me, cause sure they would make me feel fat and mis shapen, but I was me, just now I could wear women's sizes cause I grew up! Funny now my daughter wears the same sizes as me and she is not even a teen yet, admitedly things are short,  like dresses become shirts and jeans become coolots.

My point (reeling you back in) is that we do grow up and a large part of getting real is acting our age.

So, in conclusion, we need to be forward thinking even after we reach the forward and not mind so much and grow up. I cannot stand the majority always trying to force thoughts and opinions on us because afterall the majority rules, uh, yeah, in high school, and look at how that worked out? If another generation is ever going to exist it is because you make them, there is no need to rush, if you feel like it is right for you, then do it, grow up. Maybe I only grew up after I was aged according to "them". But, here I am, about to faceplant on the pavement grown up, and I need to embrace it and love it for the sake of the kids.

Where would they be today?

I thought of a fun game to play, being a competitve musician is not as much a matter of talent as it is luck. I won the luck of the draw in having a father and mother who were such individuals. They obviously chose what mattered most and set a great exanple, but I thought how manny individuals chose similar paths and instead chose to influence lives another way though their great minds and talents prodded them on another way? Who would they have become if they had chosen soething other than my best interest?

 I think of this talk:

He talks about where he would be but how many people do you know that are as awesome as those you emulate but you do not notice because of what is seen?

How much is unseen?

I Love You

I love you, but what does that mean? If you don't know,you are probably honest or just curious enough to find out what an untrusted source,like me says.
If you do know you might be suprised to learn a few things that seem odd or cause you to question what you have thought it was.

Love is something that we feel for another person, and is associated to kissing them.but that is on the surface. Real love is a feeling for another person that desires them to the point that the mentioned sort of love is not even a part of it, They would want their object of love to feel sheer joy even if that means sharing a kiss (considered love) with someone else.

Clear as mud? Let me retry. I have seen others who genuinely love, it is difficlt to explain and I am not sure if they even recogbize it themselves because It is not called "Love" and it is not the slightest bit romantic. And because it baffles me I tried to explain it in terms of Romantic love, which it is not,but is a good point of reference. what I am calling real love (again, most confusion is from trying to explain using words terms that sort of transcend the words used to define them) is sopowerful that it evenmore powerfully encompasses that romantic thing to the point that you would love someone so much that you would want them to achieve their happiness even if it meant "loving" someone else. What confused me was the fact that what we call love (well, everyone but Brooksie and I, for us it is the name of a cheese dip )is that romantic thing, but it is so much more!

 In other languages it has different words even. Maybe in English what I am talking about is that thing called "Unrequitted love" cause theonly type of loe is theway you feel about another person physically would be unrequited. But, regardless of what others might assume that I mean, I have loved other people so much that it exhausts me.It reminds me of a conference in Seattle where I heard it explained how a man saw a lady in a yellow dress and asked her to share her story,Knowing she even had one was amazing. But she did tell a true love story about a mean patient who was dying and just needed to be loved and this woman prayed to beable to feel and express a portion of the love that our savior Felt for this man.

She did and then needed a nap beacause it was almost more than she could bear. I think we do have a large unused capacity for love but the point is, we do have a capacity. That has helped me countless times, most importantly when I couldn't understand the behavior of  my little Martian child.

The most important thing that I know about love involves a game of virtual hot potato, to get it you must never hold it for long but by giving love to others you recieve it. So, where does it originate from?  We call it God or our hearts.  It is a feeling of peace or happiness and constantly giving it away increases our capacity for it.

Well, that kept me busy enough so I didn't start crying about being alive again. Life is hard, so what? I love you so you must love me then I love you more, etc.

it's a fine line

 

 

There is a fine line in creative works

to appeal to enough to sustain

 your desire to create. 

But, do not become too

common or understandable.

 They are different things,

both only placed together

 in their udesirability.

 

Johnny Cash says to "Walk the line".

 But, do not become a line walker

 because you do not want to become lukewarm.

maturity

When I was younger life was shorter and less time could be given to reflecting so my instincts had to be honed and relied upon but now I note the benefit of having more time to increase my wisdom by figuring out why.

There are way too many times that I relied on my ability to draw conclusions with no meed of evidence or fact (as we call tangible proof) trying to elivate it making instinct or reflex seem foolish and wisdom that comes from pondering experience better.

In my institute class (sounds like a ptchologist type banishment or something like doing time) we discussed how the book of Revelations, in the Bible, was to be understood with poetic sensibilities; Likewise, the second epistle of John was literally meant for his family but it was included as scripture for it's figurative or metaphorical applications. I cannot even cout the number of times I took a literal expression as a figurative one rarely the other way around.

Mary just took off her diaper and peed on the floor, that is enough to think about for today. Best wishes!

Originality?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aS_d0Ayjw4o .

Well, everytime I have a brilliant thought someone already had it. But, in astronomy class we learned that there is no limit to the universe if there were then no matter which direction you chose you would hit a star. I do not discredit my thoughts be cause someone else already thought them. But there just must be originality or the universe is limited. The fact that it is harder suggests that this must be the end of something, huh?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEEURZqzwYI 59

If you did it...

Got this notion from Alex Goot. Which songs do you wish you had written?

The first shall be last

The first shall be last and no one wants to be last. So, try to be in the middle, but not get dead on or you are lukewarm and we know what that means.

A test

If I said that it was not impossible.
And I said, If you think you are wrong or right you are correct, then would you nod your head or would you think that was nuts!

Well, try this one out. Medical Doctors who studied for years and years say that, after seeing my condition, I will never walk again. My physical therapists, jerks, tell me I can do it, but they work for the same hospital.

Without the aide of Mako energy, I walk, but cannot run, but, uh, If either of the first two were right then (  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4qPKc6_x2k ) crazy or not ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0ROxcnQt2o ) I think I can run again, and I want to.

Now, think of all of the things that are terrible now how can they be made good?

stolen thoughts

It is one thing to steal time another to steal intellectual property and the thing I am talking about is neither a misdameanor nor crime it is something altogether different.

Does your mind move faster than your fingers and so you leave out thoughts or words to explain a thought fully cause you've already moved on?

Back to Topic, What I did is steal the intended message for myself. My stolen thought was not to give up on finding love simply because you have failed in the past. There are probably a million other ways you can fail.So you discovered one... good for you! Let me drop a few names: Babe Ruth,Thomas Edison, or

 Ruth Wakefield of the Toll House Inn near Bedford, Massachusetts. She had run out of baker’s chocolate in making her chocolate cookies so she improvised by crumbling up pieces of semi-sweet chocolate that she had on hand. She hoped that in baking, the chocolate would naturally spread through the batter. But the improvisation failed and the chocolate remained in pieces in the finished cookies. Today chocolate chip are the world’s favorite variety with 7 billion consumed annually.

I supposed either I am an unusually high consumer of chocolate chip cookies or that estimate is too low. But, I need to draw your mind back in the form of a conclusion. The conclusion came from seeing more clearly a problem, which was not mine, to solve. I thought well, he shouldn't give up just because there is no apparent solution. His wife had died, and sadly, he decided that he would not try to love anymore because at first he tried to, but it failed miserably. And though it is in not at all the same situation, the advice is applicable and I'll take it.

Downtown abbey crap

Watch "Matthew and Mary - I See the Light" on YouTube

Games of impossibility

It is your job to play this little game of checkmate, so to speak.

I say something and then you assert why it cannot be true.

Ok here goes:
I am you reincarnated.
Mark Twain gave me an autographed copy of "Diary of Adam and Eve"
I had more arms originally, but lost them in the war.

Ok, those were likely too easy. But, I wanted you to feel comfortable calling me a liar.

I am fat.
What I say is right.
I love you.

If Your dad has taught me anything...

I just love the notion that people can have a legacy of faith, the people face incredible odds and never loose hope that things will work out.

Once Upon a Time season 2 episode 8

Pocoyo in russian

Well, I was only listening, but because the voices were expressive enough I could understand them, now I didn't understand the words, but I understood the meaning. Art transcends cultural barriers? Well, feelings do.

Just thinking

I woke up thinking this story so I will relate it, cause that is what I do. Then I need to talk about something else that I have observed.

The story is about our former Branch president in Lebanon, TN. He was an amazing man, after a temple trip we (Brandall and I) helped him return his rental car so he helped Brandall get a job at Gibson cause Brandall wanted to be a Luthier.

It was interesting to be a part of the Gallatin ward and see a new branch formed which allowed us to stay in the stake bounderies which was important because we both had stake callings.
So, after choosing the proper branch president, his wife was reccomended for several callings, but he said that her calling was in the home and she was taking care of their brood of children, and couldn't probably do anything else. I respected that but, it was sort of unusual, but we had a lesson in RS that sort of reminded me of that. A comment was in regards of sisters who want to help while tending children, but that is their greatest sphere of influence.

Then there was a newlywed guy.who got a call from his wife that interrupted an interview with his stake president, and apologetically he took it. As the call to the bishopric was extended, the young gentlemanwas told that his number one duty was to his family and if he had not excused himself to aide his wife, it would have proved that he was not the type of person needed to set an example in a leadership position.

Ok next, it is how when I feel my worse people always compliment me. I figured it was because they saw how terrible I looked so.I likely needed it. But, last week our Stake president told me that I looked beautiful and that it had nothing to do with my appearance, He just thought that I had the sweetest spirit about me and he wasn't sure where it came from, but it was there and was beautiful. That compliment meant more to me than any other I ever had received in my life and it reminded me of performing songs with my best friend and thinking that we had butchered it, but we were never complimented,more. It proves that what we see or say or do is not but a portion of what others perceive and people notice the part they only feel.

If you can...

If you can love something you are inclined to hate you will really love it.

I can support this with many arguments, but it still seems foolish.

When or where?

How - enumerate the ways your life would be different if you were born into a world other than this one.

Now, is that time or place specific? Could either be changed without changing you?

No thought given

I don't know what I am going to write here, so I couldn't give this post a title.

I have been a latter-day saint all of my life, so I do not have a miraculous conversion story like my parents or others. I considered making one up and telling it enough that I believed it, too, because like most latter-day saints my belief was gradually built.

It is common where I was raised that in such instances where one just always believed what they were taught, that even such people would have a particular moment they would later refer to.as a conversion. I read many books about life long saints who searched out truth. And in particular, there was a life changing book.for me named "Our search to know the Lord." But, in reading it, I was profoundly effected, but ultimately felt like I did not have a conversion. It.was a lot like he described getting baptized, but not really being converted or know the Holy Ghost for some time.

It has been a process and accumulation of ideas and such, each building on eachother, building a fine infrastructure I call my testimony that I know that the LDS church is true and the church that has the Priesthood power on earth.

I feel like I am at a precipice about to take a big plunge from which I will only survive if I cling to my faith and hope. I feel like the words that will be the tool in my true conversion are within my grasp now, like a picture I saw of a man standing on a cliff called "who I am" and there was a wide.space between it and another hill called, "who I want to be". I am so close I.can see who I am intended to be, and I am beyond despising myself, but still there remains a "leap of faith".

I need some time to think things over...

Can you hear it?

I noticed last night how loud a cell phone is when in a quiet gathering I heard a call or message vibrate,and noticed that everyone around turned toward the subtle sound.

I had noticed from time to time how though volume never changed on a device at times it seemed louder whereas other times, it. Seemed so very quiet.

I made a parallel to the still small voice and how others have claimed that at times it yelled out to them, or how it was necessary to strain to hear it. I figure the volume is constant, we hear what we are listening to.

I love the analogy of revelation to a radio signal. I have noticed and heard it commented that "mid night prayers" are more from the heart and the spirit speaks more directly to us in the wee hours of the morning. I wonder if that is because there is less interference.

Even if it is , how we say, good or worthy music, if it is inappropriately loud we will not heed anything else.

Sometimes, I forget to turn the volume back on on my cellphone, and that is always when I loose it. Normally, to find it I make it ring. But, though I desperately want to find it, like the lost coin, I cannot hear it.

Yesterday morning, I had to come downstairs to check on my son because usually, I sorta keep an eye on him by listening to my laptop, but I could not hear it. I assumed that it had been turned low or muted, or he would be coming to ask me to make it work. But, as I got closer, I could hear it and upon inspection, the volume was all the way up. So, I guess I wasn't listening.

If the Shepherd calls, we hear his voice and recognize it as such. I love Isaiah. We are all very much like sheep. Likewise, the spirit doesn't yell important things and whisper others, or even change his tone. We recognize when we listen. Can you hear him?

Our brains constantly tune in to significant sensations, and tune out others. If our body senses a redundant sensation it is ignored, this is a survival technique, or else we would be constantly overcome by the sounds and sensations around us. Annie Lennox sang about that in a song where she said, "for it is the drum of drums, it is the sound of sounds." Like gravity it is always constant and for that reason, it is not noticed, until an apple falls on your head.

Where were they?

Ofcourse, we all have ancestors. As.I was thinking about the ideal mix of Celtic, Greek, Egyptian, Viking, I was I thought two main things. 1) it is never an accident, and 2) What and where were they when Jesus walked on the earth?
While I was thinking about how we are supposedly identical to our spirits then I started thinking about how that would limit the people with the correct genetic make up to be our ancestors. Uh, but they say you take on attributes of those you are with, and there are always the unexplained mutations. It makes sense that we would want to be with kindred spirits, huh?
Anyway, my thoughts ended when I thought about Paul's warnings to the early churches to stop making up fancy genealogies. I was me, and though I owe my physiological make up to those from who I inherited it, ultimately, God is the father of my soul and my spirit defines who I,become.
(Interesting thing I heard: There are those who believe God is just the creator of mankind. Subsequently, it was pointed out how that can be proved false easily. No invention ever became it's inventor or just as foolish no building ever became an architect.)
Although it is no mistake who begat,me on earth and that is significant for some reason, it is unhealthy to obsess over it as a key to some great truth.
But, instead, I wonder more about the little things. As a spirit, I existed in Heaven and chose to be born to my lineage, and to so be taught and my ancestors depend on me, but that,makes me wonder why.
Why didn't they follow God anywhere they could? For crying out loud, I had ancestors in upstate New York when Joseph Smith was there, didn't they ever hear him or question for themselves? Supposedly, they spearheaded a religious colony in Rhode Island (maybe this is a fantasy of someone) so, they were looking for a truth.
Ultimately, they believed so many false things and Gods when they,had the chance, and now they have come to accept a truth and I am told that they are dependent on me to get the work done for them, and I believe it and owe them so much, like my sturdy constitution (allowing me to survive near death many times. Even the doctors asked who my ancestors were, and I fantasized about that frozen super human chick on stargate SG-1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn8sud_5onE). It is also no coincidence that I do have the opportunities both through the internet and so,many available temples, to get the ordinances done that they require be done on earth.
Doesn't it nearly break your heart to know that someone desperately wants something so bad and you have the power to give it to them? That was how I felt about doing Brandall's geneology/temple work. But, you know, we share a lot of the same attributes and locations. I would not be shocked to learn that we are related.
One time, when we first met he asked me if I ever met someone but just felt like I had known them all of my life. Then he asked if I understood why he felt like giving me a great big hug. Aww sweet, huh? Just think of how it will be to see our ancestors again. I will feel terrible unless I do this work for them, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Et1vrvApDsA.) as then I am sure that they will try to assist me in anyway they can. It helps to have connections. J'ai du travaille.

Real duty

I am trying to define what my real responsibility is, understanding it would make what to do clear.

I figure that the time in life to chase after love has passed, although admittedly it was what I was preparing for all of my life, it is the songs and movies that are targetted at it. Even novels fill mind with the notion that true love is most desirable and at this point in my life I ought to be speculating and trying to help future generations come closer, but honestly, it is not anything that I have found yet.

So, do I create art of the thing that I think is the ultimate goal? I think that was what was done before and why so many works portray unrequited love because they never found it either. The world is fumbling around, too, Though we can match up and cathartically relate to some ideas of true love and think  "Ah hah!" that's it! My search is over.

But, supposing it is right, then what?

Ok, I am needed elsewhere,I hear baby Alarms (screams)

Regardless on if I found love, I can try to steer young hearts in the right direction. But, on the side I will keep doing what I can because doing teaches more loudly than words ever will.

All of my struggles and searching lead me to truth. The truth is that marriage and families provide the best way to show what we are about, not art. God provided the best examples of how to teach future generations about love, and there was a lot of acting involved.

Divorce is like Communism. Sure, it has a good intent, but it is obviously not the best way to accomplish something. If I want to create a lasting work it will be in my children...I believe the children are our future... By creating a solid and stable home life for them is,my best chance at teaching them to do so. I wanted what my parents had, but I wanted to one up it.

My mother taught me a very valuable truth, that everyone has struggles just some of us aren't skilled actors. Most families are not ideal or built on a foundation of true love, but the ones that last and build strong children and any hope of a solid future are the ones that last.

I suspect that divorce does have a good purpose as every other invention. This is a funfact: God ordained and performed marriage, but never a.divorce. I think that I opposed divorce so much, but it would be like opposing the internet because it was used inappropriately. Families propogate families, and those rough spots do not need to be just endured. Just because that is the best advice and help the other generations give.

Our true duty is teaching future generations to do it right. If survival of the fittest was any indication than if we do not fall in love we ought to die out and not pass on false expectations.

Just add wit

Here, have a bit of dehydrated water to go with your thought. It's all on me. Cheers!

Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the Lord your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul.

Abraham being tested?

Ok, admittedly, in the preface of the show on History channel it was suggested that points of view might differ from what is depicted, and in this point I was yelling at the screen.

They said that Abraham was constantly tested to earn a reward. But, that was just something I could not agree with. I believe there were sacrifices, made progressively more difficult so it could reasonably concluded that he was being continually challenged to prove that he was worthy of a reward.

But, I had always thought that he was given the trials because he had already proven that he would behave a certain way. And it was more like a Job thing where God could depend on him and.so he was allowing things to happen. Because he was at liberty to do so.

God is so happy to find someone he can trust. It is true that he must test but, once a subject has proven themselves, he is at peace. He knows that his will will be carried out.

I do not say ultimately choosing to obey one God as true.

when you have nothing to say

If you feel nothing, do nothing. Hahaha.

What is my motivation, I wondered at 4 am When My daughter jumped on me screaming
"Get up. Diapie Change! Breakfast! Get up." That's when I got up cause I realized She was.

Even the muddiest water will become clear if it is not disturbed.

Something every liar, er actor knows

You must memorize your lines to the point that it,seems as though you thought them.

stringing the right words together

I think it is like a painter trying to find the right combination of available colors to create a likeness.

I always attempt to say the right key word or something or produce a thought that will domino into recognition, but so far I have failed, but my attempts strengthen my ability and more failure only increases my chances for the probability of a success.

Maybe I was getting too close to having a breakthrough advantage, it explains "Why me?" When everything points to success. Even teachers used to wonder why I didnt have greater "success" when I had everything to be the next big thing, yet I had no desire. I told myself that was why. But, the thing I did desire to be I fail miserably at...

Patience v. Procrastination

I really need a blog called my soapbox, so that I do not to give my ranting a spin to fit a catagory.

There is a difference between patience and procrastination. I the first place they are spelled differently, which means that different words were created to accomodate the practices. We are taught to think of things in finite means. So, there is a time to do things Once that time passes it is too late.

If something is important to us we do not put it off and claim it is a virtue and anyone else who wants to progress is obviously in need of patience.

So many things create a great pattern of how to recognize love. It would make a wonderful Scooby Doo movie or episode where in the reveal we see how the backbone of everything was always love.

I am watching a video on Patience right now and it is not a difficulty of mine, a lot like brother Beckstrom explained how paying tithing just wasn't a hard thing for him to do.

The flute

This anecdote or notion was formed in my head courtesy of Natalie Bradley yesterday. But, it is quite the yielding game.

Would you study the flute for years including private lessons and finally major in it as principle study, but when asked to perform for an audition be forced to admit that you never actually touched a flute.

shakespeare

I  have had a long time to think about this so it will be less of a process and fewer words, though they haven't been picked yet.

I do not think it a coincidence that so many great writers claim Mississippi as their home, nor do I consider it a coincidence that I fell in love with the English Language, namely Shakespeare, at Ole Miss, which is in Oxford, MS.

It is funny to remember two things 1) my teacher considered me her project when I commented that Katheine had the right idea in learning her place in "the taming of the shrew". I was supposed to be learning the value of women having a voice. and 2) one of ny projects in Shakespeare class was to rewrite and perform a piece and I missed the rehersals and other meetings so I stayed up all night worrying about my grade and contribution, so I wrote incidental music to be played before and after the performance mainly. and I wrote a report on the uses and function of such music at the time. It was seen as brilliant. Really,it was like a tv sitcom and It wasn't really intended to be incredible nut that tends to happen mmore on accident then on purpose.

What are you looking for?

I was thinking again.

This time I was thinking about how my mental state is very similar to my original self or old one before my illness. I was realizing how in a way I relived all of my life in a much quicker pace. I revisited each mental and emotional state and I concluded that I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I still want foremost to belong. How dare I continue forward and bring lives into a world when I have not figured out my place yet?

Erickson's theory is right. Until we get it right we cannot really move forward. There are many ways to make up for deficiencies, but the only way is to acknowledge a failure and repent, and do over.

As I was thinking about what I did and what I should have done I instantly thought about my employment rejections and how sad they made me, but I can see, through them, that any rejection is ultimately for our own good. Let me explain. See you in the next paragraph.

Ah, you made it! It occured to me that even though not getting a job meant no opportunity to try to fit, but job descriptions and trial periods attempt to show what kind of peg will fit. And just because you do not fit one job only means there is another one perfectly suited for you out there somewhere.

It is so much easier to talk about distant things, like our stories that are long ago or far away. Growing up, I felt very distant from popular culture. Magazines and ads had no effect on me cause they were of and for people in some other world. I wasn't one of them, and I didn't care what those "city slickers" did. I wasn't.fond, in the least, of their styles or such anyway.

But, then I toured Europe, went to a fine arts camp, and now we have the internet. We actually, must coexist with those unreal lifestyles, and fashions.

I knew of a "skater", and I actually held his hand in a game once, so he was real. I had the hugest crush on him. Kevin O'Bryant. Probably never knew that I exsisted. He was a Chatanoga boy. Or in other words from the Big City. We were both on the Stake Youth Committee but,  I never thought that type of person had a place in my world, until a missionary, Elder Johnson, came to Elkhart, IN and he had a DM tie tack. What the heck was DM? I was a Drum Major, maybe that's what it was! Ends up, it was a music group. They were labled New Age, something city people listned to. I bet Kevin O'Bryant did. I heard a lady at church sing with a vibrato once, but everyone laughed and thought it a strange thing to do. Maybe that was new age.

Like I said, I,have lived through all of that and now imerge, able to think well, I think, but I do not know what in the heck I am doing. The person I was before would have never done it, and I do not approve, but what can I do? It seems any solution lies outside myself.

I feel like the brother of Jared when asked, what do you want me to do? Fix it and make it all better. The other world says, " If you have enough money you can do it for yourself." But, my world says, "If you want to be obedient, you have to take responsibility, but do what you decide is best, if it fails you learn what not to do and if you don't fail you'll succeed. But, doing nothing is foolish and worst of all selfish."

an internet game

think of what most interests you. Boil that down to one word, Now search on a search engine with your name.

Something to think about, and entertain yourself

What is your purpose, meaning what on Earth are you doing here?

Silver

It is obvious to us in retrespect how Judas valued money more than things pertaining to eternity. But, as things, namely situations, unfold around us do we inappropriately judge the worth of things, as well? That is your question for the day.

Nature vs Nuture

Now, that I understand, I don't really recommend knowing it is sort of like trying to open a package with a two-sided pair if scissors that will harm you if you harm the packaging. But, unharmed the package is secretly potential nagging at you, and it is obvious to everyone that I blabber, or relate and equalize by sharing the advantages, but in this case, I wonder if I even should tell you what I gained, because I.do not know what you are willing to loose

It became obvious to me a few days ago, but my most important example was only recently shown to,me. My husband has had incredible and laudibly, a most desirable nurturing, and so he assumed that I am a product of my incredible nurturing. That got me curious and started my whole contemplation of this matter.

But, the other day an example was more perfect. We both took in the same words (hence we received the same nurturing) but it effected us completely differently. Now, I can see a valid argument forming that obviously the time of pur nurture in the past formed our current natures thus our perceptions which are obviously different.

To me, it is something else. It actually determines our sex, the thing we define as our nature or our heart as in "listen to your heart" it is actually our already matured spirits. And that, is the most difficult thing for me to accept. My spirit is not compatible with Nick's. It was his nature that rejected the gospel and makes him so resistant to it.

Given the same opportunities he will almost always choose a seperate path. Whereas, the truth that I learned and misunderstood was that those without great opportunities end up worse off and overlooked when their spirits would have chosen such great things had they been given the chance.

It is true that we will get needed opportunities, I had assumed that my husband and I just had differences that provided strength, so when we had completely different effects of the same nurturing, it was of greater consequence because it answered a deeper but same question. Is it better to could or would?

I married Nick who had not chosen very well in the past because at least he could whereas that would be better than choosing to chase another who in best case scenario only would if he could. But, when you start to understand nurture vs. nature it helps us understand why people do things, and it is my goal to find a diamond in the rough, but I wanted to find someone who would, or had a similar nature. And now, I am so upset and almost inconsolable because I see why Nick behaves so differently than would,be expected by me but it is so expected and he finds many "kindred spirits" in the world around himself. Fundamentally, there are many who have the same "heart"as he does. And what makes him so precious,is how,much he has accomplished in this life, despite what he started with.

I have heard before people say things like, "you just have an old spirit." Or even, "I was [ so and so ] in another life." Such ideas are attractive because they explain parts of our understanding that langue fails to define.

If you're good you're good

I was just thinking about concepts and how we believe they are loved independently, but then I realized that I like Christianity but I don't like Obama. When really the ideas concepts are the same. You do something that puts you in debt and then ask for a bailout.

Shocking words

I've got a song stuck in my head. It goes, "Kicks just keep gettin' harder to find, but all your kicks ain't brining you peace of mind..." Yeah, while the world was changing I was listening to and watching the Monkees. My idea of scandalous is different than almost everybody else who is looking for a word to shock or titilate everyone.

In class on Sunday, a teacher used lots of words to shock us, like shiz, freak and even said "What the Fuh!" It worked we were all shocked. It was done to bring out the differences,between the ages in what is acceptable now vs. then.

Ofcourse it was taught that the words only represent our thoughts so no matter what we call them out loud, the effect or meaning is the same, so we need to stop feeling ok about not actually saying or doing anything bad.

It got me thinking about how sex oriented TV and music are, and almost everything commercial is for shock value, things like depicting or referring to sex is supposed to shock, but kicks just keep getting harder to find.

What was really interesting to me was when I thought about what would similarly shock or allure me, it made me realize how unnormal I was. For instance talk of sex or a naked man have no effect on me, but talk of security or breathing is sort of scandalous in my mind.

I noticed in many old dramas how touching hands or dancing meant something touching sacred to them, it means nothing to me. It is like the word piss in the Bible. I cannot say it, yet it was written unashamedly by prophets and religious scholars, or the word we all giggled at as children as we read about the Ass in the manger.