I got to thinking about how different the world would be if people chose to do differently than was intended, if things were intended. For instance, what if Eve decided not to eat the fruit? or Peter not to deny Christ or CHrist not to suffer for all mankind? let alone all the little things like my parents, what if mom decided not to marry dad?
This thought was caused by thinking about Lost SEason 1, and my children. I wonder if that is why Heavenly Father wants us to stay together, I had my children though, and I love Brandall he just won't love me, so I give up, I think sometimes the reason he married me was because of the uniqueness of me not giving up when anyone in their right mind would. I love Nick and He loves me, End of story. I believe that we would be happy together. anyday, I don't even have to be told that I'll get it, like the sernoMaybe I married Brandall as preparation. Everyone keeps tellingme that they know Heavenly Father loves me. I know that, too, but why won't he just send an angel or something? I really want to do what is right, I am willing to endure great and terrible things, it just seems un fair sometimes, that's why I think the adversary must have some claim. I think of Job, and how Satan tried to tempt him, but he stood firm, amid everythig. I think of Martin Harris alot and how he plans of God will not be frustrated, so if I fail, things will still happen as they should nothing depends on me, but for my sake anyway. Well, I would trade mortal happiness for eternal blisshat then? It seems to me that I will still have everything I wanted or planed for in this life.
right now there are many obstacles in my way, but that It couldbe a destination is very conforting. I just wish Brandall would tell me that he knows that he should divorce me.then I would know what to do. I certainly don't want to mess with the eternal plan of things. I need to have more hope and walk by faith. Everythings going to be alright, somehow. It just doesn't change my current anguish.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Contact
I wrote a very long post here then lost it! Urrrgh! Mostly I just felt the need to comment on various thoughts about themovie, but you'll never know now. I really liked the part where she said, "Words cannot describe. They should've sent a poet. it's so beautiful" and the part where Palmer says that Science and religion are both ultimately looking for the same thing, truth. then Ellie grips his hand. That is so cool!
Contact
I have watched and rewatched this movie and am constantly impressed with ow it circles the trials of my life so perfectly.
It helped me to see clearly what I shoulddo and what to rely on. It was a beautiful way to present theidea that I had been learning abot how belief is much stronger than science, but for the first time, I was able to not focus on the injustice of it all, or the reasons Ellie gives for seeking truth. I aske, well why is this theway it is done?
I have always had questions but never just one that over powered my life to theextent that hers did hr, it was why shewas selec.ted to make contact. I am a constant mess of science vs, what I feel. re wtching the movie was just the thing to me. I was impressed ow she said,"It's so beautiful, hey shouldve sent a poet, no words can describe" She obviously felt at a loss to convey. I understand that loss. There are many things that I fell and wuld like to say, but do not know how, the words aren't known to me.
I think that right now being Brandall's wife is the hardest thing, so I must turn it into astrength, so that I cannot stumble so again. By being constant Like Ellie was it will open other doors. For various reasons I know that God is aware and wants me to choose this path, even though it doesn't make sense and cannot be explained to others, yet, I must be constant despite whatever kind of struggle will face me. I can expect miracles if it is the right thing to do and there will always be away for me to do it.
Last week awoman spoke of loosing her spouse to death and her struggle to fel as she thought. That is my trouble and why my words can misrepresent me. I understand better than I feel. I know many things, but wait to feel them. I think this is the case with Brandall. I kno that I love him, but I do't feel anything from him, nor hae I ever, but that is not my fault, when a man ditches you when you are extremely sickmt is not to be taken li.htly, but I do take it such
It helped me to see clearly what I shoulddo and what to rely on. It was a beautiful way to present theidea that I had been learning abot how belief is much stronger than science, but for the first time, I was able to not focus on the injustice of it all, or the reasons Ellie gives for seeking truth. I aske, well why is this theway it is done?
I have always had questions but never just one that over powered my life to theextent that hers did hr, it was why shewas selec.ted to make contact. I am a constant mess of science vs, what I feel. re wtching the movie was just the thing to me. I was impressed ow she said,"It's so beautiful, hey shouldve sent a poet, no words can describe" She obviously felt at a loss to convey. I understand that loss. There are many things that I fell and wuld like to say, but do not know how, the words aren't known to me.
I think that right now being Brandall's wife is the hardest thing, so I must turn it into astrength, so that I cannot stumble so again. By being constant Like Ellie was it will open other doors. For various reasons I know that God is aware and wants me to choose this path, even though it doesn't make sense and cannot be explained to others, yet, I must be constant despite whatever kind of struggle will face me. I can expect miracles if it is the right thing to do and there will always be away for me to do it.
Last week awoman spoke of loosing her spouse to death and her struggle to fel as she thought. That is my trouble and why my words can misrepresent me. I understand better than I feel. I know many things, but wait to feel them. I think this is the case with Brandall. I kno that I love him, but I do't feel anything from him, nor hae I ever, but that is not my fault, when a man ditches you when you are extremely sickmt is not to be taken li.htly, but I do take it such
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
suicide viable solution?
these videos will probably help others, but they don't apply to me. I'm not a teenager, and No one does undrstand. I went through therapy and everything. all people can say is that I should be fine, WEll, I'm not.
I juswant to make progress. the thing that keeps me from killing myself is my belief in God, that I will be held accountable, there is no way to redo or escape, I don't like my struggle, but I won't give up and let Satan win. I just want to Know something. I am tired of believing. I watched that stupid DNA vs. the BoM video, but was entirely unimpressed with science. I am a withering flower, I need my nourishment! If my husband would quit being an idiot I would be ok.
I need to take charge of my own life, everyone else is messing it up. urrrgh! that makes me want to quit. I don't even know what I can do. there must be something.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Joseph Smith
I posted more about how science cannot argue with faith. learning is good, but cannot yet explain thing which are known, yet there are alot of secret truths which are not yet known.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Brandall, what?
Yes, I have a lot of Brandall related thoughts, sorry.
My children were just visiting me, how nice, huh? Brandall wrote me a horrible messsage in which he was very mean. but Ironically Peter Pan had sent me a vase of Flowers for Valentines day.
Today I had two thoughts.
I asked Lena what she would do, Move to Nashville or Utah, She said Nashville wiithout waiting today, but then I asked her why, she said that I belong with Daddy. He has a ring just like mine for when we got married. But she wanted me to take her to see Utah. Then I told her that Dddy didn't like me though, whih really should even be a concern of hers. So she explained simply, to get a new house and ask daddy if he wants to come and he doesn't hate me he will come. Brilliant child! anyway, I got to thinking, well, techincally there is more to a marriage tham living together. Charlote's web Wilbur said, "I think there is more to being friends than just living in the same place." So, I need to figure out what is more important beng in love or making my children happy, why can't they be the same thing?
I watched a movie about Joseph Smith, and was impressed that he felt the same way about the Gospel as I do about men, there's got to be an answer for me there. I thought to take what was good from everyone to mae the idea of the man I was looking for then I'd know when I met him, instead of trying to convince myself to be happy with whomever I choose. Cause even while Brandall was giving me computer parts, they weren't his in the first place and I bet it wasn't even his idea to give them to me.
I thought, but Utah Boy really loves computers just like me, and he would be perfect for me. Still I tend to give Brandall the benefit of the doubt because He has oenly acused me of being over analytical, so maybe I ought to take things at face value, he is supposedly simple and dumb, anyway, maybe I am looking too deeply for reasons. Maybe he just really does love me. though I see no reason for it. I know that God previously on every account has remained constant in telling me that Brandall is the one for me, enter my strangest idea of all time, referred to as "My seceret" in my poetry. I think I would fall in love completely with others like Peter Pan, which would be determental to my purpose. I am just being given what I ask for after all. It wasn't expected that I would need to fall in love yet, plus, there are plenty of songs, stories, examples that teach about failure in love before finding the right one, and again, with everything else I have done, it is becommming popular to get divorced and idolized as courageous, or something equally stupid, in an attempt to make what is good for one person, good for the cookie-cutter of all people.
I just figured out that I am perfect the way I am, and the best advice that I ever got was that I would be attracted to many others desirious of qualities they posesed yet it would not be the whole. once again, I think that is alot like the Gospel. I need to study that out to find my answer.
My children were just visiting me, how nice, huh? Brandall wrote me a horrible messsage in which he was very mean. but Ironically Peter Pan had sent me a vase of Flowers for Valentines day.
Today I had two thoughts.
I asked Lena what she would do, Move to Nashville or Utah, She said Nashville wiithout waiting today, but then I asked her why, she said that I belong with Daddy. He has a ring just like mine for when we got married. But she wanted me to take her to see Utah. Then I told her that Dddy didn't like me though, whih really should even be a concern of hers. So she explained simply, to get a new house and ask daddy if he wants to come and he doesn't hate me he will come. Brilliant child! anyway, I got to thinking, well, techincally there is more to a marriage tham living together. Charlote's web Wilbur said, "I think there is more to being friends than just living in the same place." So, I need to figure out what is more important beng in love or making my children happy, why can't they be the same thing?
I watched a movie about Joseph Smith, and was impressed that he felt the same way about the Gospel as I do about men, there's got to be an answer for me there. I thought to take what was good from everyone to mae the idea of the man I was looking for then I'd know when I met him, instead of trying to convince myself to be happy with whomever I choose. Cause even while Brandall was giving me computer parts, they weren't his in the first place and I bet it wasn't even his idea to give them to me.
I thought, but Utah Boy really loves computers just like me, and he would be perfect for me. Still I tend to give Brandall the benefit of the doubt because He has oenly acused me of being over analytical, so maybe I ought to take things at face value, he is supposedly simple and dumb, anyway, maybe I am looking too deeply for reasons. Maybe he just really does love me. though I see no reason for it. I know that God previously on every account has remained constant in telling me that Brandall is the one for me, enter my strangest idea of all time, referred to as "My seceret" in my poetry. I think I would fall in love completely with others like Peter Pan, which would be determental to my purpose. I am just being given what I ask for after all. It wasn't expected that I would need to fall in love yet, plus, there are plenty of songs, stories, examples that teach about failure in love before finding the right one, and again, with everything else I have done, it is becommming popular to get divorced and idolized as courageous, or something equally stupid, in an attempt to make what is good for one person, good for the cookie-cutter of all people.
I just figured out that I am perfect the way I am, and the best advice that I ever got was that I would be attracted to many others desirious of qualities they posesed yet it would not be the whole. once again, I think that is alot like the Gospel. I need to study that out to find my answer.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
beauty
I finally figured it out, andfound peace and it was free. sort of.
because I had the video of LIttle women, and I read the teachinga of Jesus again, they are wonderful! I found such happiness in his teachings, it was like truth that I had beenliving and wanted to be completely for years, clicked. mostly hesaid that even in greatness Solomon couldn't be as beautiful as the ravens or flowers. I think that God is mindful of me and I ought not to worry about my appearance, anything lacking will be taken care of my the Lord.
Little women pointed out several times that true beauty is a mind and eyes, not the nose or face. I really oaidattention to how they valued for most practical reasons the value of brilliance. I picked out two quotes:
THere is more to you than this, If you have the courage to write it...
and
"her blessings become a burden because she couldn't share them with anyone."
I feel such peace and release, I will just learn moreand obey what I know to be good, and be ths rewarded.
because I had the video of LIttle women, and I read the teachinga of Jesus again, they are wonderful! I found such happiness in his teachings, it was like truth that I had beenliving and wanted to be completely for years, clicked. mostly hesaid that even in greatness Solomon couldn't be as beautiful as the ravens or flowers. I think that God is mindful of me and I ought not to worry about my appearance, anything lacking will be taken care of my the Lord.
Little women pointed out several times that true beauty is a mind and eyes, not the nose or face. I really oaidattention to how they valued for most practical reasons the value of brilliance. I picked out two quotes:
THere is more to you than this, If you have the courage to write it...
and
"her blessings become a burden because she couldn't share them with anyone."
I feel such peace and release, I will just learn moreand obey what I know to be good, and be ths rewarded.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Tuesday
1) my husband
2) skills
3) ideas
4) music
5) movies
6) good friends
7) prayer
8) ability to believe
9) dreams
10) a healthy body
2) skills
3) ideas
4) music
5) movies
6) good friends
7) prayer
8) ability to believe
9) dreams
10) a healthy body
Sunday, February 3, 2008
6 Degrees = Global disaster?
It makes me think of the frog in the kettle, or the movie "the Blob" it seems sensational enough to make a great story, but I think that if people are prepared for the changes they'll be fine. I think it it pretty normal for the Earth to change.
Dashboard confessional
no, thi isn't EMO. just thought about the truth of it, Killing some time. oops.
you tube defined
youTube is like a situational dictionary. it is to communicate or understand by representing in video each situation that occurs in our minds, now we have the tools to communicate volumes online.
If the analogy of words helps use it, itwill help you understand why I post so many videos. I guess I could just use words to represent a situation and string them out to e read, but at times a video just hits me so and I think, it is too perfect,Like Mozart's music, nothing needs to be changed or added it is perfect in itself.
I like to speak in videos, whic is funny because they use words. i particulrly like to speak in music. i guess that's what opera does. when I was a kid I would imagine eac instrument being a person, and a symphony was delightfu to hear them all talk, in the movie Amadeus, Mozart (tom hulce, actually) said that it can only be done in opera, in any other occasion multiple voices at once just make noise.
I think it is natural to want to put poetry to music. that is how I taught my sisters everything. And I gave my daughters a cd for a present, cause I wanted to teach them princiles, that were in a song, if they listen they will memorize and it will always be with them. Music has touched me and savedme when voice alone or words alon couldn't do the trick, look at Music Therapy. or the popularity of Morrissey ok, bad examle. I know that i'm not normal,neir popular, nor is morrissey, but I used him to demonstrate how beautiful words become when sung.
One of my bestfriends loved his voice, but quoted his lyrics all the time andalways fund occasion. I personallynever caredfor his voice until after yrears spent listening to him, now it is familiarity that I love. I must also admit that upon first listen, I hated Daniel Beddinfield's voice, but I love hissongs so I listen.
Now,back to youtube, i think peole are wiser, may it is just me, but now lyrics have to say something, if you read comments on you tube or look for your favorite artist everyone finds a different clip or situation to attach it to. The comments are always about the lyrics fitting nicely or not, but there are alot of things where people just interact with out song, Cartoons, sockpupets, interviews, movies, etc. They all help to define our video language.
I couldn't communicate with out their help right now. but never fear, someone has spent hours slaving over trying to make a certain point and my only job is to direct the viewer to it to make my point. I am a babe in the use of this new langugage, but I enjoy learning it. plus, I am thankful for he outlet. I was stuck, like a bird in a cage for too many years, trying to make things work. but now I can run in the woods, er fly I mean, an
If the analogy of words helps use it, itwill help you understand why I post so many videos. I guess I could just use words to represent a situation and string them out to e read, but at times a video just hits me so and I think, it is too perfect,Like Mozart's music, nothing needs to be changed or added it is perfect in itself.
I like to speak in videos, whic is funny because they use words. i particulrly like to speak in music. i guess that's what opera does. when I was a kid I would imagine eac instrument being a person, and a symphony was delightfu to hear them all talk, in the movie Amadeus, Mozart (tom hulce, actually) said that it can only be done in opera, in any other occasion multiple voices at once just make noise.
I think it is natural to want to put poetry to music. that is how I taught my sisters everything. And I gave my daughters a cd for a present, cause I wanted to teach them princiles, that were in a song, if they listen they will memorize and it will always be with them. Music has touched me and savedme when voice alone or words alon couldn't do the trick, look at Music Therapy. or the popularity of Morrissey ok, bad examle. I know that i'm not normal,neir popular, nor is morrissey, but I used him to demonstrate how beautiful words become when sung.
One of my bestfriends loved his voice, but quoted his lyrics all the time andalways fund occasion. I personallynever caredfor his voice until after yrears spent listening to him, now it is familiarity that I love. I must also admit that upon first listen, I hated Daniel Beddinfield's voice, but I love hissongs so I listen.
Now,back to youtube, i think peole are wiser, may it is just me, but now lyrics have to say something, if you read comments on you tube or look for your favorite artist everyone finds a different clip or situation to attach it to. The comments are always about the lyrics fitting nicely or not, but there are alot of things where people just interact with out song, Cartoons, sockpupets, interviews, movies, etc. They all help to define our video language.
I couldn't communicate with out their help right now. but never fear, someone has spent hours slaving over trying to make a certain point and my only job is to direct the viewer to it to make my point. I am a babe in the use of this new langugage, but I enjoy learning it. plus, I am thankful for he outlet. I was stuck, like a bird in a cage for too many years, trying to make things work. but now I can run in the woods, er fly I mean, an
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Time for complete honesty.
Honesty iseasy online, cause you just shut of the comuter and walk away, perections and all, and no judgement is ever as true or harsh as real ones. almost everything can be masked or irnored, I've had great teachers there. This life is about avoiding immediate condequence, but I know that it will cme there is no escaping it.
ok, in real life I would never admit t this, but when I appear in deep thought about somethng and others wonder what i'm thinking, am thinking about what I lok like I am thinkimng, and try to think of smething that will never be guessed.
Lately I have seriously considered
Time out for another movie. OH! this one makes me mad, too, another love triangle or nt really that, but where a girl gets sick and gets to die instead of having to choose a love, I guess that's The popular opinion as to how it should go. It hasn't helped me one whit, I just want to know what someone else thinks the proper thing to do is, hen I could judge, but I only see that no one dares to make a choice only recognoize the trouble of trying to decide between loves, s hey choose death, too. The first movie, 1970's version of wuthering heights, Catherine just decided to die, so I guess I could chpose that, but why that seems foolish, I won't make that choice. I've come too far.
I have learned that there really are no bounderies, i can love anyone I just need to commit to it. But it is so hard when I have so may good choices. it is alot like music. today I realized that I like too many song, not juast like, that word isn't strong enough, but it is a curse, I admire people who are loimited in their influences or goals. they keep focus, me? I just flop around doing what suits my fancy and expect to progress somehow? It seems insane.
I promised to love Brandall nd could never have foreseen his change of mind, but itsall good. just proves a natural priciple that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch, but I think a bit or promises kept would do me good. I want to know tha somethings are permanent. Even my health was unpredictable. first I was heathy, hen BOOM! I was going to die of some rare condition, then BOOM again I'm healthy and recoverying nicely.
ok, in real life I would never admit t this, but when I appear in deep thought about somethng and others wonder what i'm thinking, am thinking about what I lok like I am thinkimng, and try to think of smething that will never be guessed.
Lately I have seriously considered
Time out for another movie. OH! this one makes me mad, too, another love triangle or nt really that, but where a girl gets sick and gets to die instead of having to choose a love, I guess that's The popular opinion as to how it should go. It hasn't helped me one whit, I just want to know what someone else thinks the proper thing to do is, hen I could judge, but I only see that no one dares to make a choice only recognoize the trouble of trying to decide between loves, s hey choose death, too. The first movie, 1970's version of wuthering heights, Catherine just decided to die, so I guess I could chpose that, but why that seems foolish, I won't make that choice. I've come too far.
I have learned that there really are no bounderies, i can love anyone I just need to commit to it. But it is so hard when I have so may good choices. it is alot like music. today I realized that I like too many song, not juast like, that word isn't strong enough, but it is a curse, I admire people who are loimited in their influences or goals. they keep focus, me? I just flop around doing what suits my fancy and expect to progress somehow? It seems insane.
I promised to love Brandall nd could never have foreseen his change of mind, but itsall good. just proves a natural priciple that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch, but I think a bit or promises kept would do me good. I want to know tha somethings are permanent. Even my health was unpredictable. first I was heathy, hen BOOM! I was going to die of some rare condition, then BOOM again I'm healthy and recoverying nicely.
one or the other
That is a good title for a song yet written,
Eternally I sttrugle between two, do I love one or the other, who am I? one or the other. I guess I will continue to try to find delight in having a choice, but I really would just rather not have a choice but in so doing I would have to surrender to the one or the other. I think that was supposed to be my lot in this life, i bet love was the reason behind the selfish desire to take our choices away. I will win the war if I but recognize the gift and opportunity, against all odds placed before me, but isn't that a choice to avoid being trapped. I wager that somewhere in my being I can recall old feelings and stir up a sort of rememberance to know the truth of my fictions. I am not a grand delusion, but a captivating truth, made to struggle only a moment to win the war, so I must be willing to act out of ignorance and accept trials in hopes of remaining true to what I am.
Eternally I sttrugle between two, do I love one or the other, who am I? one or the other. I guess I will continue to try to find delight in having a choice, but I really would just rather not have a choice but in so doing I would have to surrender to the one or the other. I think that was supposed to be my lot in this life, i bet love was the reason behind the selfish desire to take our choices away. I will win the war if I but recognize the gift and opportunity, against all odds placed before me, but isn't that a choice to avoid being trapped. I wager that somewhere in my being I can recall old feelings and stir up a sort of rememberance to know the truth of my fictions. I am not a grand delusion, but a captivating truth, made to struggle only a moment to win the war, so I must be willing to act out of ignorance and accept trials in hopes of remaining true to what I am.
Friday, February 1, 2008
For Brooksie
she loves this song!
I like it because I have a theory that I can still find love even without eerything I thought made me special like Ariel's voice. She did get it back though. like the Cinderella 3 movie, too. Cinderella wins love without the help of magic. If I'm still alive I just need to find another aproach because I can't depend on my singing and looks anymore, though they might come back with time and determinaion.
Anyway, Enjoy the song, I'm putting it here so Brooksie can see it when she comes over, her ousin Anna will like it, too.
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