Too much

When I was a young girl I was at a friend's house and we were looking for something to eat, since we played all day in the pool we were famished.

What I saw was amazing!!! There was every imagineable snack and goodie (store bought) available, but she was making a pb & j sandwich. I was shocked. I thought I needed these items and here she was with them available and she was not choosing them. So, I acted nonchalant and made a sandwich to go with an apple like I always had.

This episode made a huge impression on me and surfaced in my thoughts as I was thinking about what things are for and what it would actually be like to have anything I wanted. I wondered what I would need then.

I think of how everything I desire to be happy was taught.  I can find perfection in following what I was taught, but is that who I really am or who I was conditioned to be?

I think I am so lucky and smart, but maybe I am great a following what I am used to, and could achieve something better if my goal was higher. I used a metaphor with a boyfriend in college. I explained to him why I was so freakishly different. It boiled down to my standards. Suppose you were playing put put golf and the goal is to get a hole in one. Most people share a standard that is simple, and pretty certain at sucess. But, my aim is much, much more difficult but if I achieve it I will truly feel a sense of accomplishment.

Oh, I need to insert here a tid bit I heard in a talk yesterday, a woman was taking about how she felt so guilty because her friends must think she was such a BAD Mormon cause they believed  that Mormons did not eat any sugar (which is entirely untrue, btw).

So, if in this little metaphor thingy happiness comes from a hole in one, maybe I do not need to try for the nearly impossible one and my happiness might be scoring from a different goal. Oooh, I am getting waay off track...

I was thinking particularly about beauty. It is likely because of all of the bimbos that I truly have a chance at being considered beautiful. I used to worry so much that I was,not beautful enough to attract someone who would love me soo completely.  I thought it was rediculous to fall in love with beautiful people anyway, cause I only even knew about them because everyone already loved them.

But, I figured they really popular people are actually the only ones who might desire me, because I am thinking about that friend who had access to all of that junk food but instead chose what was important. What would someone who could afford to appear any way they wanted or make Anyone love them want? It wouldn't even be about being pretty enough...

That's what always happens

I think I made it through, and am begning to see glimpses of light and imagining the rest, all the while I am imagining conspiracy theories of how screwtapian it would be to use love and kindness to lure one into security and divulging secrets they normally keep gaurded, an fooey, sometimes one has to fully believe in a trick to the point of actually being trapped as was the master plan all along (like Adam and Eve). But, that is not what I was thinking about anyhow...

I was feasting on the various interviews of Adam Duritz online. Cause he sings that someone is not what they seem, this proves my future point, too. So, I wondered who he seems cause who he was to me is totally different, too.

As I watched various videos I freaked out that one was with Rob Thomas who was musically one of my larger than other heroes, too. In the interview Rob Thomas talked about when he knew that he was a song writer and it totally caught me off gaurd when I started thinking about Tal Bachman's debut album how he claimed that he started writting songs because it was what he was good at. Similarly, Rob Thomas said that he really had no other options. Well, so it is the same era, ofcourse thdy think similarly. We often see like themes in an era and they come to define the era. But, it was funny to me how everything reminded me of Tal Bachman, even when I was busy being obsessed with Adam Duritz. I bet he was, too. I mean, who wouldn't be if they wrote songs, they would surely see the "hand of providence" in everything he writes.

Long December

So, as usual I was singing to myself after putting the kids to bed. While I washed the dishes, I know how mundane, I was singing a counting crows song and it reminded me of how silly I had been. I was working as a field tech for IBM fixing hardware at Boeing Aerospace in Kent/Renton and for a lunch break I visitefy dive shop where somehow we were discussing my intentions for the future, they wondered if my dream was to become a dive bum, or a computer technichian. So, I explained that actually I was just waiting to hear back from Adam Duritz. I had just sent him a demo of my latest songs, and if anyone would get them and see how much potential I had it was him. I always felt a kinship to his music, and he was probably looking for great unsigned artists cause he just had started his new record company, "E Plurbis Unim". Golly, I was convinced, and totally unrealistic. I was SURE that I would be an incredible super star. As I washed dishes and watered plants I sang more and remembered how obsessed I was with Adam Duritz. It was not founded on any reality or was it healthy at all. No one else would like him anyway, until I heard that Jennifer Anniston dated him, and complained that he smelled, nay reaked of cigarette smoke. Then and there, I wrote him off, the whole thing was silly anyway. Next, I reminisced about my drive, my LONG drive from WA to MS with everything I owned in my volvo wagon. STOP. Wait a minute... I just remembered only partially that Robert Woodruff, a fiance, was with me in Mississippi, college age before WA, and he was very disturbed by my insistance on always wanting to listen to counting crows, he bought me "The Forgotten Carols" thinking I would love them so much!!  I eventually did like Jim introducing Morrissey or Brandall thinking I would go crazy about Depeche Mode. I actually reacted a bit adversely to them both at firsy, but now adore them. Anyhow, long story short I was and still am obsessed with Adam Duritz denying it is as pointless as acknowledging it.

Short Adam Apple thought

I always think that maybe somehow that fruit Adam ate had testosterone. Just a thought.

Anti hero

Out of fear of a hero complex, I forced myself into an anti hero complex. What I mean by that is that a hero does not choose to be one. I must relate a great movie I just saw where a man tried his hardest to avoid the inevitable, he was sort of destined to greatness and as he tried harder and harder to avoid it, that was what made him more popular. Others told the dude how modest he was because he denied any talent or such, but he honestly, cause movies give you an extra "observer" insight, he sincerely believed himself untalented and worthless, which made him so loveable. Real quick, That is similar to how I used to always feel about Tal Bachman: I honestly believed that he somehow, maybe supernaturally, always knew exactly what to say, think, or do to be popularly loved. I thought it an extremely uncanny thing. I compared it to a thing I had learned from John Locke years ago about how a man rises to power because he exhibits a certain "needed" skill set. So, he was likely oblivious to it, but regardless it was what the population craved and so he without even trying filled a niche.
Ok. Now, to the anti hero assesment... i recently have come to realized that my "invisibility" is only in my mind. It is untrue, but a thing I believed fully. I danced in the spotlight like no one was watching because I thought that no one was. I was wrong. I was thinking about God, and thought surely I meant absolutely nothing to him.
It was funny and that is why I remember it at all, but one day in a class a woman told how her husband claimed that she had been so blessed from her association with him, when she knew that actually He had received many of his so called blessings through her. Her delivery was what made it so funny, sorry I cannot relive it for you.

Oh, oh, an unrelated note. For years, I watched and loved a video where a dude mightily proclaims, "I cannot recall what I said...", and it makes me laugh, not because he is forgetful, but that surely would be funny for an actor to forget his lines in such and important soliloquy, but it is translated to mean that he cannot take back what he said. Ok, just had to share that...

I was thinking how much that was like me, saying and doing "the right thing, and he,means nothing to you and you don't know why.." sorry, um where was I? So, I am so unbelieving my significance that I say and do significant things. It is like God knew my reluctant nature and used it as a heroic tool.

Oh, my headache is gone, better fall asleep while I can!

Shiney toy, idol, whatever you want to call it

I was thinking about how we fail to recognize obvious things because they are not new. There is a lyric that makes me think a whole lot about it. "..for it is the drum of drum, It is the sound of sounds." It automatically conjures up ideas of gravity. It existed long before Newton documented it. Such things are, scientifically noted not by their doings as much as by their abscence. For instance we do not even notice how gravity effects everything around us, but if it was gone we would instantly want that force that held us together, etc.

I was thinking alot as well how very spiritual people claim that they never had a testimony if it is defined the way new converts recognize truth, because truth was a thing they always had, recognizing it is a bit harder. I relate this to being beautiful. I have been onlivious to it because I was blessed to be so extremely beautiful. Now, I do not say this out of vanity or pride, but out of a need to share a truth, I realized largely because it was taken. I knew that something was missing, and I "...tried so hard to put back the light in my eyes..."

This morning, I was continuing my search for beauty and I realized the main reason beauty was alluding me no matter how I searched... I was so upset when others made comments to me about beauty, and I still did not even know what it was. Ah, hah! Beauty is what I am and was and that is why I did not recognize it, until I was blessed with a central nervous infection that stripped away everything I thought identified me.

The truly most profound thing happened as I was driving to the temple in my car by myself, a song played: "I Love You like a Love Song", and it was not the temple, but I was sure this was a Heavenly communication, whereas typically, I discredit anything I learn from music. I typically always am inspired by music, but that is why I always go to the temple. It is because no unclean thing can enter and so, it is sure that any insight I gain there will be from a good source. But, years ago a girl told me that she particularly loved my comment about to standing in Holy Places and thought I was on to something. I was sure that somehow my van had become a holy place, and I figure it is because I was there alone, and scientifically, if it was a holy place, and it was just me. I had to be acceptable the way I was.

My kids are asking to go somewhere I cannot focus anymore...maybe later, I'm not done.