various thoughts of Luke

 My first thought was regarding Theophilus, which I decided is sort of a primative way of naming a Christian, who the Gospel of Luke was written to. My second big THOUGHT, was a thing I read this morning about how news had reached Joseph in EGYPT that Herod was dead, but it is said that John was th one who accused him because he wrongfully married his sister in law, ya da ya da, wait, John was only about 3months or so older than Jesus. Something seems incorrect, but I had also noted that the gospel of Luke does not even mention Egypt, so inaccuracies of translation or such are truly not of consequence. Thoughts are merely that, thoughts. Not every thought leads to truth.Another thought that tripped great thinkers up was the fact that there are multiple accounts of a singular event. This is frequently done to accentuate the truth. I have learn, merely with my husband, that we could see and instantly record the same event, but our accounts would differ, what was the same would become more noteworthy and supported. It's how testimonies work in law.

The thought that I am currently having is one which will likely become a new favorite scripture from the book of Luke from chapter 11. This is where, among many things, Jesus unfolds many things to students. Here he is speaking about the importance of speaking up and asking for things:

v. 8

I say unto you, Though he will not rise and give him, because he is his friend, yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth.

That is an entirely new thought. it seems like we do not even need to worry about the propriety of what we are asking for, just ask it. Further it amazes me that God would ever been importuned. but in this parable God is represented by a snugly sleeping neighbor who has perfect, legitimate reasons to not even acknowledge the request, but I have always thought, he will instantly answer prayers because he loves me, this scripture was instantly beloved because it basically says that anything I ask will be answered and not because I am loved, but because I asked. Did I get that right?

Actually, I do that for my own kids when things are entirely inopportune for me, I will do it, regardless, my son arrogantly asks as if he already knows that I will get up and get him what he wants, not because he needs he Cause I could give millons of reasons the convince him that he will not get it, but I get up and do it. Or the time Joseph Smith asked if he could give some scripture plates to Martin Harris, and God said no, so Joseph kept asking. reason suggests the answer would not change cause God does not change, but here we see that he can be wearied into granting things.

It just occured to me that perhaps the disciples may not be the best source to know the teachings of Jesus. Often it is mentioned that they understood him not.

You have my Crochet Hook!

I was thinking this morning about a thing someone said last week, regarding All of the voices in the world screaming for things. As a teen I wrote a song when I had that thought, cause that's what I did with those little notions, now, I write blog posts. President Nelson, a prophet of God said that among all of the voices who was going to be God's voice? He was. Hence we have that cool video message, I truly think more hearts can be reached via Social media than ever could have been reached through say face to face contact and communication. And perhaps it took a pandemic like this to realize the great power we have.

So many directions to go with these thoughts, I will stick to my main premise avoiding the discussion of how we are truly all like a smphony playing our parts that independently seem too small to have meaning, like the videos I saw yesterday on collective minds, seemed like crowdsourcing to me....those surging starling very much remind me of slime mold. There is so much more to social unity than we can sense, but.... blah, so, I keep thinking about the fellowship of the ring movie how each, after Frodo speaks  one by one offers up his strength that the task might be accomplished. 

In my mind, President Nelson represents Frodo and in turn, each of us, can now pledge to help him. Personally, i cannot offer much, but what I can, I will. I remember a comment the "teacher/moderator" of our class said, "You all do not know how good it feels to see all of those little thumbs up appear in approval."

It used to be that people were not allowed to think or read for themselves. It was only through a preacher or some sort of trained religious leader that men could know the word of God. people were not even allowed personal copies of scripture. Well, this age we are not only allowed to share our own thoughts with one another, but we find great strength in such unity. Individual burdens are lightened. 

I no longer am even required to know and do everything, but like Henry Ford discovered anew what the egyptian monument builders already knew, Great things can be accomplished when we focus on our singular task.

At breakfast, we were discussing how Moroni was such a multi talented individual simply because he was able to stay alive for so long,let alone know how to read or write when he was on his own. I had wondered quite a bit how he always  apologized for his weakness in writing. I got it, this morning. I assumed everyone knew how to read and write, but it is to communicate, and he was completely alone for a VERY long time. Where did he get the tools to write. How did he eat? was he a chef, too? I ended feeling very Greatful that we can divide our labors, and I do not need to even know how to make new shoes, or such. If I need to know something, for instance, I can look online, surely someone knows. Yeah, it would be best to pray, or at least pray to verify truth.

Oh, time is running out. I have many things I need to do, so that others can not worry about how their clothes get clean, food gets made, presents get wrapped, etc.

also, check out: https://www.comeuntochrist.org/light-the-world-2020

Bad case of Demoitis

 My son is AMAZING!! and I am not saying it because I am his mother, but as I was listening to a piece on repeat. At first I was upset by the rhythm mistakes, and intended to change them, so I was listening on repeat, and I started singing along, not realizing that the melody I was singing was not actually included in the piece. I decided to rewrite it, but so I would recall I made a brief video with the vocal part by me, making it sound doubly worse. I kept telling myself it was just for a demo so that I would have a frame of reference.

Now, I had heard a producer comment on how people get demoitis trying  to recreate what they recorded as a demo, and then to the chagrin of the producer who is trying to help produce an ultimately better sound, the artists, cling to what was originally heard in the demo. I giggled go myself, thinking it sounded ridiculous, but now, as I listen to the recorded video I do not even hear the tracks as being out of sync, but as some new sort of sound that I do not even know how to recreate. It is like tossing a piece of trash and it landing in a perfect spot that could not be imitated if tried.

So, I have a bad case of Demoitis...

Assorted

 Would the good guy lose to the bad guy because he was bad once  loosing favor whereas the evildoer is atleast honest and known in the bad he has done. Ok,I tried to cover too many scenarios that I fear I actually covered one and instead mad myself a joke.

I was thinking about how a person changes over time but, seems to stop or sort of pause at a certain age and then decline or atrophy sets in. I was considering the evils of comparison, mostly, at this time, I was thinking of how I often compare my state to that of older or younger, the younger still only full of potential, the old only full of memories of who they once were. it was such thoughts that gave way to the  notion that I might feel older, but I will never be old when my parents are no longer living. They seem young to me. but as I get old I feel so unable, although my parents are much older and they are still fully capable of so many things. So, out of respect, I cannot complain about myself for experiencing ravishes of age when my parents are still quite vivacious.

secondly, I was thinking about what I was telling my kids. that being healthy mattered, but not to fret over looking other than they may want. it is utterly rediculous to want to all look the same. We are all different in color, size, shape, whatnot. for instance. I am just a smaller person, I ate in a way that would be justified by only a very large person, but their father is a large person, although he eats very sensibly. It is merely his size, regardless. I tell them the same thing. I used to lament being so slight and little and not the size and shape other think is most ideal. but, in my PBI amoften told what a blessing it is to have the health and means to accomplish the desires of my heart. That does not have anything to do with size shape of being wealthy. It is just easier to deal with being a certain way, but,I was too small when younger, and now, too large. I have thwarted death, and been very healthy for a very long time, though, but the small window when I looked ideal was sad to loose after I finally gained it. Point is, it doesn't matter.

Nick brought up that when the brother of Jared saw Jesus Christ, he had not yet been born. we thought many deep thoughts about what we might to look like in spirit and if we would be aware of what we ought to look like to be perfect.  

 That make me think of a movie where a guy is crippled and barely able to walk, then, in spirit (after death) he is seen helping others, and is barely recognizable. I wondered which the actor truly looked like ontop of wondering if every resurrected man would truly appear different or simply like his spirit, yeah, I always wonder about how when Jesus is resurrected he still has prints in his hands and feet. There is another film where it is explained, in depth, what events are prophesied concerning the last days of man kind. in it, Armageddon is discussed and how whe Jesus comes to rescue his people, they will run to him so excited that their messiah had come. But, then they see the marks in his hands and feet and ask about them. He explains that those are wounds he got when visiting his friends. And then, together as a nation the Israelis will realize who he is and was. So, in his case I can understand why his resurrected body retained such imperfections,but Moroni looked great for a dead guy!

skin color, thought

Watching a video conference between two "White" people, and I was struck to notice something that might be seen as common was not at all common. One man's skin looked pinkish at it's base where the other man had a base that I recognized as I had been called "jaundice girl" and struggled to find makeup that matched my skin tone as My sisters all wore the same color as my mom, but I could not. Whatever color this dude was, so am I. I wanted to think about what causes the color, and that makes me think about what about an electron changes the perception of a color. Think, think, think...

Whenever we trace order back we find the origin in intelligence, not in a substance that created the order, that is a very good thought that can be at last understood by considering every possible occurrence can be summed up as either being acted upon or acting upon. It terms of the origin of life it supports intelligent design and not bang there it is......another thing to think about... just this morning I was thinking about Pascal's Wager and feeling good about it, but if my mind ever attempts to drift this thought will surely snap me back to a greater truth, that all thinking extended purposefully would return unanswered which would in itself prove intelligence..... j'ai du travaille

Suffering and sacrifice

I have thought, since ever I thought, that sacrifice must only exist in the notions of those who sacrifice. because, it seemed that every sacrifice, included giving up a thing and almost instantly being rewarded with something greater. So, what people call sacrifice is actually what we call growth, Growth of any sort requires change and potential, very temporary hardship or sadness. Isn't that simply part of any change?

I was thinking about this all in microcosm as I played a Role-playing Game. In the game a "quest" which carries a reward on financial compensation is to purchase this item which is equal to what is instantly compensated. It seemed pointless, expect that there is a further reward to be earned in completing a number of these "quests". So of the quests are challenging and I do not see the compensation those it probably exceeds the sacrifice. the one in particular merely costs the same price as the task pays, if I did not see a larger picture I would not be able to see the sese of it at all.

In the game, I see how particular sacrifices seem meaningless, but ought to be performed anyhow and this is like things we are asked to do that seem to make sense, like eating vegtables or doing math homework. further I see how the game moderator/creator would encourage to do tasks by assigning value to them as a means to sort of create stronger players... Is that making sense or do I need to extrapolate further?

I originally sought to make a record of this because  I hoped to share an insight I keep having about doing hard things. I almost think it is an incentive because it is through hardship that we become more like Christ.

I have been too busy to write... huh?

 I actually ought to be doing something else, and I do not even remember the last time I typed out my thoughts, but today, someone came over and left a little card that told me to record something, which was exactly what I had already said on facebook. I decided not to write it out again. but, it has been on my mind alot, about how I need to do WHATEVER it takes to be sealed to my family. I actually was talking to the kids on the way to school precisely about that, and they again expressed their desire to be sealed as well. It was solidified, I had to be sealed to all of my children. I really did not worry much because I was sealed to the older children, although, their father has subsequently left the church, I was without a spouse, though. Then I asked the kids if they thought Nick would want to be sealed to the older kids as well. I wondered if it was necessary, because they were already sealed to me, and we were actually getting a temple in Layton!!! So, I needed to ask Nick to get his act together, but did I truly even want that, hmm that somehow led me to consider many thing among them was the thought that keeps popping up but I push it down, It is, "Why do people oppose the church so vehemently?" Seriously, that alone makes my testimony of it's value increase. 

I decided that it is because, like the knitting project I was working on, at row 25 I tore it all apart to do over, and it caused sorrow and upset feeling, ones of inadequacy. It is when a thing requires alot of us and we give it, but do not see any return, we get upset. growing up, I always heard my friend's parents say that if their congregation had half of the faith and determination we mormons do the world might achieve peace, or something great. they would express in some way, to me, that I was working so hard to accomplish something that was not right. ok, back to my knitting... It looked pretty good. I could have just kept going and pointed out the improvements, but I wanted to create something marvelous and of worth, that would last, an heirloom, if you will. I think that is what those who persecute the church think. It is soo extremely close to being perfect... oh, oh! I got the perfect story for what I mean. It is called "The Birthmark" by Nathaniel Hawthorn. this alchemist marries this most beautiful woman who is perfect in every way Except a small little birthmark on the side of her cheek. And he nearly obsesses about how to remove it, and finally figures out a way, but he also kills her as it fades.

Oh, sorry, I never recorded the story of my parents sacrifice for the sake of having temple ordinances. I had only recently heard the entire story, myself. to summarize, My parents believed so fully, that they sold their home to have enough money to travel to the nearest temple which was in Salt Lake City, when my mother was pregnant with me they took the journey to the temple in SLC from Michigan. i often tell the story of how I ad actually been in utah before I was born, but I had never heard them complsain about needing to sell everything in order to be sealed forever. It is truly important to them, as it should be to us all as we understand more.

The box

 Put your hand in the box.... ha ha ha  had to do that...The duke's son must know many poisons*, I hold at your neck....

Anyhow, I was thinking about boxes and how they try to trap people in. And that is why I loved to watch McGuyver, it would seem like he was trapped, no escape from this box, then somehow he managed. as I got older I grew to appreciate the writers more and more to think up this escapes only armed with, ofttimes, physics.

It got me to wondering why, with so many years of experience, no one has solved the great unknown, and it hit me! ahhh! Faith.if we could know a thing we could not have faith. I considered how much faith was required at previous times in existence and there is more evidence of it then... I wondered about those who have lived through it all, have they just got better at blending in? It must be harder, at least we think we keep a better eye on people, huh, BB?

I have thought this before, alot actually, when we studied Solomon in particular. I wonder, since I do not know everything, yet. what would I like to know, granted with enough faith anything can be done.... well, what would I have done? I just want to KNOW how I can be sealed to all of my children.

Anyhow, regarding boxes... I realized at a young age that I think "outside the box", but I did not think like the others's box that is familiarly called thinking out side the box. I literally (before my children) felt completely alone knowing that to be accepted I had to pretend to think like everyone else, so I did.

My son was telling me that he often feels alone, so we can be alone together. ha ha ha, a Poet and he didn't know it! It is a familiar struggle though, I know what he means. It is simply hard to put into words. And it must be so much harder for him to be born and living among those who profess to believe the same, etc. I always figured I didn't belong because of my faith, but, even among people who share my religion, it has been demonstrated many times how differently I comprehend things.

My son is telling me how it is not seeing things as they are or else I would see others like me right there. He demonstrated and used the framework of one of his games to explain how common it is to not even see people right there! It ended up with him ranting about "spawn campers", and if I think people do that in real life.

How sweet and thoughtful, he is trying to help me. both Joseph and Mary are incredible individuals of which I cannot say enough good regarding.

Now to solve my current box scenario. Where to park my van when it starts to snow... I used to park in the parking lot, then on the road, but both places left me warnings. but our cars do not both fit in the 2 car allowed parking space because the spots are slanted and our apartment is on the end. I thought of just selling the van, but then, the kids would have to walk in the snow...

*honorable mention is the scene on "Princess Bride" where a game of Intellects is played using a fatal poison. then as a choice is made and one man rejoices as victor he dies, the winner later explains that they were both poisoned but he had built up an immunity to the drug! so smart!!

Flip

 That's it. I ought to be a journalist or politician. I can flip heart felt opinions like that *snap* 

There is a song lyric that fits by D. Beddingfield, I ought to go listen for a while. " All of it wasn't a lie. I really meant what I said..." from the song titled "The Way"

It happened last night as I pondered by myself, and considered may things at a level that I had not, then again, today as I was home alone and then the idea solidifued as I sat on a rock at the school waiting for the kids with nothing else on my mind. I should not escape or give up, but if we have forever to live, my intent is to have forever to improve upon and somethings, I would gladly endure for nearly ever if at some point a perfection would be achieved, but that is (the waiting) is not even the issue.

It occurred to me that there is a pearl of greatest price, that we would give anything for, It is not wrong to realize that you might have found a "diamond in the rough" but, we were taking about pearls, not diamonds anyway. There is a key word that I have never heard, and I really ought to give it more consideration than I do. 

Much time passes before I will speak concisely regarding this new stance..

I hate this!

 I  must have something right. Someone once said that if you want to be sure you are on the right track, go find the dust cloud (as it is evidence of a skirmish) if something is very good or very bad, it is beyond fighting for, and thus easier. But, trying to decide which is right is usually not so easy in the early stages, and unfortunately, our idea of early stages are much different from reality. I will explain this principle: When I got out of the hospital as still recieved out patient care, the doctors of neurology told me that if I did make a recovery it would be swift, in a very short time. I later learned that the spoken of "short time" to me mean within a week or so, but in terms of recovery it meant within ten years.

My daughter asked me a very interesting question, she asked, " So, when do we get to be Adults of God?" Cause we always sang about being a Child of God. I think that along the path of discipleship, pretty much every single person is an infant.

It really hurt me to realize that the very advice I loved and wanted to act upon was WRONG. I absolutely hate it!

It actually makes perfect sense that we each individually look out for our selves. Afterall, we are taught that the ONE soul that we bring unto God that will give us unparalleled joy is our self. We should THEN love others as our selves. Further, we know that no one can be coerced into goodness, it must be self done, right? I read many very insightful meanderings, as well that suggested that men were responsible for their own doings, and they are, for the most part. We know that without help man would not be and even being can never truly be accomplished without Assistance from our Saviour. I think of it as a baby, at first, they could not eat, or even think for themselves, but they have the potential, which potential requires assistance, all men need help too.

I was really upset yesterday and thought. I simply cannot endure this anymore. So, I prayed, ofcourse. And almost instantly, I thought, well, then what? No man alive is going to be perfect, but with time and effort...Well, heck, you have already done so much, you are at a crossroads where you must decide to continue on through hardship now, or abandon it all untill you get to this same point again.

My husband is a real failure, but he doesn't have to be, and he is humble. In the Book of Mormon this week we were studying about how we need to be like Christ (See also Book of Matthew). A Beattitude specifically mentions being a peacemaker, too which implies sharing the goodness you feel with others.

i remember a quote where someone pontificated on the veracity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and ultimately they said something to the effect of if Heaven could be full of such people as he finds in "Mormon" churches He would be happy. Personally, I often get that "zion" vibe i Utah, too. Often I find myself saying, "Man these people really are of one heart and one mind and they definately care for the needy."

The fact that my husband is flawed means that he is needy. I am a woman, thus a help meet. I can be a sort of Savior and share the Love and goodness that I feel, thereby "Making Peace". 

I guess I have my answer. though I loved the notion of escaping and getting my instant peace, the eventual or potential peace I could have by trying harder and enduring reminds me of a thing my dad used to conclude all the time, "People often give up with they need most for what they want right now." I am glad that he said it and I heard it.

wisdom from 10th grade

I was feeling very low, and wanted to nip it in the bud before I made my life worse with my rash, irrational decisions. I remembered how together I was in high school. Then, as I pondered things like of course, I needed more faith because I knew so little, but I really was happier then. I had a bad body self image then, but got through it, inconsecuentially, or did I. Ok, my next thought had a choice, ponder how King David overcame Goliath because he was too improbable, like youth tend to be, ya da ya da, or think about the Book of Mormon pride cycle, CYCLE and how a recurring issue might apply to me in this situation. I chose the second for various reasons, mostly because it is more recent and was specifically written for my day and issues, and though I think insecurity is not merely a "modern" issue. For me it still persits, and I am not looking for another bandaid. Then I rembered this poem I wrote hidden sort of crouching in the back most seat on a school bus listening to Bad Animals album cassette on my walk man. Why do I still rember that, I do. I think listening to music affects the brain in a way that increases the ability to recall things. Here is it:

"Form it is so fickle, for whilst zaftiggity's chic, sledr'uns slept in streets. So what is beauty to the blind? When they seek, what do they find? Perhaps, it is an inward quest to seek the good and find the best."

I wrote that on a note card taking a break from writing a research paper for English. Ha ha ha, now I am thinking about Mrs. Edmonton and how she had us memorize the intro to Chaucer's Tales in Old English. I still remember that, too!

"Wan that Ap rill with his shoreah sotah, .. with swish vere chew engendered is the flewer..May tay ache... Swaytay brayth inspired hath every holt and hayth..."

unexplained was understood

 Time is the final dimension because it is the last "Place" you would look.

                "... I long to tell you, only you. .... 

                                          from "One Unexpected Moment" by Melissah

I need to work on perfecting my image, I have thought to highly of being honest at the expense of appearance. My old college professors tried to explain how it worked to me, and I remembered the sad existence of the most beautiful and refined girl on campus, and I instantly upon hearing about her struggles for perfection decided that although I hoped for perfection I had limits, and would achieve it by and by not just the one facet of it, appearing so. But, I relistened to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire, and realized that we only get one shot to make a first impression, though I believe in second chances.... return to first thought, and how things only exist once if on adds time to the situation, This existence is all about dealing with time, who doesn't struggle a bit at such a limitation. I want to thrive and wise people suggested that we become first in idea then in fact. I suppose we appear greater than we are because that is our goal. I need to start appearing more as I intend to.

Lastly, and slightly unrelated, ok, the only way that it relates is that I thought it as well. My thought is that forgiveness, like everything expected of us, is modeled first. Of course we will forgive, because mistakes are part of growing, and if we were already perfect we would be complete and not need forgiveness. God allows his choicest children to make the gravest mistakes because of the amount of trust in them.

Note to self: Remember what would have seemed impossible before? Don't give up, everyone is accountable for what they know, and can handle. You were absolutely not ready for the things you wanted when you got them.

got it!

I was thinking it nothing significant that I learn through videos, but then it occurred to me the times my dad spoke about the superiority of live performances to recordings, and how movies are all basically lies. Because of what he taught me, I knew that there was more communicated through in person observation than what can be merely recorded. As I thought of it. I thought of waves off of our auditory spectrum, that we're still sensed though not audibly. But, amid those thoughts I realized that I absolutely needed to resharpen my reception of such "waves" which have been greatly dulled through the academic observation of facts that have flown into my being through videos. 

That is why epiricism is so alluring to some people, it is easy to trust what can be thought and knowingly made stronger. Things can assuredly be felt in other ways and strengthened.

I was also taught at a young age why reading the actual scriptures as they are written is important. Story: my sister and I laughingly read a newer translation of the Bible we found at my grandmother's house in Florida. The reason it was so funny was because only parts translated were the stories but not the "spirit" of the words. And hearing Jesus Christ speak in a more common lauguage seemed off...thus, humorous. Likewise, my dad used to be upset by my listening to pop music with spiritual sometimes scriptural words. It made sense to me the same way not being able to play my trombone in sacrament meeting did. Though, I still loved playing it and even the Angel Moroni always has a trumpet in his mouth, and He is on temples!

Everyone learns to discern what surrounds him by different means. I am just glad to be loved enough to have been strengthened as much as I have.

I had an algebra teacher in 9th grade who did silly things like talk to statues. This same teacher taught my parents and older brother, but of all the things he taught me one stands out. He said, "I sincerely hope that one day each of you will be as ignorant as me." It was assuming he knew far more than each of us. It was pondering on what ignorance was that I became grateful. I am extremely thankful to be aware of so much that I don't know, so I can keep growing. Being damned or stopped would be the saddest of things imagine able, not death, like in movies.

It was not cumbersome or heavy

I feel like I am talking about my brother.. rim shot.

I was thinking about how good our intuition is vs. trying to understand things. But, time and time again, people have backed down from a "hunch" because they feared being labeled Naïve or seeing through rose colored glasses. But, at what expense do we give up our intuition for logic.

A short story works best to explain it. I used to write a lot of music  and it was very good (He shall know his ways as if born to them - said regarding Paul's Stilsuit on Dune). but, then as I started taking classes, and saw that I was actually following all sort of harmonic rules and perfect tertiary or Sonata Allegro forms. My compositions got much worse because trying to follow such rules on purpose was so hard. I was told that was why I was taught to do so. like yesterday on a movie I heard a guy explain how the words in his language for "King" and "fool" were structurely the same. one started with a certain sound which was the same sound that starts the word "thought" the other started with the word for emotion or heart, and the guy said knowing that taught him that a king leads with his head and his heart follows whereas a fool leads with his heart and his head follows. Even typing that I still think the whole thing is a nice little logic puzzle or the sort of thing a thinker would say.  Point was I was eliminated from contributing great works because I could not create them the way I was taught and the way intuition works is a use it or loose it type thing.

Streamlining to be able to achieve greater intellect includes getting rid of intuition. But I am realizing it does not actually weigh one down anyhow. And Wisdom is far more desirable anyhow which would require a liberal donation of logic and intuition.

sadly I realized that to suspend my reality as I often did for the sake of entertainment y reality is sort of warped and not accurate anymore. The way I could remedy it is to go on a media diet, which I do not even think I could enforce for myself.... My son truly needs me right now, I can not keep typing and listen to him at the same time, so, the end.

secret combinations?

I had a noteworthy comment from my son today. I asked him what a secret combination was. It is a thing Latter-day Saints all know and are instantly aware of, and so I wanted him to be educated and aware of what those two words meant. He quickly, without giving me much heed said, "you have told me about that lots of times. Of course I know what it is." Alright, I did just ask if he knew what it was and was answered accordingly, but I was expecting him to explain what it was. I had not actually asked that though.

It is like one of my pet peeves how people ask, "How are you?" But, then don't give you time to answer. It is merely a salutation.

But, he did explain it to me and very insightfully. He likened it to anyone who tries to hide or leave something out when explaining, basically confusing purposely, although that is notmurder, if it is to get personal gain by being misleading, that would be a secret combination.

I realized that my whole life is like a secret combination, then. Like when I say that I am not going to ingest sugar, but privately, I sneak a candy thinking it honestly won't hurt anyone besides, no one else will know.

But, the greatest thing I realized was in reference to the Democratic party, or communists. The ideas are good very much like the Nephites, who for decades have been the good guys wearing white hats, but this same manipulation which I have always called the frailty of men (it causes such good ideas to fail). It is truly pride. 

I could say so much more, but it is too time consuming, maybe I will make a video.

Closer than I think....

 I woke up as is usual, with a song wormed into my conscious thoughts, so I played it on YT after driving myself crazy singing it poorly. The song was "More Than Words" which I thought was sung by the Nelson Twins, but could not find it, it was by someone I do not know named Extreme, but I found this first: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ISYT6EeUM0

after I stopped laughing from the humor of it, I continued to laugh as I listened intently to the lyrics. This time my laughing was by default. It happens when I am unsure how to classify the emotion. I remember my dad hearing this song and "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton and commenting that they contained significant ideas. My immediate thought was no in words but video footage. i figure out of desperation, my mind decided, "oh, just let me show you." I was in the bathroom but my daughter was not aware of that and she was screaming for me not to leave her alone. I stood there nervously giggling inside knowing that I already was there, And if she merely reached out I was within her grasp, but I was hidden. at that moment a flood of insight flowed over me and I understood far more how our loved ones are much closer than we realize.

My prenap reverie

 I was not able to move beyond considering this, because my daughter very kindly, requested that I get up and make her a snack cause it was past due and she had been patient. So, while I was up anyhow I thought I would continue my thoughts on here.

It is readily known that I admire Beethoven and this obsession has naturally led me to consider myself a failure when I have been blessed with plenty of hardship and seeming impossibility to overcome. Sadly, I just feel unmotivated merely days after each mental pep-talk I give myself.

when I was newly married, living in Nashville, I recall seeing a movie and though I was not over the top impressed by it, one conversation by another I found it weaseled itself into my conversations, and it was not even me. At a Stake Conference, our Regional Facilities Something or other was visiting, it was president Phil Smart who had been my stake president in Georgia. So, I ran up to him after  the meeting to thank him for asking me spontaneously to give a talk about how I wold only date members of the church. Walking to the pulpit to give that talk I was wondering, "Do I actually have any intentions of only dating in the church?" Well, I spoke and accordingly only dated in the church, cause I am NOT a hypocrite. If I say a thing I do it. Ended up almost all of my college friends were baptized and I told all boys I met that I would not date outside of my faith, and I ended up sealed to a member of the Nashville Stake Presidency with a perfect daughter and one on the way. I had never been happier! but, just as I was walking away, another man asked him if he had seen that movie, cause it was striking how my husband looked exactly like the bad guy (who appeared good and gets shot in the end). So, again, that darned movie butted in. and sort of hijacked my thoughts.

Later, I found that Gone With the Wind somehow crept into every conversation. so I decided that meant it was how my "glasses" were tinted, by movies.

Ok, so that was a huge tangent, but this is not an apology, just noticing the need for course correction.

I am in the middle of absorbing information about why, right now. You might think first off A Room With a View would pop up, cause of the boy asking his eternal "Why". though, applicable I instead am thinking of the last episode of the 100 where a cult follower accuses the culturally acceptable way of thinking as selfish. There is a point in the episode where the cult dude is supposed to climb up and toss a rope to this other guy whom he was trying to kill moments earlier. And it seems like he is going to ditch the guy, but I thought, "Comeon. He lectured about the greater good versus selfishness. Ofcourse he is going to toss the rope". and, he does.

maybe,  I am a bit narcissistic, as well always thinking about how things effect Me. One time my dad suggested I try to speak and use the pronoun "I" less....but, hey, my name starts with me and has I in the middle. but, I was unable to doze off because of a scene from the movie "Mountain of the Lord" where Brigham Young is perplexed with what to do because years of work needed to be redone correctly, but he did not want to tear it out and do it all over... I was so curious what he would do, and he sat and decided that he would not move until he knew what to do. I figured that I NEEDED to do something only I never knew what, so I gave up considering life and went to sleep. NOT TODAY. I would not rest until I had firmly decided what to do.

I was excited that I knew that I needed to do something, and that I actually had a place and purpose, but I had continuously been wrong, even though, I always chose good things, they ultimately were not the right thing. It was then I thought, "Maybe I am similar to Beethoven, or Walter Trout, but music was not my thing." huh? but I Was a musician, it was my great talent and desire, well, it was. 

I remember learning that I lost many most valuable things as a blessing. Only I misunderstood it as a blessing to regain them and turn weak things strong again, but a thing constantly in my heart is that I will be protected, like Moana, I say, "Um loosing everything is not protection." or is it? Maybe loosing abilities and still beimg me shows me what a distraction music had been to me.

I sought good things, but not the best things. My youngest son once told me, that it got him very nervous that it seemed like I wasn't going to even marry the right person. Strange thing for him to say, huh? yeah, but that same week a very good friend told me things her daughters had said to her, so she confided in me that she believed those strange things kids say should not be discredited.

While I though hard and prayerfully considered what my thing was if it was not music. I thought, I am a good mother, and... Ah, Hah! The one thing, that no one could ever take from me. I realized that was my purpose in life. Not being a wife or mother, although that is part of it, It is love.

I realized that despite ANY freaking thing that ever even tried to discourage me, it failed. One of my most inspired songs included the lyrics about how regardless of how everyone tries to disuade me,or you even think things will persuade me that love will only end in tragedy, the real tragedy would be giving up. I have messed up a lot, but I have not messed up in one thing that I did actually think of, although, it seems several times I would have just accepted my immediate failure and decided to move on... oh! the song "White Flag" just came to mind. I also think of how many things I did seemed so messed up or wrong, but they are me and will make sense in the actual narrative of my life. 

I used to consider love a huge stumbling block or DISTRACTION. But, it is clear that it can only be used as a significant stumbling block because there is actually a truth to it. A comparable thing is the love of money gets misinterpreted to be just money as being the root of all evil. Hollywood's representation of love as sex and attraction only has a tiny bit of truth to it. That idea of love will absolutely not accomplish ultimate purpose of life on earth, but it can be a solid foundation for the sort of love that we were all born with hopes of achieving. I merely understood enough to know that "love" would not be what I needed. when, actually, it is what I need, I just need to redefine love.

If Anyone asked

As a teen, I used to hold press conferences to share my opinion with the eager journalists. Of course, none were real, but me. But, this practice turned naturally, into the practice of recording my thoughts in a blog post.

No one ever asks, but I wanted to share a thought/impression I had regarding America.

in seminary there was a video of Moroni, I think it was, who was soo sad about his people, and he was so completely alone, though he was originally part of a great nation who received America as a promised land. and that is exactly what made such a deep impression on me as I read Captain Moroni's letter to Pahoran. 

(I wanted to insert a comment made by Natalie Bradley, years ago, that made an impression. I cannot recall what it was said regarding, or what was asked to illicit such a response, but she mentioned how lonely Moroni always looked all by himself on the top of the temple. I think perhaps God is lonely, too. just because it is lonely on top, and as parents cared and gave their all to children who grow up and fly away, they become lonely, too. Intentional?)

Another thing that was significant was Ezra Taft Benson's call to cleansing of the inner vessel. admittedly, I never actually knew what the heck he was talking about, only that it was important. This week, we read the exact scriptures where the war chiefs were claiming their failures were due to lack of purpose and unity at home. It seems "Out there" to blame failure on anyone but the one who failed, but in the case when external armies were weakened due to needing to fight an internal conflict, it makes sense. So, I could see that failure to deal with internal troubles makes dealing with additional external troubles harder, thus fail.

ok, but in my fictional response to something I read, but did not even want to publicly respond (think of how sacred things are sometimes confused with secret things). I did want to remind any Americans willing to consider it, that our government represents the people, and if the society is corrupt, we will be wiped from the land, that has always been true of this "Promised land".

little story, how my life changed

notice: pretty big deal.

Ok, It was a typical, uneventful Friday night, and I decided to crochet my time away, while I watched Tal Bachman and his dad, they entertain me, though admittedly, my lag is so bad, I pretty much see a live stream (if at all) not at all the way it was intended, the chat is way ahead (like a few songs) and the music is barely discernable, from all the choppiness. And it truly seemed like this time there were so many issues on their end that it was simply not going to happen. I logged on anyhow and was kicked off and when I returned the live session had ended. Oh well, I had just as much watched it later anyway, but, what was I going to do, now? I got up and worked here and there but decided that despite my failure I ought to try again, after all, it was not even time yet, though the vide was no longer listed as a scheduled live stream, but a previously recorded stream, no big deal. I thought maybe I ought to just check out their YT channel and see what was up, maybe it was just not going to air tonight, ya know, taking a break because of their other Beetles related Musical Mystery thing-a-ma-joby. But, when I clicked on that hyperlink, I saw listed a video that was currently streaming and already had 20 viewers. So, I clicked it and Tah Dah,a few hiccups, but everything was working perfectly! So, glad I used my time that way, too cause my life would never be the same as a result. Wait, huh? How? you're in luck. I feel like telling that story:

Tal and Randy, told stories amid all the ear candy, and I was able to chat, perfectly. Hey I was having fun, like I did when I was younger! Then, the two started talking about Walter Trout. I was like, "Who?" so, I asked in the chat and was referred to YT where I found a very nice video all about him, and without delving into what happened to him, be it known that he ended up in a hospital bed, basically unable to eat or talk, and likely never able to play music again. I was soooooo aligned. been there had to do all the therapy, etc. and despite a terrible prognosis, everything returned except my musical skill. So, I was listening very closely to him tell how he managed to regain is musical skills. He mentioned the horror and terrible hardship at trying to do the exact thing he was known for. I was reminded of my fascination with Beethoven again, and so I listened for the clue as to what drove these men to accomplish. I had just decided the previous day that we are given difficulty not as a punishment, but as an opportunity to earn a greater skill. Actually earn it. I loved music, but was that because it had always been so effortless and just came to me. I realized that I was better than most, by far, but that it was not my own doing.I had not earned this skill, it was just inborn, sorta.

Ok, this Walter Trout dude spoke of a conversation he had with Santana, I believe it was, the summation of it was that each person had a unique talent or skill to give the world and it ought not be wasted, nor given up on  I had said the exact same thing when choosing between Engineering and Music in college .I knew that each person was like cog in a machine and if we each did our part no one would need to do a thing they did not relish.( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM ) I was not intended for many of the beautiful sciences, though I surely had an aptitude, I was going to be a composing wife and mother. That is pretty odd of a goal for a young woman in her 20s with no prospects even of marriage, and those I did date I would never mary, and I knew it. Still, I spent long hours writing music and honing those skills, and even ended up in Music City (Nashville), married to a musician. But, out of the blue, everything changed. I questioned everything. Had I been wrong?

Just this week, I had watched the story of Vincenzo di Francesca, and how a man despite hardship and seemingly unsurmountable odds, overcame his troubles and, unbeknownst to practically the whole wide world succeeded in his life on earth.

So, Walter spoke of his accomplishments, and while he did, it was as if I was being asked to seriously consider what it was I could accomplish, and what was I willing to do. Did I truly want to be a musician? Beethoven thought of himself as greater to royalty, 

"What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven."

because he had actually earned his status, but most importantly, he knew his own worth. what is my worth? It is that contemplation that changed my life.

Who is Walter Trout? a blues guitarist, who recognized his purpose, and despite loosing his skill, he fought hard to achieve it again. He mention that it was actually physically painful to even touch the guitar because his callouses were gone, and he had to take lessons. It will surely not be easy for my to again contribute. But, I have a gift and an intended purpose, and I am not accomplishing it, but getting distracted by the ease of my life. Distraction is one of the big D's that my kids often spot as a tool to cause failure in life.

So, I will plot out and plan what I need to do to accomplish and not give up simply because things are hard. being hard does NOT denote failure, it merely increases the value of accomplishing!

love

I am coming to terms with what love is all about, unfortunately - it sort of reminds me of that video about the guy who realized that he was living below his potential - I am learning it too late to live the sort of family/love life I believed so fully in. I understand to a greater degree the advice I gave myself year ago, all the while actually believing I was not hypocritical. these lyrics say it best: We take the ones we love, and then love the ones we took.

I sort of am a polygamist, because I did get married/sealed in the temple to the one I chose to love forever. After which, I told my husband that he was stuck with me forever, and he said that was exactly what he wanted, admittedly, I was not fully aware mentally when he divorced me, and so I decided to just rebuild and better this time. that's a cute little lie. And mu ex-husband has remarried a couple of times, finally leaving the church. So, I am justified, in a twisted way, for being remarried with children. but, this most terrible thing occurred to me. I had no real love for either husband, it would take acting skills to portray concern enough to appear as love for them. I only love my children, and that is how I know that I do not love their fathers.

But, back to the real key: the last part of love the ones we took.. No one made me marry anyone. Although my reasons and intentions have changed/evolved I may have had a real valid reason the point is not that I am married, it is that I have not chosen to love my choice, and that is my real issue.

I just heard this: love doesn't just happen to us. It is a choice we have to make and remake over and over.

I am torn between two choices. I either want to focus on making the world better one child at a time or become a science fiction writer. I was actually contemplating that as I thought about how awesome it is to create universes/situations and very intelligent people when I snapped that train of thought back to my day to day life and saw how much I was doing as I molded these children daily. "I believe the children are our future. Treat them well, and let them lead the way..." I was wielding just as much "power" as what the earl of Oxford saw when he observed the effects of a Shakespearean play in the movie Annynomous. The difference between the two choices is that the one of rearing children requires I teach by example, so I need to actually love. 

In the world we realize that we did not evolve as a family, so we look for another we naturally love. And, it was mistaking love that deceived. Here I thought, Love was deceiving, hence a tool of the adversary so, I would just avoid it by avoiding it no matter where I saw it. Then, I was confused by the notion that love is not love that gives not love when it alteration finds.... no, it is an ever fixed mark. I assumed that if it did not last then it was not love. But, (another big D) that is the deception, Love isn't just a thing that happens. It is a choice. It doesn't bend with the remover to remove because it is not allowed to bend.

God loves us. but, I am not who I was last year, but he constantly loves me, as I do my own children. Now, imagine we or our children do a terrible thing, we still love our children, that is a choice. And the example God sets for us is make a promise and keep it. God still loves us regardless what we do. There are ultimate laws that are used to define a thing as likeable or not by God, still he has promised to love us regardless.... I never made my point, it was that, I thought for a long time that I loved someone because regardless of situation I loved them. maybe I do love them, but it because I chose to do so. There have been times and situations that I do not like, but after a few momen5ts of reflection. I decide that I love them regardless of that. The cause was not a "game changer". Like my son who says, "I hate you so much" as he hits his sister. I know it will pass. 

Once, as a child, I remember being so extremely distraught because I told my brother that I hated him. I thought that meant that we would never speak to each other again and that it was and eternal declaration by which I needed to abide if spoken. That was real remorse. I loved my brother and was so very sorry for saying that, I was really really really upset. But, it is interesting to me that I believed words spoken were all covenants. I still get upset if people say one thing but, do another. but isn't that what happened not just once, but twice, with me? I promised to love someone, but I don't even care about them. Sad sad sad… I have a lot of changing to do. hopefully it is not for the worse, but growth ought to be together, which is why it is so important to be equally yoked. even still, My purpose is not to find someone who can keep up, but reign myself in. for breakfast we learned that with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FLTAKSGd5Q

The kids told me that to get through life, we need to take more time to be sure of our direction. Joseph said, rather than looking for the way out. He hand a smarter way. Just find your way to the next viewpoint, and that way you can know that you do not waste any of your time.

Hide and Seek

One day, to amuse ourselves at Dad's music store/Margaret's book store we, children, decided to play hide and go seek. It was very long ago, but I still remember it because  of the epiphimatic  moment. My older brother Jonathan decided to hide in what was pretty much plain sight, and yet he was the last one found. I realized a great truth about everything that is. If we suspected that he would be easy to find. He would have been.

Later in life I used the similar technique with course work. I established myself as a good student, and then attempted trying out a hypothesis. I decided to not only do as little work as my peers, but to actually do less. It was causing strife that I always got a's when everyone else struggled to even pass. I turned in what seemed to me to be obviously a failing work, but I still got an A although there were many many red marks, I was given the benefit of the doubt. It was assumed I meant brilliant things, that were not said, etc. It was a true principle established through trial, that others see what they are looking for and are often blind to what is. so, even on this paper, I got the highest grade in the class, putting forth the least effort. I ofcourse, never did this again, but I realized that reputation has more to do with things that what is, it just sort of how the mind works... like My older brother, he had the reputation as being extremely clever and the best hider, so no one thought to "seek" him in plain sight under a table near Margaret's cash register.

War - Civlizations

Ok,I hid this post about the corona virus under a different title, that it might be read and thus considered by others (rather that instantly rejected by well-thinking folk as yet another unwelcome opinion about the whole Covid19 thing).

My thoughts originated in my thoughts about various empires and war tactics. As I considered them all I set one as most horrible above all others. The tactic of simply starving an enemy who could be beaten no other way seems sensible, but cruel. One likes to fight for their beliefs but, simply being deprived would squelch out an enemy's desire as well as death inflicted by another means.

as I was thinking about war tactics and evolution, I thought that I have never yet read the great book "The Art of War". perhaps I was ready to comprehend more than I would have if my thoughts had paused on it's pages previously. Still, constantly in the back of my mind is how cruel it is to starve someone to death...

Instantly my mind flickered to the war being fought right now! We have turned to fight other battle to avoid a war which must be lost. Or need it be? There is a battle that comes to mind between a Celtic tribe of France and Julius Caesar where the Celtic tribe had ceased an advantage, and so Caesar simple blocked off supplies and the battle was no longer fought with weapons but through patience. The Celtic war lord realized that he was going to loose, this is where my metaphor begins. So, he keeps on fighting to the end? No. He offers himself up in hopes of preserving his way of life and in that sense, he never looses although he had to surrender the battle.

I think it is fair to asses that mankind has lost again to a plague. It is in my way of thinking that the best strategy would not be to try to eradicate or escape it's touch, but say, ok, you win. No more unnecessary death especially via metaphoric starvation or being cut off from one another. It sounds cruel, death usually does. There are casualties of war, but that does not mean stop even trying to fight, but accept that your cause is right and achieving it might mean loosing your life. 

My thoughts, echo those I recently read where it was suggested that we stop isolating ourselves and lower our shield , masks, and other weapons. let the virus sweep through and move on. Most will be stronger (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger), though, there will be casualties, but if I could somehow do a poll, I bet  most actually looking at potential death, would prefer it to a life where not all even could survive. It is like asking a more infirm person, if they would prefer to be transplanted into a more youthful body, nd allow that person to die so they can live. Obviously, they would not want that.

I have a lot more to think about, and do today, but I wanted to share that thought as it progresses.

TRUE faith

I must admit that True Faith by New Order is probably my favorite song of all time, but I still haven't realized the great ideas encapsuled in that song, which will likely occur to me one day as I ponder how the song got it's name. Originally, I just liked it cause something about the video struck me as incredible... I digress... 

So I was thinking heartily about faith and what I wanted to teach about it and I realized a huge shift in understanding hinged on the word "true". It is  memorized by most Latter-day Saints that Alma taught that faith is a knowledge of things not seen which are true. Now, let's journey back in time...

Still with me? ok. It was a Stake Conference maybe a few years ago, I was growing upset because typically, every single word spoken is dead on with my notions of w hat is true, but when they proceeded to talk about and establish what faith was, I got a bit upset, because I had always thought that faith was knowing something you cannot prove, so any belief was faith, but every single definition that they gave was a definition of faith in Christ. I accepted that it was most essential of any other faith and of course "faith in Christ" would be the subject at a meeting of faithful members of Christ's church, but I felt like because it did not click when they defined Faith as being Faith in Christ, Someone ought to be made aware of this "injustice". But, just as I was feeling that argumentative feeling start back up I realized that I would be sure not to err in teaching faith in that manner. To my surprise, when I was thinking about how I would present an object lesson for my kids to first understand the concept of faith. 

I set out  to define it precisely. I started with a scripture in Alma (whom I dearly love as a great teacher and purveyor of truth) that stated:

And now as I said concerning faith—^afaith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye ^bhope for things which are ^cnot seen, which are true.

I realized instantly and everything clicked. I knew that the things I had been taught were not biased, but according to this scripture merely believing a thing not seen is not faith. It is only faith if it is true, and the only true thing is Jesus Christ, so believing in Christ IS faith, believe in other things is merely belief. It seems I had been wrong in my definition which is why the two definitions (the one I had vs. the one presented) caused discord, but this evening, my peace of mind has been increased greatly due to a single word that I had over looked -- this is similar to how it is commonly quoted that Money is the root of all evil,when truthfully it is the LOVE of money that is the root of evil.

Weekly worship

If you only worship weekly then you wordship weakly.

Book of Mormon stuff

First off, it is becoming more and more obvious throughout history that man is very Brutal and bloodthirsty. Why, then, would a father want us to have this sort of nature... Ah hah, this is not our nature, it is his plan, no doubt, that we subdue this "natural man" hence we fast and seek to avoid other pleasures. A large number of intelligences actually doubted the possibility of success. And, as I eat more but try to eat less that I think of a random comment a friend said about abstaining from a thing he had grown to love, he explained that it is not so much a religious conviction as just a thing not available. Ok, what does this have to do with the Book of Mormon?

Well, I have often speculated the why's, like why have this book to why did Mormon/Moroni include this part and what should I be learning from it? One major why started flickering and  earned my attention.

As I read Alma 23 about a people left to themselves, I started asking my Why's again. Why did The LORD pick Lehi's family to come settle the promised land. Surely, there were other prophets with righteous children, who would not rebell or be so bloodthirsty. BINGO! It is often said that the Lamanites are only wicked because they do not realize it is wicked, but they naturally have the ability to overcome their natural inclinations in way that the Nephites do not. It is much like a marriage how each has different strengths and weaknesses and they balance each other out.

Lehi's family was chosen because they could show through history what can be accomplished and further how God's plan might seem daunting, but it is possible. The Antinephilehis are an example of this. 

I likewise remember in a book by CSLewis how when people visited Heaven they were outraged by those who were seemingly rewarded. In life, many who seem righteous may only be so because they are not tempted or as my friend said they just do not have that available. 

I may not be remembering correctly, but it seems like in the end, it is the Lamanites who get the promised land.

The other great truth I got though I do not remember how it happened, but when I was very upset about my husband trying to divorce me and getting so incapacitated that I could barely sit up, and was prognosed to never walk again... I was comforted by the story of Alma and Amulek watching innocent women and children being burned to death because their husbands believed a thing taught. Alma was asked to use the power he no doubt had to save them! His response helped me accept things that happened that I felt were undeserved. And I accepted that was like accepting Heavenly Father's plan in the first place. People needed to be tested, and given freedom to make their own choice, and just as important is the ability to learn from and correct mistakes.

Battery is dying or I would say more!

Ammon

Ok, I had a new insight this morning as I prepared yet another lesson this week regarding Ammon the son of King Mosiah Ended up not giving that lesson, and merely showing another video cause It was Friday afterall, and I have a habit of allowing the kids to merely recap what we read about all week in a video. We already watched the living Scriptures cartoon, so I played the newly created video from the Church Library. But, I have not this, been able to share my insight, so I will do so now.

I always think most about the King Lamoni of the Lamanites thinking that Ammon was a great spirit, nay, THE great spirit and that he mentioned that Ammon perceived his thoughts. This is a strange thing to dwell on, no? but, I have for many years. And this time as I read the Book of Mormon I was impressed....hey wait, see that question mark on the previous line? Thanks Charlemagne! (thinking of the Carolingians, I had go adjust my choice of capitalization to be more precise). ok, so this time I noted how many times people "perceive the thoughts" of another. It is not that hard to pick up on contextual cues others give when not "Saying" verbally as much, thereby seeming to know wat you are actually thinking. I need to branch off in t wo directions here 1) why Ammon is different and 2) abilities to speak without words.

First, Ammon stands out because he obviously has the power of God, tough falsely assumed at first to be God. at one point he says that his brethren are being held captive in a neighboring land, and the king asks him, how he came to this knowledge, Ammon tells him, the spirit told him. This is surely the all-knowing spirit of the Godhead, else how could he possibly KNOW such a thing? So, Ammon was different than just being good at knowing his audience. He perceived things that are not typical to a son of man.

Second, I used to be very upset by the notion that someone/anyone could know your thoughts. it makes fascinating art in terms of songs, movies and such. But, after a whole lot of considering things, it does not seem that out of the range of possibility that man could communicate without speaking, or even sensing visual cues. Yeah, it sounds like the subject for one of those radio broadcasts that happen after hours. can men unleash an additional sense and use a portion of their unused brain to communicate in a new telepathic way? but,  think about after the Tower of Babble or even when the Frankish tribes separated enough ethnically to evolve a once common language. I do not know if men would perceive thoughts as audible words, as if all communication needed to evolve from spoken words, sort of how babies evolve babbling and cooing into a language. But, I do not think that Telepathic communication is out of the realm of possibility. think of mobile/cellular communication.

I have already touched on the point that occurred to me anew this morning. It is that King Lamoni was gaining a testimony of the priesthood power being the same power used by God or in other words the power of God. Ammon could do thing which could, so Lamoni thought, only be done by God because he did not know that man has been given the very same power. Aman who does such things is not God. So often Jesus himself spoke about that.

Just Gratitude

I was so incredibly foolish. I suffered, or so I thought. I was miserable, but not dead. I was denied many things, but none of them essential and I scoffed at the notion that being grateful was a solution.

Shortly after I endured the destruction of my family in the form of an unexplained divorce, And I could barely walk,but was able to sit upright and moved from a wheelchair to a walker, I was totally depressed. I could no longer play the piano, which was nearly everything to me, I loved to run, and had been a competitive distance runner. I still found myself going for long runs for no apparent reason sometimes, only now I could not run at all. I knew full well that the depression medication I was prescribed had no effect and I looked elsewhere for my solution. A hymn stated that wen trials seem hard to bear we should "count our blessings." so, accordingly, I started a gratitude journal. I struggled with it. but, it became something to devote time to and while I thought thus, I was not thinking of myself, I failed to grasp the greatness of the idea I had been given. I was still made to feel worse because I thought of thing I was thankful for but they were taken from me. It made me bitter.
Eventually, I stopped dwelling on the past and instead focused on what I wanted in the future, and I set out to make it happen (never stopping to be grateful that I could decide to do that!)

In my religious upbringing I learned of a communication we each could personally receive from our father in Heaven, God, Creator. It is called a Patriarchal blessing. I got mine as soon as possible. I have almost memorized it and have no doubt it came from God. There are things told me that no one else could know, certainly not the guy who was a stranger who pronounced the blessing. Ok, so, in that blessing it is stated that it is of importance that I be born to my family, yeah, yeah, but it continues that it is significant that I be reserved to live in a time where I would be free to live and learn, etc. and a time where women had the right to do these things. Now, I have NEVER been concerned with Woman's rights, Quite the opposite, infact. In a Shakespeare class a teacher told me that it was people like me who made her desire to become a teacher because I spoke about how it was good that the Shrew learned her place in a play we were reading. My professor wanted to rid the world of such incorrect ideas of women being property, etc. Um, I was not property and I used and took my freedoms for granted, until at that low time of my life that many freedoms were stripped from me.

It was the cumulation of many things, but ultimately, as I was watching a documentary about Huguenots (because many ancestors are recorded as being Huguenots and I didn't know what that was) where people had to dare to worship as they desired, and it was then that I felt a flood of thankfulness when I realized how much I have been blessed in merely not being killed for believing what I did.

 Often I hear stories about the pioneers and early members of my own faith, and how they struggled. I thought how similar it was to an account of Alma and Amulek having to watch people be killed for believing a thing, then they were imprisoned, but this seems, in history to be the norm more than the exception. My ancestors as practically every person who lives in America came here to escape religious persecution. Like Lehi even, huh?

Anyhow, I am extremely thankful right now, and wish I had been all along. It would have no doubt made me feel thankful for the life I had instead dwelling on the life I could've had.

intuition vs.logic

I decided on power point to present my new idea, and I am still giggling at how close I was when I allowed my mind to just have free range, and it returned with notions like the fruit of the tree that Adam and Eve partook of was poisoned or had testosterone. I almost would no even consider them seriously until in the midst of considering a change in cellular make up had to be made somehow combined with thoughts of how man needed to be transfigured to even be able to perceive God vs. how man feels his best is pleasing each other so, sort of like Hitler's Aryan ideal, oops! that would make change after about 20 like being Jewish, um, side track!

So, I was thinking about a movie line, "A woman's intuition is greater than logic." or "Ah! now, I see the Soul as being a feminine trait. Where men have strength, women have soul." Just maybe my wacky intuitive notions ought not be "pruned" but, rather indulged and trusted. But, how could I? They always seem contrary to reason. Just maybe, though...I will be able to achieve "Peace of mind" but figuring out how to make sense of crazy notions instead of just laughing them off as ridiculous.

Is wondering a mental exercise? Well, I wonder where intuition and providence originates, our brains are the logical origin of thoughts, but isn't intuition a feeling, not a sense like taste or something... great detectives or poker players learn to trust gut feelings, or hunches. I recently read a comment where someone else was verbally sharing a struggle with reason, and yet being unable to deny a certain sense of awe or feeling that there was more than can be understood by thought alone... I loved that. We surely read to know that web are not alone.... Oh yeah, not really related, but I need to find a line from a book of John Hobbes where he basically says the exact thing as is given to a student to say in Shadowlands the movie about C.S.Lewis

That's it!

I got it, and it is big. not sure how to announce it/present it to the world yet. but, if it is through Blog post it is not going to be another impromptu thought, but, satisfactorily researched and presented. I am honestly thinking of making a series of youtube talks because it is such a significant message it ought to be a TED talk or something. I figured out the secrets of the human growth and dealing with weight gain... and surprisingly it is not some new fad diet to regain youth.
but, I oughtn't say too much yet.  Why not? um, not sure, maybe cause I do not want too many half ideas out there - being put back together in a way that obviously misses the mark.

So much for Ambiance

I wanted to jot down and record my thoughts, and I had to pause the music which I have heard a billion times, but still, it might make me think of new things and thus forget what I originally thought. I suppose that is a trouble with age, dropping and loosing thoughts mid-  Anyhow, I used to be very upset at turmoil that happened, assuming that I was responsible somehow, So revisiting professor Pangloss was helpful and hopeful. though originally, his logic was pure stupidity to me, and the results of such causal observances through Candide's life was so ridiculous he was humorous. but, now, with a different perspective, one less critical, myself I started to consider how at the onset of such ideas of determinism, the world was in commotion and there was a scene from a cartoon about Joseph Smith where a preacher explains to a simple congregation that life was more or less pointless because from birth all actions are but a reaction playing out and web had no actual choices whatsoever, and Joseph joked with his brothers how ridiculous it sounded, and as a child it was silly to me, too. The notion was as funny as the idea that noses were perfectly suited for glasses and so we have glasses. Ok, maybe not quite as funny, but still easy to see how preposterous such a notion is. Likewise, I thought it is foolish to have ever even considered that Things happened a certain way to ruin what may have seemed like happy lives, simply because I secretly wished it, indirectly....um, like how a butterfly flapping it's wings somewhere causes a hurricane elsewhere. Every person, regardless hoe they appear to be are the ABSOLTELY most miserable creatures ever in their own eyes. There is a scene from the movie "Tess" where Tess escapes a terrible situation and feels thankful to be liberated, but a friend comments, "It's out of the frying pan into the fire." the consequence of her choice to escape that situation led to pretty much all the miseries of her tale.

What is on my mind is the contrast of the the two stories of Alma and his people vs Limhi and his people. I used to confuse the two people to be the same  and never had a teacher actually explaining it to me, so as I sped through that middle section I just decided they were the same people, anyway... One group tried to fix everything themselves, and that seems to be what Tess was trying to do, to avoid "Pain". I understand the purpose of pain, through the words of C.S.Lewis, to not necessarily be the problem we need to resolve, but an opportunity to realize our own dependence on a creator. The people of Limhi, recognized their failures and repented, but God was slow to answer them. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....

Alma's people were given as many persecutions, cause no one is excused from being the most miserable ever, even if God loves them. In fact he always chastens them! So, they had burdens, but did not seek out a solution, but instead used their faith as their action of choice, and though the cause of their pain was not removed they were strengthened and able to bear it. Likewise,  I made no one miserable, and any misery I endure could actually be a result or as we say "a blessing" as a result of the thing I desire most. I used to laugh at the whole what seemed to me to be a doctrine of Masochism, where we are happy at the greater the trial because it means a greater blessing. A common and favorite joke was about how, oh I cannot recall, it was a meme where one was bragging that they were more miserable so they were going to have the prettiest wife. Naturally, I thought, hmm does that mean that if you have an ugly spouse/child then, you did not deserve "better", ok, it is obvious how ridiculous so much of those ideas are. like everything that attracts, there is truth in there, but it was been so perverted that it is ridiculous, I guess the same is true about the news.

ok, enough words have been issued from my fingertips for now. It is time to make dinner and stuff like that.

Addendum: I never found av way to work in the other prevelant idea that was presented in a tv show "The Last Kingdom" where a pagan works magic (something misunderstood is called magic) to preserve a dying baby, but doing so causes her many tears because of the random stranger's baby that in place must die. Later the Hero finds his dead infant son and she mourns as much as he does because of his pain, which she feels like she caused.

We got Seperated!

"You got the address, I got the phone, without each other we got nothing."

Watching Season 2 of relative race where a team must find their relative's home and take a selfie (self-taken photo) of them with their relative and my mind was racing with insights, but this was the first that made me stop and feel the need to jot it down.

See the parallels?

trouble of falling

Falling is fun and exhilarating to some people. My son, in particular considers himself a rollercoaster addict. Most memorable is that dropping feeling. Click, click, click then you pause and plunge and your stomach feels something! Likely, you paid alot of money to feel it too.

Another feeling of falling that people will pay enormous amounts to replicate is the feeling of falling in love.

Just the other day it was clarified in my thoughts and I wanted to offer a lifeline to anyone who is being "big D'd" in this issue, cause almost an entire generation of people were ruined and Decieved, I so closely was.

The thought came to me while my institute instructor was talking sadly about King David and his life and it got wheels turning for all of us. I had just made it clear in my head that David had been forgiven, cause for years I wept for his bad choice and how it ruined his marvelous potential. See, I am not sure if Satan knows of our particular weaknesses of comprehending the distinction between love and sex and dealings and marriages, but it was a big triumph for him when David saw Bathsheba and was fooled into believing that no one would know if he had Uriah murdered. He (David) was the one in power. It is that sort of thinking that has been used to make the greatest advancements and greatest failure's (in Satan's eyes). See, a wee back story, before I concluded the way our greatest gift could be used to ruin us, I heard this idea: "Well, he doesn't want to repent." 

For years, my greatest secret was that I felt sympathetic towards Satan and felt like he had seriously only been God's greatest servant in seeking to destroy everything. I always thought I merely had to figure out the way that he would understand and then surely he would repent and somehow me restored or something. He doesn't want to be forgiven and he already does understand. He is not like the Lamanites who would be wonderful instead of lithesome if only they knew the truth...but back to my original premise...

David fell in love, actually fell. See the parallel? no, not to rollercoasters but to Lucifer. I am sure David repented of his sins and accordingly forgiven, but who you are cannot be repented of. And who he is is one like unto God or as a song so perfectly puts it "a shadow of divine perfection" (from 'If You Sleep' by Tal Bachman). The part of him that is so merciful and loving was used to kill and destroy.

When I was a young adult, I loved the idea of "Soul mates" they seemed coming and it was an accepted thing that you find that one person and life would make sense. Everything pointed to that being true. But, one friend suggested that the whole notion of there only being one person who our success or happiness depended on was rediculous.

Lately, I understand many of the things he told me (which I poo pooed at the time). 

I avoided the entire trap by ascribing an entirely different philosophy...I would simply have an eternal family without ever waiting to fall in love and further, I would not put the success of my eternity in the hands of anyone else. But, that didn't work. I am still me, someone who needs to love others. Well, I love my children. And no matter what a spouse does or does not do... My children will do what is right, right?

Ok. So, I saw that families MUST absolutely be built upon a loving relationship, after all, it is that union that creates a family and keeps it together. And even if I tried to change (repent) that I do not feel that love, It would require falling or giving up my agency to chose to be in love, unless... I find that soul mate!!!

This is what I figured out! Songs, books, movies, culture, you name it. It all teaches us that Love is out there and without it, we are not complete, and it is only with one person.

This is not so, we can make a choice to be in love with any number of people. At one point I plainly told an older woman that she was being rediculous saying she and her husband were not compatible. Any two of the same species are compatible.

But, this is where a keener insight came. Perhaps, what David felt for Bathsheba was different and it is intentional. My friend that I mentioned subsequently told me that although it must be a choice there is definitely not only one choice. He told me that he had actually met several prospective "the ones".

Now, this becomes problematic because there does need to be a choice and it must be one of "the right ones" and in that I was wrong in avoiding love altogether as a stumbling block. It was because of how such attraction was used to ensnare David. And one cannot deny the attraction they feel as powerful and even divine or Holy, but it should not be altogether avoided, just to the point that one does not fall in.

Right now, I am reminded of a thing said in a movie which I love "Somewhere in Time" where the actress's mentor and agent warned her that one day a man would come to destroy everything. And he comes and asks her, "Now, am I scary?". Um, sorta... The unknown is always frightening. And the future is generally unknown but we gobble it up every day.

weighty matters

i was looking for help, a bit like Mulan. In the scene I remember, she goes to the tomb of her Ancestors. That seems like a good source because who better to help you than your progenitors. Besides, in my class it has been suggested that our genes almost entirely determine/form who we are. This is what I found so far:

Henry was a fascinating character: initially blessed with good looks and stature; tremendous sporting prowess; a renaissance scholar revered by his subjects as ‘Bluff King Hal’. However, over the course of his 38-year reign, he underwent a dramatic personal metamorphosis to become a despotic, cruel and tyrannical sovereign, vile of temper and cursed by his deteriorating health 

I found solace in a song, too. It suggested that we must not place our worth in our appearance and such. Cause "When you look in the mirror so how do you choose?

Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
But you never seem to run out of things to say" so, what you say seems to last, and it is actually indicative of what is in your thoughts, right?

nearly there

Life. 

*Sigh*

Taking tests for study a peculiar thing came into my thoughts. Actually, the thought has been developing as a result of all of my choices of study and experience, but it forcefully asserted itself, sorta how taking a testis a way I learn so I love getting things wrong, I never get that same thing wrong again because my attention is focused on what kept me from getting things perfect. 

Likewise, the test I have been taking was submitted and returned with corrections, and I definitely want my life to be perfect, but I am just about ready to repent and attempt that perfection again.

It is a Long Run. Not a speed race, thank goodness. This morning I was thinking about Sherem. Who? Oh, some guy who convinced a lot of people that he was write and he tried to prove how foolish faith is, but asserting that it was misplaced and said that he could prove it to them. He said that if there was a God then he would be able to give him a sign. Ha ha ha so he got it in a way that he knew that there was a God, and he tried to tell others, but it was useless. At least he knew, right? Well, he died. So, about him, I thought about the concept of deathbed repentance, or how it might not even do me any good to know what is true if I do not live to repent.

Still, more is involved than just me. Yesterday, I stumbled on a very insightful article that most of all, it taught me what my true place is, and what my actual obligation is. And that is what governs my choices not laws and structures of feigned accountability and honor....more later..