unexplained was understood

 Time is the final dimension because it is the last "Place" you would look.

                "... I long to tell you, only you. .... 

                                          from "One Unexpected Moment" by Melissah

I need to work on perfecting my image, I have thought to highly of being honest at the expense of appearance. My old college professors tried to explain how it worked to me, and I remembered the sad existence of the most beautiful and refined girl on campus, and I instantly upon hearing about her struggles for perfection decided that although I hoped for perfection I had limits, and would achieve it by and by not just the one facet of it, appearing so. But, I relistened to "Fancy" by Reba McEntire, and realized that we only get one shot to make a first impression, though I believe in second chances.... return to first thought, and how things only exist once if on adds time to the situation, This existence is all about dealing with time, who doesn't struggle a bit at such a limitation. I want to thrive and wise people suggested that we become first in idea then in fact. I suppose we appear greater than we are because that is our goal. I need to start appearing more as I intend to.

Lastly, and slightly unrelated, ok, the only way that it relates is that I thought it as well. My thought is that forgiveness, like everything expected of us, is modeled first. Of course we will forgive, because mistakes are part of growing, and if we were already perfect we would be complete and not need forgiveness. God allows his choicest children to make the gravest mistakes because of the amount of trust in them.

Note to self: Remember what would have seemed impossible before? Don't give up, everyone is accountable for what they know, and can handle. You were absolutely not ready for the things you wanted when you got them.

got it!

I was thinking it nothing significant that I learn through videos, but then it occurred to me the times my dad spoke about the superiority of live performances to recordings, and how movies are all basically lies. Because of what he taught me, I knew that there was more communicated through in person observation than what can be merely recorded. As I thought of it. I thought of waves off of our auditory spectrum, that we're still sensed though not audibly. But, amid those thoughts I realized that I absolutely needed to resharpen my reception of such "waves" which have been greatly dulled through the academic observation of facts that have flown into my being through videos. 

That is why epiricism is so alluring to some people, it is easy to trust what can be thought and knowingly made stronger. Things can assuredly be felt in other ways and strengthened.

I was also taught at a young age why reading the actual scriptures as they are written is important. Story: my sister and I laughingly read a newer translation of the Bible we found at my grandmother's house in Florida. The reason it was so funny was because only parts translated were the stories but not the "spirit" of the words. And hearing Jesus Christ speak in a more common lauguage seemed off...thus, humorous. Likewise, my dad used to be upset by my listening to pop music with spiritual sometimes scriptural words. It made sense to me the same way not being able to play my trombone in sacrament meeting did. Though, I still loved playing it and even the Angel Moroni always has a trumpet in his mouth, and He is on temples!

Everyone learns to discern what surrounds him by different means. I am just glad to be loved enough to have been strengthened as much as I have.

I had an algebra teacher in 9th grade who did silly things like talk to statues. This same teacher taught my parents and older brother, but of all the things he taught me one stands out. He said, "I sincerely hope that one day each of you will be as ignorant as me." It was assuming he knew far more than each of us. It was pondering on what ignorance was that I became grateful. I am extremely thankful to be aware of so much that I don't know, so I can keep growing. Being damned or stopped would be the saddest of things imagine able, not death, like in movies.

It was not cumbersome or heavy

I feel like I am talking about my brother.. rim shot.

I was thinking about how good our intuition is vs. trying to understand things. But, time and time again, people have backed down from a "hunch" because they feared being labeled Naïve or seeing through rose colored glasses. But, at what expense do we give up our intuition for logic.

A short story works best to explain it. I used to write a lot of music  and it was very good (He shall know his ways as if born to them - said regarding Paul's Stilsuit on Dune). but, then as I started taking classes, and saw that I was actually following all sort of harmonic rules and perfect tertiary or Sonata Allegro forms. My compositions got much worse because trying to follow such rules on purpose was so hard. I was told that was why I was taught to do so. like yesterday on a movie I heard a guy explain how the words in his language for "King" and "fool" were structurely the same. one started with a certain sound which was the same sound that starts the word "thought" the other started with the word for emotion or heart, and the guy said knowing that taught him that a king leads with his head and his heart follows whereas a fool leads with his heart and his head follows. Even typing that I still think the whole thing is a nice little logic puzzle or the sort of thing a thinker would say.  Point was I was eliminated from contributing great works because I could not create them the way I was taught and the way intuition works is a use it or loose it type thing.

Streamlining to be able to achieve greater intellect includes getting rid of intuition. But I am realizing it does not actually weigh one down anyhow. And Wisdom is far more desirable anyhow which would require a liberal donation of logic and intuition.

sadly I realized that to suspend my reality as I often did for the sake of entertainment y reality is sort of warped and not accurate anymore. The way I could remedy it is to go on a media diet, which I do not even think I could enforce for myself.... My son truly needs me right now, I can not keep typing and listen to him at the same time, so, the end.

secret combinations?

I had a noteworthy comment from my son today. I asked him what a secret combination was. It is a thing Latter-day Saints all know and are instantly aware of, and so I wanted him to be educated and aware of what those two words meant. He quickly, without giving me much heed said, "you have told me about that lots of times. Of course I know what it is." Alright, I did just ask if he knew what it was and was answered accordingly, but I was expecting him to explain what it was. I had not actually asked that though.

It is like one of my pet peeves how people ask, "How are you?" But, then don't give you time to answer. It is merely a salutation.

But, he did explain it to me and very insightfully. He likened it to anyone who tries to hide or leave something out when explaining, basically confusing purposely, although that is notmurder, if it is to get personal gain by being misleading, that would be a secret combination.

I realized that my whole life is like a secret combination, then. Like when I say that I am not going to ingest sugar, but privately, I sneak a candy thinking it honestly won't hurt anyone besides, no one else will know.

But, the greatest thing I realized was in reference to the Democratic party, or communists. The ideas are good very much like the Nephites, who for decades have been the good guys wearing white hats, but this same manipulation which I have always called the frailty of men (it causes such good ideas to fail). It is truly pride. 

I could say so much more, but it is too time consuming, maybe I will make a video.

Closer than I think....

 I woke up as is usual, with a song wormed into my conscious thoughts, so I played it on YT after driving myself crazy singing it poorly. The song was "More Than Words" which I thought was sung by the Nelson Twins, but could not find it, it was by someone I do not know named Extreme, but I found this first: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ISYT6EeUM0

after I stopped laughing from the humor of it, I continued to laugh as I listened intently to the lyrics. This time my laughing was by default. It happens when I am unsure how to classify the emotion. I remember my dad hearing this song and "Tears In Heaven" by Eric Clapton and commenting that they contained significant ideas. My immediate thought was no in words but video footage. i figure out of desperation, my mind decided, "oh, just let me show you." I was in the bathroom but my daughter was not aware of that and she was screaming for me not to leave her alone. I stood there nervously giggling inside knowing that I already was there, And if she merely reached out I was within her grasp, but I was hidden. at that moment a flood of insight flowed over me and I understood far more how our loved ones are much closer than we realize.

My prenap reverie

 I was not able to move beyond considering this, because my daughter very kindly, requested that I get up and make her a snack cause it was past due and she had been patient. So, while I was up anyhow I thought I would continue my thoughts on here.

It is readily known that I admire Beethoven and this obsession has naturally led me to consider myself a failure when I have been blessed with plenty of hardship and seeming impossibility to overcome. Sadly, I just feel unmotivated merely days after each mental pep-talk I give myself.

when I was newly married, living in Nashville, I recall seeing a movie and though I was not over the top impressed by it, one conversation by another I found it weaseled itself into my conversations, and it was not even me. At a Stake Conference, our Regional Facilities Something or other was visiting, it was president Phil Smart who had been my stake president in Georgia. So, I ran up to him after  the meeting to thank him for asking me spontaneously to give a talk about how I wold only date members of the church. Walking to the pulpit to give that talk I was wondering, "Do I actually have any intentions of only dating in the church?" Well, I spoke and accordingly only dated in the church, cause I am NOT a hypocrite. If I say a thing I do it. Ended up almost all of my college friends were baptized and I told all boys I met that I would not date outside of my faith, and I ended up sealed to a member of the Nashville Stake Presidency with a perfect daughter and one on the way. I had never been happier! but, just as I was walking away, another man asked him if he had seen that movie, cause it was striking how my husband looked exactly like the bad guy (who appeared good and gets shot in the end). So, again, that darned movie butted in. and sort of hijacked my thoughts.

Later, I found that Gone With the Wind somehow crept into every conversation. so I decided that meant it was how my "glasses" were tinted, by movies.

Ok, so that was a huge tangent, but this is not an apology, just noticing the need for course correction.

I am in the middle of absorbing information about why, right now. You might think first off A Room With a View would pop up, cause of the boy asking his eternal "Why". though, applicable I instead am thinking of the last episode of the 100 where a cult follower accuses the culturally acceptable way of thinking as selfish. There is a point in the episode where the cult dude is supposed to climb up and toss a rope to this other guy whom he was trying to kill moments earlier. And it seems like he is going to ditch the guy, but I thought, "Comeon. He lectured about the greater good versus selfishness. Ofcourse he is going to toss the rope". and, he does.

maybe,  I am a bit narcissistic, as well always thinking about how things effect Me. One time my dad suggested I try to speak and use the pronoun "I" less....but, hey, my name starts with me and has I in the middle. but, I was unable to doze off because of a scene from the movie "Mountain of the Lord" where Brigham Young is perplexed with what to do because years of work needed to be redone correctly, but he did not want to tear it out and do it all over... I was so curious what he would do, and he sat and decided that he would not move until he knew what to do. I figured that I NEEDED to do something only I never knew what, so I gave up considering life and went to sleep. NOT TODAY. I would not rest until I had firmly decided what to do.

I was excited that I knew that I needed to do something, and that I actually had a place and purpose, but I had continuously been wrong, even though, I always chose good things, they ultimately were not the right thing. It was then I thought, "Maybe I am similar to Beethoven, or Walter Trout, but music was not my thing." huh? but I Was a musician, it was my great talent and desire, well, it was. 

I remember learning that I lost many most valuable things as a blessing. Only I misunderstood it as a blessing to regain them and turn weak things strong again, but a thing constantly in my heart is that I will be protected, like Moana, I say, "Um loosing everything is not protection." or is it? Maybe loosing abilities and still beimg me shows me what a distraction music had been to me.

I sought good things, but not the best things. My youngest son once told me, that it got him very nervous that it seemed like I wasn't going to even marry the right person. Strange thing for him to say, huh? yeah, but that same week a very good friend told me things her daughters had said to her, so she confided in me that she believed those strange things kids say should not be discredited.

While I though hard and prayerfully considered what my thing was if it was not music. I thought, I am a good mother, and... Ah, Hah! The one thing, that no one could ever take from me. I realized that was my purpose in life. Not being a wife or mother, although that is part of it, It is love.

I realized that despite ANY freaking thing that ever even tried to discourage me, it failed. One of my most inspired songs included the lyrics about how regardless of how everyone tries to disuade me,or you even think things will persuade me that love will only end in tragedy, the real tragedy would be giving up. I have messed up a lot, but I have not messed up in one thing that I did actually think of, although, it seems several times I would have just accepted my immediate failure and decided to move on... oh! the song "White Flag" just came to mind. I also think of how many things I did seemed so messed up or wrong, but they are me and will make sense in the actual narrative of my life. 

I used to consider love a huge stumbling block or DISTRACTION. But, it is clear that it can only be used as a significant stumbling block because there is actually a truth to it. A comparable thing is the love of money gets misinterpreted to be just money as being the root of all evil. Hollywood's representation of love as sex and attraction only has a tiny bit of truth to it. That idea of love will absolutely not accomplish ultimate purpose of life on earth, but it can be a solid foundation for the sort of love that we were all born with hopes of achieving. I merely understood enough to know that "love" would not be what I needed. when, actually, it is what I need, I just need to redefine love.

If Anyone asked

As a teen, I used to hold press conferences to share my opinion with the eager journalists. Of course, none were real, but me. But, this practice turned naturally, into the practice of recording my thoughts in a blog post.

No one ever asks, but I wanted to share a thought/impression I had regarding America.

in seminary there was a video of Moroni, I think it was, who was soo sad about his people, and he was so completely alone, though he was originally part of a great nation who received America as a promised land. and that is exactly what made such a deep impression on me as I read Captain Moroni's letter to Pahoran. 

(I wanted to insert a comment made by Natalie Bradley, years ago, that made an impression. I cannot recall what it was said regarding, or what was asked to illicit such a response, but she mentioned how lonely Moroni always looked all by himself on the top of the temple. I think perhaps God is lonely, too. just because it is lonely on top, and as parents cared and gave their all to children who grow up and fly away, they become lonely, too. Intentional?)

Another thing that was significant was Ezra Taft Benson's call to cleansing of the inner vessel. admittedly, I never actually knew what the heck he was talking about, only that it was important. This week, we read the exact scriptures where the war chiefs were claiming their failures were due to lack of purpose and unity at home. It seems "Out there" to blame failure on anyone but the one who failed, but in the case when external armies were weakened due to needing to fight an internal conflict, it makes sense. So, I could see that failure to deal with internal troubles makes dealing with additional external troubles harder, thus fail.

ok, but in my fictional response to something I read, but did not even want to publicly respond (think of how sacred things are sometimes confused with secret things). I did want to remind any Americans willing to consider it, that our government represents the people, and if the society is corrupt, we will be wiped from the land, that has always been true of this "Promised land".

little story, how my life changed

notice: pretty big deal.

Ok, It was a typical, uneventful Friday night, and I decided to crochet my time away, while I watched Tal Bachman and his dad, they entertain me, though admittedly, my lag is so bad, I pretty much see a live stream (if at all) not at all the way it was intended, the chat is way ahead (like a few songs) and the music is barely discernable, from all the choppiness. And it truly seemed like this time there were so many issues on their end that it was simply not going to happen. I logged on anyhow and was kicked off and when I returned the live session had ended. Oh well, I had just as much watched it later anyway, but, what was I going to do, now? I got up and worked here and there but decided that despite my failure I ought to try again, after all, it was not even time yet, though the vide was no longer listed as a scheduled live stream, but a previously recorded stream, no big deal. I thought maybe I ought to just check out their YT channel and see what was up, maybe it was just not going to air tonight, ya know, taking a break because of their other Beetles related Musical Mystery thing-a-ma-joby. But, when I clicked on that hyperlink, I saw listed a video that was currently streaming and already had 20 viewers. So, I clicked it and Tah Dah,a few hiccups, but everything was working perfectly! So, glad I used my time that way, too cause my life would never be the same as a result. Wait, huh? How? you're in luck. I feel like telling that story:

Tal and Randy, told stories amid all the ear candy, and I was able to chat, perfectly. Hey I was having fun, like I did when I was younger! Then, the two started talking about Walter Trout. I was like, "Who?" so, I asked in the chat and was referred to YT where I found a very nice video all about him, and without delving into what happened to him, be it known that he ended up in a hospital bed, basically unable to eat or talk, and likely never able to play music again. I was soooooo aligned. been there had to do all the therapy, etc. and despite a terrible prognosis, everything returned except my musical skill. So, I was listening very closely to him tell how he managed to regain is musical skills. He mentioned the horror and terrible hardship at trying to do the exact thing he was known for. I was reminded of my fascination with Beethoven again, and so I listened for the clue as to what drove these men to accomplish. I had just decided the previous day that we are given difficulty not as a punishment, but as an opportunity to earn a greater skill. Actually earn it. I loved music, but was that because it had always been so effortless and just came to me. I realized that I was better than most, by far, but that it was not my own doing.I had not earned this skill, it was just inborn, sorta.

Ok, this Walter Trout dude spoke of a conversation he had with Santana, I believe it was, the summation of it was that each person had a unique talent or skill to give the world and it ought not be wasted, nor given up on  I had said the exact same thing when choosing between Engineering and Music in college .I knew that each person was like cog in a machine and if we each did our part no one would need to do a thing they did not relish.( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM ) I was not intended for many of the beautiful sciences, though I surely had an aptitude, I was going to be a composing wife and mother. That is pretty odd of a goal for a young woman in her 20s with no prospects even of marriage, and those I did date I would never mary, and I knew it. Still, I spent long hours writing music and honing those skills, and even ended up in Music City (Nashville), married to a musician. But, out of the blue, everything changed. I questioned everything. Had I been wrong?

Just this week, I had watched the story of Vincenzo di Francesca, and how a man despite hardship and seemingly unsurmountable odds, overcame his troubles and, unbeknownst to practically the whole wide world succeeded in his life on earth.

So, Walter spoke of his accomplishments, and while he did, it was as if I was being asked to seriously consider what it was I could accomplish, and what was I willing to do. Did I truly want to be a musician? Beethoven thought of himself as greater to royalty, 

"What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven."

because he had actually earned his status, but most importantly, he knew his own worth. what is my worth? It is that contemplation that changed my life.

Who is Walter Trout? a blues guitarist, who recognized his purpose, and despite loosing his skill, he fought hard to achieve it again. He mention that it was actually physically painful to even touch the guitar because his callouses were gone, and he had to take lessons. It will surely not be easy for my to again contribute. But, I have a gift and an intended purpose, and I am not accomplishing it, but getting distracted by the ease of my life. Distraction is one of the big D's that my kids often spot as a tool to cause failure in life.

So, I will plot out and plan what I need to do to accomplish and not give up simply because things are hard. being hard does NOT denote failure, it merely increases the value of accomplishing!

love

I am coming to terms with what love is all about, unfortunately - it sort of reminds me of that video about the guy who realized that he was living below his potential - I am learning it too late to live the sort of family/love life I believed so fully in. I understand to a greater degree the advice I gave myself year ago, all the while actually believing I was not hypocritical. these lyrics say it best: We take the ones we love, and then love the ones we took.

I sort of am a polygamist, because I did get married/sealed in the temple to the one I chose to love forever. After which, I told my husband that he was stuck with me forever, and he said that was exactly what he wanted, admittedly, I was not fully aware mentally when he divorced me, and so I decided to just rebuild and better this time. that's a cute little lie. And mu ex-husband has remarried a couple of times, finally leaving the church. So, I am justified, in a twisted way, for being remarried with children. but, this most terrible thing occurred to me. I had no real love for either husband, it would take acting skills to portray concern enough to appear as love for them. I only love my children, and that is how I know that I do not love their fathers.

But, back to the real key: the last part of love the ones we took.. No one made me marry anyone. Although my reasons and intentions have changed/evolved I may have had a real valid reason the point is not that I am married, it is that I have not chosen to love my choice, and that is my real issue.

I just heard this: love doesn't just happen to us. It is a choice we have to make and remake over and over.

I am torn between two choices. I either want to focus on making the world better one child at a time or become a science fiction writer. I was actually contemplating that as I thought about how awesome it is to create universes/situations and very intelligent people when I snapped that train of thought back to my day to day life and saw how much I was doing as I molded these children daily. "I believe the children are our future. Treat them well, and let them lead the way..." I was wielding just as much "power" as what the earl of Oxford saw when he observed the effects of a Shakespearean play in the movie Annynomous. The difference between the two choices is that the one of rearing children requires I teach by example, so I need to actually love. 

In the world we realize that we did not evolve as a family, so we look for another we naturally love. And, it was mistaking love that deceived. Here I thought, Love was deceiving, hence a tool of the adversary so, I would just avoid it by avoiding it no matter where I saw it. Then, I was confused by the notion that love is not love that gives not love when it alteration finds.... no, it is an ever fixed mark. I assumed that if it did not last then it was not love. But, (another big D) that is the deception, Love isn't just a thing that happens. It is a choice. It doesn't bend with the remover to remove because it is not allowed to bend.

God loves us. but, I am not who I was last year, but he constantly loves me, as I do my own children. Now, imagine we or our children do a terrible thing, we still love our children, that is a choice. And the example God sets for us is make a promise and keep it. God still loves us regardless what we do. There are ultimate laws that are used to define a thing as likeable or not by God, still he has promised to love us regardless.... I never made my point, it was that, I thought for a long time that I loved someone because regardless of situation I loved them. maybe I do love them, but it because I chose to do so. There have been times and situations that I do not like, but after a few momen5ts of reflection. I decide that I love them regardless of that. The cause was not a "game changer". Like my son who says, "I hate you so much" as he hits his sister. I know it will pass. 

Once, as a child, I remember being so extremely distraught because I told my brother that I hated him. I thought that meant that we would never speak to each other again and that it was and eternal declaration by which I needed to abide if spoken. That was real remorse. I loved my brother and was so very sorry for saying that, I was really really really upset. But, it is interesting to me that I believed words spoken were all covenants. I still get upset if people say one thing but, do another. but isn't that what happened not just once, but twice, with me? I promised to love someone, but I don't even care about them. Sad sad sad… I have a lot of changing to do. hopefully it is not for the worse, but growth ought to be together, which is why it is so important to be equally yoked. even still, My purpose is not to find someone who can keep up, but reign myself in. for breakfast we learned that with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FLTAKSGd5Q

The kids told me that to get through life, we need to take more time to be sure of our direction. Joseph said, rather than looking for the way out. He hand a smarter way. Just find your way to the next viewpoint, and that way you can know that you do not waste any of your time.