The box

 Put your hand in the box.... ha ha ha  had to do that...The duke's son must know many poisons*, I hold at your neck....

Anyhow, I was thinking about boxes and how they try to trap people in. And that is why I loved to watch McGuyver, it would seem like he was trapped, no escape from this box, then somehow he managed. as I got older I grew to appreciate the writers more and more to think up this escapes only armed with, ofttimes, physics.

It got me to wondering why, with so many years of experience, no one has solved the great unknown, and it hit me! ahhh! Faith.if we could know a thing we could not have faith. I considered how much faith was required at previous times in existence and there is more evidence of it then... I wondered about those who have lived through it all, have they just got better at blending in? It must be harder, at least we think we keep a better eye on people, huh, BB?

I have thought this before, alot actually, when we studied Solomon in particular. I wonder, since I do not know everything, yet. what would I like to know, granted with enough faith anything can be done.... well, what would I have done? I just want to KNOW how I can be sealed to all of my children.

Anyhow, regarding boxes... I realized at a young age that I think "outside the box", but I did not think like the others's box that is familiarly called thinking out side the box. I literally (before my children) felt completely alone knowing that to be accepted I had to pretend to think like everyone else, so I did.

My son was telling me that he often feels alone, so we can be alone together. ha ha ha, a Poet and he didn't know it! It is a familiar struggle though, I know what he means. It is simply hard to put into words. And it must be so much harder for him to be born and living among those who profess to believe the same, etc. I always figured I didn't belong because of my faith, but, even among people who share my religion, it has been demonstrated many times how differently I comprehend things.

My son is telling me how it is not seeing things as they are or else I would see others like me right there. He demonstrated and used the framework of one of his games to explain how common it is to not even see people right there! It ended up with him ranting about "spawn campers", and if I think people do that in real life.

How sweet and thoughtful, he is trying to help me. both Joseph and Mary are incredible individuals of which I cannot say enough good regarding.

Now to solve my current box scenario. Where to park my van when it starts to snow... I used to park in the parking lot, then on the road, but both places left me warnings. but our cars do not both fit in the 2 car allowed parking space because the spots are slanted and our apartment is on the end. I thought of just selling the van, but then, the kids would have to walk in the snow...

*honorable mention is the scene on "Princess Bride" where a game of Intellects is played using a fatal poison. then as a choice is made and one man rejoices as victor he dies, the winner later explains that they were both poisoned but he had built up an immunity to the drug! so smart!!

Flip

 That's it. I ought to be a journalist or politician. I can flip heart felt opinions like that *snap* 

There is a song lyric that fits by D. Beddingfield, I ought to go listen for a while. " All of it wasn't a lie. I really meant what I said..." from the song titled "The Way"

It happened last night as I pondered by myself, and considered may things at a level that I had not, then again, today as I was home alone and then the idea solidifued as I sat on a rock at the school waiting for the kids with nothing else on my mind. I should not escape or give up, but if we have forever to live, my intent is to have forever to improve upon and somethings, I would gladly endure for nearly ever if at some point a perfection would be achieved, but that is (the waiting) is not even the issue.

It occurred to me that there is a pearl of greatest price, that we would give anything for, It is not wrong to realize that you might have found a "diamond in the rough" but, we were taking about pearls, not diamonds anyway. There is a key word that I have never heard, and I really ought to give it more consideration than I do. 

Much time passes before I will speak concisely regarding this new stance..

I hate this!

 I  must have something right. Someone once said that if you want to be sure you are on the right track, go find the dust cloud (as it is evidence of a skirmish) if something is very good or very bad, it is beyond fighting for, and thus easier. But, trying to decide which is right is usually not so easy in the early stages, and unfortunately, our idea of early stages are much different from reality. I will explain this principle: When I got out of the hospital as still recieved out patient care, the doctors of neurology told me that if I did make a recovery it would be swift, in a very short time. I later learned that the spoken of "short time" to me mean within a week or so, but in terms of recovery it meant within ten years.

My daughter asked me a very interesting question, she asked, " So, when do we get to be Adults of God?" Cause we always sang about being a Child of God. I think that along the path of discipleship, pretty much every single person is an infant.

It really hurt me to realize that the very advice I loved and wanted to act upon was WRONG. I absolutely hate it!

It actually makes perfect sense that we each individually look out for our selves. Afterall, we are taught that the ONE soul that we bring unto God that will give us unparalleled joy is our self. We should THEN love others as our selves. Further, we know that no one can be coerced into goodness, it must be self done, right? I read many very insightful meanderings, as well that suggested that men were responsible for their own doings, and they are, for the most part. We know that without help man would not be and even being can never truly be accomplished without Assistance from our Saviour. I think of it as a baby, at first, they could not eat, or even think for themselves, but they have the potential, which potential requires assistance, all men need help too.

I was really upset yesterday and thought. I simply cannot endure this anymore. So, I prayed, ofcourse. And almost instantly, I thought, well, then what? No man alive is going to be perfect, but with time and effort...Well, heck, you have already done so much, you are at a crossroads where you must decide to continue on through hardship now, or abandon it all untill you get to this same point again.

My husband is a real failure, but he doesn't have to be, and he is humble. In the Book of Mormon this week we were studying about how we need to be like Christ (See also Book of Matthew). A Beattitude specifically mentions being a peacemaker, too which implies sharing the goodness you feel with others.

i remember a quote where someone pontificated on the veracity of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and ultimately they said something to the effect of if Heaven could be full of such people as he finds in "Mormon" churches He would be happy. Personally, I often get that "zion" vibe i Utah, too. Often I find myself saying, "Man these people really are of one heart and one mind and they definately care for the needy."

The fact that my husband is flawed means that he is needy. I am a woman, thus a help meet. I can be a sort of Savior and share the Love and goodness that I feel, thereby "Making Peace". 

I guess I have my answer. though I loved the notion of escaping and getting my instant peace, the eventual or potential peace I could have by trying harder and enduring reminds me of a thing my dad used to conclude all the time, "People often give up with they need most for what they want right now." I am glad that he said it and I heard it.

wisdom from 10th grade

I was feeling very low, and wanted to nip it in the bud before I made my life worse with my rash, irrational decisions. I remembered how together I was in high school. Then, as I pondered things like of course, I needed more faith because I knew so little, but I really was happier then. I had a bad body self image then, but got through it, inconsecuentially, or did I. Ok, my next thought had a choice, ponder how King David overcame Goliath because he was too improbable, like youth tend to be, ya da ya da, or think about the Book of Mormon pride cycle, CYCLE and how a recurring issue might apply to me in this situation. I chose the second for various reasons, mostly because it is more recent and was specifically written for my day and issues, and though I think insecurity is not merely a "modern" issue. For me it still persits, and I am not looking for another bandaid. Then I rembered this poem I wrote hidden sort of crouching in the back most seat on a school bus listening to Bad Animals album cassette on my walk man. Why do I still rember that, I do. I think listening to music affects the brain in a way that increases the ability to recall things. Here is it:

"Form it is so fickle, for whilst zaftiggity's chic, sledr'uns slept in streets. So what is beauty to the blind? When they seek, what do they find? Perhaps, it is an inward quest to seek the good and find the best."

I wrote that on a note card taking a break from writing a research paper for English. Ha ha ha, now I am thinking about Mrs. Edmonton and how she had us memorize the intro to Chaucer's Tales in Old English. I still remember that, too!

"Wan that Ap rill with his shoreah sotah, .. with swish vere chew engendered is the flewer..May tay ache... Swaytay brayth inspired hath every holt and hayth..."