Who, where, what... does it actually matter

I hateto be a cynic, but I am sometimes. Just today I was thinking about the big questions that are usually answered by religion, philosophy or science. Just as I was thinking about how much new DNA disvoveries shook me, I thought well, duh, if I believed the book of Mormon in the first place then I believed that the Lamanites and Nephites were brothers. They must have had their DNA altered at some point in order to believe that the Lamanites had been "marked", so what sort of peace of mind would I ever find in scoence anyway. I knew God lived and where I came from and why I was here even. It is almost too wonderful sometimes, and I feel so bad.

Fastforward to another thought.

I am very sad to know that I am not sealed to my children and although I have been sealed I might not be with any of my children after death, but I simply cannot think about that. It is pointless, they will be sealed to spouses and have children, and will not have extra thoughts for me anyhow. My time ishere and now to be everything for them.

I was saddened to think of my little sister's heartbreak, but really, I wondered what she believes anyway. And I thought, well, if that is the sort of guy he is, it is better to find out now anyhow. I have been unhappily married to a guy who speaks intimately evety chance he can to other girls and has never once told me that he appreciates anything about me, and when I was pregnant, I found tons of pornpgraphic crap on his pc, and since then he has admitted that it is an ever present issue, man, I sure wish I had known that and maybe been heart broken for a while instead of committed to a failed relationship because I love the children and want to be with them. Seriously, I would much rathar have a vandaid ripped off than causing a dull ache over a long period of time.... but really, so what? I mean what keeps me here? If I have no claim on the children after death anyway then what? I could live happily on my own and raise them, there would be no need to follow a dogma that did not explain things in a way I wanted.

Fact is, it all is true, and Things will al work out Nothing is impossible.

7th chapter.

Left over thoughts

Tomorrow is Gavin's birthday!!! He will be a teenager.

I was looking up the strange name on the credits of a show. The location something or other was Donovan Terranova. I thought, "hmmmm what a cool name, wonder if it is a pen name or some other self-imposed moniker, so I was looking him up, and sure enough, the name is somewhat legit, but my research was interrupted by the introduction of Jason O'Marra (sp?) which casused a mini freak out, I was JUST  looking up Terra Nova and lamenting that it no longer continued, so I would probably watch reruns, and I was looking up episodes on line, when I remembered that it was thursday and I had not yet seen the new episode of the 100. I watched it and kept marveling how maybe I wasn't that decrepit, Paige Turco and Henry Ian Cusak were still acting, and they had to be older than me!

I fell asleep and then did not use my phone for a long time (probably not as long as it seemed...relatively) because my former search was still on the phone, and how odd! Jason O'Marra had been married to Paige Turco. They got married about the time Gavin was created. So, it oddly led me back to consider my miracle child, who at that very moment was messaging me!! I like to record strange happenings like this, but had never gotten around to doing so.

Not me

First, Imagine the saddest a man can be, now extract that feeling and keep it so you may empathize with the manner in which I write this.

Not me.

Personally, I resolved such. I was aware of warnings against being tried  and more than likely failing, but I swept such warning aside because I am an exception. there really are such things, you know. Anyhow, I decided of all things I might ever do, I would never do this thing, that I do not even recall a struggle when the temptation beset me, it did not even feel like a temptation. I did not even feel remorse like I had been expecting if I disappointed myself. but, this is not even the thing that causes me so much sadness. I have no doubt whatsoever that I may be forgiven, if Adam could be forgiven for partaking a fruit which he said he would never eat, I can be forgiven for what seems to be a tiny refraction. My sorrow comes because of others who must be given a choice and who claimed those words.

Never. Not me.

I am sad because I do not even know what can be done to rescue one who does not need saving. I can understand how it can happen, even partially empathize. It is because I do understand that I am so sad. It is like Esau trading a mess of pottage for a birthright which hardly seems defendable at such a time. But, if Enos prayed day and night for his brethren and they all end up destroyed, what could I ever do? The fact that I am asking is an active step towards seeking what I can do.

Not me, maybe you.

I loved a video about a Robert Mason a family friend of Wilford Woodruff who never was able to taste the "fruit of the gospel" although he helped prepare the way. The story of Moses comes to mind to, how he led the children of Israel to the promised land, but was never, himself to enter it. I suppose Enos prayer may be similarly answered, though latter-day happenings. but,I still feel sad for the generations that passed away completely lost though the people may be one day restored.

I have been given a mantle and it saddens me. when Christ came the first time, triumphantly to Jerusalem, his friends asked if it was good that he be lauded that way, it might lead to death if he upset the "powers" that had control. Jesus explained that if the people were not allowed to shout and praise him then the rocks would, because it had been foretold as such. certain things must happen, I suppose the apostasy upsets me, too as does the Savior's departure from his beloved people, but these things NEEDED to happen, and we are not left comfortless, right? We were given the gift of the Holy Ghost as a companion, and are able to do temple work for any who lived during times of apostasy. Still, I merely acknowledge that I wish such things never needed restitution, and such mantle never needed to be filled.

Time to go make lunch...

Nothing is impossible, but that's what I do all of the time.

How rediculous

Ever have a moment of self-realization that causes you to see yourself in a less-favorable light? It is 3:24 and I was reading things on facebook because I wanted to fibd sonething stimulating to read. I started reading before midnight. I usually am waking up for the day about now, and frankly, I do not feel sleepy in the least.

I like to think I am awake solving the world's troubles, but My persuits were far less noble. I was looking to fall asleep, but I knew full-well that what I would read would prod me on to more in a sort of addictive cycle. I even say, to whom, I know not, that I am looking foe interesting things to read, but when I do they cause,me insomnia, which is the very thing I originally sought to end, right?

Oh! Bother.

Dummies

Interesting word, Dummies, it is one that cannot be literally translated, but applies to someone who is yet ignorant of many things, it is used as the term "lay man" or "greenie" or "noob" would be.

My thought this morning was about a combination my brain did that one might not necessarily group together as it is less obvious seeming, to me. I was thinking about those "for dummies" series of books and in particular how Tal Bachman expressed his genius, which he tends to hide, but it never goes away. Genius is as genius does or something like that... Anyhow I was hearing Moroni speak to the Lamanites much the way one would speak to a dummy. And that was when it dawned on me that the whole Book of Mormon was written as a how to book for dummies. Assuming you do not know anything about how to use the gospel, it does not assume you do, but presents everything undeniably and plainly, like how to be forgiven and be baptized and then take the sacrament. The particular part I was listening to was explaining things simply to the peoples who were out to kill him because he figured one day they might want to know.

Now, I am done, but wanted to touch on one subject that pricked my attention. Moroni teaches the way to judge, and I love it! it is soooo Plain: If it does good, then it is good, if it does bad then it is bad. Simple, huh? But, so often I hear "Judge not", so why would we need to know how to judge?

I can answer that plainly, too.

This life is about Keeping a freedom we have recieved. And that is why we call our ability to make choices "free agency". We are free to choose/judge (more instructions from the ultimate "..for dummies" book).

Where love is

"Where love is, there God is also..."

Because God can be everywhere at once, we as humans, assume for God to be present, He must be in our heart, but I still wonder as I always have. I even wrote a song a long time ago, "Does God never walk upon this earth that he created? Does he not, once in a while, walk upon the sea shore..." but, I also recall that to be in the prescence of God we must be transfigured, but we can have God a.k.a love in our hearts?

I wondered before if God ever peeks at twitter or has a facebook page. Well, "God is in his holy temples..." I always brlieved that literally. After all it was approved by the first presidency, so it is,true... hey, wait, Brigham Young's biggest fear was that we would start to rely on our leaders for truth too much, and believe a thing simply because they said it. I had a bishop give me cousel once, that I prayed about and did not get the same answer...it happens. As this situation unfolded, ends up he was released about a week or so later, and I think he Knew it all already, and subsequently has left the church. But, I still think a lot about how I believed whole-heartedly that if I went to the temple I would see God. There were not so many of them, and they were nearly the only place on earth He actually could dwell, well or mountains which seem synonymous with temples. I recall a testimony of Peggy Roach who also expressed a sinilar disappointment. But, this morning, I do not recall what lead me to think it, but I thought,"hmm, wonder if we would even recognize Jesus if he was with us." President Nelson gave a talk about how much love the apostles had for one another, it was nearly tangible...uh, what if it was tangible. Is a resurrected body so visibly different?

Terrible Twos

Supposedly, children exhibit irrational, unsettling behavior when they are two, this was not the case with my children, if I could remame it, that eould be selfish, expecting everything to bend to my experience. I merely want to note that for my children their streak of independence did not surface until they were three. We had terrible, terribly expensive, threes

I heard several comments about how something happens to a woman at 40 where she comprehends things more clearly ie, "if you want an honest opinion ask a 40 yr old woman." I was still quite selfish only noting that I should not be. My nature had not changed one whit.

But, just now, because it was so quiet, I decided to pour my heart out in prayer. My mind filled with billions of issues and concerns I need to deal with\resolve, but I pushed them out and instead focused of my wishes for someone else and to my surprise, I even hoped for their sake that they realize their great potential, which might have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me. I ended and an sutting here astonished at how not self-centered that was.I supposed that it was a late "blooming" of that whole 40 yr old honesty because, honestly, I will tell you, things are seriously not going how I expect them to around here, but I see that as good, which is a new development. And when I need to gain Heavenly aid, I do not even seek for myself, like a good wife who learns to accept that her needs will be cared for if she focuses on others, I trust whole-heartedly that my life is taking turns for the better, although I would not have thought so previously, and others will marvel at my peace amidst so much upheaval.