My Light (The Way)

This is a one-time inner musing that I am sharing out of hope that my dpark might light the way to grander flames, like a library of great thoughts that mean something.

I know one small fact, and upon that I have built an entire empire of truth. I know that there is a Creator and that Jesus Christ was born in this life and has a body just as we do wherever he is. I could deny many things, though reason/logic doesn't, but I could never deny God.

Now, if I am limited by reasoning that can be shared with the general public, It has been the foundation of every civilization, and explination for all that could not yet be comprehended that there is a god or origin of ability beyond our understanding. Now, it has been made known by many very intelligent, some well-meaning individuals that such Magic has been proven false of many accounts and science has given an explination, and because it proven somethings, it ought to be used to prove all things.

I could not ignore this much, and so I decided God uses the ways we have discovered to do things, but he is still the source although the evidence shows how it is done it does not show who.

In my house, there are things that happen that one could say a ghost dod because there is no evidence, but given what I do know, It is no mystery, even she cannot recall how she did sonethinfs that she did...

So, as I learn more and love more of God I need to find a way to continue. And when I fill my freetime with books, music or other entertainment with instruction. I feel very good about it. Many have claimed that I had been "brainwashed" and it is feasible when I see things like war where two factions who believe differently kill one another because of how they we raised to see things. But, even if I denied everything I had the great fortune of being taught I would still know and love God. And, with that relationship, I have learned to recognize his voice. Jesus, himself, taught about how all sheep learn to trust and recognize their Shepherd. This is true, anyone who knows and loves God, regardless of with whom they associate, will gravitate towards any place that teaches of Christ. I think that is why my lawyer knew I was Christian, but doubted that I was LDS. Such doubt is hopeful, it means the only reason it existed was due to ignorance.

I do believe that Joseph Smith was visited  by God and he set up a church that teaches and instruct a man the way to live if he wants to be reunited with a Heavenly father,  which it is sad to admit, but not all do.

So, this is what I believe, not any great wordy jumble of intellectual mumbo jumbo,  but that is undeniable that "we" originated in Heaven and are here, by choice. There are many stumbling blocks and false "truths". I will not deny that it is possible that I will falter, but there is a constant and a way.

Song time:

https://youtu.be/Omh5YhvJ2eQ

Thought to FILL the time

It is Christmas and i feel this feeling so powerfully, I almost equate it with another sense like sight. It feels alot like that feeling when you are going to pee. You feel like you NEED to get to a restroom, but, trust me. When trying to explain it, even kids get frustrated, "I need to go potty." Is sufficient. Well, I need to think, but I seriously do not know what. I almost think it is someone trying to communicate, but How? What should I do?

I am sotting here, hoping it will occur to me, maybe it is that whole, "on the tip of my tongue" and I will just spit it out, or perhaps I will build something out of mashed potatoes or something.

Oversimplfying the universe

"Some things are better left in a box." Claims Pandora in a recent interview. A close up video shot reveals a box labeled "Mysteries of the Universe"

The university campus is a place that feels like a step up from the old fashioned library because the books talk and we call them professors. I loved collwge, but recall often thinking, "It is something that I could do on my own." Until, I had a teacher who taught one thing but assigned a text to read, I had supposed it supported her lecture, but to the contrary, it conflicted to the point my education was causing confusion and I had to ask which was the way we were to learn. The answer upset me, she said that we would be graded on what she had taught and her lecture would be tested, but that seemed a silly thing when we were obviously not all present for her lecture.

It was then, I picked up on a trait never before noticed of teachers to make their subjects seem so valuable and mysterious that one needed them to explain it or make sense of it.

In Algebra class, I rarely paid attention because what was being taught was what I considered commin sense, then I ended up with poor grades because I had jot shown how I reached the answers. I actually had, but they way I rwached the answers was not the way taught!

I could go on and on giving examples of how mysteries were actually being created out of plain things to make an understanding of them necessary through that oarticular teacher.

Sort of unrelated, another teacher I had claimed to not be able to read my handwriting. He claimed it was probably because I had a different penmenship teacher. I noticed that my children are taught a different way to form their letters than the way I make mine...Now, I often type things if I feel they need to communicate something.

Ok, I am drifting off topic. Time to course correct.

Too often, things are explained and diseminated from a source that likely had no right or authority to explain that mystery and according to me, it is wrong. I see conflict coming from the understanding of a mystery and so, too often, things are better left as a mystery. I recently read a comment where someone claimed the Bible to loose all reliability or credibility because the very same passage (meant to unravel and explain a mystery )was interpretted to mean such different things that they ended up oppsing one another. I have a first hand experience with this.

There is a scripture that warns to be aware of false prophets. At a Bible Study group the teacher started "Mormon bashing" making a veiled comment about how it was fortunate that they did not have any prophets, unlike another church whom the Bible CLEARLY warns us about. Then at a Mormon church the same passage was quoted as a source for the acceptance of the things as set forth by the LDS church because if we had been warned to watch out for false prophets then there needed to be true prophets or why mention them at all. So, a simple truth which is a tad mysterious to us is explained to fit whichever agenda suits the situation.

My conclusion is that it is Good to aquire wisdom but, the source must be standardized in interpretqtion or else truth cannot be common...ah, side track to a book I read as a teen called, "A Separate Peace" by John Knowles. I honestly do not know where it came from or why I read it, maybe fancy. It is a mystery!

A temporary seperation

"... and if ye endure it well, ye shall be exalted... "

I just thought it might be a neat idea to explore that if togetherness can be sustained throughout eternity that goes two ways. But! I did learn that it only happens in mortality, not inspirit, although it continues after death, or can, if done by the proper authority. If it was designed that men and women were such even before birth, it stands to reason that they loved one another, being seperated by birth would be tough, but it is at least nice to know it us all but a moment, but what if a contract was entered and bound for eternity whwn one did not really know what they were doing?

Firm foundation

If the whole gospel is true, it cannot be completed without Temple ordinances. And temples need solid foundations or they cannot last.

I love it when a thing is said and fits perfectly but had no inkling even that it would be seen as such. What such stories tell is truth. It is a thing that happens between two objects and may not be explained in words, but can be applied through metaphor to other things without the truth even ever being spoken of. I suspect this is why Jesus taught in parables.

The Salt Lake temple was painstakingly built over 40 years and much, much sacrifice. At one point the foundatiom needed to be burried and when it was uncovered it was observed that there were tiny fractures in the foundation, a hard choice had to be made.

All of the sacrifice to lay that foundation had to be abandoned because the temple was going to be a edifice that represented God's place among us. It would simply not  stand for the necessary time, unless it was form, which means that it needed to be rebuilt.

Looking, not finding

I saw a video that I thought would perfectly explain a thing I wanted to teach, but I could not find it. In my search I found among related information a talk given years ago that clearly defined the purposes for being and defined the duties of a husband, and it only solidified my notion that has never been put into words yet, that in order to meet my obligations to God, of which I tearfully fall short, cannot be met unless I am able to focus on that instead of my own safety and needs. I long expected this, but it was, clearly not  my wishful imaginings. I have been promised things that without it is pointless to be given responsibilities that I want.

With those ideas another keeps coming to mind that I had never had before, but it is pretty much a given thing...remember this, self. Children are depending on you, plural.

Whoah

I just observed a few lectures that someone shared on youtube. How wonderful!!

I was studying the field of epigenetics, cause my inclination was to say it was to genetics as Astrology is to astronomy. It seemed like trying to scientifically explain the nurture part of becoming.

This part is BIG!!! It was explaining how egg and sperm are supposed to be genetically identical, but could not produce offspring. Wow!

And they addressed the problem I had with genetics  in that there just HAD to be more to it, I actually do not agree with some of what is grouped into that field, but it does in part explain issues I had with evoltion and the current scientific model of natural selection.

If I am correct then...

unfortunately, I always win at that game, or I have always won up to this point which doesn't actually mean that I can make solid evidential conclusions based on how "Likely" an out come is, etc. Still, it is like playing that "He loves me...He loves me not." game with daisies. So, I cannot conclude anything by predicting a thing given what I do know or rather hope in this case.

If you truly are as able and strong as I hope then my hope would be in vain because you are still around, which sort of means that having what you have has not proven enough. yeah, yeah, I can claim that without me the equation could never equal all the wonderful possibilities, but that is not where I was going anyhow.

back up.... ready? ok, My thought was about you. That is right. you had to know it happens from time to time, it is like thinking of putting on gloves when it is cold, imperative if I am going to be playing the piano and not as necessary if I do not need them, but am quite likely to leave them lying around somewhere.

Ok, so I established the subject of my thought is you. It continues in a wonder why you have not disappeared, if going "Off the grid" is freedom that we want. If you have not disappeared than you are still looking for me. This is not at all reasonable or anything, but it is a thought, and hopeful. cause if you are not reading this then you would have long found the peace that I hope for in vain.

Proving this positive of false grants me no satisfaction.

I asked myself several times today, what if questions that started "well, then.." in response. but, I never answered one I asked most frequently, "So, If you out witted wit by not falling in love then what is the grand prize you won?" love clearly is the prize in itself for those who claim it and cash in on it. But, what do I have?

One more thing...It yields great satisfaction to think about Beethoven dying and with a last breath using his final energy to shake a fist upward, like, "hah hah. I refused to do what was expected." but, why? If he had merely given up on being a composer, so what? ever heard of alternate universes? suppose there is on where all future events happened in accordance with him making another choice?

I am now thinking of a time that Jesus Christ rode in to Jerusalem and palm leaves we scattered before him and people cheered him, and his friends bade them to stop such a ludicrous thing. but he said, "Aww, let them, if they didn't the rocks would call out praises." what I got from that situation is that things necessarily had to be done a certain way, like determinism, which I just naturally am against, until I studied about a "soft" determinism that is most likely. I use this thinking to explain many situations where an all knowing God did not fit in to the situation otherwise. for instance, ewe have been taught that we have "Agency" and coveted it, knowing that to be like God we needed it, and to develop it, we needed opportunity to use it. Ok, but, reasonably, God could have had judgement right then and there already knowing what each would do. but soft determinism states that although things will be a certain way, the force doing the thing or making the choice does not know what they will do.

This leads to my most vulnerable questions. Everything hinges on the veracity of the Book of Mormon. It says that in Adam all fell, but Adam fell that man might be, and that there needed to be an opposition in all things.So, sort of Adam did not have a choice, and further all opposition is a significantly important part of any choice existing. Sometimes, I foolishly believe that it is all a sort of farce, sort of, to let us see what we would choose, thinking that we were actually making a choice. cue what happened to me... I was divorced, and I was soo confused as to why. I turned to scripture truths for help like I always do. it is part of my testimony that the book is true because no man could have coincidentally recorded such essential truths. Anyhow, Alma and Amulek were in a prison discussing how they could merely stand by as such terrible things were being done. All Christians were being gathered and burned to death. Alma wisely said that the wicked and the righteous had to be allowed to choose the works for which they would be judged! that changed my life and my perspective.

If allowed I will go on and on and on, but I need to get to bed. read this again, if you still want more. I'm going.

Intentions are not promises...right?

Such shakey ground, more like ice, even at it's solidest it is slippery. Especially when I start following this ttain of thought. It will most likely derail.

It made me think of Adam and Eve to realize what was literally happening to me. What I should have done was blocked by an earlier promise, but who says I keep all my promises. I never even realized that I had broken one already, lest it becomes an excuse.

I am soo ill, I ought not even think right now, "cause tommorrow might be good for something"

Just have one entertaining thought to ahare before I go. In a Shakespearean play the pregnant woman was rediculed and imprisoned for not being "lawfully wed" when she jumped over a broom with her intended.

Life is the perfect example

I was thinking how one of the hardest things to sort out is things should be used. And it occurred to me how I naturally want to use things is actually quite different from how they are typically used, and often I am even amazed that they have an other purpose. I equate that to how we live.

One of my favorite stories is about how after graduation it occurred to me that one could possibly miss a class, it had never even occurred to me that I had a choice to not obey. I was told that one should slways attend class, so that is what I did.

The internet comes to mind. My husband imposes all of these restrictions that to me ruin a childhood but it is a protective measure to him, to me it suggests that there is a thing to be protected from. And it assumes that there is a thing to be protected from. Further, that makes me think about how many dangers there maybe that I am unaware of...

Till we have faces rant

I was listening to the book "Till We Have Faces" by CS LEWIS which I had read in my youth, but I although I can see how impressions were formed,  I do not remember,even key points, like the frequent mention of faces and eyes or how it is actually a great argument warning about trusting philosophies of men.

Most specifically,  I want to comment on a scene that impressed me which never had at all before. And older sister was looking on from a distance trying to find a sister who had been prepared to look like everyone else, in heavy make up, mask and identical clothing. The observing sister was upset by the garb and makeup and she found it nearly impossible to pick out her younger sister (whom with she had been well aquainted since birth) and above that to ascertain her feelings as they had been "masked". The actual words were to the effect of not being able to discern her emotion which was usually plainly observed on her face, but because of the mask it was hard to tell what she was even looking at. I instantly drew a parallel to what I have always felt about make up, it might make us fit in with the multitude, but not appear like ourselves or as beautiful as we might otherwise be.

The youngest daughter was so beautiful that it was believed that "the god(des)" was made jealous and required her life. I thought how it seems foolishness to us, but, there is so much truth it, too. What makes us all desire to look beautiful? Why would one even believe that to be beautiful would be a thing of worth to anyone, let alone a goddess? But, we all consider it sensible to wear large amounts of makeup. We all want to cover up anything that might cause us to stand out or gain attention. Infact we call such things as frekles or moles, or even general blotchiness or acne an imperfection cause who we naturally might be is unacceptable. I used to think something was wrong with me because I preferred the "before" photos when viewing a make over of any type. I also thought it a shame to wear make up or fix my hair because I did not want to change what naturally happened. Ok. Although we believe it is obvious foolishness to believe in human sacrifice to a goddess of a mountain, we wear large ammounts of makeup or costumes that are both inconvenient and uncomfortable to satisfy...well, who are we satisfying anyway? It is like there is a morality of appearance or something.
I used to think that I could not be very "righteous" because I was not beautiful. Finally, I decided that I wanted to radiate because things filled with the glory of God were bright (like how Moses's face shown when he saw God). I decided that if God could bear to look at me, that would be beautiful. Is that any less sensible? *shrug*

What I learned about light work

I was thinking about how tired I get doing simple tasks, and I need a break. But, really they are sych simple tasks, but together, uninterrupted they seem much worse. I instantly recognized thus was the very thing I notice with exercises.

I like running because I notice a drammatic effect almost instantly with burning legs,  sweat or an increased pulse, done long enough I even feel exhaustion. But, what about the things I do that seem so mundane and simple like a sit up? I wonder is this even work? But, after about 50 of them I wonder if I wven could make it to 100.

I do make it to 100. It is alot like taking a step in my mind. It takes very many steps to get somewhere, but if you only worry about taking one step, many times; then, it will end up being a great distance.

I am thinking about jobs I do around the house though, not doing exercises. But, I was taught that to understand an angle that is unknown, we use what is known. Usually, we know a side length or another angle. So, as my dad taught, to understand greater complexity in an unknown we examine a greater complexity in a familar thing. It is the same way we understand complex ideas through parables.

Nothing I do in itself sems difficult, but together, everything requires a break. Thursday and Friday are called "fall break" though,  I somehow doubt I will actually get a break. Somehow, I simply must, though!

Where are they?

I often wonder where are the people my age, especially when I see someone my age and do not recognize them as such. This is something I have been considering since, well, before I was even 40 years old.

My theory is that the reason there are so few of people my age who are members of the church started as paranoia that perhaps they all knew something I did not, finally deciding that I would wait until I figured it out. But, as I learn more the more I end up believing things I cannot yet understand. I have noticed a huge difference between me an others although we conclude the same things as real they have this some sort of extra sense that everything is based on, and they call it the holy spirit, and it confuses and makes everything a mystery that only the chosen few can grasp and understand, thus their children (my peers) try for a thing they cannot possibly grasp yet. It is actually alot like God trying to teach us in his way of seeing things, huh? I heard a good lecture yesterday where a person explained teaching of Godly things by using the metaphor of a Kindergarten teacher. That clicked and I understood what happened to the people my age. I see it in the elementary school here, teachers teach to a level and expect children to work to get it, and if they don't they are simply not meant to grasp things, instead of observing how a child learns and using it to explain the things they must understand.

Utah children seem more advanced, but I bet they have more children considered "special" cause it is all about sink or swim, and coddling is considered not preparing them, and like Lucifer, it is so extremely close to the truth that it can be almost undestinguished from it. The truth is that overcoming obstacles makes us fit for greater things, like a bird breaking out of it's shell, or butterfly from his cocoon. We have all heard "what does not kill you makes you stronger." So, instead of teaching to a level that naturally a child is at, instead they teach to a given level, afterall that is the point of classes full of students. That is what I love about preschool, it prepares a child to understand at the level taught, but teaching at the child's level...but, I digress. I meant to address why so many left the faith they were raised with, if it was true.

My theory is that things as they were understood were not true, and when that was doscovered they were considerably more understanding and assumedthey were enlightened because they could see that what they had supposedly been taught was untrue. Even now, I am far far below the state of so many of the parents of my peers, because I have taken a different route.

I heard yesterday that of our facets of bring reasoning is by far the weakest. I first tried to reason everything out starying in a college philosophy class, I assigned myself the task of writting a paper to reason out the existance of God. I stood on the shoulders of Blaise Pascal, and felt good about it. But, I found loop holes in anything I reasoned, so I developed a cynical sense that tried to doubt anything could ever be known.

Finally, I realized that *I* could never know anything if I only reasoned it. That seemed like a long life for nothing so I started paying attention to more of ME than my thoughts, and I realized among my talents and abilities is to know things but, it was not going to be reasoning alone, but I had reason to believe I could come to a knowledge of things as they were although it might take years and years, then you add to it the notion I had already chosen to live by which was, "mortality is to be lived by faith."

Or is that just a thing to encourage thinkers, you can never know things, so just know that. I found this issue finally considered and written about in a book called the Book of Mormon. In the subtitled book of Ether I genuinely wanted to know what they had decided about this trouble. It is called feasting on words when you want to know/read them so badly the best way to explain the feeling is liken it to eating. The book said that we do not recieve any witness  (knowledge) until after a trial of our faith. Again, if true, this truth is so close to the thing I cried earlier was the cause of ignorance, meaning we need obstacles to overcome, to gain anything, this is understood by many as a law of sacrifice, it is afterall how we trade money or earn it by giving up a thing for another or supposed worth. In a trial of faith we experience a difficult thing in return for knowledge, but

Who's on the Lord's side?

As I was reading this morning again from the book I have come to love as it reaffirms things I hold dear, I read this thought provoking passage:

"The overwhelming burden on the shoulders of the American revoltionaries was not lost on the soldiers pinned down at Long Island. They knew what was at stake...'I cannot help hoping, even believing, that Providence has designed this continent for to be the asylum of liberty and true religion.'...'after the waters had receded from off the face of this land it became a choice land above all other lands, a chosen land of the Lord (Ether 13:2).

'But do we not find that both religion and liberty seem to be expiring and gasping for life in that other continent? --where, then, can they find a harbor or place of refuge but in this?'"

Another earlier quote comes from Thomas Paine's "Common Sense":

"A situation, similar to the present, hath not happened since the days of Noah until now."

I am so glad to have my attention focused on this, lest I forget what God can do to accomplish his work.

Instantly, I think of David and Goliath and how David was able to overcome what seemed impossible because he had Hod on his side. This seemed to work for waring nations, the victor proved to hold the hand of providence, but, does not every side believe they are on God's side or why bother surely it is God who wins, not might.

Now, cue an older film "The Mission" where European monarchs fear growing power of the missions and destroy them. The Jesuit preist protrayed by Jeremy Irons states, "If might is right then Love has no place in this world." right before he collapses to die...so what of Paul's teachings of Charity that were so profound? Surely, God was on this side, right?

Well, until this morning, such ideas had plagued me, until I realized winning a war does not mean fufilling God's will. Maybe it was a test to see if love was a thing to preach but not practice (the movie was not entirely fictional, btw). In this revolutionary war, I think God was likely found on both sides, like saying when it rains that the farmers prays must've been more righteous than the kids who wanted to play.

But, it was the purpose of God, undeniably, to have a land of Freedom and a topic of fascination to my son right now, independence. The Earth needed a place for a restoration of religion of Jesus Christ.

Think I just solved the creation/evoltuion thingy

Ok, I heard a thing that was one of those buttons that set off a chain reaction. It all started beause I heard this: "... is man found on the earth?" It is leading up to a descision to create man where God does so in Gen 1:26 - "¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness"

But, and I do not want to be thought that I was running crazy with my thoughts and just off on an unnecessary tangent, so I wondered where the idea to represent God as asking if Man could be found yet is recorded. Cause, frankly, I had never even thought much of it. I wanted to include such documentation here, but could not actually find it. Perhaps it is just someone's idea believed long enough to almost become a fact in itself.

I had had questions back in my teens about Dinosaurs, cause I wanted to be a paleontologist. I asked this scholar dude how to make sense of time frames given for dinosaurs. The commonly taught reckoning of time that places Jesus Christ at the middle makes the Earth not as old as the Dinosaur bones. The scholar easily explained it like this: because in the creation God used matter to form the Earth, and fossils, it is assumed, lived on "Earth" but, it is possible the dinosaurs never lived on earth, but that they had lived on some of the matter that was organized to form the Earth. That was easy enough. It proved to me that there is always a way to explain a problem away. It doesn't mean the explination is right. It just explains that things cannot be instantly rejected as right or wrong either

Now, regarding evolution... I wondered if man may have similarly already existed on the chunks used to form the earth, or maybe some runaway people decided to live on the Earth cause it was so ideal. But, my next explination made the most sense. We know that things evolve. It is foolish to say that an ape could not evolve into a man when so much DNA is shared, but why does it no longer happen or constantly happen? There ought to be new species evolving to form man, but I don't think there are any. Anyhow, God knew evolution was possible. It could have been used as s tool to create man, but he searched the earth and did not find any man on it. 

He created this paradise intended for mankind, so he created them (¶ And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness) Our Likeness? So, not only does the Bible talk about a CREATION  of man, but, a plural God (with a plural pronoun "our").

What I was really most excited about was another possibility that proved both evolution and creation. I had accepted the idea that evolution was merely a method of creation. I cannot explain away evolution. It surely DOES happen, and yet, man was searched for and not found on the earth and so needed to be created. Maybe, this idea is another evidence that man was created not evolved (without tossing the notion of evolution away).

Starving children

I often learn things in a representational way. It is called so many things, but the best way I can describe it is metaphorical. As a teacher, one is concerned a great deal with how people learn. It is often pointed out that hunger is a huge stumbling block to learning. It is believed that many children need to be taught so that a cycle or way of life below potential can only be escaped by reaching these little minds and inspiring them, but this cannot be done if their mind is preoccupied with hunger. It is sort of like a child needs to eat properly in order to learn the things that are needed to be able to live the sort of life they are destined to live.

This is true for me, too. I learned something, but right now I already forgot because I am dealing with a teary daughter who "needs" her favorite toy to be happy.

Now, everyone needs me. I will continue this later...

Ok, it is later, it has been weighing on me how I have ALWAYS been concerned with helping others, and it works well, when a family supports your efforts. I have almost always compared a marital foundation to a school where one learns charity and selflessness without fear. You place the other above what you want knowing that they will "have your back".

It is beautiful, really. But, when for some reason you are not cared for in return it is like the starving child in the classroom who appears to be a bad student because their need is not being met.

Recently, in a class, various learning styles were mentioned and instantly, I thought of the "love languages" book and the ordeals I am having with my youngest daughter. Without disclosing who, there is a child in class who seems to be a problem child, so I asked why they were always acting out, if they even knew. It was disclosed to me that this child finds sitting and listening to books boring. It starts out fun, but goes too long. Basically, it is an attention problem. In this case the child is not starving for food, but is plagued with another enemy to being able to learn and absorb the feast of information being presented.

There is an enemy within our family that is keeping us from progressing. I have not figured out this "elephant in the room" but, I have seen evidence of it enough to know that it is hindering me from everything I could be, like in the army... sorry I just think of that song, "be all that you can be...in the arrrrmy". But, perfect analogy, the army plays a surrogate family meeting individuals needs so that they can focus on things that matter.

As a child once myself, my everything was taken care of by loving parents. I think of a song "Teach me to Walk in the Light" there is soooo much to that. The way that faith can be developed and grow is by removing doubt and fear, and having a safe home when our needs are met. I suspect that is why my son is such a "home body" he knows that he will be cared for at home.

I could go on and on, but I merely wanted to explain the likeness and how I applied it to deduce a thing I know is hindering me,  although I cannot know what it is, I know what it isn't.

Who doesn't love the rest of the story?

There has been a noticable trend toward reality or "enlightenment". It is like everyone feels like there is a man behind the curtain who needs to be exposed.

When I was a kid, it was so popularly referred to as "the rest of the story" as revealed by Paul Harvey. It was a very common thing to expect that "the story"always had an extra plot twist or explination beyond what was commonly told. This shifted in the manner the apetite was fed. Next, everyone sought the true story though what was called reality TV. Next came social media,  or "fair and balanced news", but every manifestation has a similar root. The majority wanted to know the whole story as it really was.
I noticed a form of addiction or flocking uncontrollably to individuals who inspire trust, while the individual feels oppressed by the weight of such trust peroodically.
At a summer camp as a teen, we made t-shirts that said, "free to be me". I often felt embarrassed to wear such a declaration on my shirt. Although, it was fine for others to be themselves, no one HONESTLY wanted me to be who I really was. I thought so much aboit this as I watched popular entertainment like the movie "Moana" where the young heroine sets out to discover who she really is, opposed to who she is meant to be.

Majority rules, right?
Well, if so, then ought you be yourself if you are of a minority in your views?

It always ends with Santa

So, to keep in line, ha ha, with the eternal round thingy,  I will start with Santa, too. I asked my daughter if she believed that Santa Claus was a man who lived on the north pole and delivered presents to every child in the whole world on Christmas. She is a very thoughtful and intelligent girl, but, despite what might seem otherwise she fully and unequivocally believes it all. So, she also believes that I have super powers and am beautiful. I sure wish I could live life with her perspective! It made me again wonder how I could know anything, and what if anything other than things we choose to believe could ever be trusted.

I had been taught stories from the Bible and they had been a great help to me. I believed them fully as I had no reason to doubt them. And really, what a refirmation they were to what I want to know and if one does believe that a young inexperienced boy took on a goliath and won,it would be remarkable evidence of how mighty and strong God is. I loved the stories of Jesus in the new testiment, like the one where the public majority wanted to stone a woman to death, but Jesus stood up for her and said the profound heoric words of "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Later, someone claimed factually, that no such event ever took place or could have even possibly been witnessed to be recorded in a book hundreds of years later. But, to contradict that I also heard someone defend Bible stories as true whether or not they were factual. True? In a lesson I recently had on honesty, instantly a recollection of one Paul H. Dunn came to mind. He was a general authority of my church who was released from his duties because he told false stories. That is serious. It was not so much that the stories were false, but they were told as if they had been his own. In his defense, he claimed that same thing that it mattered not that the stories were true as it did that they taught hard to conceptualize things, like Jesus' parables. Isn't this the same thing as teaching our children about love for one another through the fairy tale of a little fat man with magical powers who visits good children with Gifts at Christmas. If I had ever resented being taught such things I would never have taught them to my children.

So what I am really trying to get at is that I love indpiring stories if they are factual or not, and although I may doubt the ability to know the truths of them, I accept that perhaps some things are only to be known through a choice to believe them.

Die Hard Lake Lover

I was thinking about things like the time I was afraid to disect a pig in biology class cause I could not cut the flesh at first, but after a bit I volunteered my services to others who had difficulty cutting the skull to see the brain.

A song comes to mind, ofcourse, "The first cut is the deepest.."  (or "the first step you take is the longest one...")

It is a truth that I have come across often in how goodness becomes evil. An obvious choice to do bad would never work. But, through constant little things, one eventually becomes ensnared. It is more so cumulative than doing sonething instantly recognized as horrendous. Gavin, my son, taught me that with his little piece of "lie yarn" one afternoon.

I got to thinking about terrible things that at first are practically impossible, but once accepted become easy. Like ruining a diet or walking on broken glass. Hence I mention the movie "Die Hard".

I also remember often swimming in lake Huron at Forester Park in port Sanilac. The rocks hurt your feet at first, until eventually all feeling was numbed by the fridgid water. How on earth did we ever swim in that water? It is alot like my daughter, Mary Anne who takes long baths in water I would not even like to touch cause it is offensively cold.

The secret is the same old addage applied here, dive in. Now, mind you it is a shock to the system, most notably the brain, but once done "the water is fine" and in this case the gradual process of aclimitizing only lengthens the period of shock. Easier to bear in smaller increments but when you have incentives to swim and a limited amount of time, just get over it and take the plunge.

I was thinking of this is true for everuthing that I know, it is likely true for the borders  that no one crosses out of fear or lack of incentive. I am directly refering to walking on glass or hot coals or anytjing that causes an unpleasant sensation. Maybe once you just do it you become numb to it so that it is fine. Like a taste or smell of something that your brain might not send you any messages about because you just ignored it.

C. S. Lewis made an interesting comment about pain being like a megaphone, so it makes sense that turning off such a loud warning like pain is unwise. I think of the girls in cross-country in high school who all took pain killers, but I refused because along with those constant pain warnings that come from running so fast over a long distance, they would be shutting off the ability to hear a twisted ankle screaming out to stop or something. I just always felt like we got messages for a reason and painkiller is probably not a good thing to mess with.

I am reminded again of swiming at Forester. My dad used to tell me to watch out for the Lamprey Eels. The visibility was terrible and the water so cold one would never feel them attach. So, he would recommend checking our legs for them before toweling off. I was terrified! He described them as little black snake things that had a circle mouth of teeth to attach to your leg.

Along those lines, I always had natural childbirth, no because I was a wonderwoman or anything to orove strength. Infact,  at one point I was nearly at a,bresking point and I asked the anesthesiologist again to describe how pain was removed. He explained that his super long needle was inserted into my spinal column and if I jerked or moved it could paralyze me. I preferred alot of immediate pain to risking a paralytic life.

The moral is: Be brave. Dive in.

Being mormon in Utah is NOT like being Baptist in the southern US

What the heck happened to this very long post none of which I remember?

"I do not want this moment to be lost in an endless sea of time."

Break time Aug 29th, 2017

Salvation is a personal thing and as such, instructing a child should not be about whipping them into submission. Obedience is so much more important.

I see child whom I admire so much for their appearance of goodness. They always do as they are tol, and they even serve missions as they are told is right. But, what really motivates them moght even seem to do and be good, but it is only a desire to please. Look at Ahab and Jazabel (sp?) Ahab seemed a good king, but, when his desire to please was shifted over to Jazabel, he still did what seemed best, but it was not.

I think about my own children, and I have not done well in teaching them how to be the best little monkeys, and at times others have expressed their concern. Now, it has been proven effective to force them to behave a way, sort of Machievelean to me, the result justifying the means. But, instead, it us oh so much harder to let go and allow them to exercise their agency and dependence. My daughter, for instance is not forced to clean her toom, but is encouraged to do so. It is sometimes impossible to watch her room fall into shambles. But, I know that she notices how nice it feels to be in a clean, and orderly room. She will eventually choose to clean her own room and feel the sense of pride that comes from maintaining it.

She will, like every child will, grow up and live without parents. I think of our Heavenly Father and how important it was to him that we learn to "obey" something we can only hope is good. He lost 1/3 of his children,  and he could have chosen a different route to happiness whereby all of his children would have been forced into perfection, but, like each of us, he realized that that would not be a true perfection.

The sucess rate stays about the same. Some people will be forced to be "good" and as a result achieve happiness and stick with it. However, many will not ever develop more than a fear as motivation or a thing that entirely disgusts me, compulsion.

How can I not mention Adam and Eve. Some say that she was soo wicked for causing Adam to sin, but I had a teacher who respected Eve and her choice so much it was close to hero worship. Really, Eve saw what had to be done and even mentioned to Adam that eventually it would be impossible to keep all of God's commandments and it was harder to be aware of things (Ignorance is bliss), but it would be worth it.

I believe firmly that the same is true with rearing a child. Eventually, either way, they will break your heart. So, why not let it be suffered in a way that is preparing them for an eternal life without someone holding a whip over them.

Years ago, in a class, someone told a story about how obedience is like walking a dog. The obedient dog can be given more freedom, whereas another dog would have his leash shortened. I think punishing a child into submission is like leading them on a leash. Mary Anne, my youngest daughter always tells me whenever a doll or pretend animal is so good they no longer even need a leash. It makes me happy.

Ok break over. Back to work...

Time

Though this is not at all thought through yet, if you can add to this budding thought please do!

I am prone to deny the way we define time, and so I thought, well, how do you propose to define it then? I always conclude it marks change, so if someone were to go into space of some place where they reckon change without the revolutions of the Earth/Sun and then notice changes within themselves they would still be in sync regardless of the means of marking the passage of time, right?

Helpful realization

2 things are on my mind right now. I will just go ahead and say the first so that I can think of it later. It is a fact that mankind cannot consider two things at once, although they switch so fast it may appear that way, like bugs walking on water. 1. I was thinking about how much packaging for gummies reminds me of a guy trying to karate chop cement. It is weak in one direction so if you are attempting incorrectly it will seem impossible, but if the weak spot is found even a baby could do it, literally. Lots of things are that way, like egg shells. If you try to squeeze one in your hand you would believe it is impossible to get it's contents out; however, we all know they are fragile. I bet that is the premise to most "magic". 2) It is like i'm trying to say that God is wrong when I think that I fail to accomplish what I should because I lack support.

Likely, that is the point. It was like Beethoven achieving greatness despite his physical inadequacies. Everything that ought to be easy is soo difficult, maybe they are like open book tests, you know, hard, but possible with the resources.

Money speaks?

My realization right now was how when I feel conflicted, like two external voices are trying to lead me, like we see in cartoons of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, I go to the temple where I believe the other voice will be silenced. It just occurred to me that this is why our religious leadership are not paid, because political view points become law through lobbying or other expressions of power that all have a common denominator of money.

Leverage is spoken of, meaning power os exercised over another by promises. In even the best intentioned government, the voice is the one with the bucks, afterall, money speaks. I think that is where the idea of caring for the minority or those who seem to not be able to speak because of poverty or something.

It is a common knowledge that money does not play a role in the maintainance of church leadership, and though I have kniwn this, I had not realized it as any significant thing until I compared it to what causes any body to act.

Pretty cool

It is as if there never was an atonement for those who do not believe it. It struck me how very thoughtful that is. I figure if I gave everything, including my very life, for someone I would want them to know about it, and that explains missionary work, but if people do not believe, it is fine, and to me that is so incredibly kind!!! It is like that saying that no matter what you believe you are right.

How tatting is like genealogy

To start this short tirade I was inspired to begin tatting again because of the alter cover in the temple. I wanted to make lace like that. Alright, so far my attempts have been meager and only showing a tiny bit of potential, but I just kept doing it over and over, hoping it would train my muscles, or maybe that with practice would come perfection. I noticed a few things to do to improve, but my biggest improvement, though it seems obvious, it is the same thing my desire to do many many indexed records for others. I learned that to do more I needed to stop. This happens when tatting, too. It seems counter productive to achieve more, do less, but in taking a break now and again I am able to meet my challenge rested with fresh zeal that tiredness does effect.

In genealogy I make more errors due to monotony when I was hoping familiarity would help me sped up. When making a doily, let's's say not doing as much as I would like at a time, stop, not for ever, but for a rest.

Same things, different meanings

This thought was started with a memory of a thing my parents did. I always thought they did not have any friends because they did not socialize much. Now, I think it may have been becauase of our great isolation and lack of common minds to spend time with. It was really nest to spend time with eachother anyway, it molded us into a solid family unit, sort of the way moving does (you learn who will really be there after all, it is easier to make your family your best friends) I have to interject a thing a teacher of the kids told me last valentine's day. She said, "I know who Joseph's valentine is, and she is one lucky girl." Then looking at Mary she said, " It is you, Mary. He told me that he loves you the most of any girl he knows!"

Ok, now on to my memory. I was remembering that there was a person they knew who was in a hospital... the hospital was not nearby, perse, but they claimed it was on their way to stop by and visit, and that is what they did.

Then, I moved out here to Utah, and I often thought how odd the culture was in contrast, the biggest thing I noticed was how service oriented everyone was.

As kids, we worked alot, but it was for us, not for others. What that was an attempt to say is that I learned the value of working, but I noticed that others worked as hard but it was for someone else. I reasoned that was actually the same thing, family was merely defined a bit differently, an entire community was a sort of family unit, so the work was actually the same. Next, my daughter gave a talk on the Good Samaritan and a point the story makes is that we do not just care for our own, but for all fellow beings. And literally, everyone alive is our eternal family, so to speak. (In Sociology our teacher talked about distinguishing cultures by concentric rings of us and them and some being ethno and some being external and some will not marry cousins, and some will not eat chicken embryos).

It all harkens back to the same idea that it is not a thing itself but how it is seen. I heard a very great soliloquy on good and bad given by a priest on "House of Cards" where he said that even the Ten Commandments can be manipulated by interpretation. Eatting people is seen as wrong, right? Exactly, sometimes we kill people who oppose us in a thing called war, but really, if you were starving you still would not eat them.

Yeah, I am so glad for all of the things my parents were, they made me realize what is good and that I do not need to ever accept an almost. And we do not need to call everyone our friend to be kind to them. It all boils down to complete irrelevance as  to what we call a thing, but more about what we do.

Order of things

I cannot track down the mental origin of this thought, but is has been aided by several things that stuck to the snowball as it rolled down the hill.

In a Sunday school class a teacher mentioned how each lesson builds perfectly on the last, which reminded me of a thing that was said by one of the actors on the LOST dvds about how people love a good serial. I know I do although I might fid it hard to sit through hours of a movie, when broken up into small bits, It is enjoyable instead of overwhelming. It is part of building a good following, although it might feel exclusive. I could allude to Kate and Jack, in a very funny joke, but unless you had seen LOST you might not get it. I commented how the man in black, the bad guy, Lucifer in Supernatural, too. Was the uncle in the Tommorrow People and no one knew what the heck I was talking about. And several shows I stopped watching and tried to watch but felt like I missed too,much to continue. I still have not watched all of Downton Abbey, but I digress...

When you want to clean a room that seems irrevocably dirty, the monumental task can be accomplished by taking small steps. Over and over, I have heard it said that achieving greatness is by constant small goals towards that end. Reminds me of the Tortoise and the Hare, huge sporadic but dramatic and neworthy events do not win the race to becoming successful. Another side track is failing a thousand times means you KNOW what will not work, so keep trying with all that extra kniwledge!

So, I was thinking about how I have studied the restoration of the Gospel as a thing that could only have happened because other events sort of paved the way. This is directly related to the success of humanity, and how certain things are "outgrown" and dismissed as unimportant or even childish. But, my thought is that part of humankind evolution, not evolving from apes, but minutely perfecting what was...we all owe a debt of gratitude to Judaism for monotheism among other things, and I recently heard how Christianity had so completely entwined itself with our culture (thereby success, right) that it drastically effects our search for truth or way of thinking at all. So, scientific thought only came about because of Christianity. And that is worth thinking.

One thing builds on another and often the thing that gives birth to another thing ends up being an enemy. One day in the back of my dad's truck I was eavesdropping on a conversation a woman was talking about how so often when we really really hate someone, more than is usual,  it is because they are too much like us. That was just a tid bit I tucked away till later. It's later. I think the reason the government seems to oppose religion so much is that they are too similar, at least one exists because of the other and as much as one wishes it was not so, they cannot. One thing builds on the other, and we believe the most current to always be the most successful... time to make dinner already, geesh.

Games and the Gospel

Eeek, I just wrote a long winded bit that I copied Then deleted, now, it is gone... I compared using boosts in games to trying to intellectually learn truths like that Jesus of Nazareth was the Savior.

I could not possibly score higher in my games, my score sort of leveled out, and although, it was high, it was not hogh enough to win, and games are usually fun because the chance of winning is hard to achieve. In this case it was impossible...

This stage

The world is a stage... well, accorning to Nickelback, it really depends on what stage you are standing on.

Every first Sunday that rolls around I think of what my father used to say about how people liked to use a public forum to say the things that ought to be said in private,  like people declaring their love for family, country, God, etc. Mostly, their spouses it was like they were trying to make up for all they failed to say by publically professing something so that witnesses would solidify it as true. Why do I mention this?  I intend to explain...

If mortality is a stage to speak, it is a "public forum" and just because a thing isn't professed to this world does not mean it is not true. I knew that my parents loved eachother, and they believed whole heartedly in the gospel as taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But, they did not need to have it publically declared.

There are things I have never spoken of, and probably never will and have never felt the need, but I believe them fully, I just do not want to, um. Sort of involve mortality with it at all, and fortunately, if you do not say things, people cannot read your mind.

THIS

“Ours then seems to be the toughest test of all, for the evils are more subtle, more clever. It all seems less menacing and it is harder to detect. While every test of righteousness represents a struggle, this particular test seems like no test at all, no struggle and so could be the most deceiving of all tests.
“Do you know what peace and prosperity can do to a people—It can put them to sleep.

and the devil is trying to put them to sleep. The adversary knows that he probably won’t be too successful in getting them to commit many great and malignant sins of commission. So he puts them into a deep sleep, like Gulliver, while he strands them with little sins of omission. And what good is a sleepy, neutralized, lukewarm giant as a leader?"

How an actress reminds me of repentance

It was the wording she used that triggered my mental association, so I think the comparison was intended to explain things better. She was overweight and needed to do something about it. She had surgery so that she could persue the career that she wanted, and was able to do so claiming the surgery was a savior. It makes me glad that no one cares about what I look like, a thing I was upset that no one seemed to notice.

I am grouping her transformation into obesity with an anecdote about a tiny sapling, who was easy to manipulate but virtually ignored until it grew into a formidable twisted foe. Many things are like this, manageable at one point, but if allowed can grow beyond oir singular ability to mend, and in some cases an option to return is singular and there is only one way or hope. Our eternal lives depend on such a surgery or savior.

But, of all things, I heard, I liked best how she explained that although it made loosing weight possible, it would still require effort on her part. This is true with Jesus Christ as well. Down south I often heard about the grace of Christ being able to wash away sins, and then the soul was blameless. I often thought, but if the person that did those things is not changed as well, regardless if things were no more they would be again. This is true with physical bodies, too.

I think alot about a woman I saw videos of years ago who had become hugely obese and although she lost soooo much weight she still had inches of sagged skin on her body, and required a surgery to correct it. At the time I thought, yeah, it will be more pleasing to look upon for a time, but that skin was needed to be elastic enough to accomodate changes in physique. What if she gained that weight again? But, in her case, she had changed her being into one who would not allow that to happen again.

Anyhow, more that just the offended need the apology...the end.

Surivial as punishment

It is not an unheard of to the point of seeming odd to allow the guilty to live as a punishment greater than death.

I combine this with what Hamlet said about life causing so much pain because we avoid a believed greater pain and it is an unknown thing... well, maybe I have seen too many movies, but it seems a greater punishment for someone to punish themselves than to just gain whatever justice they might gain through death... ofcourse, this justice presupposes a diety imposing justice, or is justice (the equal sign) a thing that naturally happens...

Forgetfulness

I suppose forgetting is part of living. Parents need to forget things about their teen years or else they might be sympathetic or cave in and loose all respect and legitimacy.

The Holy Grail

In the Indiana Jones movie, the hero chooses the grail by saying it would not be so beautiful or even finely crafted. I was thinking about bodies as being like that. Ok, admittedly I am trying to find a way to explain why it would be desirable to not be as lovely. And I thought, "well, if something was truly desirable everyone would clammor for it, right? So, it would be better to be hidden."

As a teenager, I used to always tell myself there was a great reason that I appeared so humdrum. It is better to not even be noticable, and so I am neither beautiful nor hideous. Cause, my first inclination was that if I was a good person that would reflect in my being, regardless to how I was percieved I would simply radiate an undeniable beauty, but my exact thought was "you are not beautiful at all, everyone agrees. Likely, it us because you have sinned somehow. Only perfection is beautiful." Then I heard a hymn that basically said that Jesus Christ who was perfection personified had not beauty that mankind would desire, and my mind clinged to that. (From LDS Hymn "Reverently and Meekly Now")

It seems like a slap in the face

I was considering that perhaps God and Hell was all created as are the admonitions and direction guven regarding such were all made up to keep man in some bounderies to produced a sort of utiliarian utopia, where everyone seeks the best for his neighbors. But, why? It seems that man could adapt to an equally strange paradigm  as we often do whenever a new president is elected who suggests a new focus or premise to achieve our country's goals.

But, entertaining such a thought requires acknowledging a different reality than the one I have grown accustomed to, and with it the origin of any ummm paradigm with a creator, and an such creator other than the one who prefers to be called our father, is a slap in the face, if He does exist.

So, I reaffirm my choice to believe what has been thoughtfully mapped out for my benefit, and I recognize that any other belief that could even be possible has not been explained fully through what I already know and have in Mormonism. Any other idealogy that might exist would need someone to discover it and that would make me wonder why for as long as history seems to reach there has been a creation and a Hell and if there is none, why would such an idea have been made up in the first place?

Parents want their children to succeed this us a truth I can accept fully. For pretty much ever parents have taught their children how to live to achieve happiness and rejecting that is rejecting the truth and leaves you with nothing. Any attempt to explain what is becomes a slap in the face.

Merging theory

I think everyone chooses the glasses through which they will see the world. It is not that what is is ever different or that a brain is different, but the means of "testing the water" is different. I thought of this because I was considering the people I actually chose to obsess over. And how I see everything in terms of that person, for good or bad...

Next, I thought about how we cannot remember anything from a preexistence to the point that we might question how we know it ever was. Next, I chose to, and it is a thing we all chose, the vessel by which we would sink or sail through life. It just has to have significance. We all want to believe, especially whenever we fail, that it is just a process of becoming and we assume that we must have been much greater. I do that when I rember myself prehospitalization. Because, I cannot do a thing I only pit my memory against what is and I normally remember myself the victor. I, for example, remember myself as incredibly beautiful, strong, able to do almost anything, but truthfully, that I fail has not ever changed. Likewise, I probably was a failure in choosing a body, and that is playing itself out although I deny it with some great theory to explain away anything unpleasant.

My theory is that our perspective at the time we chose our bodies was such that we knew what we would need, and probably we saw mortality as such a tiny, almost insignificant amount of time that even if our choice might not make us happy at that point, it was only temporary. And others would share our thoughts, and yet others would want to chose a body that would be admired when they lived on the earth.

Mormons also believe that the same body we have in mortality we will have forever and that we wanted one because, get this, someone else had one, mom. We wanted to have a body, too. Excuse me, I am likening bodies to fidget spinners and laughing.

Um, was my theory even explained well enough to consider it later? I hope so.

What is it?

cause and effect, is the first thing to come to mind when I try to list the smilarities of logic and intuition, because I was explaining to my kids that they ought to seek wisdom and not just being smart. I tried to explain the difference between the two, It was not difficult because I uderstood clearly the difference myself. I thought of how great my dissapointmets were because lack of a thing I called integrity but now think it is love, which elluded me because I never undestood what love was anyway, I just used it to blanket the things I could not understand, a thing I often thought to myself was "God is Love". i could not quite understand what I was really talking about and how it was revealed to anyone or even why it mattered and every train of thought ended in sex which I understood exactly to not be love, but an appendage of it, like coughing is to having a cold.

I have mentioned it may times, but the best explination of how sex was related to love was explained in the TV series "Bones" when Seely Booth explain it as when two are so completely in love that they want so badly to occupy the same person. sex is an attempt.

My mother wrote an email to me long ago where she explained that love is sort off the basis for our entire existance, very deep. That is my mom for ya. She taught so much by example, she has more integrity than most living souls. She also taught that there is both a literal and symbolic meaning to all things. My best friend and I used to joke that there was not anything worth saying unless it could be intended in more than one way. ha ha it seems like we were saying things ought to be easily misunderstood as well as understood or why bother.

so why love seems both unecessary and all encompassing is to pick apart the dual nature of man`s existance Love is both logical and intuitive, and to only explain it one was i to not be wrongand still not right. I will explain that one with a proverb or stoy about 3 blind men who were going to document what an elephant honestly was to those who wanted to know. the first felt his foot and leg and described what he knew by experience, the second found an ear and described what an elephant seemed to be from his experience. then, the last grabbed ahold of the trunk and had aa completely different impression of what a snake-like creature this elephant thing was. This is how it is nearly impossible to understand what love is although every one is right, they seem incompatible like, ok, which one is right?

The son of man has come to save that which is lost.

Samaria?

So, Samaria, according to wikipedia was a watch mountain purchased by king Omri. Further:

although some scholars speculate that Omri was from the tribe of Issachar, this is not yet confirmed by any scientific or historical evidence.

However; I found this in Isaiah and had another confusion before I tried to settle it with Google. I recall being repirmanded for seeking answers by asking Google instead of God when I claim to believe that God can and will answer all questions.

And the head of Ephraim is Samaria, and the head of Samaria is Remaliah’s son.

To me, this was not a translation error, proper names is proper names and it otherwise was not doctrinal and so would not be misunderstood as literal instead of figurative. But, Lehi lived in Jerusalem and he is of Ephraim, I thought, and all my life I had supposed that Samarians were descendants of Ismael... my thoughts were I believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. I also believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. So, I ought to trust the words from the Book of Mormon foremost until I understand the big confusing mess that I am getting myself into. I do get that Judah and Ephraim fought alot, most siblings do even the Book of Mormon shows that. I just thought Judah's fued with Samaria was an Ismael vs. Isaac thing. Not Judah and Ephraim, but it could be. Guess God knows, and if I want to I need to pray.

Poem to accompany my last post

I am unsure if thus will work, but I tried to past an image here.

One reason we reject things

I was watching a documentary presenting opposing viewpoints and originally, I thought the reason I am even tempted to believe alternate truths is because they are reasonable, but, as I listened to both side presented, it was harder to accept the things I already know are true because of the form of rhetoric.  Although, I can explain this.

When you know things ways that are refferred to as by your heart, like falling in love, no matter how reasonable or unreasonable an argument is the heart has decided and is unchangeable. Any attempt to persuade one who cites "love" will never work, in fact it is said that love is blind. That bears alot of thought.

I had read a very interesting blog post (before it was called such, I think) about someone resisting a  little change of representational colors for a season. It was,explained in terms of brain elasticity that can be changed at an earlier point, more easily, but as one ages simple traditions become less easy to alter. The post was misread  (I mention because it was so funny) because of a title. The title was something about a Blue Christmas, which instantly brought to mind the Elvis song and subsequently the associations with such a nueral pathway.  I was curious to know what was wanting someone to be sad at such a happy holliday. It was about changing from a traditional color scheme of green and red to blue ( which seemed to be a trend ).  At that time, ironically, my mind was suceptible to or elastic enough to consider things, but I did not even consider the greater truth being explored here that fighting a conventional tradition or belief is a difficult thing to do,  and one reason why is because of biology. I recall my parents complaining about how just when they got familiar with things they were changed, their frustration was real, but I thought it humourous at the time.

Ok, ok reigning in my original point, I did have one...an example I have is a time I was discussing things or a very personal nature with a teacher as we were drivingbto a theater convention in southern mississippi. She got upset with me and asked if I could please refrain from crying about things or getting so emotional about it.  That is what I just experienced, and I have read it before. It feels entirely different than how it is percieved. The culprit is a serious desire to share or help others, but because of tone nothing said is shared because of it's offensive or self righteous nature.

There was a girl in college, who disliked me alot, and labled me as something she wanted to avoid, not because of anytjing I said or did, but because of assumptions about "people like me".

I heard in conference again, someone speak about how undeniable it iscwhen we are "touched" by the "spirit". It changes us in a way and makes our spiritual elasticity firm up and molds us into that idea so it is truth. Two things come to mind.

1) the scripture about raising a child up a way and he will not depart from it

and

2) I already forgot 2.

But, it has often been said that we should not argue our point, and really when people get so vehement about a thing nothing is known, but that they are very zealous. I recall someone once usinging the whole, "I believe in God therefore... if you don't you are a misunderstanding heathen" I did not read another word and formed a conclusion that that person must be a zealot. Likewise, when I told my lawyer that I was moving to Utah, he said, "I would not do that if I were you." I was confused and do I asked why. He explained that the whole state was fully of pushy Mormons. Really, this is the same labling as I got by association in college, because some, the extremely verbal minority are what are known it is believed that all Mormons are that way, like it is a part of their dogma or something. But, then all of the realitt and beauty, even extending to the wonderful things they do are swallowed up and pretty much ignored.

In the presentation of both theories of the origin of the Earth, I hope they end up siding with my view point, like I recently heard someone say that it is fun to watch science come to "know" things we already believed. Ok, quick sidetrack... my favorite story of this is how when the temple in Salt Lake City was built a huge shaft was built prior to elevators even being invented, and eventually they were invented and designed, but God communicated to the leaders of hos church what would be, this is what a prophet does and it can be very frustrating, I imagine, to know things that no one knows yet. I will end with a thing Joseph Smith said, "I knew and I knew that God knew it."

That is a bit like falling in love, we get very emotional and unable to see anything else.

Insomnia

I wanted to sleep tonight, but it looks like that will not be happening. I am too frustrated to calm my mind enough that I might sleep. And whenever it feels like maybe I will, a child sneaks under my covers and starts telling me all sorts of things that I could not and will not miss.

I found what I wanted to make for Joseph and Mary Anne for their classes for Christmas, I need to think some more about what sort of vehicle I am going to get, I need one, it is an imperative, especially since I will be working at the school each day. But, I will absolutely need a car for when it snows. My plan was to get one with tax money and drive to Mississippi to spend the summer with my older children, and help them a bit, and bring Joe and Mary cause they miss them and I could get a job to save up money for Christmas presents, cause mom could watch the kids, but I got a job, so I will not need to get a summer job. Now, I need to figure out how to get to Mississippi. Whever I give up on that I think of the story of Nephi and how he just kept trying and trying until he did what he needed to. I obviously, do not have enough faith. Shayna Clark told me not to give up on it, I COULD still go. And then what immediately my thoughts jump to is a thing Pres. Marsden said last night, "Stop thinking it is always about you and your way or no way." So, the car is probably out, but there is more than one way to get to Mississippi, and Nick doesn't want me to take the other kids anyway... ideas forming, minutes passing...

Dreams - undetected problems

Ok, so I have previously mentioned coming to the conclusion that my spiritual or intuitive side is much stronger than my mental or logocal side, this became more obvious to me as I watched a video about controling or methods to minimize temper tantrums in small children.

My children are older and I survived that stage, I was stil interested, and considered if a thing was true then it was worth kniwing, plus, I am almist certain the tantrums do not cease it is the law of conservation of tantrums, they are merely less obvious and are transformed, sort of how we still worship idols, huh? Alright, I jumped back on that train of thought as it passed, it was all figurative, as dreams usually are.

"Is it you?"

"What did you mean when you asked 'Is it you?'"? She explains that her manager told her that one day a man would come into her life and..."well, is that a man you shoild be afraid of?"

That was on my mind from "Somewhere in Time"I will proceed to sort it out as it will make sense in terms of percieved problems.

A childrens book was not about issues that we struggle against, but was about Dragons. Do you see the metaphor? In this story the "dragon" is ignored because it does not exist, right? The dragon grows and grows causing all sorts of problems  (reminds me of the short story I wrote about a dinosaur egg that was recovered and it hatched titled "Last Year". It was about a dinosaur but was actually about resolutions getting out of hand. I was only 12 years old).  I love how this man's mind works, in talking, he mentioned dreams and how they are a means of communication between what we call our sub concious (the part of us that does the thinking when we don't think) and concious mind. Often the dreams present a "dragon" or obstable that it sees but has not seen a solution yet and is sort of asking for a colaboration. Until I heard that, I had chalked up my one dream as most peculiar, though I did not think of it much because it simply made no sense. We should not read much into dreams, right?

In my dream, it was confusing because I thought I wanted a thing, but in a fictional, anything goes and no one really knows anyway, place I did not do the thing. It reminds me of that movie when Christopher Reeves asks if he should be feared. This was my subconcious pointing out a potential problem and wanting a solution, but my concious mind. First off denies any such problem as way too farfetched and impossible anyhow, and the very moment I allowed such a possibility (not likely, mind you) I thought so what? There is nothing scary about this? Until last night when I watched the video I realized "Oh, duh. Yeah, that would be a problem. I ought to figure that one out." My thoughts are like a little child and they are very slow to realize and figure things out. My subconcious figure this this would be problematic years ago when it was still small and manageable. Ofcourse, I think of the movie "Inception" I just have not applied it yet.

My thoughts have moved on to a new topic entirely, I better just wrap this up..

Unsolved for your good

We are all natural problem solvers. It shines through as we deal with the demands of parenthood, but I had picked up from various sources that it is a sort of Spiritual DNA. Which pleases,me alot because I really really really love to solve problems. So much so that I have been accused of making problems in order to solve them. Every career choice I ever made was one that creates order out of disorder or basically, solves problems. Many people know me as the computer lady. One friend teases me that I tried to repair my pc with chopsticks, so it appeared.

It is true that everyone is fascinated by things we cannot know. Unsolved mysteries is another name for them. I thought I had a love of thought, hence philosophy but, as I searched to know why, thinking all the while it was empathy to understand those who would not be understood. Cause, I have said that I know things to be true that are akin to people claiming to be abducted by aliens,  or being haunted, basically unsolvable.

So, I thought, hmm... what if I did solve it? Then if it could be solved I would want to share it cause it is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to know or do.  If I actually love to solve problems it would make the absolte happiness in nearly understanding but in only hoping and nothing more. It is much like unrequoted love.

My latest big discovery was that if you know something you will be better off in eternity, whereas those who die unknowing will remain so after death, contrary to what has been suggested by so many others that somethings will only be known by death. So, maybe one can know, but should not share it with others so that they may have an opportunity to live by faith, which is very rewarding, sort of like falling in love impossibly.

It may be

May it be sounded better, but Enya already used that, and this is not aural anyway.

I am on a search to know what matters the most, and it really looks like obtaining salvation matters most. Accordingly, I was suprised that Enos' story had been so plainly written and ot has not become a blueprint. I mean, really? Is it not a story of how to achieve the thing that matters most?

We earn lots of money so that we can afford to go to school for years so that we can make more money to raise children who will do the same thing and we learn valuable lessons along the way, and then die. Many poets claim it is the journey not the cycle that matters most, after all it ends in death, or is that the end? All of our education taught us it was the end, and beyond death is only hope, and it is foolish to not ulitize what we have, um but look how we utilize the time we have.

If salvation matters most it only took Enos a few days opposed to a lifetime. As I considered it, if it does matter most, a sure thing has been written on how to achieve it, and yet, we do not hear of people taking a salvation sabatical but, instead we even encourage indebtedness to go to college for years to become  "educated". I do not mean to sound like Martin Luther, but if Salvation matters most, and Christians are not hypocrites, a huge reform needs to be made.

Recently, I have been greatly influenced by the suggestion that reform must start with each individual.

Mormonism teaches that young men and women ought to go serve the Lord for a couple of years, it seems like a law,of Moses thing, a great and wonderful thing, but merely a type and shadow of the thing it represents. Putting God first and believing all need his love and influence is a powerful thing, at such a crucial age, it is a great way to change oneself and become the sort of person who collectively would make the world a better place, but unfortunately, so many return, like those who knew and crucified Christ after keeping the law of Moses for thier entire lives but never grasping why.

I have heard many speculate about how it is even possible the disciples of Christ(his inner circle) did not understand his mission and recognize him when he did exactly what he said he would. It is looking at the mark, even focusing on it, but being blind to what really is. I wonder if most of us go through motions, but fail to recognize.

I require more time to let my feeling settle into thoughts, but at this point I only hope that Salvation matters most. How awesome it would be, though hard, I conceed.

Really?

I started with the word alone again trying to figure out why it was so horrible to be alone. It was why God was not completed with just Adam, because it was not good for a man to be alone and then Adam would not sin, but when his wife explained that he would be alone then he did. That was it, I had to know more about why it mattered so much, but when I looked it up I ended up reading about how it is not the laws that are going to "save"us, they are merely training wheels so to speak. Entirely unexpected, but worth revisiting mentally.

The trap of the gap

I started for a moment to let thoughts take the lead cause I pretty much have given entirely to spirituality, cause I am spiritually wiser than I am mentally, it makes sense, like when I lost the ability to use muscles, no big deal, just use the ones that have worked all along, they will just have double duty. Well, that is a problem because one side that is already strong gets stronger. It is like letting kids do things when you really can do much better. That is not the point. So, even if my mind merely takes much longer to figure out what I already know by filling in the gaps with beliefs.

My thought is that so what if I do not know things, I do know that a life lived as Mormonism teaches is a good life and that is enough, sort of like a good fruit is evidence of  good seed and proper niroushment. But, thinking to find truth has also given me this little nugget: if you live the doctrine without the faith you did not really live it, or get the real benefit.

Beauty, again

It has a place, but it has been over exaggerated. for years, I honestly thought that what I lacked was being told by the one I loved that I was beautiful, but as I was trying to convince my children of something it dawned on me how pointless it is to establish or reassure our sense of beauty based on what someone says. Being beautiful is important,mind you. There is someone who simply must find you to be the most beautiful person alive, and it need not be your spouse or intended spouse, as I had always thought. 

I could easily understand that I would not appear universally beautiful, and that did not matter. All along I figured my doubts and such of my own worth and beauty were a problem with my husband not communicating well the awe one ought to feel for me (one he was to build an eternal family with). but, it was ok, because I certainly did not feel it for him either.

Tonight, I looked in the mirror and honestly thought, "great scott! you are beautiful!" it was then I realized that was all I really needed. I needed to think I was beautiful, it needs to be an internal thing. Beauty does not look a certain way or behave acertain way. It is appealing entirely to someone, and I was thinking about who I wanted to think ghat I was beautiful and I realized it was Myself! famous individuals are no different from me and yet, they are comfortable with themselves and that makes them attractive.

Could vs. Would revisited

I never concluded in words which was better could or would, but my life chouces spoke my choice regardless of what I typed. My actions declared that could was better than would, and should was better than both.

Now, I revisit them on a more pertinent matter. Because, it seems like could is better in terms of potential to do a thing, and all that was needed was sufficient time. But, no matter how much a plant would grow with enough rain, without the rain, no ammount of waiting is going to ever going to pay off. So, I have decided, especially in terms of a husband: could is absolutely not better than would, especially when it comes to setting and example and teaching children. I say/think this as I prepare for FHE. How fortunate I am to live in an area where FHE is both encouraged and understood. I am thankful for the willingness of a husband, but not at all thankful for what he could do that he should. It feels like everything I teach is diffused by him because dad doesn't do it, so it obviously doesn't really matter.

I had been so excited with my "Utah Mormon" husband who actually could be everything I wanted in life that I didn't even consider if he would be. He always could and has made his choice and I should have really accepted him for what he was not what he could be.

Now, I see that it would have been so much wiser to consider one who would be everything over someone who currently could but was not.

Ok. I am not even really thinking of me I am thinking of how to justify an English princess  falling in love with a viking warlord. It is really really hard to look as people as their will be opposed to who they are which is a huge part of could and would. The advantage I see now of would is that it will become all it could whereas could remains a potential, forever the seed, never the fruit.

As promised...

So, it started with a twist in the conversation. Soon Tracey and I were talking crochet which lead to her sending me the awesomist (is that a word) wiggly crochet pattern for some hot pads. She almost always has a hand in answering my prayers. It is the same pattern which I had been searching for since about 2005 when I saw it made and studied it at my grandmother's house in Florida. It was so beautiful, I wanted to create it, too. That could start a whole new conversation about how we want to create beautiful things. So, as I finally found this pattern, it made me think of my Grandmother, who has passed away, and how much I miss her, but I realize it is no different, in a way, than her being in Florida where I never see her, only I bet she is happy. She was such a good, kind woman. Not wealthy, by earthly standards, though she joked about having a burried treasure that grandpa never found, but he married her in hopes of finding. Ha, ha. I felt certain that she was well. Often, I pray for such, and it struck me as odd how I pray for her more now that she is dead than I did when she was living. I guess to me, alive she was my elder, but in spiritual matters I was her elder and felt protective, like she was a mere babe and needed protection and understanding, this lead me to consider family history and intelligence.

I have no doubt others who have passed from this life are concerned with us and our fates, as are we with theirs. I often have thought about those who come to know spiritual things and how much it will benefit them in their eternal life. And so, I thought of these scriptures from D & C:

130: 18 & 19

18 Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.
19 And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come.

and 131:7 & 8

There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes;
8 We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter.

Mostly, I was struck by the fact that a thing I had long supposed was not so, it is that we shall suddenly have "the viel" lifted from our eyes upon death and will know the truth of all things. But, clearly, those who know things, will continue to know and those who do not yet understand may be taught (Jesus visited and taught those in a sporit prison).  So, if you read that last bit, if spirits were in prison, why so? It seems to find resolution in being taught, so I suppose ignorance is a prison of sorts. I am getting off track again!

Ok, new paragraph. If you come to understand how things were done and why, regardless of how, you will still understand it and be grateful after death.

I had been doing a great deal of work on a particular family name which appears spelled two different ways, from two different countries, but the same area, so I sorta figured they were actually the same somewhere, somehow.

It was this same name that seemed to have a hand in my life when it was most needed, and I could not understand it, but I felt like I owed something to this family, and so I worked alot of doing their geneaology, and guess what? Turns out, I found a relation in my very ward with that same surname who shared a story of a loved one who had passed on and had deep love of family history. I do not pretend to understand much more than I have said here, but it was enough for me to conclude that it was not all merely a coincidence.

There are things that can be known and not unknown that require faith, but once known they will be known forever. I think that is why the angels record the things we know so that they might keep a database of who is fit for which designation.
I have heard, at church, how people claim that they are sure such and such is on a mission in the spirit world.

I can accept that because, though being a person who owns a body of flesh is my goal, I am a person of spirit and intelligence, who always was and always will be. I used the word father to refer to one who made such possible, but even words loose meaning outside of this realm.

I wrote a musical once about the languagd of the gods being music and the thing that seperated the "under world" from earth was music and when a king banished music, oh! It was frightening It was based on the opera of "Orpheus and Euridice".

Ok, time to get everyone up and ready.

Start out lightly

Today, my thoughts are dwelling on intelligence. Actually, for a few days I have been considering things like deduction, reasoning, intuition, and truth.
When I say truth it brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. I figure either they are strong cause you have considered it alot or "eh, don't care". If the later comes to mind probably reading is not your strong suit, there will be no videos or coloring activities in this blog post so you might as well mosey on... but, if you actually do care what I think truth is read on, I will start easy and obvious.

My kids accept things that adults say as truth. This has been explained as a trait that was vital to the resilience of mankind, alright. I too believed and hoped fully in things that I had been taught. Infact, almost daily I am thinking about something I unequivocally accept in my structure of truth only to thing perhaps it maybe a weak link, like I discover many times when working on family history. I used to just trust wiser individuals than I had researched and prodded until they unearthed this truth so it simply was correct, and a few things I doubted ended up with an explination. It was true, therefore if it seems unlikely, it is explained somehow,  I just do not know how.

So, my kids believe 100% in a story we all know called "Noah's Ark." ok, but the story seems unlikely for many, many reasons, and it does not even phase,me because I have played the game telephone. And I know that stories often evolve, like the bed time story last night about what a child tells his father that he saw on Mulberry street. I have been taught that the Bible is a very good book and contains words from God, and allows us to learn of him, but it often fails to convey the exact true principles because of translation errors.

In a series of novels by Robert Jordan, we learn that stories over time evolve into legend and eventually myth, this is referred to, in his world, as the Wheel of Time. And so it makes sense to me that there is truth to the myth making it valuable. Infact, I recall a video I watched years ago saying this regarding the Bible: "It does not need evidence because it is true not factual."

I was telling them about the daughters of Ham who were killed because they would not deny Jesus Christ. I paused. I was referencing this story because I had told my kids that being constant was valuable, cause, they said I could not change my mind cause I had made a deal, and I was so happy they provided a teaching opportunity to teach about covenants. In concluded with me saying that if we make a promise we must keep it, and never ever ever changing our minds regarding a thing is rewarded. Then I needed to recant  that because my mind was flooded with " but, but, but..." so, I taught how even if terrible things must,be suffered we needed to stay honest and true to what we said.

Now, what troubled me is things I believe that contradicted eachother. There is likely an explination, but if the story of a man building an ark and the whole earth being flooded was actual, there was a real dilemma. The three women were referred to as daughters of Ham, who was a son of Noah. Everyone alive had to be a descendant of Noah, huh? Um, but what about the story of Cain... I digress, sorry. So the distinction of being called a "daughter of Ham" merely meant that the individual appeared dark of skin, or what we call African American today,  although most dark skinned folk I know are not from Africa...but, it was dealt with in their day with some story, but cause I was telling my kids, I started to think,  wait a sec, how did Noah's family produce a dark skinned people?

Maybe, this is a way evolution can fit in with religion, it must to be true.

Also consider where the giants or philistines came from.

Ok, I must get bavk to work, I still have not yold my story of my Mulan mixtape and how it makes me think of a scripture about intelligence. Later...I promise.

Espoused

It is hard to even comprehend, but what devotion! I love the idea of being espoused, because it requires a commitment and devotion to demonstrate devotion. It is a much more believable thing than any sort of dowery or expensive ring, which are intended to demonstrate devotion.

I remember a new beginings in WA when a seminary instructor told us how he had given several promise rings to girls in hopes that at least ONE would be there for him when he returned. The funny turn in events was that two of the girls bragged to eachother about their missionary, who was the same person. Ofcourse, only one of them ended up being his wife, but as funny as it would be to tell more of his story, I wanted only to say how much respect I have for those who behave as if they were married although the marriage has been neither legalized or solemnized. And still it is legitimized in their minds. But, I think if it had worked it would still be working instead of privately promising. I guess what I am saying is that I have no real faith in the promises of others especially without evidence, a sacrifice of buying an expensive ring is a great idea, if The person did not easily buy such a ring. Plus, when I was looking at marriage, waiting to prove any committment sounded rediculous. Hence, I recieved only one real engagement ring, and it worked in making me think twice before I changed my mind, but if we had been espoused publically which required public accpuntability to change my mind that would have been so much better (so says the girl who has never been edpoused).

Sorta unrelated, I feel like... what the heck must be done, sweetheart?

I started thinking this because I was pondering Mary's agreeing to be the mother of God though she had to know that no one would believe her, but Joseph did.

Dowery is a pretty good idea because it calls for social accountability, and pressure from families, but thinking of those involved, I see several problems that arise from such an institution.

Being espoused publically is good to me because, someone is expected to maintain respectable life as if they were married, although, everyone knows theyj aren't. That is what makes Mary's story seem so devious because she did have any and all opportunity to be unfaithful to her promises, and break with Joseph and instead Marry the true father of her child, except for divine intervention, so Joseph was aware independently of her innocence.

I guess what I am saying, in a long drawn out way, is that I believe her story because of what Joseph did.