If I am correct then...

unfortunately, I always win at that game, or I have always won up to this point which doesn't actually mean that I can make solid evidential conclusions based on how "Likely" an out come is, etc. Still, it is like playing that "He loves me...He loves me not." game with daisies. So, I cannot conclude anything by predicting a thing given what I do know or rather hope in this case.

If you truly are as able and strong as I hope then my hope would be in vain because you are still around, which sort of means that having what you have has not proven enough. yeah, yeah, I can claim that without me the equation could never equal all the wonderful possibilities, but that is not where I was going anyhow.

back up.... ready? ok, My thought was about you. That is right. you had to know it happens from time to time, it is like thinking of putting on gloves when it is cold, imperative if I am going to be playing the piano and not as necessary if I do not need them, but am quite likely to leave them lying around somewhere.

Ok, so I established the subject of my thought is you. It continues in a wonder why you have not disappeared, if going "Off the grid" is freedom that we want. If you have not disappeared than you are still looking for me. This is not at all reasonable or anything, but it is a thought, and hopeful. cause if you are not reading this then you would have long found the peace that I hope for in vain.

Proving this positive of false grants me no satisfaction.

I asked myself several times today, what if questions that started "well, then.." in response. but, I never answered one I asked most frequently, "So, If you out witted wit by not falling in love then what is the grand prize you won?" love clearly is the prize in itself for those who claim it and cash in on it. But, what do I have?

One more thing...It yields great satisfaction to think about Beethoven dying and with a last breath using his final energy to shake a fist upward, like, "hah hah. I refused to do what was expected." but, why? If he had merely given up on being a composer, so what? ever heard of alternate universes? suppose there is on where all future events happened in accordance with him making another choice?

I am now thinking of a time that Jesus Christ rode in to Jerusalem and palm leaves we scattered before him and people cheered him, and his friends bade them to stop such a ludicrous thing. but he said, "Aww, let them, if they didn't the rocks would call out praises." what I got from that situation is that things necessarily had to be done a certain way, like determinism, which I just naturally am against, until I studied about a "soft" determinism that is most likely. I use this thinking to explain many situations where an all knowing God did not fit in to the situation otherwise. for instance, ewe have been taught that we have "Agency" and coveted it, knowing that to be like God we needed it, and to develop it, we needed opportunity to use it. Ok, but, reasonably, God could have had judgement right then and there already knowing what each would do. but soft determinism states that although things will be a certain way, the force doing the thing or making the choice does not know what they will do.

This leads to my most vulnerable questions. Everything hinges on the veracity of the Book of Mormon. It says that in Adam all fell, but Adam fell that man might be, and that there needed to be an opposition in all things.So, sort of Adam did not have a choice, and further all opposition is a significantly important part of any choice existing. Sometimes, I foolishly believe that it is all a sort of farce, sort of, to let us see what we would choose, thinking that we were actually making a choice. cue what happened to me... I was divorced, and I was soo confused as to why. I turned to scripture truths for help like I always do. it is part of my testimony that the book is true because no man could have coincidentally recorded such essential truths. Anyhow, Alma and Amulek were in a prison discussing how they could merely stand by as such terrible things were being done. All Christians were being gathered and burned to death. Alma wisely said that the wicked and the righteous had to be allowed to choose the works for which they would be judged! that changed my life and my perspective.

If allowed I will go on and on and on, but I need to get to bed. read this again, if you still want more. I'm going.