Saying what you mean.

I noticed how often people, myself included, fail at communicating because we do not say what we mean, which is a failue to communicate. It is most fustrating because it makes perfect sense to you.

I also really admire how others seem to know the secrets of saying what they mean to the point that the see it as an art to say one thing and mean another. I often ead things that are technically nice but, have a venomous intent.

Here is the best I can tell: each word is used to represent a feeling like this: pride. but, what it means to you is probably not what it means to me, so I string a whole lot of theseords together in hopes to lead the reader to my feeling, I usually fail, and though it seems that words would be easier than music, I have greater sucess with music. I remember meeting Brandall and being so intensely impressed with his ability to use words, then I heard that Daniel Bedinfield's song "I have a way with words" and about that time twitter was invented so I thought that I'd try to condense my words to 140 characters, but I failed. I think it must be something about fisthad experinces being better historical records. I thought Brandall ought to be a History instructor, though he prrobably never will. oh well. I am going to try to play a new game with word though. limit myself to one and see if I can express myself. I think artists can say or express themselves through a single representation, so I might be able, with practice to do that. If you think you can or think you can't you're right!

confusion, no

need, good

comfort, better

relief, best

Ah, now I see how haiku came about, though I'm porobably wrong. Start over.

What to do while waiting?

Man, these downloads take too much time. Ok, that was a figure of speech. Time is money and I'd be spending alot per hour if I was charged. in all. it's a good trade.

I was just thinking about how wonderful everyone in my family is and how I really do not belong. Now that everyone, but Lacy who manages a coolness of her own, is married happily, I belong even less. They are all of such high quality, but I'm like not even worthy to be flushed down their toilets, but they acknowledge me? Go figure.

Anyway I was just thinking alot about that while I was waiting for my downloads to finish. Is there anything that I could do to be respectable to them? I just fail at everything. Oooop! I used the Everything word! it is not literally true. I am just pittying myself. It would be impossible to do everything wrong or everything right. But, I'd prefer to do more right than wrong. I've done a bang up job of showing them what not to do. Maybe I deserved to be divorced or hospitalized. Maybe it was the price for being able to be a sibling and daughter of such fine beings as are included in my family.

my most current thought is about differences in people

We talk alot about love and what makes us like another person and I have even been taught that we need to be whom we love or do the things that we love and the one we will love will be doing them, too. But situations caused me to pause to think about what makes people behave differently.

It is at times alluring because of the suprise or what is unknown and thus unexpected. I like the song "Heaven help my Heart" from Chess the musical because it laments the eventual time in every relationship when we loose that mysticism and become known and understood, "Suddenly, I've run out of secrets. Suddenly, I'm not always on his mind." But, the thought that still fills my mind in attempt to understand things like faith and anger is how differently people place the role of religio in their lives. My sister and I are alot alike, and yet, I place religion in the centeer of my life, not out of need initially, but I dare not contemplate the center not holding (c/o Conrad). Whereas, She never centralized the same teachings, thoug she lived them just the same, as she learned more she didn't need to cross-check each thought ith her belief system, in fact, her facts grew to the point where she sorta backwards to me, used them to cross out religion as am unneeded crutch. Some Nice ladies tried to teach me what they believed about a saying in proverbs that if you raise up a hild a certain way he will not leave it. Now, I do not claim to correct a teaching from their good book, and it is something many parents cling to. I will suggest that It is a bit of a catchall, it is wasting your time and wory for you, so you may focus energy elsewhere and not worry about children if your part has been done. I think more can and should be done for those we love... only something different. I watched Law and order wondering how words could be used to persuade a jury to believe something different and was suprised that an argment so easily did that. I think likewise a thing besides just hoping can be done for children.

Next, I have noticed how differently and unexpectedly people react to a fact. It all boils down to what is important. For intance, to me, it is how I feel about something that matters most. For others it is how they think about something. I can really frustrate a reasonable person, and we all know that a reasonable person is better than the "emotional" person, why? that I don't now yet. But, you can destroy my favored things with logic and it doesn't phase me because it still feels right, but what if the unexplainable changed somehow? I would be able to sort of understand and relate to the reasonable person who concluded that their assumptions were wrong. So, after much thought I see a similarity where I first saw a difference. I know that he reason I never found many "like-minded" people doing the same things is because I needed to broaden my view beyond my limited circles. I can see like spirits in many different venues by how they react, not by what they have chosen or have had chosen for them to do.

This exciting fact was revealed by how differently previously considered "like" people reacted to the same thing. This is not a welcome thought to me. I just would not have reacted a given way, but no matter the change when something changes my reaction becomes a measure of who I am. So, unlike others who mourn or cry, I will use the occassion to be glad that I was able to learn such a unique truth.

Joseph's 2nd

Unfortunately it won't be friday the 13th tommorrow, though at least he has a chance, I got a Friday, but it wasn't hardly as cool. I just wanted to record a few thoughts in their freshness for him as he ages. He is so sweet! I hardly did enough for that little guy who is the germ of an awesome man!!!

Today he accidentaly hit me once and said, "sorry." I did not think he was doing his usual niceties like "please and thank you" either. he really meant it. I think it was learned from my other kids, something Nick won't say though.

I was singing his lullaby "I Love to see the temple" and as i was leaving I blew him a kiss and said "I Love You. Night, night!" then, as i turned i tripped. He got out of bed and rushed to his door asking " are you ok?" I explained that I was ok, then he turned to get back in bed and once there blew a kiss at me and said "You. nite, nite." He is so thoughtful! I hope he likes the cake and things I made for him, I wish I could think of a perfect thing to do though. Oh well. I ought to get some sleep before i trip again.

Charity

I believe that one could talk about this forever and still not say enough, It inspires the best in us all. It was the answer to my recent why question.

Recently, I was trying to understasnd how and why a religion so firmly focused on the family was responsible for the destruction of so many of them. It is common that when a man choses his intellect as a guide, the woman's place is to follow, technically, that is what she promised to do, but her devotion to the church is more important to her. Her feelings are stronger where engendered by acts of Charity or in other words The pure love of Christ is so much more attractive than the other loves of their life, mistakingly, they even assume the love of their husband or children is that same love, And we have been taught that it is a man's duty to eh, decieve? uhm, no but to follow the teachings of Christ and by doing so, they become a follower of Christ. This makes them so desirable and impossible to seperate any love that stems from doing good for others from their love for a spouse until it is so ingrained in who they are that they believe they love their spouse with all of their heart. If this is true then, the solution in the scriptures to love your husband and cleave unto none else is extra important. And it would never conflict with Charity, which love is the love that includes all of your heart and mind and being.

In conclusion, The women are doing a better job focusing on Charity which gives them incredible potential that the men don't seem to be getting. I think having children is part of it. Child birth is a unique way that allows a woman to come to a greater understanding of the atonement, which, it's hard to be jealous of something so terrible and painful, physically as well as mentally and emotionally, but it really gives women an unfair advantage, which explains why having the priesthood (power of God) is of utmost importance. Afterall, Adam needed Eve, but God blamed Adam directly for Eve's betrayal. It's okay, it's one of those things that was supposed to be that way. It actually strengthened the bond between the sexes for now they needed eachother in a different way, as if physically wasn't enough.

Won't or Can't

On very significant matters, My debate always comes down to this. On one hand is a possibility that can but won't the other choice is one that won't but can, And I simply cannot decide which would be easiest to live with. I tend to think won't is worse because the will is involved, but when I put mysel in the picture, I know that can't is worse because the potential is not even there. My current choice is "out of the box" I go with none of the above.

Should I explain? I made a list then trew it away, but now I'm starting to see that I ought to trust myself because I was more inspired than I thought. In my list I disgarded things like RM because it didn't qualify Brandall. Then on my list was such things as height and divorce, and being a southerner. All of which totally disqualify Brandall I decided for various reasons that those things didn't matter.

I have learned since that I can rationalize anything to make it seem reasonable or not, but ultimately it isn't about reason. A good friend of mine said "Our heat has reasons of which our minds know nothing of." And then Matt told me about a trial his sister was going through and she ultimately yielded to her heart. But, to me, the point of a list is so that I will make a wise choice before it becomes up to my heart to explain.

So, I'm trying to decide what I need forever and what can be stricken from my list. I tend to think following my heart led me to Brandall which was a huge mistake! Oh grrrrr! I was happy and getting everything I needed, soI thought, but Nick hasn't shown any desire to try to get anything for us. He doesn't seem to value me at all nor want to secure me as his forever, but I do not have a doubt that is most important to me, being needed, and wanted. I would like to get that from My husband, but forever is too long to deal with someone who doesn't desire you. Ok, when I say desire, I do not mean the same word as love, ok, Joseph is screaming, I need to cut this short for now...

oh, well he stopped. but, I call sense that Nick expects me to come takecare of things.

I get it!

I was rejected by man, not by God. I could say so much, but what was central to my life was that I had contrary commandments to keep. I needed to love my husband, but I knew that I had a limited time and that I simply must go have children, My intention was to love Brandall forever and raise children together, but He had his agency and that needed to be respected. So, I went out here and was willing to give up my life for the possibility of raising some children which was necessary and foremost in everything I taught. I will not pretend to be so divinly guided, I was desperate for something that I would do things that I considered wrong to be able to do this.

But, I have now decided that I am exactly where I ought to be, and it is both lack of faith and selfishness in my desires to be sealed to someone forever. Forever is very long I'll find time to chase my own dreams when my duty to those kids is less important. I will live forever, so, it is not wrong to pray for the desire to be with someone forever. It is putting my desire above my children in importance that is troublesome.

The gradual choice

I wonder if i'm ever going to have time to waste.

I am quite certain of things and I feel total peace, no appetite remains of any kind, though, I'm a bit thirsty.

I will be busy here for quite a while, but a time will come when I must face my own agency and make my choices regarding eternity, the choice might be a process though, that might be gradually made as I make millions of little choices, till one day, I say, I know exactly what I'll be doing in eternity.

IF that's a big word. I like sure things.