Theperception of children

My kids see things differently. I do't know what they see, but it somehow appears differently. For example. I made an ugly cake last year for Lena's birthday and was going tp throw it away, but she told me it was beautiful,and kept it. I also sewed some very ugly dresses for the girls to wear to curch and they always ask to wear them. I thouht they were hideous, and they became a huge source of embarrassment to me. Someone said, "I love your daughters dresses. I couldn't ever do that and I'm not handicapped." It made me fel good, but question if it is just kids or me.

I must see things differently. I remeber in Grade school everyone thought their mother was beautiful. Well, I loved my mom, but I thouht she was ugly, i still do, I dateda boy in college that everyone thouht was cute, but I thought he was fat and ugly, it didn't matter to me though so I didn't give it much thought. Then when I had children, I thought I was fat, Everyone else lookedfat too so I figured it was just a perception thing. I remember thinking one lady was vry thin, but afterI lost mt pregnancy pounds I though she looked huge

Bounderies

We live in an age where bounderies are disappearing, and the body is becomming as free as the spirit that can imagine it. We can brethe under water, live in outer space, Women can wear pants and work, Black people can vote, there are fewer limits every day, most are self-implied, anyway, the internet is tearing down limits of knowledge, we can know whatever we want in a few clicks, and we know that we aren't ever alone, someone is thinking the same way some where out there and made a website so that we could learn from their learning. It is beautiful really. But, I'm not stupid. I know that every blessing has a consequence or sacrifice.

The internet helps so many people connect, especially geneologywise. Plus, everything is made so much more instant and easy (Where is that Easy button? don't let the kids play with it). But, that means that preditors have freedom too. Pornography on the internet is much more common because of that ease. And people are less courteous, or considerate because of the reliance on the internet, it becomes easier to see how people like Frank Herbert and Issac Asimov could forsee a day when man became apethetic and reliant on technology. I can't do calculus without a computer, nor do I have a desire to learn to spell correctly. It is sad but true. Even the Media has used its great powers which offered alot of Good, too. but Global Warming? and being "Green" Comeon, how is that different than WWII propaganda? The difference in good is that it is true.

I was thinking about how I am my own worst enemy, as is comonly true, I'm not great or unusual person. A good freind of mine inadvertantly pointed that out. Lauren was talking about herself, but I paid attention when she said that she thought that she was a gift and unique. She was discouraged to see that there were so many others like her. At first I was upset to learn that I wasn't so unique, but now that idea comforts me and makes everything easier, to know that others have done it all before and succeeded. Just yesterday, infact, I got a letter that really piqued my interest it said that the writter had suffered as I have. That really grabbed my attention and it makes me desire to know more.

That reminds me of the first time I read Jane Eyre. I remember very keenly. I was in Ripley, Mississippi. I was 17 yrs old, just finished reading The Shining by Stephen King. I was in my closet reading late at night and dad finally came in and told me to go to bed, but I didn't want to. It as riveting. I just had to know what she did next. No other book stirred me like that one. I alligned myself with the heroine and felt compelled to know her story. Sure it was fiction, but I still looked for my Mr. Rochester for years. I got so mad at Anne of Avonlea for not marrying Mr. Harris! but not as angry that Jane left Mr. Rochester, now it makes sense, but at the time it upset me. i only knew that it must be the right thing or she wouldn't do it, but i so wanted her to choose love over what was right. Like I said, now I get it. I really didn't like the book, "Wide sargasso Sea" but it did give me a better perspectice as did the poem Auroua Leigh.

Now I understand the Metaphor of a bird in a cage, but those women could be free in a day like today. I know that I was lucky to have been born now when I can be free to do as I believe. It is truly an honor worth stating and fighting for.

Speaking of which. I have alot to thank in honoring all those who lived and suffered or even died that I might taste this life, I hav no point or time to feel pitty.

Thankyou for Freedom of every kind!

MY favorite Book!!!!

Another Jane Austen Favorite

You have to watch the second one alll theway to the end!

Another Jane Austen Favorite

This one is best! I keep finding Josh Groban music, hmmmm.

I'm not perfect? / Disillusionment

I decided that I need to think seriously about my list that I made for such a reason.Then I figured out that I don't need a list to tell me what I like or don't like. I can recognise it. The thing I want isn't necessarily patience, though that is part of it. it is the ability to go aftr what you want not letting any thouht or person stand in your way. I would like to see evidence in that, but mostly I would want that to be placed in me. all of my favorite stories are about men who go after a woman even though reason an various things tell them no. My favorite scene in some Jane Austin book is when a guy decides that he lovesa girl andshe is his purpose. I loved the movie Legacy because David Walker falls in love and still persues his interest even thoug she is engaged toa vey good man. I could add more stories till I grow wearry of typing, but the point is, I have thought that I found someone becuse they fit my list of qualificationsonly to realise that wasn't what I needed.

Though he's not reading this. I wanted Steve to make up his mind, and choose me, that was silly, and I turned him away because he just gave up. But finding someone is easy, I still like him, because he is so wise and perfect. but mostly I'm in love with Peter Patrelli, and vicariously I like steve, He deserves better. Brandall used to get mad at me because I talked too much about Jim, and had posters of Tal Bachman on my wall. That was rediculous, obviously not what I want, but I am willing to wait forever if he tried to please me a little. Crap, that makes me sound like a dictator. I would like for my husband to worship me, that's not crasy. He should tell me what he wants not just divorce me because after five years he figured out that I wasn't perfect. oh well, soon chuck comes on!!!!! I love it.

I honestly changed gears I don't even recall what I was saying. I was jst thinking about what would happen on chuck.

I feel Bad

I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on

Yeah
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad


Actually, I don't feel bad, I just like this song.
I hope to feel like this, but I'm not strong enough.
I still love Brandall. I think its cause I promised
to, not cause he's done anything to deserve it,
hence this song is nice.

I probably should just be strong and move on. But it
gets so tricky. I have those kids, but I know they wold be happier just to have things over, too. I wish Brandall would've not proceeded without my approval, I get upset because you can't marry somene without their consent, so you shouldn't be able to divorce without it, maybe if he explain why to me I would agree or understand, but this is just stupid!

I feel Bad

I should be out in that driveway stopping you
Tears should be rolling down my cheek
And I don't know why I'm not falling apart
Like I usually do
And how the thought of losing you's not killing me
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad

I can let myself be angry over wasted time
And sad about just throwing love away
Yeah I almost wish my heart was breaking
But I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad

That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bitter, alone
I just feel its time, its time to move on
I just gotta move on and on and on

Yeah
Baby it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb baby I hate it
I feel bad that I don't feel bad
No, I don't feel bad


Actually, I don't feel bad, I just like this song.
I hope to feel likethis, but I'm not strong enough.
I still love Brandall. I think its cause I promised
to, not cause hhe's done anything to deserve it,
hence this song is nice.

Saterday revelation

Ok, so I'm going through a greiving process, what's next? I am tired of crying and lamenting What could've been.

I got to thinking about one of the many people getting a divorced when I was married who asked me for advice, one lady, who I decied to befriend, though I know not why, told me that shewas getting a divorce because they were nnot sexually compatible. Oh come on I thought! all men are sexually compatible with all women. but I knew that it was very serious or it woudn't cause a divorce. It stuck with me. When Brandall divorced me, I remembered it. I thought that was probably his reason, so I tried to find someone who really loved sex, but that wasn't the trouble. Every guy loves sex, not hard to find. but I am playing for something moreserious, higher odds, so to speak. I love sex, but that is just a given not determining factor in a potential husband. I look for attraction or chemistry, and realie that everting physical can be manipulated. I could look anyway I want, but I could not change who I am. I need to find someone I love, not just desire physically.

I can blame darned movies for planting that idea. It isn't true. Good men and women aren't always going to be gorgeous.

I need to eat and sleep, it is very cold out! but the sun did rise. I hoped it would!
Not much longer and I'll have my kids with me.

Tales of mere exsistance

August Rush

I haven't actually seen this yet, but I'm very excited about it. I'm very glad to now that others are thinking the same things that I do. I can't wait to see this film entirely. And see how it turns out, though, just because someone imagined it a certain way doesn't prove that things in real life work that way, but it shows that i'm not a weird freak, and lots of others think like this and want to know what happens, and alot of people are dedicated to making it happen how someone imagined.

The Role of the Brain's Chemical production during stressful situations

The brain noradrenergic system is activated by acute stress. The post-synaptic effects of norepinephrine (NE), exerted at a cellular or
neural circuit level, have been described as modulatory in nature, as NE facilitates responses evoked in target cells by both excitatory and
inhibitory afferent input. Over the past few years, we have undertaken a series of studies to understand how these cellular modulatory effects
of NE, elicited by acute stress, might translate into modulation of the behavioral–affective components of the whole-animal response to
stress. Using microdialysis, we have demonstrated that acute immobilization stress activates NE release in a number of stress-related limbic
forebrain target regions, such as the central and medial amygdala, lateral bed nucleus of the stria terminalis, medial prefrontal cortex, and
lateral septum. Using microinjections of adrenergic antagonist drugs directly into these regions, we have shown that this stress-induced release
of NE facilitates a number of anxiety-like behavioral responses that are mediated in these regions, including stress-induced reduction of openarm
exploration on the elevated plus-maze, stress-induced reduction of social interaction behavior, and activation of defensive burying
behavior by contact with an electrified probe. Dysregulation of the brain noradrenergic system may be a factor in determining vulnerability to
stress-related pathology, or in the interaction of genetic vulnerability and environmental sensitization. Compared to outbred Sprague–Dawley
rats, we have shown that the modulatory effect of NE is deficient in Wistar–Kyoto rats, which also exhibit attenuated behavioral reactivity to
acute stress, as well as increased vulnerability to stress-induced gastric ulcers and exaggerated activation of the hypothalamic–pituitary–
adrenal (HPA) stress axis. Further, repeated exposure to mild intermittent cold stress resulted in a much greater sensitization of both the brain
noradrenergic system and the HPA axis in Wistar–Kyoto rats compared to Sprague–Dawley rats. The recruitment of a robust noradrenergic
facilitatory influence following repeated cold exposure in this previously deficient strain resulted in an aberrant HPA response, which may be
illustrative of the kinds of neurobiological changes that may contribute to the development of stress-related neuropsychiatric disorders such as
depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, or other anxiety disorders in predisposed or susceptible individuals. On the other side of the same
issue, regulatory alterations in noradrenergic neurotransmission, or in the stress-modulatory functions of NE, may be important in the
behavioral effects of chronic antidepressant drug treatment. We present recent preliminary results addressing the effects of chronic treatment
with the selective NE reuptake inhibitor, desipramine, on acute behavioral reactivity to stress. A better understanding of the role of NE in
adaptive responses to acute stress, the pathological consequences of prolonged, repeated or severe stress, and the mechanisms of action of
drugs used to treat stress-related diseases, may contribute to the future development of more effective strategies for the treatment or even
prevention of such disorders.

My Children

Sarah Lena


Brooksie Lane

Gharles Gavin

Endurance?

Sound Therapy - Metatones explained

Physicists tell us that the physical body is an organized field of molecular vibrations existing within an atmosphere and universe of smaller, subatomic or quantum vibrations. Our universe of invisible quantum vibrations is referred to as the zero point field. In addition, our physical body's molecular vibratory structure has as its' substructure and foundation a smaller, quantum matrix of vibrations connected to and part of the zero point field. The common name for our human matrix of quantum vibrations is the aura. Traditional approaches to human health generally attempt to effect healing change at the molecular vibratory level. One of the numerous medical examples of attempts to effect healthy change at the molecular vibratory level is the bio-chemical effect of every prescription. Although traditional molecular approaches towards health have many effective applications, it fails to encompass the quantum vibratory matrix that is the foundation of the human being. Because of these facts, traditional medical approaches have many inherent limitations and many questions about human health and illness remain unanswered.

What you Won't Reveal

I just got this video from Brandall. He gave me a bunch of my things that were destroyed or sold when they thought I was going to die... Anyway, that's another story, I think this video would go well with the movie Beowolf.

Personally, I get tired of being accused of things because I said something in my sleep, as if I am consiously holding something back. I'm not I deny that I officially even talk in my sleep, I don't know what I say. but have recorded how in a history class after lucnh on a Tuesday, that I talked to my teacher about Rhode Island, bbut awake I never even think of Rhode Island. Likewise, in the hospital, I named all the presidents in order. I am clueless how I did such a thing. I can't now, That is another reason why I want to study the brain.

I better go finish looking up degrees in Neuroscience, I just am not sure that I want to go to Texas. I would miss my children too much, knowledge isn't worth that much. Plus, I cannot abbandon my callings. I just got set apart and told that te Lord needed me there, and that the children would love me and I then like a mother. I can't leave Mississippi, right now.

-Melissa

Desktop

I was so proud of this picture I placed it on my desktop and here for everyone to see, it took the place of my children. When I was in college I had a picture like it on my dorm room door. When girls asked me, I told them that it was a magic castle where I would be married, happy forever after. In reply I was told that I certainly wouldn't find my prince at Ole Miss. Well, I didn't. He was in Utah, but I found him later in Nashville. Not too far away.




The photo was taken by Douglas Lang a very awesome friend of mine, oh and handsome not that it matters, He's cool and taller than me! and has a definate eye for beauty.

my desktop

I was so proud of this picture I replaced my children with it on my desktop. in college it was on my dorm room door and other girl would ask hat it is. I told them it was a magical castle where I would get married and live happily ever after. They told me I would be hard pressed finding my prince at Ole Miss, I didn't.

learn guitar

Idecided that during my free time this week, I'm going to go get one of dads old guitars and learn to play it. The violin was easy when my hands worked, I should learn the theory pretty quickly, plus is would be handier than playing piano, plus Brandall got tons of attention for hiw string talent, i doubt I'll ever rival him, but I'm still young enough to learn something new, and useful.

obviously just having thoughts isn't going to impress anyone, and I am a little monkey performing tricks.

I forgot what I was going to say, but it was cute.

Beowolf

My parent's didn't like this film, my dad was having a discusion with someone about it, and I interrupted to point out that they were missing the point of the movie. I won't give it away, but they were talking about how different the real story is from what the movie is. After you see it you will know why that upset me.

I have always liked Historical fiction, but rued the fact that so many people never bother with learning the truth. Kinda like Mormonism. It is good to publicie stuff and pique interest, but then it is important to find the facts. I wrote a paper about the movie "Immortal beloved". I was really gladthat the writters weren't prone to asmany type errors as me. The film would've had whole new meaning as Beethoven's Immoral Beloved. For my Musicology class I wrote mostly about what a horrible job the movie Amadaues did to teach people about the composer. it made me want to know more and eventally study composition, but I recognied it was a good story, nothing more.

Late, I gave a speech in Oral Communications about him and shocked people with the facts, even my professor asked me if it was true. I gave her a few books as bibliography.

So, anyway, Beowolf was fiction, but it made me think alot so I gave it a thumbs up. It reminded me of my ancestors, poor souls. Mom and dad didn't like the nonsubtle references to Christ, not that they weren't subtle, but that they were obviously negative. I have always been impressed that people actually believed in the Norse gods like Thor and Odin. I read a book "Till they have faces" which was very good! it is about roman gods I think, Plus the crud, I can't remember the name of the place in Nashville that is a srine to Athena, a temple replica. It's really cool. they always havecool info in that place. I learned that they, whoever they are, had live aligators imported at the park for the worlds fai. BAD IDEA! They killed few people and were removed. What were they thinking? Maybe I should ask Dierks Bentley, huh?

oh, That was another thing. Beowolf was always making gutteral sounds like ' huh". "uh" or something. It made me wonder if it was scripted or just something the character did and they liked it. a guy at the theater said that the voice of Beowolf was a 70 Yr old guy, I'll tell you right now, it wasn't the body of a 70 Yr. old.

I am also a huge fan of anything to do with heroes or superpowers, which naturally bring God into the picture, like last night on Heroes, when Hiro had an epiphematic moment when his father was lecturing him about God's role in Fate. It was good cause I really was confused what the writters were going to do about adressing the multiple realities or timelines. After watching Stargate I wanted to become an astro physicist cause the figure out unbelievable things like in the movie "Contact". I enjoyed Beowolf, It was highly CGI'd at times it made you eel like you werewatching Shrek or something, but it's worth seeing. If you liked "Braveheart" You'll love it.

Self-Mastery

Rudyard kipling has written what i consider one of the greatest poems ever. I think it fully encompasses what it takes to master one's self and in terms I think most people can relate to. this poem is entitled "IF".

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Talk about Political correctness?