incorruptible

That seemed to be the word of the day. It started out by my kids explaining that I couldn't stop them from "thinking" about Pokemon, just because they couldn't play or talk about it. This was because I declared Sunday a "pokemon free day". But, they said that bysaying not to say it, I had to tell them what not to say, so I said it. "Ooooooh!, Mom said a bad word!" I did again whe i was trying to explain seeking diligently to them. I thought searching in your room for something was alot like it, you don't just peek. I liked that to our scriptures and tried to show them what "Just going through the motions" was like in reading our scriptures, then I showed them how to seek diligently, but they didn't get it, until I explained it in terms of looking for a Pokemon card they lost. Bingo! I saw their faces light up in understanding! But, then though I wanted to explain how impossible it was to even go a day without even mentioning Pokemon, though my intention was good. I said the"
P word". They were "Incorruptible"

Next we talked about King Louis and how he was taken to another country and though they couldn't kill him, they saught to corrupt his sense of morality by introducing things into his lifestyle. But, it was futile. He explained that he was born to be a king and so withstood their attempts at flattering away his morality with laciviousness He was "incorruptible".

Being Sunday, in my church class the topic was the Millenium. You can likely figure it out if you are not familiar with the term. It is one given to "mil" or "a thousand years" immediately following the second comming (return) of Jesus Christ. After a scripture about the destruction of that great and terrible day, one lady stated that the moral of that scripture reference is to not be corruptible. This forcefully effected me. But, among the profound things that came to mind the teacher said one think that interrupted my thoughts and it required full attention (not because it is of any consequence) because it might yeild some good answers. She asked "So, if we allknow the Earth is going to burn in a fire. Well, how is it going to be started." I really liked most of the answers, but one I remember was of a woman saying that someone probably just gives the scouts some matches!


Anyway, I do remember in another class someone talking about the things that we must have to make sure we suceed or I think "incorruptible" I need to go look up that scripture.

4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine dnature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

5 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

6 And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness;

7 And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity.

8 For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor cunfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

9 But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

10 Wherefore the rather, brethren, give diligence to make your calling and election sure: for if ye do these things, ye shall never fall:


There. that's enough! I just thought a strange thought about this, I considered that we were given this little piece of information to make life a "sure thing". I have always been willing to put in alot of effort especially if the promise was sure. I think understanding thios little piece of information will make a profound difference in how I live my life. it actually makes me double think how I've spent my time thus far.

Something is to be said about being in the right place at the right time. I think how such things mean nothing to those who choose to be and do something else with their time. I want to wrrite a story about The Second coming, a sort of "how-to" an attempt to make it less a horrible day and more of a great day. Today was the Primary Program, and that is where the little children are all to display their brainwashing publically. Comments are always made about how moving or sweet it was to have little timmy tell how he knows that he is a Child of God. And it would be but, I was mostly interested to know whast they were actually teaching my kids. Lena came to class with me once and then asked why they still teach the same things to grown ups? Don't they know it all by then? lol. repetition. repetition. repetition.

perspective?

nothing changed from now and earlier today, but
I had decided that I was being silly and that everything was wonderful here to now I am as angry with Nick as I ever could possibly be. I cannot stand him. So what is my deal? My observation startled me. I thought it was my obsession with being loved that needed to be reevaluated. I couldn't think of a reason to need to be attractive besides finding a mate, and I tried to be ugly and unkepmt, to exteme, but it didn't phase Nick, and I thought it must be love, to decide to love someone regardless of how they appeared, and I did look nice when we met. But a thought that really resonated was that it doesn't matter who can be the ugliest. I had always thought that if my ugliest was prettier than others then it would gain me some sort of preference, but I realized it was a time old thing to try to look pretty because people want to know how much potential you have an it is easier to assess by looking appealing... or as mom taught me, looking clean.

My conclusion is that My relationship with Nick has nothing nor ever had anything to do with attraction. I do not understand why that is important either, but I do know that attraction is typically called love. I was out to prove that notion wrong, but ended up poving to myself how correct it is.

I defined love to be the power to overcome. Attrraction is what causes love to form. For me and Nick, it was my will to have a family, which I do have, now what? Absolutely nothing. And it has been misunderstood that I do not appreciate my family because I do not love Nick, but that is untrue. the only reason I am curently with Nick is to keep my family together. Mentally, I believed that my thoughts were dominant. I could feel a certain way, if it made sense, by doing it. I mentally thought that Nick was a better choice fo me, but I am still very much attracted to Brandall, and though it seems mentally wrong and I can think all of the ways it is worse, I fear that if I didn't believe that I could find a resolution out there, somewhere, I'd throw caution to the wind and put all of my eggs back in that fragile basket, come what may. but, I do believe that I will find a ballance. I will find a relationship that feels right and mentally seems right. I will find my peace. That is what I desire. I was busy desiring to be attracted to Nick and happy with the life that I'm living because it really does make sense.

This or that?

I suppose I ought to be happy to find myself in this dilemma of which thought to expound upon, my head is swarming with them, but in order to be a master of something i must focus down to one idea and make it my purpose for a while. I can actually explore tons of other significant thoughts inside of a larger theme.

1) The boy who wouldn't be a man.
2) The School teacher and her conflicts
3) The annonymous genie

I've narrowed it down alot. I ought to apply guidelines and then see what naturally scores highest. Not being able to perform my music has lessened my need to perform none, and I doubt that cutting out the number of thoughts that divide my attention will only focus my intensity, like a magnifying glass does the sunlight. The power doesn't change, lol here came a thought to save the day! it is niether lost nor destroyed, but is transformed. Now, my thoughts would please Cleon Skousen. Who actually pinched my sister-in-law's butt, how I digress.

While derailed, I watched or rather rewatched "the notebook" again, I was amazed at how different I am it is noticable when I do the same things I did while I supposed that I was fine. There were so many obvious things that I failed to notice. I wonder if that is like being a child. They are happier because they just do not process things they don't want to. I have similarly heard people going on TV and Periodical fasting and how much better they feel not being bombarded by the world.

Ok, I need to go rescue the babies, it seems this is the most common ending to my rants or, escuse me, thoughts, but such is my life.

Saying what you mean.

I noticed how often people, myself included, fail at communicating because we do not say what we mean, which is a failue to communicate. It is most fustrating because it makes perfect sense to you.

I also really admire how others seem to know the secrets of saying what they mean to the point that the see it as an art to say one thing and mean another. I often ead things that are technically nice but, have a venomous intent.

Here is the best I can tell: each word is used to represent a feeling like this: pride. but, what it means to you is probably not what it means to me, so I string a whole lot of theseords together in hopes to lead the reader to my feeling, I usually fail, and though it seems that words would be easier than music, I have greater sucess with music. I remember meeting Brandall and being so intensely impressed with his ability to use words, then I heard that Daniel Bedinfield's song "I have a way with words" and about that time twitter was invented so I thought that I'd try to condense my words to 140 characters, but I failed. I think it must be something about fisthad experinces being better historical records. I thought Brandall ought to be a History instructor, though he prrobably never will. oh well. I am going to try to play a new game with word though. limit myself to one and see if I can express myself. I think artists can say or express themselves through a single representation, so I might be able, with practice to do that. If you think you can or think you can't you're right!

confusion, no

need, good

comfort, better

relief, best

Ah, now I see how haiku came about, though I'm porobably wrong. Start over.

What to do while waiting?

Man, these downloads take too much time. Ok, that was a figure of speech. Time is money and I'd be spending alot per hour if I was charged. in all. it's a good trade.

I was just thinking about how wonderful everyone in my family is and how I really do not belong. Now that everyone, but Lacy who manages a coolness of her own, is married happily, I belong even less. They are all of such high quality, but I'm like not even worthy to be flushed down their toilets, but they acknowledge me? Go figure.

Anyway I was just thinking alot about that while I was waiting for my downloads to finish. Is there anything that I could do to be respectable to them? I just fail at everything. Oooop! I used the Everything word! it is not literally true. I am just pittying myself. It would be impossible to do everything wrong or everything right. But, I'd prefer to do more right than wrong. I've done a bang up job of showing them what not to do. Maybe I deserved to be divorced or hospitalized. Maybe it was the price for being able to be a sibling and daughter of such fine beings as are included in my family.

my most current thought is about differences in people

We talk alot about love and what makes us like another person and I have even been taught that we need to be whom we love or do the things that we love and the one we will love will be doing them, too. But situations caused me to pause to think about what makes people behave differently.

It is at times alluring because of the suprise or what is unknown and thus unexpected. I like the song "Heaven help my Heart" from Chess the musical because it laments the eventual time in every relationship when we loose that mysticism and become known and understood, "Suddenly, I've run out of secrets. Suddenly, I'm not always on his mind." But, the thought that still fills my mind in attempt to understand things like faith and anger is how differently people place the role of religio in their lives. My sister and I are alot alike, and yet, I place religion in the centeer of my life, not out of need initially, but I dare not contemplate the center not holding (c/o Conrad). Whereas, She never centralized the same teachings, thoug she lived them just the same, as she learned more she didn't need to cross-check each thought ith her belief system, in fact, her facts grew to the point where she sorta backwards to me, used them to cross out religion as am unneeded crutch. Some Nice ladies tried to teach me what they believed about a saying in proverbs that if you raise up a hild a certain way he will not leave it. Now, I do not claim to correct a teaching from their good book, and it is something many parents cling to. I will suggest that It is a bit of a catchall, it is wasting your time and wory for you, so you may focus energy elsewhere and not worry about children if your part has been done. I think more can and should be done for those we love... only something different. I watched Law and order wondering how words could be used to persuade a jury to believe something different and was suprised that an argment so easily did that. I think likewise a thing besides just hoping can be done for children.

Next, I have noticed how differently and unexpectedly people react to a fact. It all boils down to what is important. For intance, to me, it is how I feel about something that matters most. For others it is how they think about something. I can really frustrate a reasonable person, and we all know that a reasonable person is better than the "emotional" person, why? that I don't now yet. But, you can destroy my favored things with logic and it doesn't phase me because it still feels right, but what if the unexplainable changed somehow? I would be able to sort of understand and relate to the reasonable person who concluded that their assumptions were wrong. So, after much thought I see a similarity where I first saw a difference. I know that he reason I never found many "like-minded" people doing the same things is because I needed to broaden my view beyond my limited circles. I can see like spirits in many different venues by how they react, not by what they have chosen or have had chosen for them to do.

This exciting fact was revealed by how differently previously considered "like" people reacted to the same thing. This is not a welcome thought to me. I just would not have reacted a given way, but no matter the change when something changes my reaction becomes a measure of who I am. So, unlike others who mourn or cry, I will use the occassion to be glad that I was able to learn such a unique truth.

Joseph's 2nd

Unfortunately it won't be friday the 13th tommorrow, though at least he has a chance, I got a Friday, but it wasn't hardly as cool. I just wanted to record a few thoughts in their freshness for him as he ages. He is so sweet! I hardly did enough for that little guy who is the germ of an awesome man!!!

Today he accidentaly hit me once and said, "sorry." I did not think he was doing his usual niceties like "please and thank you" either. he really meant it. I think it was learned from my other kids, something Nick won't say though.

I was singing his lullaby "I Love to see the temple" and as i was leaving I blew him a kiss and said "I Love You. Night, night!" then, as i turned i tripped. He got out of bed and rushed to his door asking " are you ok?" I explained that I was ok, then he turned to get back in bed and once there blew a kiss at me and said "You. nite, nite." He is so thoughtful! I hope he likes the cake and things I made for him, I wish I could think of a perfect thing to do though. Oh well. I ought to get some sleep before i trip again.

Charity

I believe that one could talk about this forever and still not say enough, It inspires the best in us all. It was the answer to my recent why question.

Recently, I was trying to understasnd how and why a religion so firmly focused on the family was responsible for the destruction of so many of them. It is common that when a man choses his intellect as a guide, the woman's place is to follow, technically, that is what she promised to do, but her devotion to the church is more important to her. Her feelings are stronger where engendered by acts of Charity or in other words The pure love of Christ is so much more attractive than the other loves of their life, mistakingly, they even assume the love of their husband or children is that same love, And we have been taught that it is a man's duty to eh, decieve? uhm, no but to follow the teachings of Christ and by doing so, they become a follower of Christ. This makes them so desirable and impossible to seperate any love that stems from doing good for others from their love for a spouse until it is so ingrained in who they are that they believe they love their spouse with all of their heart. If this is true then, the solution in the scriptures to love your husband and cleave unto none else is extra important. And it would never conflict with Charity, which love is the love that includes all of your heart and mind and being.

In conclusion, The women are doing a better job focusing on Charity which gives them incredible potential that the men don't seem to be getting. I think having children is part of it. Child birth is a unique way that allows a woman to come to a greater understanding of the atonement, which, it's hard to be jealous of something so terrible and painful, physically as well as mentally and emotionally, but it really gives women an unfair advantage, which explains why having the priesthood (power of God) is of utmost importance. Afterall, Adam needed Eve, but God blamed Adam directly for Eve's betrayal. It's okay, it's one of those things that was supposed to be that way. It actually strengthened the bond between the sexes for now they needed eachother in a different way, as if physically wasn't enough.

Won't or Can't

On very significant matters, My debate always comes down to this. On one hand is a possibility that can but won't the other choice is one that won't but can, And I simply cannot decide which would be easiest to live with. I tend to think won't is worse because the will is involved, but when I put mysel in the picture, I know that can't is worse because the potential is not even there. My current choice is "out of the box" I go with none of the above.

Should I explain? I made a list then trew it away, but now I'm starting to see that I ought to trust myself because I was more inspired than I thought. In my list I disgarded things like RM because it didn't qualify Brandall. Then on my list was such things as height and divorce, and being a southerner. All of which totally disqualify Brandall I decided for various reasons that those things didn't matter.

I have learned since that I can rationalize anything to make it seem reasonable or not, but ultimately it isn't about reason. A good friend of mine said "Our heat has reasons of which our minds know nothing of." And then Matt told me about a trial his sister was going through and she ultimately yielded to her heart. But, to me, the point of a list is so that I will make a wise choice before it becomes up to my heart to explain.

So, I'm trying to decide what I need forever and what can be stricken from my list. I tend to think following my heart led me to Brandall which was a huge mistake! Oh grrrrr! I was happy and getting everything I needed, soI thought, but Nick hasn't shown any desire to try to get anything for us. He doesn't seem to value me at all nor want to secure me as his forever, but I do not have a doubt that is most important to me, being needed, and wanted. I would like to get that from My husband, but forever is too long to deal with someone who doesn't desire you. Ok, when I say desire, I do not mean the same word as love, ok, Joseph is screaming, I need to cut this short for now...

oh, well he stopped. but, I call sense that Nick expects me to come takecare of things.

I get it!

I was rejected by man, not by God. I could say so much, but what was central to my life was that I had contrary commandments to keep. I needed to love my husband, but I knew that I had a limited time and that I simply must go have children, My intention was to love Brandall forever and raise children together, but He had his agency and that needed to be respected. So, I went out here and was willing to give up my life for the possibility of raising some children which was necessary and foremost in everything I taught. I will not pretend to be so divinly guided, I was desperate for something that I would do things that I considered wrong to be able to do this.

But, I have now decided that I am exactly where I ought to be, and it is both lack of faith and selfishness in my desires to be sealed to someone forever. Forever is very long I'll find time to chase my own dreams when my duty to those kids is less important. I will live forever, so, it is not wrong to pray for the desire to be with someone forever. It is putting my desire above my children in importance that is troublesome.

The gradual choice

I wonder if i'm ever going to have time to waste.

I am quite certain of things and I feel total peace, no appetite remains of any kind, though, I'm a bit thirsty.

I will be busy here for quite a while, but a time will come when I must face my own agency and make my choices regarding eternity, the choice might be a process though, that might be gradually made as I make millions of little choices, till one day, I say, I know exactly what I'll be doing in eternity.

IF that's a big word. I like sure things.

my wish list

Ok, first I'm going to get a duo stroller for the babies, but It's really for me. I need Jelly to make Sandwiches for Nick and Diapers and wipes (can never have too many) I need some make-up. Mybe some hair dye, maybe. I'm going to get a cable to conect my keyboard up to my computer to use drums and such. I want to get Lena uDraw for the wii.I'm going to do something about my teeth, and Nick wants me to get a new phone that works, but I told him, I only need it because I had it. I'd honestly like to get a tablet or laptop. I'll see. I suppose I ought to get a better camera or atleast a laptop with webcam. lol. Just thought of a silly video of a mom(an old non-technical lady) wanting a laptop with a webcam.

There other than a new house or car I got nothing. I was explaining to Nick that I just don't feel very needy. I had to think quite hard to think of this stuff. It didn't come to me naturally. Or maybe I'd prefer getting my Christmas shopping done.

a blog, a blog? I already have one

Of all the venues, though not much growth is achieved in finding what natually suits you. I have been told one too many times that I ought to start a blog with all of my rants. Maybe I will. I am ready for a big change.

Here I can use as many words as I like and it is refreshing! And I can say whatever I want and no one will ever see it. unlike twitter or facebook, which suited me fine when my phone worked well. You really can't beat catching up on the world in the tub.

Allusions

I had been thinking overtime about what I like about things, or what makes me like something. I really like stories. I like music, too but the stories in music don't have to use words and I still love them. I heard a music therapist say that we make associations (lol) with our senses, Music, in this case, That when solidly in our minds recall several other feelings! I was like "Yeah! That's it!". That reasoning explains why When I hear certain songs it almost transports me back in time, all of the other stronger parts of my mind also are exercised in recalling their associated "memories" when a song is heard.And so I don't like to rwatch entire movies. I like to recapture that snipet that recalls my strong recollection. I use videos like a journal. It is not a new idea or anything. People of my generation have always used the power of art to communicate, by using pictures or jewelry to say their words for them, or creating MixTapes that say what we want to, but this is a "professional" getting paid to do it for us.

But, I had thought that I figured "classics" out. they were just true expressions traped out of situation in a way that they would endure people or situations. But, as I was listening to a new song It brought to my mind all kinds of things that were not memories, but brilliant, in everyway. I wondered if the creater of the song even knew of all of the allusions. It all seemed too perfectly suited. I thought, hmm... Maybe a similar feeling evoked them that is the reason for the similarities. Then, it struck me how much I loved allusions and always have.

My favorite books(outside of Choose your own Adventures) were all Mysteries. I was a huge "Sherlock Holmes" and Agatha Christie fan. I decided this was because I like to solve things. To me my most loved art is that which requires repeated experience to understand or figure out. I still have not figured out the whole (nor probably ever will) of "Inception". I love the intelligence of so many of these. I expect there are associations that I am not even aware of yet, that as my perspective matures my understanding will.

I guess this blog was more about mystery than allusion. I merely wanted to express my appreciation of allusion, especially when it was intended and understood, kind of like deduction or extrapolation.

hey, you...

yes, you! If you are reading this, then I have a treat for you. I'd say it myself, but this is more compact and profound:

"All over the world, Latter-day saint women feel the same way about Relief Society, 'Way down deep.' They have benefitted from its service, and they know it is now their turn to serve with charity and faith. They give this service in different capacities-- as daughters, wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, visiting teachers, Relief Society leaders, neighbors and friends. Some of their service comes in reponse to assignments from Church leaders, and some of their service comes in reponse to quiet promptings from the Holy Ghost. Seeing that they are 'compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses,' they are ready to 'run with patience that race that is set before them."

"I believe when we determine within our hearts that by and with the blessings of God, our Heavenly Father we will accomplish that labor; but when we lay down, when we become discouraged, when we look at the top of the mountain and say it is impossible to climb to the summit, while we never make an effort it will never be accomplished." -Heber J. Grant

wireless?

I remember at my train the trainer class in San Diego everyone was taking in the networking instruction part about how everything was going wireless in the future. I thought of myself as insightful, but I was clearly wrong in thinking it would never happen. But, as an analogy, I think my life needs to go wireless. It's worse that all of those cords behind the desk. Which we refer to as Spagetti.

I started out with such grand intentions and expectations. Even, everyone I knew said that I would do great things, see how messed up this is? I'm speaking in past tense as if it's too late.

Really, it is. I don't know which bridge I unwittingly burned that got me so stuck, but I am. Now, they say necessity is the mother of invention, so maybe I just need to work harder to mcguyver my way out( I believe that is the politically correct way to say you nigger rigged, but face it, I'm a red neck).

I still believe in a way of life that I fully intended to live. But, as I read about how awesome life can be I see that I messed it up, alot. I have tried to pretend everything is fine, but I'm only lying to myself and God. Things are not fine, and I really want to believe they can be. How could this happen to me? No, stop it. I am not the victim of this story, but the author.

I'll write more later. I have other pressing needs.