what do you want (cont.)

I tried and tried during my desire to be in and thus loved to rekindle why I was married in the first place, in hopes of resuming where intended to go with the purpose that I must have intended, but as I realized it, I kept hoping that wasn't the only thing, and then I would get swept up in family because that is ultimately why I am here. I need my children and love them, and all of my progenitors.

That is what makes me even more upset though. I feel it is the best thing to teach about mortal life is to love their father through countless little ways that they can emulate and feel good anout the world, instead, I fear I fail them. What good is it to have a home and food if you do not have and teach love?

I would hope that the children can see the difference between feigned affection and real love, So what would I want most for my children?  all I know is that to do anything for them, I must be alive. what I ultimately want is to habe that part back that I had with Brandall.I recall one time I was at my sister's house and I commented that I thought that Matthew McConaghey (sp?) looked like Brandall. She said, " You think everyone looks like Brandall." It was then that I realized that I compared every man in the world tohi and loved him so much that I honestly hadn't even thought that another man dared exsist. Finally! He was EVERYTHING! but. that alone is not enough. I learned through that chance that hapiness did not depend on being in love. I am back tomy Adam and Eve paradox. what am I supposed to choose? that is what I do want, may every test give thesane result, I WANT what I am supposed to want. I still do not know what that is, though.

What do you want?

Now, there is a question that I have been asked countless times in my life, but I still do not have an answer. I ought to have said and ultimate answer. I can always think of things I would like to have, but those must cause the thing I desire, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. All mankind desires to be happy. Uh, I know I'd rather be happier if given a choice, but just being happy doesn't do as much for me as I'd suspect.

Then, I morphed my desire into love which can be coaxed out and tried on with a cheap imitation. But, after realizing that goal was too easy and not profitable, I evolved being attractive into being Godlike. But, really, no ammount of goodness is going to meet me unknown desire.

I determined that it was neither physical or spiritual alone, but a combination of both.

I learned at a young age that there are things which I do not enjoy that will eventually make me happier. So, falsely, I assumed (theorized) that if I really didn't want to do something, then that was a good indication that I found something good.

I thought that meant that I should Marry Nick, and he was very good and a man of Integrity. I lost him...I'm falling asleep.I don't know what the heck I was talking about. I better come back after I wake up.

Waiting for the dryer

I was playing with my phone, which is quite the,handy little tool. It puts all of my friends and the interesting facts of the while world at my fingertips, but after I finished,marveling at how amaizing this was, I mean, come on! This [The Internet ] is better than a stack of encyclopaedias. Anyhow, then I started thinking about how my vision was on the decline, too.

It must be an age thing. How many other things are suffering the effects of neglect, too? I only notice my vision ocassionally, and my teeth all of the time... Then the idea struck,me!

When we go to the optomotrist (sp?) He gives a test. Not the one with the letters, but the one of which is better? I think "this is serious. If I mess this up, My eyes will suffer LONGterm." But,  most of the time it is not obvious. I cannot decide and I get all anxious. Is he wondering a preference or is one suppose to appear differently? meaning, more clearly. This suggests that we do not perceive things the same, yeah, big deal, huh?

Seriously, I have noticed before when,looking at photos that other people seem to focus and thus notice things differently. I have completely missed what was obvious to lots of comments.

I have noticed the same thing in how I regard myself and others, my "view" is entirely different. It is not a matter of anything being better or even more correct, unless you think along the lines of. "I believe... That you believe it." Ok, well, that is step one. Step Two, would be to figure out why I believe it. Or trying to "walk in my shoes". Though a neat idea, you could never have my perspective, it is unique, but you could love it, if you tried.