photos 2008 Cont.

photos

Love

It bewilders me. the thought resounds more frequrntly than I care to admit, but am I even capable of love? I like to play the game of if I could be anywhere doing anything what would I be doing? then once that is solved I only need to excercise patience and it will happen.

I love Brandall, but the likliness of him eer falling in love with me is foolish.

I had an extremely weird idea that I cannot speak of or type, only in riddles, as unsatisfying as that is, it would be like blasphemy, but I know nothing that's the stem of my problem, how to turn faith into knowledge and still be alive.

I think that I'm not supposed to know, If God is all-knowing and then he knows what I would think and feel, and can know how I will act. I believe that he loves me completely, so I want to please him, so what's the prpblem? easy: will I ever know love? or should I just keep trying? in life I tak test and do not leave answers blank cause I don't know but guess and learn more by searching to know. si If I apply that... Is there somebody? is Brandall still the one for me or ought I try to love another? Could I? hmmm

Gotta be somebody - Nickelback

I was very happy with my life, until I decided to listen to more Nickelback music and the thought keeps filling my head that I love Brandall, and am glad to not be divorced cause I would end up sealed to someone else for eternity.

the still small voice tells me that I am alive for a rreason, and things are happening for my best, as always, I just need to quit any selfish will whatsoever and realize that my part must be played and if it is, and I do my job the way I have been taught and prepared that I will ultimately be rewarded.

I just want out of here right now, but I have been taught to not let what I want "Right now" get in the way of my ultimate needs, I also think on the fact that there is often alot of rihgt choices but one will be the best, sounds like I need to reevaluate my life and pray harder, and be willing to do whatever is needed. I switched from being or feeling like Job to feeling like Jonah, sure he tried to escape, so did Christ, but, "the ways of god will not be frustrated."

I want to be me and do what is right for me and see where that leads me. I want to find that I am with "somebody" forever that I love whatever that is. "I will know it by the feeling."

current pictures

Salt Lake City - the rest of the story...

Ok, I havent been officially there yet, but I'm planning on finding a place to live there, though I love the kids there are things that I should like to do that cannot be done with them peeping or with all the little "onlookers" as we call them.

ok, now why did I choose to write? to tell the story of What was I thinking that I asked on twitter the otherday, since I promised to tell a story "pure fiction" ofcourse. So here goes:



I realized at 4 am that I had a camera oh, wait the story deepens, like Tolkein said the good ones do... cool.Why was I up at 4 am? sick, no bad dream, now unable to sleep due to longing and confusion, that had built up in my mind to the point where it began flooding into my spirit and drowning me so I woke up gasping for air, that waswhen I realized that Nick's laptop had a camera. though I just told kenny it was no worth playing on cause it was slow and didn't have a microphone, so he went and brought me one. Pych, did you actually believe this? looser!

I was sleeping in the Toy room cause everyone knows how much I love to play with toys, I decided to use them as props, but then decided not to, sorry Matt. Great Scott!

ok, so I was really thinking that I wanted guys to reassure me that I wasn't a hideous beast and my job issues were somehow the fault of the economy, that will be changed by Obama, yet, in this "preObama" toy room. I got the idea that I could take a picture of me at my worst and if no one commented then I was ugly and they were heeding the old saying ,"If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all." but if they did comment favorably on such a current picture, though wretched, I could regain my self esyeem and conquer yet another part of this silly Brain infection. sure my ballance stinks, but I will continue to improve, besides pictures do not show ballance issues, and Nick promised that he did think thaty I was attractive and "perfect" and quite frankly he isn't a liar. oh who the heck is Frank Lee and how is it he constantly finds a place in my stpries, eh?

ok, that was more fact than fiction, but I found myself preoccupied today and unable to create such a good story and so I rush to wite this and go to bed. before nick logs in to this computer remotely again to "onlook" himself. sounds intriging, huh?

not really. but hey, who am I to judge what interests you?

my past

I was a bright young scientist. ok, that is how I fancied myself, really I was just a distance running Music major. I attended collgeg at the University of Mississippi and realized that I wanted to see the world, so I drove out west. I ended up working for boeing in Washington doing hardwaresupport under the IBM/Microserve Contract. though I was actually a TSS Employee oh! it was confusing. I worked mostly on HP Plotters and Dell desktops.I was a feild engineer/ hero in my old 1983 silver 240 turbo Volvo sedan. I ate primarily Gardettos and listened to alot of Mlan and Morrissey (or the Smiths) as I drove around Kent & Auburn.

I got a job doing software support for MIcrosoft via Keanne/Staffmark, and moved to Renton and worked in bellevue. I met Brandall in Nashville. who was a sound recording major at some school in Texas. I drove to Nashville to work as a TEchnical trainer at Athena Computer Learning center, and Met and married Brandall. the I got sick after two healthy pregnancies. my third I was taken to three hospitals and no one could figure out what was wrong. it ends up, I had histoplasmosis that when I got pregnant it got into my nervous system. I still have Ballance/coordination issues. Brandall dumped me at my parents house in Mississippi, where I lived for a while until I decided that I was an adult and ought to take care of myself, something brandall obviously wasn't going to do.

my son was born early after two miscarriages, he also had open heart surgery. but is strong and well. It is my goal to find peace in life again. sure I accept that I'm not ugly or fat. but I am not a supernmodel and I do not even have a goos reason for wanting to be one, I'm still working on that.

I have learned, most importantly, that we develop other skills in place of what we loose, as a coping technique. I feel quite fortunate to be alive and able to walk, breathe eat, etc. there really ought not to be room in my thoughts for wanting to be beautiful, but I do. when I look around I see that I'm already cuter than most people, but For some reason I'm not satisfied.

one of my dear friends said that was what made me so good at things, my unacceptance of mediocrity. I admit feeling like I always have to be the best. oh well.

anyway that is a pretty good summaratation of me. If I was creating a fiction. I would've developed my chracter better, but this is just an honest to goodness history.

now, I live in Utah where I am very happy, and feel like I belong. all I need is to be divorced now so I can get custody of my children and raise a family the right way. I'm currenty taking notes.

I am very much in love with Nicholas Holden, though he probably doubts such, but that's of no conseqiuence because I know he really likes me and I technically am still married anyway. like I said, everything is going to work out for the best. I see myself being healthy and strong again and others will doubt such a horriffic tale, though at times, truth can be stranger than fiction.

Utah

This place is so cool. today I'm going to go to see the canon in the fall trees with leaves changing colors. And I get to go see the Logan Teple in person, that will be cool.

A really nice lady brought me more free clothes yesterday, It was so much fun, it is marvelous, not only does she belive the same things as me, but she is a paralegal and defended her self in divorce and got custody of her children when her husband accused her falsely. sound familiar? well, there is hope. She is very happy, course she said that it wasn't easy, and it was 15 years ago. but I think she is believable and can cathatically help herself in helping me, so I let her.

I got stuff for Brandall that I need to send to him today. His birthday is on the 22.
I hope it will make him happy even though he says that I'm crazy.

I talked to jim last night, too. he thinks It was very selfish and irresponsible to leave my kids in another state, but he just doesn't understand. oh well.

My life will be good, and my kids will be happiest and well-cared for. they will have very good memories, I am the one who is hurt by this not them. It is all in my journsals.

ok, I cannot cry right now. I am staying with a family of 6 children and they all want to use my computer, and cellphone. I don't actually blame them.

cool email alert!

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .









Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.




+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? Yes!




Think about this one:




1. Cows



2..The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments






C O W S




Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.








T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N




They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.









T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S




The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:



You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.




It is Time for America to Speak up !

A song

my conclusions - very blunt

I was worried about how I looked, not just being healthy and happy, which caused me alot of unnecessary grief. I mentally could understand the error of my ways but lacked the knowledge of how to apply it. after alot of serious consideration. I thought more deeply on who i was and what I needed. True i was falling in love with someone i thought was "perfect" for me in body, mind and spirit. but after a few talks of conference things clicked and I realized how vain and prideful I was being. It was like eating the fruit from nephi's vision and then feeling ashamed cause of the spacious building.

As I listened more things opened in my mind. i realized that it was both good and very bad to be enlightened. "Ignorance is Bliss." it is harder but better to be forced to choose something over the other when you can rationalize either being correct. or a while thinking about things existing on levels of correctness worked that both things could be right, but one more correct than the other. but Then I though how I just want someone to give a talk on revelation and just explain precisely how we know things are true. it will never happen. so I write to fill that void caused commonly in the hearts and minds of those who suffer like I do.

when the spirit speaks to your heart it is undeniable, it is a calm peace that causes your burdens to "seem" meaningless and light. I am LDS not because of the rhetoric of the church, or cause my dad is bigger than your dad, but because I have felt it. the holy ghost has undeniably spoken words to my heart, that my whole self agrees on. people talked about early saints having a sure conviction of the truth, yet being disgusting to the Lord because of other faults. Lehi's dream made more sense, not that it lacked understanding or clarity notably in the first place. there was another anecdote that explained the point that we can "Know enough" without understanding everything. that made another huge impression. A Missionary said that he Didn't "Know" that what he was doing was right. but his mentor got the whispering in his heart (other men are easier to believe than the spirit, huh?) that this young man did so "know" and as he told the man he was wrong, he did know he was right. The Spirit spoke through him to this man (a real 'teaching moment').

Since no one will read this much except for myself in the future, think to laugh on this all. i very nearly fell in love with a guy on twitter who i thought was all i wanted, and was ready to rationalize that I already lived and accomplished all I needed so the rest of this life was just bonus time for me, I could do all the things I would if i were completely free off "ought to do's". but I made that mistake before. I dumped Robert for Mike cause he said he rode his bike across Scotland, bout me antiquarian books, and worked at Microsoft. turns out Robert was perfect for me, though Mike seemed to be. I met Mike at the SF Bridge, and when to Yellow Stone & Manti with Robert, Duh! though Mike won me over in making sure our motel in Berkley was safe, and i really liked his computer. I vainly thought you could tell alot about someone from their computer. False. it is potential that you ought to judge by, not what they choose. and here I thought all along Actions speak louder than words, and so they are most important. wrong. actions arr more important than words, but a personal anecdote that I'll not relate taught me that potential is more important. Communication cannot be forged out of sheer will power, another vain thing I believed. I did not consider myself a vain and overly proud person, but my realities show me that I did need to be humbled. We are purposely given weaknesses.

Nickelback does it again.

http://youtu.be/Q0VRj2uw9L0





I love them, it is like loving a man, they offer the whole package. good thoughts, Good lyrics, Good music, good songs.

I've got it!

It's about power. If I was beautiful, I could do alot more.

it is a catch 22 thing. I used to complain that I didn't want to be thought of as a cute bimbo but I lived most of my life that way and got good at it. I actually have the opportunity to change that, but only care that I am not so beautiful. I guess the old adage fits, "Be careful what you wish for." now I can go get hired an never be accused of only getting the job cause I was cute. now it will be because I am qualified. I worked with alot of other hideous people who I fought for so they would get fair treatment. My leverage was being pretty and intimidating. I can still beat up alot of geeks and am still tall, but I wouldn't get whistled at as I walk down the street anymore,

Nick says that he is already prepared to fight the guys off and wishes I was uglier, I think he is just being nice, and protective. oh well. I know what I want to be pretty, and the first step to avoiding a reap is knowing of its existence. I just love Dune.

Enough is enough!

ok, I'm ticked off and I need to go to sleep to refresh my mind.
but I had a new idea. I thought as I read another blog that I actually could write about the same thoughts I think I have actually, it made me eel better because they struggle too but even amidst apparent success they failed, so i am doing ok, though at times i feel like I'm failing. life is way too long to Judge anyone based on anything but potential.

wanting to be beautiful is most important to me and I thought it was just to attract a husband but that's not it. I still do not know what it is. i think something along thew lines of ease of life. i do not want to have to constantly work on it or try to deceive, i just want to be what I think is beautiful. I am my own hardest critic, I know. I realize that others think I'm pretty enough. so what? pretty enough for what? Good question?

Nick just messaged me. I ought to go have a conversation with a real person who genuinely loves me. No, not like that, stupid. He greatly is concerned for me and wants what is best for me. The best sort of acquaintance!

Enough second guessing. time to live.

me - unpretensed

I think I am likable enough just the way I am. I see there are ways of thought that, though I could accomplish, I do not desire them. I think that I could mke certain desirables desire me, but what is the point? It wouldn't be me they desired but who I made them see. this is such a cycle! again I'm saying the same thing. I am just going to be myself and not try to see through others eyes who I could be.

There are several facts about me: 1) I am often best taken in small doses added to water cause I'm intense. I tend to think way too much and it has come to embarrass me. I honestly wish I said less, nothing I think is that important anyway. 2)I am attractive when seen through others eyes. I just wish I could see things that way. I know confidence is important but in my life people have explained that it is my discontent nature that pushesme to eternally greater things. My doctors and lawyers try to use all otheir devices to tell me that I am lovely, but even my parents have tried typical tactics. I don't get why it is so important to be beautiful anyway? 3) i am radioactive and feel better when I'm in love. like a hydrogen atom, I need to fill my outer energy level and it is unnatural for mr to be alone. 3) I try to do what is right. i even teach a sunday school class called CTR's which stands not for any kind of ackronymn for monitors, but choose the right. I give out rings and teach the children to refer to the ring when a choice is made kinda like the WWJD wrist bands. I want to be an example of the things I teach. and those kids should confidently know that if they do the things I teach they will be happy. but I taught that the family and Marriage is most important and tried to always do what is right but things still didn't workout. Inside I won't give up on the things I hold true, but if they are true shouldn't my life reflect that? Isn't that beauty? everyone has agency.

What compells people anyway? If you know, please leave a comment below. or e-mail me.

blah, blah, blah.

Where does money come from?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9050474362583451279&total=35&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=8

Don't vote!

Why?

Ok, I'll start out by stating that I am not the one with all of the answers only some but all of them, for the right questions, for the right person. For instance, who is the right person? Easy. The one who asks the right questions and finds all of their answers in my little careless ramblings.

I am not obsessive about weight per se but I just want to be as I was. At each age we are building towards something, and I mourn that my wall was kicked down. In class we read about Ericson's theory and it didn't impress most including my teacher, but it stuck with me for some reason. He [ericson] said that everyone does certain things at certain ages (Developmental stages) and we cannot miss them, or they will be revisited until we do them right. so maybe I missed something important and am reliving my life in attempt to pick it back up. Conceivable.

There are people who speak in words that penetrate my core being and their thoughts become adopted. so I learn without having to experience, but that was not my intended point. alot of the time we abandon our original points though as directed to teach via 'The hand of providence' the unseen force that compelled advancement like Columbus's' voyage to Asia via the New world. I guess that is a perfect example of a great and fortunate failure. Anyway jumping back, I am in love with Brigham Young, C.S. Lewis, Blaise Pascal, oh too many people to name. Yes. the feeling is love. Not anything to do with what they look like, but their verbal expression holds something kindred to me and I enjoy immersing myself in their thoughts.

All my life I hoped to find such a person alive and kicking. But I pretty much gave up that hope after a failed marriage. I still love so many things that I share in common with others, but my "Cosmic destiny" is all tied up in being raised on true Mormon Principles. I am scared of moving to Utah, though I must, I'm scared because I found last time that people are people and just because the majority are "Mormon" doesn't make them good people. I know that I ought to get married to care for my children. They deserve to be raised in a home with a mom and dad, its pretty basic.

Sure *I* am important, but others are more important. I had the plan to go to Utah and remarry. but now I get worried because I am not in Love. I suspect my kids will discern it, unless I fall in love, but as I get better, I gain more of myself back. I gain alot from doing my Yoga each day. It makes me think that If I get married before I'm well. I will not be content when I "Come to my senses" and Get well.

As I get better I realize more and more that I am most fortunate to have gotten away from Brandall, though I love him, he doesn't love me. Love must be two-sided. I gave up all consideration for myself and ended up in this awful condition, or maybe my failure is luck in disguise. or this is getting too long the average eyes. later.

Supernatural!!

An excerpt from my favorite show.
best so far

brandall

avoiding things is not working.

I decided to escape my obession with Nickelback by watching "Bones". which I really love! but the episode I watched featured the song "far away" lol my keyboard is broken and as I was correcting things I called the song "fat away" which I almost left cause it was so funny. but did you notice Keith Urban's t-shirt? I cannot escape it, I'm obessed. crud. It will lessen in time and effort though. but even Kroeger Signs in Gallatin, or living in Mississippi, and Chad resembles Jesus to me now, I am so haunted. and brandall accuses me of liking Tal Bachman,just cause i love Seattle/bellingham and want to live by the ocean. whatever. I typically hate blonde hair, he ought to be thankful I made exceptions for him.

Promises.

Child's Prayer

I can soooo relate, having

suffered from a fungal infection,I haphazardly contracted by inhaling.

what is beauty?

Bones - perfect!

My Favorites!

Brooksie

I was thinking about her and how much we are alike. Brandall says that he tells her that he loves her but she tells me that he doesn't love her, hmm. interesting. It becomes my job to convince her that he does love her. I wonder who will convince me cause I do not believe it one whit.

Victoria

Well, I don't rightly know who Victoria is, but I don't like her.

this has been a riddle posed or those looking for them.
Similarities: Look for them.

Major Breakthrough

It didn't comehow or when I expected, but now I must share.

Last night I called Brandall, mostlyly crying, because God was protecting me in allowing me not to do the things that Were harmful that I wanted. Ofcourse I didn't see it then. but If I just keep mylawyer and work with Brandall I will get the divorce. I thought that it was nor whar I wanted, Though I did, I was just so confused. See? I reallylove Brandall and only want a divorce because I love him and want to give him what he wants, but the minute I did, everything started working out, and most notably, I lost 13 lbs, while eating lie a pig. I can fit into my smaller clothes and fix computers, soon I think I will be able to sing!

The whole while I honestly thought that Brandall and I should be together and I prayer for it. but now as much as it hurts me, I must be the mature one and be active in granting a divorce. Brandall has had years and trsoutces at his disposal, buy couldn't divorce me until I was ready. to me it shows that God's power is grater than even agency. I noticed that people fall inlove withme all of the time. Brandall isevery thing I love but NEWSFLASH! he doesn't love me. I would wait around until he did, but it isn't going to happen and I have greater things to accomplish.

Nicholas wants me to love him, but I don't yet. I know there is somrthing about him though that keeps me around, It was farwful that we meet, but I do not hve a testimony that I will spend forever with him. Though I love so much about him, and it is important, and I know that eternaly the way people appear is almost insignificant, yet, there is no "Magic" between us, that I know of, and that is why m immortal, there is no doubt there, so I want a love that will always be with mr, though I am learning that it doesn't make me unique. I used to think that what I need a divorce cause there can not be until then, it would be wrong, but I will keep mysel open until then, to fall in love like in "Hancock" Eternally so.

I thought that what Brandall and I had was so unique and rare, but now, everyone else is still together. I guess I was wrong. Everyone wants love and just because someone promises to love you forever doesn't mean that they well. I do not doubt that I will live forever, so I must ind someone who will love me that long, so they must love the constant and unchanging me or want the same me thatI hope for. I think that is why i like Nick.

King Nicholas

I thought I ought to say something pertinent to the masses, so first I will comment on a song that is popular. Photograph by Nickelback. He made a comment that it suprised him that others found parallel and could relate to his remenissing.I think I already praised C.S. Lewisfor noting that same thing. Ironic?

I Talked to LeAnne yesterday, and she said that I cannot marry everyone and to quit trying.She said it is better to obsses over famous guys who don't acknowledge me until I get back on my feet anyway. I watched the Last King of Scotland, and It only solidified my ideas to move to Utah and marry "King Nicholas". But LeAnne said it was a bad idea and just because I can do things doesn't mean I ought to. I told her how I thought so highly of Chad Kroeger, and she asked "You aren't actually talking to him are you?" as if it would be terrible if I were. then she explained that he looks uncannily like one of her best friends husbands, so there are other guys out there that I can fall in love with when I'm ready. But I love Vancouver! I just love the story of Prince Harry and Prince John. Course probably cause I'm a sucker for fairy tales. But Utah is closer :)

ok, now on to what made me want to write. I just had to express my desire to be wise about musical things. I look at doctors and lawyers with respect but my true admiration goes to those who take the time to follow the dream of making auditoriums ull of people scream. I still have a burning idea that I want to do that. maybe my present sufering will only help assist me. I thought that I needed to study math and accoustics, but now I'm leaning towards learning more about equipment and recording. I want to be an expert not just a powertools junkie. I need to understand everything about a guitar for example. Before I let that to Brandall cause he wanted to be a luthier. and being as we were married I didn't need to have the same skills. And I didn't want friction or competition, that was simply his arena and my interest. but I feel it is time to make it my arena.

I think that people who truly "hear" records and can play by ear are ama ing and far more credible than any doctor. It is either talent or determination that made one sit down and learn all that information. most doctors lack the passion and get respect to makr up for it, but alot od Musician have both. I ought to go look up something to study along the line of preparing myself to be a roadie. My friend Jim dropped out of highschool and became a millionaire by 25. so I tried to emulate him. now I see that computers are not my passion but my expertise. my dad was a brilliant musician who treated his talent like a plague, and so taught me. now, i bet he wishes he hadn't.

blah, blah, blah.

too old?

my kids just told me to get out because I was too old to play. urgh! and last week a bunch of kids yelled at me cause I was showing them how to cheat and take a short cu through the fence, they screamed, "Oh no! Sister Brawner just climbed throuh the fence another child yelled No. She can't she's too old."It makes me wonder if I am old. I don't feel old, I though the reason why I'm uglier is because of my Brain infection/C-section. one lady asked me what year of college I was. She sad I looked likwe a college girl, then one girl said,"you are beautiful. I want to look like you!." That made my day. but then Brooksie told me that I could do the hot dog dance like Goofy cause I'm tall and look most like goofy. If I was in the Mickymouse Clubhouse. I just got a cool idea, a rescue idea. but just as I figured out how it would work I figured out that the Tour dates were off by a year, and I was out of luck after all.

I'll keep on thinking, After I make my Gingerbread cookies.

gladiator

as I watched the clip, I thought of why Nckelback wrote the perfect song for it, because Rockstars are like gladiators. but being the last one standing is the desired goal. I just put Gavin to bed ad let the kids watch "Surfs Up".h heck, I'm such a nice Mommy, they love me, but it isn't because Daddy is the custodial parent. It is because I am lucky to be alive, I cannot beat them up if I wanted to I chase Lena around cause she thinks that it is fun. But even Brooksie Said,"Cool mom,you can run." I think of "Princess Bride" a little head giggle is supposed to make me happy? I have to benice and reward them ro get then to do what is right. I use the same technique with my Children at church. I give them Jelly beans for doing something good or answering right, then they can eat the bean or put it in the jar. the jar is marked and each marking represents a cool award for the whole class, so hey get to learn a whole lot. I just had to make sure none were diabetic or anything. But they can learn a lot of lessons if they think metaphorically. the idea of giving up what you really want now for something for the whole class is a cool idea. I have to go my daughter is begging me. But I just howed her the T-Rex i Center of the Earth Trailer and she screamed and ran out, now I get to listen to Follow you home. ahh yes, I do love at song. it i good to know I am not the only oe who likes to hotwire cars or tamper with breaks. and I was really shocked to hear that

No More

have decided to stop accentuating parts of myself to be the kind of person that I want to be. I think Regina Specktor had the right idea in the song "On the radio" she said we look inside and take what we love then love what we took, so I am tired of trying to prove that I am ideal for others, enough is enough, some people do think I am perfect for them, why must I win EVERY heart? If I be so desirable, than that it is just going to delight in the plainess and fault filled me that I am. Come what may. If another wants to win my attention is not hard to find me or win my attention. I think of a Morrisey song about bitting the right one and saying "What took you so long?" I would even like it if the desire for my affection created a little compettition. Survival of the fittest. I used to think it was immature to fight over a love, but now I see the value of strength of person not just charachter, after survivng death and beating up my husband, I don't want to be able to overpower another so they must be strong.

My kids are screaming, later.

I had more to say here but do not remember what it was, hmmm. My memory goes in and out, generally out before I get logged back in here. Sorry.

Crud!

I lost the brilliant post aout Boblo Island and the fery ride as a kid, but I also talked about how I noticed that Nickelback is nd my best friend from the Tall BBS ws Hannah, the same frontwards and backwards. I prefer to name things with AH anyway like Sarah and Melissah. Anyway I also like the song by Meatloaf about rear view mirrors and thoug I prefer to look forward, I think looking back brings great wisdom.

When I went to Nashville to ge the kids I saw a Kroeger Sign in Gallatin, a forward thinking property delevopment company no doubt. blah blah. this has been a recap, sorry you missed out on my brilliance, I'm too tired for it now.

Hmmm

I honestly do not remember whar I was dying say something momumental about Boblo Island or the ferryride there, but then I started thinkng about New years eve and then BBKing, then Diabetes, and now I cannot recall what was so *bleep* important. Oh Well.I relied that Nickelback is like Nick and Bachmahh is preferable to end in an put together nd my best friend from the Tal BBS was named Hannah (Only difference is it is spelled the same forward and backwards). It is always perferable to end in Ah if the choice is given. oh, also when I was going to Nashville to pick up the kids I saw a huge Kroeger Sign, for the development of property or something forward tinking. I like to think forwards though I love the Meatloaf song about Rear view Mirrors, and know alot is gainged by thinking back. The End

crud

here i was all worried that he was too young, but he s already getting married in sept 2008. but at least it is to a Marrianne. That has always been my fvorite name in spanish class my name was Marianela. I asked to be Mary Anne but my teacher said I would be Marianela, So be it.

Originally, I started high school in Mchigan and took French, but when we moved down south I had to take Spanish, Then at Ole Miss I studied German. I still like German best, but speak Spanish the best, oh well. I wanted to go to Tia Juana when I was in San Diego, but didn't cause they sid it would be too dangerous for me, as if I didn't live the ghetto in Washington for years. Jim said he wouldn't even visit me there, the neighbor kids keyed "Volvo" in my car. Oh well, they were learning to spell, glad I could help.

I guess it was never meant to be again perhaps I should stop giving up so easily, but Nick really loves me and so does Brandall. I do not have room for another obsession unless he will come rescue me. hence is not married, but heck I'm even Married, in word only. Nick was shocked and said that s Brandall respected me he wouldn't write such mean and untrue things to me, but I figure there has to be a valid reason for after three years of divorce threats & legal Seperation, we aren't divorced. My guess is that he is a loser, can't do anything right, but I give him the benefit of the doubt.

Chad Kroeger!

Ok, heres ow my obsession started. I was looking for music for Nicholas, when I kept finding stuff by nickleback, I thought, man I really like them and they are pretty insightful, too. mind you I generally steer clear of pop icons like Rob Thomas or Daniel Bedingfield, though I did like them alot, I was not a fanatic like I was about Adam Durit* , Tal Bachman, or Kevin Montgomery. but the more I loked at pictures of Chad the more obsessed I became, till I just had to learn all I could. That is quite alot.

then I told Nick what I was doing and why I wasnt paying him as much attention. he refuted that He was not perfect, cause I said he was. I replied that it was only physical perfection. I am sure he has alot of flaws, like all Rock Stars, that is why I must know more. I think, gosh I know now that there are two types of love, one that is immediate and one that is lasting. I have been upset because people in movies fall in love but I dont. I find something and then turn it into love, ometimes it doesnt work.

oh crud. I have so much to say, but mostly I just have to say that he is beautiful, I dont care if he would never likeme it doesn't matter, Im not being realtic anyway. The song from enchanted says that most good comes from imagining what isnt until it is. I really liked what Regina Spektor said too but Ill save that for another post, right now I need to just goto sleep thinking about all of the impossibilities and how life would be any differnt if things were possible, maybe a good idea for a song!

He must be retarded

I wrote a nice letter to Brandall and he wrote back Aqusing me of tons of things like being insane and a bad mother,witha whole lot of swear words. which I am not sure he even got the meaning right. He doesn't get much right though, so I must give him a break.

I feel soory for him though because he is so petty, and especially with real, true, eternal things. one day he will be sorry, I will be sorry for him even if God treats him fairly. I think he might be retarded, and can't understand alot of things, even when hey are explained. it must be frustrating to have everything in your ife blow up and be a failure. I really hoped to change tha, but instead I just became a scapegoat. I was sick and was wrong to take offense or try t o prove him false, though nothing he says makes a whit of sense, my mom set the proper example, just indulge him, agree, sure everything is my fault. He couldn't keep a steady job because I am insane.his first marriage failed cause I am insane, His lawyer doesn't return his calls because I am insane, Everything in his life has fallen apart and he was evicted because I am just sorry and insane. I only hope to rescue tose children from him downward spiral.

I certainly hope he isn't judged the way he judges other though. He simply cannot help it. Further I hope he islucky and he neverhas a sickness like I did. I am not sure he would survive, infact much tells me that he wouldn't.

Now youmay think that I am being faceietious in writting tis, but I am not. I only have to vent my frustration to a non person, if I am going to maintain to him that Iam insane. If I talk to too many people they will know that I am sane and fine, and he will loose all of his effort in trying to prove me mentally insane. I even went to Several psychiatrists/psyhologists who gave me tests upon test all proved I was fine and improving. so they sent me to a pysical doctor, something that I have needed for a long time, but was neglected for Brandal's job hopping, I had no insurance. the Doctor said that I had made significant improvement, though I might not think so. He said that it was unlikely that I would iprove, and to cut my losses, but mom did not agree, and I am still making improvements. I will not be physically handicapped, I will run and sing again, it is just going to take alot of effort and determination.

I got an idea for a movie yesterday, I think I will write it as a book first. It is about a famous person who based all of their fame on a non-permanent part like a tongue. and then they try to find every method they can to communicate, and everyone tries to guess what he means, and they are all wrong. Everyone assumes he is suffering depression because of his loss. But then he figures out a plan, to speak through words and music, in having another sing for him. It has a somewhat happy ending, it isn't a love story or is it? hmmm

Mad Sister

Original Movies

Summary

Song

Nicholas

ok, I decided that Even though man's time isn't God's time, I have given Brandall enough time to win me over, but he never did. I have learned that really it is true that when you place faith in something true it is an active force, and makes things happen, miracles. Faith requires overcoming alot of fear, like in the Indiana Jones movie about the leap of faith. but putting alot of faith in something that isn't true, no matter how much fear you overcome it will do no good. Likewise I have put enormous amounts of faith in Brandall to no avail. I'm done.

In conference, there was a talk about how we put up wallsaround our hearts. I guess the idea is to protect something we cherish, but instead it makes thingsharder all-around. The spirit doesn't tear down walls and shout, but asks politely in a whisper to let us in.

Anyway, I thought that in regards to letter that I got. and this video:



Anyway, I have decided that I never really loved Brandall and he knew it, so he divorced me. He was trying to do what was right, and recognising it helps me be free to go after what really matters. I have decided that I really like Nick, and I might be quite a bit scared of him, I want to learn more of him even if it means rejection. Love is worth it.

Movies

I've seen Mr. Magoriums Wonder Imporium, Never Was, 10,000 B.C., x-Men, X-men 2, and the newest Stargate movie.

Movies

I've seen Mr Magoriums Wonder Emporim, Never was, 10,000 BC, Mariposa, X-men, X-men 2, and the newest Starfate Sg-1 Movie.

Without someone

two of my favorites!

This reminded me of a song that I wrote years ago named "Only God Knows"

"When you close your eyes
and lift your heart to god
What do you hear?
What do you say?
Do you think of me when you pray?"

Bedingfield mania

Wow!

Enchanted

It was a good movie, I guess alot of people will like it because they are Patrick Dempsey fans. The highlight for me is the fact that the singer in the ball room was John McLaughlin. I notice it right away, then there was a Carrie Underwood video at the end which was good.

i talked to Nicholas today and decided that I would like to get to know him, regardless of what Brandall does. I am building asolid relationship, one that I intended and is meaningful and on purpose.

March Madness

I finally got to see August Rush, and realied how muchof a freak that I am, I had a dream about the heavens and harmonics and each celestial symbol represented a cadence. I thought it was so weird when I woke up, but it made sense in my sleep and I'm accustomed to not knowing what the heck I'm talking about. i used to do it all of the time at an engineering seminar. I just learned few vocabulary words and used themalot, not knowing what or if I even meant something, especially about Atomic absorbtion, now I knew enough about paper chromatography to toss around concepts, like I did when I wrote a research paper about Beethoven's Immortal Beloved the movie, which I had never seen, but I dwelled largely on the movie madeus and tlked alot about the other historical fictions that I was familiar with. I got the only A in the class, mostly because of my reputation for being a good sudent, what I couldn't say oe know was supplied by the reader in my behalf.

I have had so many similar situations with the internet. like now I'm listening to the song "Soulmate" by Natsha Beddinfield and it remonds me of many lyrics I wrote thinking that If they could be heard by the right person, Something magical would happen! because I thought that it would put me in the spotlight. Plus, I believed fully that by being in the right place at the right time, like August Rush believed, that I would be read and understood. well, Everyone I tried to marry I met that way online, then, one lady told me her story, she said tht it was vry importnt that I understnd her,at last I do. She warned me that I would fall in love with traits that I love, but they were not the whole, that ws the mral to her life. I find the moral to my life story in that of Eve. he could've lived forever in a perfect placebeing always happy, but instead gave it up so that she would know how good things seem when you want them.

my life has been nearly perfect, but I was oblivious to it, for that reason I am glad to have been made so low through divorce, illness, etc. now if I ever got a similitude of my oldlife back,I would apprecite it all the more, whereas I never pprecited mny things, but the ones tht I couldn't have. I'm still working on learning to want what I have it is sort of like my last big step.

I think that I will mold my heart to what my mind says, cause my heart wants to be with Brandall but it is obvious to my mind that he doesn't want me and I and all my family would be happier if I just moved on.

But, I was listening to the Blue October song "Sorry hearts" and it made me think that it was observed for other reasons, yet my conclusion is tht we all wnt to be perfect but fall short nd so feel sorry. I just hve to sort out why I ought to ignore my heart's constant warning to love Brandall, though it makes no sense.

7:57 PM 3/11/2008

What if...

I got to thinking about how different the world would be if people chose to do differently than was intended, if things were intended. For instance, what if Eve decided not to eat the fruit? or Peter not to deny Christ or CHrist not to suffer for all mankind? let alone all the little things like my parents, what if mom decided not to marry dad?

This thought was caused by thinking about Lost SEason 1, and my children. I wonder if that is why Heavenly Father wants us to stay together, I had my children though, and I love Brandall he just won't love me, so I give up, I think sometimes the reason he married me was because of the uniqueness of me not giving up when anyone in their right mind would. I love Nick and He loves me, End of story. I believe that we would be happy together. anyday, I don't even have to be told that I'll get it, like the sernoMaybe I married Brandall as preparation. Everyone keeps tellingme that they know Heavenly Father loves me. I know that, too, but why won't he just send an angel or something? I really want to do what is right, I am willing to endure great and terrible things, it just seems un fair sometimes, that's why I think the adversary must have some claim. I think of Job, and how Satan tried to tempt him, but he stood firm, amid everythig. I think of Martin Harris alot and how he plans of God will not be frustrated, so if I fail, things will still happen as they should nothing depends on me, but for my sake anyway. Well, I would trade mortal happiness for eternal blisshat then? It seems to me that I will still have everything I wanted or planed for in this life.

right now there are many obstacles in my way, but that It couldbe a destination is very conforting. I just wish Brandall would tell me that he knows that he should divorce me.then I would know what to do. I certainly don't want to mess with the eternal plan of things. I need to have more hope and walk by faith. Everythings going to be alright, somehow. It just doesn't change my current anguish.

Thank you for the music!

Requiem for a dream music on piano

New Order Day

Contact

I wrote a very long post here then lost it! Urrrgh! Mostly I just felt the need to comment on various thoughts about themovie, but you'll never know now. I really liked the part where she said, "Words cannot describe. They should've sent a poet. it's so beautiful" and the part where Palmer says that Science and religion are both ultimately looking for the same thing, truth. then Ellie grips his hand. That is so cool!

Contact

I have watched and rewatched this movie and am constantly impressed with ow it circles the trials of my life so perfectly.

It helped me to see clearly what I shoulddo and what to rely on. It was a beautiful way to present theidea that I had been learning abot how belief is much stronger than science, but for the first time, I was able to not focus on the injustice of it all, or the reasons Ellie gives for seeking truth. I aske, well why is this theway it is done?

I have always had questions but never just one that over powered my life to theextent that hers did hr, it was why shewas selec.ted to make contact. I am a constant mess of science vs, what I feel. re wtching the movie was just the thing to me. I was impressed ow she said,"It's so beautiful, hey shouldve sent a poet, no words can describe" She obviously felt at a loss to convey. I understand that loss. There are many things that I fell and wuld like to say, but do not know how, the words aren't known to me.

I think that right now being Brandall's wife is the hardest thing, so I must turn it into astrength, so that I cannot stumble so again. By being constant Like Ellie was it will open other doors. For various reasons I know that God is aware and wants me to choose this path, even though it doesn't make sense and cannot be explained to others, yet, I must be constant despite whatever kind of struggle will face me. I can expect miracles if it is the right thing to do and there will always be away for me to do it.

Last week awoman spoke of loosing her spouse to death and her struggle to fel as she thought. That is my trouble and why my words can misrepresent me. I understand better than I feel. I know many things, but wait to feel them. I think this is the case with Brandall. I kno that I love him, but I do't feel anything from him, nor hae I ever, but that is not my fault, when a man ditches you when you are extremely sickmt is not to be taken li.htly, but I do take it such

Frickin Brilliant! or Brickin Frlliant.

suicide viable solution?

these videos will probably help others, but they don't apply to me. I'm not a teenager, and No one does undrstand. I went through therapy and everything. all people can say is that I should be fine, WEll, I'm not.

I juswant to make progress. the thing that keeps me from killing myself is my belief in God, that I will be held accountable, there is no way to redo or escape, I don't like my struggle, but I won't give up and let Satan win. I just want to Know something. I am tired of believing. I watched that stupid DNA vs. the BoM video, but was entirely unimpressed with science. I am a withering flower, I need my nourishment! If my husband would quit being an idiot I would be ok.

I need to take charge of my own life, everyone else is messing it up. urrrgh! that makes me want to quit. I don't even know what I can do. there must be something.

truth

Joseph Smith

I posted more about how science cannot argue with faith. learning is good, but cannot yet explain thing which are known, yet there are alot of secret truths which are not yet known.

Brandall, what?

Yes, I have a lot of Brandall related thoughts, sorry.

My children were just visiting me, how nice, huh? Brandall wrote me a horrible messsage in which he was very mean. but Ironically Peter Pan had sent me a vase of Flowers for Valentines day.

Today I had two thoughts.
I asked Lena what she would do, Move to Nashville or Utah, She said Nashville wiithout waiting today, but then I asked her why, she said that I belong with Daddy. He has a ring just like mine for when we got married. But she wanted me to take her to see Utah. Then I told her that Dddy didn't like me though, whih really should even be a concern of hers. So she explained simply, to get a new house and ask daddy if he wants to come and he doesn't hate me he will come. Brilliant child! anyway, I got to thinking, well, techincally there is more to a marriage tham living together. Charlote's web Wilbur said, "I think there is more to being friends than just living in the same place." So, I need to figure out what is more important beng in love or making my children happy, why can't they be the same thing?

I watched a movie about Joseph Smith, and was impressed that he felt the same way about the Gospel as I do about men, there's got to be an answer for me there. I thought to take what was good from everyone to mae the idea of the man I was looking for then I'd know when I met him, instead of trying to convince myself to be happy with whomever I choose. Cause even while Brandall was giving me computer parts, they weren't his in the first place and I bet it wasn't even his idea to give them to me.
I thought, but Utah Boy really loves computers just like me, and he would be perfect for me. Still I tend to give Brandall the benefit of the doubt because He has oenly acused me of being over analytical, so maybe I ought to take things at face value, he is supposedly simple and dumb, anyway, maybe I am looking too deeply for reasons. Maybe he just really does love me. though I see no reason for it. I know that God previously on every account has remained constant in telling me that Brandall is the one for me, enter my strangest idea of all time, referred to as "My seceret" in my poetry. I think I would fall in love completely with others like Peter Pan, which would be determental to my purpose. I am just being given what I ask for after all. It wasn't expected that I would need to fall in love yet, plus, there are plenty of songs, stories, examples that teach about failure in love before finding the right one, and again, with everything else I have done, it is becommming popular to get divorced and idolized as courageous, or something equally stupid, in an attempt to make what is good for one person, good for the cookie-cutter of all people.

I just figured out that I am perfect the way I am, and the best advice that I ever got was that I would be attracted to many others desirious of qualities they posesed yet it would not be the whole. once again, I think that is alot like the Gospel. I need to study that out to find my answer.

beauty

I finally figured it out, andfound peace and it was free. sort of.
because I had the video of LIttle women, and I read the teachinga of Jesus again, they are wonderful! I found such happiness in his teachings, it was like truth that I had beenliving and wanted to be completely for years, clicked. mostly hesaid that even in greatness Solomon couldn't be as beautiful as the ravens or flowers. I think that God is mindful of me and I ought not to worry about my appearance, anything lacking will be taken care of my the Lord.

Little women pointed out several times that true beauty is a mind and eyes, not the nose or face. I really oaidattention to how they valued for most practical reasons the value of brilliance. I picked out two quotes:

THere is more to you than this, If you have the courage to write it...

and

"her blessings become a burden because she couldn't share them with anyone."

I feel such peace and release, I will just learn moreand obey what I know to be good, and be ths rewarded.

Think on this

How old are you?


Weird stuff in the mail. Brando Signature...

Tuesday

1) my husband
2) skills
3) ideas
4) music
5) movies
6) good friends
7) prayer
8) ability to believe
9) dreams
10) a healthy body

Things to ponder:

1) why do we CRY unto God from our closets?
2)What would you do if you could do anythng?
3) Which is more powerful love or money?

6 Degrees = Global disaster?

It makes me think of the frog in the kettle, or the movie "the Blob" it seems sensational enough to make a great story, but I think that if people are prepared for the changes they'll be fine. I think it it pretty normal for the Earth to change.

Leave a Legacy

More Confessions

Dashboard confessional

no, thi isn't EMO. just thought about the truth of it, Killing some time. oops.

you tube defined

youTube is like a situational dictionary. it is to communicate or understand by representing in video each situation that occurs in our minds, now we have the tools to communicate volumes online.

If the analogy of words helps use it, itwill help you understand why I post so many videos. I guess I could just use words to represent a situation and string them out to e read, but at times a video just hits me so and I think, it is too perfect,Like Mozart's music, nothing needs to be changed or added it is perfect in itself.

I like to speak in videos, whic is funny because they use words. i particulrly like to speak in music. i guess that's what opera does. when I was a kid I would imagine eac instrument being a person, and a symphony was delightfu to hear them all talk, in the movie Amadeus, Mozart (tom hulce, actually) said that it can only be done in opera, in any other occasion multiple voices at once just make noise.

I think it is natural to want to put poetry to music. that is how I taught my sisters everything. And I gave my daughters a cd for a present, cause I wanted to teach them princiles, that were in a song, if they listen they will memorize and it will always be with them. Music has touched me and savedme when voice alone or words alon couldn't do the trick, look at Music Therapy. or the popularity of Morrissey ok, bad examle. I know that i'm not normal,neir popular, nor is morrissey, but I used him to demonstrate how beautiful words become when sung.

One of my bestfriends loved his voice, but quoted his lyrics all the time andalways fund occasion. I personallynever caredfor his voice until after yrears spent listening to him, now it is familiarity that I love. I must also admit that upon first listen, I hated Daniel Beddinfield's voice, but I love hissongs so I listen.

Now,back to youtube, i think peole are wiser, may it is just me, but now lyrics have to say something, if you read comments on you tube or look for your favorite artist everyone finds a different clip or situation to attach it to. The comments are always about the lyrics fitting nicely or not, but there are alot of things where people just interact with out song, Cartoons, sockpupets, interviews, movies, etc. They all help to define our video language.

I couldn't communicate with out their help right now. but never fear, someone has spent hours slaving over trying to make a certain point and my only job is to direct the viewer to it to make my point. I am a babe in the use of this new langugage, but I enjoy learning it. plus, I am thankful for he outlet. I was stuck, like a bird in a cage for too many years, trying to make things work. but now I can run in the woods, er fly I mean, an

hmmmm.... alot to think about here

Time for complete honesty.

Honesty iseasy online, cause you just shut of the comuter and walk away, perections and all, and no judgement is ever as true or harsh as real ones. almost everything can be masked or irnored, I've had great teachers there. This life is about avoiding immediate condequence, but I know that it will cme there is no escaping it.

ok, in real life I would never admit t this, but when I appear in deep thought about somethng and others wonder what i'm thinking, am thinking about what I lok like I am thinkimng, and try to think of smething that will never be guessed.

Lately I have seriously considered

Time out for another movie. OH! this one makes me mad, too, another love triangle or nt really that, but where a girl gets sick and gets to die instead of having to choose a love, I guess that's The popular opinion as to how it should go. It hasn't helped me one whit, I just want to know what someone else thinks the proper thing to do is, hen I could judge, but I only see that no one dares to make a choice only recognoize the trouble of trying to decide between loves, s hey choose death, too. The first movie, 1970's version of wuthering heights, Catherine just decided to die, so I guess I could chpose that, but why that seems foolish, I won't make that choice. I've come too far.

I have learned that there really are no bounderies, i can love anyone I just need to commit to it. But it is so hard when I have so may good choices. it is alot like music. today I realized that I like too many song, not juast like, that word isn't strong enough, but it is a curse, I admire people who are loimited in their influences or goals. they keep focus, me? I just flop around doing what suits my fancy and expect to progress somehow? It seems insane.

I promised to love Brandall nd could never have foreseen his change of mind, but itsall good. just proves a natural priciple that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch, but I think a bit or promises kept would do me good. I want to know tha somethings are permanent. Even my health was unpredictable. first I was heathy, hen BOOM! I was going to die of some rare condition, then BOOM again I'm healthy and recoverying nicely.

one or the other

That is a good title for a song yet written,
Eternally I sttrugle between two, do I love one or the other, who am I? one or the other. I guess I will continue to try to find delight in having a choice, but I really would just rather not have a choice but in so doing I would have to surrender to the one or the other. I think that was supposed to be my lot in this life, i bet love was the reason behind the selfish desire to take our choices away. I will win the war if I but recognize the gift and opportunity, against all odds placed before me, but isn't that a choice to avoid being trapped. I wager that somewhere in my being I can recall old feelings and stir up a sort of rememberance to know the truth of my fictions. I am not a grand delusion, but a captivating truth, made to struggle only a moment to win the war, so I must be willing to act out of ignorance and accept trials in hopes of remaining true to what I am.

This sums up lot of my ideas!

cool!

just look how far you've come

For Brooksie

she loves this song!
I like it because I have a theory that I can still find love even without eerything I thought made me special like Ariel's voice. She did get it back though. like the Cinderella 3 movie, too. Cinderella wins love without the help of magic. If I'm still alive I just need to find another aproach because I can't depend on my singing and looks anymore, though they might come back with time and determinaion.

Anyway, Enjoy the song, I'm putting it here so Brooksie can see it when she comes over, her ousin Anna will like it, too.

please watch!

Beautiful disaster

Scarlett - Tera

Why I love Blogs

Well, I have always been a huge fan of keeping memories and journals, but I like blogs better because the little bit of effort required. It spoils me really, the ease of it all. And the fact that you can say things that you know will be read, so you can secretly say things wiith out directing your comments to anyone. also it becomes evidence of who you are, to prove that you infact thought such and such on such and such day before you even met this other person who claims you are copying them all the time. I guess I could've said it nore succinctly by saying it clears up the "great minds" theory. Clearly great minds do think alike, this is proof.

August Rush

Take two.

I'll see if I can remember, I haven't seen the movie yet, but in the trailr it is shown that people believe that music has a power, I'm not alone in that thought. I think that if I just write the best song then brandall will love me, all of my best songs were written in hopes of being heard, because I felt the need to get my thought, though masked in verse, out.

But that song "the way" by Daniel Beddingfield sums up how I feel on several levels, but mostly how I have been honest, but wrong. I meant it when I said that I loved Brandall, but I changed, and he chose to not change with me. I could've been everything perfect for him, and I believe there is a song there, if I just had an ounce of drive like the kind Columbus had.

I also was thinking of a girl in a story who missed the point. It was in a fable I wrote about these kids finding a meadow and the guy picking fowers and the girl got upset because they were going to die. It is true that the Flowers would die, but they were the luckiest, because they were created for the purpose of bringing joy to others, not just to live. The other flowers got to live, but it was already beautiful there.

August Rush

Though I haven't seen it yet, thre trialer suggests something dear to me. most of my best music was written it a silly attempt to communicate. I have a belief, even the other day I thought. If I could just write the right song and let Brandall hear it, he would love me. but I'm mising the point. kinda' like the little girl in my story who is so upset about someone killing the beautiful flowers that she misses the point that they have a beauty to be shared, it is their purpose,not to live. I don't actually love Brandall, like another song by Daniel Beddingfield. I meant it, but then I changed. or rather he choose not to change with me. I could've evolved into the perfect wife for him, but He dumped me instead. a song there? could be. probably could touch alot of confused hearts, too. But I don't have the drive like Columbus did.

I need to rest. Tomorrow is another day (Southern acent accentuated purposely) the ither day someone asked who ought to play me. I've never tried to cast myself before. I said Sigorny Weaver., but later tld my mom Vivian Leigh, I could think of someone better probably though. mom said Vivain Leigh can't play you, She's dead. hmmmm.... I think Juliet Binochette

Thought power

I'm not going to guide your thoughts today, but here are topics:

1) Reformation Vs. restoration
2) Crying unto God takes energy
3) the Sword is the only offensive part of God's Armor
4) everything exsisted in spirit before it was physical
5) our bodies even the cruelest one is a blessing, and all blessings are predicated...

Just something to feast on if you have spare time.

cool! Where did it all come from?

http://cosmicfingerprints.com/

every child knows, but even science in its greatness cannot answer.
Makes me think of the movie "Contact".

Brilliant - Where did the universe come from?

http://cosmicfingerprints.com/

Something every chld knows, yet scientists still are baffled

An answer

crud, this was all lost!

to sum it up again, i have against "My" better judgement decided to trust in God and trust my heart and my prayers. THey say to love Brandall which thing seems impossible to me. But I will do that which I am commanded. Plus, I did make a promise and must keep it even if things get tough, at least I don't have to steal someone's sword and chop their head off and dress in their clothes. or live for years in the wilderness.

I chose Brandall and must stick with my choice because it is the right thing to do and I do believe we can know and do what is right.

a super-incredlble (invisible) post

Could not connect to Blogger.com. Saving and publishing may fail.

my love you are dead

I was thinking alot about the song anout love and death.
I concluded that is it is so common in song and story b/c it is the foremost on minds, lot of people want to believe Love is eternal, so they create all kinds of representations for it. One of my good friends tried to convince me that religion is created by men, like other art. to answer all such mortal questions, but that seems quite wise but for the fact that it doesn't explain how a promise can be made that you will feel something in your heart.Rea; wisdom, mystery etc, cannot be understood by ntural eyes, but it understood in our hearts, not the muscle that pumps blood, but that part of us that is a hero and is far older and capable of knowin thing that for now require vast amounts of faith, but also demnstrate the greatest happiness.


for Example. it was a long time comming, but Though i like sex, like I like food, some better than others, it will not determine my actions. i am no rat in a cage who obeys my desire for cheese. then what? it is the most revealing question I ever asked my self. It will teach you where you are going and why. I don't want sex. I just don't want to be alone, and so I used it to get my eternal marriage, then what?

Well, i got dumped years later, and a happy family later cause it wasn't founded on lasting priniples