F ram

The way I hear it pronouced most commonly sounds like something in a computer that can mess up and need to be fixed or replaced. You know, the F Ram.

I am so fascinated by the two house theory and information it is like a link that makes ideas that I made up fit with others I have been taught about things like tally sticks, etc.

Ok, but, now to the meat and potatoes of my question that  engenders a healthy curiosity  why is a house named Ephraim? 

I do not have a lack of great answers/solutions, and without ever considering it which I dare to say most humans have not, one would assume Ephraim was one of Judah's brothers... more thinking inserted here...

Sign of the dove?

The sign of the dove was instituted before the creation of the world, a witness for the Holy Ghost, and the devil cannot come in the sign of a dove.

The Holy Ghost cannot be transformed into a dove; but the sign of a dove was given to John to signify the truth of the deed, as the dove is an emblem or token of truth and innocence.

I had truly thought alot about that and am glad to have it clarified.

Quick thoughts with no where to belong until now

I bet it took God a while to become merciful towards his children cause he was expecting obedience. Or, as mortal parenthood conditions even the sweetest of spirits to lash out at constant bad behavior.
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I am feeling manipulated, odd. But, I am noticing several ideas that had no origin until now. They are very good ideas, just wondered what created them. Even having them made me feel such depth of character that would require drawing from a much different pool of experience, and so it appeared to others. We have all heard the comment of how someone displayed an attribute that seemed beyond their sphere. The most popular phrase that comes to mind is "from the mouth of babes." I always knew things that were only just being discovered by great scientists and philosophers. I just figured it was common for a Mormon child. My philosophy instructor, in college, inquired how I had such a deep understanding of things. To him it was obvious. I just said, "It is cause I am Mormon." He inquired further, so I explained that with so much opposition I had to know what I believed and why.

But, then, one day in the hall at church, I was 40, and surrounded by LDS Scholars, a woman said, " how do you know so much?" She said that it was like I had a surpassing the norm understanding of everything. So, I thought about it for a long while. I decided that it was my parents who taught me everything in FHE when it seemed that I wasn't paying attention or old enough. I also. Used to listen to my parents discuss things, very deep and intellectual things when they tjought no one was listening. But, this is different. It comes in waves of concentration, I doubt I could endure a long term exposure to such ideas. It is alot like actually swimming in a deep pool. 

For a stress and rescue class in SCUBA my teacher had us swim underwater the length of the pool without our air tanks, like it was a race them, we were to return and put them on. My teacher took liberty to remove our regulators so when we swam back, most panicked the and darted to the top for air, but I noticed my regulator was gone, BUT the air was still there, so, I took my breath syraight from the tank. The air actually cut my lips, but I did not come up and my teacher panicked. Just to find that I could take more I guess, being underwater did not cause me to loose my wits.

Now, I need to share one of the influencial thoughts. It is on the nature of love and how through it we can learn to combine the physical and spiritual, but they are not naturally the same thing. I was so proud of this thought and considered it original until this morning I read someone else coming to the same conclusion only they had earned it. It was just given to me.

I realized that I could not claim this thought as my own anyway. I had read it somewhere else and thought nothing of it, like most of my peers in a western civilizations class. The reading assignments were long but so formative, I was so glad that I had read them, and got upset that very few others even read it, it was obvious through their behavior that the ideas had no life in them. I was soooo greatful for them, and my professor and his thick Norwegian accent. You know, I doubt he ever even knew what a profound effect his choice to become a teacher and find and assign the reading to us., but who knows? Maybe he did.

So, I had read a thing someone rambled on about what love was...booooring. heard that before, do not care, but somewhere that "idea seed" took root (or as Berlioz called it a idee fixe).

What is influencing you?

I loved this, by Emily Brönte:
"My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Healthcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being."

2 things

Just a random 2 things shoved into my immediate attention as worth considering.

1)love
2)since I can't remember 2 I'll mention sizes, cause why not.

Love, um, well. It should be a thing that is understood, just one word but so many different meanings that it gas almost become hard to recognize at all.

Ideally, no matter what we consider loce it is found in a developing relationship that starts as a fondness for being around to an all out chemical/hormonal war with your senses before settling into a peace or comfort of belonging.

I did not recognize what I feltvas love, so I called it obsession, although the feeling has not changed the object has. And I decided tonight to call it love. It us a strong feeling, the strongest I have ever known when I want them to be happy,  and do what is right despite what consequences it may have on me. I recognized it as joy when I ought to have been heart broken thinking a choice had been made that had absolutely nothing yo do with me. I was not mad at all. I was not hurt. I was nothing but entirely happy that a person was happy cause afterall  that was what I wanted all along. I had been lead to believe that if you love someone and they love you, that brings joy, but I felt joy in loving someone although they were oblivious to me, and I liked it.

What was different was tonight I thought, "oh, come on, really, on a base untainted level you want to be loved, but no. I don't. I truly don't. It is love, another kind of love that goes beyond well-wishing or fondness or even a selfish desire for reciprocated attention.  If you have felt it and wondered what it was, you were like me and dared not call it love because you are not legally married to them and it woukd be wrong to "love" someone orher than your spouse, right? Well, it is love.

One time, on Seasame Street, Elmo is jealous of a baby and asks the mother if she has to love everyone else a little less to love the baby. The mother's name was Gina. Gina explained that love is almost an unlimited capacity for us all. The more we have to love the more our ability grows. This is inversely true, too. I am discovering. Meaning, that the more capacity we recognize within ourselves the more opportunities we seize.

Remove an e and seize becomes size (corny segue, huh?)

Size.

Along the way

One of tge reasons people love before and after along with "where are they now?" stuff is because we tend to showcase a portion of the story and make is glamorous and end happily, but what about what Paul Harvey said, "the rest of the story..." I also want to toss out "In the Middle" by Jimmy Eats World and Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling.

I don't have time right now, but want to say something I thought about that cute chubby kid.

Not a scam

It has been used to convince that there is no Christ, like there is no Santa, by saying that all the miracles that happen in your life are caused by others. Well, duh!

The whole idea is that we learn to live like Jesus would and serve one another. That was always intended. We tell little children that Santa may not do everything, everywhere, and so he needs helpers. I say this is the same thing with Christ only he doesn't need us to serve one another because he cannot do it himself. The fact that another person caused your miracle does in no way diminish the reality of God. He always intended for us to love and serve on another. It is infact, so important to him. He NEEDS us to be his hands and he sent his son to be an example to us in hiw we should act toward one another. But, if that is not enough, he also gives us the same power that He has called the priesthood so that we could perform all the wonders he expects of us, his children.

One of the best things I was told by a friend who was assigned to the same host family in Switzerland was, "well, it is really sad when you realize it, and it almost seems unfair. But, the way we are exoected to live boils down to us or you (Cathloics or Mormons) because despite how doctrines make you feel, either the priesthood never left the earth and was handed down through Peter like the Bible says, or it needed to be restored, and your church says that Peter actually came back and gave the priesthood again, weird." It is obvious what she believed, and one could not help but respect such knowledge from a 14 yr old. And that is why I believe that it was also intended that there were many faiths to teach truths how and where ever they might grow.

I researched for a lesson I gave one summer in Provo, UT. about how part of our duty as being born members of this church is not to abolish what is good, but to gather it in. Because I quoted from scholars and such, like Einstein, my words were mocked and made fun of, until I quoted Brigham Young, then they listened and I realized that was a power and authority given to prophets. Not, to be greater knowers or even sayers of anything different, but as a mouth piece of God there is more to what they say than the words themselves.

Wisdom that accompanies age

Often, I have thought deeply about the things that songs were about, but it was never the facet that drew my attention in the first place..

But, I am much older. Because I am aware of things that younger people are not, yet. I wonder if the song writers from when I was younger were far beyond what I was in my level of comprehension, cause the songs that are popular now are quite deep, something that someone more my age would think.

More, have I to say, but later...

Let me get this right

Some of the things I believe define what makes me crazy, but they only make me crazy if someone else thought them first and decided to call them crazy because they were not commonly reasonable, further if you have uncommon thoughts and put them in a public place you are not called crazy, but a great thinker.

This is all screwy, it frustrates me like IQ tests.

The preferred methods

In short, I am learning that usually the most appealing, thus preferred object or means ends up being the most regrettable. Acordingly, people live for tomorrow trying to imagine what they would like in the future.

An extremely common scenario would be a boy who prefers to sleep in or skip classes to party when their vocation is being taught, and in the time they might have practiced and perfected their craft, instead they played video games. Before you get up in arms defending the need of things like sleep and fun, or start to list the advantages of playing video games, I want to point out that I did not say they had free time, but used time that was ear marked for something else. They might feel happier, but in the long run, they will not be able to support a family or even continue their habit, unless they ecpect to be alone, which the very existance of man dictates otherwise.

What started this was my noticing preparations made by home owners for soon expected snow. And I thought, crap I missed out entirely on that home owni g experience, cause I was pregnant and looking for the most preferable option when looking for a place to live. This place required no initial work (like my first house), was ready to move in, and had no yard to maintain. Even a stake president once told me his home owning horror story explaining that rentals or condos were the way to go.

Still, I feel like I am missing out on so many things that would be great for my family and would teach responsibility.

Nuture

WARNING: This is not a common philosophical debate attempting to assert how one attains their nature, rather it is a journaling accounts of my discovery.

It started while I was musing about the monarch in England and how she might have lacked types of nurture, but every single genius did. I almost think it tampers with or ruins divine nature.

I noticed in college that my skills were transformed into a lesser ability and especially in terms of my compositions. Oddly, I noticed that I naturally followed all of the rules I was being taught. I think someone was great and they were analyzed and mimicked and so we all copied so that one could be taught to create in a like manner, but to learn to create like someone else, I had to give up my own skills.

It was very interesting to me that some peers who attended school with my father took the "rules" we all were learning to create great symphonic works and "taught"them to a computer who could spit out "perfect"compositions, but they were not pleasing. Think on that.

But, I was thinking about a particular instance this morning when my friend, Robert, commented on how "cosmicaly aware" I was. And it has been thought fodder on occassion.

This morning I figured the reason I felt so completely unaware of the world around me was the same thing others like Robert mistook for me being cosmically aware. It is because I was not aware of the same things as almost everyone else around me. And a few people assumed the things I noted were in addition to what they noticed. So, they were in awe of it, but actually, I was a complete moron as to things one ought to notice.

My concluding thought was not to be so upset, it is possible this is a reward or in LDS terminology, a blessing to not be part of the world. Such a thing ought not be unlearned so that I can relearn a lesser way to "see" like everyone else or receive any praise of men, but ultimately know less.

It is ironic that now I think lyrics that others applied originally to the English Royal family it says, "You used to be someone just like me." But, I associate it with the scripture of how it is good to be learned (nurtured), but when men are learned they think they are wise and they forget God and true knowledge.

Recently, I heard it brilliantly explained that we know in more ways than with the five given senses. A quote of a book/movie was given that said that one can only KNOW things with their heart... I could say more, but lack the time. Sorry.

Strangely pensive

Was my thought right that started me on this path of questionable conclusions. I guess that is how extropalting and deducing work, some thoughts are going to be wrong or else everything really is predetermined.

My mental assertion was that for a thing to exist it has an opposite. Sure we appreciate rest because we were busy, sickness, health, ya ya, ok but my favorites are truth and love, so should I be thankful for lies and rudeness? There is a scarier thought that I am not saying, yeah, I thought that, too. :)

Go the distance

I was quite impressed by a little thing my daughter's kindergarten teacher said to explain why she was so behind schedule getting the class to the computer lab. She explained that they were busy doing a thing and she didn't think she should put a premature end to what they were doing when it was almost done.

I have this mindset alot of the time and it is exactly why I do not even start lengthy projects. I do not want to end before I am done simply because my time was up.

On the flip side I think this might account for the actual effect that has been named Mormon Standard Time. Often, I have battled with myself regarding my nature to be there regardless and that whole story someone told me about a man who chose to be clean and be late. They say, "better late than never." But, I wonder at that wisdom sometimes. People set deadlines and schedules intentionally and if you miss the roll call it might mess everything up.

But, that was why I loved what this teacher said. It was like saying, it is better to do something correct than half-baked to fit a silly schedule. I hate it when for instance you start to get fixed up, but do not have time to do it right. You end up looking like you tried and failed, when you skill was exceptional, it was time that you lacked.

Oh, my dad would say that you know the schedule, time doesn't  change,  so do not attempt a thing if you cannit do it well.

Now, in the situation with children it is nearly impossible to budget time properly. So I applaud her decision in this sotuation. I hope it teaches the kids to finish what you start.

Aristocracy

This doctrine of being self sufficient seems aristocratic to me.

It seems that a leader has to be able to do everything by themselves. Man, I wish I haf come back and written what I was thinking.

Personal style

It is funny to notice how fashion seemsvto seemlessly flow from one extreme to the other without unattural jumps. It is a bit like evolution, or a pregnant belly, it changes gradually almost unpercievable hour by hour.

I was in my mid thirties before I felt like styles were matching what I liked. I actually never changed much what I liked, but I noticed I became more acceptable.

But, just as culture became a closer match mow it is moving away again. I think that is why we have "looks" for people of an age.  It is not a matter of physique, but matter of being stuck forever in a style. I will now dress like my grandmother simply because I am old. I still like what I like.

I remember Brandall saying that he preferred classic looks, and so if he found an article of clothing he liked, then he got several of them and appeared to wear the same clothes everyday. I like that.

I sort of do that same thing on a scale. I like an image anf use the same rules to dress everyday. I noticed that for a while everything and everyone seemed to be using the same laws. But we changed it. :)

Nothing

RAt first, I thought I was just realizing I was an idiot, no big deal, sure it hurts but knowing I am not like everyone else is nothing new.

But, it has fallen on me and crushed me wholly. I an grasping for meaning, purpose, et cetera. I am still me and stuff, I am just sick of being what everyone else needs and alone. It is compond because I have been studying the life of Ludwig Van Beethoven and I did not want to believe it, but he was,miserable, and I think, at least I have the Gospel. Do I? It has kept me alive, when I might have been happier dying before my life degenerated so much. I am debating going to try to find a piano to play cause at least I enjoy that.

I am utterly broken. And I am trying to consider why. And am hopeful. Isn't that a pattern? We need to hit rock bottom before sonething amazing occurs...I am imaginging a catastrophy and what is valuable enough to salvage? So far, I can only think of things I have been told to find valuable, not much I actually do.

Better get back to work. Gotta get Mary from school, soon.

Just a bit more...I was reading about John Chilton for FHE, which what I learned there was depressing, but I think they sacrificed and suffered so life would be better for us. But, he had been made a freeman, as a quaker before becoming a separatist.

What really upsets me is a thing that requires my attention, now though cause it has gone too far. Mary was begging to do an activity for FHE. I used to be thankful that Nick let's me do it, but he makes it miserable, and Mary Anne was so excited to do her part, so I let her choose an activity but Nick refused to take any part, typical, I do nit mind, but she does. She said, "but playing board games with your family is fun."but he still refused and said, "It can be." Urrgh! I wanted to explode and say, "This family could have a lot of fun if we had a real father in it, too." but, I only smiled thought it and played the game.  There's a whole lot more here, but I do not intend to tattle.

Job's wife

It started with a song, I was thinking about an idea proprigated in popular culture that loves and learns through stories. The fact that the hero is the first person, the one telling the story.

Pen and teller talked a bit about how magic is possible because man actually believes he can think about more than one thing, when actually, he cannot.

So, if we are seeing things from our point of view then we are the hero.

It always bothers me in terms of news stories and deaths. For example, the movie "The Secret of Nihm". It is a tale told by a mouse, making one sick mouse and a rat or two soooo significant, meanwhile a woman is raped and killed somewhere in an alley and because she is not headlining a movie we do not really concern ourselves.

Another song that I love by Nickleback When We Stand Together suddenly draws attention to soldiers being killed as you complain about your subpar breakfast...and they sing, about how we just turn off the tv and let it happen "over there" and return to what actually matters to us.

I do not know why but the song, "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" felt so self-centered. "..of your plan to make me blue." Hardly, I imagine that was not the motivation of his once was lover. I wonder what we would think if we heard her song. I imagine her singing, "You don't  own me." But, nevertheless it was not intended to cause a pain, just cause it did.

(Brief pause for Wuthering Heights, and a scene in the Ralph Finnes/Juliet Binoche version, where Heathcliff marks a calendar all of the days Cathy spends with him vs. with the Lintons. He says, "It is to show that I DO take notice." She is hurting him, but makes it clear that was never her intent. If he wanted to spend time with her he ought to make such a prospect desirable.)

Ok, on to Job. He is the dude in the Bible whom God granted Satan the power to tempt and ensnare because God  was certain allowing such would not change Job's alliegence. And I was thinking how we all "coin the phrase" that "when it rains it pours", meaning that when one thing goes wrong they all do. That always reminds me of Job. He lost his house, bad. He lost his sons, bad. He lost his health, worse. And his wife died and his closest friends said he just ought to curse God and die, worst. And to me, it has always troubled me that his wife and children are easily replaced to make the ending happy, as if her life was a mere accessory to his.

I wonder what sort of story would be told if Job's wife was the central character. I get this idea not entirely originally either. One of my all-time favorite books was Jane Eyre and so, I had to know the story from the view point of Bertha Mason. That is what makes up the comoanion novel of Wide Sargasso Sea. I only actually read the sunopsis and watched a movie, cause none of it is true, ha ha ha as if Jane Eyre is.

My kids are always asking me if this or that Bible stories are true, too. The answer I give is,very important. And the answer I always give is "We believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it is translated correctly." That actually bothers me, too, but I will save that for another time. I go on to say that regardless if it is factual, the ideas a pure and help us be better people and that matters, and then tell a story I feel confident telling them is 100% true.

I'm a Savior

After helping Mary Anne's class, I had a beautiful experience that I want to write about.

"Weee! It's a miracle!" I imagined as I picked up a squiggley worm that was destined to die unless I intervened.

I was minding my own matters when I saw a sad little worm on the side walk trying to burrow into the cement. I thought briefly of it's struggle and how it was like my own, but I passed and that was that. A few paces away my guilt grabbed a hold of me. " That was a life." But, I saw several dead worms on the sidewalk. This one was alive and struggling. I stopped and turned back. I rescued that worm and resumed my journey then I giggled as I imagined it's suprise, and I realized that no matter how tiny or insignificant that act was it was a carachter builder. It was an indication to me of what I thought people ought to do. They ought to help one another as they can regardless if they ever feel any reward or thanks, but I did imagine a worm family saying thank you because they couldn't find something they needed and harrold worm had set out to find and in the process might have died, but I saved him! I felt good. It was magic to the worm, it could not probably explain how it ended up there. Um, maybe it could, cause it was a busy sidewalk and huge people are fairly common, but being rescued by one is not expected, I bet.

This lead me to consider again, the anonymity of giving and why it is done. I have several answers, but the one I wanted to record was that when the receiver doesn't know who to thank they treat everyone kinder. The anonymous gift increases the net kindness of a society. Hence in "Zion" more gifts are given with no thought for reward.

I had been given great gifts that I purposely did not thank, though. It was because my thanks would be a lesser gift than the one God would give. ..."they have their reward." So, my honest thought was if I do not thank them, they will get a greater blessing in heaven, "God who seeth in private shall reward openly", right?

Time to pick her up.

While walking

I was considering the differences between Joseph and Mary Anne. Both are very intelligent and gregarious, yet Mary is, with all of her boldness, far more reserved than Joseph. When in class, she always is in the middle somewhere or the end, whereas Joe was always in the front. And when exiting the building he ALWAYS held the door.

As I considered this, I fell into deep thought. The cumulation was that with more intelligence first comes what looks like humility, but ultimately, it is just waiting to see what others do because in that wisdom comes the notion that even the smartest thing is not the best thing, and by waiting one sees the consequences of others choices before making their own.

Law of conservation of Love

Love neither is created nor is it destroyed, but is merely transferred. :)

I'll say more later.

And such I would say...

I thought, "hey suppose the world really cared to listen to anything you had to say? Would you really say anything, then?" You bet I would, most of what I say is to the wind, which is to say it us said with no particular destination or audience in mind. But, what would I say if it was intended to be heard/understood?

I would want a conversation, in order to align my comments to what was understood as I am accustomed to, else it would be very cryptic and if understood, likely wrong. That is exactly what I would discuss.

It troubles me how we develop a structure to ideas and thoughts and then fit them to it to determine truth. I do it too, calling it my wall,each brick is well examined before it is allowed to become part of my building. But, hustory is built upon. The best example of what I mean is demonstrated by the work of a people called the Hoffa from the tv show Stargate Atlantis. The people do not start over to solve their problem each time their culture is dessimated by the wraith, they work hard to create the proverbial wheel so that future generations will not have to waste their time doing that. Each generation is able to probe farther than their predecessors to reach a goal. Make sense?

Ok, well, the trouble is that there is no one alive to validate, so a sort of multigenerational faith needs to be. Another way to think of it would be maybe gravity. No one spends time arguing with a physics professor about an equation that includes gravity as a constant, but I doubt he has any personal knowledge of how he knows it is correct. For instance, I was always given a constant number to include for the acceleration of gravity and I never questioned it out loud.

To even communicate with one another we need to agree that certain sounds represent ideas, etc. But take color for instant, we know what everyone refers to as blue, but how do we know what blue really is? Communication takes faith.

I am getting to my issue. Too many people get frustrated when their ideas of truth do not agree, which means not that they are being more reasonable, but value faith in one thing over another.

Kindergarten / death

Likely, I am alone in equating Kindergarten to death, but I still have the same feeling about them, and it isn't the typical remorse.

The reason I even thought this was because I was searching myself to know if I lacked feeling or something, cause sending my kids to kindergarten was not emotional like people say it is.

It is true that I am happy, and a bit excited mixed with anxiety, but I feel the same way I do about seeing a loved one who leaves mortality and goes alone to a place I do not really want to follow yet, but am happy for them.

My children know they can depend on me 100% and the farwell is only temporary. That helps, and makes the walk home very full of conversation!

Pandora / God connection

First off, if God speaks to us through media, it makes sense that he would use music. In fact, I read a quote that says that music carries a message to our hearts.

Also, when we hear of Heaven and angels, they are always singing or in the attitude of doing so.

My thought was about what a miracle Pandora is. I mean, personal radio for each of us. It makes one understand how God could possibly answer so many prayers, like the movie Bruce Almighty poked fun at.

I mean, however they use their gleaning algorithms, I end up hearing just tge right song at just the right time, no matter what time or station. Uncanny and this is just the product of mankind's ingenuity, imagine a God!

Shakespeare and David

I actually do not know why I hadn't seen it earlier, it seems obvious that David was to the tribes of Israel, more particularly, the house of Judah, what Shakespeare represents to us. That is why I love the story told in the movie "Anonymous" so much.

Oh, really?

I was interrupted from trying to think things through by this thought:

"The more one judges, the less one loves.”

― Honore de Balzac

And I must comment before I have any good thoughts.  If this is the case, the judgement must not be a correct one, as it does not involve love. So, if you judge someone liveable then it must paradoxically not be true.

Space elevator

Today, I was thinking about the possibility of an elevator to outerspace and it is reasonably possible, and yet people assume it is impossible, regardless of the science that proves it. It harkens the memory of a tower of Babel. I am sure it was foremost in your  thoughts when you read the title of this post even. And that is what made me really think about.

It was said that the Bible was not what it is claimed to have been, and that it's stories are not first hand accounts but tales recorded much later by scholars, be they religious scholars, to help an agenda. In this vein, the religious undertone of this tale is that man must be that man never assume they can perform on an equal level as God, the omnipotent. Because men tried to assert their challenging power, their languages were confused, teaching them humility and need. It also explained how so many languages came to be, like the great Greek Epics and stories of diety explain anything that seemed magical on could not be explained by any other means yet known. Thereby, man could explain Everything, and was born the common saying, that it was the will of the gods.

But, while I was thinking about a group of relgious scribes writting stories to assert control over their anxious peoples, I thought, "well played. Centuries later, we still believe that man cannot reach God." That is when I realized that my very disbelief is a testimony that Bible stories are true, wether or not they are factual, or as we, modernly consider accurate.

Sure, there are many things that are possible, but ought not be done, and the thing that holds me in my place is not the story of a group of men who united to try to achieve a thing greater than God, it is that it is better to be humble, that is true, ragardless how it is learned and it has not become a variable in any great equation that I know of yet,  but it restrains my belief and by so doing has more power than any scientific fact.

Role playing

As I considered stories I had created in my mind to explain things like myself, I created the finest story yet. This story was how mankind was manipulated and molded by a being with comprehension beyond our own.

This thought, though so longvto write out, came in an instant,  and with it, another similar story or way to comprehend what I could not understand in it's actual form. I thought of all of the simple little games my children play and seem to have so much fun playing that I want to play, too. It has lead to playing with dolls, cars and blocks, and even plastic food. But, more interestingly pertinent is rpg on the pc.

This realization explained to me why any "god" would want to live among men.

Baptism

I want to understand baptism, no one has talked or taught me about why so many Jews saught John the baptist, andcwhy he was killed. Why are they no longer baptized?

Who has the right?

Supposedly, it is determined that God was on your side as a king if you won in battle. That makes sense, but if David is responsible for killing Bathsheba's husband, by putting him on the front line, how is that murder, unless he did not believe God was going to protect his army....something that requires thought.

2 cents

1 penny

It seems terrible logic to believe carbon dating if you do not believe in the big bang. Then, they used carbon dating to "date" the Shroud of Turin.

Another penny

Moses called the elders to dispense information quickly to the Children of Israel. This is still a duty of the Aaronic priesthood.

Quick comment relevant to nothing yet

When governments or factions get obsessed with new ideas they think their new idea is new and thus better for everyone. And, when they meet resistance to the new, improved solution, oftimes, even smart and believable leaders peddle genecide of the systematic removal of any who oppose, rather than address why they oppose. Hitler's German army might have agreed with Judaism on many key points, but only one mattered.

I will delve later. I am sorta busy atm.

In time

This needs some scrutiny:

A teacher once called attention to the fiasco of Abraham and Sariah when they had to pretend to be cousins for the sake of Abraham's life, due to Sariah being so desirable to look upon. Now, typically, teachers dwell on the significance of telling a lie to save a life, which is very interesting...but, this teacher pointed out the significance of long pauses in such grand places and the amount of learning and wisdom that could not be gotten anywhere else and how significant this understanding would become to his later life.

I am often fascinated by that little literary magic trick or diversion of an audiences attention so that heroes can develop in a way that makes a plot twist possible.

I was thinking about how this applied to my apparent "spinning of wheels" or "going no where" when actually it is allowing me to develop. Particularly, this can be seen in my tatting progress. Right now, I can barely do even basic things, so I spend a great deal of time not accomplishing anything of value to others, but I am increasing my abilities to the point where such basic things will not require my attention, like basic math. I bet without thinking, you know what 2 plus 2 is. Whereas my children consider it magical that I just KNOW it without counting fingers. :)

Litmus paper

I am I'm washing the dishes right now so I cannot write what I was going to write and I will write it when I finish I wanted to write something about litmus paper test we took in high school and how only some people can taste it.

I wanted to say something about this experiment because it was Monumental to me it could inform you on my mind thought I'd had for a long time which is a prevailing global standpoint on it that everyone perceives things the exact same way, like if we say something is blue that's what color it is. The reason why I'm thinking about this probably is because I've been watching the movie "The Giver". In the movie a person says that I they have a feeling that they see things differently. This struck a chord with me because I've always thought that I didn't see things the same way or sonething. In the movie it's a good thing because this perception is needed to translate the things that others don't understand.

Okay. The test. We were in small groups given pieces of paper to taste and scientifically to record exactly what we experience so I could be looked at scientifically within our small groups. I was the first one to taste the paper and I made a terrible face. Almost no one would taste it subsequently. However it turned out that I was the only one in the group that could actually taste anything. It was then that I realized if I had been chosen by the group to represent our interests I would have been totally against using the paper for anything because it was so horrible to me but that wouldn't necessarily represent the group.

In my government class we were also learning about how those chosen as leaders and in particular group are generally those who possess an attribute that is needed. So I also knew that people were all there for everyone is different and yet we all wear one size.

There are standards for measuring things it's something people have agreed on for instance Europeans use the metric system we however use what is called the English measurement system of yards inches, feet etc. I've also noticed that there is a huge problem in computer parts when people try to use parts that are proprietary. Mothers might notice us with bottles if nipples were not all made the same in the same size we would have to purchase specific nipples for each bottle that is not the case. Fortunately, one computer port is identical to another, as well as sodtware languages so that they can communicate one with another and the internet is a great explanation or example Maybe of how we are stronger in numbers computers when combined have a greater capacity to perform my previous example is always been the Hebrew slaves who created all the Egyptian monuments no single person could have done that but with a large group of people things could be accomplished that would otherwise be impossible. This is how I used to describe or explain how With God all things are possible. Using the model of religion if a given religion is made up of a whole lot of people one person in particular just not hold an attribute however when you have a large group probably every attribute is God a representative I think there was an Epistle of Paul where he likened the church to a body and that's basically what I'm doing Each part of the body has a specific ability. It might not seem important but on its own but if you combine them nothing would be impossible.

Since I'm talking about religion and yes that's where I was headed with all this I feel out of my element because people will talk about things and it feels like "The Emperor's New Clothes". I recently saw a scishow YouTube video about sounds that make you feel something. Often people talk about how tangible the spirit seems, and I do not doubt it, but I simply do not feel it. I do no think my difference makes me lesser or greater, it makes it obvious to me that I am not there for the same reason. And further, when I learn the same things, that knowledge will be different, too. The same thing that would disturb others of prove effective in manipulating others will not work for me. But, it is just  because I am different, not better or worse.

I am done for now.

Ideals

It seems to me that the ideals man creates are so motivating. We believe and hope so much that when we finaly reach our destination, then what?

Commonly, comes the diwnward spiral. Disillusionment, when we realize how far the world is from what we hoped it was.

This mirning, though it really struck me how that is the point where our dreamers proved they had the stuff to make it to the core and it is then that they can really be part of making reality better for us all.

Yeah, most of us are miserable failures, but we have such dreams!

I remember being taught that if our (LDS) religion was so marvelous it would naturally produce marvelous things, where is the evidence of that. I came to terms with what happens on that end years ago, but it really does make me think that if mankind can create such an ideal that consumes and motivates it ought to have created an incredible government or something. I mean, if we know how things really are and we are a blessed people then it makes perfect sense that we would use our gift to create something to benefit and teach everyone we love, which is basically everyone, right?

I just seem so many bright eyed and talented superstars start out bright and cheery, but end up depressed and resentful. And it seems that if a thing is less than ideal, make it better, but maybe they try and that is why they feel dispondant...

No evident progress

I think this is like the third week of doing my situp routine and there has been absolutely no evidence of any kind, still I persevere and probably will as long as I remember it. This is my same approach to life.

Giving up isn't my thing, but it has been known to happen.

Preoccupied

I do not want to default back to the idea that life could be so wonderful, and things that seem to bother me wouldn't even have a chance to form into thoughts. So, I am going to take a nap.

Perfect test

I had been considering two things together. 1) C.S. Lewis giving easy answers to difficult questions and 2) Joseph Smith giving an easy way to determine an essential thing. It got me thinking on a new direction. I have lots of difficult questions and I always quickly accept what answer I get as being truth, usually, it feels true and can be doctrinally proven, which means if you accept a doctrine as true then, anything that comes with it is true, plain and simple. It is like choosing a friend like C.S.Lewis and then just accepting what he says. For example, one time in a class a woman explained that she loved the Church so much because ot made all of her choices were already made for her. It troubled me a bit, to the point that I was troubled enough to understand what she meant.

I marveled at the revelation Joseph Smith recieved in discerning a spirit whether or not it is God sent. My conclusion is that this was a revelation of so much more. It taught us how to discern anything was true from God himself.

It was said in the movie Shadowlands, "you already have the answer, so what is it?" I thought, we have a way to tell if a person is a truthful person because They are unaware of there being a test, right? It is much like asking a handshake of a messenger. You ask a difficult question that you already have an answer for to see how they answer and in that manner you can know how to judge an answer to a question that you do not know.

So what we have is a metjod of discerning, not as much a solution that can not be known and worked around by a cunning, knowledgeable adversary.

Trying not to love you

Alright, that was a blatent plagerism. I want to reiterate that idea and call it mine.

Super quick, I hate it when I have a crush on someone , but then realize they have been ruined, by being well known. But, the irony is, I wouldn't even know of them unless they were in the spotlight, or would I? (Dramatic music)

Leaders of men

Ha ha, I wasn't even thinking about the song by Nickelback, I was trying to think of what I would call a subset of men which included royalty and ecclesiastical leaders.

Might be my shortest thought. I fear acknowledgement the way most fear public speaking, only I do not know how you overcome that sense of responsibility. Mormon leaders seem less powerful than, say, a king. But more lives hung on the balance by means of consequence of a choice a Mormon leader makes opposed to one made by a Ruler of the nation.

Plus, I think of how Jesus Christ asked what was of more consequence, to heal a physical infirmity or cleanse a sin.

not yet

Every child has a healthy degree of entitlement, mind you, this is self-granted, and not to be confused with expecting that they are owed everything. My children, for instance, are almost constantly referring to their spouses or a time when they are adults. We all have faith in that. We believe that we will grow up.

As a child to teen, I was told over and over again how improved I would be when I grew up. I believed that entirely,but it has still never happened, so was the seed bad? Nothing ever grew, or if it did, I missed it. I used to go find a piano at the social gatherings where I was expected to find a companion. I would accompany myself and sing a pitiful, self-loathing song about a seed that never grew, it asks, "am I less of a failure down here, then up there." I had no doubt that if I shook off my pity and joined the crowd I would find that I was appreciated, but that was not what I wanted. I waited too long, and then realized that I actually needed to do something if I ever expected anything to happen to me.

Years fast forward, and they literally do go fast. When I was younger I despised mothers who acted like kids. Then as a mother, myself, it was not acting, I actually felt like I was still young. Even now, I ought to be preparing for an afterlife, but instead I absorb myself in petty things.

I was upset because I never grew up. I am still sort of waiting, and I echo my daughter, yeah, my husband will do this and that, too, cause he loves me. um, most everything I have had to do for myself. Years of waiting for the time when I am grown up and am the one in charge is nearly ending. A new generation is taking over, but I never got a chance to be the one in charge or if I did, I was not aware.

Very often, things do transpire, but I never give them attention. I noticed it most when others commented how brave I had been. Brave? more like oblivious. I never realized what I was doing, which was part of my success. My result is completely different because my intent was completely different, and I had not noticed. Any time "what was" clashed with "what I thought was", I cry that I was misunderstood. But, could it be that *I* misunderstood?

I had an entirely different notion of what a couple who forms an eternal unit is. I guess it is a sort of white picket fence life, and that is what I felt entitled to. I see it all around me. But, where is mine? I almost had it, it was progressing nicely until all of a sudden everything crashed down and I had to rebuild. I am extremely dissatisfied with what has subsequently transpired. but, how do I accomplish what I intended? I read and studied about it, and I feel confident in knowing that my potential is still unrealized by me, but it will be given an opportunity, just not yet.

"When will I ever grow?"

Identity

EI am easier to understand through the use of mathmatical terms. I am an identity. In math we understand two identities easily. 0 is the additive identity and 1 is the multiplicative identity. I teach my children math this way. I ask them things like 0 plus a pile of leaves is what? Or a bunch of grapes times one equals? And pause for them to shout out the answer. This way they did algebra equations as they were teething.

I realized this is how I am and have always been. I was always better when I surrounded myself with better peers. I assume caracteristics of those I admire.  I just assumed it was the way others just were. Or that seeing the potential encouraged me to try. Then in college we studied it as one of the romantic era's themes. For instance, a bird in a cage never escapes because they cannot imagine anything greater than what they have.

But, I was feeling so stuck in a rut and not happy at all with what I am, but no real aim or dream or better put, no purpose. Then I realized why I always end up turning to outerspace and ailens. I need a new pattern, or something awe-inspiring to be working towards. I get upset because those around me aren't becoming what I wanted to become, and a good friend explained the failure I percieve in others is not a failure but just a miscalculation on my part. Because, I personally aspire for greater things than them they only encourage as long as they are progressing, and that right there is a fatal step in finding a true companion. Where I look at what they can be, one ought to be looking at what they are.

For example, if one guy knows so much more is possible, but has not done anything towards that end, it is foolish to allogn ones self with that potential ignoring on the other had one with less potential but definite acts or fruit to show for what he has believed.

I thought I underdstood this perfectly well, and felt full to blame for not changing to fit the piece that fits. That is when I realized that it is not that easy. I already am formed and need to find where I fit not mold myself to fit where I am, and it is because I pondered my own identity I realized that I am sort of a changling. I am different things to everyone, I am almost always the submissive gene always allowing others to be expressed, but then never being content with what was expressed. Maybe I ought to stop settling for things only slightly better than myself. It is like buying shoes for my kids! You know they are going to grow alot in a few month's time so you buy shoes much larger than their foot instead of one the correct size. What I have done is buy only slightly larger, and then get angry at my inability to make a growing foot stop growing to fit the shoe I already bought. Isn't  it so much clearer now in a metaphorical hindsight what the mistake was.

Ok, time to go...

Parents

We are closer in being like our own parents than we are becoming like our God, who we call our Heavenly Father.

It makes perfect sense to us that parents learn by being a parent. For example, I was thinking about the countless things that I did wrong, but did the best I knew. So, that lead me to consider how the things I do might seem insane to someone without the same perspective, which lead to the thought about if God is "learning and becoming", too or if that is just a mortal thing.

As children, it seems like our parents know everything, until we are in their place. One of my favorite comments was when a woman was explaining how children come to understand sex. At first. It wasn't hid from them, but just kept back because it was neither relevant or necessary, but at a certain developmental stage a child becomes both willing and able to understand things that although, new to them have been aroind as long as people have.

My dad used to say, and I was not sure it wasn't a threat, that as we are he once was, and as he is we will become. Pretty vague, huh? That is the beauty of it all. Sure I will never be a man, and I used to think, noooo way! Cause I was never going to become over weight...I already am. Uh oh. But, instead of being upset, it makes me wonder "what next" surely there is something that God is aspiring to.

I wonder if I can help. First thought is pray, uh, but that is asking God for help, so that won't do... him, I guess, as a parent, my kids would help most by obeying me, so I conclude to help a Heavenly Father most I ought to obey him.

Years pass...

Playing catch up is why I never sleep, even when my body rests my mind keeps generating ideas. I have years still to catch up on, but one idea piqued my interest.

In the morning I sift through the thoughts that seemed related, but aren't. Like sun it yellow in that painting, it is hot. Do not touch dandelions, or you might get burned. Rosseau called this reflection, naturally it comes after sensation, or in this case protects us from supposed sensations, and it could save our life, if Dandelions were really as hot as the sun.

But, I toss that notion and feel good because later I learn that the color is likely a result of the atom is is fusing due to high levels of gravity. Dandelions do not fuse atoms, as least that I am aware of.

On to my point, someone said, "I only know what I like." Funny how tiny little things people say stick with us and sort of snowball into a big thing after beeing applied to so much. Anyway, this is one of those funny little things my brain paired it with. Others like the same thing, and if enough like it. You will be successful. If you like it and others like it, then if you like you, so will others. Why wouldn't they, afterall? Before I tossed it, I mulled it over.  What a peculiar notion. I read that the most becoming thing a woman can wear is self confidence is that related, too? Ok, true or false time, enough clinging to partial truths, they are like diet drinks, fascinating notion with no substance.

Conspiracy from God with Love

It always seems, at least for me, the closer I get to actually knowing God, the more of a conspiracy everything seems. I seem to doubt everything, because of the ways we have been taught to search out truth. But, if one accepts Mormonism, then with that comes the freedom to just accept things you cannot know like others thoughts.

A thing I do not have and exact references for, but the scene plays out in my mind where a prophet of God is being questioned by a king, and the king thinks something but does not say it, and the prophet "percieves his thoughts". That is what I would look up cause I can remember those exact words.

Almost constantly I am picking up on patterns, and it is only natural to try to make sense out of things, sometimes, my mind even forms associations and conclusions without me, but when I later try to understand why a thing is, my only explination ends up being a fantastic story. You know, I think that is where writers get incredible ideas, even Greek mythology is pretty fascinating.

Whomever I am mentally fixed on becomes the hero of my ever evolving plot, but to seriously make some sense out of a bigger picture the impossible figures or heroes could only be described as a God. I knew there was alot of power involved, but naturally, I figured that power was money.

Seriously, I cannot even count the times I have wondered how Lucifer was banished and is repelled by... WHAT? With my own kids I do not even have the ability to force them to do a thing, although my legitimacy comes from encouraging them to do go and them seeing that when they do what I say they get the results they want.

Power interests me. There is a movie that I simply adore. The movie is called "Anonymous". It has a scene where several Earls discuss the power that words have. The one explains how having one's ideas shared in thousands of minds is power, referring to plays. The one says that no war was ever won with words so he chooses might or his sword.

(Like the end of "The Mission" where the missionary dexlares that if might is right than love has no place in this world."

LDS beliefs are that we existed in a premortal existence (world) where there was a counsel and a "war". But, what sort or war was it?

Anyway, I think of another movie "Contact" where what one experiences as real is not believed by others to the point that it was all explained as the work of one very powerful man. It is funny to mearn that who people are is so fluid. We base so much value on our ability to perceive but, what if you perceive differently that someone else?

I need to "work in" another line I love from Disney's "The Incredibles" a lady who is employed by the villain is asked why they chose to live in a volcano, I think. Anyhow the character's name is Mirage (mom and dad's  band's name) and she says, "I am drawn to power."

Loose ends

This morning I am closing an epoch and, as crocheters say, "weaving in the loose ends."

I will list some ends that although tied off are dangli, ,,ng about and we cannot allow that.

1)boys. Is it cultural or is it just a waste of time for the investment never yields good returns. Boys are not expected to clean up, moms do it, occassionally, a boy is taught "home skills" and such a feat is highly applauded. Then, a boy's home is called a Bachelor pad because it is ill-kept and part of marrying is finding a woman to take care of them. Really? Why not just learn to take care of yourself, if women are expected to work for any money they might want in addition to taking care of the kids?

2) The trick to love is finding someone as close to seeing and wanting the same things as you, trouble is that we think that we are up to the challenge, but marriage ought to be a support not a challenge.

Everytime I think it is love I realize it is just another want, sometimes it is actually getting closer as it includes motivation to overcome and be better, but that is not love. Love is best summed up in two phrases, one gifted to me by a dear friend: "make sure you are on the same page." and "be ye not unequally yoked".

Too much "choosing time"

Church is canceled this morning, so what do I do? Think.

I think I ought to listen to conference talks or read scriptures, but my mind is consumed considering how I would go about righting the only inequality I see between the sexes. For some reason, and maybe nothing should be done about it, but men can, and it confused me so much about age, I am just now sorting it out. Anyhow, for sone reason, men can begin anew much later in life, in fact men I consider my age are actually much older, and menu age I consider soooo young. Yet, women my age seem too old and older they seem "out to pasture". But, maybe that is howvit ought to be so that men do not have the competition as they try again. And older men tend to like younger women so it always made sense to me because they are matured enough to be equals, now the fact that they get to do over later in life when women are considered too old, is ideally happening so that men can make enough money to support the aging women or a new family. I do not think women need to be doldiers or noy scouts, not do I think they need to be princesses, but it has evolved and worked for sooo long maybe we should work with it instead of fight against it as inequality. But, in school my feminist teachers used to say they were wortied about women like me, especially when I voiced the opinion that the Taming of the Shrew taught valuable lessons about gender roles, and how resolution can only come by working with what ought to be.

Negativity

Ok, I have reached the point of many names. Many have traveled here and given this place a name. It is referred to popularly as self-actualization. Every one goes through it, and musicians sing about it. On some level everyone can find some way they relate and want to know that as they "become" or "wake up" whatever you want to call it "everyone wants to feel like someone cares" or " we read to know that we are not alone."

It feels like I have actually been born again and from this moment forward I am aware of the choices that I make. As a new level of awareness, I am accutely aware of negativity, mostly feelings. So, I do not want to have them at all. But, even thinking of Utah makes me feel cross. And yesterday, I was just walking in a store and no one even looked at me, but I was hateful feeling. I do not want to have these types of feelings. I do not speak out or express them, but I do not want to even have them.

A few weeks ago someone mentioned how we all have triggers, or maybe you have heard someone mention pushing buttons, but there were absolutely no buttons anywhere. This is not that. This is agency, not something akin to Pavlov's dogs. Where one simply reacts, like "falling in love". When you fall you are not in control at all. So, I think that explains waves of divorce, a large number of people gave up their ability to chose and then when they stop falling or hit bottom or maybe fall in love again, they are not in control, love is. How convenient.

Well, I am in control, and it feels like the skit I saw as a teen where they compare life to a three act play, and I suddenly find myself in act two surrounded by actors. The show must go on? Or, do I admit that I do not know at all what is going on? I was trying to tactfully find a new scene, but, I know that everyone else involved is invested and it is pretty selfish to only think of my place. And yet, if I do not say something I might be surrendering my will and my ability. The ability, that I actually recognize, to not allow negativity, which is why I am trying to figure out what causes it.

Cookies are done. And such shall be my concluding punctuation. They are sugar free cookie, though!

Outside the cage

This action cannot be wished for or anything, unless outside the box. Or standard way.

So if I be so inclined, which I am. I will find a way around this whole rule of not forcing a will.

It kinda reminds me of mcguyver. Impossible, only in a world of rules, but to the writters who created that world they toy with the viewer in finding a merciful way out, and even conquer death. Everyone knows that in make-believe land death is not at all final.

Its a wonderful life

Ok, this is a thought ot felt short, maybe too uninvolved to be a blog post, but clearly too long for a status update.

I was feeling really ugly. And the solution came, unexpectedly, "It's a Wonderful Life" style. First, was compliments, a make over and anything a person would want to feel pretty, but it did nothing. And if at all it made me worse knowing that I had nothing to  blame for being so hideous, but myself, most people would be gorgeous with a bit of time and attention. Then, I messed all of that up and looked worse, and got fatter, all I longed for was to be myself again.

This morning, I am no more beautiful than I ever was, but somehow it was enough. I did not need to be improved or look as good as anyone else. It was great just to look like myself, I like me.

Um, update, cause I do not think I ever explained what any of it has to do with "It's A Wonderful Life". In the movie, George Bailey, the hero discovers his terrible life by previous standards was actually wonderful by other views. When the honest prayers of others were answered an heavenly angel gave him his saving perspective, by allowing him to see the worth of his life as if he never was, which is what was seen as the thing that defined his existence at first. He honestly felt it would be better to not exist by those standards, but when he saw the value of his life from the perspective of those he had effected or even saved. The ripples of that choice were profound. I realized how beautiful I was not by getting what I want, but loosing what I had. Now, is it clear?

Sound theory

Not a sound theory, but a theory about sound.

Walking home My daughter and I were discussing things like magnetism, gravity, infa red, and sounds only dogs can hear and somehow we ended up with a very good theory about controling animals with sounds, like a remote control.

Yesterday, I heard some quote to the effect of if we only knew things we could see then we did not know much. I am just furthering that notion with sounds. Throughout life people have hinted at things that cannot be heard effecting us. My favorite is in a song on the Soundtrack to Bram Stoker's Dracula by Annie Lennox. It says, "for it is the drum of drums. It is the sound of sounds that knows now how it sounds." Music effects more than minds through words. But, as music therapists know it effects our moods. In a preface to LDS,hymnals it says that music increases the spirituality of a meeting, and when the early utah pioneers tried to celebrate Christmas they THOUGHT they did the best they could, but were chastised for not singing more. Even my father claimed that digital music will never overtake virtuosos when it comes to performance, because they cannot  duplicate the sounds that cannit be heard which have a great effect on the listener.

Great and terrible

Every hopeful Christian is familiar with such a sentiment. I am so pverwhelmed at such a great and terrible prospect that I cannot enjoy my excitement due to my anxiety. The phrase Heaven Help my Heart was never more applicable.

Do not be afraid

What would I really be fearing anyway? Won't God care for his children, providing a way for them, even if it means giving the life of his most beloved son as a ransom?

I got scared because Nick's over confidence is troubling ofcourse, but everyone gets somethings wrong, what matters is if he is trying to get them right.  What disturbed me is when he tries to pass off his wrong ideas to the innocent minds of his children. They accept magical flying ponies, so believing him comes natural.

I thought last night was merely another flub up that  needed to be corrected before a false idea crept in. Itvseemed of no lasting consequence until now. A warning that I wondered how it could be made public and not be "worked around" I am referring to the scripture that explains a method of discerning if a messenger comes from God.  This must have been included for a reason, and the fact that even my husband thought he understood, though he got it wrong,  was troubling. How much wiser and cunning is Satan?

I do not like him passing false ideas off as truth to the children, I type while I think of things I have said regarding Santa Claus, for instance. It solidifies to me how important it is to get them to the temple where they can learn a greater understanding of things, perhaps at the feet of God himself. Either way, there is learned the true ways to discern things where Satan cannot ever know. It is like a huge blind spot and it is actually good that my husband thinks he understands things...it honestly, does no harm, infact it reminds me of the disgust I have for those who deem themselves so mighty.

On a lesser note. It does bother me how much the children idolize and imitate Nick's behavior, like his yelling at people who he allows to offend him while driving. The kids play out such scenarios whwver they dislike another’s behavior instead of tolerance.

Hawthorne's Birthmark

Often literature comes to mind, I think it is because stories capture relationships in time to discover whatever, whenever we are in need, uh, maybe I watched too much "Super Why" with my children who are learning to read, but I was trying to put into a thought what it is I dislike about Utah. I mean of all places, it should be my ideal home, but it's not. And when we have a problem...look in a book, right?

Ok, so I opened up a Shirley Jackson story. no. That was a joke just to see if you were paying attention.  Let's start over.

I want to use a short story by Nathaniel Hawthorne to explain how I feel about Utah. The reason I am discontent usually has to do with expectations. Recently, a retired marriage counselor talked to a group about a thing called the golden egg syndrome. It is when a thing meets our needs splendidly, until we see more that we might not need but we want. No one is immune to this, think of the story of the revered King David, and his obsession with Bathsheba. See what I mean? Discontent is a dangerous tool that can destroy even the best.

In the story "The Birthmark",  the hero falls in love with and marries a beautiful wife, who is not only beautiful, but is perfect in everyway imagineable, except for a small hand shaped blemish on her cheek. He toys with Alchemy find a way to remove this single mark. He fails, but he now fails to see all that he has and only sees this blemish and it becomes a sort of taunt keeping him from enjoying his life. Finally, he creates a potion that will do the trick! His wife drinks it and sure enough! It fades away!!!! But, it kills her. Perhaps it was the only thing keeping her alive in such an imperfect world.

This story sheds light on how I feel about Utah. I so longed to be around others who think like me. What was that Golden Rule again? Yeah, I love being treated as I treat others, and I like not needing to explain why I do something. I have a perfect example of this!

I was volunteering at my son's school each Wednesday, then my Visiting Teaching (missionary work) companion  scheduled an appointment at the same time, so I could not do both. The Lady we were to go visit just had a grandmother pass away and she likely needed some caring friends to talk to. I know I wanted that, so if I did not go I would be hypocritical, but Although both were great things to do, both allowed me the opportunity to serve others as Christ would have me do, but I decided to go to the school citing my duties of mother trumped my duties of friend. My companion simply agreed with my choice and went by herself to visit the woman. This was profound to me because she simply understood without any in depth explination. You do not know how much I had wanted that and almost daily in the people I meet on the street or in the stores, in their eyes you can sense a sort of life being lived in a way I needed.

The people of Utah are truly a people of one heart and mind and I like to agree. And they love and serve one another to the point that there are truly no needy among them. What more could a person need.

I do not want to point out what could be better, I simply feel discontent. My sentiment is evident in this comment I made about this neighborhood. "Wow. It looks so meat and tidy, but I am confused why people who are so conscientious about litter and keeping things tidy would not put their shopping carts away properly. The parking lots look a disaster." But, I recognize now that no other place would be better.

I thought broadcasts of church conferences is how it would feel to live here, and it is obvious my neighbors listen and obey, but it is like we might as,well be in different congregations altogether. Like my husband. I followed everything I had,been taught. But, we attend a class together and what he learns and I learn are completely different, and I occasionaly am made to feel like I do not belong and I remind myself, I am just not understood.

I'm falling asleep.....

Pascal's wager

I loved it when I didn't  know what to believe, but knew I would do it whole heartedly if I did.

Today, as I considered some of my sort of askewed ideas, I thought what would be the reason or motivation anyway. So, it was a simple step to apply this kind of thinking to religion.

On a larger scale motivation had nothing to do with truth in the crusades, but even Jesus Christ himself, why? Why would he break laws like not working on Sunday to cure someone? The only answer I came up with was recognition. My dad used to say no advertisement is bad advertisement.  And it seems to be a good reason for a religion. Although, each claim to exist to spread truth. That would actually be recognition. And lots of religions build on what is popular, namely the Bible, then tweak it to mean what they think will appeal. So, suppose that explained the origin, what explains the propagation?

Religions still thrive and grow. It must be because they are filling a niche. I think there the law that nothing can be created or destroyed is in force here and something is knowingly incomplete and we seek to fill that void to the point that we would give our lives to feel whatever it is.

Some use drugs. Some use sex. Some fill their void with love, beauty or religion. But, honestly, what is it we want and what happens when we get it?

Cue Pascal's reasoning. Just suppose it is all master minded by those who are hoping to achieve power or something, seems crazy, but I bet Oracle's knew they were a hoax. Ok, let's suppose our truth really is THE truth?  It would be readonable to just believe it even if those who taught you were pulling your leg, because if it were true you would not only be so glad you lived how you did, but you helped others, too. Isn't it a seperate fact that we seek to help others. Why is that?

On the flip side. And this is likely only pertaining to me, but benefit, if you do. Why would my choices be of any consequence unless it was because my choice was one that effected others and gaining my trust gained more power... if that were the case then, power would be had by subjecting me to a "leader" sorta the thing the united states was afraid of with a cathloic president. The president would be subserviant to the pope.

So, the ultimate struggle would be a power struggle making earth like a great big intricate chessboard. And though seemingly insignificant, each pawn has a worth. Yeah, ok. But, why would surrendering by giving up or refusing to play be bad?

Well, if you refused to help you would be hurting. It is almost as if each has to choose a side, so refusing one is benefitting the other, which if you decided was reasonable anyway, so what?

I am not close to realizing or concluding anything, but I have to make dinner.

There have been moments

In one of my favorite films there is a line where a woman remembers her life as a child making a long ardous trek to "Zion". Instantly, it reminds me of Final Fantasy 7 or even Dr. Who where it is speculated how the notion of a promised land could be used to manipulate. But. I thought of he line "there were moments of siblime happiness" to explain my life as I recognize the likeness of a difficult journey, too often we feel it pointless because we lack destination. Even with a clearly defined purpose trials amd struggles cause pain, but there are moments of pure delight.

In the movie Shadowlands about the life of C.S.Lewis they explain a thing that I still have not mentally metabolized about how our struggle is part of the joy to come. recently, someone was explaining the duality of all things. All things have and need an opposite. That is just how it is.  And that I can understand. But,  in conext I was seeing a truth that the opposites attract although it seems as if they ought to repell.

Now, than chant of a line from "Lean on me" comes to mind, "a positive and a positive make a negative!" And I loved a song by Tal Bachman that meant something wholey unique to me probably, but the line says "butterflies and stingy nettles.... where's the joy to cure my sadness?" And from such a thought my terrible bouts of depression lead me to realize that although there have been moments of joy, likely equal to the struggle, thus fufilling a scripture that says that every blessing is granted according to a predetermined action, and the Lord is bound to bless us, but there must be some incredible joy to equal the sorrow or depression.

I am falling asleep. Typing is a sure fire way to invoke sleepy time, who needs tea?

It would be easier

I honestly have never been one to avoid a battle once it has started, I just avoid starting a battle at all. This battle has been started though and I my conscience dictates that I must be congruent in my thoughts and actions, but it would be so much easier to live like I am. A huge part of me knows this is not possible and that ultimately, I will be miserable,  unless I can manage to become truly ignorant.

I cannot rely on others to fix a problem that only I understand.

It is just very hard to believe that willfully jumping into hardship is what will bring me happiness. I know happiness is an intended goal. It would be easier to continue living a lie or at least try to believe the lie was truth. Maybe, understanding things is the key and it is just a matter of understanding greater things, but I just do not yet believe there are greater things available on this earth.

Ahhhh. Eureka! It is all about hope. Like a roller coaster going down, we must believe it is to get high again, or at least move forward, and complete (be perfect) it. The falling must end and with the atonement, we can be forgiven, and it was foreseen that we needed to fall to move forward, now we have to have hope that it is all possible.

Someplace only we know...

Now, I will practice my tact or ability to say what others want to hear but mean what I am thinking.

Imagine that you may make one deal, but to make the deal you must have a bargining chip, meaning something of value to the one you are dealing with. For example you want fame, 4 tokens, fortune, 4 tokens, etc. Yes, we are pretending. So, in pretend the other party is entirely able, no problem, except for one thing, they cannot alter another’s actions, like Aladin's genie. Maybe more like Cinderella's godmother, she can assist by helping you to the ball, but she cannot make the prince fall in love with you. That is not her job.

Ok, now, I used the word token. It will instantly bring games to mind. Keep in mind that you do not pay to win, you pay to play. But, you know, everytime I go to Chuck E Cheese I think, we would have been better off just buying a thing instead of trying to earn enough tickets. But, I guess the earning makes us feel more of a sense of value or ownership. So, I am saving up to earn something of an almost unimagineable cost in tickets, but it could just be bought taking another route. But  the converting of tokens to tickets is what I am really paying for and as a result...It is like Jane Eyre running away from her love because the situation was not right.

Although the people were right for one another. She had to do things by the set guidelines or laws, although techincally love is not governed by the laws of the land anyway. It was because she valued the love so much she wanted it to stay as hope instead of be fufilled and corrupted. She needed, like Rhett Butler did when he went to fight with the rebs, a good memory to take into battle.

The situation is a bargin and it is completely necessary for the actual desire to result. So the whole sacrifice would be for an enabling situation or tickets. The tickets are not the goal, but will earn something anyhow.

Truth

It just dawned on me how I am fiirming up my belief that other religions are true. Ionly know that by letting them openly share their interpretation of truth.

I thought of that Poem about the blind men and an elephant and although each is speaking the truth as far as they can, it is not the whole truth. Now. I almost said they were not seeing the big picture which, although accurate now, in my language and culture, I fear it might mean something other than what I mean, and seeing a bigger thing or more of a thing does not mean less of the truth is known, necessarily.

But, as others used the assertion that the Bible was God's word, I saw how necessary it was for a foundation of truth.
But, how just one part does not help as much as multiple sources. Enter the Book of Mormon.

We do not deny any bit what is true because we have what is called an "open canon". For Family Home Evening we listed the many things that are scripture. Hymns being one of them. And although somethings prophets say that are not prophetic, there are things I use as a conduit for truth, but the whole of it is not true. Often, I listen to a song or watch a movie and by so doing, I learn an important truth, but the thing is not a scripture, but for a thing to be a scripture it would have to have this trait.

Hope and Faith

Hope seems more relevant of a topic because it has been plainly and easily defined.

When you ask people what faith is they either give you blank stares or start spouting off religiously, both of which serve as catalysts to confusion. So, I  am going to share the plain and simple definition I have for faith. It is to hope for things. Faith is the evidence of things hoped for but not seen (verified by perception or empiricism)

Faith is not a topic of much, and it confuses,me a bit. It can move mountains! It seems like it would be a better thing to own and evaluate that proving things true of false, to who knows what end.

For example, I watched a show seeking to prove true or false the Exodus story. Nothing was found, and that is supposed to prove a being who knows all things and can do anything does not exist? What if the story was found completely verifiable? It seems to me that would change faith into fact, and man even more into a diety able to outsmart God. So, I said, why don't they instead prove Goldilocks never lived. Most scholars wouldn't care and the story would loose no value for the facts.

The kingdom of Heaven is a place for children, or those who become like them, no?

Ok, that was all fliff, random topical pontifications so I might fit this in:

A woman was being comforted after outward signs became visible of her loss of hope. She hoped to one day becreunited with her family, but that hope was ruined. To comfort her she was offered this advice, which ought to be shared. A friend said, hope is not lost when situations change. We just need to alter our hope. What is so ironic about it and spawned my topic head is that this girl is one who clearly stated that although many around had reasons to loose or give up faith, hers was only strengthened. Um, maybe the writters lacked a bit of the mastery of terms to even know what they meant by that. The girl immediately mentions her relgion as being Episcopalian. So, is that her faith or merely her religion?