Nothing

RAt first, I thought I was just realizing I was an idiot, no big deal, sure it hurts but knowing I am not like everyone else is nothing new.

But, it has fallen on me and crushed me wholly. I an grasping for meaning, purpose, et cetera. I am still me and stuff, I am just sick of being what everyone else needs and alone. It is compond because I have been studying the life of Ludwig Van Beethoven and I did not want to believe it, but he was,miserable, and I think, at least I have the Gospel. Do I? It has kept me alive, when I might have been happier dying before my life degenerated so much. I am debating going to try to find a piano to play cause at least I enjoy that.

I am utterly broken. And I am trying to consider why. And am hopeful. Isn't that a pattern? We need to hit rock bottom before sonething amazing occurs...I am imaginging a catastrophy and what is valuable enough to salvage? So far, I can only think of things I have been told to find valuable, not much I actually do.

Better get back to work. Gotta get Mary from school, soon.

Just a bit more...I was reading about John Chilton for FHE, which what I learned there was depressing, but I think they sacrificed and suffered so life would be better for us. But, he had been made a freeman, as a quaker before becoming a separatist.

What really upsets me is a thing that requires my attention, now though cause it has gone too far. Mary was begging to do an activity for FHE. I used to be thankful that Nick let's me do it, but he makes it miserable, and Mary Anne was so excited to do her part, so I let her choose an activity but Nick refused to take any part, typical, I do nit mind, but she does. She said, "but playing board games with your family is fun."but he still refused and said, "It can be." Urrgh! I wanted to explode and say, "This family could have a lot of fun if we had a real father in it, too." but, I only smiled thought it and played the game.  There's a whole lot more here, but I do not intend to tattle.