one generation to the next

I had a thought that was fun to follow, it originated in thinking about a particular man. Was he really all that he seemed to be? If so things would be so entirely different. It is true that if things were as I thought then I would be extremely fortunate. And it is good that a person needs improvement, but if they do not improve and one doesn't want to then they have plenty reason to lament. that lead me to the thought that originates with a talk by James E. Faust where he explains that though God has all power at his disposal to change a world he starts with an idea planted in a mother's mind.  That makes me think about the stripling warriors who had great faith because their mother's taught them so.

I was having great fun thinking of how faith starts out with a mom, who teaches kids to know a thing as true and then it becomes fact  And it is handed down generation to generation and the world is changed.  Each successive liter knowing things that their mothers believed. It was taught to me by my friend Byran as Familial repentance. Slightly different, but ultimately the same thing.

On Faith

My mind gets stuck on loops when a thing is said, until I come to a worthy conclusion. Such a thought was generated by an idle, not otherwise significant comment about Faith. A red flag was raised in my thoughts telling me it was significant to consider. Faith is an attribute like others we just have like integrity, etc. Such attributes can be cultivated, "Faith is like a little seed. If planted it will grow." But, it is one of those things that if we poses it is part of who we are, and something, so to speak, that we brought with us, memory is not one of them.

I just saw The Little Mermaid so I use that metaphor to understand. It is like Ariel's voice, in that is more significant than we know, but to convince Ariel otherwise Ursula  explains that it is just one attribute, but, she speaks truth about the fact that she has so many other attributes can be focused on and used to get a man's attention  anyway. It reminds me of my best friend's observations while taking a "non verbal communication" course.

My most important thought was how in the hospital, on what seemed my death bed, people commented about what a "spiritual" person I was. Maybe, that is what got me through, so very little remained of "me" anyway.

I think of my visits with my therapist/psychologist who also said in interviews several times that I was a spiritual person, at the time, I took it as the intellectual way to say that I was religious, but not Baptist. I am so curious to know what was of value of me, as he asked my permission to be used in an article that he was writing. It was common. I was asked for Brain fluid, spinal fluid, if I would be willing to participate in a study on encephilitis, etc. My only thought was that if my misfortune could make me valuable to others than it was worth it. Time and again, I was told that survival was very rare, and most in similar circumstances only had discovered their malady after a thorough autopsy. This made me feel good. I finally found my talent and a way to be truly original.

Overcoming odds is the talent as manifest in this existence, but the true attribute is one that I had and brought with me and used. When everything else is removed from me, the part that remains defines me. It is Faith. It reminds me of the play, "You Can't Take it With You".

Redundant Stupidity

Repition is usually annoying, but this is really irksome. I can see well ahead of me, and this cycle is full of more misunderstanding and stupidity.

I realize that everything I want is to improve my beauty or make me more attractive. That is stupid. I well know that being too anything isn't desirable, and in particular being very attractive is likely annoying and would attract the wrong sort.

It seems though that time and time again it is men prefering something and women preferring them and believing they are comparatively lesser because they are not preferred. I noticed something else, it is almost like magic how I reflexively think that I am in love with someone who outwardly prefers me. That is stupid because I do not want the wrong types to prefer me, only one in particular. When wrong ones do, I get upset and claim that They love me for the wrong thing. I want to be loved so much that I would be like air to breathe.

My fondest imagining is that I will be loved entirely and not only partially.

To wrap this up I need to be loved which is a process leading to true understanding. I want to be more attractive so I can be lazy regarding who I was  instead of work on my character to try to rebecome.

Confused yet?

How do you keep straight who you are?

Didn't think we would be wise enough to believe something that seems wrong, huh?

Love is powerful as is curiosity, and I do love you, you. I even esteem and admire you, but you loose, sorry.

Eternal perspective

The way I see things has shifted as it no doubt will as my understanding of things increases.

Something to giggle about while I put things in proper perspective, get it? Anyway, I had a pair of jeans with a button that had cursive writing that I thought said "his" and I thought many a time how brilliant it was to create a label of women's jeans called "his". Later, I clearly saw it said "chic".

Alright, what I wanted to relate was how, like in horoscope and song lyrics, we make sense of things in a way that is applicable to us. It so happens that often my values have been shaped to be quite different from the world. A lot of my different values stem from my idea of life being eternal and this world is only a snapshot.

Storytime. A nurse who attended me in vanderbilt told me while she pushed my wheelchair that I should not be so sad, things looked bleak right now, but it was just a snapshot and in several years things would likely be entirely different. She was my nurse now when I was unable to walk, etc. But I could get better while she had MS and expected her condition to worsen over time.

I am reminded of so many great stories, but in particular, a man explained something every missionary ponders when they are rejected. The people were good people, would it not have been better for them to have never received the gospel than to reject it? This discussion came from our study of the final judgement and the absolute assignment to various kingdoms in heaven. This man explained how it was just a two year snapshot and just because in your short time you were rejected does not mean the gospel was rejected, it is like one lady explained one step at a time. Many principles are active on the mind and good begets good.

Anyhow, my thoughts were on how both Brandall and Nick are what I consider the best sort of man available on this earth, but the rest of the world doesn't think so. To me that was what having eternal perspective meant. I valued them for who they truly were not how pleasantly they presented themselves to those living at the same time.

I made a few videos and it had noth,            soever to do with how I could be or s body for much longer than just mortality my aim would not have been to succeed in appearing the way that would make me satisfied while making videos.

More comes to mind about Rebeckah and how she was truly beautiful...anyway, I was watching a video this afternoon about paradigm shifts which I never actually understood (and that is sort of ironic that I was not consciously aware). And I realized that to me having eternal perspective is the instruction, but the direction changed.

Now. I see that it is better to just fall in love because I will not ever get a chance to again. It is firm in my mind that I will live forever, so what I ought to accomplish is different.

Something silly

I have an uncanny amount of faith in things that,my intellect likes to poke fun at, the marriage of intellect and fancy often gives rise to thoughts herein contained, aka wit.

One such thing is my unfailing belief in the priesthood as being the same power used to create the world. My mind mock,me and says that is silly or ridiculous, even. Like my faith that "Impossible" things can be commanded to be, like my health for instance. My mind says, "Course, every blessing has been answered for anyone alive, or even dead because any consequence is ok if it is the will of God."

Degrees of impossible

I discovered one of the reasons blending in just is not an option for me. I will forever be misunderstood and vice versa. It comes from a simple form of communication: spoken words.

For example, the word impossible. It is a single word that means only one thing, but when it is spoken my mind uses another word by dividing impossible into other degrees. There is "Oh that's impossible." Which I take to mean it is not desirable. Obviously it could be done, but no one wants to. Then there are the things that seem unlikely, they are processed to mean unlikely much like making a basketball Harcourt shot with out looking, or getting pregnant in old age, after menopause. Clearly, they can be done but are called "impossible" other feats which are called impossible are the category or degree that earn the title logically undoable. This includes things like a man walking on water, or living after his organs have ceased.

I had been thinking about why I do not like the word and it is more than being obstinate or not taking no for an answer. I think it goes along with being taught that nothing is impossible for God, so in a sense nothing is impossible anyway.

I feel so validated again today

Thank you for scriptures and in particular the laws that we have been given which each in their own way reach and teach us the way to be happy. Oh, momentary derailment, I thought of a quote I loved well, not a quote as much as an excerpt.

"I told him I remained a Mormon because when I followed my religion I became the kind of man I want to be."

and a favorite anecdote that impressed me a lot. A man had been at his friend's house and noticed differences in behavior between his father and his friend's father. When he went home he felt so thankful to be at home with his own father and a conversation ensued. His father explained that even if the LDS church was not true it made him a happier man. This was what had made the obvious difference between his friend's father and his, then his father concluded  that the church was true though. (probably one of those moments where words are not needed but appreciated nonetheless.)

Sorry to get so sidetracked. Sometimes my mind does that when key  words push some sort of trigger, It was the word happiness. It really is such an important thing, huh?

Anyway, I was thinking about how I have always disagreed with the thought of governing any thing ought to be based on popular opinion. Sooooo, what. If it is good, then good,  and so it's opposite is true. We do not need any one else to support or contradict our choice. And so I loved this passage of scripture from Exodus 23 :

"Thou shalt not follow a multitude to do evil" 

 

  

Two things I grasped yesterday

1) You do not even have to say things and it is as known.

In class yesterday, our teacher brilliantly explained how we can know that a person believes something although they never say it, maybe this goes along with "actions speak louder than words" and "you say it best when you say nothing at all".

Like my lawyer who warned me about moving to Utah, because they were all Mormon. I told him that I was. Because I had never discussed anything spiritual, he was very surprised and said, "Oh. I thought you were Christian." Rarely have I been so flattered. That was how I truly gained a testimony of this Church. I knew and loved Christ and sought to know him better and recognize him. It becomes obvious then that this is his church.

2) I am safe in saying the good guy does win.

Always do what is right, because it's right, duh, just sing the song "choose the right when a choice is placed before you..." Lena taught me that in primary one day. I was her teacher and primary pianist. She was asked a question and I cringed cause I didn't know the answer so I hoped she didn't look to me to save her. She matter of factly said, "Oh, I know that. Choose the right." How Brilliant and I was her CTR teacher I should have known. Ahh well. She was perfectly correct.

Then, in class, the teacher said again that at judgement, no one will get away with anything or think that any justice was avoided. Hence I feel safe to say the good guy wins what he deserves...good. It just feels like people get away with things because of the appearance of a shorter time frame.

Egocentric

My thought was about how after enough time passes my words are no longer taken in the context in which they were used and then I see the brilliance that was there, though at the time I never saw anything even slightly wonderful about my words or life, that is a beautiful thing about journals.

I think it may be eccentric to like yourself, so I choose pious instead and claim that it is just God that I love.

Maybe it is just a feeling of self appreciation, where you feel goodenough that Sister Clarke (Gram's mom) spoke about last week. Because I am not pleased with myself overall, but I do love some facets of myself and I freely share my opinions and figure they will be well received by others.