Loose ends

This morning I am closing an epoch and, as crocheters say, "weaving in the loose ends."

I will list some ends that although tied off are dangli, ,,ng about and we cannot allow that.

1)boys. Is it cultural or is it just a waste of time for the investment never yields good returns. Boys are not expected to clean up, moms do it, occassionally, a boy is taught "home skills" and such a feat is highly applauded. Then, a boy's home is called a Bachelor pad because it is ill-kept and part of marrying is finding a woman to take care of them. Really? Why not just learn to take care of yourself, if women are expected to work for any money they might want in addition to taking care of the kids?

2) The trick to love is finding someone as close to seeing and wanting the same things as you, trouble is that we think that we are up to the challenge, but marriage ought to be a support not a challenge.

Everytime I think it is love I realize it is just another want, sometimes it is actually getting closer as it includes motivation to overcome and be better, but that is not love. Love is best summed up in two phrases, one gifted to me by a dear friend: "make sure you are on the same page." and "be ye not unequally yoked".

Too much "choosing time"

Church is canceled this morning, so what do I do? Think.

I think I ought to listen to conference talks or read scriptures, but my mind is consumed considering how I would go about righting the only inequality I see between the sexes. For some reason, and maybe nothing should be done about it, but men can, and it confused me so much about age, I am just now sorting it out. Anyhow, for sone reason, men can begin anew much later in life, in fact men I consider my age are actually much older, and menu age I consider soooo young. Yet, women my age seem too old and older they seem "out to pasture". But, maybe that is howvit ought to be so that men do not have the competition as they try again. And older men tend to like younger women so it always made sense to me because they are matured enough to be equals, now the fact that they get to do over later in life when women are considered too old, is ideally happening so that men can make enough money to support the aging women or a new family. I do not think women need to be doldiers or noy scouts, not do I think they need to be princesses, but it has evolved and worked for sooo long maybe we should work with it instead of fight against it as inequality. But, in school my feminist teachers used to say they were wortied about women like me, especially when I voiced the opinion that the Taming of the Shrew taught valuable lessons about gender roles, and how resolution can only come by working with what ought to be.

Negativity

Ok, I have reached the point of many names. Many have traveled here and given this place a name. It is referred to popularly as self-actualization. Every one goes through it, and musicians sing about it. On some level everyone can find some way they relate and want to know that as they "become" or "wake up" whatever you want to call it "everyone wants to feel like someone cares" or " we read to know that we are not alone."

It feels like I have actually been born again and from this moment forward I am aware of the choices that I make. As a new level of awareness, I am accutely aware of negativity, mostly feelings. So, I do not want to have them at all. But, even thinking of Utah makes me feel cross. And yesterday, I was just walking in a store and no one even looked at me, but I was hateful feeling. I do not want to have these types of feelings. I do not speak out or express them, but I do not want to even have them.

A few weeks ago someone mentioned how we all have triggers, or maybe you have heard someone mention pushing buttons, but there were absolutely no buttons anywhere. This is not that. This is agency, not something akin to Pavlov's dogs. Where one simply reacts, like "falling in love". When you fall you are not in control at all. So, I think that explains waves of divorce, a large number of people gave up their ability to chose and then when they stop falling or hit bottom or maybe fall in love again, they are not in control, love is. How convenient.

Well, I am in control, and it feels like the skit I saw as a teen where they compare life to a three act play, and I suddenly find myself in act two surrounded by actors. The show must go on? Or, do I admit that I do not know at all what is going on? I was trying to tactfully find a new scene, but, I know that everyone else involved is invested and it is pretty selfish to only think of my place. And yet, if I do not say something I might be surrendering my will and my ability. The ability, that I actually recognize, to not allow negativity, which is why I am trying to figure out what causes it.

Cookies are done. And such shall be my concluding punctuation. They are sugar free cookie, though!

Outside the cage

This action cannot be wished for or anything, unless outside the box. Or standard way.

So if I be so inclined, which I am. I will find a way around this whole rule of not forcing a will.

It kinda reminds me of mcguyver. Impossible, only in a world of rules, but to the writters who created that world they toy with the viewer in finding a merciful way out, and even conquer death. Everyone knows that in make-believe land death is not at all final.

Its a wonderful life

Ok, this is a thought ot felt short, maybe too uninvolved to be a blog post, but clearly too long for a status update.

I was feeling really ugly. And the solution came, unexpectedly, "It's a Wonderful Life" style. First, was compliments, a make over and anything a person would want to feel pretty, but it did nothing. And if at all it made me worse knowing that I had nothing to  blame for being so hideous, but myself, most people would be gorgeous with a bit of time and attention. Then, I messed all of that up and looked worse, and got fatter, all I longed for was to be myself again.

This morning, I am no more beautiful than I ever was, but somehow it was enough. I did not need to be improved or look as good as anyone else. It was great just to look like myself, I like me.

Um, update, cause I do not think I ever explained what any of it has to do with "It's A Wonderful Life". In the movie, George Bailey, the hero discovers his terrible life by previous standards was actually wonderful by other views. When the honest prayers of others were answered an heavenly angel gave him his saving perspective, by allowing him to see the worth of his life as if he never was, which is what was seen as the thing that defined his existence at first. He honestly felt it would be better to not exist by those standards, but when he saw the value of his life from the perspective of those he had effected or even saved. The ripples of that choice were profound. I realized how beautiful I was not by getting what I want, but loosing what I had. Now, is it clear?