My Super Master plan!

"and when you recieve these things..."

1) Do whatever it takes to get my question to someone who can and will answer.

2) Accept the answer as truth(avoiding the responsibility for the veracity of my answer) and obey.

this is so plain and easy to understand. It is a whole lot like my previous master plan: 1) Know what is right. and 2) Do it.

But, there are alot of details to this plan. but, it feels good knowing that I do have a plan and know where I am and where I am headed.

Obvious foreshadowing

Yeah, you'd think the characters would notice things that the reader picks up on but like the characters in the story we are all a touch slow when it comes to our own stories.

Alot of things have been neatly prepared for me, but the final step is more of a leap, like that first step out your door Bilbo Baggins talks about or that cool "leap of faith" in the "Temple of Doom." Now that I know what to do, that does not make it any easier,\. The only thing that pushes me forward is, no, not encouragement from others, but a hope that it will be more than worth it, I've heard such a situation refered to as a "pipe dream". I assume that is reckoning back to a dream-like state brought on by smoking a pipe of peyote or something. Fiction seems realer than reality but trying to bridge that gap, or turn a dreamed notion into reality though it seems likely to be true is still not reasonable. such are my delusions.

Dr. Eleazar

When I was first given an MRI in Gallatin, the resident Nuerologist said that my scan was normal, but Dr. Eleazar disagreed and I was sent via ambulance to Vanderbilt, where at night little nurses came in and asked if they could sneak a peek at my baby through the U/S Machine, ok they didn't ask, but I was still aware but pretended to not be because they were students and I wanted to help. it was sucha small thing. I ended upsigning away to be included in several studies that used tissue and fluid from my brain biopsy and spinal fluid from Lumbar Punctures. The strangest request was from a Pyschologist, who asked my permission to publish a story about me in an article he was writting. I do not even know what it was about. But, I was reviewing several points of interest in my mind.

I decided to see a psychologist after I fiished my time with therapists who said I was fine, but clearly, I wasn't.

On my first visit to Dr. Eleazar he thanked me for chosing him and asked if I even knew who he was. I said "The good doctor" I recall he even visited me in Vanderbilt, but at the time I just assumed that he was part of the assigned Nuerologists, who, when one guy left, I started crying and told them that I was sorry for their loss, I thought he had died. lol.

He gave me a piece of paper and asked me to fold it. I was confused as to what this would ascertain, but he also took my weight and told me that I was not even close to being overweight when I asked if he could write me a perscription for weight loss.

Here is the kicker! He asked me to remember three things and I told him what they were before he said them. Pink, Piano and Kentucky. during my "talks" with people in the hospital I was asked things I still cannot think of (like the date or the President - but I listed them in succession from George Washington in order according to my mother, strange) Anyway he had asked me to remember three things then and never asked for them again. He still hasn't. So, I took liberties to blurt them out then.

I have strong memories of his office on Main street in Gallatin, and his receptionist, but Brandall told me that my medical bills were over 500 thousand dollars, so I decided if I was going to be accountable I needed to stop incurring debt.
that Memory Shifted as I was looking at pictures made by my children for a mothers day years ago. I remembered the time I visited hmmmmm, he worked on cars, she had a Volvo SW and theit name started with W. And she had a dughter in cookeville. Anyway, I told them that I was really fond of their interior decor. On the way home Brandall (who is quite spartan in his decor) warned me that he would not allow such over decoration. Oh! perish the thought. I just liked it for them. I believe Lena stayed there one time and fell down a step, I recall odd things even still.

realize this!

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible so that I wouldn't have time to realize this.

After allowing myself to think about it, it changes nothing, so fooey!

I realized that I loved Brandall but I could not love him because of what he did, I could no sooner love satan as I thought was possible. Now I know that forgiveness has limits. love does not overcome betrayal in every case. I was wrong about other things, too. I did not think that I could forgive the people that tortured and killed the savior. On my cell phone I gave my exhusband the name of Judas Iscariot, but my children kept asking about it, soI stopped doing that. It isn't really as fitting as I thought. I can forgive Judas, but I cannot forgive Brandall. He tried to ruin something that cannot be replaced, Judasonly ruined something that was supposed to be ruined.

I thought maybe I could forgive him and return to what was, because I have tried so hard to recreate it, but cannot, My love is not to be duplicated, it is totally different, so much that I eve thought that it might not be love yet, because I knew the strong feeling I get about Nick is only Hate, but I am still learning and there is much wisdom to not doing what comes naturally or first, but wait and see.

Worst of all, I realized that Brandall was somehow right, I did love someone else vicariously, not instead of him though. That was why I chose him I see it now. I honestly do not know what to call it, but I do not make all of my choices as I had thought I do. but, I will be responsible even if I do not yet understand a whole lot.

I try even now, not to admit it even just to myself, in secret, but there it is, I'll not dwell on it after admitting it though, but there has always been something else that I was looking for, and I had even been warned, or foreshadowingly told to not fall for most, but hold out for the whole. if I had been as happy as I thought I was I would not be in this situation. it has been a blessing, a glimpse into "but what if". I got everything I thought I needed, as I always do but was shown that my choice, when I could rightfully make it was what I have now. So, I'll stop blaming Nicholas for taking advantage of a win situation for him, he took a risk, that must always be done to achieve greater. Crud, am I referring to myself as a prize? bah!

regardless, realizing things were one way when I always though they were truly another changes nothing, but my resolve. I need to go find a crochet hook, now that I've taken the time to realize all of this.