realize this!

I have been trying to stay as busy as possible so that I wouldn't have time to realize this.

After allowing myself to think about it, it changes nothing, so fooey!

I realized that I loved Brandall but I could not love him because of what he did, I could no sooner love satan as I thought was possible. Now I know that forgiveness has limits. love does not overcome betrayal in every case. I was wrong about other things, too. I did not think that I could forgive the people that tortured and killed the savior. On my cell phone I gave my exhusband the name of Judas Iscariot, but my children kept asking about it, soI stopped doing that. It isn't really as fitting as I thought. I can forgive Judas, but I cannot forgive Brandall. He tried to ruin something that cannot be replaced, Judasonly ruined something that was supposed to be ruined.

I thought maybe I could forgive him and return to what was, because I have tried so hard to recreate it, but cannot, My love is not to be duplicated, it is totally different, so much that I eve thought that it might not be love yet, because I knew the strong feeling I get about Nick is only Hate, but I am still learning and there is much wisdom to not doing what comes naturally or first, but wait and see.

Worst of all, I realized that Brandall was somehow right, I did love someone else vicariously, not instead of him though. That was why I chose him I see it now. I honestly do not know what to call it, but I do not make all of my choices as I had thought I do. but, I will be responsible even if I do not yet understand a whole lot.

I try even now, not to admit it even just to myself, in secret, but there it is, I'll not dwell on it after admitting it though, but there has always been something else that I was looking for, and I had even been warned, or foreshadowingly told to not fall for most, but hold out for the whole. if I had been as happy as I thought I was I would not be in this situation. it has been a blessing, a glimpse into "but what if". I got everything I thought I needed, as I always do but was shown that my choice, when I could rightfully make it was what I have now. So, I'll stop blaming Nicholas for taking advantage of a win situation for him, he took a risk, that must always be done to achieve greater. Crud, am I referring to myself as a prize? bah!

regardless, realizing things were one way when I always though they were truly another changes nothing, but my resolve. I need to go find a crochet hook, now that I've taken the time to realize all of this.