Saturday, October 4, 2008

my conclusions - very blunt

I was worried about how I looked, not just being healthy and happy, which caused me alot of unnecessary grief. I mentally could understand the error of my ways but lacked the knowledge of how to apply it. after alot of serious consideration. I thought more deeply on who i was and what I needed. True i was falling in love with someone i thought was "perfect" for me in body, mind and spirit. but after a few talks of conference things clicked and I realized how vain and prideful I was being. It was like eating the fruit from nephi's vision and then feeling ashamed cause of the spacious building.

As I listened more things opened in my mind. i realized that it was both good and very bad to be enlightened. "Ignorance is Bliss." it is harder but better to be forced to choose something over the other when you can rationalize either being correct. or a while thinking about things existing on levels of correctness worked that both things could be right, but one more correct than the other. but Then I though how I just want someone to give a talk on revelation and just explain precisely how we know things are true. it will never happen. so I write to fill that void caused commonly in the hearts and minds of those who suffer like I do.

when the spirit speaks to your heart it is undeniable, it is a calm peace that causes your burdens to "seem" meaningless and light. I am LDS not because of the rhetoric of the church, or cause my dad is bigger than your dad, but because I have felt it. the holy ghost has undeniably spoken words to my heart, that my whole self agrees on. people talked about early saints having a sure conviction of the truth, yet being disgusting to the Lord because of other faults. Lehi's dream made more sense, not that it lacked understanding or clarity notably in the first place. there was another anecdote that explained the point that we can "Know enough" without understanding everything. that made another huge impression. A Missionary said that he Didn't "Know" that what he was doing was right. but his mentor got the whispering in his heart (other men are easier to believe than the spirit, huh?) that this young man did so "know" and as he told the man he was wrong, he did know he was right. The Spirit spoke through him to this man (a real 'teaching moment').

Since no one will read this much except for myself in the future, think to laugh on this all. i very nearly fell in love with a guy on twitter who i thought was all i wanted, and was ready to rationalize that I already lived and accomplished all I needed so the rest of this life was just bonus time for me, I could do all the things I would if i were completely free off "ought to do's". but I made that mistake before. I dumped Robert for Mike cause he said he rode his bike across Scotland, bout me antiquarian books, and worked at Microsoft. turns out Robert was perfect for me, though Mike seemed to be. I met Mike at the SF Bridge, and when to Yellow Stone & Manti with Robert, Duh! though Mike won me over in making sure our motel in Berkley was safe, and i really liked his computer. I vainly thought you could tell alot about someone from their computer. False. it is potential that you ought to judge by, not what they choose. and here I thought all along Actions speak louder than words, and so they are most important. wrong. actions arr more important than words, but a personal anecdote that I'll not relate taught me that potential is more important. Communication cannot be forged out of sheer will power, another vain thing I believed. I did not consider myself a vain and overly proud person, but my realities show me that I did need to be humbled. We are purposely given weaknesses.

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