What are you looking for?

I was thinking again.

This time I was thinking about how my mental state is very similar to my original self or old one before my illness. I was realizing how in a way I relived all of my life in a much quicker pace. I revisited each mental and emotional state and I concluded that I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I still want foremost to belong. How dare I continue forward and bring lives into a world when I have not figured out my place yet?

Erickson's theory is right. Until we get it right we cannot really move forward. There are many ways to make up for deficiencies, but the only way is to acknowledge a failure and repent, and do over.

As I was thinking about what I did and what I should have done I instantly thought about my employment rejections and how sad they made me, but I can see, through them, that any rejection is ultimately for our own good. Let me explain. See you in the next paragraph.

Ah, you made it! It occured to me that even though not getting a job meant no opportunity to try to fit, but job descriptions and trial periods attempt to show what kind of peg will fit. And just because you do not fit one job only means there is another one perfectly suited for you out there somewhere.

It is so much easier to talk about distant things, like our stories that are long ago or far away. Growing up, I felt very distant from popular culture. Magazines and ads had no effect on me cause they were of and for people in some other world. I wasn't one of them, and I didn't care what those "city slickers" did. I wasn't.fond, in the least, of their styles or such anyway.

But, then I toured Europe, went to a fine arts camp, and now we have the internet. We actually, must coexist with those unreal lifestyles, and fashions.

I knew of a "skater", and I actually held his hand in a game once, so he was real. I had the hugest crush on him. Kevin O'Bryant. Probably never knew that I exsisted. He was a Chatanoga boy. Or in other words from the Big City. We were both on the Stake Youth Committee but,  I never thought that type of person had a place in my world, until a missionary, Elder Johnson, came to Elkhart, IN and he had a DM tie tack. What the heck was DM? I was a Drum Major, maybe that's what it was! Ends up, it was a music group. They were labled New Age, something city people listned to. I bet Kevin O'Bryant did. I heard a lady at church sing with a vibrato once, but everyone laughed and thought it a strange thing to do. Maybe that was new age.

Like I said, I,have lived through all of that and now imerge, able to think well, I think, but I do not know what in the heck I am doing. The person I was before would have never done it, and I do not approve, but what can I do? It seems any solution lies outside myself.

I feel like the brother of Jared when asked, what do you want me to do? Fix it and make it all better. The other world says, " If you have enough money you can do it for yourself." But, my world says, "If you want to be obedient, you have to take responsibility, but do what you decide is best, if it fails you learn what not to do and if you don't fail you'll succeed. But, doing nothing is foolish and worst of all selfish."