journal type thought that recurs - part 1

It all began, noticing my traits, in college when I was being interviewed to be a counselor. I was ask if I saw myself as a conformist. Oh dear! I knew that my gut answer was going to dismiss myself as a possible candidate, but I was already in the recruiting video, and on the pamphlet for the school, so I had done my part and so I would not regret my honest answer. I said that in fact I thought of myself as a conformist. Eeeeek! later, as I thought about what I said it frightened me. thought of my self as belonging to a group that identified themselves as not belonging. How dishonest, and entirely untrue!!
As I returned to my dorm room that evening and replayed the interview I realized what I had said, and though those words did not adequately describe me they taught me a valuable lesson about myself. I was an actual nonconformist not one who merely conformed to others who were rejected.

Ok, so that was the planting of a seed. Later, after I left school and got a great job in Computers, I was dissatisfied because I was female 25 and not married. All my life I had been taught the role of females was to leave her father's home and adopt another patriarch and teach others to accept him as an absolute ruler. So, in my eyes, although I had accomplished great, nearly the greatest things, they seemed as dross because they did not include a patriarch. further I had been musing over the idea that professional woman surely COULD perform better, but shouldn't. In fact, at one point, a newly hired man was laid off, but I was not. Sure, it was likely because I performed better, but he was trying to support a family and I was taking a source of income from him, sort of. I decided that if all women stayed home and took care of things of the home more jobs would be available to men so that they COULD provide them "the dream" life.

So, I got married. Honestly, my expectations were never that high. I just wanted a provider who was LDS. I should have been extremely happy when I found it and was sealed in the temple and told him that he was stuck with me, and he said that was what he wanted. I had three beautiful children, no job, and was living exactly as I had been taught, but I wonder if I taint my own memory, because I recall feeling empty like something was wrong, before my life exploded.

I was hospitalized with a freak Brain/nervous system infection that nearly killed me, but I was not so lucky. huh? Why did I see it as lucky to end life? because if it was happy, ever after could stay, I thought. So, I was divorced and my ex-husband took my three children because I was deemed incompetent. Medical experts testified that I would likely never function well. I was in a wheelchair and struggled to eat and talk, and caring for young children is hard work!!

I keep getting side-tracked. perhaps this will be a multi-parter...