Gasp!

I find that timing is always an issue for me and so I am about to go under again, I had a long enough time to gasp, lungs filled with air. I am going to loose access to it again for a while.

When I can breathe I do not value it so much as when I am in need of air and I resent the oxygen around me doing me no good as it is bein put to use as it water. I clearly see that I need Oxygen, and it is everywhere around me, but already in use. It is these times when I know clearly what I must do, or is it just desperation? Because, as soon as I am able to breathe again, the tming is off and I start to think that maybe sinking underwater is not so bad. I surely will escape someday, so I gasp and sink again.

My question is why are my moments of clarity only when I cannot do anything about it? And then I become confused and unsure of my choices when I could, only briefly, help myself.

I have been told that confusion is equated to a no. Is this true? I honestly want to do what is right, no matter how hard it maybe, um on second thought, I am sorry I even thought that. There are many situations that I would avoid if I could and I can. So, does that mean my own comfort causes my confusion? Hmmmm