Friday, November 11, 2011

perspective?

nothing changed from now and earlier today, but
I had decided that I was being silly and that everything was wonderful here to now I am as angry with Nick as I ever could possibly be. I cannot stand him. So what is my deal? My observation startled me. I thought it was my obsession with being loved that needed to be reevaluated. I couldn't think of a reason to need to be attractive besides finding a mate, and I tried to be ugly and unkepmt, to exteme, but it didn't phase Nick, and I thought it must be love, to decide to love someone regardless of how they appeared, and I did look nice when we met. But a thought that really resonated was that it doesn't matter who can be the ugliest. I had always thought that if my ugliest was prettier than others then it would gain me some sort of preference, but I realized it was a time old thing to try to look pretty because people want to know how much potential you have an it is easier to assess by looking appealing... or as mom taught me, looking clean.

My conclusion is that My relationship with Nick has nothing nor ever had anything to do with attraction. I do not understand why that is important either, but I do know that attraction is typically called love. I was out to prove that notion wrong, but ended up poving to myself how correct it is.

I defined love to be the power to overcome. Attrraction is what causes love to form. For me and Nick, it was my will to have a family, which I do have, now what? Absolutely nothing. And it has been misunderstood that I do not appreciate my family because I do not love Nick, but that is untrue. the only reason I am curently with Nick is to keep my family together. Mentally, I believed that my thoughts were dominant. I could feel a certain way, if it made sense, by doing it. I mentally thought that Nick was a better choice fo me, but I am still very much attracted to Brandall, and though it seems mentally wrong and I can think all of the ways it is worse, I fear that if I didn't believe that I could find a resolution out there, somewhere, I'd throw caution to the wind and put all of my eggs back in that fragile basket, come what may. but, I do believe that I will find a ballance. I will find a relationship that feels right and mentally seems right. I will find my peace. That is what I desire. I was busy desiring to be attracted to Nick and happy with the life that I'm living because it really does make sense.

1 comment:

Melissah said...

Ok, yes, I'm bored I haven't read this, but wanted to say "Hey, Cool date alert!"