It's a good thing...

As I was thinking some stuff my exact thoughts were: You hear yourself? I was thinking after an LGBT Fireside, sure it worked out, but they could collaborate and make such a perfect story. I remember my terrible situation and feeling such things and Everytime I concluded the same impossible solution. I wish my situation was so cookie cutter and easy to see how to act.... Um ok, you are thinking Crazy thoughts, Melissa. They just vehemently expressed how unique their situation was, because it turned out so wonderfully does not change the terrible heartache they endured. The spirit was teaching here, did you miss it? It was obviously orchestrated that you be there and hear exactly that. Well, still, if my mouth spoke my thoughts they would sound impossible, but that is exactly what I concluded time and time again.

I need to love more. Even then I will still never earn the sort of life I desire. So what, instinct may be to hate and seek vengeance. I have even momentarily, mind you, considered how to escape by killing. Love, love, love.

Although at dinner Nick told Mary to strike back if someone harms her. This is ABSOLUTELY not how things should ever be done. My instinct is to find peace in solitude because I am miserable and misunderstood, in the fireside it was suggested that we speak up and become more involved, again, against what I might naturally do. But, oh well. I will love...and largely because I see the great good it did with Bennett and his husband at the time. Their divorce was necessary but amlicable! Enough....bedtime.

Captured my imagination

My thoughts are consumed to the point that if I do not find the solution I will not be able to rest.

My realization comes with accepting that there are constants, and operating within them is possible. At a very young age I faced a serious question regarding the age of the Earth with the existence of Dinosaur fossils. I quickly decided that such creatures formed oil which we needed to advance, ok, so that is not a real answer. But, if we keep asking, and allowing our minds arenas where truths may be shared and accepted, impossibilities become real. My mother told me that we needed not to understand everything, but just accept that God created things, but even he needed to obey to create and surely I can appreciate that. Which opened the door for a discussion where someone shared what they believed. That the fossils truly exist on our Earth, but that does not necessarily mean that Dinosaurs ever even lived on what we refer to was Earth.

Even if I struggled to follow that notion, the portion of truth I did incorporate into my reality, which is sort of McGuyverish is that for a thing to be true I need not understand how. Even if MyGuyver was trapped in a box that meant certain death, there was likely a way out that I was oblivious to. This surfaced again when the whole DNA reality challenged what I believed regarding the Book of Mormon peoples. Mom thought the whole doubt rediculous. We do not only believe because it makes sense, but to help us in times when we cannot yet make sense of a thing. So, I believed and eventually more was uncovered scientifically to prove my original ideas were completely founded on scientific reality.

Ok. So, though hard to understand somethings right now, I can trust that there are rules that I may be yet unaware of as yet to explain why a thing, or in my present confusion, how a thing is accomplished. It makes sense in terms of a TV show I just watched where the Hero is impossibly placed in situations to appear to have muddled things up, irreparably. But, a woman continues to believe in him and explains that regardless how things appear, she trusts this guy, and in the end her trust ends up justified.

So, is reality a creation, much like a poem or musical composition? When the genre changes, with it the Rhythm, Timbre and such change and become new tools, could this be true with reality, too? With the technology of an era what is real is documented differently, but it is taken into account by those who create it? My ultimate question is how can so much "transparency" be used to create the sort of reality I want vs. the reality that someone else wants and how to I converge them?

Hah! I quickly recalled an piece by Charles Ives where he fuses two genres in one saying that this one piece is of two separate bands being heard during a parade. Brilliant notion! I have much more to think of...

Howie Day songs

Whenever I listen to the songs of Howie Day I get very pensive. There is a line is Collide that says, "you make a first impression..." And the more I thought about regretting the first impression I had made in a situation or two, I felt bad. Goes back to repentance, I guess. What if Saul only got one chance at being and could not ever change, and by Saul I refer to the man the Bible refers to as Paul.

Beethoven?

Excuse me.

So, we do get to change and my thought was that perhaps in some cases we do not need a second chance just a very very long first one. Now, I am thinking of quantum physics which always makes my mind turn to God and I thought how for him all is present, so no need for first impressions if we truly focus on becoming eternal beings.

Understanding repentance

So, to repent, according to my daughter, we need a sactioned ordinance to sort of die and be reborn. That seems to go against what things I had been taught or feel, but it is working in me. I can feel it, although I do not yet understand it.

Repentance is not just improving what is. Repentance is changing what is.

Walking away

I just saw a quote that disturbed me, because it felt like laquer. Sure, it filled in cracks and looked nice, or made for a nice facade, like homes for sale in Tennessee, that have new vinal paneling placed over a faded paint job. It looked great and new while underneath a real wood exterior rotted away. This quote felt good it touted health would be achieved through simply walking away from things one did not like, and I have had to learn from experience that is not the right approach. It is true that at times a situation or person is toxic or harmful to our health, even physical exertion can feel painful, but avoiding the person or situation is like side stepping a mess on a pathway so that someone else can deal with it.

Although, I cannot suggest running  headlong into an undesirable situation; I do not condone walking away from it. I suggest making whatever alterations must be made to turn the situation around. True health can result, and though it is harder to repaint an entire home, and would appear better perhaps to simply cover it. In the long run, the effort will both be more honest and improve a situation for the future. I feel like that is what is needed in many situations rather than just walking away. This applies to many situations and people. I felt the need to say such because I naturally want to accept such a solution, but realize that it may not be the best long-term (eternal) solution.

I feel supported in this notion through these talks:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2002/09/choosing-and-being-the-right-spouse

https://youtu.be/sQ1yLFIEVNo

Everyone?

Yesterday, someone sat right beside me on a train. Honestly, I had to pretend to be having the conversation because I could not hear much of what was said, but a few discernable things piqued my interest. He said, "you don't Look like you are feeling fine." I started to think about the book 1984 and how the hero (Winston) says that looking a certain way is easy enough.

How did I appear to others?

I quickly answered any trace of unplacicity (readable on my face) was due to concern about learning to let go and trust my children. He said a whole lot, and I couldn't discern much beyond that it was very wise rhetoric and this guy was mentally challenged in someway and I ought to keep conversation very simple and surface level. Then, he said a thing I am still repeating in my head, " oh come on. Everyone rebels at some point." Truth is, on every level. I always and always had been a good drone (an obedient individual). I sort of defined myself as one who obeys or has learned to align my desires with those expected of me by others. I assumed this was survival. Oh great, now Darwin is added to the mix of thoughts generated by one thing some semi-sane stranger said on a train in downtown Salt Lake City.

If...

I have always been fascinated with the notion of if.... it's a part of life, no?

Well, I was listening to the Nickelback song "If Everyone Cared". I had a thought when the song was pontificating what life would be like if people truly cared, the part "like you and I" that made my thought raise an eyebrow.

Oh, if everyone truly cared there would be no divorce... I mean if a family mattered enough we would care enough to endure for the sake, right? We would just need to "swallow our pride". Ok. That part clicks, or resonates with other things I have accepted as true, but the whole " like you and I" thing still makes me think...

Who benefits?

Qui Bono?

It hit me like a ton of bricks to realize that I have only had marginal successes in my various pursuits because my aim has always been selfish.

I am not naturally self-centered nor is it my goal to serve myself, yet that is exactly what I do.

When becoming a mother, which is very strange to even consider that I ever wasn't, I focused on others out of necessity. I always thought it odd and notable though how often we are reminded that in order to help others we must see to our own needs first. Oh well, this is not that.

Most specifically, in making videos I actually intend to share insights, like now, but my motivating goal is to show others that I am of value, too...just look at my thoughts! If my purpose had been to improve my audience, I would have improved content, and that will help me reach a new height.

Look at videos that are truly valuable... The self is almost always off camera or unrecognized and it does not matter, the information does.

Tower battle lessons

My son is going to be an incredible man. This is a thing I have always hoped and am yet astounded at how much better he will be than I even imagined.

As this post title suggests it was inspired by the revelations that poured in after playing with him for a bit today on Roblox.

Before playing, I only heard music from the games an ocassionally ansewered affirmatively when asked if I saw or liked what the kids did. It has replaced Minecraft as the number onecontender for attention around here. It allows me to get so much done, but I had to play along with them now to see exactly what they spent so much of their existence on.

I was pleasantly surprised to see my little boy was choosing to learn how through strategy cordinate different specialists to achieve a win over the many minions and bad guys who came wave after wave. I also noticed hiw easy it was to think I was good when I played with him because he always protected me and used his great power to make things easier for me.

When we had multiple players one player seemed to act counter intuitively by using earned income to place a DJ. The whole game is stratagedy and this seemed wrong to me. When he could have afforded another soldier. So, I asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHAT ON EART DOES A DJ EVEN DO?  Ends up, he was sacrificing his strength to help me cause Joe asked him to. A DJ made my attacks mire powerful and efficient aswell as allowing me to upgrade more. How thoughtful! We won! And I am sure I would not have done so alone. The game brocasts a message before each game that reminds the objective and that no one method always works. I thought, except teamwork!

A lesson a few weeks ago for FHE was about strengthening a family, based on a talk by Boyd K. Packer. An in it he told a parable which was a much deeper explanation of the roles of men and women and how they depend on eachother.

This is my answer and why I did not get the apartment or job when I certainly "could" have achieved such objectives ifI wanted to. It is better for me to allow Nick to provide for our family.

I have no doubt that I COULD provide and acheive as I see logical or best as I see things, but that is not the best thing for me to do in this family right now. I learned that from playing tower battles with my kids today. And I am glad they choose to play such games that teach them such brilliant and needed life lessons.

Being careful

Like a train I cannot derail because it looks unpleasant ahead. I literally cannot. I found a lot of inspiration in Sister Craven's conference talk this morning.

I have been promised the opportunity of being sealed to one who would love and cherish me. God keeps his promises. I am sure of that. I need to be constant in my promises, and repent of any failure to do so.

If sacrifices are equal to the blessings and all exactly like were previous. They would be exploited and anyone could gain great blessings through like sacrifices. I guess that is what motivates suicide bombers...

I absolutely know that the reason we are to come here blindly and build our families is so that we can learn the things that only family life can teach. Gaining a body is a given, keeping it is more important and most important is to find someone to create with and start something necessarily for eternal life. So families might not be necessary for temporal success but they are what I wondered wouldbe important eternally.

Joy

I wonder where I got the idea that attraction right now will not equal the joy of finding peace in an other existance. But, my actions have almost always been out of whack with what is going on around me. It made me question things like the guy sings about in that song " World" by 5 for fighting. https://youtu.be/1JDY1KvoQYk

I wonder if I am just chosing to play by their rules afterall in deciding why I am not following their rules.

So, if I choose to build the sort of family I think I need. I chose that it is more important to sacrifice the want to fall in love and figure that is only "mortal" anyhow... There's more to this than love. But, it feels like agame show where you can take a prize which is awesome or trade it for the possibility of a greater thing hidden behind a curtain. I almost always take the sure thing, yet in this case I say " forget reality, I want the opportunity to be really happy instead of sort of happy right now."

Ugggh! Heavy considerations always do this to me.

Brain type

Late at night I tend to figuring out my thoughts only difference between me and most is that I don't dream it I do it while awake. It often feels unfortunate. Dreams seem a much more fun and even sensible way to let our ideas run wild.

It is an already established thing that our brains work differently, right? Well, I do not have a neat little lable for my method of thought (thus feeling). I merely KNOW that my thoughts are not what one considers "common" sense. One of the biggest indications is in a classroom setting, a teacher points out a topic found in a passage and then requests comments and I can sense the truth in what is said, but generally my thoughts were entirely different unless trained to conform with the masses. I think that is a reason I do not like large groups of people unless I am in someway the leader.

Also, my mother does not process any sensation of smell.No big deal, right? Wrong. Things do not smell...our brain assigns that attribute, so if it is not included in a memory, it takes up considerably less ammount of whatever our brains use to save memories. Over a few years such a thing would leave large swaths of unallocated space which would add up to more useable brain power. Or the fact such a difference would be undetectable by others makes me wonder how much of what I sense is not actually shared by others. Recently, I learned about proprioception and it has always been a part of how I sense the world. Maybe, like gravity there are more forces of the universe that are sensed in varying degrees by others just not acknowledged like Isaac Newton did for gravity. Being aware of it didn't effect that it just WAS. And recently, quantum physicists acknowledge that in some cases the "truths" that we study and use to interpret and communicate the world around us may not be as "universal" as we thought.

This one is "out there" but it is like a claim found in the phantom of the opera. As I consider my growth and development opposed to my children. They lack a sort of inner compass that I had, and I often think, "hmm. How can I explain such a complex principle in a way that they will understand?" All the while, I thpught I was self-taught becausein many things my way of thinking of it differs from my parents. Um, the thought is that perhaps why I love ideas so much is that I had a sort of personal tutor (I use that terminology because I lack the words to express how ideas come). I am not believing that any person is teaching me in a way that I understand but my brain works very well and that is because of how new ideas were introduced. Below is a clip of how I can best describe my experience:

https://youtu.be/7lG2zPKo9e4

Legends of Tomorrow

I have been watching this DC comic TV show and almost always a thought wells up regarding what a significantly important era we live in particularly for women. Without delving into specifics, this time is a time like no other for women and instead of being thankful and using the freedoms we have to bless others(which seems a good reason for wanting this power in the first place) women want more and they become as power hungry as the male dominated society they first sought to be equal to.

As each era is visited the distinctions given to this one become very clear especially in the roles that may be filled by  a woman. Setting this show aside, it was also clear by the novel "Jane Eyre" which could not even be seen as being written and published except through an assumed pen name which was male because of the strict social norms of the patriarchal society. Let alone the fact that Jane was herself an orphaned woman who still was self sufficient. Could it be possible that a woman actually had worth beyond being a male sex toy? And yet, women still obsess about appealing to men or usurping their dominance.

I applaud the equality and wish I held a great remote control to hit the pause button. So we could simply come to appreciate how much we have gained before we loose any femininity in seeking more power and domination.

What hurt's the most...

The oddest things have transpired I still need some cushion in the form of time to weigh and consider it all. My first most sure revelations which I am no longer afraid of disclosing:of all things, my family matters most. No question about that ever. And I am not sure of how much time I have wasted and how much I have left, but I simply cannot leave any stone unturned when it comes to being sealed.

I was going to leave for home as soon as school was out. But then, today a thing happened that made me rerealize where I was actually needed, but why I need time is because I know enough to know that at times me have to seem to do the opposite of what seems to be an obvious choice to reach our long term goals.

So, like I said, I have a whole lot to weigh out. But like most of my mental training suggests to me in games like Go or chess, though my end game is clear my strategy is weak. On lumosity i play a pirate navigation game where I know that I could accomplish my goal but mental fatigue after a few moves/consequences are weighed I give up knowing the right move will be revealed but I will loose...so what, huh?

The most amazing thing happened at the grocery store. As I was preparing to shop I asked myself a purely rhetorical question. And my instinct answer to myself made me giggle. I had an actual chemical/brain reward sensation. But, then I sensored my response to be more sensible and as I entered the store the song was playing " what hurt the most was being so close and having so much to say..." and I laughed at myself again cause I actually did have so much to say (cue Somewhere in Time monologue https://youtu.be/c87niQNda-o ) but, admitedly I would neither say or do anything. This explained the dichotomy of my person. I need to figure out who the heck I am.and what I want without always having time to consider while considering my life results that I am forced to regret came from obeying instant desires.

https://youtu.be/7qH4qyi1-Ys

Truman Madsen

Ok, I finally found it. THE THING that solidifies my testimony that. Everything I wanted to believe is worth believing once and for all.

I was sort of casually listening to an audio cassette in my car and on it Truman Madsen was talking about the humor of Joseph Smith. Honestly, that was one of the most appealing things about the gospel Of Jesus Christ as taught in Mormonism. Just watching conference one sees and feels a great appreciation for any who can see humor in reality. I always watch thinking....now, That is my sort of thinking!

I used to think that I lived in what was quite possibly the most humorous ward and stake ever! And it meant something to me. I loved attending institute because I was sure I would appreciate the way I felt. But, that is not my life-changing testimony. Just a side track of many! -

So, on to what happened. A man came to Joseph Smith and told him that he had been visited by an angel... The man in his disclosure mentioned the wardrobe of the messenger to which Joseph told him it was all a hoax. The man was furious and called on God to rain fire down on Joseph and his family. It did not happen and Joseph Smith said the perfect thing...I am sure we are all thinking it. He told the man that his God probably didn't hear him... Maybe he worshiped Baal, etc. etc.

(that is one of my favorite old testament stories)

My testimony is that Joseph Smith was absolutely a prophet and thereby spoke for God and served Him (accordingly knew and loved Jesus Christ).

I thought wait a minute let me be skeptical. Suppose Joseph was a fraud and charleton. This man could expose him. But, Joseph firmly declared that this man was false which he could only do if he was certain for himself that he had spoken to God. This also removed any doubt that the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal was an actual thing that happened (cause if it was it is undeniable evidence that the tribes of Israel are a chosen people!)

I need to take care of Martha (sister of Lazareth) things like dinner and kids... Brb

Then I considered, perhaps Joseph knew for a surety there was no God and that was how he knew it was a hoax

Oh forget it! That was a pretty arogant assumption anyhow. We are supposed to believe without knowing. Walk by faith sort of thing...yeah, but why? I'm not done yet.

Just wanted to add this new thought. I realize others may think this is more likely evidence, undeniable, that Joseph Smith knew there was no God, but taking that assumption it snaps back to being a testimony for me because there would be no retaliation or need to fulfill any prophecies and he would be entirely free to do as he please allowing for any sort of behavior by means of a dogma. But, he didn't, infact he suffered all his life and was martyred. Let alone the proverb that unequivocally states that if you train a child in a certain way, he will return to it and from his childhood we learn of a great amount of religious/pious teaching was done by his mother and father who stand behind him 100% as well.

I was willing to consider the thing I learned from watching "The Prestige". I learned from the extremely unexpected Long-con of the Chinese man who faked others by creating an illusion of his everyday deformity merely so he could perform a trick where he hid a fishbowl in his gown. That it is possible for a hoax to be pulled off through a number of perfectly calculated moves as in a game of stratagem. But, he simply could not have even known what to prepare for throughout a whole life.

The conclusion I am both prone and forced (through consideration) to accept is that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. And so this church he established must be the Church of Jesus Christ of Lattet-day Saints.