morning thought

I am pondering how hard it is to reconstruct an everyday item that needed to be replaced, and so you ordered it and the process of reconstruction begins.

First, you think you have and understand the parts, so you begin an it becomes obvious failure is going to result. But, you don't give up.

Second, you look for the instructions and as you see a little booklet you rejoice, THAT'S IT! This is going to be a sinch.

Third, you realize the instructions are in another language, so you need to figure out how to translate the instructions, although you were already pretty sure you knew how to assemble this and this seems like a huge side-track.

Next, you decide it is worth it to kniw what the instructions are, but you find a similar item and it's directions in English. Surely, you have enough information to extrapolate and figure this out!

Finally, it seems to be coming together nicely, no one will ever even kniw of the struggle you had to assemble this simple item, but then, worse than having left over screws,  you do not have enough!

Frustrated, you deconstruct the whole thing and decide yours is defective and not complete. You need a refund. Maybe, you just ought to go by a pre-made item.

Ok, this was all a thought experiment or metaphor for how my dieting experience has been, only to have concluded this morning that it is not working because I am missing a screw. No matter what I did that might normally work will not work because I do not have the required parts, meaning my metabolism is broken, and needs to be repaired before I even attempt any of the things I had tried(and failed). 

So, yesterday, I was curious so I weighed myself, after my brilliant insight into how it didn't even matter. Like I said, I was curious... I was also overweight. Huh? This really depressed me. I was determined to figure out what I did wrong when the inspiration came that I did nothing wrong yet, but my metabolism needs attention right now.  AH, HAH! ofcourse, things were fine and didn't change because of menopause, I had a hysterectomy years ago. They messed up after I began IF and at first it worked great. And, I even came to the conclusion that I needed a break to refeed, but then I just went full-throttle blindly into exercising to get rid of any extra weight (I was 120lbs whereas a suggested healthy weight would be around 150lbs)I panicked when I hit 150 though, and started more and more in addition to fasting and strength training.

I was forced to take a week off when we, as a family, went to Utah to be sealed, and I lost alot of weight and dropped 4 sizes. I weighed about 140lbs, but I felt great. But, now comes to trial of faith to see if I merely draw near with my lips... because I honestly do not care if I gain some weight if it is part of a process, my daughter, Mary, always says, "trust the process." So, that is my morning thought after a low point last night... I even started to think maybe I didn't do all of those fitness programs properly, and tried to find my mistake, but I had been exactly adherents and that really frustrated me more. But, I need to let go of stress, I was doing really well, unaware of my weight. Curiosity killed the cat afterall. I know better. I need to do better. And that's that.

morning thought

I should mention that I fell in a hole reading 1Neph14, either way I was trying to figure out if Jacob(Israel) was canaanite, because Isaiah said the head of Ephraim was samaria. Which checks out as Samaria was the land of inheritance for Joseph's sons, but then came the exile? I digress, his bones were apparently brought to caanan as a dying request, so I was curious why not just stay in Egypt, afterall his wife was Egyptian, right...blah, blah, yeah, see, stumbling block, rabit hole.

Once recovered, I realized how much better I am feeling and doing since I stopped listening to all the gurus. This ought not be a surprise. Let me say this, though, it is hard not to focus on weight,  but even now, my weight is likely "overweight" but I am so much better off ignoring that number, it sure was hard, but  obsessing over loosing weight caused me to loose sight of my real goals.

There was a baby bird in a nest in our yard last night. Later, I saw a cat, and did not think anything of it. There are always cats in our yard, but, I was oblivious of the fact that I ought to have helped that helpless bird. Never even occurred to me until this morning. Sad. 

Obviously, I need to repent daily. I have a lot to change.

morning thought

Now, I suspect this is not applicable to most, but sure enough as soon as I stopped listening to "health and wellness professionals" and started listening to my self and not worrying about if it fit any plan, but if I felt an urge to eat or do something, I did it. Needless to say, as soon as I did I began again to steadily loose excess fat, and actually I do not care. My idea was that my body was given to me, and it is a tremendous gift, I was going to care for it. As a latter-day saint, I knew that I existed much longer in waiting to receive this gift and I more than likely already accepted what I had been given and studied exactly how to best care for it, so I trust myself over "experts". Likewise when I play piano, I find that I do much better if I loosen up in my mental control, meaning there is a much wiser self that I would be wise to at least listen to. A popular concept is "a house divided" I was basically in a civil war with myself trying to mentally think my way scientifically through health. I learned alot from watching actual stories acted out where what seemed best fell far short of what ought to be, and in many instances others " let Jesus have the wheel." David v. Goliath, or even Moses and the red sea, or how about the fishing river in Missouri and the Mormon Battalion  even the story of the sea gulls and the locusts... they all demonstrate that God is able to do far more than the world's best, it is more sensible then to trust in him. Ofcourse, I have to add a bit about Iceland. But, in a video discussion the application to the EU, the hand of God was obvious when those speaking talked about fishing was the primary export and number one economic resource, until a huge volcano nudged tourism up to exceed fishing. It made me think of how it felt when the Berlin Wall came down. God is in charge, not governments. It is more profitable to know what he says is going to happen instead of speculating as to what is likely to happen.

Last of all I need to mention my decision to stop any ads from bombarding me. That choice was made after I realized how gullible and impressionable I was. There is a lyric to a Lisa Loeb song that goes, "You said that I was naive, but I thought that I was strong." I just thought it was how I paid for everything "free" that I used, until I was free enough from it's grasp to have the thought that my own ideas were not even my own, the cost of not paying cash was too high. I would rather do without, and since then, I have felt so much happier.  I got the notion from someone in Layton who mentioned how much they hated even going into Target these days because of the advertisements, and how I realized when talking to my parents about how it had been years since I saw MTV, but that when I got called into the Young Women in Gallatin I wanted to be aware of what their world was like and I nearly freaked out at how vile and disgusting it was and this was in the 90's. I believe that I am so out of touch because I just never followed trends and instead did what I felt was best... like starting each day with a prayer and scripture study, eating and exercising just comes naturally l.. it does not need to be planned. And if it doesn't then maybe ask yourself if there is something else you should be doing. Blah blah blah, I need to get dressed and clean the house, and make a snack 😋 I will still be thinking,  just not blabbering so much about it, toodles!

morning decision

As I was doing my morning routine, a thought flooded over me, and I realized what I was feeling as stress, and why?

To watch videos that guide me through my healthy ritual, I had to watch ads, and they are what trigger something inside me. Maybe I shouldn't say trigger, but offend.  I decided whether or not it was my body being extra good and trying to mirror what it saw, but it was  not real, thus, not working, despite how it ought in theory. Either way you want to argue, I decided to turn it off and not include any such media in my day. It will be hard, but, will be possible. I will just have to try to walk myself through each exercise from memory of maybe I will write out a cheat sheet today. The point is, I do not need to start the day with advertising.  

I recall a scene of "Lost " where a person was being tortured by being forced to watch a TV screen all day. And that reminded me of other shows using a similar propaganda technique to rewrite or reformat individuals, and something about any ad at all is offensive to my spirit, and I recognized that and need to put an end to it, right now.

Media is not any worse than a gun, but is dangerous when used for unclear purposes.

morning thought - creativity

I did not start this day thinking about creative endeavors, unlike most days. I began listening to the Book of Mormon, and in it Nephi was talking about how his older brothers were upset that he was trying to tell them what to do when it was the birthright of the eldest to reign. Naturally, I thought of all of the similar instances where a younger sibling sort of usurpes the birthright, and how the beauty of such happenings is the artistry of telling important things in a way like a parable, and how it is a humanity to be creative and express things cathartically. And so, that little story speaks more about things that are not spoken of openly, and yet, here they are causing a whole group of people to digest and accept the notion that a birthright may fall to a younger sibling without preaching anything about who they are or what is right or wrong ethically... oh, not at all what I was meaning to say. I will try again,  over and over again, are stories about a younger son ruling over the elder, and why would that theme be presented over and over if not to cause us to understand a greater truth so that if a similar situation becomes known to us, we would readily accept it habitually maybe. 

Also, it answered my personal question as to why creativity was so important to me...it was a moment when the bird realized they were in a cage and that it need not always be the case.... Aurora Leigh

morning thought

I woke up and was thinking of Joseph, and how much I have endured and will yet endure for him. Everything, practically it seems is for him. And I suddenly thought of Robert D. Hales. Such thoughts I have come to understand are divine, so I needed the thought and looked up what I could about him, which lead me to a talk on learning, and in it He bore testimony to the sacredness of motherhood and how it does  more for a woman in preparing her for eternity than anything else does. 

Then, I went back to sleep, and my thought now, is about Nephi praying to God on the ship which he and his brethren built. And I realized that he could calm the sea, etc. Because, if anything were asked of hom by God he could do it and likewise. It occurred to me that this is the very thing Jesus Christ repeatedly said over and over. It is true unity. He and the father are one. Ofcourse, it made sense. I comprehended perfectly through the lens of Nephi's journey to the promised land. That is why we ultimately pray, that we can come to kniw and embrace God's will, and thereby become extensions of him.

morning thought

Nephi said, " the words change according to the amount of faith we give." And that is what is on my mind this morning. I think of how Nephi went and built a boat, trusting the things that the Lord commanded him. Wow. That is a lot of faith! He did not even know how to build a ship, and that dies not at all seemed a likely thing for him to do, but just look at the result. Miracles follow faith, not proceed it. They are actually a result of it, an evidence, but not needed in the case of faith, but most helpful in the case of hope.

I wonder how often the Lord gets frustrated with us when he asks things in result of our praying and communing. But, the response qe give in reply is, oh that makes absolutely no sense. Especially the rising generation, they stand on the shoulders of those who succeeded before them, and so when asked to do something, they only do so with a confirmation of their parents/leaders. But, I wonder if Nephi asked Lehi if he thought building a boat was a good idea, and if he did would his choice be determined by Lehi's response?

Joseph Smith said, "I teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves ." We let the youth teach lessons and spearhead their own meetings. But, they still need leaders to guide them and demonstrate how to Walk by Faith.

disposed comment from this morning study

oh man I needed to hear that this morning:

 " sometimes there is a selfish excess of exercising, dieting, makeovers, or spending money on the latest fashions..."

I'm seeing screwtape style scheming going on here, "oh that won't trip them up, try this! They will want to please one another. I have found that leverage most useful..."

morning thought

Gonna have to develop my prayer muscle, not to say exercise and protein is bad, just that turning to the internet for answers and information I absolutely know and have learned is not helpful. I have come to believe even well meaning loved ones may not always give the right answers.... sort of like how it is said, " will a father give you stone when you ask for bread?" Or better how it is asked if a mother will forget her own offspring, well, she might, as hard as it is to believe, but even so Heavenly Father will not abandon us. I am not literally referring to my own parents, but those whom we trust.

Every single avenue I traverse regarding weight loss leads me back to the idea that prayer is the only common denominator, not and expert, because regardless of how much success a technique has proven, every subject is unique and I thought knowing the laws that govern our function would be paramount to success.prophets have warned that borrowed testimony will not ultimately avail anyone, or that without establishing a conduit with our creator, we will fail. I suspect this is true with health. Ofcourse, it must be. This is not new, and even knowing this, and repeating it, I still repeatedly fail and pick up my phone when I want an answer as to why my weightloss goals are not working.

But, really, is not the peace I feel when I pray about it fat better that trying to accomplish it on my own? So sort of, kund of, I am re discovering the same thing over and over again: If I want true success in life, work first and most diligently on building a relationship with my Heavenly Father. That will avail me so much more that a stronger body could... I mean, why do we even have bodies in the first place? Surely,  it us not to impress anyone with it's beauty, though it is truly beautiful to us, but why? Asking that is good, asking the internet first is not. .y early morning thought is how the internet is not the source of Good information. I am reminded of the things said about trying to discern the true religion in early America, and that also lead to prayer. Ofcourse it did! If a man lacks wisdom, ask... not google. 

morning thought

I realized that I shouldn't have ignored things or written them off because they didn't work at the time. It would be like using a butter knife as a hammer and then saying it is useless. When the time comes to butter your bread it's use will become clear. Such it is with the exercise I revisited this morning. I was amazed at how easy it was when approached with a different intent. It had become the sound of tinkling brass to me to hear people say, "you have to work out differently for the menopausal body." Well, it stands to reason that if a woman differs from a man then a woman also differs from a girl. I used to actually be upset that old woman didn't just try to look like old woman and they obsessed about looking like teens. I thought it was stupid, actually. But, when my father said that my Grandmother never grew up and she used to think that she was a teenager. It clicked, "oh, me too!" I am older. Additionally my mother explained that  I could likely not even be able to do something due to my disability.  It is true. All my life I pretended that I could be just like everyone else, but I can't even be like I once was or thought I would be, and that is ok. There truly are so many other things I actually do right. It was a little off the cheek comment someone breathed about me to me that I didn't give myself enough credit that caused an epiphany.  My mind and body have been severely limited to the point it was said I would likely never again walk unaided, but, I did, and that alone is no doubt a miracle!!! And something I take for granted. I don't care how my body is able to do the things it does (like make perfect children) but it does and it is enough!

conspiracy theory

Every person trying to help with health is motivated by money, and if that is true then even people who seem well-intentioned cannot be trusted either. Because, I figure that if I was able to think of this "loophole" it has likely been figured out years ago and put into action.

That theory is that truly funded parties have offered an even larger sum of money than could be earned to a person they promote who refuses funds saying they will not become corrupted by such greed... thereby gaining trust of many and keeping them from true health and success which mankind was so close to figuring out, which would cause a huge loss of many corporations who are expecting the windfall from GLP-1 products.

The way it works is that I honestly report the drawbacks and cons of GLP-1 usage, gaining some trust, and then explain a sympathy garnering backstory that culminates in a well- researched fitness program that honestly appears to work, but ultimately has a fatal flaw as well.

My conclusion is that health and wellness is just a stumbling block intended to keep success just out of reach for those hoping to master their body. Obviously, out of spite or jealousy of those who see how obtainable such a goal could be.

morning no more?

I had a thought strike me in a way that I found  unusual. I scoffed at things that pointed towards altering my schedule, but I clung all the harder at the intended opposition. Early to bed and early to rise, right? And U had that spike of who knows what at about 4am, and I like private time, and I was health when I would walk the kids to school each day (yeah, I forgot that I also walked them home after school, detail) but, today, I had to alter my schedule so that I might play a game with my firstborn daughter, and that was really important to me, more that the millions of like suggestions and nudges here and there, so I decided that I would simply begin my day later. Guess what? It helps that spike and refocuses it on rebuilding previous damage, and I will stop needing grocery items that cause trouble by not getting up and annoyingly interrupting my routine to fit my family's morning routine. Anyhow, the point is, I felt stronger and better and it seems to fit better with my environment if I sleep until about 6 or 7am Instead and just stay awake longer, instead of think that I have insomnia because I cannot get to sleep while my husband is playing video games. I will instead use the time I would have tried aimlessly to sleep to do crochet, or read and ponder things until I start to feel that natural tiredness. At this point, I actually feel like this is going to work so much better than fighting against everything to achieve stupid goals. I expect this realization is just another rung on this great ladder I have been wanting to climb, but felt damned and useless. 

In short, I have decided to slide my entire routine to a better time and feel extremely good about doing so.

morning thought

Doing a particular thing is not in and of itself wrong. I had a job and a car, and though it made no sense to quit and sell my car, I did it, and that is how my mobile game addiction started, and I nearly returned to it out of a desire to buy things for my daughter. But, I did not stumble that way again, though looking around I noticed things I had or paid for like my piano, my exercise equipment, redoing my shower, etc. I told myself that I COULD have those thing (as I have run out of make-up, shampoo, yarn, clothes that fit and want running shoes and an elliptical or treadmill), but I can simply do without those things as they are trappings themselves. Enter my morning thought! It may have been right to quit my job to be at home for the kids when they were small, but, perhaps it is right to have a job now, if only to keep myself from wasting my life playing foolish money-making games. I always think, but when I worked I knew 100 percent that it was not my duty to provide for my family and if I quit, I would be rewarded for my faith. It was hard. I absolutely loved my job! to the point that I actually tried to get a better job at the same place, and I could have, though life and circumstances were against me, and I realized it and gave up. It sounds like big talk, but even my Pat. Blessing states that I will accomplish whatever I set my mind to, so be sure to keep eternal perspective... heh, sounds like that Garth Brooks song, "The Dance". But, that is the sentiment: be careful what you want to accomplish because you will do it. So, getting a job can be done, it is a matter of if it should...I gave a speech about how mothers ought to be in the home, helping it run smoothly. And I just cannot get it out of my head that I might be doing myself peril in working outside of the home. Likely, all the things I want I would be better off without.

just thinking

I watch 1 Nephi over many times so that my mind will be occupied as my time passes. It is my desire to excert minimal energy but, remain moving for 2 hours...ok, back story over, I was thinking about how my daughter argues that it is foolish of me to continue doing something and expecting a different result when I the same thing has already happened multiple times. I realized as the Epic story folded regarding Nephi and his brethern obtaining the plates of brass. Nephi convinces his brothers to return, because it is plausible to them that their riches were left behind for such a purpose, but, when Laban still chases them out as robbers refusing to give the plates, I realize it would be extremely hard to believe there would be an intended way for things to work out, still Nephi keeps on trying. 

Laban's line was: we trusted the Lord and He didn't help us. And it does seem to be that way. I wondered in life, how often we are actually asked to do something, that we already know the result, but we are supposed to believe it will be different. 

I realized that it happened that was to try Nephi's faith, because he had to chose it over thoughts or "common sense". It continues that Nephi went to accomplish with no thought beforehand as to how to do it. That us similar to Abraham's Issac. He did not know how or even if thinks would work out... he merely obeyed. 

morning thought

This new training is kicking my butt. But, what I have learned is to love my days of rest, they are needed. I know this plan is working for me because I am able to sleep and eat properly to do it. I feel happier and like I am making progress towards something although, it is all virtual. I am doing a 12 week marathon training plan indoors, so it is not at all practical actually because as my husband pointed out, I cannot run, but, I can work out as if I were actually running, and one day when I actually can, I will be prepared. I believe my body was made for this. And, one thing I have picked up from all of my failed attempts is that success, albeit short-lived, follows a definite belief.