morning decision

As I was doing my morning routine, a thought flooded over me, and I realized what I was feeling as stress, and why?

To watch videos that guide me through my healthy ritual, I had to watch ads, and they are what trigger something inside me. Maybe I shouldn't say trigger, but offend.  I decided whether or not it was my body being extra good and trying to mirror what it saw, but it was  not real, thus, not working, despite how it ought in theory. Either way you want to argue, I decided to turn it off and not include any such media in my day. It will be hard, but, will be possible. I will just have to try to walk myself through each exercise from memory of maybe I will write out a cheat sheet today. The point is, I do not need to start the day with advertising.  

I recall a scene of "Lost " where a person was being tortured by being forced to watch a TV screen all day. And that reminded me of other shows using a similar propaganda technique to rewrite or reformat individuals, and something about any ad at all is offensive to my spirit, and I recognized that and need to put an end to it, right now.

Media is not any worse than a gun, but is dangerous when used for unclear purposes.

morning thought - creativity

I did not start this day thinking about creative endeavors, unlike most days. I began listening to the Book of Mormon, and in it Nephi was talking about how his older brothers were upset that he was trying to tell them what to do when it was the birthright of the eldest to reign. Naturally, I thought of all of the similar instances where a younger sibling sort of usurpes the birthright, and how the beauty of such happenings is the artistry of telling important things in a way like a parable, and how it is a humanity to be creative and express things cathartically. And so, that little story speaks more about things that are not spoken of openly, and yet, here they are causing a whole group of people to digest and accept the notion that a birthright may fall to a younger sibling without preaching anything about who they are or what is right or wrong ethically... oh, not at all what I was meaning to say. I will try again,  over and over again, are stories about a younger son ruling over the elder, and why would that theme be presented over and over if not to cause us to understand a greater truth so that if a similar situation becomes known to us, we would readily accept it habitually maybe. 

Also, it answered my personal question as to why creativity was so important to me...it was a moment when the bird realized they were in a cage and that it need not always be the case.... Aurora Leigh

morning thought

I woke up and was thinking of Joseph, and how much I have endured and will yet endure for him. Everything, practically it seems is for him. And I suddenly thought of Robert D. Hales. Such thoughts I have come to understand are divine, so I needed the thought and looked up what I could about him, which lead me to a talk on learning, and in it He bore testimony to the sacredness of motherhood and how it does  more for a woman in preparing her for eternity than anything else does. 

Then, I went back to sleep, and my thought now, is about Nephi praying to God on the ship which he and his brethren built. And I realized that he could calm the sea, etc. Because, if anything were asked of hom by God he could do it and likewise. It occurred to me that this is the very thing Jesus Christ repeatedly said over and over. It is true unity. He and the father are one. Ofcourse, it made sense. I comprehended perfectly through the lens of Nephi's journey to the promised land. That is why we ultimately pray, that we can come to kniw and embrace God's will, and thereby become extensions of him.

morning thought

Nephi said, " the words change according to the amount of faith we give." And that is what is on my mind this morning. I think of how Nephi went and built a boat, trusting the things that the Lord commanded him. Wow. That is a lot of faith! He did not even know how to build a ship, and that dies not at all seemed a likely thing for him to do, but just look at the result. Miracles follow faith, not proceed it. They are actually a result of it, an evidence, but not needed in the case of faith, but most helpful in the case of hope.

I wonder how often the Lord gets frustrated with us when he asks things in result of our praying and communing. But, the response qe give in reply is, oh that makes absolutely no sense. Especially the rising generation, they stand on the shoulders of those who succeeded before them, and so when asked to do something, they only do so with a confirmation of their parents/leaders. But, I wonder if Nephi asked Lehi if he thought building a boat was a good idea, and if he did would his choice be determined by Lehi's response?

Joseph Smith said, "I teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves ." We let the youth teach lessons and spearhead their own meetings. But, they still need leaders to guide them and demonstrate how to Walk by Faith.

disposed comment from this morning study

oh man I needed to hear that this morning:

 " sometimes there is a selfish excess of exercising, dieting, makeovers, or spending money on the latest fashions..."

I'm seeing screwtape style scheming going on here, "oh that won't trip them up, try this! They will want to please one another. I have found that leverage most useful..."

morning thought

Gonna have to develop my prayer muscle, not to say exercise and protein is bad, just that turning to the internet for answers and information I absolutely know and have learned is not helpful. I have come to believe even well meaning loved ones may not always give the right answers.... sort of like how it is said, " will a father give you stone when you ask for bread?" Or better how it is asked if a mother will forget her own offspring, well, she might, as hard as it is to believe, but even so Heavenly Father will not abandon us. I am not literally referring to my own parents, but those whom we trust.

Every single avenue I traverse regarding weight loss leads me back to the idea that prayer is the only common denominator, not and expert, because regardless of how much success a technique has proven, every subject is unique and I thought knowing the laws that govern our function would be paramount to success.prophets have warned that borrowed testimony will not ultimately avail anyone, or that without establishing a conduit with our creator, we will fail. I suspect this is true with health. Ofcourse, it must be. This is not new, and even knowing this, and repeating it, I still repeatedly fail and pick up my phone when I want an answer as to why my weightloss goals are not working.

But, really, is not the peace I feel when I pray about it fat better that trying to accomplish it on my own? So sort of, kund of, I am re discovering the same thing over and over again: If I want true success in life, work first and most diligently on building a relationship with my Heavenly Father. That will avail me so much more that a stronger body could... I mean, why do we even have bodies in the first place? Surely,  it us not to impress anyone with it's beauty, though it is truly beautiful to us, but why? Asking that is good, asking the internet first is not. .y early morning thought is how the internet is not the source of Good information. I am reminded of the things said about trying to discern the true religion in early America, and that also lead to prayer. Ofcourse it did! If a man lacks wisdom, ask... not google. 

morning thought

I realized that I shouldn't have ignored things or written them off because they didn't work at the time. It would be like using a butter knife as a hammer and then saying it is useless. When the time comes to butter your bread it's use will become clear. Such it is with the exercise I revisited this morning. I was amazed at how easy it was when approached with a different intent. It had become the sound of tinkling brass to me to hear people say, "you have to work out differently for the menopausal body." Well, it stands to reason that if a woman differs from a man then a woman also differs from a girl. I used to actually be upset that old woman didn't just try to look like old woman and they obsessed about looking like teens. I thought it was stupid, actually. But, when my father said that my Grandmother never grew up and she used to think that she was a teenager. It clicked, "oh, me too!" I am older. Additionally my mother explained that  I could likely not even be able to do something due to my disability.  It is true. All my life I pretended that I could be just like everyone else, but I can't even be like I once was or thought I would be, and that is ok. There truly are so many other things I actually do right. It was a little off the cheek comment someone breathed about me to me that I didn't give myself enough credit that caused an epiphany.  My mind and body have been severely limited to the point it was said I would likely never again walk unaided, but, I did, and that alone is no doubt a miracle!!! And something I take for granted. I don't care how my body is able to do the things it does (like make perfect children) but it does and it is enough!

conspiracy theory

Every person trying to help with health is motivated by money, and if that is true then even people who seem well-intentioned cannot be trusted either. Because, I figure that if I was able to think of this "loophole" it has likely been figured out years ago and put into action.

That theory is that truly funded parties have offered an even larger sum of money than could be earned to a person they promote who refuses funds saying they will not become corrupted by such greed... thereby gaining trust of many and keeping them from true health and success which mankind was so close to figuring out, which would cause a huge loss of many corporations who are expecting the windfall from GLP-1 products.

The way it works is that I honestly report the drawbacks and cons of GLP-1 usage, gaining some trust, and then explain a sympathy garnering backstory that culminates in a well- researched fitness program that honestly appears to work, but ultimately has a fatal flaw as well.

My conclusion is that health and wellness is just a stumbling block intended to keep success just out of reach for those hoping to master their body. Obviously, out of spite or jealousy of those who see how obtainable such a goal could be.

morning no more?

I had a thought strike me in a way that I found  unusual. I scoffed at things that pointed towards altering my schedule, but I clung all the harder at the intended opposition. Early to bed and early to rise, right? And U had that spike of who knows what at about 4am, and I like private time, and I was health when I would walk the kids to school each day (yeah, I forgot that I also walked them home after school, detail) but, today, I had to alter my schedule so that I might play a game with my firstborn daughter, and that was really important to me, more that the millions of like suggestions and nudges here and there, so I decided that I would simply begin my day later. Guess what? It helps that spike and refocuses it on rebuilding previous damage, and I will stop needing grocery items that cause trouble by not getting up and annoyingly interrupting my routine to fit my family's morning routine. Anyhow, the point is, I felt stronger and better and it seems to fit better with my environment if I sleep until about 6 or 7am Instead and just stay awake longer, instead of think that I have insomnia because I cannot get to sleep while my husband is playing video games. I will instead use the time I would have tried aimlessly to sleep to do crochet, or read and ponder things until I start to feel that natural tiredness. At this point, I actually feel like this is going to work so much better than fighting against everything to achieve stupid goals. I expect this realization is just another rung on this great ladder I have been wanting to climb, but felt damned and useless. 

In short, I have decided to slide my entire routine to a better time and feel extremely good about doing so.

morning thought

Doing a particular thing is not in and of itself wrong. I had a job and a car, and though it made no sense to quit and sell my car, I did it, and that is how my mobile game addiction started, and I nearly returned to it out of a desire to buy things for my daughter. But, I did not stumble that way again, though looking around I noticed things I had or paid for like my piano, my exercise equipment, redoing my shower, etc. I told myself that I COULD have those thing (as I have run out of make-up, shampoo, yarn, clothes that fit and want running shoes and an elliptical or treadmill), but I can simply do without those things as they are trappings themselves. Enter my morning thought! It may have been right to quit my job to be at home for the kids when they were small, but, perhaps it is right to have a job now, if only to keep myself from wasting my life playing foolish money-making games. I always think, but when I worked I knew 100 percent that it was not my duty to provide for my family and if I quit, I would be rewarded for my faith. It was hard. I absolutely loved my job! to the point that I actually tried to get a better job at the same place, and I could have, though life and circumstances were against me, and I realized it and gave up. It sounds like big talk, but even my Pat. Blessing states that I will accomplish whatever I set my mind to, so be sure to keep eternal perspective... heh, sounds like that Garth Brooks song, "The Dance". But, that is the sentiment: be careful what you want to accomplish because you will do it. So, getting a job can be done, it is a matter of if it should...I gave a speech about how mothers ought to be in the home, helping it run smoothly. And I just cannot get it out of my head that I might be doing myself peril in working outside of the home. Likely, all the things I want I would be better off without.

just thinking

I watch 1 Nephi over many times so that my mind will be occupied as my time passes. It is my desire to excert minimal energy but, remain moving for 2 hours...ok, back story over, I was thinking about how my daughter argues that it is foolish of me to continue doing something and expecting a different result when I the same thing has already happened multiple times. I realized as the Epic story folded regarding Nephi and his brethern obtaining the plates of brass. Nephi convinces his brothers to return, because it is plausible to them that their riches were left behind for such a purpose, but, when Laban still chases them out as robbers refusing to give the plates, I realize it would be extremely hard to believe there would be an intended way for things to work out, still Nephi keeps on trying. 

Laban's line was: we trusted the Lord and He didn't help us. And it does seem to be that way. I wondered in life, how often we are actually asked to do something, that we already know the result, but we are supposed to believe it will be different. 

I realized that it happened that was to try Nephi's faith, because he had to chose it over thoughts or "common sense". It continues that Nephi went to accomplish with no thought beforehand as to how to do it. That us similar to Abraham's Issac. He did not know how or even if thinks would work out... he merely obeyed. 

morning thought

This new training is kicking my butt. But, what I have learned is to love my days of rest, they are needed. I know this plan is working for me because I am able to sleep and eat properly to do it. I feel happier and like I am making progress towards something although, it is all virtual. I am doing a 12 week marathon training plan indoors, so it is not at all practical actually because as my husband pointed out, I cannot run, but, I can work out as if I were actually running, and one day when I actually can, I will be prepared. I believe my body was made for this. And, one thing I have picked up from all of my failed attempts is that success, albeit short-lived, follows a definite belief.

morning thought

I actually do not regret the time and effort I wasted just to realize that I was right. Years ago, I thought that I am probably just going to gain weight, so, just get rid of my old too small clothes. It is part of growing up to age gracefully.. that's  actually what both my grandmother and my mother plainly told me, still I had to learn the long drawn out way. I recall a video where a woman I admire explained how she gained weight when she started training for a half marathon. In high school, the top runner for our cross-country team was a shorter heavier set girl. I couldn't believe it when she beat me. But, whenever I feel stronger I also feel like I am eating too much. Just finally, as I started training for a marathon, myself, I realized that if I am going to perform well, then I need to abandon my obsession with loosing weight and accept that I am going to get larger. Likewise, a few year ago, a girl I knew was weight lifting and she showed before after and during photos and one of the first stages., she just looked like she had gained alot of size and weight, but then eventually started toning up and though her size did not shrink, she became more defined and is an accomplished weight lifter.

One last silly little anecdote is regarding a Norse God whom is well-loved. On a computer game a choice was made to make him a larger person. This was decided, given all of the information about him. It is funny though, that all of the gamers got upset and made fun of "Fat Thor".

My dad always said, " ask you are, I once was and as I am, you will become." My brother gained alit of weight, and I am next in line. I just accept it, at this point as part of my evolution. I chose to become a greater version of myself, and become truly beautiful, not some messed up version that would be impossible for me anyway.

My parents pointed out how my focus of weight-loss effects my children, too. My youngest son has been talking about how many calories he needs per day already, good grief! I will need to teach both my what I say and what I do. 

morning thought

I went to 1 Nephi, though I can completed it, and thought that I had a craving for Isaiah, so I listened to chapter 21 and instantly, I thought about the word pastor and how I knew that it was pastor, but in listening, alone I might hear pasture (later the word Pasture is used) and be confused, also I was determined to understand who "I" is and typically "I" always refers to the savior, but at this time I was thinking first of Joseph in Egypt and how he had himself from his brothers. Well, Joseph is a shadow of Jesus, so perhaps it is talking about Jesus, but then it say that he will be an instrument in making known  things unto the lost tribes of Israel in helping them know who they are and that this is no small thing. So, I decided it was Joseph Smith, and this was the first thought I had today. The second was that I messed up. I ought to be praying not trying to unravel scriptures. My dad was right, he somehow always knows and prepares my way of thinking so that I focus on and notice that correct things. Last time we visited he was talking about how cunning and thoughtful the new generations are, spotting easter eggs here and there, they always twist things and look beyond the mark...missing what matters most. I think that is exactly what the savior got so stinking mad at the news for, and why I gave Mary my Icelandic water to drink, to see a natural reaction. To a thing not being what it appeared to be (it was actually vinegar)she was likewise very upset. That's what I did in thinking about trying to unravel scriptures with my first thoughts instead of praying and communicating with my Father in Heaven...that matters most  (building a solid relationship - desiring that above all else).

morning silly thought

I wonder if I lost so much weight because I cut my hair.

I know what doesn't work, now. I will believe this will work for a while. Time wise it works well... we'll see.

6 - get up pray and study BoM

6:30 - radio taiso, stretch, tai chi for balance

7 - finish household chores then jog for at least 20 of the 30 minutes left.

7:30 - study Icelandic and walk

8 - practice piano

9 - make breakfast 

10 - eat

12 - flat abs 6 min workout

3 - porch sit til kids get home

4 - japanese walking

6 - eat & walk

9 - take a bath and set out clothes

9:30 - prayers and laptop charge

10 - go to sleep