the reason

I figured out why I cannot seem to break my addictions. I Call them that because they seem like compulsions.that are contrary to my goals and actually do not work and I understand that,  but I run back to them when my goals are not met. I believed maybe it was that I had alternate personalities that were sabotaging me, and they had to each decide to quit playing mobile games for money or find a plan for weight loss. I am over 50 years old and the only plan that ever worked was not having a plan and allowing my own body determine what was best for me.

At this point, it feels like a Sarah and Abraham thing, where all good sense tells me what to do, I call this my intellect, or reasonable side, and when I give up and let God, nothing happens. So, just as Sarah figured out intellectually how to fulfill God's promise to Abraham she acted on it, and gave her hand maid in her place, but when she came to herself she didn't really like the idea, and that is where I am right now. I follow diets because they seem to work, but, when they don't I think, well, they were wrong in the first place, but they after it is gone my weight loss goal is still present, so I ought to do something,  well, such and such actually worked, but it costs money, so I need to make money, playing games which attaboy me with all of the Health guru advertisements. It, for a latter-day Saint, is like going to a fast and testimony meeting of diets and health plans, and each ad full of testimonies, "It works for everyone else, but you. You must be a freak. "

But, this week, our youth lesson is on priesthood power, and it got me thinking 🤔 if I truly believe in this power, as I claim to, then surely if I asked for God to help me, he would. That's it! I will ask for a priesthood blessing. I can overcome this funk. Being physically attractive is NOT the reason or promise of my existence. And frankly, I would rather not even think about it. I believe, without the influence of those stupid apps and games, that my failure is because I am not sticking to anything. And the reason, I can and probably will succeed is through following my intuitive self, even if it seems entirely unlikely or that I am moving in the wrong direction. Last time, I started gaining weight and instantly jumped back to the plan that worked, but, again constantly having to tweak this or that because it just "felt" wrong. I even asked Mary if maybe it was a yo-yo diet thing, that, sure it works as long as you stay on it, but it is actually damaging me. Like IF. I lost tons of weight and loved it, until I realized that weight loss was not due to fasting it was due to muscle loss, and I needed to eat, but actually struggled to do so, because my body had adapted.

This morning was hard, I did not want to run, and I recalled a podcast where a woman said that she actually gaing weight and size when she started training for a race. No diet plan even suggested that I run, and everyone else in my house was still asleep. Still, I got up and forced myself to do it chanting in my head, it will get easier, if you do it! And I want to rund because I love running, not for and other purpose and I definitely will never run again without enduring the pain and struggle, plus, each morning I do not run signals that it is not important anyway, but it is. I have been promised that I can accomplish anything I set my self to, and it is merely important that the things I set out to accomplish are of eternal significance. This morning was not about running, it was about accomplishing. Accomplishing only happens when we stick to something....much like having FHE and family prayers. They would be hard to make people do, if they had not simply become habitual. I intend to run every morning at 6:30. Not for a race. Not to loose weight. But, because that is what I do.

morning thought

You knuw that talk about flashes of light, pretty sure it was a BYU devotional, any there was a story about a guy who actually knew things that his senses had not time to sufficiently reveal to him, cause he had only brief flashes as they traveled, anyhow, this is one of my flashes, and a thing that had been revealed but, only because I pondered and considered did my mind have time to form it into a thought.

Through all my attempts to recreate what worked after my movie weight gain. It really worked, and initially I thought it was my fasting.  well, yeah, and no.

I was so sure it had caused my healthy rebound, but my attempts this time around failed hugely!!

I then, thought it was the daily walking. Well, yeah, and no. Later as I over did it, I concluded, with evidence, that exercise did not cause weight loss. It actually caused weight gain. So, most recently, I quit entirely, and have neither gained or lost weight.

My diet is stable,  and the reason fasting and walking worked is that they were consistant over a long period of time. This may not hold true for anyone else, but for me, consistancy is the key to weight normalizing. 

My health did change when we moved here, and I have been trying different things every other week or so, which caused my body stress. It prefers normalcy. The one thing that changed my weight, actually only a little bit, certainly not tipping me overweight, that was a result of trying so hard to lose weight. What changed is our living arrangement which  doesn't require as much walking, life is easier. And I rarely get 5 hours of sleep per night. Last night, though I tried so hard, I only got about 3 hours. My husband stays awake playing loud video games until 11pm, and then my son wants to be awaken and fed breakfast by 4 to 4:30am, and it takes me a considerable amount of time to fall asleep.

Maybe I should intend to only nap at night, and then sleep during the day. That might work, if I could normalize it and be consistent.  Hmmmm... I could try that. I do not NEED  to make money, or exercise or eat even. 1 thing at a time. How would that work. I would need a block of 6 hours. How about 10 am until 3pm that would work. I could do that, and see what it does, if it makes my thoughts clearer and such. Ok, I am late already..... bless, bless.

morning thoughts

I get worried when media matches what I think. Then I recall that story Gavin taught me about his little piece of yarn, and am like aha! "They" realize that I have figured it out, so my conspiracy theory is that they pretend that they were wrong but kniw believe, same truth I discovered is true, so that I will, as was taught in IBM "moment of truth" training for tech support, align with a group because from what I know they are honest.... that is how they earn trust in order to beguiling again, or present a blatant falsehood hidden among truths. So, I am less concerned that suddenly "they" seem helpful.

I am failing to make progress because my constant inconsistency. It is like trying to make something simple (crochet). I spend hours looking for a pattern, until I am all in on one, that I start working on and continue for days just to realize it is not going to produce what I was looking for, and I usually fall back on my original pattern less idea, but when asked if I used a pattern, I must say yes, but I also didn't really. Or if asked how long it took, well, it took me months!! but actual crocheting was extremely simple once I learned to trust myself. This is exactly what I am doing with my fitness. I am looking for something that I will be able to maintain for life, and Just when I think I found it, and it might even have success, I second guess it, so I decided this time, I needed consistancy! And first started with a daily 50, then switched it to a daily 7minute routine I could do every hour on the hour, and it worked, but I lacked somethings, and I wanted to care for all parts of my body, so I felt like Radio Taiso 1 does that, and it can be done anywhere, especially since I have the music on my phone, and regardless of how I feel or how old I get I could do it. So I was decided, but, then I thought I still needed cardio or something maybe not long term but like medicine that isn't a long-term thing, but it serves a purpose right now, but if I switch again, it might prove to undo all I have achieved in reducing stress, plus, my weight increases the more I exercise, whereas I lose overall weight if I do nothing.... major dilemma. I want to pick something and stay with it forever regardless what immediate effects may be. I promised I would never change it, but I just need some challenge or diversity in my routine... oh, what to do. Maybe I will sleep on it tonight before I decide, but I did really like the interval training and I 100% trust this lady, though technically,  I trusted other, too until I could actually prove them false. But, even if this woman is untrue, I do not think she knows it, the way everyone believed the earth was the center of the universe.

I guess, I could follow Alma's advice and plant the seed and if it grows then I will know.  If this does grow I will be sooooo content, whereas the fact that I could even attempt to change the routine suggests that it has a flaw. Ok, I have decided. Though it still has a place, like qi gong and tai chi, my radio taiso all day plan is going to be absorbed in my new 6 day routine which I like cause it gives me a Sabbath and that is important, too.

morning thought

This morning I keep thinking about How many calories I need, not what some rediculous clanker suggests, but from experience and trial and error, I have found my daily requirement to be much higher than is recommended.  I loose weight and feel better and less like I am trying to force a square block into a round hole. This thought led me to consider Joseph and how it is unlikely he is getting nearly enough calories. When I was his age, I was ravenous, and had to supplement with sweets and cookies, etc. His comment was that sugar is Mankind's cheat. He explained that ir would be nearly impossible to get enough calories from nature.... how brilliant. That made me rethink notions about the Nephites being huge. Sure, he was of large stature but, he lived in the dessert basically for years, how large could he actually be and survive? I recall something about a race of beings being giants, could be the jotun, from Norse mythology, don't recall. But, they got into wars with the normal sized people who tried to take them in because they ate too much, literally. 

My last thought was about goldfish. Upon seeing a very large fish on deadliest catch, it was explained that it was of the goldfish family which are known to adapt to their environment. I Also remember huge Lingcod and Cabezon along with Dungenous crabs at Edmonds Underwater park. They were protected there. It was illegal to fish or exploit the sea life in any way so they were free of predators and allowed to thrive. I see that in our cultures. Like me, I am taller than my parents, and that is common. It is not any suprise that I am growing bigger because I live a life of relative ease.

morning thought

As I reviewed my history to see if I could just rest (take a nap) this afternoon, cause it made me feel so much better yesterday, but, I didn't accomplish much. I noticed a trend, what I had assumed was random, unexcused weight gain and deceases were actually directly related to rest.

I had heard it declared by respected experts that the shape of our body is not determined by our will power and excessive; rather, it is more reflexive and more to do with our DNA and subsequent hormones. I knew that my body used a lot of calories on it's own and although moment is good, not benefiting me because of it's role in  burning energy through exercise, but that my body is always "making choices" best it can with what I give it to work with....and my time would be better spent getting out of the way and trusting it to do what is best for me than trying to force it to so something to become like someone else. I need to have more faith and trust that if I rest it will not harm me or make me a slothful person. Our Heavenly Father already knew our struggles and what we needed to be successful. If I can believe any such miracles like David conquering Goliath. Surely, I can believe that if I ask him, he will solve my Villegas.

I will take a nap and not lose the momentum I am building to get into a better shape. It is similar to how Brigham Young had strong and willing workers go help the railroad construction to help raise a temple. It would have taken faith to stop laboring on the temple to speed up it's construction, but. That is precisely what happened, and with every miracle it was proceeded by faith.

morning thoughts

If I caught the errors in AI in things like my 3D scan, my weight, and my blood pressure. I do not doubt that all of those trendy fitness and health video and apps although they meant well, we're sure to fail because, just like auto"correct" sometimes misrepresented what our intentions were. This morning I realized so much of what I was taught was absolutely true, and the trouble all along has not been some conspiracy by pharmaceutical companies, it was bombarding me with the wrong ads and advice. My trouble was not that I was in my 50's and my metabolism was slowing, and dismissing all the seemingly accurate advice turned out to be such a good idea. Through trial and error and testing my own blood sugar levels, though I still cannot explain exactly what was going on. I did discover something that absolutely works, but, it means going against so much of what I was told. I must consume more calories than my body requires to function in the first place, which I discovered the same way I figured out how much sleep I needed, but being consistent and see what my body does. So, my bmr was estimated to be around 1,600 calories, but I followed that belief and nothing worked, it seems that was far too few. But, I assumed the plans assumed that I would not acutely report my consumption because so many of my daily readings were about cravings and how to avoid them. Um, that has Never ever been a problem for me. I trip up in forgetting to eat or trying to not exceed some magic number so I over report.

For multiple days, I have had exact predictions regarding my weight, and I feel confident in saying I finally understand my body. I estimate my bmr to be closer to 2,200 calories per day. So, exceed that and then do exercise to bring the total back to below that...or else my cortisol spikes and I get stuck again in flight of fight mode.

It has been a very very very long journey, and I have take multiple slams to my self-esteem. Actually believing that I was overweight and needed to just deal with that. But, overweight or not I will properly care for MY body in gratitude and simply be content that I Atlantis have figured this out.

P.s. I do not regret all the side quests like cardio, hormones balance, strength training, insulin resistance, etc. Because they all help me understand how a body works according to natural laws, and that alone was monumental in learning what to trust.

calories, not working

Well, counting calories does not work, because I struggle to get just the right amount so, I try many things, or like recently, a program said that I was over weight, so I ate very sparingly but, realized that I didn't reach my basal needs yet, so I just ate crap to reach it, but that reminds me of the deer that were trapped in a town in Colorado, and the town stuffed they regularly with hay, and they ate plenty of food, but ended up dying of starvation or malnutrition because their stomachs were not filled with things their bodies needed.

morning thought

Finally, I found the strength to do what I already thought was right. I suppose now, I will know it is right.

I have ceased entirely from playing mobile games and stopped watching videos at all if it means watching advertisements, and man, among I learning how gullible I was. Life is better without a constant drone in my hear of how I need this or that to be happy.

I feel so happy and liberated now, I can actually focus on life. 

On a side note, it was funny how he took it. I told my husband he probably owed his longevity to video games. Seriously. I feel that way about fitness/exercise. It keeps one from accomplishing what they are alive for, so they live longer.

morning thought

I cannot remember where I heard it, but it was important.

Start each day with prayer and repent.

It was the key to life.

This morning, my thoughts are filled with a trait that I desperately want to repent of. I have this feeling like my ideas are so important for everyone to hear, and top that off with my waning memory the urgency increases, so it seems like I am not listening but blurting and interrupting. I hate it. There are a few things that have helped me:

1) My dad's comment supported the one I had been listening to in my head, "some thoughts and ideas are just for you." And that REALLY helps being so frustrated at my inability to communicate thoughts.

2) Many times, I feel the urge or urgency but, I remain quiet, and every single time, the very thoughts that I had was shared by another. This reminds me that the burden is not solely mine, if something needs to be said, it will be and others need the chance of solidifying ideas through saying them outloud. 

3)My son desperately needs to be uninterrupted and merely listened to, and I learn so much by doing so.

morning thought

So much of "fitness" benefit is placebo. So, if you know what benefit you should expect, your brain can generate it for you.

morning thought

I am pondering how hard it is to reconstruct an everyday item that needed to be replaced, and so you ordered it and the process of reconstruction begins.

First, you think you have and understand the parts, so you begin an it becomes obvious failure is going to result. But, you don't give up.

Second, you look for the instructions and as you see a little booklet you rejoice, THAT'S IT! This is going to be a sinch.

Third, you realize the instructions are in another language, so you need to figure out how to translate the instructions, although you were already pretty sure you knew how to assemble this and this seems like a huge side-track.

Next, you decide it is worth it to kniw what the instructions are, but you find a similar item and it's directions in English. Surely, you have enough information to extrapolate and figure this out!

Finally, it seems to be coming together nicely, no one will ever even kniw of the struggle you had to assemble this simple item, but then, worse than having left over screws,  you do not have enough!

Frustrated, you deconstruct the whole thing and decide yours is defective and not complete. You need a refund. Maybe, you just ought to go by a pre-made item.

Ok, this was all a thought experiment or metaphor for how my dieting experience has been, only to have concluded this morning that it is not working because I am missing a screw. No matter what I did that might normally work will not work because I do not have the required parts, meaning my metabolism is broken, and needs to be repaired before I even attempt any of the things I had tried(and failed). 

So, yesterday, I was curious so I weighed myself, after my brilliant insight into how it didn't even matter. Like I said, I was curious... I was also overweight. Huh? This really depressed me. I was determined to figure out what I did wrong when the inspiration came that I did nothing wrong yet, but my metabolism needs attention right now.  AH, HAH! ofcourse, things were fine and didn't change because of menopause, I had a hysterectomy years ago. They messed up after I began IF and at first it worked great. And, I even came to the conclusion that I needed a break to refeed, but then I just went full-throttle blindly into exercising to get rid of any extra weight (I was 120lbs whereas a suggested healthy weight would be around 150lbs)I panicked when I hit 150 though, and started more and more in addition to fasting and strength training.

I was forced to take a week off when we, as a family, went to Utah to be sealed, and I lost alot of weight and dropped 4 sizes. I weighed about 140lbs, but I felt great. But, now comes to trial of faith to see if I merely draw near with my lips... because I honestly do not care if I gain some weight if it is part of a process, my daughter, Mary, always says, "trust the process." So, that is my morning thought after a low point last night... I even started to think maybe I didn't do all of those fitness programs properly, and tried to find my mistake, but I had been exactly adherents and that really frustrated me more. But, I need to let go of stress, I was doing really well, unaware of my weight. Curiosity killed the cat afterall. I know better. I need to do better. And that's that.

morning thought

I should mention that I fell in a hole reading 1Neph14, either way I was trying to figure out if Jacob(Israel) was canaanite, because Isaiah said the head of Ephraim was samaria. Which checks out as Samaria was the land of inheritance for Joseph's sons, but then came the exile? I digress, his bones were apparently brought to caanan as a dying request, so I was curious why not just stay in Egypt, afterall his wife was Egyptian, right...blah, blah, yeah, see, stumbling block, rabit hole.

Once recovered, I realized how much better I am feeling and doing since I stopped listening to all the gurus. This ought not be a surprise. Let me say this, though, it is hard not to focus on weight,  but even now, my weight is likely "overweight" but I am so much better off ignoring that number, it sure was hard, but  obsessing over loosing weight caused me to loose sight of my real goals.

There was a baby bird in a nest in our yard last night. Later, I saw a cat, and did not think anything of it. There are always cats in our yard, but, I was oblivious of the fact that I ought to have helped that helpless bird. Never even occurred to me until this morning. Sad. 

Obviously, I need to repent daily. I have a lot to change.

morning thought

Now, I suspect this is not applicable to most, but sure enough as soon as I stopped listening to "health and wellness professionals" and started listening to my self and not worrying about if it fit any plan, but if I felt an urge to eat or do something, I did it. Needless to say, as soon as I did I began again to steadily loose excess fat, and actually I do not care. My idea was that my body was given to me, and it is a tremendous gift, I was going to care for it. As a latter-day saint, I knew that I existed much longer in waiting to receive this gift and I more than likely already accepted what I had been given and studied exactly how to best care for it, so I trust myself over "experts". Likewise when I play piano, I find that I do much better if I loosen up in my mental control, meaning there is a much wiser self that I would be wise to at least listen to. A popular concept is "a house divided" I was basically in a civil war with myself trying to mentally think my way scientifically through health. I learned alot from watching actual stories acted out where what seemed best fell far short of what ought to be, and in many instances others " let Jesus have the wheel." David v. Goliath, or even Moses and the red sea, or how about the fishing river in Missouri and the Mormon Battalion  even the story of the sea gulls and the locusts... they all demonstrate that God is able to do far more than the world's best, it is more sensible then to trust in him. Ofcourse, I have to add a bit about Iceland. But, in a video discussion the application to the EU, the hand of God was obvious when those speaking talked about fishing was the primary export and number one economic resource, until a huge volcano nudged tourism up to exceed fishing. It made me think of how it felt when the Berlin Wall came down. God is in charge, not governments. It is more profitable to know what he says is going to happen instead of speculating as to what is likely to happen.

Last of all I need to mention my decision to stop any ads from bombarding me. That choice was made after I realized how gullible and impressionable I was. There is a lyric to a Lisa Loeb song that goes, "You said that I was naive, but I thought that I was strong." I just thought it was how I paid for everything "free" that I used, until I was free enough from it's grasp to have the thought that my own ideas were not even my own, the cost of not paying cash was too high. I would rather do without, and since then, I have felt so much happier.  I got the notion from someone in Layton who mentioned how much they hated even going into Target these days because of the advertisements, and how I realized when talking to my parents about how it had been years since I saw MTV, but that when I got called into the Young Women in Gallatin I wanted to be aware of what their world was like and I nearly freaked out at how vile and disgusting it was and this was in the 90's. I believe that I am so out of touch because I just never followed trends and instead did what I felt was best... like starting each day with a prayer and scripture study, eating and exercising just comes naturally l.. it does not need to be planned. And if it doesn't then maybe ask yourself if there is something else you should be doing. Blah blah blah, I need to get dressed and clean the house, and make a snack 😋 I will still be thinking,  just not blabbering so much about it, toodles!

morning decision

As I was doing my morning routine, a thought flooded over me, and I realized what I was feeling as stress, and why?

To watch videos that guide me through my healthy ritual, I had to watch ads, and they are what trigger something inside me. Maybe I shouldn't say trigger, but offend.  I decided whether or not it was my body being extra good and trying to mirror what it saw, but it was  not real, thus, not working, despite how it ought in theory. Either way you want to argue, I decided to turn it off and not include any such media in my day. It will be hard, but, will be possible. I will just have to try to walk myself through each exercise from memory of maybe I will write out a cheat sheet today. The point is, I do not need to start the day with advertising.  

I recall a scene of "Lost " where a person was being tortured by being forced to watch a TV screen all day. And that reminded me of other shows using a similar propaganda technique to rewrite or reformat individuals, and something about any ad at all is offensive to my spirit, and I recognized that and need to put an end to it, right now.

Media is not any worse than a gun, but is dangerous when used for unclear purposes.

morning thought - creativity

I did not start this day thinking about creative endeavors, unlike most days. I began listening to the Book of Mormon, and in it Nephi was talking about how his older brothers were upset that he was trying to tell them what to do when it was the birthright of the eldest to reign. Naturally, I thought of all of the similar instances where a younger sibling sort of usurpes the birthright, and how the beauty of such happenings is the artistry of telling important things in a way like a parable, and how it is a humanity to be creative and express things cathartically. And so, that little story speaks more about things that are not spoken of openly, and yet, here they are causing a whole group of people to digest and accept the notion that a birthright may fall to a younger sibling without preaching anything about who they are or what is right or wrong ethically... oh, not at all what I was meaning to say. I will try again,  over and over again, are stories about a younger son ruling over the elder, and why would that theme be presented over and over if not to cause us to understand a greater truth so that if a similar situation becomes known to us, we would readily accept it habitually maybe. 

Also, it answered my personal question as to why creativity was so important to me...it was a moment when the bird realized they were in a cage and that it need not always be the case.... Aurora Leigh