ooof!

Even though I knew that I ought to gain weight, so I would if I started eatting food, it is really hard to be content with gaining weight, I feel like I should fast for days until I reach a better weight, but I recall visual evidence of someone I knew personally who embraced having to gain weight to be healthy although she looked perfect, I thought. After her body got used to having nutrients, THEN she put a training plan into place and got all physically fit and looked so much better than the skinnier version did. Plus, that is practically the exact advice that my grandmother gave me when she said that for years she was the "ideal" and she thought that she looked good, but, felt terrible about all the size she gained, but looking back she actually prefers being her size, and she looked sickly in old photos. My mom often explains that weight gain can be an indication of health. When I was hospitalized I could not leave until I had proven my ability to gain weight (I was prescribed 3 bottles of 'Boost' each day). And she explained that my grandmother more than likely died because she did not have enough "health" from all her dieting and so called fitness crap.

I have a disorder. I do not know what it is, but it is what I am fighting and that is why I write here, to remind myself that I am honestly ok with being larger, I am not even slightly obese, unlike the stupid AI image noom created and I thought I had been wrong all along and that I actually did look like that. But, then several people, including family members, said it looked outrageously crazy and mishapen and nothing like me. It was likely created to make me feel like I had been drastically and dramatically improving so that I would like and financially support that product.

My dad is so right when he said that every thing that sounds like you need it is trying to get you to buy something. I also love how he admonished me to not give up what I need for what I want. That needs to be my mantra in this case. I need health and life in order to accomplish my eternal goals, whereas I only want to be skinny. 

ok, I ought to make an actual post

When I was born I weighed 4lbs 5oz and was not even 2ft tall. It is natural for a being to change in dimension, so changing ought not be seen as terrible, but normal.

People suffered terrible situations out of a hope for the future. As an American, I am actually living the freedom that my ancestors sought, and if I fail to recognize that or enjoy it, that would be a failure.

I can express my gratitude through devoting my time to proper things, which do not include starving myself. 

(Even fasting religiously must not be the mere absence of food and water or it is starvation not fasting.)

If I am awake I really ought to be praying or immersing myself in scripture... but, as I start to congratulate myself for again realizing how near sighted and foolish it is to waste my life in pursuit of vanity, I suddenly remember something. I was given a body and it is a thing that will be mine forever,  so I really ought not just leave it's maintenance to God. I ought to learn how to care for it and what truly makes it healthy.... BUT, keep in mind what really matters. 

Obesity, is not the sin, it is the giving into the flesh excessively that is problematic. 

I am thinking about malformation. It is thought that those types of things are just trials to increase strength so to speak. Well, I have been disabled, and expect that when resurrected body will function properly. Oh, I remember a story about a method actor who underwent so much to transform himself into a certain being. I thought, well, to such people, our physical al appearance must not mean much or as much, because they know full-well that any appearance can be changed with enough effort, they must know that something else is the measure of a person.

I ought to rest, I have thought enough for one morning.

I want something more that to merely appear beautiful. I want to be beautiful and I feel like.... gesamkuntswerk  no part is in itself beautiful, but together they relect what it is

a new perspective on autophagy - hard to understand

I was contemplating I am...as is before Abraham was I am. Often, I ponder on the trinity and how sensible it would be to conclude three being in one body...and I thought of how Jejovah even told those who spoke with him that he was the father, and then as I was thinking about the approach of thought  I thought "well, there's another truth point to Kabalah." It was that doctrine that teaches all are a part of the divine. All are shattered pieces of God, and that made the name "I am" make sense, as it made sense to the Hebrew s when Moses said that he was sent by I AM. 

Auto meaning self, phagy is consumption so, if we are but parts and this life is about returning according to Mormonism one third of God was lost. In Autophagy, cells so far lost they are or greater worth to be consumed for the energy the posses. If we know Jehovah then we know the father. It is a type to fast then, and cleanse fatty parts and thereby perfect outselves, and sensing self as part of a larger organism is a thing to ponder and consider what we are intending. And, I was thinking of a story where part if autophagy is the preparation when the whole mechanism needs to be aware of the DNA or purpose of blueprint to know what isn't essential.

morning thought from March of 2024

I honestly didn't see it, although others had asked me what eating disorder I had. And Brandall used to often tell me that my anorexia was driving him crazy. But, it is like Autisim being undiagnosed in many people because they are atypical. I am not suffering obviously, and I continue to gain weight, to the point of nearly being overweight, so the notion of anorexia seems out of the question.  Yet I generally only eat about 300 calories a day and find missing meals very easy. It just does not make any sense whatsoever that I do not loose weight. I have tried to figure it out and tried thinking out of the box, because several trusted medical experts gave me totally bogus information, like I would be ok as long as I avoided distance running. Well, that is what I did and was good at it and enjoyed it, then when hospitalized, I was told that I would never walk again, but walking worked wonderfully to get in shape, and I ditched my wheelchair years ago, though wobbly, I can walk... from what I gathered from other's experiences anorexia can be triggered by a life event, and perhaps, I always had the disposition, and when fasting worked and then stopped it kicked in fully.

I decided that my best hope is to reset myself, though I will not like myself, I must let myself go and become. Fasting is a trigger for me and should be avoided. It is really not needed anyway. Doctors di not even know the simple things they prescribe anyhow, so I am going to pray and trust God. Now, I do believe at times he uses medical professionals to bless others, and if He tells me that I will obey.

I need to cut back on my daily goals and first focus on fundamental things like sleep, Prayer, breathing, and meditation.

Once they are firmly in place, I can add more... I will focus simple steps on the 4 areas of progress: Physical, Intellectual, social and spiritual. 

old morning thought not posted previously for some reason

I realized this morning how asleep I have been (parable of the 10 virgins).

I think I am aware of things that of myself I have not studied beyond knowing what others think I should have learned. 

🤔 

quote about BMI inaccuracies

My mother pointed out that the way information is available today, one can find information to support whatever viewpoint they have, so I fear that might be the case in the following quote, because everytime I feel bad about my weight, my inner monologue always ends on the conclusion that my weight gain is not unhealthy and I need to recognize that. It is actually what I prayed for for years to be healthy and I truly was severely malnutrition and underweight, so I need to stop with the fat shaming of myself.

"higher BMI in older adults or specific age groups can sometimes correlate with better health and longevity rather than increased risk."

Besides, although I was the ideal in both height and weight, I saw no real advantage. No one sought my company because I was so physically attractive, and my physique has never ever been a desirability thing, though media everywhere said it was.

I was 120lbs and 5ft9, and had long brown hair and blue eyes. Still, nothing about that made me at all desirable. Though I believed it should have and so when I gain weight I feel like.... wait, it didn't work yet, and as I get healthier I gain weight and feel better, but still, I somehow believe that I ought to be skinnier. Even when I moved to Mississippi and I was down to a size 4 and weighed 130lbs I felt I was too heavy and sought to lose weight, which lead to so much weight gain. And my gut reaction is to stop trying to be someone else's ideal and accept who I am. It is good and sort of a strange blessing that I broke free from the slow death of my physical self through fasting and dieting. I ought to gain weight and set a better example of what true health is instead of pandering to the myth of being super skinny is desirable. It is not.

sister Oswald's talk

To be a disciple of Christ is to love one another.

We find true joy when we serve others.

Missionary work sometimes is just loving others.

God meets our needs through the help of others.

Rather than do what is convenient to serve be willing to sacrifice.....

Thinking about others is serving others.... we ought to pray for Charity.

Challenge to pray for daily opportunities to serve others and feel charity, but we are warned this will cause us to step out of our comfort zone.

interesting

As my subcutaneous fat increases, my weight decreases, not what the health gurus tell you.

But, as is constant, when I eat more and drink more my body seems to have more of the resources it needs and Accordinly I increase in health. A few influencers recommend moderation and that comes close to what makes my body thrive, but basically it is by giving in to cravings and such, just not to extreme that works for me.

Another very interesting thing that I learn from my own trial and error and not from the health/capital seeking experts is that exercise has pretty much nothing at all to do with the cause of my weight gain. Whereas it has been a constant " If you do this exercise in this way, then you will lose weight, and when I don't,  it is always because I am eating too much and need to fast. True,  fasting does cause weight loss, but, so does eating enough. Whereas, doing various exercises has never caused weight loss, which is the reason I wondered if something was severely wrong with me.

My take away is an echo of what I once heard, all of those weight loss techniques likely have a place, they are like a smorgasbord from which I pick and chose until I find what works for me. I have 100% learned that weight loss is absolutely not a thing for me at all, and if I can erase it from my mindset altogether I will be healthier.

the reason

I figured out why I cannot seem to break my addictions. I Call them that because they seem like compulsions.that are contrary to my goals and actually do not work and I understand that,  but I run back to them when my goals are not met. I believed maybe it was that I had alternate personalities that were sabotaging me, and they had to each decide to quit playing mobile games for money or find a plan for weight loss. I am over 50 years old and the only plan that ever worked was not having a plan and allowing my own body determine what was best for me.

At this point, it feels like a Sarah and Abraham thing, where all good sense tells me what to do, I call this my intellect, or reasonable side, and when I give up and let God, nothing happens. So, just as Sarah figured out intellectually how to fulfill God's promise to Abraham she acted on it, and gave her hand maid in her place, but when she came to herself she didn't really like the idea, and that is where I am right now. I follow diets because they seem to work, but, when they don't I think, well, they were wrong in the first place, but they after it is gone my weight loss goal is still present, so I ought to do something,  well, such and such actually worked, but it costs money, so I need to make money, playing games which attaboy me with all of the Health guru advertisements. It, for a latter-day Saint, is like going to a fast and testimony meeting of diets and health plans, and each ad full of testimonies, "It works for everyone else, but you. You must be a freak. "

But, this week, our youth lesson is on priesthood power, and it got me thinking 🤔 if I truly believe in this power, as I claim to, then surely if I asked for God to help me, he would. That's it! I will ask for a priesthood blessing. I can overcome this funk. Being physically attractive is NOT the reason or promise of my existence. And frankly, I would rather not even think about it. I believe, without the influence of those stupid apps and games, that my failure is because I am not sticking to anything. And the reason, I can and probably will succeed is through following my intuitive self, even if it seems entirely unlikely or that I am moving in the wrong direction. Last time, I started gaining weight and instantly jumped back to the plan that worked, but, again constantly having to tweak this or that because it just "felt" wrong. I even asked Mary if maybe it was a yo-yo diet thing, that, sure it works as long as you stay on it, but it is actually damaging me. Like IF. I lost tons of weight and loved it, until I realized that weight loss was not due to fasting it was due to muscle loss, and I needed to eat, but actually struggled to do so, because my body had adapted.

This morning was hard, I did not want to run, and I recalled a podcast where a woman said that she actually gaing weight and size when she started training for a race. No diet plan even suggested that I run, and everyone else in my house was still asleep. Still, I got up and forced myself to do it chanting in my head, it will get easier, if you do it! And I want to rund because I love running, not for and other purpose and I definitely will never run again without enduring the pain and struggle, plus, each morning I do not run signals that it is not important anyway, but it is. I have been promised that I can accomplish anything I set my self to, and it is merely important that the things I set out to accomplish are of eternal significance. This morning was not about running, it was about accomplishing. Accomplishing only happens when we stick to something....much like having FHE and family prayers. They would be hard to make people do, if they had not simply become habitual. I intend to run every morning at 6:30. Not for a race. Not to loose weight. But, because that is what I do.

morning thought

You knuw that talk about flashes of light, pretty sure it was a BYU devotional, any there was a story about a guy who actually knew things that his senses had not time to sufficiently reveal to him, cause he had only brief flashes as they traveled, anyhow, this is one of my flashes, and a thing that had been revealed but, only because I pondered and considered did my mind have time to form it into a thought.

Through all my attempts to recreate what worked after my movie weight gain. It really worked, and initially I thought it was my fasting.  well, yeah, and no.

I was so sure it had caused my healthy rebound, but my attempts this time around failed hugely!!

I then, thought it was the daily walking. Well, yeah, and no. Later as I over did it, I concluded, with evidence, that exercise did not cause weight loss. It actually caused weight gain. So, most recently, I quit entirely, and have neither gained or lost weight.

My diet is stable,  and the reason fasting and walking worked is that they were consistant over a long period of time. This may not hold true for anyone else, but for me, consistancy is the key to weight normalizing. 

My health did change when we moved here, and I have been trying different things every other week or so, which caused my body stress. It prefers normalcy. The one thing that changed my weight, actually only a little bit, certainly not tipping me overweight, that was a result of trying so hard to lose weight. What changed is our living arrangement which  doesn't require as much walking, life is easier. And I rarely get 5 hours of sleep per night. Last night, though I tried so hard, I only got about 3 hours. My husband stays awake playing loud video games until 11pm, and then my son wants to be awaken and fed breakfast by 4 to 4:30am, and it takes me a considerable amount of time to fall asleep.

Maybe I should intend to only nap at night, and then sleep during the day. That might work, if I could normalize it and be consistent.  Hmmmm... I could try that. I do not NEED  to make money, or exercise or eat even. 1 thing at a time. How would that work. I would need a block of 6 hours. How about 10 am until 3pm that would work. I could do that, and see what it does, if it makes my thoughts clearer and such. Ok, I am late already..... bless, bless.

morning thoughts

I get worried when media matches what I think. Then I recall that story Gavin taught me about his little piece of yarn, and am like aha! "They" realize that I have figured it out, so my conspiracy theory is that they pretend that they were wrong but kniw believe, same truth I discovered is true, so that I will, as was taught in IBM "moment of truth" training for tech support, align with a group because from what I know they are honest.... that is how they earn trust in order to beguiling again, or present a blatant falsehood hidden among truths. So, I am less concerned that suddenly "they" seem helpful.

I am failing to make progress because my constant inconsistency. It is like trying to make something simple (crochet). I spend hours looking for a pattern, until I am all in on one, that I start working on and continue for days just to realize it is not going to produce what I was looking for, and I usually fall back on my original pattern less idea, but when asked if I used a pattern, I must say yes, but I also didn't really. Or if asked how long it took, well, it took me months!! but actual crocheting was extremely simple once I learned to trust myself. This is exactly what I am doing with my fitness. I am looking for something that I will be able to maintain for life, and Just when I think I found it, and it might even have success, I second guess it, so I decided this time, I needed consistancy! And first started with a daily 50, then switched it to a daily 7minute routine I could do every hour on the hour, and it worked, but I lacked somethings, and I wanted to care for all parts of my body, so I felt like Radio Taiso 1 does that, and it can be done anywhere, especially since I have the music on my phone, and regardless of how I feel or how old I get I could do it. So I was decided, but, then I thought I still needed cardio or something maybe not long term but like medicine that isn't a long-term thing, but it serves a purpose right now, but if I switch again, it might prove to undo all I have achieved in reducing stress, plus, my weight increases the more I exercise, whereas I lose overall weight if I do nothing.... major dilemma. I want to pick something and stay with it forever regardless what immediate effects may be. I promised I would never change it, but I just need some challenge or diversity in my routine... oh, what to do. Maybe I will sleep on it tonight before I decide, but I did really like the interval training and I 100% trust this lady, though technically,  I trusted other, too until I could actually prove them false. But, even if this woman is untrue, I do not think she knows it, the way everyone believed the earth was the center of the universe.

I guess, I could follow Alma's advice and plant the seed and if it grows then I will know.  If this does grow I will be sooooo content, whereas the fact that I could even attempt to change the routine suggests that it has a flaw. Ok, I have decided. Though it still has a place, like qi gong and tai chi, my radio taiso all day plan is going to be absorbed in my new 6 day routine which I like cause it gives me a Sabbath and that is important, too.

morning thought

This morning I keep thinking about How many calories I need, not what some rediculous clanker suggests, but from experience and trial and error, I have found my daily requirement to be much higher than is recommended.  I loose weight and feel better and less like I am trying to force a square block into a round hole. This thought led me to consider Joseph and how it is unlikely he is getting nearly enough calories. When I was his age, I was ravenous, and had to supplement with sweets and cookies, etc. His comment was that sugar is Mankind's cheat. He explained that ir would be nearly impossible to get enough calories from nature.... how brilliant. That made me rethink notions about the Nephites being huge. Sure, he was of large stature but, he lived in the dessert basically for years, how large could he actually be and survive? I recall something about a race of beings being giants, could be the jotun, from Norse mythology, don't recall. But, they got into wars with the normal sized people who tried to take them in because they ate too much, literally. 

My last thought was about goldfish. Upon seeing a very large fish on deadliest catch, it was explained that it was of the goldfish family which are known to adapt to their environment. I Also remember huge Lingcod and Cabezon along with Dungenous crabs at Edmonds Underwater park. They were protected there. It was illegal to fish or exploit the sea life in any way so they were free of predators and allowed to thrive. I see that in our cultures. Like me, I am taller than my parents, and that is common. It is not any suprise that I am growing bigger because I live a life of relative ease.

morning thought

As I reviewed my history to see if I could just rest (take a nap) this afternoon, cause it made me feel so much better yesterday, but, I didn't accomplish much. I noticed a trend, what I had assumed was random, unexcused weight gain and deceases were actually directly related to rest.

I had heard it declared by respected experts that the shape of our body is not determined by our will power and excessive; rather, it is more reflexive and more to do with our DNA and subsequent hormones. I knew that my body used a lot of calories on it's own and although moment is good, not benefiting me because of it's role in  burning energy through exercise, but that my body is always "making choices" best it can with what I give it to work with....and my time would be better spent getting out of the way and trusting it to do what is best for me than trying to force it to so something to become like someone else. I need to have more faith and trust that if I rest it will not harm me or make me a slothful person. Our Heavenly Father already knew our struggles and what we needed to be successful. If I can believe any such miracles like David conquering Goliath. Surely, I can believe that if I ask him, he will solve my Villegas.

I will take a nap and not lose the momentum I am building to get into a better shape. It is similar to how Brigham Young had strong and willing workers go help the railroad construction to help raise a temple. It would have taken faith to stop laboring on the temple to speed up it's construction, but. That is precisely what happened, and with every miracle it was proceeded by faith.

morning thoughts

If I caught the errors in AI in things like my 3D scan, my weight, and my blood pressure. I do not doubt that all of those trendy fitness and health video and apps although they meant well, we're sure to fail because, just like auto"correct" sometimes misrepresented what our intentions were. This morning I realized so much of what I was taught was absolutely true, and the trouble all along has not been some conspiracy by pharmaceutical companies, it was bombarding me with the wrong ads and advice. My trouble was not that I was in my 50's and my metabolism was slowing, and dismissing all the seemingly accurate advice turned out to be such a good idea. Through trial and error and testing my own blood sugar levels, though I still cannot explain exactly what was going on. I did discover something that absolutely works, but, it means going against so much of what I was told. I must consume more calories than my body requires to function in the first place, which I discovered the same way I figured out how much sleep I needed, but being consistent and see what my body does. So, my bmr was estimated to be around 1,600 calories, but I followed that belief and nothing worked, it seems that was far too few. But, I assumed the plans assumed that I would not acutely report my consumption because so many of my daily readings were about cravings and how to avoid them. Um, that has Never ever been a problem for me. I trip up in forgetting to eat or trying to not exceed some magic number so I over report.

For multiple days, I have had exact predictions regarding my weight, and I feel confident in saying I finally understand my body. I estimate my bmr to be closer to 2,200 calories per day. So, exceed that and then do exercise to bring the total back to below that...or else my cortisol spikes and I get stuck again in flight of fight mode.

It has been a very very very long journey, and I have take multiple slams to my self-esteem. Actually believing that I was overweight and needed to just deal with that. But, overweight or not I will properly care for MY body in gratitude and simply be content that I Atlantis have figured this out.

P.s. I do not regret all the side quests like cardio, hormones balance, strength training, insulin resistance, etc. Because they all help me understand how a body works according to natural laws, and that alone was monumental in learning what to trust.

calories, not working

Well, counting calories does not work, because I struggle to get just the right amount so, I try many things, or like recently, a program said that I was over weight, so I ate very sparingly but, realized that I didn't reach my basal needs yet, so I just ate crap to reach it, but that reminds me of the deer that were trapped in a town in Colorado, and the town stuffed they regularly with hay, and they ate plenty of food, but ended up dying of starvation or malnutrition because their stomachs were not filled with things their bodies needed.