ooof!

Even though I knew that I ought to gain weight, so I would if I started eatting food, it is really hard to be content with gaining weight, I feel like I should fast for days until I reach a better weight, but I recall visual evidence of someone I knew personally who embraced having to gain weight to be healthy although she looked perfect, I thought. After her body got used to having nutrients, THEN she put a training plan into place and got all physically fit and looked so much better than the skinnier version did. Plus, that is practically the exact advice that my grandmother gave me when she said that for years she was the "ideal" and she thought that she looked good, but, felt terrible about all the size she gained, but looking back she actually prefers being her size, and she looked sickly in old photos. My mom often explains that weight gain can be an indication of health. When I was hospitalized I could not leave until I had proven my ability to gain weight (I was prescribed 3 bottles of 'Boost' each day). And she explained that my grandmother more than likely died because she did not have enough "health" from all her dieting and so called fitness crap.

I have a disorder. I do not know what it is, but it is what I am fighting and that is why I write here, to remind myself that I am honestly ok with being larger, I am not even slightly obese, unlike the stupid AI image noom created and I thought I had been wrong all along and that I actually did look like that. But, then several people, including family members, said it looked outrageously crazy and mishapen and nothing like me. It was likely created to make me feel like I had been drastically and dramatically improving so that I would like and financially support that product.

My dad is so right when he said that every thing that sounds like you need it is trying to get you to buy something. I also love how he admonished me to not give up what I need for what I want. That needs to be my mantra in this case. I need health and life in order to accomplish my eternal goals, whereas I only want to be skinny.