Could vs. Would revisited

I never concluded in words which was better could or would, but my life chouces spoke my choice regardless of what I typed. My actions declared that could was better than would, and should was better than both.

Now, I revisit them on a more pertinent matter. Because, it seems like could is better in terms of potential to do a thing, and all that was needed was sufficient time. But, no matter how much a plant would grow with enough rain, without the rain, no ammount of waiting is going to ever going to pay off. So, I have decided, especially in terms of a husband: could is absolutely not better than would, especially when it comes to setting and example and teaching children. I say/think this as I prepare for FHE. How fortunate I am to live in an area where FHE is both encouraged and understood. I am thankful for the willingness of a husband, but not at all thankful for what he could do that he should. It feels like everything I teach is diffused by him because dad doesn't do it, so it obviously doesn't really matter.

I had been so excited with my "Utah Mormon" husband who actually could be everything I wanted in life that I didn't even consider if he would be. He always could and has made his choice and I should have really accepted him for what he was not what he could be.

Now, I see that it would have been so much wiser to consider one who would be everything over someone who currently could but was not.

Ok. I am not even really thinking of me I am thinking of how to justify an English princess  falling in love with a viking warlord. It is really really hard to look as people as their will be opposed to who they are which is a huge part of could and would. The advantage I see now of would is that it will become all it could whereas could remains a potential, forever the seed, never the fruit.

As promised...

So, it started with a twist in the conversation. Soon Tracey and I were talking crochet which lead to her sending me the awesomist (is that a word) wiggly crochet pattern for some hot pads. She almost always has a hand in answering my prayers. It is the same pattern which I had been searching for since about 2005 when I saw it made and studied it at my grandmother's house in Florida. It was so beautiful, I wanted to create it, too. That could start a whole new conversation about how we want to create beautiful things. So, as I finally found this pattern, it made me think of my Grandmother, who has passed away, and how much I miss her, but I realize it is no different, in a way, than her being in Florida where I never see her, only I bet she is happy. She was such a good, kind woman. Not wealthy, by earthly standards, though she joked about having a burried treasure that grandpa never found, but he married her in hopes of finding. Ha, ha. I felt certain that she was well. Often, I pray for such, and it struck me as odd how I pray for her more now that she is dead than I did when she was living. I guess to me, alive she was my elder, but in spiritual matters I was her elder and felt protective, like she was a mere babe and needed protection and understanding, this lead me to consider family history and intelligence.

I have no doubt others who have passed from this life are concerned with us and our fates, as are we with theirs. I often have thought about those who come to know spiritual things and how much it will benefit them in their eternal life. And so, I thought of these scriptures from D & C:

130: 18 & 19

18 Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.
19 And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come.

and 131:7 & 8

There is no such thing as immaterial matter. All spirit is matter, but it is more fine or pure, and can only be discerned by purer eyes;
8 We cannot see it; but when our bodies are purified we shall see that it is all matter.

Mostly, I was struck by the fact that a thing I had long supposed was not so, it is that we shall suddenly have "the viel" lifted from our eyes upon death and will know the truth of all things. But, clearly, those who know things, will continue to know and those who do not yet understand may be taught (Jesus visited and taught those in a sporit prison).  So, if you read that last bit, if spirits were in prison, why so? It seems to find resolution in being taught, so I suppose ignorance is a prison of sorts. I am getting off track again!

Ok, new paragraph. If you come to understand how things were done and why, regardless of how, you will still understand it and be grateful after death.

I had been doing a great deal of work on a particular family name which appears spelled two different ways, from two different countries, but the same area, so I sorta figured they were actually the same somewhere, somehow.

It was this same name that seemed to have a hand in my life when it was most needed, and I could not understand it, but I felt like I owed something to this family, and so I worked alot of doing their geneaology, and guess what? Turns out, I found a relation in my very ward with that same surname who shared a story of a loved one who had passed on and had deep love of family history. I do not pretend to understand much more than I have said here, but it was enough for me to conclude that it was not all merely a coincidence.

There are things that can be known and not unknown that require faith, but once known they will be known forever. I think that is why the angels record the things we know so that they might keep a database of who is fit for which designation.
I have heard, at church, how people claim that they are sure such and such is on a mission in the spirit world.

I can accept that because, though being a person who owns a body of flesh is my goal, I am a person of spirit and intelligence, who always was and always will be. I used the word father to refer to one who made such possible, but even words loose meaning outside of this realm.

I wrote a musical once about the languagd of the gods being music and the thing that seperated the "under world" from earth was music and when a king banished music, oh! It was frightening It was based on the opera of "Orpheus and Euridice".

Ok, time to get everyone up and ready.

Start out lightly

Today, my thoughts are dwelling on intelligence. Actually, for a few days I have been considering things like deduction, reasoning, intuition, and truth.
When I say truth it brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings. I figure either they are strong cause you have considered it alot or "eh, don't care". If the later comes to mind probably reading is not your strong suit, there will be no videos or coloring activities in this blog post so you might as well mosey on... but, if you actually do care what I think truth is read on, I will start easy and obvious.

My kids accept things that adults say as truth. This has been explained as a trait that was vital to the resilience of mankind, alright. I too believed and hoped fully in things that I had been taught. Infact, almost daily I am thinking about something I unequivocally accept in my structure of truth only to thing perhaps it maybe a weak link, like I discover many times when working on family history. I used to just trust wiser individuals than I had researched and prodded until they unearthed this truth so it simply was correct, and a few things I doubted ended up with an explination. It was true, therefore if it seems unlikely, it is explained somehow,  I just do not know how.

So, my kids believe 100% in a story we all know called "Noah's Ark." ok, but the story seems unlikely for many, many reasons, and it does not even phase,me because I have played the game telephone. And I know that stories often evolve, like the bed time story last night about what a child tells his father that he saw on Mulberry street. I have been taught that the Bible is a very good book and contains words from God, and allows us to learn of him, but it often fails to convey the exact true principles because of translation errors.

In a series of novels by Robert Jordan, we learn that stories over time evolve into legend and eventually myth, this is referred to, in his world, as the Wheel of Time. And so it makes sense to me that there is truth to the myth making it valuable. Infact, I recall a video I watched years ago saying this regarding the Bible: "It does not need evidence because it is true not factual."

I was telling them about the daughters of Ham who were killed because they would not deny Jesus Christ. I paused. I was referencing this story because I had told my kids that being constant was valuable, cause, they said I could not change my mind cause I had made a deal, and I was so happy they provided a teaching opportunity to teach about covenants. In concluded with me saying that if we make a promise we must keep it, and never ever ever changing our minds regarding a thing is rewarded. Then I needed to recant  that because my mind was flooded with " but, but, but..." so, I taught how even if terrible things must,be suffered we needed to stay honest and true to what we said.

Now, what troubled me is things I believe that contradicted eachother. There is likely an explination, but if the story of a man building an ark and the whole earth being flooded was actual, there was a real dilemma. The three women were referred to as daughters of Ham, who was a son of Noah. Everyone alive had to be a descendant of Noah, huh? Um, but what about the story of Cain... I digress, sorry. So the distinction of being called a "daughter of Ham" merely meant that the individual appeared dark of skin, or what we call African American today,  although most dark skinned folk I know are not from Africa...but, it was dealt with in their day with some story, but cause I was telling my kids, I started to think,  wait a sec, how did Noah's family produce a dark skinned people?

Maybe, this is a way evolution can fit in with religion, it must to be true.

Also consider where the giants or philistines came from.

Ok, I must get bavk to work, I still have not yold my story of my Mulan mixtape and how it makes me think of a scripture about intelligence. Later...I promise.

Espoused

It is hard to even comprehend, but what devotion! I love the idea of being espoused, because it requires a commitment and devotion to demonstrate devotion. It is a much more believable thing than any sort of dowery or expensive ring, which are intended to demonstrate devotion.

I remember a new beginings in WA when a seminary instructor told us how he had given several promise rings to girls in hopes that at least ONE would be there for him when he returned. The funny turn in events was that two of the girls bragged to eachother about their missionary, who was the same person. Ofcourse, only one of them ended up being his wife, but as funny as it would be to tell more of his story, I wanted only to say how much respect I have for those who behave as if they were married although the marriage has been neither legalized or solemnized. And still it is legitimized in their minds. But, I think if it had worked it would still be working instead of privately promising. I guess what I am saying is that I have no real faith in the promises of others especially without evidence, a sacrifice of buying an expensive ring is a great idea, if The person did not easily buy such a ring. Plus, when I was looking at marriage, waiting to prove any committment sounded rediculous. Hence, I recieved only one real engagement ring, and it worked in making me think twice before I changed my mind, but if we had been espoused publically which required public accpuntability to change my mind that would have been so much better (so says the girl who has never been edpoused).

Sorta unrelated, I feel like... what the heck must be done, sweetheart?

I started thinking this because I was pondering Mary's agreeing to be the mother of God though she had to know that no one would believe her, but Joseph did.

Dowery is a pretty good idea because it calls for social accountability, and pressure from families, but thinking of those involved, I see several problems that arise from such an institution.

Being espoused publically is good to me because, someone is expected to maintain respectable life as if they were married, although, everyone knows theyj aren't. That is what makes Mary's story seem so devious because she did have any and all opportunity to be unfaithful to her promises, and break with Joseph and instead Marry the true father of her child, except for divine intervention, so Joseph was aware independently of her innocence.

I guess what I am saying, in a long drawn out way, is that I believe her story because of what Joseph did.

Great Compensation

This is a great title to a book, I will likely never write. I thought about Dickens as I wrote it. And how similary, I would like to present an idea of how we are tripped up or maybe lured would be a better word, either way, it is an old school way of beguiling someone by making them think it is a fair trade when it isn't.

Ok I was going to write briefly here about how so many people are sellouts or maybe I should say beguiled and do not know it. Because they know nothing of what they could have they only seek temporary rewards that seem permanent.

Many go so far as to say, there is no God or afterlife or reward, and trust only in what they can know now and so they seek what they can get now.

I have heard stories  of a study that was done with children offering them a huge reward now, or a bigger one later, and when left alone they almost always cannot resist  and seccumb to eating their "sure thing" treat because it is irresistable and the future is unknown.

Have you ever wondered why God wants us to call him our father if we had no begining? I think it has to do with the similarities of situation whereby we can learn lessons we will need. Sort of what I told a dental assistant once, how I felt like what I was going to say should be televised on a program called "thing we say in a dental chair" or more ominous "confessions from the dental chair". I only told her that she would learn so much from her children when she had them. I was not aware that she was currently expecting. I just think there are monumental lesson to learn from understanding how our role as parents is similar to Heavenly Father's concerning us as his children. I felt so indebted for everything that was done to help me. I thought reminding her of the sacred blessing that not just babies are, but children. I think that is why we call him father because he is our greatest role model, and what father isn't?

A Type or shadow...

I was just giggling about this thought, so I wanted to spread such realizations. My kids are always saying the darndest things. I smile alot because such conclusion besides being absurd, they never even occurred to me. It is like beta testing software and never even imagining such a way to destroy or crash the program.

Anyhow, so as I was thinking how I didn't want to change myself, I just wanted to be beautiful and appreciated as such by someone, and I thought, "well, God loves me and thinks I a beautiful" so continuing that thought I wondered if God gets such a kick out of our "brilliant" scientific, even ideas. I started thinking about all of the brilliant things I thought and imagined them to potentially be as humorous to an Eternal Parent.

Sex and love are not the same thing

Ofcourse when it asks sex on paperwork it is not referring at all to love.  I think somewhere along the line things got confused. Sure, sex in that context refers to the sort of being we are in regards to making a family.

A church I have been instructed clearly that marriage should be between a man and a woman. But, because so many peopke translate that to saying that love should only be between a man and a woman.  It does not and it sort of frustrates me a bit that people get so up in arms about  defining love by gender. That makes NO sense. Sexual love only makes sense when gender is an issue, but every child who gets to live understands that. Families, referring to a way to propigate, have a man and woman for less obvious reasons, too. Sure a child could possibly be raised by one sex, that is not anything anyone ever questioned. But, for the best possible arrangement children ought to be raised with two distinct viewpoints and abilities designed to generate a world of balance and love.

I grew up being taught that certain desires and appetites were inborn and by design to create a strong enough bond to create a strong family. But, that is not a thing I call love it is like a reflex, how we love food or music, a preference. The trouble arrises when the question of " what if I prefer to build a family on a foundation of same sex?" Is it love? I do not rightly know, as frustrating as that sounds,  I do not know, I do know that for a strong family it is a good, true thing that it needs to be built on a relationship between aan and a woman.

As a teenager, I was in a discussion with a woman who claimed that she and her husband were simply not compatible. I was confused, because I saw things much more simply then, clearly every man was compatible with every woman. I got upset eith her and thought, "well, I know enough that I will never ever get divorced." Um, I thought sex and love were synonyms.

But, sometime into my divorce I was watching an episode of "Bones" where Seely Booth was explaining sex as a facet of love. It was a feeling so powerful that you wanted to occupy the same space as another. Actually, there was no way to actually satisfy the need to be one. Brilliant. It brought back my childhood images from "Dark Crystal" where the Skeckzies and Mystics finally become one literally as the crystal was whole. I wanted that, but how then did I end up thinking that because I tried love and it failed, so I woild marry for a solid foundation.

I ought to have known what I do now. It is like when they tried to build the Salt Lake Temple and discovered cracks in the limestone they were using for a foundation. A family needs to be built on love, real love,and it is hard even then, but without it a healthy family life is impossible. Yes. I believe that. A solid foundation needs two parts, a man and a woman. And who are deeply in love and committed to keeping a promise which will be a strong enough foundation to handle anything throen at it. A person in my SS class said that the closer we get to good the harder our trials become and we cannot even comprehend the struggles our leaders endure for our sake. Sou b ds like a good marriage.  It is the case for my brothers and sisters.

On the flip side. I heard a girl say how it was better that a couple not try to build a family for the sake of the children, actually, they are getting the wrong lessons, by your actions. I do see how children are getting a wrong idea about how their life should be. I based mine off of how my grandparents were. They had seperate rooms and that became my gial and ideal because surely that must be right because they suceeded in everyway I  hoped to... better get something done today...

Immunization

I was watching a show with a whole lot of things about getting your children immunized.  A thing that was of interest was that they said the largest demographic of mothers who were opting out of vaccines for their children are highly educated white women. Instantly, a scripture came to mind, "when men are learned they think they are wise and harken not to the counsels of God." The excuse is almost always that they "know" best how to care for their family and it includes wanting to reasearch the "facts" for themselves.

Why should I?

Ok, how I came by thinking this is almost always more interesting than the thought itself, so here goes.

There are ideas that I have but I cannot trace the origin, and one such thought was that I was believed to be someone else in hiding. Crazy, right? Well, I always think everyone is crazy for thinking that. But, the crux is I cannot even point out a substantial shred of evidence that anyone else even thinks that, so while I was considering it, I thought, hmmm maybe I secretly think I am someone else. Yeah! I am and until I become her, I will just blame my thoughts on the foolish imaginings of others... sounds Scizophrenic to me, but oh well, I am not the crazy one, everyone else is!

Ok, so then I was imagining how I would actually become this person I am in embryo, and I thought instantly of my son and how he makes his own choices, but, they are obviously (to me) wrong. Sometimes, I correct him, but sometimes he only figures out that he doesn't want that consequence so he chooses otherwise next time (like a Rat in a maze..hah Algernon). The point is, I am there to guide him, and protect him, as I was thinking that I remembered that was the exact definition my Daughter gave for God.

Ok, enough back story. You with me now?

I pray to talk to God. More or less I reason things out. But, conversation is two-way. If I had to wait for my son to finaly choose to speak to me: I would probably command him to do so more often, all the time sounds pretty good. I have an advantage over Heavenly Father in that I can easily speak to my children and teach them. God really wants to tell us things and instruct us, too. He has prophets and finds a means to tell us things we need to know. The means are many, but usually they start with the scriptures. God speaks to us directly through the stories and words that He has given to his prophets. But, most of all our willingness to draw near to him and do what he wants is attractive  (to use precisely the right word). So, I pray and read my scriptures mostly to communicate with my Heavenly Father. Cause, I can see how much help parents can and want to provide.

Do you ever wonder?

All, well before I get started I will mention a back story, I was playing a silly game with myself that if I really believed, which I don't then a thing would happen, but I wondered if that's how things really worked,  I knew it wouldn't happen, so it wouldn't, but would  it happen if I did believe and how do others agency work into that? Then I sorta wondered about that VH song about the pathways I might have taken, when I think of how impossible it would be to accomplish one thing I think of alternates, and that makes me consider what would so and so be like if... and I pretend to chase after an alternate option that is equal to what my goal is in this life, wierd stuff, but back to my real intent:

All my life people try to tell me that It us all made up hooey. But, if everyone of them believe the Bible to be true, it ststes that if you want to know something, then, ask.  And if anyone asked, they wiuld no longer question things or need faith.. hmmm, odd.

Inclination

There must be a pre existing inclination because there are stories and testaments for every angle of a story. I had always believed in a lowest denominator where a thing could not be explained in simpler terms.

But, as I think of how I believe The Book of Mormon is what it claims to be I consider other stories. I assume there are many which I have not considered and could not even fabricate and I must consider this to have been presented to others, (this being another opinion or story) which lead them to believe as they deemed correct.

The trouble is that I had always thought that regardless of what it decided it was how it decided to get there that was of interest to me, meaning that I was more interested in the solution than the answer. But, then it occurred to me that if a solution was truly brilliant and correct then it would settle for the truth. Like settling for my husband, I believed he often concluded wrong, but was thinking right, so if given the right thing to think on he would end up in the best place, but it troubles me to see that his conclusions do not meet mine when given the same information.

So, now I need to think most seriously about my descision of what to believe. I want to be firm and believe what I did, already, but if I believe it, it contradicts what I believe about a family.

Ok, this requires prayer.  If ever someone "lacked wisdom" to the point I did  (caused an apparent stalemate), I would consider them in a very small needy group. I am quite independent and I do not like to follow other's example, but even Christ had John the Baptist to prepare his way.

Oh, come on, I really am so insignificant, such a thing would not even matter. No one would care or be effected if I pulled a George Bailey, not that I would, I sorta like living, and figuring out why. I just acknowledge that there are an unlimited number of opinions of what is true. I am only concerned with one, Gods, and any that will lead me to that end. I was just realizing that some of those opinions might be that God does not even exist...and what would such a train of thought lead to?

"...like a freight train that derails from it's track. Never meets it's destination and it's never going back...."

Where is it hidding?

Have you ever found a thing just to figure out later that it was not what you really wanted? Happiness is like that, too. It is found when things line up, maybe more things than I can even comprehend. But, I know that some people are able to do things before others, I mean in terms of development. Ages for certain benchmarks are set, and some are sooner and some are later, but for the most part, take for instance walking, at 12 months of life a human can walk. But, some do it sooner and others are motivated to do it, too. But, my daughter, I thought she couldn't walk at 16 months, still, but later, she told me that ofcourse she could everyone can at 12 months. Ok.

Lately, someone asked opinions of if a child could make a choices to be baptised at age 8. Because it had been determined that a child was able to make decisions at the age 8 they are given the opportunity to chose to be baptized.

At 18 we are supposedly mature enough to live unaided by parents. All of us? The real concern I have is for choosing an eternal companion, someone to be with FOREVER, when I am not sure we can even understand what that means in this life, I guess some do, but I have merely learned what will not work.

If we live For eternity, then a person is a fluid concept. That is how I found where happiness is hiding.

We are happy when things align, we are simply not ever able to make such a choice in this life, and that is why we need to ask. It is a matter of faith, like wether or not you believe God exists, cause it cannot be proven.

Ok, so we must trust God to tell us, even if we do not like what he says. People fall in love because of how a person looks or acts, or IS right now, but actually, if they live forever probably all of that will change. But, ah hah! So will you.

I have been struggling trying to figure out what does not change so I can like that, but years have passed and everything changed except for an idea.

Ok, too much to say, too little time.... hopefully I'll be back to say more.

Public speaking

As I age, I thought I was maturing because I was less free verbally in public. But, as I get fat and try to exercise I realize it isn't maturity, it is just a thing that has always been hard, but used to be easy for me.

I never realized what things I did vecayse they were merely life for me. Even things I did last year seem way to hard to impossible to do now, like shoulder stands or thousands of situps. But, these things were effortless for me and I stopped doing them because I saw no effect. But, ise it or loose it.

I used to be a very open and candid speaker and I considered my increasing fear of saying a wrong thing, as just being more aware and aging, but it is just thst I stopped doing it and lost what I had and now must rebuild.

Why do we see

It bothers me to consider how much value we place on seeing things, but we do not really even see them and only get closer in hindsight.

How she did it

I want to understand how Eve was able to get Adam to give up. I think I already know, I just haven't actually realized it yet. She didn't really do it, just as we never MAKE anyone do anything. She did not coerse him or convince him that giving up was bad, she merely convinced him not to give up on anything is he was so inclined. 

Now, is where I reccommend a song. It is "Don't Give Up" by Jason Mraz