I was not able to move beyond considering this, because my daughter very kindly, requested that I get up and make her a snack cause it was past due and she had been patient. So, while I was up anyhow I thought I would continue my thoughts on here.
It is readily known that I admire Beethoven and this obsession has naturally led me to consider myself a failure when I have been blessed with plenty of hardship and seeming impossibility to overcome. Sadly, I just feel unmotivated merely days after each mental pep-talk I give myself.
when I was newly married, living in Nashville, I recall seeing a movie and though I was not over the top impressed by it, one conversation by another I found it weaseled itself into my conversations, and it was not even me. At a Stake Conference, our Regional Facilities Something or other was visiting, it was president Phil Smart who had been my stake president in Georgia. So, I ran up to him after the meeting to thank him for asking me spontaneously to give a talk about how I wold only date members of the church. Walking to the pulpit to give that talk I was wondering, "Do I actually have any intentions of only dating in the church?" Well, I spoke and accordingly only dated in the church, cause I am NOT a hypocrite. If I say a thing I do it. Ended up almost all of my college friends were baptized and I told all boys I met that I would not date outside of my faith, and I ended up sealed to a member of the Nashville Stake Presidency with a perfect daughter and one on the way. I had never been happier! but, just as I was walking away, another man asked him if he had seen that movie, cause it was striking how my husband looked exactly like the bad guy (who appeared good and gets shot in the end). So, again, that darned movie butted in. and sort of hijacked my thoughts.
Later, I found that Gone With the Wind somehow crept into every conversation. so I decided that meant it was how my "glasses" were tinted, by movies.
Ok, so that was a huge tangent, but this is not an apology, just noticing the need for course correction.
I am in the middle of absorbing information about why, right now. You might think first off A Room With a View would pop up, cause of the boy asking his eternal "Why". though, applicable I instead am thinking of the last episode of the 100 where a cult follower accuses the culturally acceptable way of thinking as selfish. There is a point in the episode where the cult dude is supposed to climb up and toss a rope to this other guy whom he was trying to kill moments earlier. And it seems like he is going to ditch the guy, but I thought, "Comeon. He lectured about the greater good versus selfishness. Ofcourse he is going to toss the rope". and, he does.
maybe, I am a bit narcissistic, as well always thinking about how things effect Me. One time my dad suggested I try to speak and use the pronoun "I" less....but, hey, my name starts with me and has I in the middle. but, I was unable to doze off because of a scene from the movie "Mountain of the Lord" where Brigham Young is perplexed with what to do because years of work needed to be redone correctly, but he did not want to tear it out and do it all over... I was so curious what he would do, and he sat and decided that he would not move until he knew what to do. I figured that I NEEDED to do something only I never knew what, so I gave up considering life and went to sleep. NOT TODAY. I would not rest until I had firmly decided what to do.
I was excited that I knew that I needed to do something, and that I actually had a place and purpose, but I had continuously been wrong, even though, I always chose good things, they ultimately were not the right thing. It was then I thought, "Maybe I am similar to Beethoven, or Walter Trout, but music was not my thing." huh? but I Was a musician, it was my great talent and desire, well, it was.
I remember learning that I lost many most valuable things as a blessing. Only I misunderstood it as a blessing to regain them and turn weak things strong again, but a thing constantly in my heart is that I will be protected, like Moana, I say, "Um loosing everything is not protection." or is it? Maybe loosing abilities and still beimg me shows me what a distraction music had been to me.
I sought good things, but not the best things. My youngest son once told me, that it got him very nervous that it seemed like I wasn't going to even marry the right person. Strange thing for him to say, huh? yeah, but that same week a very good friend told me things her daughters had said to her, so she confided in me that she believed those strange things kids say should not be discredited.
While I though hard and prayerfully considered what my thing was if it was not music. I thought, I am a good mother, and... Ah, Hah! The one thing, that no one could ever take from me. I realized that was my purpose in life. Not being a wife or mother, although that is part of it, It is love.
I realized that despite ANY freaking thing that ever even tried to discourage me, it failed. One of my most inspired songs included the lyrics about how regardless of how everyone tries to disuade me,or you even think things will persuade me that love will only end in tragedy, the real tragedy would be giving up. I have messed up a lot, but I have not messed up in one thing that I did actually think of, although, it seems several times I would have just accepted my immediate failure and decided to move on... oh! the song "White Flag" just came to mind. I also think of how many things I did seemed so messed up or wrong, but they are me and will make sense in the actual narrative of my life.
I used to consider love a huge stumbling block or DISTRACTION. But, it is clear that it can only be used as a significant stumbling block because there is actually a truth to it. A comparable thing is the love of money gets misinterpreted to be just money as being the root of all evil. Hollywood's representation of love as sex and attraction only has a tiny bit of truth to it. That idea of love will absolutely not accomplish ultimate purpose of life on earth, but it can be a solid foundation for the sort of love that we were all born with hopes of achieving. I merely understood enough to know that "love" would not be what I needed. when, actually, it is what I need, I just need to redefine love.
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