love

I am coming to terms with what love is all about, unfortunately - it sort of reminds me of that video about the guy who realized that he was living below his potential - I am learning it too late to live the sort of family/love life I believed so fully in. I understand to a greater degree the advice I gave myself year ago, all the while actually believing I was not hypocritical. these lyrics say it best: We take the ones we love, and then love the ones we took.

I sort of am a polygamist, because I did get married/sealed in the temple to the one I chose to love forever. After which, I told my husband that he was stuck with me forever, and he said that was exactly what he wanted, admittedly, I was not fully aware mentally when he divorced me, and so I decided to just rebuild and better this time. that's a cute little lie. And mu ex-husband has remarried a couple of times, finally leaving the church. So, I am justified, in a twisted way, for being remarried with children. but, this most terrible thing occurred to me. I had no real love for either husband, it would take acting skills to portray concern enough to appear as love for them. I only love my children, and that is how I know that I do not love their fathers.

But, back to the real key: the last part of love the ones we took.. No one made me marry anyone. Although my reasons and intentions have changed/evolved I may have had a real valid reason the point is not that I am married, it is that I have not chosen to love my choice, and that is my real issue.

I just heard this: love doesn't just happen to us. It is a choice we have to make and remake over and over.

I am torn between two choices. I either want to focus on making the world better one child at a time or become a science fiction writer. I was actually contemplating that as I thought about how awesome it is to create universes/situations and very intelligent people when I snapped that train of thought back to my day to day life and saw how much I was doing as I molded these children daily. "I believe the children are our future. Treat them well, and let them lead the way..." I was wielding just as much "power" as what the earl of Oxford saw when he observed the effects of a Shakespearean play in the movie Annynomous. The difference between the two choices is that the one of rearing children requires I teach by example, so I need to actually love. 

In the world we realize that we did not evolve as a family, so we look for another we naturally love. And, it was mistaking love that deceived. Here I thought, Love was deceiving, hence a tool of the adversary so, I would just avoid it by avoiding it no matter where I saw it. Then, I was confused by the notion that love is not love that gives not love when it alteration finds.... no, it is an ever fixed mark. I assumed that if it did not last then it was not love. But, (another big D) that is the deception, Love isn't just a thing that happens. It is a choice. It doesn't bend with the remover to remove because it is not allowed to bend.

God loves us. but, I am not who I was last year, but he constantly loves me, as I do my own children. Now, imagine we or our children do a terrible thing, we still love our children, that is a choice. And the example God sets for us is make a promise and keep it. God still loves us regardless what we do. There are ultimate laws that are used to define a thing as likeable or not by God, still he has promised to love us regardless.... I never made my point, it was that, I thought for a long time that I loved someone because regardless of situation I loved them. maybe I do love them, but it because I chose to do so. There have been times and situations that I do not like, but after a few momen5ts of reflection. I decide that I love them regardless of that. The cause was not a "game changer". Like my son who says, "I hate you so much" as he hits his sister. I know it will pass. 

Once, as a child, I remember being so extremely distraught because I told my brother that I hated him. I thought that meant that we would never speak to each other again and that it was and eternal declaration by which I needed to abide if spoken. That was real remorse. I loved my brother and was so very sorry for saying that, I was really really really upset. But, it is interesting to me that I believed words spoken were all covenants. I still get upset if people say one thing but, do another. but isn't that what happened not just once, but twice, with me? I promised to love someone, but I don't even care about them. Sad sad sad… I have a lot of changing to do. hopefully it is not for the worse, but growth ought to be together, which is why it is so important to be equally yoked. even still, My purpose is not to find someone who can keep up, but reign myself in. for breakfast we learned that with this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FLTAKSGd5Q

The kids told me that to get through life, we need to take more time to be sure of our direction. Joseph said, rather than looking for the way out. He hand a smarter way. Just find your way to the next viewpoint, and that way you can know that you do not waste any of your time.