Too much

When I was a young girl I was at a friend's house and we were looking for something to eat, since we played all day in the pool we were famished.

What I saw was amazing!!! There was every imagineable snack and goodie (store bought) available, but she was making a pb & j sandwich. I was shocked. I thought I needed these items and here she was with them available and she was not choosing them. So, I acted nonchalant and made a sandwich to go with an apple like I always had.

This episode made a huge impression on me and surfaced in my thoughts as I was thinking about what things are for and what it would actually be like to have anything I wanted. I wondered what I would need then.

I think of how everything I desire to be happy was taught.  I can find perfection in following what I was taught, but is that who I really am or who I was conditioned to be?

I think I am so lucky and smart, but maybe I am great a following what I am used to, and could achieve something better if my goal was higher. I used a metaphor with a boyfriend in college. I explained to him why I was so freakishly different. It boiled down to my standards. Suppose you were playing put put golf and the goal is to get a hole in one. Most people share a standard that is simple, and pretty certain at sucess. But, my aim is much, much more difficult but if I achieve it I will truly feel a sense of accomplishment.

Oh, I need to insert here a tid bit I heard in a talk yesterday, a woman was taking about how she felt so guilty because her friends must think she was such a BAD Mormon cause they believed  that Mormons did not eat any sugar (which is entirely untrue, btw).

So, if in this little metaphor thingy happiness comes from a hole in one, maybe I do not need to try for the nearly impossible one and my happiness might be scoring from a different goal. Oooh, I am getting waay off track...

I was thinking particularly about beauty. It is likely because of all of the bimbos that I truly have a chance at being considered beautiful. I used to worry so much that I was,not beautful enough to attract someone who would love me soo completely.  I thought it was rediculous to fall in love with beautiful people anyway, cause I only even knew about them because everyone already loved them.

But, I figured they really popular people are actually the only ones who might desire me, because I am thinking about that friend who had access to all of that junk food but instead chose what was important. What would someone who could afford to appear any way they wanted or make Anyone love them want? It wouldn't even be about being pretty enough...