I did it!

I figured it out. It was such a small detail that it seemed  insignificant, it was an anxiety that I didn't even kniw about... it was stress caused by failure to loose weight that was causing glucose spikes, ya da ya da, ultimately a total failure. It is like that scene from. Harry Potter with the trap made by a plant that tightens if you try to get away, so you need to give up to get away. I had to decide that I didn't care if I lost weight and I started losing weight! I stopped exercising and excessive fasting and blood testing. Now, this is absolutely not the answer for everyone. But, my parents taught me the best lessons first, ask yourself why you want what you want. And that every person does not equal every other person. I also felt like I needed to make the loss of lives even of my ancestors worth it, so I repeated in my head,"Do I chose freedom or being pretty." It can be reduce to a simple choice of Heavenly Father's plan or not. And I rewatched conference and remembered that Mortality Really works, and Mary, my daughter always tells me, "just trust the process." And I realized it comes down to trusting prayers and promises as I read and re ite from the scriptures or those stupid influencers most of which I have proven to be wrong. Still want to believe that there might be an odd exception somewhere? No, I chose to belief that if I pray for a thing I will get the best possible outcome (like Moana praying to find Maui and getting shipwrecked.)

reimaging

It is the same thing as happened in cross-country in Indiana. starting out I was faster than average, then as the year and training progressed I didn't and it didn't upset me. I was no longer the fastest, as it was assumed, and my coach used to get upset that I wasn't even trying or anything, but I was,  finally I just explained that I was trying hard all year whereas others tweaked their performance to peal about now in the season, whereas I never peaked, I just was always at 100 percent. It is like the volume dial on your TV. Others were pretty quiet and made me seem loud, but as they turned up their goals, I started to blend in. Using that metaphor with my body/weight I have always been ideal, that is what my grandmother, my dad and my son were trying to express. I cannot loose weight and others do, but so what, I just am. I got to thinking about my Pat. Blessing at it promises health to accomplish everything. That is a pretty miraculous gift.  Looking back, I did not overcome the odds to walk again because of my incredible efforts. I often said it if was my time, then I would die, but fretting about it certainly wouldn't change it. Likewise, I grew, into a pretty tall woman, not because I chose it and did what was required. The same will be true with my physique.  I am merely changing and need to stop trying to mold myself into the way I want to look. I honestly think that I will be happier if I just...que sera sera.

Accordingly, I am going to, noy play favorites even, but just start over with a new body and only wear clothes that I like, so that It will not take effort to find something to wear and I absolutely will not spend money on ways to try to change me appearance in any way, too expensive. I want to be presentable and not apprehensive, but my days of trying to be this elusive thing called beautiful are over.

this morning's diet realization

I had decided it was all good theory, but not practice as I ended a prolonged fast very disappointed getting none of the expected results, I felt like I had been scammed. This time it hurt because I believed it fully, whereas many times I merely had a hope crushed.

I still couldn't share the feeling like I could do something and giving up was not it. This morning I realized something. It was my high, exercise induced glucose. That was what needed to change. My exercise was a trigger, and stressed me and kept me from loosing weight. I did not exhaust my sugar stores or convert to fat burning, because this was neither the time or place. My over exercise communicated that I was constantly in pursuit and my very life must be at stake cause I did not even have time to sleep or recover.

   I am going to try again, only, this time, I am not going to increase my work, but do less, sleep more and fast comfortably. I still believe it will work, and that the failure lies on my end.

Just had this thought to add as the kids left for school. I have been staying up past 11 cause of my husband, and getting up at 4 am for my son for over 15 years, no wonder my body has issues trusting me. I want to do a 5-day reset and then just establish a plan of going to bed and sleeping continuously for at least 6 hours, and then not eating between the hours of 7pm and 3pm. That should be easy easy. And eliminate anything, but daily peaceful walking.